I hate girls.

assalamu alaikum,

So, Native Deen had a concert here in Conservopolis. I've had several chances to see them in concert, and while the concerts are enjoyable, they don't like knock me out blow me over, or anything like that. More, things for introspections (like the slow songs 'Life Worth' and 'Zabaluni') or the MuslimPower-type songs ( M-U-S-L-I-M and Niyya). Don't quote me on the titles of those songs. I'm slightly ashamed to admit I"m something of a fair-weather fan, especially since I have no more CD player and an IPod is way out of my reach. They're good, clean fun. At the last MYNA camp I got to meet Br. Joshua. Dude is intense. I loved the music they made at the raps workshop though, so inshaAllah I'll be doing that this summer.

This particular concert was part of a MAS regional conference. I declare, my life is a regular social calendar these days. I don't go one weekend without doing something these days. You know you've arrived when you walk into a room and your name rings out of the hush. Alhamdulillah my students find something in me to love. I feel better, too Alhamdulillah. I guess I may really have to relocate in the next decade or so to an island. Someplace winter never goes.
Anyway. The music is so infectious that kids were dancing in the aisles. Quite a few of my little students were having a good time. Wiggling their little bodies. Grabbing hands with their friends and twirling in circles.

Then I saw four girls grab hands. Two of them let go. Pushed the last girl out and kept dancing and twirling. Wouldn't let her back in when she tried to grip into the circle.

They're all of four years old.

I hate girls, I really do sometimes.

peace
TwennyTwo

Roundup

assalamu alaikum,

Okay, so if you read my last post you might be wondering what I've been doing with all this time I have on my hands. Besides being a magnet for 3 to 5 year old muslims. Or being a naughty counselor and egging people into dangerous things:



(What you don't hear on the video is me saying to Nerd (my crush) and company, "You should do it! George of the Jungle. No, Tarzan! Go do Tarzan!" and then sitting and watching events unfold. I'm an oldest kid like that. You can totally hear me saying 'Wow', though.)

Yeah. I've been reading. Y'all should check this out:

I love PostSecret. And the Mother's Day secrets are tugging at me. They'll only be there until next Sunday, so this link goes quick...

Brother Umar Lee is bringing it as usual with a post on one sister's experience in Metro PD custody. (Metro referring to Washington, DC for those who never lived or went to college there). There's a local citizen's meeting on May 14th, so if you live in the urrea you may want to check his post for more info.

The debate is still going at UmmZaid's spot over the Philly Germantown masjid's decision not to hold janaza for a brother who killed a police officer after having robbed a bank.
Also, I've been fascinated by her search for decent, plain jilbabs. But that's just me.

A very belated Mabrook! goes to Nzingha on her newest son, Umar. You can read up on what's happened since he came here.

I can't believe I'm not hearing more about what's happening in Lebanon. But the 60th anniversary of a certain oppressive occupation is everywhere you look, astaghfirullah.

Like many, the hullaballoo over whether or not aid was getting into Myanmar was making me sick. Looks like things are going now, according to the BBC. And of course I was watching to see how folk did in North Carolina and Indiana. Can I dare to start rooting for a candidate yet?

Yup. Been occupied.

peace,
TwennyTwo

Where y'all at?

Assalamu Alaikum,

Okay, I'm getting bored with this whole blogging to the empty audience thing.
A while ago I was debating quitting my blog entirely. While I don't want to do that, I do need to change this up and make it interesting.

SO: Ask me a question. Any question. I'll answer them on the blog. I want to know what you want to know! This'll help spice things up and give me something to write about that isn't a complete ramble.

The other evening I was at a banquet with an Ambassador as speaker, and it was like a big awakening for me. And I realized that since I left college I've not had a lot of juicy conversation or deep things to think about. I need that. So, I'm opening the conversation. Get comfy and give me a good one. Or make me laugh. Up to you.

Here is the one caveat: I reserve the right to answer with 'No Comment' or a flip answer if a question is vulgar or otherwise not appropriate for my page, got me? That's not a cop-out, either, I'll get personal, even, up to a point. The point being haraam topics and/or my father would kill me. A girl has to live... now and hereafter.

Go ahead! GET me started....


peace
TwennyTwo

Oh. Get somebody else to do it. (warning, ramble ahead)

Assalamu ALaikum,

I want a teaching license. But not badly enough to go through the rigamarole it takes to get one. Apparently.

I'm so sick of the Universidad del Sagrado Heart. My problem is really that they're operating Portareeco style. I should be used to this, but I guess two years away from the island mean I'm again sensitive to and agitated by the way people use and abuse time there. See, I did many of my teaching credits there. In order to get a teaching license, I have to prove that I have a certain number of credits of a certain type in education (thanks a whole bunch, NCLB, you continual pain in my ...ahem. Anyway). Crazy thing is that I have the copies of the UPR transcript, and I have the copies of my Alma Mater transcripts. The people it's hardest for me to get hold of are of course the Sagrado Heart Registrar's office. It's like they take 3 hour lunches and leave 2 hours early. Now, I do exaggerate. By thirty minutes. Tops. Either way.

What that means for busy teacher me is that even though I KNOW USH has scheduled the ONE class I was told I needed for a FT teaching license in PR (and thus a FT teaching license here in midwestern state) and I KNOW they've scheduled it in TWO different summer sessions, and I KNOW that USH has dorms for super cheap during the summer, I haven't been able to CONFIRM that that's STILL the class I need to take. Because I can't get my transcripts out of the place. It drives me mad. I've called on my lunch break for four days straight, and even when I call before the posted noon lunch break hour I can't get through. Boo. Hiss. And they love to claim they're the premiere private university on the island. O-kay. They just can't prove it by me. Long story short, I'm 'bout to send one of my peoples over to the campus to wrangle with them face-to-face. If you can't beat'em, get your army to do it.

So I don't know whether I"ll be here for the summer or not. Even so, I went ahead and applied to the Fawakih program that's starting this summer in Indianapolis. It's an intensive, month-long program to learn Arabic. I've got to get ahead in that struggle, somehow. I've been taking the weekly (free!) basic grammar course as a part of our halqa, and I love that. And I'm very satisfied with the level of tajweed I'm learning with the help of a sister who isn't charging me a dime, may Allah reward her and bless her for her teaching and her forbearance with me.

I just want more. I'm thirsty for the language. I'm thirsty to learn things. And I want to go back to being a student- or I would if I didn't have to pay to do it. I think that's one of the worst things about academia. You have to pay to play, unless you've paid so much you feel it dripping from your veins. Then you go work to get out of hock. Unless you find a different way to do it.

