peace
so right now i'm throwing my fist up at the sky and hollering,
"where is my sustenance! You promised! where is it?! how am i supposed to make it?!"
in a friendly, loving, obedient and respectful way
of course
and while my head knows i am owed nothing but death i need my heart to be at peace with it
but not so as to hasten that particular debt collector
and all i'm really saying is that i work all day every day and i work alone
(but for You)
so not paying the rent or not eating shouldn't be an option because i work
(for You alone)
if one more person tells me i have to sacrifice they will truly sacrifice themselves for my sake
i know what i have to do
i know how it is (its hard)
i don't know how to be. show me how to be patient. show me how to be frugal. show me how to be friendless. show me how to be homeless.
its not that i dont trust You more like i don't trust me
but i live for You and You, you're up there sending down sustenance
right
and i don't want to miss it so i'm looking real hard
right now
i don't want to make any decisions because they're all bad
except that i still trust You
right now
i need You for real
that's all i'm saying
Friday, July 27, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
What's with the fifth degree from Saudi? - and other questions
peace,
It's going to be a looooong weekend.
I'm riding down to my parents' birthplace with my Aunt C. inshaAllah. I actually don't anticipate drama. I think Allah is testing me with this one. I think patience and love will be key. I also plan to enjoy my time with my cousins, especially the one whose birthday is Monday. She's also the youngest and smartest and most sensitive of the bunch, and I miss her. The rest of the time I'll be reading or sleeping- I doubt Aunt C. would unbend enough for me to help them drive, and it's between 9 and 12 hours driving. Which means I'm headed out of here soon. Praying for mercy the entire way.
D. moved to Syracuse, to start his master's studies bootcamp for journalists. I'm definitely going to miss D's presence. I think what confused me so about him is the fact that he's a one in a million friend; one that makes me feel confident, smart, and safe at the same time. I finally figured out that while he's not my future husband, the one for me will have those same qualities times about a hundred and BE MUSLIM. So there. Question resolved. He's enjoying his time in bootcamp and I'm glad; that's something he's wanted to do for a very long time, and I'm glad he's happy with that choice. I also know that that's the end of an era, since I most likely won't be in DC by the time he finishes his studies.
Speaking of DC, yesterday I took my accent seminar students for a field trip to the Capitol and the House Gallery. I think the trip itself went pretty well; But I've got some serious questions. If the congresspeople and the Capitol are supposed to be freely accessible to the people, then why do you have to have separate passes to get to the House galleries, Senate galleries, and the Rotunda? Why do you have to have a Capitol staffer with you to see all three at the same time? One red-shirted guide nearly ticked me off by quite loudly explaining that I didn't have the right pass for the rotunda. I let my students see it anyway (this is MY government, too!), and they snapped photos before the red-shirt controlfreak used a walkie talkie to call a Capitol guard to escort us away. Humph.
And, oh, yeah, we got to see the vote on the bill to support education and decrease in student loan debt. Steve Chabot, I am severely disappointed in you! How dare you vote no on a bill that would help so many of your constituents in Cincinnati to excape from the burdens placed in front of higher ed in this country! One of only 5 who did so as well. I'll be writing a formal letter. So yeah, it was def cool to see my past and present representatives on the floor. When the vote was first called, the floor was empty. My students asked, "Is this it?" and wondered exactly how many people would get to vote... and then they started trickling in. I personally found it fun to see how they were dressed, who they talked to, and how they made the vote- they took these little cards and placed them into a slot, then pushed the button to make their choice; at the end they were asked if they wanted to change their vote, I guess to prevent mistakes. One rep was awesome- she wore a white jacket, black skirt, had her hair elaborately braded into a crown, and a long flowing red scarf over her shoulder. I remember thinking that'd be a killer hijab. It was a thrill to see John Conyers and Charlie Dingel as well as Ambassador Wilson, too. Very cool. I hadn't seen that scene since I left my lobby position my sophomore year.
And then I returned to the school to teach my night class. I met two very nice sisters named Samiya and Fatema, from Jubeid (sp?) in Saudi. They proceeded to ask me fiftyleven questions: Oh, you're Muslim? Where are you from? And your family? No, I mean, are your whole family Muslim? Do you speak Arabic? Oh, so that's what you know? How did you come to Islam?
That last one... geesh. I answer that question so much, yo, after the impromptu interview It was a bit much. But when I gave a general answer "Oh, I took shahada at college, when I was 18", she was all, "But, HOW?!".
Okay. Que rude. Luckily the bell rang and I went to teach my class. My student Ishmael had seen them crowd me in the lobby and said, "I know, they interviewed me, too." It's hilarious, but at the same time, makes me kinda mad. What's up with that?!
Anyhow, I'm off on a journey. Please make dua'a for my grandmother, and for me, and for my family. InshaAllah I'll talk to you all after I get back.
peace
TwennyTwo
It's going to be a looooong weekend.
I'm riding down to my parents' birthplace with my Aunt C. inshaAllah. I actually don't anticipate drama. I think Allah is testing me with this one. I think patience and love will be key. I also plan to enjoy my time with my cousins, especially the one whose birthday is Monday. She's also the youngest and smartest and most sensitive of the bunch, and I miss her. The rest of the time I'll be reading or sleeping- I doubt Aunt C. would unbend enough for me to help them drive, and it's between 9 and 12 hours driving. Which means I'm headed out of here soon. Praying for mercy the entire way.
D. moved to Syracuse, to start his master's studies bootcamp for journalists. I'm definitely going to miss D's presence. I think what confused me so about him is the fact that he's a one in a million friend; one that makes me feel confident, smart, and safe at the same time. I finally figured out that while he's not my future husband, the one for me will have those same qualities times about a hundred and BE MUSLIM. So there. Question resolved. He's enjoying his time in bootcamp and I'm glad; that's something he's wanted to do for a very long time, and I'm glad he's happy with that choice. I also know that that's the end of an era, since I most likely won't be in DC by the time he finishes his studies.
Speaking of DC, yesterday I took my accent seminar students for a field trip to the Capitol and the House Gallery. I think the trip itself went pretty well; But I've got some serious questions. If the congresspeople and the Capitol are supposed to be freely accessible to the people, then why do you have to have separate passes to get to the House galleries, Senate galleries, and the Rotunda? Why do you have to have a Capitol staffer with you to see all three at the same time? One red-shirted guide nearly ticked me off by quite loudly explaining that I didn't have the right pass for the rotunda. I let my students see it anyway (this is MY government, too!), and they snapped photos before the red-shirt controlfreak used a walkie talkie to call a Capitol guard to escort us away. Humph.
