Sunday, February 25, 2007



I'm moving. Y'all say MashaAllah. And send chocolate to eat when the packing and moving logistics etc. are done. I cannot stand moving.


Thursday, February 22, 2007

Testimony again


A testimony:

The housing choice was as follows: room with 2 women in Rosslyn, or room with one man in the area where I live now- but even closer to my job; right across the street, in fact. Which was really no choice at all,- I like Rosslyn and it's on the train line, if a bit more expensive- until I got the call that the girls in Rosslyn would need a co-signer, or IF their roomie agreed, she'd stay on the lease and I'd take over her payments. Which meant, that my spot in the room wasn't certain at all. And that if I wanted to know know where I'd be living come next Wednesday, I needed to go with the choice that wasn't a choice, living with non-mahram (very nice christian but NOT MAHRAM, hello) man right across the street from work where I'd never escape.

And I flipped right on out, y'all. Called my mama and flipped out. She was like, "can you meditate? Or pray or something?" My everlasting shame is in my reply which I will NOT relate here. Some of y'all know me in real life.

But anyway, beforehand she'd told me, not understanding the reason for my reluctance, that she'd prefer that I live across the street from my job. When I flipped out I let her know that it's haram to live with a non-mahram man, which she did get when she understood how upset that prospect was making me. "Not proper," she said, "I understand." Because a girl always wants to please her mama deep down somewhere. It killed me when she talked me out of rejecting that option out of hand- I mean, it'd cut out transportation costs, and I'd never have issues getting to work. I just happen to not love my job and also want to really start living all parts of my life the way I'm learning I've been Told To Do.

I have got to remember Who is God and that my best interest is Always to trust GOD always always always. Last night I made istikhara on the housing. I just had to give the choice to Someone else. Today the girls offered me the place again without all the red tape. InshaAllah I'm moving to Rosslyn. God knows best and I know best and now I can do best, too.

Y'all, the relief of that. The inner tension of even considering something that I've NEVER done and that I knew to be haram and feeling forced into the choice by listening to those I trusted. The craziness that comes with not knowing. And the relief of not having to act like I can predict the future. I was so. scared. Looking for other options everywhere, none with the ability to move by next Wednesday. Searching through Muslim friends and ending up with nothing. Trying to "figure it out" myself. Astaghfirullah.

Isha came tonight and saw the tears running down my face. Wow. SubhanAllah. My favorite verse came to mind- Lord willing I'm going to memorize it. Because right now- and always- it speaks to me.

"Allah! There is no god but He- the Living, the Self-subsisting,
Eternal. No slumber can seize Him nor sleep. His are all things in
the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence
except as He permits? He knows what (appears to His creatures as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass anything of His knowledge except as He wills. His Throne extends over the heavens and the earth, and He feels no fatigue in guarding and preserving them for He is the Most High, the Supreme in glory."
Surah al Baqarah 2:255 (trans. by Abdullah Yusuf Ali)

Somebody better say MashaAllah. And even if you don't I'm saying alhamdulIllah for you and all of us. God is worthy, and I will ever turn back and rely on Him. And I don't need to know, as long as Somebody I can trust knows. And that Somebody always knows. Glory. That's my testimony.




Funny. The man is in my office and I'm glad I'm a nice chocolate-y color, because I'M BLUSHING. Word. My sister could probably tell but the general public can't. Cheeks all heated. My goodness.

He sure asks a lot of questions.

And he actually speaks Punjabi better than Urdu or Spanish, for those who are interested. MashaAllah.

tee hee hee!


Wednesday, February 21, 2007

And then stress hits.


Ahhhh, thanks to my ladies who got what I was about in that last post. Nothing like a good crush to make you feel giddy.

Seriously, though? I've caught a couple of the dua's headed my way, and thanks to everyone, because it ain't over. The stress of the past week and what's coming up in the next two weeks are requiring serious amounts of prayer already. Please remember me in your duas.

When I took the job I have, I was hired even though I made it plain that I don't own a car. Owning a car was quite clear in the job description. Now, this later caused a brief hubbub later, when I asked my exec director to join Zipcar. She was quite firm in stating that my having a car was part of the job description. She and my then-boss went over it, since they'd hired me knowing I didn't have a car, and Zipcar wouldn't cost anything, and I drew up a proposal to that effect, I ended up with Zipcar and use it to fulfill my business duties.

But seriously? My travel to this point is now such that I'm paying $250 per month just for the privilege of using a car. As my mother exclaimed, "That's a (car) note!" And it is, nearly, but I don't have a down payment for a car, nor the $200 per month that I'd be charged for insurance here (yeah, so much for the gecko). My aunt won't sell me her car, so I'm eating that cost. At this rate I'm barely breaking even since my job pays well... and it costs well over average to live in the DC metro area. Holla if ya hear me.

I'm applying to various and sundry second jobs, and not hearing from any, but I've got to find a way to resolve the car/cash issue quickly.

