Mmph.

*sigh*

Today was the kind of day I wish I could take back with me when I have to return to the frosty forty-eight. Breezy, sunny, warm but not hot, and not too humid. It was the kinda day where you take a blanket and read a good book companionably or by yourself and feel perfectly content.

Alas, I didn't go straight to my dark apt after work, but I did make a few phone calls. See, last night (after I posted) I called my mama and just talked myself out until I came to a resolution about CU.

The thing is, I don't really want to do Public Health. PH is NOT my end-goal. I want to be a certified nurse-midwife, operating an educational/health/legal aid clinic in an urban area.

So to do that, I really need to be looking at programs that offer the accelerated BA/CNM degree. NOT pubHealth.

What made it so hard to make that decision?

I really just had to get to the point where I ignored all my fronts and got in touch with what my guts (and God ) were telling me. And all of the above have been telling me for quite some time that I need to be an obstetrician.


Being that I am terrified of sixyearsofmedskoolwithnobreak, I turn to the option of being a CNM, which serves women but doesn't involve the crazy training.

(Knowing myself, I'll end up going to medskool when I'm 40 cuz i'm silly like that.)

Plus, seriously, actually getting into CU was a big status thing for me. It's a crazy good school. It has an internationally known name. So at a time when I'm feeling not's'great about myself, just being able to say that i got in was and is a HUGE THRILL!!!
My high has come down. Yes, whatever I study I want to go to the best school possible, but I'm not the same person I was when I accepted entry into undergrad. I'm no longer sev'nteen, i'm twennythree, and I literally canNOT live with myself when I settle for less that what I want. My subconscious makes me feel horrible.

But okay, so now that I know that CU costs soooo much, and I know how I am about being in debt (it is the major reason my shoulders and brows are permanently knotted, see earlier entries for details), I can't afford to do it just as a stepping stone into nursing/medskool.

So I called and asked about CU's direct entry program. Turns out I need to have already taken:
NATFIZZ (anatomy and physiology), Stat, psychology, english (no problem!), 6 humanities credits, MICROBIO, 9 natural science credits...
BEFORE I EVEN APPLY TO THE BLINKIN'SCHOOL.

Oregon Health Sciences University wants much the same. and Georgetown wants MORE. WHat the heck is up?!

SO. That's a lotta work t'do. That also my main issue right now. I've got a lot of the credits I need, but to finish the rest is almost full-time work. I don't have the time or the cash to spend a year studying.

Even if I apply to a less-rigorous program, there goes my plan to be in grad school this fall. I don't know if I can withstand another year of teaching on this island... y'all don't EVEN know.

So. The question of the day is what to do with this coming school year.

I could look for another job, which I'm already doing.

I could stay on as a teacher in PRPS. Hmm. See below entries.

I could go stay with my parents. (if crippled and absolutely unable to care for myself, otherwise, NOT).

I guess I'm sulking because I really am/was looking forward to living in NYC. I mean, it has a GREAT religious community, something I'm missing right now, along with the social contact that comes with (though I miss Sisters' Halakah, I'm also realistically thinking of the many, many, many men to choose from). There's always something to do. Spanish is spoken. The library system is out of this world.

Yes it's cold, yes life can be hard, but I kinda feel like Feivel's family. There are no cats in America, specially not in NYC. I don't think I can do another year in portareeco without spending some significant time away, because right now I'm drifiting. I've got twennysomethin syndrome: there's no place that feels like home.

ANy suggestions?