Wednesday, February 17, 2010


assalamu alaikum,

So, without giving away too many details (even though I suspect a great many people who know me in real life read this blog without telling me so...), we went on a field trip to Disney this long weekend.

It was great! The trip began cold and wet- I mean, walking around in 50 degree downpours, cold and wet. But that first day was decent. Or, it would've been, if Delta hadn't lost my bags. At least I didn't have to make up a song ala 'United Breaks Guitars'. But when I got the bag back, it was missing some things.


We visited 3 parks: Animal Kingdom (created since I'd last been to the parks... whoo boy, that was 13 years ago!), Epcot, and the Magic Kingdom.
It was interesting to see how many Muslims were at the park (answer: not many). I got so excited and would go, 'Muslim sighting!' every time I saw a group with women in hijab. That was fun, the kids got into that too.
And things were pretty crowded even though it was chilly and, well, February. I figured that the Southern Hemisphere folk were out in force; I heard a lot of Portuguese and Spanish going on around me. That was fun, too.

I miss Florida, miss puerto Rico, love those tropical, moist, warm climates. If 50 degrees is cold, I'll take it! Palm trees and sunshine make me happy. This trip was rejuvenating.

One of the kids gave me a heart attack, though, and it really took the enjoyment out of one of the days. She just walked off without saying where she was going to anyone in the group.

Worst 10 minutes of my life, to date. Indirectly I think I have Imette to thank for that. I now absolutely know what could happen when one person is off by themselves, confidently exploring in a public place. I guess I'm still processing her death, 3 years later.

But anyway.

Point for me is that I need to revisit the parks when I can go and shop and sightsee and ride things as an adult, without having to chaperone the young ones. This trip was all about them; I was so happy to see them enjoying themselves. They got to do their thing (and did it well, I might add), shop, ride (really tame and lame) rollercoasters and see attractions.

May was the point person for this trip. I'm really actively trying to learn more from and about May. She's really an amazing person. My upbringing taught me adult-centrism; it was harsh and showed me exactly how to behave around authority, even though it kept me safe. May's kids are sometimes disobedient, but they are loving and she really does focus on them. It's an interesting way to be, and I feel I need a lot more tenderness to go with my obedience.

So yeah, Disney. It was fun.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Don't listen, plus, filling the bucket

assalamu alaikum,

I understand why people don't listen to music, I really do.

I don't want to get into it though. Just sayin' that Chrisette Michelle (perfectly okay lyrics... well. Um.) got me understanding that a bit better. A sound I grew up on, with the synthesized soul. Had my life not gone differently it's how I'd be singing.

I'm doing a 'Filling the Bucket' List. Someone over on FB gave me the idea. What do I want to do before I turn 30?

What would you recommend I do before I turned thurdy? That didn't require a whole lot of specific cooperation from others. (Therefore, marriage and kids and their ilk are out. Keep up the adiyat.)

BAM got married today... and NYC supposedly saw a historic snowstorm. I hereby dedicate all my replays of 'If I Have My Way' to Steven and Megan. I won't make further remark after I say, CONGRATULATIONS!


Sunday, February 07, 2010

When it isn't for you, and when it isn't for you: Building a bridge

assalamu alaikum,

So, my Brother from Another Mother (BAM) is getting married. He clearly is happy about it but also would be just as happy not to get married.

To be writing this mere months after our conversations online and here in person on marriage is... wow. Life: The Great Unexpected Adventure.

I, well, I acted all girly (sue me, it's not my norm) and squeed and such.

Now, let me tell you a secret: way back when adiyat were needed, I said several prayers for BAM. One was for him to find a job. Two was for him to find a job that had all he needed. Three was for him to find a way to keep his love in his life despite the ticking of biological clocks in folk's ears. We had a very deep conversation, and paramount (or at least, very clear to me) were the facts that 1) he loves her to the point of vulnerablility 2) he don't want no kids not no way not no how 3) the intersection of the two might be the point of breakup for them.

So I am happy that they are getting married. Even if it is for the reasons they are getting married. Go read him yourself to find out details.

I'm still praying for him, is all. For them, now. YAY, love! However you come to it and decide it's worth sticking with.

Another of my longtime friends, Bella, not too long ago had her first son. As I consider myself another honorary 'Titi' to this kid since I remember the night of his parents' first date and REALLY liking his dad (as I recall, Bella is one of those I told 'you're going to marry him' years ago), of course I'm over the moon and thrilled for them. MashaAllah.