Also, inshaAllah I'll move on the 28th of Feb. I still don't know where I'm moving, but hey, MashaAllah, I have a couple of options! One is convienient but... would put me in an barely tenable situation islamically; the other would make for a LOT more commuting time and travel and thus cash when I don't have any to spare (or, barely tenable economically), plus the girls there are being mad shady about my papers and credit report, making me think they've got someone else on the line (hey, I have someone else on the line, so I can't blame them, but they need to give me a decision...). There's got to be a way out of this. Please keep on praying, y'all.

So. The crush? Still doing the facebook pattycake. Whatever. It was fun to think about. Still is. I wish I didn't welcome that distraction so much.

Today I miss Puerto Rico fiercely, when the weather here turns 50 degrees, and I forget that this is freezing cold. I miss humid winds plastering my skirt to my calves, the everyday amazement of the sunsets there. I miss being able to hear Frankie Ruiz like it's nothing, meeting friends who show warmth and not just recognition when I see them on the street. Much as I struggled there, it is a place of beauty alhamdulillah. Days like these tell me I'm going back, one day, maybe to pull my husband and family with, maybe not, but I can't stay away.

peace and love

Friday, February 16, 2007

Okay, so, like...


Contrary to what you might think, this is not a negative post.

No, my friends, this is a very positive post.

A pink, girly, giggly post.

See... I was at an MSA Eid ulAdha event (don't start, it was excellent and the only chance I have to socialize with young Muslims), doing me, and I met these new people.
(Okay so picture the obligatorily tall broad brown dark guy, one of a group of similarly young brown guys, spouting 'alhamdulIllahs' after prayer here, and my head sticking out of the crowd of sparkly, squealing girls throwing out 'mashaAllahs'.)

There was one who caught my eye when he was reciting Qur'an before the event, mashaAllah. And there was one who was truly the most beautiful reciter I have ever heard in person mashaAllah.

Mind you everyone there but the girl who invited me is younger than I am. And I'm NOT there for men, but for being around other young muslims. So I said my obligatory astaghfirullah, right?

We all ended up at dinner after cleaning up the event mess. The beautiful reciter was there with a couple of his friends. I listened to his conversation and he was very interesting. Now I wish I had blogged it because that night was inspiring and made me realize that MSA was really good while I was in school. I miss having plain conversation with people, without it being all sexualized, just exchanging ideas, without being at work. As I remarked to my girlfriend, "Man, that was awesome. Was I that bright at 19?"

Anyway, one of the friends of the beautiful reciters had caught my eye, but again, I was feeling old and said my astaghfirUllah. Lowering the gaze and nur on faces being what they are, I was straight. I felt good about the night. I ate (twice, but 5 hrs apart so I don't feel bad), talked, and was merry with mah peoples. I felt like I'd regained a bit of the feeling, temporarily, of what I lost when I left Christianity and unknowingly my UMYF youth group culture.

And then at the end of the night, we're all leaving, and I said something about how flippin cold ("Que FRIO, CARAaaaaa!) it was in Spanish. This curly haired deep voiced guy from the group turned around.

He answered me back in perfect - and I mean spot-on-no-accent-straight-off-the-boat Spanish.
I looked at him like "whaaa--?" It must be the same look I get when people hear muhejebah morena ME going off in Spanish. We get to talking.

Turns out he speaks like 4 languages, including Urdu and Spanish. Turns out he's half Puerto Rican. Turns out he's studying at AlmaMater. All very interesting.

Now, meandirectorlady had just told me that she was looking for Spanish speakers to train (long story short, we train interpreters) from the area of MD where this particular gentleman was from. We talked so long outside the restaurant that our respective groups of friends start wandering off. I guess a conversation in a language you don't know between the tallest people in the crowd can be boring from the outside.

So I go, "hey, you want to work for me?!" that being my line of the night. I'd passed out all of my business cards to different sisters and brothers who speak languages we really need. "Yeah, un momentico...," he said, "I'm excited, you're excited, let me call you and make sure that this is something I can do."

Aiight, I thought, whatever.
He ends up calling after calling my cell and getting my voicemail, asking a bro who had got my card for the number there, calling my job, and sending me an email there.
Brotha needed a job, I'm thinking.

Then began (ahem innocent) the facebook flirtation. Which, by the way, is still up between our walls for those of you who are on my facebook and care to look. Plus he stuttered (and said, can y'all believe this, 'Wow, I'm tonguetied right now, I don't know why') and stammered his way through conducting the official bizness necessary to get him into our training when I talked to him. And I'm all, I need to chill. Astaghfirullah. All that. Y'know?

And now I'm all crushalicious. But in my professional capacity, I still have to work with him, and don't need to be flirting with him. And in my dang-I'm-25 role, I don't need to be flirting with him . And in my muslima fashion, I'm tryna front like I don't like him. And in my single role, I want to know how he treats his mom and can't believe how many people incidenally are like 'that bro is on his stuff' plus? He's a sweetie.