And being a student is something I'm best at. Always have been. Yet again in the Two household we were having the conversation, "what do you want to do?" And in searching for the absolute truth, I said that I wanted to go back to school. I loved being in school. I knew I was on scholarship so I wasn't stressed about the cash it cost. I went to a foo-foo university and I believed (oh, did I ) that my degree from Alma Mater would mean super duper amounts of cash from a nice job when I left. Ha. (Liz, I feel your pain and I don't know what to tell you except that I've been there. Hang in, hon.)

Thing is, now I'm a 'responsible adult' ( or at least, I am when at work) and so I have to pay bills and going back to school for some Master's degree I don't really really want just makes zero sense. That's why I've been resisting (okay, passively. I"m still recovering) her insistence that I get the formal license. I hate education courses, they seem like bunk, and everything EVERYTHING I've learned that I HAD to learn about teaching I really learned from experience. I've had like 3 courses out of maybe 12 that actually taught me something I had to use in my classroom. What a waste. AlHamdulIllah it wasn't my money. I just can't see throwing away my money on more of the same. I need it to get to work. Anyone else see gas hitting $4.00/gal this year?

Speaking of which, I'ma just g'on 'head and be ungrateful because my raise this year? Will cover gas for two months in my car. I either need to get rid of the car or go somewhere to get paid more to do tutoring. Or find a better-paying side gig (and teaching on the side rocks just now). Because I need to get someone to clean my house. I can't do it. I don't have any more sick days. And I can't see letting it stay this way for the other 24 school days in the year. And my weekends? AlHamdulIllah, I'm booked solid for the entire next five weeks. Ha, and at one point I was lonely, imagine. So, since I know that others can do it better, I just need to find some cash and get somebody else to do it. I'm relaxing just thinking about it. Then everybody involved will be happy.


Speaking of gratitude, I need to be more outwardly grateful. See, that's what I mean. At one point you'd've caught me dead before I went a week without sending a thank-you note to someone who'd been especially generous, or considerate, or helpful to me. Now my cheeks burn in shame when I think of all the things people have done for me that I know I haven't properly acknowledged.

I have some amazing friends, y'all. Last week I went to counselor retreat for MYNA camps because I was 'sponsored' by one friend and driven by another; the hour I came back Samina S. opened her home to me on literally 3 minutes notice and gave me clothes to wear; when I went to a banquet that night I really enjoyed the fabulous speakers and dinner and didn't have to pay- and they ended up not needing my volunteer services for which I dined. May Allah bless every single person who has been so gracious to me, I couldn't be working and feeling at least this good without them.

I didn't say that all the house-cleaning I mentioned above needs to be done in order to accomodate JW again. He's back home after being released early from his university. We still don't know if he's been withdrawn or on probation. ALlahu Alim. Please make dua'a for that whole situation.
Since JW hasn't really been at home, I'd closed up the back (drafty) bedroom my sister and I used to share, since it gets freezing cold in the winter, and just used his. So my stuff is all over his room. Now I don't know when I'll stop and get it all up. Because then I couldn't have four blog posts this month, you see. And I feel terrible now because he's home and I'm all sleeping in his room and don't want to go back to mine.

That's it! I'm getting somebody else to do it. THat's the responsible action, after all. Let someone else clean up after me.

Somehow that's not as satisfying in print as it would be in real life, and that means I've made a compromise somewhere. I'll end up doing the cleaning myself, just as I'll end up suffering through every minute of the teaching classes I (hope I don't really) need for a license. I'll grit my teeth and sweettalk the portareecan crew and use the PR version of wasta for everything else. I'll be frustrated and still single and get it all done. But boy wouldn't it be nice to get somebody else to do it for me.



peace

TwennyTwo

Open. Your. Eyes.

Assalamu Alaikum,

Oh, man. Yesterday I needed someone to hold me back. I won't say what I did in the privacy of the teacher's lounge, because, well, it doesn't sound very nice. I hit a limit of fury yesterday. It's not good to feel that outdone at your place of employment.

Remember, I've said so many times that it's never the child who causes me problems. It's usually adults who won't act right.

Long story short, there's a female parent of a child who is causing problems because she's kicking up a fuss about her child.

Now, this is, at the root, what every parent wants to do. You all want your child to do well and you'll do what it takes to make that happen. You'll talk to the teachers and ask for extra work. You'll have him do that work, with a lot of help from you, under your very careful and watchful eye. You'll teach your child in the way of Allah. You'll help the child against herself when she needs it.

If this were that and only that, I could fully understand and bring the fullness of my patience to the situation. But it isn't. It's about this woman's refusal to see what her child does and how the child affects others. Like telling me you've enrolled your child in a pretty tough extra-curricular class and then telling me that you know your child, of course your child doesn't hit others. And of course, I should have a gentle and special way to have this child follow instructions, unlike the other children who obey me the first or even the second time I tell them something. Right. Just explain to me how out of 38 children how your child is the only one who is having accidents and being injured so, if your child never disobeys her teachers or hits and taunts the rougher kids until they snap. You seek that information, but when I tell you you don't see. Open your eyes!

I think another thing that bothers me is that there's another mother and another child who DO deserve help and the best of our resources, and I'm missing how both of these situations are being treated equally. And I'm sad that it probably means that neither of the children will be at our school next year. *sigh*. At least I'm not worried I won't be at the school next year.
I'm really sad for the first child I mentioned, because this child is so manipulative and sneaky that the child needs the boundaries that we provide. Really. Child A does so much better when we're firm but loving, that mother's insistence on being gentle and solicitous with this one child drives me wild- that isn't actually what will serve her child best, in my professional opinion. Anyway.

Yesterday we had about a half-hour meeting, and after that, I was through. I'm done. There are 26 school days left this year and I'm just going to work toward getting through all of them well, with smiling kids at the end. I'm also going to have to keep this child separated from certain others. Fine. You'll pay me to do that, it'll get done. And then I hope you go to another school, because that's the only way you'll learn exactly how your child is, and you'll learn to open your eyes.

And that's all I want to say about that.

In other news, I have no idea what I'm doing this summer, and May begins... tomorrow! My Master's application for the University of Conservopolis is due, um, tomorrow. Ask me if I've begun. No, don't. And gasoline is up to $3.65 a gallon here. A friend invited me to stay at her house five minutes from work, and at first I refused, until she made me accept (anyone else have Egyptian friends? I love her so much mashaAllah!), and then when I came out and saw how high gas was I was glad she beat me into it!

