Got it started

assalamu alaikum,

I'm so antsy, because I did it; I got the ball rolling with this guy.

I don't even want to give him a blog name, yet. It might be one of those things that fades away until even if I gave him a pseudonym, I wouldn't remember his real name.

It's the possibilities that are making me antsy and itchy and wiggly. What if he says yes? (?!?!!)

So let me backtrack a sec... since my last post, I've had this in the back of my mind; I just didn't have a lot of time to focus on it. Between the mentoring group, plus my time-and-a-half studies, I had like five assignments, a test, and a research critique due last week. As it was, I didn't do as well as I wanted on the test (a B, but I want an A. Yes, I'm one of those people).
But this weekend, Br. Leader and May had a gathering at their house. And at first I asked Leader, okay, so if we don't date... how Do I get to know this man, to see if this is right?

I appreciated the answer, which was... just have people around. The big issues with dating in Islam are that the important questions aren't fully addressed before marriage, and/or the couple being alone together (since, if a man and a woman are alone together, shaitan is the third)- that includes phone calls and internet contact. So he basically said, like go to a restaurant and sit at a table, but have another couple (or parents, depending on how strict the family is) at a different table. I kinda grinned when he said something to the effect that no man is going to try something if her dad is sitting at the next table; totally true! Or, he said, if two people were sitting in his dining room, and others were in another room; since the floor plan is pretty open (no real doors), and people can come and peek in at all times, that's acceptable.

So it really is like courting, back in the day. I like that. I never was a dating person, even back before Islam in high school.

But then he asked, "Anybody I know?" and y'all, I'm so glad I'm a chocolate person because I know I must've blushed like bright red. So I said yes; and he offered to have a gathering at his house, to prevent awkwardness.

I spend so much time protecting myself against blows I think are coming and too often have come. The experience last weekend really got me to the point where I finally started to bring my barriers down. I can't tell you how big that is. I want to be the person who avoids that awkward situation without dreading it or acting to avoid it instead of acting to get what I want... in this. Most times I don't give a rip what anyone thinks.

And May commented on just that. The mentoring group we're all a part of is going to be doing year-long training. "You'll have enough on your plate without that big white elephant in the room." Ain't that the truth.

Leader said something else about how this guy might be ok with marrying older in general, but really might want to marry someone his age or younger. I agreed; and what ran through my head was something similar, but along racial lines. Just last week I had a friend email me some man's profile. When I asked her why she didn't want to keep him for herself, she said, "He's African-American." SO what? I wondered. Turns out she wants a desi guy- she's desi herself. I wonder if this guy is like that. I doubt it; but what do I know?

So, since I finally let someone know who can get the ball rolling, I do feel better about it. Still giddy, still looking forward to seeing him, but better. I'm getting to like this anticipation of GOOD things.

Make dua'a for me, please!

twenny

Wait. You're HOW old?

assalamu alaikum

I'm totally paying for the hijinks of my youth.

This weekend we went to a MORE Life weekend. Long story short, there was a man there I totally vibed with. He's from the Conservopolis community, and I've known him for a while but not had the chance to hang with him until now.

Well. I think he's just awesome. Judging from our conversations over the weekend (travel plus convention) he's digging me.

We had this conversation the other night that has me stuck though:

Me: Yeah, so Monday it's back to ExtraCatholic U for class.
Him: Oh, what, so University of Conservopolis isn't good enough for you?
Me: Eh, well, my moms has worked at Ex for a while; I thought she should at least have one kid graduate from there.
Him: Yeah, it's smart to take advantage of tuition remission.
Me: Or, it would be, but I'm too old. You have to be under 26.
Him: *doubletake* wait... you're over 26?
Me:... definitely over 26.
PAUSE
Me: How old did you think I was,[name]?
Him: Well, you hang with my cousin Mari, I was thinking you're like 22, 23 tops like she is.
Me: *laughing* Yeah, I keep slipping and thinking Mari is my age, but no. I'm 23 in my heart, though!
Him: *laughing* Well, I'm 20 in my heart and my body!


*conversation continues to other things*

And I am sooo stuck. Dag. A 10 year difference?! For real? I mean, if I were 40 (ya Allah, please forbid!) it wouldn't be as big a deal.
In his defence, had he not SAID he was that young, I never would've known. Honestly. JW acts five years younger than this guy, and he acts, well, grown. If asked I'd've said he was 25 at the youngest; he's still working toward his BA, otherwise I don't know if I'd've thought him even that young.

I like him a lot.

So the other thing is, now what? Besides my usual moping about. I'm just not going to do that. If I were the dating kind I'd ask him out. Yes, even now I know how young he is. In fact, I feel like I need to spend some time to figure out if his maturity is my crazy perception or if he's just unusually old in his manner.

Since I don't date... now what?

yeah.

peace
twennytwo (who is darn near thurdy)

I know dua'a is always answered.

Assalamu Alaikum,

Well, so ISNA was a blast. I loved being back in my old stomping grounds in DC. I didn't stay at the convention hotels (which was a mistake in that I wasn't immersed in the ISNA atmosphere, but which was also great because I wasn't immersed in the ISNA atmosphere and was in my DC 'home' instead), and I missed like half of the lectures and everything. The few lectures I did get into, though, hit me at the right moment with the right message. The psychologist who was a main speaker at the MSA session, 'Fighting Depression with the Light of God'. Imam Khalid Latif (I'm sure I've misspelled that, forgive me), who spoke on singlehood and the questions of a single believer and how we live that life with the words that were so right-on that I started to cry. Tears just ran down my face.

Alhamdulillah. It was the answer to a prayer.

I came very close to doing some things that I really WANTED to do, even though I knew they were things I oughtn't do. And so, because I knew that I was open and vulnerable, that I was tempted to that 'just do it' attitude, I prayed. Y'all, I prayed long and hard. I made sincere dua'a with faith that it would be answered. And above all was the fervent desire to be protected from doing what Allah does not will for me, and that my dua'a be heard and clearly answered.

Every time I go to ISNA or a similar event, I'm reminded of both my similarities and my differences. I cover, but my dress isn't modern fashionista or Arab or Desi in origin. I'm a young convert, but this is my tenth year as a Muslim (can I get an alhamdulillah?)/. I speak Spanish... but not quite so good at the Arabic, and my Urdu is practically nonexistent.

But I know. I believe. I Believe. I have been given the gift and the blessing of faith. I have been able to pray my way to obedience and to independence. Dua'a is truly my weapon, and it has ALWAYS been answered. It is the most precious blessing I have, to see the will of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala worked in my life through my family and friends and even just occurrences that might look, from the outside, like random. I know.


peace
TwennyTwo

Un poco perdida

Assalamu Alaikum,

I dunno, my soul feels hispanoparlante, so forgive me if you don't read Spanish.

Me encuentro un poco perdida. No, y más que un poco.

Pero, ¿porqué?

Primero, es que siento traicionada. No solamente por el hecho del casamiento del niño, sino porque, otra vez me encuentro aquí, al medio año, sin casarme y sin prospetos en el área de casamiento. Por más que trato de negarlo, de ignorarlo, eso duele, mano. Duele mucho.

Faltan 30 días para mi vigesimo-octavo cumpleaños.

Tambien me siento apresionada de una manera súbtil, lo que me trae hasta la locura. Cuando yo llegue a mi lugar de empleo, lo dije al jefe bien claro: no soy una mujer sumamente organizada. Limpia, sí; organizada, no. Pero por entonces se le ha occurido no menos que dos veces a la mes condenarme por no ser organizada.

