Wednesday, October 20, 2010


assalamu alaikum,

fun gregorian date, today.

So I've been seeing people flashing purple on facecrack and tw.itter to protest the suicides due to bullying of gay teenagers. There have been meetings, support groups on campus for graduate students to talk about homophobia.

t'tell the truth, I'm sure of what I think. What I'm not sure of is where I can say that, except here.

First off, hate has no place in my heart. Where I find it, I do my best to work on it and pull it out. And as with most negativity, if I'm pointing one finger at someone else, I've got 3 coming right back at me.

I think that bullying is wrong, no matter who or where it's done. And I think Noah's Dad has a lot of good ideas on how to face both bullies and victims, by the way.

Gay marriage, 'don't ask, don't tell', and suicides by various kids because they're gay bring homosexuality to mind a lot.

Honestly? I don't think homosexuality should be a topic. So if homosexuality is a reason we're letting kids be bullied, keeping people from setting up house legally with whomever they please, and keeping people who want to serve out of our armed forces, that reason is invalid. Sexuality of any type is healthily only one of many important facets of identity and life.

That's NOT the same thing as saying that I think it's right. Is it right for two men to be spouses? Nope. Should they be able to do so if they want? YES. That's their free choice to do so. I don't think it's prudent. I don't think it falls under the rules and religion I follow with my life. But you know what? I don't think it's right that men and women live together without being married, either; we don't stop them with a law or anything else. People should be able to make and follow through with their own choices. I'm even more hands-off when it comes to sexuality; the parties involved aren't affecting bringing anyone into the act but themselves; they're adults and agreeing and consenting; what they do is NONE of my BUSINESS. And you could probably substitute a lot of concepts with sexuality there.

I think that homosexuality in itself is NOT a reason to withdraw or refuse to love or talk to or treat or work with or smile at or be polite to or live around any person. We used to say it so simply when I was a kid: 'Don't hate the player, hate the game.' So many of us forget that. We are called to love for each other what we love for ourselves; and if they don't love these things for themselves... what? lakum deenukum wa liya deen! To you be your Path, to me mine.

And no use asking if, on their part, gay people will stand up for polygyny or the rights of Muslims to have prayer time at work or to cover properly. No use, because it isn't about reciprocity; it's about being able to inspect and respect myself and what's around me, and still sleep at night.

So no, I didn't wear or show purple today; and yes, it's because I live this out day after day.


Today was the televised debate for my congressional district. Let's just say I want the incumbent to stay in. Last election he beat a congressman who I'd loathed for every one of the 14 years he represented Conservopolis. The old guy wants back in. We're in a conservative area, and he's conservative, so he might actually win (retch). If I were being true to my inclinations I'd go and give the new guy a hand; but 18 credits demand all of my time. Yeah.

And now.
Can I just say I HATE the new Law and Order?! I never watch TV, and now I know why! Did they just put the most unoriginal hater story on the new LA show this week? Why did they just get a child to get in a fictional court and say that she had to obey a man? And have her lie for him? And say that as a conservative muslim she had to obey a man she wasn't even married to?!

I will never watch that show again. I'm so tired of people trying to put an image on my deen that doesn't belong. Really.

Please say a prayer for me; tomorrow is the second of two serious tests in two days, and we have two half-hour presentations next week. And I need to resolve a tax situation with Conservopolis AGAIN (apparently it didn't reach the records the first time). Just... patience. I need some renewed supplies of patience and perseverance. InshaAllah I'll get back to the tests and presentations later.


Sunday, October 17, 2010


assalamu alaikum

So what's new?

I had my first clinicals as a nursing student this week. That was interesting. I think the viewpoint of a nurse is very different from an EMT; EMTs (Emergency Medical Technicians, those people who come with the ambulance) are a more quickly judging, not nearly as long-term, and more health maintenance and less life-saving. It's funny that I got so much out of my EMT courses; even now I still hear the voice of my teacher, Nurse Wanda, and the stuff I learned is instinctive though I didn't practice much.

I'm treading lightly so far on blogging the nurse thing; part of it is that I don't want to break any laws, and part is that I'm still getting sorted out in my head what I want to say. I do want to blog about it though, because I need to be able to look back on this. Kinda like portareeco.