And... I think my last crush is off the potential marriage list. We'll see. He's going to Jordan for a year to learn Arabic starting this fall. I still think he's an awesome guy, but at the same time, this past weekend someone made me realize that um, I'm not unique in thinking that. His family is very well known, which I think is a big factor in that. And I want someone who wants me for me, not looking for an ideal social match. Not that he's said that or anything.

Off to work... make dua'a for me!

peace
TwennyTwo

Go, read, quick. Go!

Assalamu Alaikum,

Oh my goodness. Go read Liz at Muppie Chronicles. Awesome-a-licious.
Not because I agree with her (but man do I), but because what she writes has such a fresh tingle. Girlfriend is hitting nails left and right- for example:

I’m just saying that when it comes to domestic bliss, in all respects, and thank you for not making me spell that out, a lot more comes into play than a pretty face. I mean, we’re talking roommate for life, God willing. Not only is this person going to share your kitchen, and your bathroom, and bicker with you over window dressings, but you have to share a bedroom, too. And a bed. And the covers. And trust me, you’re not going to care how hot she is if she won’t give you the blanket in January. Trust me. If you’re going to have no refuge from someone, have no refuge from an interesting someone. From a nice someone. From a merciful and loving and patient and kind someone. No refuge from a hot someone gets old pretty quick, if that’s his/her crowning virtue.

Go, read her, I've already added her blog to my list. And now Ima go drown in archives. MashaAllah!

peace
TwennyTwo

Wants

assalamu alaikum,

I've been lost. I'm trekking my way back. Thanks for reading, really.

****

I tutor several students, off and on, at the middle school and high school levels. Incidentally, they're all boys- not sure why. That's probably just how the community is around here. I don't know nearly as many teenaged girls as I do boys here in Conservopolis. Girls, where are you?
irrelevant.

What I was going to say is that I've had all of these students go through an exercise to build their own goals. It's simple, really: you have someone ask, over and over again, "What do you want?" and write down EVERY answer. Then go through and weed out the things of the moment from the true goals.

Alhamdulillah, one student replied, "I want to go to Jennah alFirdous, inshaAllah, and be in the shade of Allah and the company of the Prophet on the last day." No kidding. A fourteen-year-old told me that (he wasn't trying to impress me).

And then I kept asking.
You want that? What else? What do you want along the way? When do you want it? How do you want it? How do you want to gain the pleasure of Allah (swt) inshaAllah?

All of the boys do this. Then I make them tape up their goals on a wall or mirror they'll see daily. And put dates on them (well, all but the goals like the one above. That one isn't one I hope to be able to put a time and date on). ANd then review them weekly and monthly and see them daily and determine not only what it is that they want from this life, but to see that they're the ones who determine how this gift of life is spent. Parents do a lot, but they have only so much to work with. Allah has granted us life. We've got to use it.

And yet I've gotten away from that myself.

How often is it that the teacher loses sight of the student for the knowledge? Today I went through and re-made my own goals.

It was humbling and amazing to see how I'm holding myself back from taking advantage. It's scary. *sigh*.

peace
TwennyTwo

Reflections

assalamu alaikum,

Yes, so I'm averaging about two posts a month this year. How far I've come. I'm writing through a splitting headache just now- otherwise I won't get a chance for a while. I've been "thinking" my posts for weeks now. By the time I get to sit down, they're all forgotten. Maybe I should go back to good'ol paper journaling for good. On the other hand, what I like about blogging is the ability to share, and get feedback on the thoughts I actually publish. I'm thinking about moving to wordpress, but only if and when I have time to actually do stuff with the blog and not just neglect it for weeks at a time. I dunno. We'll see.

The school was on spring break last week. I'd made a whole bunch of plans for what I'd do. Puh-leeze. I slept the first 6 days, ran around running errands on the seventh, and then on the last three went to St. Louis for the MSA Central Zone conference. The conference was good, but sparsely attended- even the campus where we were was on spring break, and half of the students who'd registered and paid to attend didn't show. I guess they were on break, too.

I enjoyed the trip. St. Louis was a nice city, not that I got to see much of it. I became really good friends with the women who went with us. I went with the University of Conservopolis MSA- and you know how they roll, girls in one car, guys in the other. So it was good to relax and just talk, read, and eat, learn about and from one another. More than half of us ended up, um, not praying during the trip. I don't know what that was about. But anyway, I genuinely liked every single one of the women with us, and that was a treat.

I'm up in the air on whether or not that was my last MSA trip. I'll have been out of undergrad five years (yikes!) this May. On one hand, I do feel, just a bit, that I should have outgrown the group. But on the other hand, I haven't. Maybe I'm attracted to groups that have either mature or even just likeable people. I'll go anywhere I can to learn a little more about Islam, add to the pieces of understanding and truth I've picked up since my shahada.

Too, we're Muslims, and that seemed to come first at this particular C-Zone conference.. East Zone conferences I've attended in the past have definitely had a bit of that "ISNA Saturday Night" feeling, and I was able to just gravitate toward the actual learning portions of the conference. EZ definitely was more meat market, more "foo foo", appearance based, and um... young, as in immature. There were way more people there, too.
This conference really didn't have much of that. The people there seemed for the most part to be actually focused on living as Muslims, day in and day out, in our communities and in this country. The speakers were all actual imams, sheikhs, learned individuals. I'm trying to think if even one was a woman... I don't think any of the main speakers were female. Not that that bothers me. I'm just sayin'.

As an MSA conference, of course there were like 4 main areas under which all of the lectures and breakout sessions seemed to fall: How to Live Like a Muslim, Bringing Islam to American Communities, The Cultural Gap Between Backhomelandia (ht to Umm Zaid)and the USA, and, ever-present, Gettin' Hitched and Otherwise Keepin it Halal Around The Other Gender.

Oh, which reminds me what I wanted to say about that.

I forget that I'm a convert sometimes. When I'm allowed to. When it's just me and my rug and my Lord. When I'm going about my business. When I'm living a life carefully groomed toward ever more taqwa and ibadah (worship) inshaAllah. That aspect of my Islam is not one I've decided to keep on the outside as part of my identity. I'm Muslim. It's annoying sometimes to go through the 20 questions with every Muslim I meet and after I answer, "My parents are from Alabama", I get the, Oh, MashaAllah, A Convert How and Why Did/Do You Do It? speech. (Not sure why I'm capitalizing everything in sight. Bear with me.)