Hasta que, ahora no es que no soy organizada sino que me encuentro evitando, escaseando organizar. Primero porque, no sé cómo hacerlo. Y segundo, una llega a resentir mucho los característicos mas comentados, siento que me han dado hasta que sangra sin decir nada y estoy llegando al grito.

Además, me encantan los lugares organizados. No hay nadie que dé cursos de organizacion en universidad, pero eso es exactamente lo que preciso.


En otros lados, estaba hablando con una amiga el otro dia, y mencionó que un matrimonio que ella conozca estan pasando por problemas. Hasta me hizo hacer duaá por ellos, porque yo si intimamente entiendo lo que estan pasando: la mujer pasará muchas problemas en parir, y por entonces el hombre quiere casarse con otra mujer (son musulmanes y no permanezcan aquí en los EEUU). A ella le dará mucho si él tuviera otra matrimonio a la véz, y tampoco quiere divorciarse; él no quiere pasarse de su derecho de tener hijos y no quiere perjudicarle el salud a su primera mujer.

Ayyyyy que caso. Fíjate.

Aprecio mucho que por lo menos mi amiga no mencionó los especificos de la situación, ya que entiendo lo doloroso pueda ser si salga quiénes son.

Lo veo de ambos lados. Me habían dicho alguna vez que no podrìa tener hijos. Imaginate, ser mujer negra, alta, Y¿ esteríl? ¡ NUNCA me casaría! Especialmente en ésta comunidad de musulmanes, tan enfocados en procreación. Estaba muy nerviosa hasta que resolvieron lo que me pasaba. Y, a mi me encantan los niños; siempre he dicho que me gustaría tener a lo menos cinco. (jajaja, y todas mis amigas hasta hoy me dicen... espere hasta que tienes el primero, aver...)
Por eso es que, aunque no soy muy celosa, he caminado en los pasos de la mujer en ese matrimonio, y hice duà que Alá subjanaju wa taàla le resolviera lo que paso entre ella y su esposo.

Tambien lo veo por el ról del esposo. Imagina que te enamoras con un hombre, y tenías posibilidad de casarse con otro a la vez, es decir, tener matrimonio polígamo. Como te casaste "por amor", y amas al primer hombre, no lo quieres dejar. Pero a la vez, quieres cinco hijos- o por lo menos, dos, si Dios quiere- y el amor de tu vida, tu primer hombre, esta planteado a frente del vìa. ¿Què harías? Aunque le dolía mucho a mi esposo, no puedo decir que decidiera a favor de no casarme con hombre que me diera hijo. Y como quiera nadie va salir ileso de la situacion. Tengo que orar por ambos.

¿Qué mas? Aún estoy de recuperación del choque del otro día. De verdad salió que el seguro de la mujer habìa vencido hace tiempo, lo que llevó la compañia a negarlo, y por entonces mis rates van a subir, thanks! Lo que me preocupa es que cuando me cotejaron el nivel de glucosa en mi sangre estaba sumamente alta, indicación nueva que el diabetes genetica de mi familia me caza de nuevo. Cosa es, que cada vez que paso por el examen de ayuno, mis nùmeros y niveles salen bajitos. No lo entiendo, pues hay mas duaá que hacer. Cosa buena que salio del dia pésimo que era mi mièrcoles: actuè como intèrprete por un hombre que estaba alla con su gerente (ambos trabajadores en una compañia de comida muy popular), y no solamente me dieron certificado para comida gratis, pero el doctor y la gerente de su oficina estaban tan impresionados, que me pidieron una tarjeta de informacion, ¡ para llamarme si es que me necesitan de nuevo! ¡Aljamdulilá!

Ahora, tengo que encontrar impresora.... pero finalmente, ¿no es un problema deseable?

peace

TwennyTwo

It's almost done...

Assalamu Alaikum,

Wow, that's now two months this year that I've skipped posting.... my bad.

May began with a bang, and you know what? IT NEVER LET UP!

First, alhamdulillah, I ran the Conservopolis Half Marathon and FINISHED. My completion time was extremely slow, but faster than the 4:30:00 I originally projected on my entry form! Takbir!
I... man I was sore for like a week afterward, but I'm still high on the accomplishment, a month later. I have never been so unsure of finishing anything. Alhamdulillah, I did. Even after having 2 separate asthma attacks (doggone honeysuckle). Even after having to walk more and run less than I wanted.
My sister was a HUGE help. I was grumpy at the beginning of the race- A2, my assistant, ran with me for the first 2 miles, then peeled off ahead. But I knew I wasn't going to be able to go much faster than I did. (A2 actually finshed an hour before I did. Go A2!)

But man, when my sister popped out at that first mile, I had to laugh. She literally POPPED up; boing-ing up and down from the curb, screaming: "Yaayyyhooooo! THAT'S MY SISTER! HI SISTER!" and hugging me with a squeal. She then proceeded to pop up several times during the race, and she walked with me for a couple parts of it. You know, I wasn't going to tell my family that I was racing- and I still didn't tell my father until after I finished... and that's all I'm saying about that here...- but I don't think I'd've finished without my sister being there. Especially after that asthma attack at mile 6.

Oh man, and I saw a couple of people I hadn't seen in a while, including Miss Elizabeth, my old swim teacher! She was my teacher when I was tiny and unconfident, and she's such an inspiration to me. We share a birthday, which is also pretty cool. I'll have to tell you about her some time.


ANYway. So yes, I finished the half marathon. And then, I dunno, life got hard. Oh, yeah, I found out I have an ulcer or similar gastric-distress-causing issues with my stomach. That was not. fun. And I had strep twice in May- the second time after Baji had her baby...

... which was a boy! named Amin. So that's 3 boys for Baji and Baya. May all of them be righteous in the way of Allah, and a blessing to their parents and family, amin!

... which means that I have not actually met that baby yet. Boo hiss. And i was out of days by then, so I just took the prescription Baji had given me earlier (she's my doc) and trooped into work. And then? Then the ceiling fell in and I planned:

-1 Field Trip an hour away with 40 preschoolers
-1 Field DAY concurrent with a Graduation for same preschoolers
-3 booth games for the school fundraiser, which was today

All within 10 days. Because I am nuts and also because I don't like to look at calendars.


So please forgive me for not posting in May. I was a teeny bit busy.

In other news, Practimate is... hmph. Don't get me started. The lectures have re-started, mashaAllah, and I'm still thinking about asking for a refund for matching, since none of my matches seemed to be open to being matched to a Black woman. Go figure. Or don't. I'm not going to talk about that any longer. I am still recommending Practimate to single Muslims, but only for the mashaAllah-excellent lectures.
That reminds me, I wonder if Half Our Deen is up?

And yes, Sunny and Catty1 are getting married next weekend. BUT D, one of my bestest friends from childhood and beyond, is getting married 2 weeks after that. AND, I've registered for Fawakih, yay! And ISNA, yehoo! My summer is looking up. InshaAllah yours will as well...


peace
TwennyTwo

Things you don't say aloud

assalamu alaikum,

Sometimes I'm really constrained by the fact that people I know read this. Sometimes I don't care.

But a lot of times what I say here is what I wouldn't say aloud.

I knew Sunny was getting married. Turns out he's marrying the head of the Catty Crew.


BOOYAH, ya NAFS!!! Just when you thought you were SOMETHING SPECIAL!!


No, those feelings don't get any easier to handle as I get older, but my game face does.


Dag, the worst part is that since Catty1 will be May's SIL I can't even confide how much Catty1 gets on my nerves. Well, I guess this IS going to drive me toward better habits. Back to Allah. Silver linings everywhere.

I had 3 different sets of friends either get married or get engaged this week. I wish them all the best of blessings and happiness, in all sincerity. I just as sincerely wish I didn't know anything about all this wedded bliss. My game face is getting a heckuva workout.

