Monday, August 28, 2006

I'm happy.

I've moved out of my aunt's house and into a house with two young ladies around my age. I like them both; one has an exuberant, extroverted personality; the other is more quiet and observing and calmly pointed in her remarks. If there were a scale for personalities, mine would fit right in between the two. Two cats, Rainbow and Principessa, came with the house. 'Pessa is the darling siamese, and Rainbow the antisocial guy.

Insha'Allah I'll be signing for a loan to buy my aunt's old car pretty soon. I'm ok with this arrangement since I needed the car, and since my bank's minimum auto loan requirement is nearly double the value of the car, I'll be able to offset the interest (ha! Riba defeat!) with the difference, since my aunt agreed to give it back to me.

I'm still in love with my job. I arrived late; but the structure of the place is such that as long as I get the work done, no one really cares when I do it. So I'll stay until around 7 and knock out all that's on my desk. I feel so competent and needed here. I'll lock up when I leave, and walk (walk!) the 10 minutes to get to my house in a lovely, old, green, quiet little community.

My insecurities are wrecking me right now, however. I'm letting myself get in the way of my goals. I'm conflicted. And that's showing up in wavering of my practice of Islam. I don't want to go into detail right here and now, because I know I should be 'covering' my faults and not exposing myself. Plus, a lot of people who know me in 'real life' read this blog. I need to be circumspect.

SO here's the main question: how to deal with myself when I know what I want and could try to get it, but I'm scared of failing?
Or worse, being so scared of negative responses that I lock up and don't reach out to people who could help me?

Seems like that's always my question, isn't it?

But other than that (dreadfully intensely centrally important) question,
I'm happy. Thanks, God.



  1. scared of failing?

    Put trust in Allah. He will make it happen. Do it only for the pleasure of Allah and put all, expectation, hope and reward only from Allah.

    If it fail, still thank Allah and tell him that Oh Allah you would have thought of giving me better or you saved me from worse. This my way of taking initiative.

  2. Oh boy - I'm glad you dont have the long commute anymore! For convenience AND safety alhamdulillah.

    Yeah, I know how it is not to have people you don't trust not to judge you so you can't ask them for help. Having a shaikh on the other hand - wow. I miss him.