And, oh, yeah, we got to see the vote on the bill to support education and decrease in student loan debt. Steve Chabot, I am severely disappointed in you! How dare you vote no on a bill that would help so many of your constituents in Cincinnati to excape from the burdens placed in front of higher ed in this country! One of only 5 who did so as well. I'll be writing a formal letter. So yeah, it was def cool to see my past and present representatives on the floor. When the vote was first called, the floor was empty. My students asked, "Is this it?" and wondered exactly how many people would get to vote... and then they started trickling in. I personally found it fun to see how they were dressed, who they talked to, and how they made the vote- they took these little cards and placed them into a slot, then pushed the button to make their choice; at the end they were asked if they wanted to change their vote, I guess to prevent mistakes. One rep was awesome- she wore a white jacket, black skirt, had her hair elaborately braded into a crown, and a long flowing red scarf over her shoulder. I remember thinking that'd be a killer hijab. It was a thrill to see John Conyers and Charlie Dingel as well as Ambassador Wilson, too. Very cool. I hadn't seen that scene since I left my lobby position my sophomore year.
And then I returned to the school to teach my night class. I met two very nice sisters named Samiya and Fatema, from Jubeid (sp?) in Saudi. They proceeded to ask me fiftyleven questions: Oh, you're Muslim? Where are you from? And your family? No, I mean, are your whole family Muslim? Do you speak Arabic? Oh, so that's what you know? How did you come to Islam?
That last one... geesh. I answer that question so much, yo, after the impromptu interview It was a bit much. But when I gave a general answer "Oh, I took shahada at college, when I was 18", she was all, "But, HOW?!".
Okay. Que rude. Luckily the bell rang and I went to teach my class. My student Ishmael had seen them crowd me in the lobby and said, "I know, they interviewed me, too." It's hilarious, but at the same time, makes me kinda mad. What's up with that?!
Anyhow, I'm off on a journey. Please make dua'a for my grandmother, and for me, and for my family. InshaAllah I'll talk to you all after I get back.
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, July 08, 2007
My grandmother has died
peace
inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
My grandmother died at 8:29 this morning. May God grant her peace and have mercy upon her.
Please pray for her, and her children, her husband, her sibs and all of the rest of us.
I have to blog it out. My sister doesn't want to talk, and my cell is nearly dead. And I have some whinery in here somewhere. Blog blog blog.
I'm so sad right now. You might think it's odd that I'm not really sad for my grandmother- she'd been very sick, so that I'm glad she nor her caregivers have to go through illness anymore. And I'm relieved that we don't have to have disputes between us anymore. Her being sick opened a door for me to forgive ( though I'm not done with that yet I have started). Mostly I'm grieving for my mother- she was at the nursing center with her this morning, just the two of them. Reminded me a lot of how Nzingha described being with her mother at her passing. And for my aunts, my grandmother's other daughters, as well. My aunt C., the one I lived with here when I came back from Puerto Rico, had just left the night before, so she made it back here. She'll have to make the trip again. I think she'll be the most deeply affected of all of them. She's so stoic, but the advent of my grandmother's illness has made her frantic in a way. I wish I could comfort her, but, true to pattern, I think I'm so annoying to her that I'd just irritate her. As I did my grandmother, a lot of times. *sigh*
Today is my remaining grandmother's birthday, so I called her. My grandparents live up the street from one another; technically the streets have different names since they're bisected by the main road that goes through Tuskegee, but we only have to cross one street to walk from the house of my mother's parents to that of my father's mother. She said she was grateful to have made it to another year- and that she was cooking for "yo mama'nem. Your mama has been up so late all these nights, They all been up these nights, they shouldn't have to be cookin' too". Her co-mother-in-law (why don't we have a term for this in English?!) died on her birthday and she started cooking, which is very "her".
Mama (I actually call her Mami which sounds like Mommy in English, but it's wierd to write that) asked me if I'd be able to come to Tuskegee. Ostensibly for the funeral. I want to go give her a hug and wait on her. Yup, go and serve my mama. I'm rather ambivalent about the funeral for a couple of reasons, but they all are some variation of the fact that I don't want my grandmother's funeral to become or enable a focus on my differences from and with my extended family. At all. And I want to avoid that completely. I selfishly don't want things to be about me, I don't want questions, I don't want to sing, I don't want to be overwhelmed, I just want to go hug my mama and fix her plates and rub her feet.
I know that depending on which scholar I listen to I'm not supposed to go to the funeral anyway. Part of me doesn't want to go. I don't like funerals. I don't like my grandparent's church (this is where my mother and all my aunts were married.) I prefer burials, when things are quiet and the body is returned to the earth. Islamic funeral prayers and burials are just my style, really.
But. My mother has asked it. So much of my life in Alabama has been funerals, looking at the orange and white sandy ground while preachers say things and people brush tissues over their faces. InshaAllah I'll go to Tuskegee and play things by ear from there.
Logistics won't be fun. I guess I'll be making the ride down and back with my youngest aunt and uncle. I'm broke and I'm looking for work; I don't know if the school where I'm teaching will actually hire me back for both morning and evening sessions (it's month to month work until I'm full time, one session left to teach for that to happen), and I don't know where the money to travel will come from. I have a final exam to administer on Thursday evening; if perhaps I give it on Wednesday and let the students turn in their final book reports on Thursday, I could turn in the paperwork in order to actually be able to leave on Thursday night or Friday morning... I was going to use the time to look for jobs but... and, oh, yeah, Friday just happens to be my 26th birthday. And I thought the last one sucked. At least now I don't have to wonder about what I'm going to do. And I'll get to be around my cousins and my sibs and my family. *sigh*. I'm reaching for Allah right now, to help me know how to act.
You know, my grandmother had a great life. She kicked ass. As much as we disagreed, she gave me the best gift I have- my mother. For that alone I should celebrate the fact that she was here. and ask for God to keep her now that she's not. I'm mixed up, but I know that I'm grateful for that much.
But my grandmother has died, and she didn't die alone; my mother was with her. Pray for them, pray for us.
peace
TwennyTwo
inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
My grandmother died at 8:29 this morning. May God grant her peace and have mercy upon her.
Please pray for her, and her children, her husband, her sibs and all of the rest of us.
I have to blog it out. My sister doesn't want to talk, and my cell is nearly dead. And I have some whinery in here somewhere. Blog blog blog.
I'm so sad right now. You might think it's odd that I'm not really sad for my grandmother- she'd been very sick, so that I'm glad she nor her caregivers have to go through illness anymore. And I'm relieved that we don't have to have disputes between us anymore. Her being sick opened a door for me to forgive ( though I'm not done with that yet I have started). Mostly I'm grieving for my mother- she was at the nursing center with her this morning, just the two of them. Reminded me a lot of how Nzingha described being with her mother at her passing. And for my aunts, my grandmother's other daughters, as well. My aunt C., the one I lived with here when I came back from Puerto Rico, had just left the night before, so she made it back here. She'll have to make the trip again. I think she'll be the most deeply affected of all of them. She's so stoic, but the advent of my grandmother's illness has made her frantic in a way. I wish I could comfort her, but, true to pattern, I think I'm so annoying to her that I'd just irritate her. As I did my grandmother, a lot of times. *sigh*
Today is my remaining grandmother's birthday, so I called her. My grandparents live up the street from one another; technically the streets have different names since they're bisected by the main road that goes through Tuskegee, but we only have to cross one street to walk from the house of my mother's parents to that of my father's mother. She said she was grateful to have made it to another year- and that she was cooking for "yo mama'nem. Your mama has been up so late all these nights, They all been up these nights, they shouldn't have to be cookin' too". Her co-mother-in-law (why don't we have a term for this in English?!) died on her birthday and she started cooking, which is very "her".