So, right now the hardest things for me are Nursing Theory (which is so many words without clarity of ideas), and Nursing Research (wherein we learned first about qualitative research, which on the face is some nutty schtuff, lemme tell you). As a matter of fact, I'm off to go study them now.

I think the problem with Theory is that not only is it a bunch of new ideas, but I don't have a paradigm to fit them into right now. That, and the reading is insane.
Mind you, I'm a really good reader, always have been; but the readings for this class always seem to want to be impressive, and use 15 3-syllable words where they can explain the same thing in 5. And, the professor for the class annoys me because she doesn't give straight explanations for the concepts, so that now, at midterm, I feel frustrated and lost. I'm still doing the work for the class, but my feeling is totally making me lose any emotional (and thus motivational) investment in doing well. C=RN, yo.

Research at least is easier to understand; but I have the same issues with the readings. Because I'm a visual-spatial thinker the readings are frustrating to me; I'll read entire pages and not be able to put a single visualization or understanding to anything discussed. It makes me unpleasant to be around at times, I'm sure, because I want to whine.

Oh, do I want to whine.

On other fronts, nothing new with the man... and I refuse to think about it until there is, how'bout that? Really, theory and research and pathophysiology are enough to keep stuck in the back of my head.


There's more to say, but I don't feel the time to say it; it's interesting the pressure I feel to be studying right now. So here I go. Ttys.


Sunday, October 03, 2010

Got it started

assalamu alaikum,

I'm so antsy, because I did it; I got the ball rolling with this guy.

I don't even want to give him a blog name, yet. It might be one of those things that fades away until even if I gave him a pseudonym, I wouldn't remember his real name.

It's the possibilities that are making me antsy and itchy and wiggly. What if he says yes? (?!?!!)

So let me backtrack a sec... since my last post, I've had this in the back of my mind; I just didn't have a lot of time to focus on it. Between the mentoring group, plus my time-and-a-half studies, I had like five assignments, a test, and a research critique due last week. As it was, I didn't do as well as I wanted on the test (a B, but I want an A. Yes, I'm one of those people).
But this weekend, Br. Leader and May had a gathering at their house. And at first I asked Leader, okay, so if we don't date... how Do I get to know this man, to see if this is right?

I appreciated the answer, which was... just have people around. The big issues with dating in Islam are that the important questions aren't fully addressed before marriage, and/or the couple being alone together (since, if a man and a woman are alone together, shaitan is the third)- that includes phone calls and internet contact. So he basically said, like go to a restaurant and sit at a table, but have another couple (or parents, depending on how strict the family is) at a different table. I kinda grinned when he said something to the effect that no man is going to try something if her dad is sitting at the next table; totally true! Or, he said, if two people were sitting in his dining room, and others were in another room; since the floor plan is pretty open (no real doors), and people can come and peek in at all times, that's acceptable.

So it really is like courting, back in the day. I like that. I never was a dating person, even back before Islam in high school.

But then he asked, "Anybody I know?" and y'all, I'm so glad I'm a chocolate person because I know I must've blushed like bright red. So I said yes; and he offered to have a gathering at his house, to prevent awkwardness.

I spend so much time protecting myself against blows I think are coming and too often have come. The experience last weekend really got me to the point where I finally started to bring my barriers down. I can't tell you how big that is. I want to be the person who avoids that awkward situation without dreading it or acting to avoid it instead of acting to get what I want... in this. Most times I don't give a rip what anyone thinks.

And May commented on just that. The mentoring group we're all a part of is going to be doing year-long training. "You'll have enough on your plate without that big white elephant in the room." Ain't that the truth.

Leader said something else about how this guy might be ok with marrying older in general, but really might want to marry someone his age or younger. I agreed; and what ran through my head was something similar, but along racial lines. Just last week I had a friend email me some man's profile. When I asked her why she didn't want to keep him for herself, she said, "He's African-American." SO what? I wondered. Turns out she wants a desi guy- she's desi herself. I wonder if this guy is like that. I doubt it; but what do I know?

So, since I finally let someone know who can get the ball rolling, I do feel better about it. Still giddy, still looking forward to seeing him, but better. I'm getting to like this anticipation of GOOD things.

Make dua'a for me, please!