And now I'm off to soak my jainamaz pray.

peace

When a dream is awesome

Assalamu Alaikum,

Man, it's cold. I only mention it because it was so cold I got off work yesterday. Yes, the schools closed for a COLD DAY.

Mind you we're talking minus 15 wind chill, so it was kinda expected.

It gave me much needed time to rest...

... and to do my Practimate work. Go on, check it out, it's a new initiative by Sheikh Yaser Birjas, of Marriage Revolution fame.

I like the program because it offers training for people before they marry... and even before you meet 'The One'. Training of the sort I've been bugging Bro. Leader about for a while, but he's got bigger better things to do. So I'm in the first batch of people to go through the program, and I like- not because it's asking me to think about things that I've never thought about before. I've actually thought about marriage enough that my answers are substantial. I like the exercises because they're forcing me to focus and clarify my thinking, and my expectations for marriage. And this is just Step One of eight in the program.

My only (teeny weeny) detraction is that I think we need to do more! Faster! Both because I really (really) want to get married already, and because I'm an action oriented person, I need something going on in order to keep working on the program. We discuss a new module every 3-5 days (it's supposed to be 2-4, but 3-5 is more like what I've noticed).

So, yeah. Practimate rocks.

In related but different matters, I had the most awesomest dream yesterday. This was after going out to eat with my family, on my sister's birthday. Happy Birthday Toto! But anyway, so I came home and went to sleep and... dreamt. Of a person I won't name. And I was mad happy when I woke up (before Fajr!).

Because dreams can be suggestive of the future, I don't want to tell the details. But I do have a question. When a dream is awesome, how do you follow it? Do you just wait and see what happens? Or do you act on what you saw? I feel a very strong urge to do a particular thing based on this dream. I mean, I woke up and prayed the urge to go do this was so strong. MashaAllah.

And when is a dream just, you know, a dream?

peace
TwennyTwo

My Fairy Tales

Assalamu Alaikum,


Most of my friends- I mean, a good deal- are married (or coupled and nearly married up... lookin' at you, Meke). And all of the women will tell you that the first thing I ask about is how they got together. I call those stories my 'fairy tales'- even if they're no happily ever after story, they're always good for a sigh and a smile.

The story of Michelle Obama is no exception:


My friend A. has warned me, 'Don't go talking about this to everyone! This is private!' And I took her nasiha at first, because she was right in that not all ears are attached to those who are looking out for my best interest. But at the same time, it's just hard for me NOT to talk about the things that interest me; so when you're around me you hear about preschool learning activities, microbiology and midwifery, and marriage. And alhamdulillah, I think that especially in this cuture, in the US, the pot that squeals gets poured. If I don't put it out there that I love my students, that nursing and the whole process of birth interest me, and that I want to get married, how will opportunities make themselves known?

Today at halaqa we talked about Hasad, and jealousy, and the evil eye, and how nothing that happens to us happens, except by permission and will of Allah. And that just as we are working within time with our tools of free will, good deeds, and dua'a to ask Allah to give us good, we can't understand just how fully Allah is outside of time, and created free will, and wants us to ask for what he already gave. It was deep.

And since I was sitting close to Bro. Leader, I looked down at my behennaed hands while he talked. I've found that the American respect of looking people in the eye when they're talking doesn't always translate well into intimate Islamic study circles... and when I looked up, Farhan was sitting across from me. I was startled. And got flustered... could this be the beginning of my own fairy tale? I gazed at my hands again, and made dua'a that Allah's will be made clear. When I looked up again, Farhan was gone. And Bro. Leader had returned to the topic of the goodness of Allah's rizq, in that he has written not only what he willed, but what we ask for.

peace
TwennyTwo

free associating

Assalamu Alaikum,

Today is my father's birthday. I'm happy and blessed to still have him here. We went to dinner, sans JW, at one of his favorite restaurants. The food was okay, the conversation liberally seasoned with laughter. I wish it were that way all the time. Alhamdulillah for the good days.

I didn't go to work today, and I'm really frustrated with the fact that I couldn't get a strep test. I've been ill for some weeks, but my dr's office suggested that I go to the Urgent Care or an ED. For a strep test? I was a bit offended. Especially when, her partner wouldn't do the strep test either- he specialises in children. It's just funny to me that you must see thousands of cases of strep in a year, but you won't do a strep test on someone over the age of 18. Okay.

So now I either get to find a new office tomorrow morning for the purposes of the strep test (and to figure out what this is if it isn't strep- I've been ill more and less since Eid). I'm not returning to the doc I saw before, who decided it was necessary to voice her opinion on my hijab. No, thanks.

While at my sister's house I found a paper I had lost, with the email of a suitor on it... so I guess I am supposed to contact him. Make dua'a for me.

peace
TwennyTwo

Race You

Assalamu Alaikum,

So, didn't sleep much last night. This would make up for the fact that I pretty much slept around the prayer times all day yesterday. That's a neat knack to have if it weren't for the fact that I probably should've been up doing things yesterday. I'm not sick, alhamdulillah, but I think a couple things have me a little bit down. One, is a particular man who is exploring the idea of marrying me. The other is the concept of race and how far we've not come on it in this ummah. Sigh.

The man? Was around before that last post of mine. I'm getting a strong 'no' feeling after istikhara and a pretty uneasy and forgettable conversation with him. I don't want to go into it too much here. Just want to note for my own memory that I have this uneasy feeling about him. I'm fighting myself because I don't want to be biased against him without having really met him, when there are a couple of things I could be biased against. I guess I want to give him a fighting chance when something else slightly irrational but true-to-me is saying 'nuh-unh'.

The race thing is, I guess, the flip side of that particular coin. I've been here in Conservopolis a year. And while I've got some friends, they aren't the close-close kind of friends. A very few confidants who are trustworthy. And I trust them because they will make un-politically correct remarks around me. They've let me put my foot in my mouth, too. Certain people, make me think I want to hold them at arms' length, but that isn't the way to maintain friendships, is it? Still. That crew of women who are around my age I find particularly frustrating. One moment they're calling me sweetheart and the next I'm ignoring the fact that there are several gatherings I wasn't invited to being mentioned in my face. Sigh. If I were included I'd have something else to be mad about so I'm gonna stick to the ones who are true: the 30 something moms. For some reason, maybe because they have neither time nor intention to BS me, I'm easier around them.

Then we have the whole dark skin thing. I find it hilarious and at the same time frustrating to be summarily dismissed on first impression because of my skin color and cultural background. Equally funny and maddening to have myself subjected to every stereotype about African Americans simply because I am one. From my teacher at the beginning of the summer to some rude teens at a party the other day, I've seen it and had to have some patience on it.

The patience is always rewarded when the children of the community, my students, no matter what color they are, run and tackle my knees as soon as they see me. Some of these children have begun parroting the 'you're darker, not pretty' belief at me, but their love belies the indoctrination. To have to interrupt my conversation with an adult to direct my attention three feet lower to a (non-African American, paper-bag test passing) child gleefully screeching, "Miss Two! Miss Two!" and watching the adult's expression 'lighten' is better than any fight I could fight.

I wish I could convey that through the internet.