However, because I am a convert, there are certain things that I see that are particular to being a new Muslim especially in the US. My feeling is that while converts may be a small portion of the world's Muslims, we're a big fount of increase in Muslim numbers. We're not an ignorable minority, because many converts still have social currency in the sections of society they belonged to before Islam. Which means, if a convert radiates contentment and joy even during the hard times after conversion, then there's more opportunity for more dawah as people who know this person see that in them. On the other hand, all of us have heard of the convert who was truly a convert but was disillusioned in Islam and turned away, complaining bitterly to the people to whom they've returned. If nothing else, attention needs to be paid to this group, just little touches that make converts feel able to integrate smoothly from where they are to the Muslims Allah wants them to be. That sounds idealistic, but that's how I feel.

And yet, especially when it comes to things like MSA conferences, aspects that would especially apply to converts are repeatedly ignored. And when they're brought up, they're brushed off or treated as side notes. It's frustrating. The particular thread that comes to mind is (of course) one of the breakout sessions that was about marriage and how to actually approach the other person blah blah blah. I hope y'all get the gist. Just as last year, I brought up the question of what the speakers (fortunately great speakers and pretty knowlegeable, I thought) would tell a convert or even a student from a not-so-practising Muslim family whose parents aren't able or don't want to help him/her get married. And the silence was big. It was as if these guys hadn't even ever considered the possibility that that could even happen.

Of course, they answered the question. The response was (I wish I had my notes with me) something like, 'they should ask friends or someone they can trust, or even get their parents to help them. Their parents should want to help them since they love them. Since yes, mashaAllah there's an ever larger number of people coming to Islam through our college campuses we should be open to this possibility."

Sigh. Discuss. I've gotta go. InshaAllah when I get back to the computer I'll talk more about that--- and the fact that the man I've had my eye on was on this trip. Heh Heh Heh. Yay cliffhangers!

peace
TwennyTwo

Something's up.

assalamu alaikum,

Okay, if you were around here yesterday, please excuse that. If you weren't, don't worry about it.

I woke up at 5:00 this morning feeling wonderful. No, really. I wish I could describe the euphoria I still feel now. It's amazing. I feel good! My body feels good.

I spent a few moments in my bed telling myself that it's okay to feel good. That what has gone on the past few months (!) has been a really rough patch.

I'm glad to feel good. You have no idea. But now I know for sure that something is up.

Don't worry. I don't know what it is. But to go from leaking tears all over the place gloomy fog can't make it through the day without a tantrum to waking up at what should feel like 4am (happy daylight saving to you, too) feeling ecstatic with life requires an explanation.

Day ain't over, as my father loves to say. We'll see what the day brings. Meanwhile I'm glad to be happy.

peace
TwennyTwo

Wa tawasil bis Sabr, aaameeen

peace,

One of my tutees (what is the word for that? And how come I don't know as a tutor? mercy. Anyway) just taught me Surat al Asr. Being the teacher I am I immediately taught it to my preschool (those who didn't know it). And I'd been upset because his family asked me for half my usual rate- but look what I got in return! I've been wanting to learn for so long now that I'll take what I can when I can and then spread the love. And boy has that particular reminding surah come in handy lately.

That's a great lesson in patience for me. Things have been more or less worked out here at the school. My assistant won't be with me next year, it looks like- she'll be in a room with a teacher she likes who will teach her new things. That's good. I'm glad she got at least something she wanted. I wish I didn't perceive this sour attitude from her about it. She doesn't like my teaching style at all. *sigh*. I'm trying to be good so I won't say anything else about it. I've decided to return to portareeco this summer if only to finish the education program and get my Conservopolis State teaching license so people can't jerk me around like this.

Meanwhile, my brother is off his meds again. It's a real catch-22. If he's at school, he's less likely to take the meds, always stressed, around the wrong influences, and more likely to have a mental break. If he's not in school at least half-time, my parents' insurance won't cover him, so he won't have the meds to take, even though he won't be in an environment so conducive to mental breaks. He needs the insurance. The bills for his hospital stay were nearly forty thousand dollars. So he needs to be in school (or get a job, yeah right). But school is what stressed him in the first place. Sabr. Prayer. Patience. Yeah.

I voted today! Independent, of course. So booyah, primary hype! I didn't vote for a candidate at all!

I've got the spectre of a surprise inspection hanging over me. Gotta go do lesson plans.

peace
TwennyTwo

girl that i was

peace,

Sometime last month, I should've noted, was my fourth year blogging. Alhamdulillah.

I just went back and read some of those early posts.

Wow.

What I didn't know. About Islam. About the world. About what I'd learn and who I'd meet.

Anyway, thanks for hanging around.

peace,
TwennyTwo

I don't even know what to call this

assalamu alaikum,

Been a while, huh?

I hope everyone is doing well.

I want to be upbeat, but really, I'm out of sorts.

As positive as I was about staying at the school where I'm currently working, events of the past week have made me seriously reconsider. I think what I'm going to do is find out which classes I'm missing for licensure in this state, and then see if I can take them this summer.
I hate job hunting like fire, second only to moving (and they're really different forms of the same thing), but I'll do and have done both. If I have a teaching license I can work in public school (= much more pay and an environment that, while not islamic, is one I'm used to) or I can stay at the Islamic school but with much more leverage. Because, get this, the admin offered my assistant the lead teacher position last week- the same week they'd both ticked me off royally and then told me that I'd be moving to the upper school next year. While I wasn't thrilled, I was much less sanguine when I heard from my assistant that they'd rescinded the offer because there're no places in the upper school for me to go- a teacher who said she'd move isn't doing so. Great. Aside from the pettier stuff that upset me in the first place, now you're jerking people's positions around publicly. I say, just sit on that stuff until you have contracts up (or not). Argh.

Or, get this suggestion from my mother this morning, I could return to la isla this summer and take the few courses I needed in order to finish a certification or master's degree there. Plus, I mean, summer in portareeco! Sounds like a vacation I could definitely use. I miss my friends and the warmth of that place deeply.

I'll have to figure it out financially, but I should just about be able to swing it. I'm tutoring after school and on weekends now, with children much older than my daily preschool set. I get to work with older students, they get to learn and review what they need for school, and apparently what I charge is a bargain. Works for everyone. Excellent.