Mama (I actually call her Mami which sounds like Mommy in English, but it's wierd to write that) asked me if I'd be able to come to Tuskegee. Ostensibly for the funeral. I want to go give her a hug and wait on her. Yup, go and serve my mama. I'm rather ambivalent about the funeral for a couple of reasons, but they all are some variation of the fact that I don't want my grandmother's funeral to become or enable a focus on my differences from and with my extended family. At all. And I want to avoid that completely. I selfishly don't want things to be about me, I don't want questions, I don't want to sing, I don't want to be overwhelmed, I just want to go hug my mama and fix her plates and rub her feet.
I know that depending on which scholar I listen to I'm not supposed to go to the funeral anyway. Part of me doesn't want to go. I don't like funerals. I don't like my grandparent's church (this is where my mother and all my aunts were married.) I prefer burials, when things are quiet and the body is returned to the earth. Islamic funeral prayers and burials are just my style, really.
But. My mother has asked it. So much of my life in Alabama has been funerals, looking at the orange and white sandy ground while preachers say things and people brush tissues over their faces. InshaAllah I'll go to Tuskegee and play things by ear from there.
Logistics won't be fun. I guess I'll be making the ride down and back with my youngest aunt and uncle. I'm broke and I'm looking for work; I don't know if the school where I'm teaching will actually hire me back for both morning and evening sessions (it's month to month work until I'm full time, one session left to teach for that to happen), and I don't know where the money to travel will come from. I have a final exam to administer on Thursday evening; if perhaps I give it on Wednesday and let the students turn in their final book reports on Thursday, I could turn in the paperwork in order to actually be able to leave on Thursday night or Friday morning... I was going to use the time to look for jobs but... and, oh, yeah, Friday just happens to be my 26th birthday. And I thought the last one sucked. At least now I don't have to wonder about what I'm going to do. And I'll get to be around my cousins and my sibs and my family. *sigh*. I'm reaching for Allah right now, to help me know how to act.
You know, my grandmother had a great life. She kicked ass. As much as we disagreed, she gave me the best gift I have- my mother. For that alone I should celebrate the fact that she was here. and ask for God to keep her now that she's not. I'm mixed up, but I know that I'm grateful for that much.
But my grandmother has died, and she didn't die alone; my mother was with her. Pray for them, pray for us.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Supreme Court takes Race Out Of Schools...
peace,
Now, posting every 10 days or so...
Sorry. The important thing: Are y'all watching?
ARE YOU WATCHING?!!
It'd be extremist to say that next Brown vs. Board will be overturned. On the other hand, what measures will be used to make sure that the intent of the Brown v. Board rulings will be upheld?
Check whatever news outlet you use to see. This isn't a joke. And if we're not careful no one will even see any segregation and inequality as a problem.
Are you watching?
peace
TwennyTwo
Now, posting every 10 days or so...
Sorry. The important thing: Are y'all watching?
ARE YOU WATCHING?!!
It'd be extremist to say that next Brown vs. Board will be overturned. On the other hand, what measures will be used to make sure that the intent of the Brown v. Board rulings will be upheld?
Check whatever news outlet you use to see. This isn't a joke. And if we're not careful no one will even see any segregation and inequality as a problem.
Are you watching?
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, June 18, 2007
I be thinkin', that's all
peace,
InshaAllah y'all are all doing really well.
I've come to the conclusion that I know nothing. It's up to me to be/get motivated in my life, so we'll see where that goes.
I'm also boy-crazy and going through puberty at the great late age of twennyfive. Yeah. Take all the fun symptoms from when you were 12-20 and then start them over at 25. Nuts, I tell you, nuts, and I don't want to get into particulars but this is NOT. Fun.
I've decided to begin marathon training again, in order to run the half-marathon in Cincinnati next May. If, inshaAllah, I make it through that (I've got something to prove) without killing myself, I'll look at either the Marine Corps Marathon or the NYC Marathon but we gotta take this one at a time! Remember, I barely have any sort of income, here.
I've registered (or, begun the registration process, rather) for a taribah (spelling) and ilm camp in Maryland shortly after my birthday. InshaAllah I can find a ride and actually go. I think it'll be a start. if I don't keep Islamic retreats and learning on the forefront of my activities, I'llstart to slide. Not what I want.
I'm working on applying to the position my father sent to me through my mother. And, I'm starting as an independent contractor *sigh* with an ESL school very close to my apt during the week, and working at The Grocery Store for the release and physical work on the weekends. So pray for patience and motivation to prepare properly and prevent piss poor performance at this new position. I've always hated lesson planning, but now I know it's key. I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight, and tomorrow's my first day of class.
Mama always did give me this thought, though: "Don't worry about being the new teacher. As horrible as it could be, you still know more than they do."
***
I want to get married. I need to get married.
Marriage is a very real thing to me. I'm just going to keep saying that so it's clear. Or until something changes. I've found that to be a very effective way of changing- keeping whatever it is I want to change right out in front of me until I get ticked off and make it change.
On less of an update tip, I've been thinking... on working on myself more. I be boycrazy, it's a fact of life that I've given up hoping will go away. But I also think about things that I want to change and, more importantly, things that I need to learn to accept.
I want a nice house with a partnering, leading husband and lots of kids. But even though I'm clean, I'm not neat and pretty disorganized to the eye at times. How do I work on that?
My finances are a wreck, I'm saving very slowly, a certain freely associated state government owes me money but can't take back the damage already done- and I want to change that. How do I work on that?
I'd love to talk or even communicate better with my family. How do I do that? This is no small matter- my grandmother is in intensive care, and I found out incidentally. WTH? And, I'm very ambivalent about her illness. I want her to be well, to get better so much, and yet... I feel like I don't know her, and what I do know, I don't like. I want to find great depths of compassion for her because she is my grandmother and that's my duty. But I've never had a huge amount of regard for things I should do just because they're my duty. How do I work on that?
I don't own a computer or a car, two very crucial methods of connection for me. How do I change that?
Yeah. Workin' on it.
Please make dua'a for my roomate. She's just broken off an engagement and needs all the support and prayers she can get. It's not the best situation and she's hurting and a real marvel of a woman to be functioning this far, so keep her in mind.
And do drop a comment to let me know you've been by!
ma salaama
TwennyTwo
InshaAllah y'all are all doing really well.
I've come to the conclusion that I know nothing. It's up to me to be/get motivated in my life, so we'll see where that goes.
I'm also boy-crazy and going through puberty at the great late age of twennyfive. Yeah. Take all the fun symptoms from when you were 12-20 and then start them over at 25. Nuts, I tell you, nuts, and I don't want to get into particulars but this is NOT. Fun.