I've already remarked countless times that finding my husband and settling down to raise a whole bunch of kids is one of my biggest desires/dreams/wishes/things-I-want-but-can't-make-happen-alone. This year, though, call it 2010 or 1431, the only resolution I made was to let that go. I've been so stressed out by and about the great search that when I really had to focus on other things, and let it go, it felt good for the first time. It was okay.

Just okay. But I can live with that. I'm learning to do that.

I took the GRE's the other day and got a 1310, and it was a weight off of my shoulders and another step toward getting out of my less than financially rewarding job and on with a different dream, that of being a nurse-midwife (don't look now, you'll turn around and i'll be a nurse-anesthetist!). It's something I've wanted for a while.

Managing the application while dealing with my job has been tricky though. They pulled out their 'are you working for us next year' form earlier than ever. My first year, as I recall, I had to return that form in March. They sent it in January this time. I just went ahead and marked it yes and returned it.
My understanding is that I might not have my job regardless, but it's good to hedge my bets. Or something. My immediate boss is pretty intimidating, as was noted by my sixth graders the other day in class.
(That was actually HILARIOUS. "Miss Two, do you think Mrs. V is scary?" Me: Oh my goodness, child. What kind of question is that?... Him: "Do you think she's scary, though?" Me, fronting like a mamma-jamma: No, I think she's pretty responsible, she holds you accountable, but I don't think she's scary. Kids: "We do!" Himself: "I think she's really scary. When she looks at you like that. She's mean." ... ol' girl has some work to do on her public persona as a vice-principal when the brashest kids around call her not just mean, which is part of the job, but scary...heh. I should've said yes. But they're also blabbermouths.)

I think, though, that I haven't completed the application because I'm terrified of the what-ifs. What if Allah in his wisdom has decided this thing, that I've finally decided to go for, isn't for me?

And, what to do with a "career" when I decide that it's not for me? What do I do with my dream of companionship when, 10 years later, I realize it's not for me?

I've been dreaming about D and crew (Flint, Day, and Simona especially) lately, to the point that I picked up the phone and called. DC just got slammed by (yet another!) snowmaggeddon, about 20 inches this time. It might've' been the snow. I think it's something else, though. I've known D for 10 years; it took me quite a while to realize the strength of those feelings, and a little while longer to firmly tell myself that I wouldn't let them get out of hand.

I've known Flint for just as long D, though we're not nearly as close. And I had that same feeling when I saw Day; that they would be getting married. I 'called it' if you will. Their wedding's coming up, too. That makes me happy. The prospect of D getting married to Simona makes me happy as well... with a considerable mixture of other more sullen emotions that I don't really care to examine too deeply or publicly.

(I can hear D yelling at me now. "Who said anything about me getting married?" Buddy, if you don't accept by now that I can call them...) I did beg off when D asked me if I sensed the 'you're getting married' aura about Simona in part because I KNOW my radar is off when it comes to D. Let those chips fall where they may, I don't want anything to do with it.

Those feelings are what bother me now, really. I'm actually (really and truly ) okay with laying off the Great Search for this year, since I devoted all of 2009 to it, and it made me weary. I see myself distancing myself from my friends and it hurts. I get quiet so I won't have to think so hard about what I let come out of my mouth. So I can hear what they're saying and be about them for a while.

I don't like feeling jealous of my friends' good times, though; detest feeling that the way I'm thinking about it now makes it about me. I want to get to the place where it's all about happy. I've lost my way about that. I don't know how to recover it. I mean, normally the way to get over jealousy is to wish the person well and then go get your own whatever-it-is-that-finds-the-lost-remote happy.

I'm also scared: fearful of losing my grip on aqidah and haqq in my search for something that might never come my way. Scared I won't get in to school. Scared school won't help me go where I want to go. Scared to invite people over to see my house and the chaos that is my life. And bitter: bitter that I can't just use my own willpower to make what I want happen. Bitter that people I love don't realize how very, very blessed they are. And I don't know where to start to fix it.

Blogging is cheap therapy, if somewhat ineffective.

I'm still feeling my way around things like this, between the confident, responsible young girl I was and the reticent, emotional, disorganized adult. Something happened there after high school. I hope it'll be untangled by the time I'm old and realize it really didn't matter in the first place.

Still reaching for the One.