I have to go to work, or I'd finish this. There's another telling thing: I do NOT want to go back to work under one of the admins at my school (no point in singling one of them out). And I don't want to go back, period. This'll change, I'm sure, when I"m in the middle of selecting shiny new posters, laminating borders and arabic cards, making nametags and cubby pictures for my students. Teaching at this level is a very fun line of work; but it is a line of work. InshaAllah I'll be one of those who either finds work that isn't like working, things I think about late at night and can't wait to get to in the morning, or I'll be finally able to make my home that work, and I'll only have to account to my Lord for my days. That? Would be awesome.

peace
TwennyTwo

YOU are now officially everyone and their mama

Salaam Alaikum,

Rejection stinks. This is true. It happened when I was surrounded by about 100 teenagers, 9 of whom I was responsible for. Know what? That helped me get over it all the quicker. It wasn't easy, but the kids gave me a great excuse to not be around them for a couple of hours (they played a prank on the counselors, so I needed to go change my clothes) and I got in the pimp car (which, btw, had been scraped earlier by one of the campers' cars that week- now I have to paint it) and drove in it and stopped in the dark and thought dark thoughts and talked to God before returning to see the girls to sleep. When I was done I was raw, when I woke the next morning I was absolutely okay with the whole thing. Whew.


Moving along- someone else has asked about me. Most obvious draw: he's definitely established in life, has worked a couple of careers, and people I trust know him pretty well. Most obvious drawback? He's around 16 years older than I am.

*sigh* make dua'a please. Really. I'm serious. Even just a 'Allah, please give that sister who calls herself Twenny guidance amin' will help greatly.

That, and um if I haven't stated it baldly enough, I am pretty serious about getting married. So if you know me and you know somebody, mention me. All suggestions will be entertained.

Yeah, this guy said it pretty well, entertain yourself for 9 minutes of your life:




MYNA Camp was wonderful, mashaAllah. I had a relatively small cabin, with roughly the same age group- a little younger. There were challenging personalities and deep personalities. My assistant, A, was the head counselor for the girls, and another very good friend was also counselor. And really, I get along pretty well with all of the counselors who were there. There are certain ladies with whom I have ... an ambivalent relationship. And all of these women are pretty prominent, or rather from prominent and established families in the Conservopolis community.

The ones I don't mix well with were not there. You know I said alhamdulillah for that, and made dua'a for them as well since the reasons for their absences were very sad. It's weird. Just because we don't get along doesn't mean I don't wish them the best. This grownup thing takes getting used to.

The theme of the camp meant that we spent a LOT of time talking about the characteristics of Jennah and Jehennam. There were a couple of repeat speakers, including one of the organizers and one of the coordinators of the Fawakih program. Plus, people from the program itself came to visit, a welcome surprise.

The highlights of my week, besides community prayer all day every day, were the swim sessions (yay all-girls swimming, TWICE), being able to float and really listen to all of the kids responses and ideas in the various programming workshops, and the calligraphy workshops. InshaAllah men are really as oblivious as we think because Sonny's brother was the calligraphy teacher. (Now that I think on it, his wife may have told him I was interested anyhow. I don't want to ponder that anymore.) He didn't have ijaza, just experience in the past, but I enjoyed his very straightforward approach to teaching and positive criticism. Alhamdulillah I learned a lot, though, and it's something I may actually want to pursue. Conservopolis doesn't have any teachers, so that'll take doing. We'll see.

ISNA is coming, and I go back to teaching next week. This year, how it has flown!

peace
TwennyTwo

Meanwhile

assalamu alaikum,

My version of sabr has somehow become BK french fries. They crunch so tastily even though the inside is soft and gooey, just like I like it.

Today is the first anniversary of my grandmother's death. I made dua'a, but.

JW has officially lost his mind. I don't want to talk about it.

Fawakih did not come at a great time for me. I have less patience- or access to 'sabr'- than I like.

I'm not married. I'll be twenty seven on Sunday. One prospect 'ahem' let me know he was engaged today.


Somebody pass the ketchup.

dua's para dudas

Assalamu Alaikum,

i find myself facing doubts, las dudas, otra vez.

i'm not smart enough, not skilled enough, not learned enough.

not patient enough, not forbearing enough.

llego a condenarme de nuevo. no soy la suficiente aceptable.

me? nowhere near pale enough or pretty enough, not short enough or thin enough.

not smooth enough, not plucked enough. not attractive- enough.

ni suficiente humilde, ni discreta, ni domestica

not motivated enough, not hardworking enough, not impartial enough, not logical- enough.

not organized enough or forward-looking enough; not brave nor innovative enough.

not careful enough. not consistent enough.

And the mirror I see shows the truth.
puede ser que las dudas son la realidad?
I need my reality and all i can do is hit the floor, on my face, wondering if I'm acceptable yet again. This isn't pretty.

pray, please.

Belong... y, dudas.

assalamu alaikum,

"Don't take it personal. No matter what people say to you, don't take it personal. I't's not about you. It's about them." -Yahaira Liriano

I used to could hate me some Yahaira. I mean really couldn't stand her. She personified everything about GIRLS in general I don't like.

But that doesn't mean she isn't right.

It has been a day. My 'kids' (I am childless, thank you very much) had their 'graduation' program today. Meaning a little more than half of the morning class was promoted. To kindergarten. And the parents were so complimentary (Alhamdulillah, everything went well and no one tripped and fell off the stage). And my room mothers made sure the food went without a hitch.





You know what my problem really is? Exclusion.

I like to be included in things that catch my interest. It's fun to be a part of a group that promotes my favorite team, for instance. I'm no different from anyone else in that, I hope.

And so it surprises me that I still get heartily, heavily, truthfully and genuinely angry when I am excluded from things. I get furiously upset when I see other groups of people deliberately excluding others. This is the aspect of cliques and such that I was thinking about when I deliberately wrote the title, "I. hate. GIRLS.".

It makes me sad that I even got so angry that I wrote that. I love girls. I see myself in them. I am one. Alhamdulillah. As much as I miss my lifeline circle of guys I do adore being a girl in so many little ways. And men can be clique-ish, too. Lord knows I have seen it.

But this has been characterized as such a feminine trait, and I see it so MUCH in the little (tiny!) girls I work with, that I'm just beyond the anger to wondering. What is this really about?

Belonging.

Why do girls learn to be so darn clique-ish at such an early age? It's annoying. It's infuriating. And it becomes ingrained.

I wish I could exclude myself from that statement. But I've done it to others. In reaction, or hurt, or, may Allah forgive me if it's true, perhaps out of sheer ability to do so, to push the other away.

************************************************************

People get really really angry, sometimes, if you project what you're thinking or your motivations or your skills onto them. It's not the best habit to have.

I wish I could see evidence of people thinking of the opposite, though.
If I don't project some of my very human feelings, motives, and abilities on the people I meet, then I become pretty inconsiderate, incurious, condescending. That's a sociopath in the making, when you take it to the extreme level.

*************************************************************

JW has not said shahadah. I don't know what to do for him. He clings to his dunyawi ways, wants to go to Vegas for his milestone birthday coming up, wants to earn a living on some definitely haraam means. The hope in my heart was so sweet and I'm just sad. Would you exchange akhira for the ability to play poker for cash? Belief can't be forced.


**************************************************************


I was born Black and Female in the United States. Try as I may, I think my culturalization will follow me forever. When I stop and think about it, it's the little insinuations made over my lifetime, the whispers from shaitan and my background in the back of my mind- and then I'm mad about it.

Farhan is Palestinian and fair. Farhan is tall. Farhan is "hot" (my assistant's words, not mine. I was hoping he wasn't as handsome as I thought, but I'm getting to that.) This is pretty inconsequential as far as I'm concerned. That's how he is, right?

The whispers start in my mind. Why is he checking me out? Why me? Is he one of
those?, the ones who chase black girls for no good reason? Does he see my spirit, how much I rejoice in Islam, that I love kids, that I'm a bookworm, that I'm actually a little bit shy? Why me?

Then they continue. Nothing remarkable over here. He should be looking at Wilma, or Sima, they're Palestinian and beautiful. Otherwise, why would everyone tell me they're looking for an African American (never Black) brother for me?