I've decided to begin marathon training again, in order to run the half-marathon in Cincinnati next May. If, inshaAllah, I make it through that (I've got something to prove) without killing myself, I'll look at either the Marine Corps Marathon or the NYC Marathon but we gotta take this one at a time! Remember, I barely have any sort of income, here.
I've registered (or, begun the registration process, rather) for a taribah (spelling) and ilm camp in Maryland shortly after my birthday. InshaAllah I can find a ride and actually go. I think it'll be a start. if I don't keep Islamic retreats and learning on the forefront of my activities, I'llstart to slide. Not what I want.
I'm working on applying to the position my father sent to me through my mother. And, I'm starting as an independent contractor *sigh* with an ESL school very close to my apt during the week, and working at The Grocery Store for the release and physical work on the weekends. So pray for patience and motivation to prepare properly and prevent piss poor performance at this new position. I've always hated lesson planning, but now I know it's key. I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight, and tomorrow's my first day of class.
Mama always did give me this thought, though: "Don't worry about being the new teacher. As horrible as it could be, you still know more than they do."
***
I want to get married. I need to get married.
Marriage is a very real thing to me. I'm just going to keep saying that so it's clear. Or until something changes. I've found that to be a very effective way of changing- keeping whatever it is I want to change right out in front of me until I get ticked off and make it change.
On less of an update tip, I've been thinking... on working on myself more. I be boycrazy, it's a fact of life that I've given up hoping will go away. But I also think about things that I want to change and, more importantly, things that I need to learn to accept.
I want a nice house with a partnering, leading husband and lots of kids. But even though I'm clean, I'm not neat and pretty disorganized to the eye at times. How do I work on that?
My finances are a wreck, I'm saving very slowly, a certain freely associated state government owes me money but can't take back the damage already done- and I want to change that. How do I work on that?
I'd love to talk or even communicate better with my family. How do I do that? This is no small matter- my grandmother is in intensive care, and I found out incidentally. WTH? And, I'm very ambivalent about her illness. I want her to be well, to get better so much, and yet... I feel like I don't know her, and what I do know, I don't like. I want to find great depths of compassion for her because she is my grandmother and that's my duty. But I've never had a huge amount of regard for things I should do just because they're my duty. How do I work on that?
I don't own a computer or a car, two very crucial methods of connection for me. How do I change that?
Yeah. Workin' on it.
Please make dua'a for my roomate. She's just broken off an engagement and needs all the support and prayers she can get. It's not the best situation and she's hurting and a real marvel of a woman to be functioning this far, so keep her in mind.
And do drop a comment to let me know you've been by!
ma salaama
TwennyTwo
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Vignettes: kunecshuns
peace,
It has been a while. I've missed writing so much that I feel slightly out of touch. Or maybe it's that I feel very out of touch in my life generally. Whichever the case, if I wrote all that I have waiting inside from what I've done and seen and felt since I 'left', I'd never get it all out. And I need to get it out so badly that I took a Zipcar and rented a computer to do so...
Thus short scenes for now.
*Oh, and I've made major and minor changes to names so I don't out my friends. And being that several things happened a good time ago, it may be slightly adjusted to fit my failing memory. Okay? Okay.
****
awesome pad thai lunch in Tenleytown with Reea and Leila before Reea goes back to Cairo
"Yo, Reea, I need your address. So I can write you and remind you what's going on here."
Yeah? Well, it's Reea AbuKasim*...
Do I need to write it in Arabic?
*giggles from Reea* no, silly. Write it in English.
i finish addresses and write name in Arabic, doodling.
Oh, wow, you write really well in Arabic. That's better than I would write it.
MashaAllah. Yeah even after all that class in Arabic, I can't write well. I can read Qur'an but writing...
Same. Where did you learn?
Alma Mater, two semesters before I decided to actually try and graduate on time. Is that how you would write it in Arabic?
Yeah, except it's with a 'Q'.
What is it with Egyptians and 'q'? You and Mahmood both dropped the Q off of qari on the trip. And now you write your name with a Q... so would it be AbuAsim, then?
Yeah, they do, don't they?
No, its AbuKasim with a K. My friend writes it with a Q in English and I'm like, "who is this person?!" Yeah, and we turn J to G. There is no G inside Egypt.
So you all go to Goomah on Friday? Ohhhh man.
Awesome qari's though. Or Aris.
Speaking of aris, you know who's a good one?
Mahmood surprised me.
Is he a good ari?
(Reea and I at once) Incredible. MashaAllah.
****
The song "Party like a Rockstar" zaps my eardrum. I switch to the other ear, as my sister's voicemail clicks on...
This is To's phone. My phone is currently broken? So if you would, leave a message, and also leave a return phone number.
"S*$&!! Daggonit!"
The cellset bounces off the bedquilt onto the pillow and almost misses slipping to the hardwood floor.
****
Getting to work, part I
I'm due to clock in at 2:30 PM, and leave my house at 1:45. I decide to be smart and spend the $18 on a cab from my hood and be on time instead of chancing the metro.
"You're headed to Old Town, so you might want to take 110."
"110? If it is on Washington, it will be better to take the GW Parkway."
"Are you sure? Last week GW was backed up."
"I am positive, miss, you will be faster this way. The parkway, it turns into Washington."
"I just don't want to be late, if you can get there safely and quickly, take GW if you want to."
The driver lets out a half-impatient breath and turns froom N. Moore around past the Church Atop The Gas Station and heads toward the Iwo Jima and the Rt. 50/I-66 George Washington Parkway connect.
BOOM.
"Ay, Señor!" It seems sequential. Blink at the crunch screech sound. Then my neck stretches forward, barely convincing my head to stick with my torso while it starts, what the?!!? and time gets back on track.
"Are you okay?" I ask the driver, who's yet to say a word. He nods, snaps the belt, parks the brake and gets out to flay the cabdriver in the same colors who's rear-ended him, both in rapid-fire Urdu.
Ten minutes later they walk back and open my door.
"Miss? You are all right? Are you hurt? Do you need the hospital?"
It's 2:13 on May 31st, the day my insurance from Previous Job ends. I pray I'm okay, tell the driver to keep going or I'll be horifically late. They hang back as I, more than a bit hysterical, call my store.
my neck is sore. The driver isn't convinced, and tries to start the car toward the hospital. The engine refuses to turn over.
My store manager's voice is mercifully reassuring.
"Thank you for calling The Grocery Store in Alexandria, this is Lisette, how may I help you?"
Hey, Lisette, it's Twenny.
Hey Twenny, it's Lisette.
I'm supposed to be in at 2:30, but I'm in a cab and we've been rear ended on GW Parkway. I think I'm okay, but my neck is sore and I may have to go to the hospital.
I'm soo sorry, I dont' know if I'm going to make it on time.
You're on GW Parkway? in a cab? Rearended? Don't worry. Thanks for calling. Take the time you need, just call us back if you're not going to make it at all, okay?
Okay.
Okay, go get better!
Thanks Lisette. You rock.
Sigh.
