Tuesday, June 23, 2009

What we already know, but can't say.

Yes. This is exactly it.

My starting line is much different. My struggle is just a bit deeper. My path has been uphill.

No, it's not too much. But it's there.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

'I want to play by my ownself'

Assalamu Alaikum,

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Subahallah wa bihamdihi, I enjoy and appreciate my job.

But the last couple weeks got a little hairy, let me tell you. And although the children can be (rarely) trying, no, it is most always an adult who is really working my nerves. I'm looking at you, morning-assistant-who-needs-instruction-as-much-as-any-student.

So, today was bliss. I got to work all by my lonesome.

If you're looking from the outside, it doesn't look like I did much. But for me it was INTEGRAL. My boss and several others have been making comments behind my back about my Achilles' heel: organization. Nevermind that they're pretty happy about how their children are treated and how they learn; nor that they won't bring themselves to say what they say behind my back to my face.

I'm far from the most organized person in the school.

I'm not denying that; I'm working on it. What's annoying is that a) I INHERITED a mess from the several teachers who worked before I did, since the last teacher was tossed out/ left precipitously (depending on who's telling the story) less than a month before I was hired. And she wasn't allowed back into the school to get her things. But that's not my story to tell. The annoying part about that is that I came into a mess and I'm good at tolerating mess and bad at organizing.
b) I TOLD my boss before he hired me that organization was my Achilles' heel. Famous last words.

So instead of listening to whining about the state of my room, today I got to spend time by myself, in my room, going through the files in the room, finding out what exactly is in there, throwing out old stuff. It felt good, to just DO what I needed to do without hearing the peanut gallery, you know? It reminded me of one of my favorite students, who loved to explain to me, "I just want to play by my ownself, Miss Two." Very matter of fact.

So that was good.

But then. Ah, then.

After chilling at the house of my wali, (good news), then praying maghrib-sunnah salah at the masjid (even better news there, which will also wait), I came home to the house, glad to see my parents after they took a trip south to see my aunts and grandfather.

Annnnnnd here is where I ask for dua'a, because JW is relapsing. He's losing it again. I won't go into details, but 2 minutes after I entered the house and my parents clued me in to what was going on, the phone rang...

...and it was the police.

Long story short, alhamdulillah JW is okay and not in custody or anything like that, but only because my parents kept him out. He's refusing to take his medicine. And I... I'm not despairing... but... to have the realization over and over again that this incredibly smart, bright, capable man, my little brother, is not right... hurts. It's bewhildering. Something you never in your wildest imagination think is possible, happens, and, yeah, it throws me for a loop.

... inshaAllah he'll be okay. He's talking about taking a gamble, moving to a city on the other side of the country, maxing out his credit cards, and just living there.

What do you say to that? It'd be fine, except that he isn't right in the head. This is not normal twenny-something stuff, this is insanity. I do not want JW to end up anything but happy, clean, healthy...

I dunno.

I need to go play by my ownself. I've already asked so many people to pray, to sincerely put this before Allah swt, and that was before tonight. I'm doing it still, because, wow. I thought work was pushing me... this is so much bigger. Only God knows what will happen, and only God can fix things ultimately.

I'm off to bed.



Sunday, June 14, 2009

Un poco perdida

Assalamu Alaikum,

I dunno, my soul feels hispanoparlante, so forgive me if you don't read Spanish.

Me encuentro un poco perdida. No, y más que un poco.

Pero, ¿porqué?

Primero, es que siento traicionada. No solamente por el hecho del casamiento del niño, sino porque, otra vez me encuentro aquí, al medio año, sin casarme y sin prospetos en el área de casamiento. Por más que trato de negarlo, de ignorarlo, eso duele, mano. Duele mucho.

Faltan 30 días para mi vigesimo-octavo cumpleaños.

Tambien me siento apresionada de una manera súbtil, lo que me trae hasta la locura. Cuando yo llegue a mi lugar de empleo, lo dije al jefe bien claro: no soy una mujer sumamente organizada. Limpia, sí; organizada, no. Pero por entonces se le ha occurido no menos que dos veces a la mes condenarme por no ser organizada.