InshaAllah... part I

assalamu alaikum,

Hmm, not so productive a weekend for me. I woke on Saturday with ganas to get some MAJOR cleaning, weeding, and organizing done. Last week I planted some flowers- dahlias, petunias, impatiens, coleus, all red, and some stevia to go with the na'na' on the porch for tea- for my Mama while she was in South Carolina with my great-grandmother. I also started some loads of laundry that were sitting, folded and waiting to be put away. I also intended to rest a bit, since my preschoolers are going on a trip to the world-renowned Conservopolis Zoo at 8:30 AM Monday. (Man, don't those PM preschool parents just luurve me!)

Yeah so I was going to do all that and just started feeling terrible. Achy. And ended up flat in the bed for most of Saturday with a 102 fever. That's with medicine. I was a sick Twenny.

This wouldn't've been such a big deal except for: a) all that stuff I really really wanted to do above; b)the zoo trip coming c) halqa on Sunday.

I know I'm rambling! Yes, there is a story about someone learning more about Islam! Part of the story is getting you to the good parts. This is why I was bummed about missing halaqa:

See, I know I told y'all about the Native Deen concert in Conservopolis, but I left out some juicy things until I was sure they were worth mentioning.

While at this conference and concert, I was sitting next to the wife of my halaqa leader, May, on the aisle. Across the aisle from us were a girl who was familiar to me from some girls' parties at 'Eid last year. I'd met her a couple of times, she was nice, but her name escaped me for one reason or another. (She's Marya, by the way.) There was a man sitting on her immediate right. I've seen him at halqa like twice, total, at this point.

He keeps looking over at us.

At this particular point I know this brother is either peepin' me, or May. And everyone and their mama knows May is married to my halaqa leader. And she hasn't been any more outstanding than usual today. Maybe he's just debating whether to say hello. Maybe he's looking at me. Maybe. Or maybe someone behind us. Or maybe I'm trippin'. I figured I was trippin'. And, that if I saw ol' bro at halaqa the next day, maybe then I could start thinking he was looking my way.

And then I told myself not to be so conceited and went about enjoying the concert.

Next day, however, I get to halaqa at the masjid late (it was Mother's Day, so I'd been planting in the rain) and look who's the only person there waiting with our leader...yup, mystery brother. That was a surprise since he hadn't been at halqa in some time. I don't think I'd seen him there twice in a row before.
He's definitely LOOKING AT ME. This was disconcerting. He was sitting beside Bro. Leader and I kept catching him looking away as I looked up. Huh? Do I got toothpaste on my face or something?

Whatever, right?

Right.

So the next day there was an aqiqah for another notable family in the community and once again we're all there. I got to sit at the table with Marya and asked, "Who was that guy with you yesterday, your husband or uncle or brother?" She laughs when I say 'husband' and goes, "Nah, that's my big brother Farhan. Neither of us is married." Crucial info there.

Skip forward through a really tough week to Friday night gathering. Yay- Marya's there! If nothing else, I figure I've got a new friend, because we have a lot in common. We're both really tall. She's studying to be a nurse, and has a big family. We both speak Spanish, and she's spent some time in Germany as well. And we both love kids. This sister is just interesting, mashaAllah. It's so nice to find someone with similar interests who is close to my age here. We talked the whole night about everything from school to clothes to kids to careers, and I enjoyed her company.

But imagine what starts going though my brain when, after she says salaams and sits down with a plate of food, the first thing she says is, "So what's going on on the marriage front for you?" And when I say nothing much, she asks, "And what exactly are you looking for in a brother? Like, to marry?"

Word? It's like that? Now that's interesting.

So I invited Marya herself to the halaqa today, figuring I'd never seen her there, she'd enjoy it... etc. And she begs off by saying she has two exams on Monday- but she might decide to study really hard on Saturday, in order to make it on Sunday.

and then I end up sick with a fever! Of all the things to happen.

InshaAllah, khair, right? What Allah has decreed will happen, right?

I'm so happy about what did happen...y'all wouldn't believe it if I told you.

Or will you?

peace
TwennyTwo

Reflections

assalamu alaikum,

Yes, so I'm averaging about two posts a month this year. How far I've come. I'm writing through a splitting headache just now- otherwise I won't get a chance for a while. I've been "thinking" my posts for weeks now. By the time I get to sit down, they're all forgotten. Maybe I should go back to good'ol paper journaling for good. On the other hand, what I like about blogging is the ability to share, and get feedback on the thoughts I actually publish. I'm thinking about moving to wordpress, but only if and when I have time to actually do stuff with the blog and not just neglect it for weeks at a time. I dunno. We'll see.

The school was on spring break last week. I'd made a whole bunch of plans for what I'd do. Puh-leeze. I slept the first 6 days, ran around running errands on the seventh, and then on the last three went to St. Louis for the MSA Central Zone conference. The conference was good, but sparsely attended- even the campus where we were was on spring break, and half of the students who'd registered and paid to attend didn't show. I guess they were on break, too.

I enjoyed the trip. St. Louis was a nice city, not that I got to see much of it. I became really good friends with the women who went with us. I went with the University of Conservopolis MSA- and you know how they roll, girls in one car, guys in the other. So it was good to relax and just talk, read, and eat, learn about and from one another. More than half of us ended up, um, not praying during the trip. I don't know what that was about. But anyway, I genuinely liked every single one of the women with us, and that was a treat.

I'm up in the air on whether or not that was my last MSA trip. I'll have been out of undergrad five years (yikes!) this May. On one hand, I do feel, just a bit, that I should have outgrown the group. But on the other hand, I haven't. Maybe I'm attracted to groups that have either mature or even just likeable people. I'll go anywhere I can to learn a little more about Islam, add to the pieces of understanding and truth I've picked up since my shahada.

Too, we're Muslims, and that seemed to come first at this particular C-Zone conference.. East Zone conferences I've attended in the past have definitely had a bit of that "ISNA Saturday Night" feeling, and I was able to just gravitate toward the actual learning portions of the conference. EZ definitely was more meat market, more "foo foo", appearance based, and um... young, as in immature. There were way more people there, too.
This conference really didn't have much of that. The people there seemed for the most part to be actually focused on living as Muslims, day in and day out, in our communities and in this country. The speakers were all actual imams, sheikhs, learned individuals. I'm trying to think if even one was a woman... I don't think any of the main speakers were female. Not that that bothers me. I'm just sayin'.

As an MSA conference, of course there were like 4 main areas under which all of the lectures and breakout sessions seemed to fall: How to Live Like a Muslim, Bringing Islam to American Communities, The Cultural Gap Between Backhomelandia (ht to Umm Zaid)and the USA, and, ever-present, Gettin' Hitched and Otherwise Keepin it Halal Around The Other Gender.

Oh, which reminds me what I wanted to say about that.

I forget that I'm a convert sometimes. When I'm allowed to. When it's just me and my rug and my Lord. When I'm going about my business. When I'm living a life carefully groomed toward ever more taqwa and ibadah (worship) inshaAllah. That aspect of my Islam is not one I've decided to keep on the outside as part of my identity. I'm Muslim. It's annoying sometimes to go through the 20 questions with every Muslim I meet and after I answer, "My parents are from Alabama", I get the, Oh, MashaAllah, A Convert How and Why Did/Do You Do It? speech. (Not sure why I'm capitalizing everything in sight. Bear with me.)