My classes had their field trip yesterday, mashaAllah! They had a great time. I think I want to go again- around 6 kids didn't go, and all of the adults agreed that we needed more time there. I took one child who is three handfuls, and while i was dealing with her, one of the others in my group wandered off- twice. The first time I nearly had a heart attack thinking of him and where he was and what I'd tell his mom- and as soon as i reported him missing to the booth, he turned up. Whew! They did have a great time, and that's what counts. I'm sorry I didn't get them to do it earlier.

When, inshaAllah, I run this half-marathon in May, I'll be very undertrained, so much so that I'm already making dua'a just to finish. I'll finish no matter how long it takes me. Things keep popping up, serious stuff that stresses me out and pushes me off-schedule. I really really really want to do this, though. So I may start undertrained and just pray through. I don't want to be in too much pain afterward, though,but I mean... when I was running and training in the full of summer before I had no issues. I just need to get up to a high number of miles in training again.

D called me the other day. He wanted to let me know about the invite he recieved to Rabbit and Bay's wedding. I think he was also fishing to know if I got one. I didn't. I don't know how I feel about that except that I'm still thinking about it, which can't be good. The phone call, and the non-invite. *sigh*. That call was the first time D called me since I left DC. He generally doesn't call me unless something's bothering him (ha- and I thought I wasn't a good listener) or something's going on with our old college crew, Rabbit and Bay included. I said a while ago that the biggest problem with D is that he isn't Muslim, and I mean that, so while I was happy to hear from him... I was almost ambivalent, too. Allahu Alim. I'ont need to be talkin to no mens anyhow. I'm still making dua'a on marriage.

Hee hee hee. Oh man. That reminds me. I went to a seminar/lecture/talk tonight about managing finances islamically. While it was good, it was more about generally how to manage finances, and less about where to actually put your money now that you know what's halal and what's haraam about investing and owning(NOT saving!) especially here in the western part of the world. InshaAllah they're going to have a whole series on this stuff, so my questions'll be answered then.

Yeah, so my crush was there tonight. TOTALLY wasn't expecting that one. I hope I wasn't rude, I tend to be very cool in public to keep my blushes under control. I should've known there was a huge chance he'd be there, his family's big in the particular masjid where the lecture was being held- he's related to the speaker, in fact. But I haven't thought about him in a while. Sooo glad I'm not pale, SubhanAllah, I'd've been tomato red, ya'll. I straight asked his sister if he's 'looking' and found out that he kind of is but not really, since he's thinking about going to the ME soon. Some of y'all may know him so I won't get into it, but. Hmm. Maybe that's my sign to be looking elsewhere.

Anyway. Got that off my chest. Happy March- inshaAllah I'll write again before the end of the month!

peace
TwennyTwo

Off again

assalamu alaikum,

I had the most horrifying, terrifying, distressing conversation with my brother JW yesterday.

Apparently he is off his meds. And suicidal. And extremely depressed.

Please pray. For his sanity and health. For mine. For my entire family.

It's extremely stressful to know that I feel behind and inadequate at work and to be the one my brother wants to help 'prop' him mentally.
Yesterday was a great day of tutoring for me- until I was talking to JW at one point on my cell phone while driving (which I detest doing- driving on the cell, I mean) the most narrow hair-raisingly constructed highway in the region in the huge Pimp Car (tm) hearing him tell me, after I told him quite forcefully that suicide is not an option and we'll help him work this out, "I wasn't actually asking for permission."

Okay, so what were you doing, giving me notice?!

My response:
"Good, because you aren't getting it!"

Just, please, pray. I need a mental health day and I don't have one. I need reinforcement. Dua'a requested.

peace
TwennyTwo

Here

Assalamu alaikum,

Man, the past week has been a big one. Tornadoes and sugar plant explosions in the south. I came to work and the first thing one of my co-workers mentioned after good-morning was that 49 people had died in the storms. She was clearly shaken- until that point, I'd had no idea. Plus the primaries are making people nuts. Duas, always dua'a.

I'm feeling better and trying to make the weekend as uneventful as possible. InshaAllah I'm getting away from the negativity, even if it makes for less writing. I'm fighting the isolation I've been able to marinate in since moving to Conservopolis. It's wierd how into things you are just by living in the DC Metro area, and being away from it is kind of numbing. I just have to be more proactive about information than I did there.

While at halaqa (tuesday, not sunday) I completely went off into a tangent with Samina, asked her the story of how she and her husband met. Those are like my fairy tales, you know? I love to hear those stories. They give me hope. InshaAllah, one day. But she's also got me convinced (again) that I actually could do med school and then when I came out get rid of the debt. To tell you the truth, it's always the money in a situation that worries me, especially when I'm thinking about going back to school. But I really want either the nurse-midwifery or a medical degree. And Samina said that the people who seemed to do best were those who were married (humph) with kids (eg had a family- that I do have, even if my father will have thirty kinds of fits when I say, hey I want to go to med school. don't get me started.) Once I start, I won't let myself stop... inshaAllah. All things come from God.

Man, and we're reading the best book I've ever seen re:Qur'an in English for that same halaqa. It's called An Introduction to the Sciences of the Qur'aan, by Abu Ammaar Yasir Qadhi. I'm sure part of it is that since I've started going to this halaqa the whole subject has become even more interesting, but this book is also just well-written. I've not felt this excited about tafsir related anything since I almost bought Maarif ulQur'an after East Zone last year. Still debating that one.

Turns out I won't be able to go to MSA East Zone this year, which stinks. Elle is really upset, and I was looking forward to seeing everyone and getting into some fun with them. I also wanted to see Taraal since apparently he and Elle have gotten to the whole parent-meeting stage of not-quite-courtship. Super exciting that I was there when they met! SubhanAllah.

So yeah, everything is everything. I hope the same is for you.

peace
Twenny

There's assistance and then there's that.

Assalamu alaikum,

Yes, I'm blogging in front of the Super Bowl. I'm on my sister's computer and she's TiVo'd it, so we re-watch the good commercials and kinda zone out on the rest. I'm taking the opportunity to do some blogging. So what?

Besides, the Patriots always win, it's nearly as sickening as those Yankees a couple years ago.

I had a really interesting conversation with "my assistant", the other teacher in my room half a day. I've had some real issues with her attitude, not least because I was given to understand that she was there in part so that I could rely on her greater experience in the early childhood education arena.

Because, while I do believe (alhamdulIllah) I'm capable of teaching children this young, there are things about teaching them that I just don't know, not having experience nor training in ECE and not having had children this age myself. And then when I came, and asked for her help in certain things, I got a lot of pushback from her, outright... insolence, I guess.