Please excuse my airheadedness for a second:

Okay, so, like, ohmygoodness. I, like, know this isn't gonna turn into anything, right? I mean, what is anything, anyway? But, like, what if it does? And like, am I just imagining it? Or does he like me? Ooh mylanta and he's such a chulo! And omygosh, I have got to chill out! And he's like this super-on-the-deen guy, y'know? Yeah, mashaAllah! But he's like sooooo cute! And plus I get to see him at work, but like, my boss will be there? So even if I could say something I wouldn't? But I totally want to, because, ohmygosh, he's like, funny and muslim, and he speaks Spanish and he's sooo cute! Like ohmylanta!

Had to get that out before I exploded. But that's been the bright part of a coupla horrid weeks, thank you for not puking from the valley-ness of this post.


Friday, February 09, 2007

Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.


Okay, so I have issues.

I didn't realize this until I had a panic attack after speaking to my father when he called my job, because he asked me, "How many jobs do you have?"

Because he called me at work.
Because he's in town.
Because he wants to see me.
Because I (only) have one job.
Because I'm nearly out of money.
Because he wants to come to my house.
Because I don't know how I'm going to move from one house to another without any money.
Because I need to be able to leave this job after experiencing the harrassment of the other day.
Because. Just because.

Panic attack. I'm talking racing heart, funny stomach pit, shaking fingers panic attack.

So I've decided to turn this around:

I'm grateful to the One true God, the Most High, the Provider.

I'm grateful that I have a job.
I'm grateful that I have telephone access at my job.
I'm grateful that my father is alive to call me.
I'm grateful that my father wants to see me and loves me.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to see my father when he lives 600 miles away.
I'm grateful that I can work more than one job.
I'm grateful that I'm open to take any evening or work job I can.
I'm grateful that I have access to a computer to "talk" myself out of panicking when nothing else is available.
I'm grateful that I'll have choices when it comes to housing. InshaAllah.

I'm grateful there's always tomorrow to look forward to; even when things are getting worse they'll eventually be better. SubhanAllah.


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Put a Prayer on'er!


DUDE. That same director who embarrassed me wrongly is now coming at me again. She's "upset" about a process again. I'm not. interested. in dealing with her at all today.

Please put a dua'a on me. I'm serious. Pray for sabr, forbearance, diligence, and peace. I'm doing the same.


Monday, February 05, 2007



plus, think of the homeless in these days, offer warm food, a blanket or even the number of a shelter if you can. The HIGH temp here is 23 deg. Fahrenheit, and the wind is so fierce that it feels like 7.

I so want to slap myself for every one of the few times I complained about the wet warmth of puerto rico...


Sunday, February 04, 2007

We belong to Allah

... and to Allah we return.

Nzingha's mother has passed away. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. I like the translation of the English that says We belong to God, and to God we return. So true.

I'm having a hard time dealing with my passive aggressive roomie, R, without resulting to passive aggression myself. Please make dua'a for me. The main problem is facing what I see as willful inconsideration toward me. I'm praying on it, and I'll ask you to do the same. The latest incident involves her telling an untruth, and I believe it was pointed at controlling my actions in a certain way, thus, so far my reaction has been to not react. But that won't last long.

I've had no luck in the house search either, or in the job search, which means at this point that I won't have enough money (1 mo plus deposit) to move to a place equal to where I live. I'm not worried, though. Just asking for patience and guidance. I keep thinking of that poem (please remind me if you know who wrote it):

come to the edge he said
no we are afraid
come to the edge he said
no we are afraid
come to the edge he said
they came
he pushed them
they flew

The past week has been a series of steps, and i'm afraid... have to remember that reaching the edge only means I'll fly. We belong to Allah always.


Saturday, February 03, 2007

UmmahFilms needs your love!

peace, y'all,

Oh, the busy day inshaAllah I have in front of me today. And yet here I am blogging.
Why? Well at 8AM on a Saturday, it's a good reason!

Ummah Films (home of Mahdi Ahmad, Baba 'Ali, and the Ankabut Baby) is working on its first short film. They've made the process pretty transparent by blogging it for the world to see, first so other new filmmakers can follow their footsteps and learn from their experience, but also in order to do some da'wah, get some positive messages out about Islam, and also, as their motto says, to remind us "Just in Case You Forgot." (ya'll say MashaAllah!)

In order to do this, they need funds, and they're raising them by selling their T-shirts, glow-in-the-dark MUSLIM wristbands, and the popular Mecca to Medina board game online. I cannot be happier with the service I've received from this company; the T-shirt I got was awesome. And hey- a halal way to raise money! And we get to see the results! Yay!

Last month they put out more t-shirts with the 'reminder' logo... and had the nerve to not put out long-sleeved XL shirts! Ack! But I (and some other sisters) let them know in a comment (without my usual acerbic working, fijate) that I really am muhejebah and appreciate the larger size for covering and... mashaAllah they now have both the black shirt with white lettering and the white shirt with black lettering in larger sizes with long sleeves!

Point: Please check out the link above, even if you don't buy anything at the moment, if you think the cause worthy, pass it along. As a young'n, I know the ever greater role media and video portrayal of muslims and Islam have in shaping how we're perceived and the thousands and millions who are making the choice to become muslim. I think this deserves our support!


Also, Ms. Koonj: inshaAllah your trip went well last night and you're gonna give some long lasting knowledge at this talk. Go you! I'm praying for you...