However, because I am a convert, there are certain things that I see that are particular to being a new Muslim especially in the US. My feeling is that while converts may be a small portion of the world's Muslims, we're a big fount of increase in Muslim numbers. We're not an ignorable minority, because many converts still have social currency in the sections of society they belonged to before Islam. Which means, if a convert radiates contentment and joy even during the hard times after conversion, then there's more opportunity for more dawah as people who know this person see that in them. On the other hand, all of us have heard of the convert who was truly a convert but was disillusioned in Islam and turned away, complaining bitterly to the people to whom they've returned. If nothing else, attention needs to be paid to this group, just little touches that make converts feel able to integrate smoothly from where they are to the Muslims Allah wants them to be. That sounds idealistic, but that's how I feel.

And yet, especially when it comes to things like MSA conferences, aspects that would especially apply to converts are repeatedly ignored. And when they're brought up, they're brushed off or treated as side notes. It's frustrating. The particular thread that comes to mind is (of course) one of the breakout sessions that was about marriage and how to actually approach the other person blah blah blah. I hope y'all get the gist. Just as last year, I brought up the question of what the speakers (fortunately great speakers and pretty knowlegeable, I thought) would tell a convert or even a student from a not-so-practising Muslim family whose parents aren't able or don't want to help him/her get married. And the silence was big. It was as if these guys hadn't even ever considered the possibility that that could even happen.

Of course, they answered the question. The response was (I wish I had my notes with me) something like, 'they should ask friends or someone they can trust, or even get their parents to help them. Their parents should want to help them since they love them. Since yes, mashaAllah there's an ever larger number of people coming to Islam through our college campuses we should be open to this possibility."

Sigh. Discuss. I've gotta go. InshaAllah when I get back to the computer I'll talk more about that--- and the fact that the man I've had my eye on was on this trip. Heh Heh Heh. Yay cliffhangers!

peace
TwennyTwo

I don't even know what to call this

assalamu alaikum,

Been a while, huh?

I hope everyone is doing well.

I want to be upbeat, but really, I'm out of sorts.

As positive as I was about staying at the school where I'm currently working, events of the past week have made me seriously reconsider. I think what I'm going to do is find out which classes I'm missing for licensure in this state, and then see if I can take them this summer.
I hate job hunting like fire, second only to moving (and they're really different forms of the same thing), but I'll do and have done both. If I have a teaching license I can work in public school (= much more pay and an environment that, while not islamic, is one I'm used to) or I can stay at the Islamic school but with much more leverage. Because, get this, the admin offered my assistant the lead teacher position last week- the same week they'd both ticked me off royally and then told me that I'd be moving to the upper school next year. While I wasn't thrilled, I was much less sanguine when I heard from my assistant that they'd rescinded the offer because there're no places in the upper school for me to go- a teacher who said she'd move isn't doing so. Great. Aside from the pettier stuff that upset me in the first place, now you're jerking people's positions around publicly. I say, just sit on that stuff until you have contracts up (or not). Argh.

Or, get this suggestion from my mother this morning, I could return to la isla this summer and take the few courses I needed in order to finish a certification or master's degree there. Plus, I mean, summer in portareeco! Sounds like a vacation I could definitely use. I miss my friends and the warmth of that place deeply.

I'll have to figure it out financially, but I should just about be able to swing it. I'm tutoring after school and on weekends now, with children much older than my daily preschool set. I get to work with older students, they get to learn and review what they need for school, and apparently what I charge is a bargain. Works for everyone. Excellent.

My classes had their field trip yesterday, mashaAllah! They had a great time. I think I want to go again- around 6 kids didn't go, and all of the adults agreed that we needed more time there. I took one child who is three handfuls, and while i was dealing with her, one of the others in my group wandered off- twice. The first time I nearly had a heart attack thinking of him and where he was and what I'd tell his mom- and as soon as i reported him missing to the booth, he turned up. Whew! They did have a great time, and that's what counts. I'm sorry I didn't get them to do it earlier.

When, inshaAllah, I run this half-marathon in May, I'll be very undertrained, so much so that I'm already making dua'a just to finish. I'll finish no matter how long it takes me. Things keep popping up, serious stuff that stresses me out and pushes me off-schedule. I really really really want to do this, though. So I may start undertrained and just pray through. I don't want to be in too much pain afterward, though,but I mean... when I was running and training in the full of summer before I had no issues. I just need to get up to a high number of miles in training again.

D called me the other day. He wanted to let me know about the invite he recieved to Rabbit and Bay's wedding. I think he was also fishing to know if I got one. I didn't. I don't know how I feel about that except that I'm still thinking about it, which can't be good. The phone call, and the non-invite. *sigh*. That call was the first time D called me since I left DC. He generally doesn't call me unless something's bothering him (ha- and I thought I wasn't a good listener) or something's going on with our old college crew, Rabbit and Bay included. I said a while ago that the biggest problem with D is that he isn't Muslim, and I mean that, so while I was happy to hear from him... I was almost ambivalent, too. Allahu Alim. I'ont need to be talkin to no mens anyhow. I'm still making dua'a on marriage.

Hee hee hee. Oh man. That reminds me. I went to a seminar/lecture/talk tonight about managing finances islamically. While it was good, it was more about generally how to manage finances, and less about where to actually put your money now that you know what's halal and what's haraam about investing and owning(NOT saving!) especially here in the western part of the world. InshaAllah they're going to have a whole series on this stuff, so my questions'll be answered then.

Yeah, so my crush was there tonight. TOTALLY wasn't expecting that one. I hope I wasn't rude, I tend to be very cool in public to keep my blushes under control. I should've known there was a huge chance he'd be there, his family's big in the particular masjid where the lecture was being held- he's related to the speaker, in fact. But I haven't thought about him in a while. Sooo glad I'm not pale, SubhanAllah, I'd've been tomato red, ya'll. I straight asked his sister if he's 'looking' and found out that he kind of is but not really, since he's thinking about going to the ME soon. Some of y'all may know him so I won't get into it, but. Hmm. Maybe that's my sign to be looking elsewhere.

Anyway. Got that off my chest. Happy March- inshaAllah I'll write again before the end of the month!

peace
TwennyTwo

I'm supposed to be getting the Pimp Car (tm) fixed.

assalamu alaikum,

And I will get it fixed. Before y'all jump on me for calling it anything associated with a noun traditionally meaning someone/a trade that oppresses women, just stop. Go google 1987 Chevrolet Caprice. Then come back and tell me I'm wrong.

But one night of sleep later and I'm still thinking of something that's been bothering me; mainly that I'm languishing in a world of women. See the comment above. I'd never have made it two years ago. You gotta problem with me calling it a pimp car? Aiight, sounds like your problem.

This is a personal problem. I tried to go over it with someone else here and it fell flat. My mother understands how I feel though. I think I've tried to go over it before; I didn't know that this feeling would follow me.

I don't really like women all that much.

No, that's not true.

I like women a lot, can chill and work with other women just fine. I need to say, gratefully, that I have been welcomed with assistance and open arms and open doors just about everywhere in the Ummacommunity here in Conservopolis. I just don't function at my peak, or do well emotionally, being around all women, all the time. Yes. That's it. This 24-hour women station is getting on my nerves. When I was in DC working as an interpreter/admin, the same thing got to me. I was living with two women (who later developed their own drama), TheGreatestBossEver (man) had left, leaving me in a place where 5 women and 1 man worked regularly. The man was the finance guy, so I didn't have much to do with him, but sometimes his presence did mitigate things. And one of the women took an active dislike to me but I digress. Even without the drama that woman caused I felt like I was gonna strangle one of these CHICKS. Eccccchhhh.