Hasta que, ahora no es que no soy organizada sino que me encuentro evitando, escaseando organizar. Primero porque, no sé cómo hacerlo. Y segundo, una llega a resentir mucho los característicos mas comentados, siento que me han dado hasta que sangra sin decir nada y estoy llegando al grito.

Además, me encantan los lugares organizados. No hay nadie que dé cursos de organizacion en universidad, pero eso es exactamente lo que preciso.

En otros lados, estaba hablando con una amiga el otro dia, y mencionó que un matrimonio que ella conozca estan pasando por problemas. Hasta me hizo hacer duaá por ellos, porque yo si intimamente entiendo lo que estan pasando: la mujer pasará muchas problemas en parir, y por entonces el hombre quiere casarse con otra mujer (son musulmanes y no permanezcan aquí en los EEUU). A ella le dará mucho si él tuviera otra matrimonio a la véz, y tampoco quiere divorciarse; él no quiere pasarse de su derecho de tener hijos y no quiere perjudicarle el salud a su primera mujer.

Ayyyyy que caso. Fíjate.

Aprecio mucho que por lo menos mi amiga no mencionó los especificos de la situación, ya que entiendo lo doloroso pueda ser si salga quiénes son.

Lo veo de ambos lados. Me habían dicho alguna vez que no podrìa tener hijos. Imaginate, ser mujer negra, alta, Y¿ esteríl? ¡ NUNCA me casaría! Especialmente en ésta comunidad de musulmanes, tan enfocados en procreación. Estaba muy nerviosa hasta que resolvieron lo que me pasaba. Y, a mi me encantan los niños; siempre he dicho que me gustaría tener a lo menos cinco. (jajaja, y todas mis amigas hasta hoy me dicen... espere hasta que tienes el primero, aver...)
Por eso es que, aunque no soy muy celosa, he caminado en los pasos de la mujer en ese matrimonio, y hice duà que Alá subjanaju wa taàla le resolviera lo que paso entre ella y su esposo.

Tambien lo veo por el ról del esposo. Imagina que te enamoras con un hombre, y tenías posibilidad de casarse con otro a la vez, es decir, tener matrimonio polígamo. Como te casaste "por amor", y amas al primer hombre, no lo quieres dejar. Pero a la vez, quieres cinco hijos- o por lo menos, dos, si Dios quiere- y el amor de tu vida, tu primer hombre, esta planteado a frente del vìa. ¿Què harías? Aunque le dolía mucho a mi esposo, no puedo decir que decidiera a favor de no casarme con hombre que me diera hijo. Y como quiera nadie va salir ileso de la situacion. Tengo que orar por ambos.

¿Qué mas? Aún estoy de recuperación del choque del otro día. De verdad salió que el seguro de la mujer habìa vencido hace tiempo, lo que llevó la compañia a negarlo, y por entonces mis rates van a subir, thanks! Lo que me preocupa es que cuando me cotejaron el nivel de glucosa en mi sangre estaba sumamente alta, indicación nueva que el diabetes genetica de mi familia me caza de nuevo. Cosa es, que cada vez que paso por el examen de ayuno, mis nùmeros y niveles salen bajitos. No lo entiendo, pues hay mas duaá que hacer. Cosa buena que salio del dia pésimo que era mi mièrcoles: actuè como intèrprete por un hombre que estaba alla con su gerente (ambos trabajadores en una compañia de comida muy popular), y no solamente me dieron certificado para comida gratis, pero el doctor y la gerente de su oficina estaban tan impresionados, que me pidieron una tarjeta de informacion, ¡ para llamarme si es que me necesitan de nuevo! ¡Aljamdulilá!

Ahora, tengo que encontrar impresora.... pero finalmente, ¿no es un problema deseable?



Thursday, June 11, 2009

New Rules!

Assalamu Alaikum,

Yes, new rules, ala Bill Mahr, even though I haven't watched him in YEARS.

10: IF you are driving, you must pay attention to the road. There is no makeup exemption to this rule. This rule applies double during inclement weather.

