Friday, October 14, 2005

Ramadan Challenge: Family

peace, y'all

Thanks to everyone who has seen what I've been going through and has been making duas for me with due diligence accordingly. I needed (and still need) them! The entire past WEEK has been a Ramadan challenge, one called FAMILY.

AlHamdulIllah, my mommy is fine. Turns out they didn't perform the surgery because they couldn't- she was in way too fragile a state to be going through surgery. While that is scary in and of itself, it had the silver lining that Mama was able to push back surgery possibly until December, Lord willing, so that my sibs and I can make it home and prepare the house and care for her while she's recovering. Insha'Allah.

A talk with my mother and some reading I've done in the interim have helped me as I come to terms with everything my aunt had to say the other day. I'm still not done and I don't think everything she said was true. My conclusions are that:

1) I can only be myself, no matter what ANYONE thinks about it- good, bad, or ugly. This might cause me anguish, and I can change anything about myself that I decide I don't like, but I cannot me all things (or even many things) for all people.

2) My aunt and my father and many others in my family are about assistance the way I am about information and personal plans: don't volunteer it unless asked. So they're blowing up at me for not giving them information so they can help me, and I'm furious at them for not helping me to understand what information to give them. Subhanallah. Now that I'm beginning to understand what the biggest issue is (I'm being good and not saying 'their' issue since it's mine too), I'm starting to try to find ways around this.

3) I have to watch myself after intensely emotional interactions with my family or with very very close friends. I tend to get VERY depressed after them and have dark dark thoughts. Not good. Because of the way I feel things I kinda isolate myself, which doesn't help any. Hmm.

Right now I'm just glad that the heat of the moment is over.

I'm off to try to find a masjid for iftar tonight. Do you all realize I haven't been to a jumah prayer or prayed in unison at all during Ramadan? This is because of my personal situation- the busses don't run after dark, and it is a little dangerous to walk home inthe dark here. So if you or someone you know lives in/near Fairfax County/ Hybla Valley and can help me out on this even once, holla back... jazakhAllah khair.


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