Then I got the job at Grocery Store, where the manager was Lisette, and she has another female trainee working her way to the top, but many of the others were guys. That worked well. I felt like I could let off some steam and be my straight-shooting self without having to worry about emotions and cattiness and moodiness all the time. A lot of the guys were teenagers so I got to be big sister all over again, in work-mode of course. And truthfully, my last set of roomies was the best because... they weren't very socially girly. We weren't all mushy and dramatic- one had her engagement break off and didn't engage in the hysterics and I felt able to help her through it without drowning in it.

Because my job was so public, there was never anything inappropriate but I felt/feel at ease in the um relaxed? way that men interact. I don't know why girls hit puberty and do all sorts of tension-causing things. But I do think I know why I was miserable almost all of my seventh-grade year when it came to friends. I was trying to fit in with the girls. I quit that mess and was happy through senior year... when I had to work with a bunch of girls again. I was good in college (athlete in a sport pretty much dominated by men with a strong women's team, then mentored by male student leaders who were years older than I) until I started trying to be more "halal in my interactions" and join sororities and stuff. Hmm. I think I'm seeing a pattern.

So I moved to Conservopolis, and that was a blessing from Allah all wrapped up in a bow. Alhamdulillah! No qualifications. I came here, I have a place to stay with my family and I see my sibs all the time, I feel like the pimp car was, again, wrapped up and presented to me (and has had NO problems until the other day when the wipers shut off as I was heading down a major highway at 9PM in a rainstorm at about 70MPH... yeah that was an iman-building moment), I have a couple jobs where I'm surrounded by Muslims. And by the end of any given day my teeth are on edge. Too many women? Not enough men? I'm thinking it's one of the two. To be truthful, it's leavened by the fact that all of my tutoring gigs involve my teaching boys.

So I was face-up on my bed trying to make sense of this, and my moms came to speak to me (one of the truly marvelous things about living in Conservopolis. Random Mama Access when I need it. AlHamdulillah), and as she was leaving I think I asked her did I always tend to get sort of depressed around girls. Or something like that. She paused at the doorjamb and told me, "I've been thinking about that. You know, I realize that Islam has some aspects that are good for you. And you need them. So that's good that you're in it. But I worry about you. You're around nothing but women all day long, and you have never done well like that. Are you sure that this being separated from men is a religious requirement? Or is it cultural? Because you can take the religion and leave the culture, you know."


Yup. My mama said that. Or pretty close to it. I kid you not. So first, a takbir that she's actually said 'Hey, I know Islam is right for you'.

But. Um, yeah, the person who can lay claim to knowing me best in the world pretty much outlines the exact same concern I have. And yes, I did tell her why I know that this particular way of being is part of the deen and not just cultural. She and my sister find the idea of not dating at all completely foreign. I shall not start down that path, only say that it ain't for me ANYway, something I decided BEFORE I was Muslim, because God knows what He's doing.

Is this something fix-able? I have no idea. I mean, I can... try to join the MSA at University of Conservopolis. I went to one of their events the other day, and it was a lot of fun. Everyone was separated, like there was no pairing off or anything like that, but everyone was having a good time and there was the chance for a couple of comments and the hum of the jokes in the background. The leader of my Sunday halaqa was there (we all respect him and look up to him so things were definitely kept on the halal more than usual), and everyone was having a good time.

At the same time, when you put people in the mix like that, folk start seeing things. One brother pulled me aside and asked me for advice because he 'saw' one of the older brothers flirting with one of the sisters. He claimed that he wasn't alone and there were others, his question being, what should he do? Step to the guy and tell him to quit flirting? Talk to the sister involved or to her older sibling? Say nothing? *sigh* Even with the best of intentions someone has to mess something up. I mean that empirically, without pointing any fingers at anyone in that mess. (I might talk a bit about that particular situation later, since it involves people who were at camp, and I don't know that I want to go there without talking out my camp issues. And I might not talk about it at all.)

I don't see a whole lot I can do. As my sister pointed out, my social interaction is very limited between trying to be good and pattern my interaction on the teachings of the Prophet as I learn them, and on the other side being a product of my culture and particular upbringing. I think I will join the UC MSA, that might help. (I'm concentrating VERY HARD on not thinking about a certain man I know is in that group. I don't want to join if Ima get crush-a-licious, I don't need that either.) I should also note that my interactions with my father and brother are not where they could be- one brother is on the West Coast, one is ill and needs my support, not the other way around, and my father and I both work hours where we don't see each other much. When we do, we talk about the Pimp Car. So my outs aren't really outs.

I guess this is the non-romantic side of my whining back in the day. I'm more intellectual, more jocular, less outwardly-focused than the women around me, and when I do find women like that, they're busy and don't have the ability to be friends. Much. I'm working on a couple of sisters at work who are younger and less dramatic, getting to know them better- of course, they work at the other side of the school, the middle school, which is where I trained probably because that's where my personality lies.

Ladies, if you've read this far, thank you. Please shed some light as you will. Guys, I'm not trying to leave you out, just doubtful any male readers still lurk here. And if you're lurking thanks for listening. My father (and my gut)insists that I get the Pimp Car fixed- I was supposed to be there two hours ago, so I'm outta here...

peace
TwennyTwo

Hues

assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

The upside of not having been all about the blog this month is that I've been living. Downside? I miss all the goings-on, all the fun stuff. It's Thanksgiving Day here, and while giving thanks liberally I also had the time to peruse various blogs. Yay!

I stopped over at DP's spot, which led me to Safiya at Outlines, which led me to Umar Lee, and all of them talked in some way about spouses and husbands and interracial relationships etc. So now, my turn to think a lil bit about all of this. And I've been avoiding the topic for such a time as would lend itself to my being open and vulnerable about it.

Y'all know I'm not married. Most of the people who've read this blog came to notice it because of a post that was basically whining about options for young unmarried Muslimas. Or making valid points on the options for unmarried muslimahs, depending on your paradigm. I'm not actively searching; rather making a lot of dua'a after fruitless searches. My eyes are out there but not much else.

In reading the responses to Umar Lee's posts on the topic I've seen a lot of hateration going around, especially when it comes to American Black Women being marriageable. I've seen it so much that I've had to catch myself; at one point I had absorbed the viewpoint that my being Black made me less desireable to Muslims of other races and cultures. I actively have had to reject that inside my own head. Now, you all know that I am intensely glad that Allah saw fit to make me Black, and thankful that I am an educated professional in this country. wa Astaghfirullah. It was abhor-ably easy for me to detect that 'don't bring one of Them home' attitude through the computer screen as well as through my everyday encounters, the chance remarks, the sideways looks and the non-looks. Audhu biIllah. Shaitan is really sneaky on this one.

As for the looking- I've just stopped looking and started making dua'a instead. It's funny that when I mention that I want to get married to some of the sisters who ask about my marital status in this city (I'm new to a lot of people here), they inevitably ask what kind of brother I'm looking for. To which I reply: A good, educated man. Aisha looked at me askance when I gave her my off-the-cuff answer that I didn't care as long as he was educated and spoke Spanish. "Spanish? " she cocked her head at me, really puzzled. "When I stub my toe or yell that's the language I tend to work in," I answered half seriously.

The truth is that I... almost... I want to say 'I don't care', in that peculiarly American way that I have of using that phrase, but that's not specific enough. I don't care- about the small stuff. Or rather, I don't have a picture all prettily painted in my mind, waiting for Allah to *poof* make Optimal Husband appear and ride me into the sunset. I guess somewhere in here I've grown up, because even the idea doesn't appeal any more. Reality sneaks into my dreams daily.