9: If you hit someone, you must call the police. Failing to hit and run does not exempt you.

8: IF you do not have insurance, do not give an insurance information card that is 3 years old.

7: Your boyfriend cannot call the person YOU hit to intimidate them out of going to the doctor.

6: All people who are represented on household insurance must be spouses.

5: You may not call the person you hit and ask for their insurance information in order to pay the damages.

4: Yellow lights do not mean GO.

3: Never ASSUME anything.

2: Not having your wipers on is ILLEGAL in the rain.


Anyone want to guess what happened to me yesterday? Alhamdulillah I'm fine; have whiplash, but treatable. The Pimp Car (tm) is also fine, alhamdulillah. But it was a real waste of a Wednesday.


Saturday, June 06, 2009

It's almost done...

Assalamu Alaikum,

Wow, that's now two months this year that I've skipped posting.... my bad.

May began with a bang, and you know what? IT NEVER LET UP!

First, alhamdulillah, I ran the Conservopolis Half Marathon and FINISHED. My completion time was extremely slow, but faster than the 4:30:00 I originally projected on my entry form! Takbir!
I... man I was sore for like a week afterward, but I'm still high on the accomplishment, a month later. I have never been so unsure of finishing anything. Alhamdulillah, I did. Even after having 2 separate asthma attacks (doggone honeysuckle). Even after having to walk more and run less than I wanted.
My sister was a HUGE help. I was grumpy at the beginning of the race- A2, my assistant, ran with me for the first 2 miles, then peeled off ahead. But I knew I wasn't going to be able to go much faster than I did. (A2 actually finshed an hour before I did. Go A2!)

But man, when my sister popped out at that first mile, I had to laugh. She literally POPPED up; boing-ing up and down from the curb, screaming: "Yaayyyhooooo! THAT'S MY SISTER! HI SISTER!" and hugging me with a squeal. She then proceeded to pop up several times during the race, and she walked with me for a couple parts of it. You know, I wasn't going to tell my family that I was racing- and I still didn't tell my father until after I finished... and that's all I'm saying about that here...- but I don't think I'd've finished without my sister being there. Especially after that asthma attack at mile 6.

Oh man, and I saw a couple of people I hadn't seen in a while, including Miss Elizabeth, my old swim teacher! She was my teacher when I was tiny and unconfident, and she's such an inspiration to me. We share a birthday, which is also pretty cool. I'll have to tell you about her some time.

ANYway. So yes, I finished the half marathon. And then, I dunno, life got hard. Oh, yeah, I found out I have an ulcer or similar gastric-distress-causing issues with my stomach. That was not. fun. And I had strep twice in May- the second time after Baji had her baby...

... which was a boy! named Amin. So that's 3 boys for Baji and Baya. May all of them be righteous in the way of Allah, and a blessing to their parents and family, amin!

... which means that I have not actually met that baby yet. Boo hiss. And i was out of days by then, so I just took the prescription Baji had given me earlier (she's my doc) and trooped into work. And then? Then the ceiling fell in and I planned:

-1 Field Trip an hour away with 40 preschoolers
-1 Field DAY concurrent with a Graduation for same preschoolers
-3 booth games for the school fundraiser, which was today

All within 10 days. Because I am nuts and also because I don't like to look at calendars.

So please forgive me for not posting in May. I was a teeny bit busy.

In other news, Practimate is... hmph. Don't get me started. The lectures have re-started, mashaAllah, and I'm still thinking about asking for a refund for matching, since none of my matches seemed to be open to being matched to a Black woman. Go figure. Or don't. I'm not going to talk about that any longer. I am still recommending Practimate to single Muslims, but only for the mashaAllah-excellent lectures.
That reminds me, I wonder if Half Our Deen is up?

And yes, Sunny and Catty1 are getting married next weekend. BUT D, one of my bestest friends from childhood and beyond, is getting married 2 weeks after that. AND, I've registered for Fawakih, yay! And ISNA, yehoo! My summer is looking up. InshaAllah yours will as well...