Tuesday, August 15, 2006

menkabrohna ke...


So. Frazzled.

Just spent wayyy too much time soothing my girlfriend Imiaz out of first being hysterical, then depression. I'm tired.

The whole situation stinks. It came about because she's nuts about one of her guy friends. It scared me because I have friends like that. But I don't think I can do it any longer. I love Imiaz but I'm not setting myself up to take the same path she did. I only really have two other things to say:

1) Men and Women shouldn't be close friends. (Note the emphasis on the word close.) I say this as one who has platonic yet close friendships with people who happen to be male, a habit I'm seeing is gonna stop. Right this second.

Close male and female friendships mess up later potential love relationships for both men and women. Speaking from experience, I want to be best friends with my husband. So I'm operating counter to that purpose if I make a lot of best friends while looking for a husband somewhere else. Knaw'mean?

I'm starting to agree with the old folks' wisdom my mama told me: if you already are getting what you want, why do you want more? If we have companionship (without sexual relationships) from the opposite sex, then why should we want to get married? Having close male friends, for a woman, gives an outlet that IMO shouldn't be there. Also, from the other side, if a man is close friends with women and knows all about them, what's there to say that he's gonna want to go after a 'special' woman and focus his attention on her? There's no essential mystery there, no difference in his mind based purely on the 'otherness' of the feminine, nothing to tempt or tantalize and keep'em wanting the special relationship of marriage with a woman that he never truly knows inside and out (because if she's smart she has him mystified 50 years later).
That's my $.02 on that.

2) Don't play with the word love. Just don't do it. SubhanAllah this practice is making me furious. This i-can't-stress-how-potent emotion-verb is WAY too overused. So here's a way to end confusion and grief from both sides of the sex divide- do not use the word love to ANYone, male or female, related or not, joking or not unless you mean it. It is not a means to an end, a tool for manipulation, is not casual in any way shape or form. Do not say you love someone unless you have thought several times and then several times more about it, unless you brought that person into the world, unless selflessness toward that person is your only reason and expression in saying it. Just don't. Period.

That'll be all.



  1. "if you already are getting what you want, why do you want more?"

    that was usually said in relation to sex. Not just friendship. And sex would be the lacking factor to go after. Friendship is not a replacement for a marriage relationship.

  2. peace,

    Yes, the old chestnut about free milk was usually about sex.

    But what I said was meant to be applied generally. If I'm full, do I want food? No, unless I'm a glutton. If I've already got one outfit on, do I need another? If I went to the amusement park yesterday, why would I go again the next day?

    What I'm saying is that just as you say sex would be the lacking factor to go after, both parties should want more than sex out of a relationship. I'm saying that a deep-beyond-casual-friendships relationship should also be a factor to go after. The fact that many people don't think so in this day disturbs me.

    Casual friendship isn't, indeed, a replacement for marriage. But I think the solace that I've had in some friendships is the same thing I'd want in a marriage... so I'd better save that AS WELL AS sex for exactly that: a monogamous marriage.

    that's all.


  3. Totally get and agree with what you're saying. I've been down that road and it didn't end the way I hoped. In fact, it ended our friendship but that was for the best. I would like to say that Muslim parents shouldn't encourage their children to spend extra time together in the hopes that they'll get together. You can't expect them to have a sibling relationship while simultaneously hoping they'll get married.
    Just my two cents.
    P.S. I love your blog.

  4. Yesterday, I was in 3 day camp in masjid al-fatir (http://www.flickr.com/photos/nuwi/88557591/ ) in south Chicago. I went to dunkin donuts to buy coffee and glazed donuts for my brothers in the masjid. There I met Sister Fatima who is from Morocco. She has only mother who travel back and forth. I had a quick chat with her and I offered her my help to find out a better paying salary in Information Industry where she has some experience. She told that nobody is ready to help her.

    I shared the incident with brothers in the masjid. They started laughing at me and started warning me against getting into relationship with her. I tried to explain them that whatever I do to help her will be through my wife. Still they continued explaining me citing different incidents of how pious people ended up in Zina (Fornication).

    I am confused now. I don?t have any feeling in my heart than helping here. Am I doing an act forbidden in Islam or an act that can reap rewards from Allah?

  5. Liked these two cents, I am stll oglong at.

  6. Assalamu Alaikum sister, Can you please e-mail me. I have a very important information to share with you.

  7. Salaam dear,

    I am best friends with my husband...and I still miss my male friends.

    After I became more practicing/got married my friendships with guy friends changed, shallowed out to some degree.

    I understand that...but I still miss them sometimes.


  8. Girl I have been thinking these exact thoughts lately.

    We definitely (ab)use the Love word. And close friendships between male and female, well I would say it is very individual and perhaps can exist, but from experience, at least one of the parties has eventually developed feelings for the other, whether or not expressed.