No picture in my mind, hence, I can no longer reel off a gigundo list of qualities, attributes, characteristics, and assets that my future husband MUST have in order to even have a chance at my hand. Used to be ol' boy would be oh, 6'5 1/2" tall (exactly), have a Ph.D or an M.D. in his field of choice, and have impeccable manners, and love his mama to distraction. Now, though, my criteria have been way simplified after I've lived a while and done some praying and contemplating and had some of those loonnnng discussions with people I trust over cups of na'na' late at night. He has to be able to answer these questions:

1) What is your understanding of God, the Qur'an, Salat, the prophets, and the hereafter?
2) How do you feel about children?
3) Describe your relationship with your family, especially your brothers, sisters, and mother.
4) What are your goals?
5) What do you see as your and my responsibilities as Muslims, spouses, and citizens?
6) How do you handle your financial responsibilities?

And before everyone and their wali jumps all over my case, should a brother actually be serious about his suit, I'm prepared to answer those questions as well as other similar ones.

What infuriates and disturbs me is that this whole practice and permissiveness of turning down potential mates based on their skin hue and nationality and other cultural stereotypes is on a real jahiliyah tip, one that Allah and his Prophet alayi salatu wa salaam warned us about... some people need to go read surat al Asr, for real! One of our halaqa leaders always (always) ends dua'a with that- and the reasons are evident. I guess because I've done my share of crushing on various people (and that's all I need to say about that, ain't it?) I know that men of all hues can be mentally and physically attractive. How dare ANYONE lump all of that spark potential into the thin little layers of epidermis and throw away what Allah has given us? It's just taking the easy way out to separate and categorize and stigmatize on skin and culture. It's a lot harder to say, hey, this brother has good adab, appears to all who know him to be trying to get some taqwa, let's look at him a little more, oh, and he's of a brighter/darker hue. No, that's getting too deep into this selection thing. Audhu billah.

Also, it annoys me that the colorstruck members of the American Black ummah, especially brothers, are the ones who are being pointed out in all of this. What is that supposed to mean? Is it supposed to bother me that men of my own hue will search outside of their native country for women with features unlike mine? Or perhaps I'm meant to feel (even more) inferior based on the choices of those who assign no value to me? I love Black men. I was raised by and with Black men. I am thus beloved of Black men. And that's all that means. It takes little away from me to have a Black man love a non-Black woman unless I make it so. I get to choose whether or not to drink the cup of haterade. If Allah has willed an African wife for an African American man, then great for him, and if He hasn't, then great, too. Our trials are assigned, designed, and tailored just for the individual. Don't let me stand in your way.

And too, it annoys me that people automatically assume that I will only accept a Black man for a husband. Sisters come back with, "Well, I don't know of any African American brothers who are single...", I guess immediately discounting other brothers. Why would that be? Anyone who knows even a little about me realizes that I'm very open-minded in my preferences. I am positively Black for myself, that's something that radiates in the air around me, but I can't say that it means everything around me must be Black! Come on, now. It comes back to being put into boxes again on a scale so grand it boggles the mind. If Allah has decided that the best mate for me is not of my hue, then I'd be an outlandishly crazy fool to turn Him down and hunt for what my dunyawi mind and nafs tells me I ought to want. Beyond that, I've been GIVEN criteria to search for what I SHOULD want, so why not let Him lead me to what will make everyone involved happy? Plus be pleasing to Allah? I don't understand how people don't get this.

Or, to put it into a simpler metaphor: I wanted a car. I Asked (made istikara) for a car (and a computer and a husband but let's stick to the car...). And then when people asked, I said I wanted a foreign, youngish, manual trans, dark colored car with just enough leg room. And as I was about to buy that style of car (using riba'a no less, may Allah forgive me) with about 110K miles on it, the deal fell through. And I was led instead to a light colored, domestic, 20 year old, huge car that I paid for cash.

It is impossible for me to be any happier with what I have. I am exstatic. I have a car! It's distinctive and it runs well and I avoided something I KNOW causes the displeasure of the One who loves me most. Good thing I wasn't blinded by all the hues of trouble I could've gotten into.

peace
TwennyTwo

What's with the fifth degree from Saudi? - and other questions

peace,

It's going to be a looooong weekend.
I'm riding down to my parents' birthplace with my Aunt C. inshaAllah. I actually don't anticipate drama. I think Allah is testing me with this one. I think patience and love will be key. I also plan to enjoy my time with my cousins, especially the one whose birthday is Monday. She's also the youngest and smartest and most sensitive of the bunch, and I miss her. The rest of the time I'll be reading or sleeping- I doubt Aunt C. would unbend enough for me to help them drive, and it's between 9 and 12 hours driving. Which means I'm headed out of here soon. Praying for mercy the entire way.

D. moved to Syracuse, to start his master's studies bootcamp for journalists. I'm definitely going to miss D's presence. I think what confused me so about him is the fact that he's a one in a million friend; one that makes me feel confident, smart, and safe at the same time. I finally figured out that while he's not my future husband, the one for me will have those same qualities times about a hundred and BE MUSLIM. So there. Question resolved. He's enjoying his time in bootcamp and I'm glad; that's something he's wanted to do for a very long time, and I'm glad he's happy with that choice. I also know that that's the end of an era, since I most likely won't be in DC by the time he finishes his studies.

Speaking of DC, yesterday I took my accent seminar students for a field trip to the Capitol and the House Gallery. I think the trip itself went pretty well; But I've got some serious questions. If the congresspeople and the Capitol are supposed to be freely accessible to the people, then why do you have to have separate passes to get to the House galleries, Senate galleries, and the Rotunda? Why do you have to have a Capitol staffer with you to see all three at the same time? One red-shirted guide nearly ticked me off by quite loudly explaining that I didn't have the right pass for the rotunda. I let my students see it anyway (this is MY government, too!), and they snapped photos before the red-shirt controlfreak used a walkie talkie to call a Capitol guard to escort us away. Humph.
And, oh, yeah, we got to see the vote on the bill to support education and decrease in student loan debt. Steve Chabot, I am severely disappointed in you! How dare you vote no on a bill that would help so many of your constituents in Cincinnati to excape from the burdens placed in front of higher ed in this country! One of only 5 who did so as well. I'll be writing a formal letter. So yeah, it was def cool to see my past and present representatives on the floor. When the vote was first called, the floor was empty. My students asked, "Is this it?" and wondered exactly how many people would get to vote... and then they started trickling in. I personally found it fun to see how they were dressed, who they talked to, and how they made the vote- they took these little cards and placed them into a slot, then pushed the button to make their choice; at the end they were asked if they wanted to change their vote, I guess to prevent mistakes. One rep was awesome- she wore a white jacket, black skirt, had her hair elaborately braded into a crown, and a long flowing red scarf over her shoulder. I remember thinking that'd be a killer hijab. It was a thrill to see John Conyers and Charlie Dingel as well as Ambassador Wilson, too. Very cool. I hadn't seen that scene since I left my lobby position my sophomore year.

And then I returned to the school to teach my night class. I met two very nice sisters named Samiya and Fatema, from Jubeid (sp?) in Saudi. They proceeded to ask me fiftyleven questions: Oh, you're Muslim? Where are you from? And your family? No, I mean, are your whole family Muslim? Do you speak Arabic? Oh, so that's what you know? How did you come to Islam?

That last one... geesh. I answer that question so much, yo, after the impromptu interview It was a bit much. But when I gave a general answer "Oh, I took shahada at college, when I was 18", she was all, "But, HOW?!".

Okay. Que rude. Luckily the bell rang and I went to teach my class. My student Ishmael had seen them crowd me in the lobby and said, "I know, they interviewed me, too." It's hilarious, but at the same time, makes me kinda mad. What's up with that?!

Anyhow, I'm off on a journey. Please make dua'a for my grandmother, and for me, and for my family. InshaAllah I'll talk to you all after I get back.

peace
TwennyTwo