I call my mother and ask her to pray. And then pray myself until the engine turns over.
****
*phone rings*
"SalaamuAlaikumHey, Taraal, what's going on?"
"Who dis?"
"Yo MAMA, who you think it is? It's Twenny, are you at the NOMADS concert?"
"Oh, hey, Twenny, what up girl? Alaikum Salaam...Naw... I decided not to go."
"What?! You made a big deal and invited me, and now you're not going? Elle said you were going, that's why she's so upset she couldn't go."
"I know, but my brother didn't want to come, I wanted to go with him and Elle..."
pause
"I see."
"You should still go, though. I love their music, and it's supposed to be $15 at the door."
"Aiight, I'll check it out, keep your phone on."
"Aiight, peace."
"Salaamualaikum".
****
forks clink at the pad thai lunch.
I can't believe we only met in April. I'm so glad I went to MSA.
Same. I almost didn't go.
Me, too, mashaAllah. I thought it was going to be all about dating and stupid guys looking at girls.
Well, it wasn't. But remember that first couple of hours?
Yeah?
WE were all looking at guys, too! Hello! Wasn't it the first couple of hours that Elle and I ended up talking to guys without even meaning to?
Oh man. Yeah it was like that, huh?
Egypt isn't like that, huh?
No way. I miss it but I'm going to miss you guys.
Yeah, that's right, are you coming back?
I want to come back for Christmas break. (Leila and I wince)
What do you call it?
Winter break.
Yeah, I say winter break. I mean, since I don't celebrate Christmas...
Hmm, you know who else is going? You're going back, Namita is going, Mahmood is going, Elle is going...
You guys are going to have a party without us!
Hmm. Maybe we should meet up while we're there.
I think Twenny and I need to get tickets!
Eh.
Eh what Twenny?
Nothing. I think I need to get over the whole 'I need to get married' thing.
You know, Egypt is a big place...
Dude. I don't want to think about that too hard.
You know, I need to think about losing some weight. My mom is gonna look at me at the airport and put me on a diet.
I WISH my mama would look at me and put me on a diet. I hate controlling what I eat. That's why I love Ramadan.
Yeah? I always eat too much during Ramadan.
Makes my stomach shrink. I always end up losing 25 pounds.
Yeah, and it's getting hotter then, right?
Isn't it supposed to be late September this year? That's going to be warm.
I'm sweating already.
Wait until June July Ramadan. I've been trying to fast lately, and it ain't easy. It's not really even summer yet.
I know, right? I was born during Ramadan, apparently.
Your poor mom.
Well, she wasn't Muslim, right?
No. But are there extra blessings for that or something? To be born in the middle of a summer Ramadan? Or, shoot, being pregnant in the middle of the summer? Can I get some of that for her?
*laughter all around*
****
Getting to work part II
"Bonjour, thank you for calling The Grocery Store in Old Town Alexandria! This is Zeke TheBoyManager, what can I do for you today?"
Hey Zeke, it's Twenny.
Hey Twenny, what's goin' on.
I'm on the Metro. It's stuck at Pentagon City on a 30 minute delay.
How long?
Thirty flippin' minutes.
So you're going to be how late?
*sigh* I'll take a cab. I hope I'll only be 10 minutes late, but I doubt it, since everybody and their mama is trying to do the same thing.
Well it's Saturday and we're really busy.
I know. That's why I left an HOUR ahead of time, but apparently the Metro people have big ideas, doing track work on the busiest line on the biggest graduation and tourism weekend ever.
Get here when you can.
Okay, will do.
I squeaked in only 5 minutes and twenty dollars after I was supposed to. Zeke has my till ready and waiting and slips me into the rotation almost before Lisette can notice I'm late.
****
Walking back to my house from a successful teaching interview on the insanely close N. Moore street, wearing nice interviewing clothes and what's probably a distracted expression.
"Assalamu Alaikum"
I barely turn my head "Wa Alaikum Salaam" then think about it and turn to at least give a charitable smile to the brother who's greeted me.
The security guard is uniformed, spic-and-span right up to his hat, outside of the garage where the cars of the Pentagon workers laze all day while their owners either bark or follow orders in the buildings I see from my bedroom windows. I'd've mistaken him for a black man, like so many others who always try to holla on the Metro, the street, their cars, but...
"How are you today, sister?"
"I'm doing well, and yourself?"
"HamdulIllah. Sister, where are you from?"
Here we go. "I'm American!"
"American? From where?"
"Nam, inni Amrikiya, from Ohio, thanks."
"You look nice in higaab."
I flash back to Reea and laugh. I'm not mad at his look, subtle and yet definitely appreciative.
"You're from Egypt, right?"
****
Twenny, don't hang up, baby.
Hi Mommy!
Hi Baby! How are you! It's good to hear your voice.
I'm okay.
That's good. Pray for your brother. He's really frustrated right now, since I had to drive him to work today out in what your father calls EastWestJesus. He needs a car.
(we both crack up)
Mama! It can't be that far! Is it? Is it out past Kings Island?
It's further than that- I said East West Jesus! Past Mason, all those folks. And you know your brother, he wants what he wants right this second.
I know. It's hard being like that, I can relate though I'm not that impatient. It's hard not having what you need. I'll talk to him.
So how's the job search?
Looks like I'm going to get the ESL job, but they're going to hire me as an independent contractor.
Oops, I don't like the sound of that. Next.
Well, wait!
Okay, I'm listening.
The first three monthly are considered probation. After that I get to join the staff with a W-2. T And it is right near my house, and I won't have to quit at Grocery Store, so I can get their benefits and still have fun while I work SOMEwhere.
*sigh* Okay... Did you get the email I forwarded from your father? He's always thinking about you all. There's a job that would be perfect for you, in recruiting.
Yes, I just haven't had a time to open it. Comcast is trying to cut our internet, and my roomie's computer hasn't been connecting. I go to Kinko's next to my job, but it's expensive.
Why don't you ask your Aunt to use hers?
I dont' have the time. I work at night.... and to tell the truth, I just really want my own. I'm really feeling baby bro right now. Cars and computers are expensive yet necessary and personal electronics, and it's hard dealing without your own to do with as you please.
I hear you. I'll send you some money...
No. No, Mommy, I don't want to ask you for money. I'm just saying it's hard is all. That's why I'll be working two jobs again. I can get it if I work hard enough, right? Just... keep sending the job applications, I'll make it work. Can we talk about that?
...The thing about this job is that it's here. You wouldn't have to see your father and me all the time, though. Your sister and brother are here and we don't see them all that much.
Mommy, my problem with your house isn't YOU. If y'all moved here I'd be a happy chick. My problem with Cincinnati is the city itself. I feel so stuck. As much as I complain about taking hours to get to work here when it takes 15 minutes in a car, at least I have that option. I don't want to end up like JW, all frustrated, with no cultural options.... I'll fill out that application, though. It does sound like me.
****
(at the Grocery Store, one of my co-workers has returned after an absence.)
"Hey twennyGirl, wah'ya'doin'? Y'work tomorroah?"