What really chapped my buns was that ultimately, I feel that the kids in the room are the ones who pay with an inferior level of education. Then, she was transferred to KG for half a day in the afternoon. While that brought relief on the one hand (no one judging me in my own classroom, refusing to take initiative yet making suggestions after the fact as to how I'm doing things incorrectly), it also upset me that she felt better in the KG room without at least trying to express any problems she had outright. I do NOT tolerate gossipping in the workplace, so I kept that to my family and confidants, but that whole situation wasn't (and isn't , but we've cleared the air... I'm getting there) helping my mental status.

Then I picked up some guts and finally just asked her to work with the older kids in group time with their literacy. I've been trying to do that, especially as some of the older ones can read and need more instruction. I pulled them out 3 times a week, but I know that she had done that sort of thing before. She let me know something that shocked me and made me understand her attitude: she makes less than $16,000 a year. And she does so simply because she doesn't have a bachelor's degree. SHe works the same hours I do, has 5 years of experience in pre-school, but is making less than half what starting teachers are offered.

No wonder.

So, I let her know that I needed her expertise. And further, the kids needed it. I understood, finally, why she had acted the way she did, but I'd gladly take on some things that she had been doing, if she'd apply her great innovative ideas to the older reading group. I said that I needed to be able to watch her, because while it was inspiring to hear her say that they needed to do more manipulative activities and less paperwork, being that all my experience and training is with adults and children at least 9 years old, the ideas are slow coming and hard to put into place. And I told her that I absolutely agree that her pay level is unjust.

It's getting better. I hope. I mean, I still sense that attitude and am much quicker to come out of my mouth and ask her if she's angry about something, but she's working with the kids, and has sent a letter to the parents saying as much, and I'm looking at what she does and learning from her activity. *sigh*.

It makes me realize a couple of things, one being that although I am competent to look after and teach pre-schoolers, it's not where I'm most involved and passionate. That's in part why I've taken so many tutoring spots; it cuts my time, but I LOVE teaching students that age, really showing my passion for learning. Plus, it's easier to help them fully understand what their teachers set them, stretch their minds, and think beyond where they are.
Pre-school- that's possible, especially when we can go outdoors and explore, or plant seeds, or just wonder at the creation of Allah, but it's a whole lot harder for me to wrap my head around indoors. And I have no- ZERO- prep time scheduled into my day, which I finally understand is just flat unfair. Bad enough I'm just now getting to pray dhuhr thanks to an awesome sister who's student-teaching and watches my people for 10 minutes. She's been a godsend, really. Worse that I see that creative materials are needed and that I have to create them- or have time to tell someone else how to create them- and I have to do that on my own scant time. The only non-scheduled time I have during the school day is lunch, for 45 minutes. I'm still training for the marathon and I don't want to give it up for less than life-changing reasons. I tutor and I go to halaqas, I go to the gym and then I go home- when I deviate from that I do things like nearly break my wrist and then have sucky weeks.

Something has to give, and until now the kids haven't been getting the education that I know they could get. I don't think that their education is inadequate, nor is their care. But I've always been one to want to be the absolute best at what I do. To not do so for whatever reason just bothers the mess out of me. It's probably half of my issues now.

Man, where did my positive blog posts go?

Anyway.

peace

Therapeutic.

assalamu alaikum,


I've come to just accept the fact that I need to be seeing a therapist- or at least someone I can talk to about various issues etc who has to keep them confidential and can help me identify hitches in my thinking and self-control. Yes, that would be a therapist. I asked my halaqa leader today if he knew of some and he said he'd forward the numbers to me.

When I left DC, I knew that being in Conservopolis would help me solve a lot of my financial issues, those related to the cost of living. I thought that I'd be able to put more of my cash toward bringing down my credit debt, and I was right about that. But certain things are causing me distress, and I don't know how to fix them. I see a repeating pattern that isn't cool. Typical example? Aversion to outward organization. I hate. i. mean. utterly. detest. creating lesson plans- which is a problem seeing as how I earn my living as a teacher. I don't like any sort of paperwork at all. What I live for and thrive on is the actual teaching, the more individualized work.

That plus the feeling of being ill at ease and slightly ill for months now, means that something is up.

Worst is that I don't feel comfortable telling that to my family. We've got enough issues as it is. I just don't have the fortitude to tell my mother, for example, that I think I'm totally depresed, that I don't feel I have the time or inclination to do the things required to do my job well. Keep in mind that naturally my family draws a lot of parallels between me and JW. He just came out of the hospital and is fighting taking his meds still. I know something is not right, and I do talk the day-to-day things out with my mother, which is an absolute lifesaver, but I'm just reluctant to tell her that I think I'm slipping and may need more. She told me today that she's recovering, that she feels better, after years of dealing with various illnesses, her own and my grandmother's. I don't want to pull her down now- she's my rock and my lifeboat and it's good to finally see her feeling well.

When it got really bad in portareeco, I went to see the severely overloaded shrink at the teacher's hospital. I just knew that the thoughts I was thinking were a little out of the bounds, that everything was getting messier and a little less sane daily, that I was way stressed. The shrink told me I'd be okay. She gave me pills. I didn't want to take them but when I did, I declare they saved my life. They were samples, and I don't know that she entered all of that into my medical file, but by the time they ran out I was on summer break, a little more able to deal, only working one job, and (though I didn't know it yet) very close to returning to the mainland, which I thought would help. It did, and it didn't, because though being near the ones who understand me best is crucial, it isn't the ultimate fix. I don't know what is. I do know I have to get out of my head.

This blog started as an experiment, on a dare from Sherry, who I don't think even blogs anymore. Come to think of it, she pulled me through when I was going through major blues even in college. She and Anita. Anyway, the point I was going to make is that it quickly became therapeutic. When I was physically isolated from the familiar, I had my friends inside the computer to pull me through. I still had horizons to explore. It helped to just talk stuff out, even if it was inside the computer. No matter how cautious you are and how stiff the boundary with those you don't know, caring comes through. It was very necessary to speak up, let my 'self' be free, examine myself and what's going on and yeah, get to know other people and care for them too. I sometimes felt- and feel- that what keeps me hanging on is knowing that someone out there really truly needs me, cares for me, wants to see me every day. Hmm.

No matter where, when I start shutting down, going inside my head, and talking noticeably less, something is up. I'm working on getting it together. And getting it out a bit more. Of course I'm making dua'a. And asking for more, because of course this is when my level of iman is ebbing. It suffers.

peace

TwennyTwo

I'm supposed to be getting the Pimp Car (tm) fixed.

assalamu alaikum,

And I will get it fixed. Before y'all jump on me for calling it anything associated with a noun traditionally meaning someone/a trade that oppresses women, just stop. Go google 1987 Chevrolet Caprice. Then come back and tell me I'm wrong.

