Friday, February 03, 2006

Sell Out Soul

peace unto y'all

I feel like such a sell-out right about now.

I got dat full-time-wit-benefits job that my aunt was bugging me about. And though I'll definitely like the position, I feel like such a sell-out.

I don't think I want to keep teaching, much as I'll miss the kids. the frustrations are just too great. Add to that that I'm not willing to put myself into debt to get the last flippin' credits necessary to earn a license and I will not be staying in the school system to foment my own social changes within the lil ones.

it makes me want to eat. Eat. Eat. EAT. I just had a bowl of cereal earlier, and i just ate some rice w/shrimp gumbo, and though I'm full it makes me want to eat some more. Or smoke a cigarette (months, now, since that feeling has hit). or call a certain good friend who told me he felt like a sell-out some time ago.

I do remember soothing him at that point but right now I can't for the life of me remember what I told him, which would be so nice b/c I need it now. Can't call him. Have this small problem with being way too fascinated with him for my own good just now, so I have 'haraamed' contact with him. Nope, not joking. Shabana gets points for that word, by the way.

Add to that the frustration of people's reactions around me. Good thing I called my mother (3 states over) and told her about the offer first, good thing she was gently congratulatory as is her cheerful way, b/c my aunt didn't even crack a smile. She was like, 'Thank God, cuz your butt was on your way outtahere.' Gee, such a cheerleader, woman, and I did this isht for YOU. I sold Out For You and you can't even say CONGRATS. Yeah, so that hurts.

And here it is: I'll be working 40 hours a week. The work is worthy and honest (doing phone calls for disabled people returning to work). but this is not changing the world. And it's not me going to the grad school of my dreams. And yeah it's great in the short term but I sense that I could get stuck so easily in the stability of it all. At the same time though, I have been so dependent for so long that I think I'll only have a clear head when I have some space of my own again. I'm officially saving my money and planning on moving back to portareeco. I dunno.

I just feel like a sell out. That's all.

Excuse me while I go find some red meat and high glycemic carbohydrates.

Feel free to leave comforting words of wisdom and surahs cuz a sister is in need.

1 comment:

  1. Salaam 'Alaikum

    Maybe not changing the world, but making it a better place for the clients you'll be serving. It's a little change -- helping people integrate into the workplace, into the "mainstream." If what you do helps make a few people's day easier, isn't that part of changing the world for the better?