"Hey Timo, nope, no work for me! I'll be preparing for this class I have to teach starting next week though, that or sleeping."
"Den I wanna see ya at the reggae club, yah, nonna dis Ah Gotta Work, nonna dis sleepin'."
"Um... I dunno, Timo. I want to go, it sounds cool, but..."
"It doan' go long. Start 'bout 10, I never stay past 11:30."
"I'll think about it."
Timoteo... now there's something I'll get into later. Last night I watched 10:00 come and go. I wish I could say that I didn't regret it, but it gets back to that one theme...
peace
TwennyTwo
It has been a while. I've missed writing so much that I feel slightly out of touch. Or maybe it's that I feel very out of touch in my life generally. Whichever the case, if I wrote all that I have waiting inside from what I've done and seen and felt since I 'left', I'd never get it all out. And I need to get it out so badly that I took a Zipcar and rented a computer to do so...
Thus short scenes for now.
*Oh, and I've made major and minor changes to names so I don't out my friends. And being that several things happened a good time ago, it may be slightly adjusted to fit my failing memory. Okay? Okay.
****
awesome pad thai lunch in Tenleytown with Reea and Leila before Reea goes back to Cairo
"Yo, Reea, I need your address. So I can write you and remind you what's going on here."
Yeah? Well, it's Reea AbuKasim*...
Do I need to write it in Arabic?
*giggles from Reea* no, silly. Write it in English.
i finish addresses and write name in Arabic, doodling.
Oh, wow, you write really well in Arabic. That's better than I would write it.
MashaAllah. Yeah even after all that class in Arabic, I can't write well. I can read Qur'an but writing...
Same. Where did you learn?
Alma Mater, two semesters before I decided to actually try and graduate on time. Is that how you would write it in Arabic?
Yeah, except it's with a 'Q'.
What is it with Egyptians and 'q'? You and Mahmood both dropped the Q off of qari on the trip. And now you write your name with a Q... so would it be AbuAsim, then?
Yeah, they do, don't they?
No, its AbuKasim with a K. My friend writes it with a Q in English and I'm like, "who is this person?!" Yeah, and we turn J to G. There is no G inside Egypt.
So you all go to Goomah on Friday? Ohhhh man.
Awesome qari's though. Or Aris.
Speaking of aris, you know who's a good one?
Mahmood surprised me.
Is he a good ari?
(Reea and I at once) Incredible. MashaAllah.
****
The song "Party like a Rockstar" zaps my eardrum. I switch to the other ear, as my sister's voicemail clicks on...
This is To's phone. My phone is currently broken? So if you would, leave a message, and also leave a return phone number.
"S*$&!! Daggonit!"
The cellset bounces off the bedquilt onto the pillow and almost misses slipping to the hardwood floor.
****
Getting to work, part I
I'm due to clock in at 2:30 PM, and leave my house at 1:45. I decide to be smart and spend the $18 on a cab from my hood and be on time instead of chancing the metro.
"You're headed to Old Town, so you might want to take 110."
"110? If it is on Washington, it will be better to take the GW Parkway."
"Are you sure? Last week GW was backed up."
"I am positive, miss, you will be faster this way. The parkway, it turns into Washington."
"I just don't want to be late, if you can get there safely and quickly, take GW if you want to."
The driver lets out a half-impatient breath and turns froom N. Moore around past the Church Atop The Gas Station and heads toward the Iwo Jima and the Rt. 50/I-66 George Washington Parkway connect.
BOOM.
"Ay, Señor!" It seems sequential. Blink at the crunch screech sound. Then my neck stretches forward, barely convincing my head to stick with my torso while it starts, what the?!!? and time gets back on track.
"Are you okay?" I ask the driver, who's yet to say a word. He nods, snaps the belt, parks the brake and gets out to flay the cabdriver in the same colors who's rear-ended him, both in rapid-fire Urdu.
Ten minutes later they walk back and open my door.
"Miss? You are all right? Are you hurt? Do you need the hospital?"
It's 2:13 on May 31st, the day my insurance from Previous Job ends. I pray I'm okay, tell the driver to keep going or I'll be horifically late. They hang back as I, more than a bit hysterical, call my store.
my neck is sore. The driver isn't convinced, and tries to start the car toward the hospital. The engine refuses to turn over.
My store manager's voice is mercifully reassuring.
"Thank you for calling The Grocery Store in Alexandria, this is Lisette, how may I help you?"
Hey, Lisette, it's Twenny.
Hey Twenny, it's Lisette.
I'm supposed to be in at 2:30, but I'm in a cab and we've been rear ended on GW Parkway. I think I'm okay, but my neck is sore and I may have to go to the hospital.
I'm soo sorry, I dont' know if I'm going to make it on time.
You're on GW Parkway? in a cab? Rearended? Don't worry. Thanks for calling. Take the time you need, just call us back if you're not going to make it at all, okay?
Okay.
Okay, go get better!
Thanks Lisette. You rock.
Sigh.
I call my mother and ask her to pray. And then pray myself until the engine turns over.
****
In my InBox:
Hello, TwennyTwo!
Taraal Firaun has invited you to an event: Notorious Male Arabs Discussing Stuff.
To accept this FaceBook invitation... blah blah blah.
*phone rings*
"SalaamuAlaikumHey, Taraal, what's going on?"
"Who dis?"
"Yo MAMA, who you think it is? It's Twenny, are you at the NOMADS concert?"
"Oh, hey, Twenny, what up girl? Alaikum Salaam...Naw... I decided not to go."
"What?! You made a big deal and invited me, and now you're not going? Elle said you were going, that's why she's so upset she couldn't go."
"I know, but my brother didn't want to come, I wanted to go with him and Elle..."
pause
"I see."
"You should still go, though. I love their music, and it's supposed to be $15 at the door."
"Aiight, I'll check it out, keep your phone on."
"Aiight, peace."
"Salaamualaikum".
****
forks clink at the pad thai lunch.
I can't believe we only met in April. I'm so glad I went to MSA.
Same. I almost didn't go.
Me, too, mashaAllah. I thought it was going to be all about dating and stupid guys looking at girls.
Well, it wasn't. But remember that first couple of hours?
Yeah?
WE were all looking at guys, too! Hello! Wasn't it the first couple of hours that Elle and I ended up talking to guys without even meaning to?
Oh man. Yeah it was like that, huh?
Egypt isn't like that, huh?
No way. I miss it but I'm going to miss you guys.
Yeah, that's right, are you coming back?
I want to come back for Christmas break. (Leila and I wince)
What do you call it?
Winter break.
Yeah, I say winter break. I mean, since I don't celebrate Christmas...
Hmm, you know who else is going? You're going back, Namita is going, Mahmood is going, Elle is going...
You guys are going to have a party without us!
Hmm. Maybe we should meet up while we're there.
I think Twenny and I need to get tickets!
Eh.
Eh what Twenny?
Nothing. I think I need to get over the whole 'I need to get married' thing.
You know, Egypt is a big place...