But one night of sleep later and I'm still thinking of something that's been bothering me; mainly that I'm languishing in a world of women. See the comment above. I'd never have made it two years ago. You gotta problem with me calling it a pimp car? Aiight, sounds like your problem.

This is a personal problem. I tried to go over it with someone else here and it fell flat. My mother understands how I feel though. I think I've tried to go over it before; I didn't know that this feeling would follow me.

I don't really like women all that much.

No, that's not true.

I like women a lot, can chill and work with other women just fine. I need to say, gratefully, that I have been welcomed with assistance and open arms and open doors just about everywhere in the Ummacommunity here in Conservopolis. I just don't function at my peak, or do well emotionally, being around all women, all the time. Yes. That's it. This 24-hour women station is getting on my nerves. When I was in DC working as an interpreter/admin, the same thing got to me. I was living with two women (who later developed their own drama), TheGreatestBossEver (man) had left, leaving me in a place where 5 women and 1 man worked regularly. The man was the finance guy, so I didn't have much to do with him, but sometimes his presence did mitigate things. And one of the women took an active dislike to me but I digress. Even without the drama that woman caused I felt like I was gonna strangle one of these CHICKS. Eccccchhhh.

Then I got the job at Grocery Store, where the manager was Lisette, and she has another female trainee working her way to the top, but many of the others were guys. That worked well. I felt like I could let off some steam and be my straight-shooting self without having to worry about emotions and cattiness and moodiness all the time. A lot of the guys were teenagers so I got to be big sister all over again, in work-mode of course. And truthfully, my last set of roomies was the best because... they weren't very socially girly. We weren't all mushy and dramatic- one had her engagement break off and didn't engage in the hysterics and I felt able to help her through it without drowning in it.

Because my job was so public, there was never anything inappropriate but I felt/feel at ease in the um relaxed? way that men interact. I don't know why girls hit puberty and do all sorts of tension-causing things. But I do think I know why I was miserable almost all of my seventh-grade year when it came to friends. I was trying to fit in with the girls. I quit that mess and was happy through senior year... when I had to work with a bunch of girls again. I was good in college (athlete in a sport pretty much dominated by men with a strong women's team, then mentored by male student leaders who were years older than I) until I started trying to be more "halal in my interactions" and join sororities and stuff. Hmm. I think I'm seeing a pattern.

So I moved to Conservopolis, and that was a blessing from Allah all wrapped up in a bow. Alhamdulillah! No qualifications. I came here, I have a place to stay with my family and I see my sibs all the time, I feel like the pimp car was, again, wrapped up and presented to me (and has had NO problems until the other day when the wipers shut off as I was heading down a major highway at 9PM in a rainstorm at about 70MPH... yeah that was an iman-building moment), I have a couple jobs where I'm surrounded by Muslims. And by the end of any given day my teeth are on edge. Too many women? Not enough men? I'm thinking it's one of the two. To be truthful, it's leavened by the fact that all of my tutoring gigs involve my teaching boys.

So I was face-up on my bed trying to make sense of this, and my moms came to speak to me (one of the truly marvelous things about living in Conservopolis. Random Mama Access when I need it. AlHamdulillah), and as she was leaving I think I asked her did I always tend to get sort of depressed around girls. Or something like that. She paused at the doorjamb and told me, "I've been thinking about that. You know, I realize that Islam has some aspects that are good for you. And you need them. So that's good that you're in it. But I worry about you. You're around nothing but women all day long, and you have never done well like that. Are you sure that this being separated from men is a religious requirement? Or is it cultural? Because you can take the religion and leave the culture, you know."


Yup. My mama said that. Or pretty close to it. I kid you not. So first, a takbir that she's actually said 'Hey, I know Islam is right for you'.

But. Um, yeah, the person who can lay claim to knowing me best in the world pretty much outlines the exact same concern I have. And yes, I did tell her why I know that this particular way of being is part of the deen and not just cultural. She and my sister find the idea of not dating at all completely foreign. I shall not start down that path, only say that it ain't for me ANYway, something I decided BEFORE I was Muslim, because God knows what He's doing.

Is this something fix-able? I have no idea. I mean, I can... try to join the MSA at University of Conservopolis. I went to one of their events the other day, and it was a lot of fun. Everyone was separated, like there was no pairing off or anything like that, but everyone was having a good time and there was the chance for a couple of comments and the hum of the jokes in the background. The leader of my Sunday halaqa was there (we all respect him and look up to him so things were definitely kept on the halal more than usual), and everyone was having a good time.

At the same time, when you put people in the mix like that, folk start seeing things. One brother pulled me aside and asked me for advice because he 'saw' one of the older brothers flirting with one of the sisters. He claimed that he wasn't alone and there were others, his question being, what should he do? Step to the guy and tell him to quit flirting? Talk to the sister involved or to her older sibling? Say nothing? *sigh* Even with the best of intentions someone has to mess something up. I mean that empirically, without pointing any fingers at anyone in that mess. (I might talk a bit about that particular situation later, since it involves people who were at camp, and I don't know that I want to go there without talking out my camp issues. And I might not talk about it at all.)

I don't see a whole lot I can do. As my sister pointed out, my social interaction is very limited between trying to be good and pattern my interaction on the teachings of the Prophet as I learn them, and on the other side being a product of my culture and particular upbringing. I think I will join the UC MSA, that might help. (I'm concentrating VERY HARD on not thinking about a certain man I know is in that group. I don't want to join if Ima get crush-a-licious, I don't need that either.) I should also note that my interactions with my father and brother are not where they could be- one brother is on the West Coast, one is ill and needs my support, not the other way around, and my father and I both work hours where we don't see each other much. When we do, we talk about the Pimp Car. So my outs aren't really outs.

I guess this is the non-romantic side of my whining back in the day. I'm more intellectual, more jocular, less outwardly-focused than the women around me, and when I do find women like that, they're busy and don't have the ability to be friends. Much. I'm working on a couple of sisters at work who are younger and less dramatic, getting to know them better- of course, they work at the other side of the school, the middle school, which is where I trained probably because that's where my personality lies.

