Tuesday, August 29, 2006


half a bowl leaves me
much happier
and the whole bowl

distraction doesn't come
not in thoughts of war in far lands
nor brethren without bowls
or food
or roofs

consolation didn't arrive
in the unknowable future
or hard won experiences.

finishing dregs
my sincere wish
is to somehow be filled.

Monday, August 28, 2006

I'm happy.

I've moved out of my aunt's house and into a house with two young ladies around my age. I like them both; one has an exuberant, extroverted personality; the other is more quiet and observing and calmly pointed in her remarks. If there were a scale for personalities, mine would fit right in between the two. Two cats, Rainbow and Principessa, came with the house. 'Pessa is the darling siamese, and Rainbow the antisocial guy.

Insha'Allah I'll be signing for a loan to buy my aunt's old car pretty soon. I'm ok with this arrangement since I needed the car, and since my bank's minimum auto loan requirement is nearly double the value of the car, I'll be able to offset the interest (ha! Riba defeat!) with the difference, since my aunt agreed to give it back to me.

I'm still in love with my job. I arrived late; but the structure of the place is such that as long as I get the work done, no one really cares when I do it. So I'll stay until around 7 and knock out all that's on my desk. I feel so competent and needed here. I'll lock up when I leave, and walk (walk!) the 10 minutes to get to my house in a lovely, old, green, quiet little community.

My insecurities are wrecking me right now, however. I'm letting myself get in the way of my goals. I'm conflicted. And that's showing up in wavering of my practice of Islam. I don't want to go into detail right here and now, because I know I should be 'covering' my faults and not exposing myself. Plus, a lot of people who know me in 'real life' read this blog. I need to be circumspect.

SO here's the main question: how to deal with myself when I know what I want and could try to get it, but I'm scared of failing?
Or worse, being so scared of negative responses that I lock up and don't reach out to people who could help me?

Seems like that's always my question, isn't it?

But other than that (dreadfully intensely centrally important) question,
I'm happy. Thanks, God.


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

menkabrohna ke...


So. Frazzled.

Just spent wayyy too much time soothing my girlfriend Imiaz out of first being hysterical, then depression. I'm tired.

The whole situation stinks. It came about because she's nuts about one of her guy friends. It scared me because I have friends like that. But I don't think I can do it any longer. I love Imiaz but I'm not setting myself up to take the same path she did. I only really have two other things to say:

1) Men and Women shouldn't be close friends. (Note the emphasis on the word close.) I say this as one who has platonic yet close friendships with people who happen to be male, a habit I'm seeing is gonna stop. Right this second.

Close male and female friendships mess up later potential love relationships for both men and women. Speaking from experience, I want to be best friends with my husband. So I'm operating counter to that purpose if I make a lot of best friends while looking for a husband somewhere else. Knaw'mean?

I'm starting to agree with the old folks' wisdom my mama told me: if you already are getting what you want, why do you want more? If we have companionship (without sexual relationships) from the opposite sex, then why should we want to get married? Having close male friends, for a woman, gives an outlet that IMO shouldn't be there. Also, from the other side, if a man is close friends with women and knows all about them, what's there to say that he's gonna want to go after a 'special' woman and focus his attention on her? There's no essential mystery there, no difference in his mind based purely on the 'otherness' of the feminine, nothing to tempt or tantalize and keep'em wanting the special relationship of marriage with a woman that he never truly knows inside and out (because if she's smart she has him mystified 50 years later).
That's my $.02 on that.

2) Don't play with the word love. Just don't do it. SubhanAllah this practice is making me furious. This i-can't-stress-how-potent emotion-verb is WAY too overused. So here's a way to end confusion and grief from both sides of the sex divide- do not use the word love to ANYone, male or female, related or not, joking or not unless you mean it. It is not a means to an end, a tool for manipulation, is not casual in any way shape or form. Do not say you love someone unless you have thought several times and then several times more about it, unless you brought that person into the world, unless selflessness toward that person is your only reason and expression in saying it. Just don't. Period.

That'll be all.


Monday, August 07, 2006

Still truckin'


Masha'Allah. I love my job. This is a first.

I came in right in time for my boss, he was swamped with work that I'm now doing. I love it, but I'm busy, so that's where I've been. Aside from the death of my aunt a couple weeks ago, both of my maternal grandparents have been in and out of the hospital, but subhan'Allah are now recuperating well, out of the hospital, and doing for themselves- my mother's returned home as well, so that means that her mother is doing well enough for her not to be there. Praise God.

I wanted to point everyone to Ummah Films' website. Their finale came out last week. If you've enjoyed the vlogs from Br. 'Ali I posted from YouTube, then PLEASE go support them.

Positive experience: I think that all non-dry, human dawah needs more halal funding (kna'w'msayin?) , so I bought a (long sleeved, of course) t-shirt from the website. I thought the shipping was exorbitant, but then, MASHA'ALLAH, I got that shirt a mere 2 days after ordering. AND it fits, which those of you who actually read my blog from the beginning know is a rare, rare thing.

AND, plus, you know those rubber colored gummy bracelets that folk be wearing nowadays? (The popular yellow LiveSTRONG ones by Lance Armstrong are a good example.) Well, I up-ended my envelope and 3 of them fell out! A pink, a purple, and a white/black camouflage. They all say, in block letters, MUSLIM, and they GLOW IN THE DARK. SWEEEEET!

So this is by way of being my jazakhAllah Khair to the Ummah Films peeps, and my saying get over there and support them cuz they're cool!

And now off to do more of the work I absolutely love.