Dude. I don't want to think about that too hard.
You know, I need to think about losing some weight. My mom is gonna look at me at the airport and put me on a diet.
I WISH my mama would look at me and put me on a diet. I hate controlling what I eat. That's why I love Ramadan.
Yeah? I always eat too much during Ramadan.
Makes my stomach shrink. I always end up losing 25 pounds.
Yeah, and it's getting hotter then, right?
Isn't it supposed to be late September this year? That's going to be warm.
I'm sweating already.
Wait until June July Ramadan. I've been trying to fast lately, and it ain't easy. It's not really even summer yet.
I know, right? I was born during Ramadan, apparently.
Your poor mom.
Well, she wasn't Muslim, right?
No. But are there extra blessings for that or something? To be born in the middle of a summer Ramadan? Or, shoot, being pregnant in the middle of the summer? Can I get some of that for her?
*laughter all around*
****
Getting to work part II
"Bonjour, thank you for calling The Grocery Store in Old Town Alexandria! This is Zeke TheBoyManager, what can I do for you today?"
Hey Zeke, it's Twenny.
Hey Twenny, what's goin' on.
I'm on the Metro. It's stuck at Pentagon City on a 30 minute delay.
How long?
Thirty flippin' minutes.
So you're going to be how late?
*sigh* I'll take a cab. I hope I'll only be 10 minutes late, but I doubt it, since everybody and their mama is trying to do the same thing.
Well it's Saturday and we're really busy.
I know. That's why I left an HOUR ahead of time, but apparently the Metro people have big ideas, doing track work on the busiest line on the biggest graduation and tourism weekend ever.
Get here when you can.
Okay, will do.
I squeaked in only 5 minutes and twenty dollars after I was supposed to. Zeke has my till ready and waiting and slips me into the rotation almost before Lisette can notice I'm late.
****
Walking back to my house from a successful teaching interview on the insanely close N. Moore street, wearing nice interviewing clothes and what's probably a distracted expression.
"Assalamu Alaikum"
I barely turn my head "Wa Alaikum Salaam" then think about it and turn to at least give a charitable smile to the brother who's greeted me.
The security guard is uniformed, spic-and-span right up to his hat, outside of the garage where the cars of the Pentagon workers laze all day while their owners either bark or follow orders in the buildings I see from my bedroom windows. I'd've mistaken him for a black man, like so many others who always try to holla on the Metro, the street, their cars, but...
"How are you today, sister?"
"I'm doing well, and yourself?"
"HamdulIllah. Sister, where are you from?"
Here we go. "I'm American!"
"American? From where?"
"Nam, inni Amrikiya, from Ohio, thanks."
"You look nice in higaab."
I flash back to Reea and laugh. I'm not mad at his look, subtle and yet definitely appreciative.
"You're from Egypt, right?"
****
"You've reached five one three, seven seven seven, ninety-three, eleven. Please leave a message after the tone. BEEP!"
Hi, I just wanted to say h--
Twenny, don't hang up, baby.
Hi Mommy!
Hi Baby! How are you! It's good to hear your voice.
I'm okay.
That's good. Pray for your brother. He's really frustrated right now, since I had to drive him to work today out in what your father calls EastWestJesus. He needs a car.
(we both crack up)
Mama! It can't be that far! Is it? Is it out past Kings Island?
It's further than that- I said East West Jesus! Past Mason, all those folks. And you know your brother, he wants what he wants right this second.
I know. It's hard being like that, I can relate though I'm not that impatient. It's hard not having what you need. I'll talk to him.
So how's the job search?
Looks like I'm going to get the ESL job, but they're going to hire me as an independent contractor.
Oops, I don't like the sound of that. Next.
Well, wait!
Okay, I'm listening.
The first three monthly are considered probation. After that I get to join the staff with a W-2. T And it is right near my house, and I won't have to quit at Grocery Store, so I can get their benefits and still have fun while I work SOMEwhere.
*sigh* Okay... Did you get the email I forwarded from your father? He's always thinking about you all. There's a job that would be perfect for you, in recruiting.
Yes, I just haven't had a time to open it. Comcast is trying to cut our internet, and my roomie's computer hasn't been connecting. I go to Kinko's next to my job, but it's expensive.
Why don't you ask your Aunt to use hers?
I dont' have the time. I work at night.... and to tell the truth, I just really want my own. I'm really feeling baby bro right now. Cars and computers are expensive yet necessary and personal electronics, and it's hard dealing without your own to do with as you please.
I hear you. I'll send you some money...
No. No, Mommy, I don't want to ask you for money. I'm just saying it's hard is all. That's why I'll be working two jobs again. I can get it if I work hard enough, right? Just... keep sending the job applications, I'll make it work. Can we talk about that?
...The thing about this job is that it's here. You wouldn't have to see your father and me all the time, though. Your sister and brother are here and we don't see them all that much.
Mommy, my problem with your house isn't YOU. If y'all moved here I'd be a happy chick. My problem with Cincinnati is the city itself. I feel so stuck. As much as I complain about taking hours to get to work here when it takes 15 minutes in a car, at least I have that option. I don't want to end up like JW, all frustrated, with no cultural options.... I'll fill out that application, though. It does sound like me.
****
(at the Grocery Store, one of my co-workers has returned after an absence.)
"Hey twennyGirl, wah'ya'doin'? Y'work tomorroah?"
"Hey Timo, nope, no work for me! I'll be preparing for this class I have to teach starting next week though, that or sleeping."
"Den I wanna see ya at the reggae club, yah, nonna dis Ah Gotta Work, nonna dis sleepin'."
"Um... I dunno, Timo. I want to go, it sounds cool, but..."
"It doan' go long. Start 'bout 10, I never stay past 11:30."
"I'll think about it."
Timoteo... now there's something I'll get into later. Last night I watched 10:00 come and go. I wish I could say that I didn't regret it, but it gets back to that one theme...
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Comments on Pew Survey for UmmZ
peace,
I know, I know, has been a while, right? I'm alive! And well! And looking for jobs! AlhamdulIllah.
I'm not sure what's going on, but UmmZaid has posted a VERY interesting breakdown of the recent Pew survey on Amurrican muslims. I couldn't leave a comment there, so basically I'm cutting and pasting what I wanted to say, here:
Assalamu Alaikum,
Okay, my first reaction is, "can you send your Excellent mashaAllah breakdown to the Pew people?" *licks 42 cent stamp*
Results aside we need more people willing to find and break these things down. Thank you. I guess I'll have to get into results later but the main thing is that I WOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT OUT of this survey and that stinks. If they KNEW they were leaving out at least 20 percent of the population, how come they didn't take steps to correct that? I'm just sayin'.
Because my name? Will not change. Allah knows my name regardless of what people call me. Hmph.
jazakAllah khair
TwennyTwo
What do y'all think? Check it out.