Ladies, if you've read this far, thank you. Please shed some light as you will. Guys, I'm not trying to leave you out, just doubtful any male readers still lurk here. And if you're lurking thanks for listening. My father (and my gut)insists that I get the Pimp Car fixed- I was supposed to be there two hours ago, so I'm outta here...

peace
TwennyTwo

pffoo *dust flies* Lo, these many days later

assalamu alaikum,

I feel like I've forgotten how to blog. Life, you know.

Since i last blogged I went to MYNA camp (which wasn't the best experience but I've been saving the negatives to spew on my blog instead of to the many people I know who've asked), said hello to 2008, said hello to 1429, lost my voice (again), developed yet another impossible crush, changed my doctor, and gone skiing and sprained (please let it only be a sprain! amin) my wrist.

I'm still here and still reading y'all, so don't give up on me yet! I'll be back inshaAllah. I've been going to two halaqas and I'm picking up some fascinating things to discuss. I did want to participate in Baraka's anthology, but it looks like I've missed my chance. Still, it might be an interesting entry.

I hope Muharram and January are going well for you.

peace
TwennyTwo

"Eid Mubarak!"

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh...

... Eid Mubarak was my reply to the smart cashier at the Tar-jay who wished my a Merry Christmas as a well-thought-out 'afterthought' on 'Eid day. And I wish all of you an Eid Sa'eed as well.

It has been doom and gloom around here for a while, sigh. I'm hoping to pick up the tone. Today gave me hope- it was my mother's birthday (she hit a milestone today, alhamdulIllah!), but was one of the warmest Winter solstice days I've ever seen- we hit 61 degrees! It was beautiful. And the moon shone brightly through hazy dark clouds as we drove back from dinner. InshaAllah better days are coming, and we won't be living in sorrow as much. My brother is well, all praises to God for that.

Me? I'm baking cookies. I'm on break from the academy until the 2nd of January, and from day 1 I've been resting and alternately cleaning. And MYNA camp begins on December 26th! This will be my first time as a counselor, so I'm making dua'a for a good experience.

Now, I promised this to Dictator Princess a while back, please indulge me. I love memes! Gank away if you like this one- you have to answer five questions, and then others can ask for an Interview in comments. Let me know if you want in, and I promise to think up some good questions, inshaAllah.


1. A repeat of a previous question:What do you know now that you wish you had known before you converted? I am not talking about "big bad Islam", I mean like what do you know now that could have made the journey easier?

On a practical level- I wish I'd waited to start observing hijab. That's only because I think I'd've ended up wearing it regardless, but to do it when I did did NOT make my life any easier. Yeah. I really wish that I'd remembered that the most beautiful part of Islam is what occurs inside as a result of what I do outside. I lost track of that. This is a hard question- rarely do I take stock of what I've learned like that.

2. Children scare me to death. You teach several. What would you tell me to be more at ease in their presence?

Honey, be easy! They're sturdier than they look- you won't break them! ;o) Be the adult you always wanted to be around- loving and playful, thoughtful, considerate, listening, yet with limitations and boundaries. Have in your mind the image of each child as an interesting person that you want to know and to show love and affection, and watch how they open to you and you to them. Someone had to remind me not to hide the love I had for my preschoolers- for adolescents, the way to be around them is to still be at ease with yourself, but also be thoughtful and principled. They see adults as examples.

3. Speaking of small children, what do you like about teaching preschoolers versus teaching junior high kids (besides avoiding major 'tude)?

Oh, hmm, I guess I started to answer this in my last answer. I love that the world is so shiny and new with the little ones. I mean... words that rhyme are a big deal to a four-year-old. Snowflakes and rainbows are awesome to them. They wonder if Allah mixed in extra chocolate when He made black people. That kind of thing. I get to revive my sense of wonder in the Creation of Allah with preschoolers. That, and they are pure love, not afraid to hug or say hi, they rarely hide their emotions and they aren't deceptive at all. Jr. high kids are just getting into being adults, thinking, and taking action, so you have to think in steps ahead of them in ways that you don't need to do with pre-school.

I love them all for different reasons.

4. I know why it was important to me to find a French-speaking Hombre. In this post you mentioned you would like to have a Spanish-speaking Hombre. Why?

Well, I need to start off saying that's not an ABSOLUTE UNCHANGING REQUIREMENT or anything. But yes, I think a Spanish-speaking Hombre would be nice. I'm a Hispanophile, raised speaking the language and tasting and incorporating the culture into my manner and way of thinking (to a degree). It'd be nice to find someone who understands that part of me- that I'd want my children to learn Spanish as well as English and Arabic as home languages, that I can and do pronounce the rolled r and accents flawlessly, that I fix some mean arroz con habichuelas but still can't make coquito. Spanish language and the attending cultures are my first acquired love, and my huband would be number 2 in there, so it'd be nice if they could mix. *sigh*. Ojala... Too, Spain is a jumping block between the Islamic and the Western, or it was. I felt the connection was natural.

5. One month all expenses paid vacation anywhere in the world. Where would you go and why?

I'd commandeer a passenger jet and end up in Brasil, after first making stops in Culebra, Puerto Rico (or another similar PRIVATE beach), Malaysia, and Central Asia. Brasil is a passion of mine especially after I didn't go in undergrad for reasons I will not speak of here. Brasil received the biggest portion of the African diaspora and has a good number of Muslims. I speak the language and love the music etc. Culebra is this gorgeous teeny tiny island in the PR archipelago with crystal clear blue water and powdery-sanded beaches that are deserted in many places. I'd like to visit a private island and go swimming in the ocean freely again. Malaysia and Central Asia because they spark my imagination and the people I've met from those places have been some of the happiest and most centered I've ever known. And of course, they're all-expenses-paid- when would I get to do that again in my lifetime?

Thank you for the interview!

Eid Mubarak, y'all!!

peace
TwennyTwo

Shock.

assalamu alaikum,


Alhamdulillah, my brother may leave the hospital some time today.
This is wonderful news and I'll be making dua'a for it to actually happen.

But.

Other shocking news: My baby cousin (barely 4 months) is dead and his older sister (also a toddler) was operated on last night. Apparently both were beaten by their caregiver while their mother, my cousin, was at work.

I am in shock. I cannot understand this. I do not. Audhu billah. I'm a zombie because I don't get it. Why? Why? Hurt a child that cannot speak? Hurt a bright innocent baby who brings joy to everyone she knows? Why? Why? Ya rabb...

The man is in custody and had better stay there, as the kids grandfather, my uncle, is understandably beyond furious. And more than half of that particular county (not in Conservopolis) is related to our family.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.

Please pray for us all.