Ok, I've had a moment to cool down. And to talk to Nishat, which helps. He was making cracks about coming down here to see me and sleeping in a dumpster. Like Demogenes. Made me laugh. So now I feel better.
I was/am (I'm still in-between just now) upset because I'm seeing a pattern here, and I don't like it, and at the same time I'm feeling attacked, as has happened before, and I don't like it. I'm thrown into conflict b/c it's hard enough as is to deal with feeling the way I do. As my mother has told me, I can say anything - the issue is how I say it. And I'd love so dearly sometimes to tell my entire family to go *bump* themselves, but have yet to find the way to say so. And even writing that last sentence has me saying 'astaghfirullah' under my breath.
(I love my family. I just want them to chill sometimes. We're all very intense people, you know? Everyone wants to know who is doing what how, and I'm gen'rally not that forthcoming in person. )
Sistahgurl got issues. Yes. I know I do.
I think what set me off was my aunt. I'm not all that upset over what's going on with my mother, because I know she'll be okay; she's getting medical care. They know what's wrong with her and how to fix it.
I'm really pizz-ed because of the whole information chain in my family. It has me 'by the roof', as said in portareecan. I mean, it's as if I'm supposed to think it's lovely that my own mother is in the hospital, but she and my father have told their parents but not their kids. And then I'm supposed to think it's wonderful that I'm supposed to keep that particular piece of important information to myself without thinking about it. When, in fact, during my life no one has EVER kept anything about ME to themselves. This is what's driving me nuts: either you have confidences, or you don't. Either you tell people things or you don't. If this is a family issue, and you're upset with me because you want me to communicate more fully with my family, then DON'T turn around and get pissed because I COMMUNICATED something important WITHIN THE FAMILY.
That's all I'm saying. It seems a bit hypocritical to me. But I shouldn't come outta my face and call anyone that. Especially as dependent as I am.
That's something else that is bothering me. I'm not independent. I don't truly want to be, but this whole 'act like an adult' business is a fine line to walk. I'm sick of crying every time I have a serious talk with anyone, but especially my family.
My time is low so I'm gonna post this and then come back.