Sunday, October 09, 2005

So, why I'm upset. See previous post first.

peace, y'all.

Ok, I've had a moment to cool down. And to talk to Nishat, which helps. He was making cracks about coming down here to see me and sleeping in a dumpster. Like Demogenes. Made me laugh. So now I feel better.

I was/am (I'm still in-between just now) upset because I'm seeing a pattern here, and I don't like it, and at the same time I'm feeling attacked, as has happened before, and I don't like it. I'm thrown into conflict b/c it's hard enough as is to deal with feeling the way I do. As my mother has told me, I can say anything - the issue is how I say it. And I'd love so dearly sometimes to tell my entire family to go *bump* themselves, but have yet to find the way to say so. And even writing that last sentence has me saying 'astaghfirullah' under my breath.

(I love my family. I just want them to chill sometimes. We're all very intense people, you know? Everyone wants to know who is doing what how, and I'm gen'rally not that forthcoming in person. )

Sistahgurl got issues. Yes. I know I do.

I think what set me off was my aunt. I'm not all that upset over what's going on with my mother, because I know she'll be okay; she's getting medical care. They know what's wrong with her and how to fix it.

I'm really pizz-ed because of the whole information chain in my family. It has me 'by the roof', as said in portareecan. I mean, it's as if I'm supposed to think it's lovely that my own mother is in the hospital, but she and my father have told their parents but not their kids. And then I'm supposed to think it's wonderful that I'm supposed to keep that particular piece of important information to myself without thinking about it. When, in fact, during my life no one has EVER kept anything about ME to themselves. This is what's driving me nuts: either you have confidences, or you don't. Either you tell people things or you don't. If this is a family issue, and you're upset with me because you want me to communicate more fully with my family, then DON'T turn around and get pissed because I COMMUNICATED something important WITHIN THE FAMILY.

That's all I'm saying. It seems a bit hypocritical to me. But I shouldn't come outta my face and call anyone that. Especially as dependent as I am.

That's something else that is bothering me. I'm not independent. I don't truly want to be, but this whole 'act like an adult' business is a fine line to walk. I'm sick of crying every time I have a serious talk with anyone, but especially my family.

My time is low so I'm gonna post this and then come back.



  1. Its funny how family wants you to act like an adult, when at the same time they treat you like a child. They fail to recognize your need for a private personal space (whether that is a physical place and/or a social network) and sometimes demand control of your life that seems too high a price to pay for the help that you are currently recieving. And just when you can't take it no more and you are going to run away, they tell you how much they love you and need you and you get SUCKED BACK IN!
    I advise this: make a plan to achieve a goal of some form of independence, or complete independence. Then let them know about it. Over time inform them of the progress. Use this goal as your alibi in all things. You may be off to go and fool around in some fun and silly nonsense but as far as your auntie needs to know- you are out being about your life plan you previously discussed. I think that this will ease some of the tension you are feeling in regard to that matter.
    (it helped me a ton, but then I bought a car and flipped out and now am flopping around like a fish out of water...but don't worry, I will find something!)

  2. Hey, just out of curiosity- why do you want to learn Dutch for??
    My grandma worked as a nanny for this rich family in Holland, and they let me come spend a summer there with her when I was like 7 or 8 & and I was yapping away in Dutch in no time. I barely remember anything now, unfortunately. It's amazing how fast children pick up languages. They should really introduce foreign languages MUCH sooner here in the U.S...It's so hard as an adult.

    I hope you're feeling better about life than a few days ago, and things blow over with your Aunt. OH, and all the best to your mommy with her health and operation, may she be well soon...that's really the most important thing.
    Take care of yourself too & enjoy the rest of the week!
    Vaarwel! Vrede!
    ;) Aleksa

    p.s Leest uw potentiƫle toekomstige echtgenoot deze pagina? Werk ons op dat bij bij de pagina van de Sherry! Oh Lord, hoop ik hij het geen Nederlands spreekt !

  3. Salam Alaykum

    Oh sister, I know that feeling of suffocation... and the helplessness and anger that comes when you've got something really important to explain, but you just choke up and cry instead of communicating the much needed point. UGH! It's happened way too many times with me. It's kind of surreal, after it's over. To control it i try to use a lot of teeth grinding and nails-in-palms action, but really i think that i should try to dhikr a little next time it happens. Well, actually i did that once when someone said something really rude and stupid; i was ready to tear up but i just turned around, repeated "Audhubillah" several times, breathed deeply and it helped me calm down - enough to tell the person off. ;) It wasn't easy, but it certainly impressed me with its effectiveness.

    May Allah make things easier and more favorable for you, and may your mommy get better soon. Ameen. Take care!