ONNNN other notes... masjid. Yeah, it fell through. Of course, at this point I'm not upset, I'll keep trying. Not sure where I'll go, though. While I was working and thus had to go out on Rt. 1 for work with (an expensive) Zipcar anyhow, I was going to Juma'h at ICNA's house-masjid (it's so cuuuute!) next to the Firestone (those of you who've lived in the urrea know that one). But they charge an arm and a leg for classes and are very bad about follow-up. I think I may try Masjid Muhammad next, the one that's up near Howard U. Thing is, I don''t know where exactly it is. I have a good idea- my awesome friends Shabana and Svend took me to dinner over near there once (NEXT ONE IS MY TREAT!!) and I've got a good sense of direction... but do I really want to be wandering over in that area just before juma'h on a Friday, is the question. So let me know if you know.
Meanwhile Ima put my bugging skills to work until the brothers at ADAMS realize I'm serious and just call me to say, "hey, Sis. Twenny, we're working on it and haven't forgotten you" which is really all I'm asking for a this point. That, and I'm making dua'a for another good day job so I can get me a piece'o'car.
yeah.
So many posts up in my mind. On ambition, on why I LOVE my grocery store job, on the people I've encountered there (funny and sad), on what I want to DO with my life... gee, I sound very twenty-ish, huh? I just thought of another on living 'alone' versus living with shared goals, because that's becoming something very important to me lately. And I'm going to make some design changes around here inshaAllah, because this page is just too gloomy, and as I've learned from using roomie's comp, it doesn't load well on Macs at all.
inshaAllah soon. may you all be blessed in the meantime.
peace
TwennyTwo
I know, I know, has been a while, right? I'm alive! And well! And looking for jobs! AlhamdulIllah.
I'm not sure what's going on, but UmmZaid has posted a VERY interesting breakdown of the recent Pew survey on Amurrican muslims. I couldn't leave a comment there, so basically I'm cutting and pasting what I wanted to say, here:
Assalamu Alaikum,
Okay, my first reaction is, "can you send your Excellent mashaAllah breakdown to the Pew people?" *licks 42 cent stamp*
Results aside we need more people willing to find and break these things down. Thank you. I guess I'll have to get into results later but the main thing is that I WOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT OUT of this survey and that stinks. If they KNEW they were leaving out at least 20 percent of the population, how come they didn't take steps to correct that? I'm just sayin'.
Because my name? Will not change. Allah knows my name regardless of what people call me. Hmph.
jazakAllah khair
TwennyTwo
What do y'all think? Check it out.
ONNNN other notes... masjid. Yeah, it fell through. Of course, at this point I'm not upset, I'll keep trying. Not sure where I'll go, though. While I was working and thus had to go out on Rt. 1 for work with (an expensive) Zipcar anyhow, I was going to Juma'h at ICNA's house-masjid (it's so cuuuute!) next to the Firestone (those of you who've lived in the urrea know that one). But they charge an arm and a leg for classes and are very bad about follow-up. I think I may try Masjid Muhammad next, the one that's up near Howard U. Thing is, I don''t know where exactly it is. I have a good idea- my awesome friends Shabana and Svend took me to dinner over near there once (NEXT ONE IS MY TREAT!!) and I've got a good sense of direction... but do I really want to be wandering over in that area just before juma'h on a Friday, is the question. So let me know if you know.
Meanwhile Ima put my bugging skills to work until the brothers at ADAMS realize I'm serious and just call me to say, "hey, Sis. Twenny, we're working on it and haven't forgotten you" which is really all I'm asking for a this point. That, and I'm making dua'a for another good day job so I can get me a piece'o'car.
yeah.
So many posts up in my mind. On ambition, on why I LOVE my grocery store job, on the people I've encountered there (funny and sad), on what I want to DO with my life... gee, I sound very twenty-ish, huh? I just thought of another on living 'alone' versus living with shared goals, because that's becoming something very important to me lately. And I'm going to make some design changes around here inshaAllah, because this page is just too gloomy, and as I've learned from using roomie's comp, it doesn't load well on Macs at all.
inshaAllah soon. may you all be blessed in the meantime.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Allahu Alim, wa alhamdulIllah al haqq.
peace
They got him.
I'm no longer working there and the drama is done. I was considering working for this org after everything was finished. I doubt it. Right now I'm just tired.
They got him.
Friday I left the office at 2PM never to return, sad and worried that my intern would have to deal with someone I saw as a predator who doesn't know how to treat women. But after warning her, I could do no more. So I left.
Saturday was my last day working for that organization (I helped with a training that I started). When I talked to my direct supervisor as she came in to relive me (after two sleepless nights, really) she let me know that the reason the alarm had been changed on our building that morning was that they'd had to let that man go. Apparently he'd left some graphic pictures (!!) on the common (!!!) work (!!!) server. They were found, and it had to have been right after I left that he was summarily dismissed.
So thank you to everyone for your dua'a and watchfulness on that situation. I feel as if a weight has left me. I no longer have any problems with leaving that place. And as my former direct supervisor noted, the org. is in a hard place over staffing. It's no longer my problem at all.
peace
TwennyTwo
They got him.
I'm no longer working there and the drama is done. I was considering working for this org after everything was finished. I doubt it. Right now I'm just tired.
They got him.
Friday I left the office at 2PM never to return, sad and worried that my intern would have to deal with someone I saw as a predator who doesn't know how to treat women. But after warning her, I could do no more. So I left.
Saturday was my last day working for that organization (I helped with a training that I started). When I talked to my direct supervisor as she came in to relive me (after two sleepless nights, really) she let me know that the reason the alarm had been changed on our building that morning was that they'd had to let that man go. Apparently he'd left some graphic pictures (!!) on the common (!!!) work (!!!) server. They were found, and it had to have been right after I left that he was summarily dismissed.
So thank you to everyone for your dua'a and watchfulness on that situation. I feel as if a weight has left me. I no longer have any problems with leaving that place. And as my former direct supervisor noted, the org. is in a hard place over staffing. It's no longer my problem at all.
peace
TwennyTwo
Friday, May 04, 2007
peace,
Found this on Umm Zaid's page as I was browsing, and enjoyed it. She asks five questions; everyone gets to see the answers. Want in? See below!
1. Puerto Rico: What do you love about it?
Ayyyyy, what a question. This is what I love about Puerto Rico: I love the people. I revel in the humid, tropical, ever-changing, beautiful, warm weather (and lack of deciduous trees with their hyperallergenic pollen). I enjoy "long" drives just drinking in the changes from blue sea to dry desert to lush green cool mountains. It's truly a beautiful place, even in the slums of the city you find beauty and green
things growing everywhere. I love the song of the coqui, something I'll never forget that will always conjure up velvet nights spent talking with some of the brightest, kindest, industrious, most generous people I've ever met. I love the typical boricua accent and the mixture of Caribbean, Africa, USA, and Spain that you can dissect... and yet not... in everything you find there. I can't get over the way the island appears in my dreams. I love Puerto Rico for her revolutionary history and her ripe potential.
I noticed you didn't ask what I don't like, so I will keep this positive. There are so many things that can change, but many many that are wonderful.
2. You're on a desert island. You have 10 books. What are they?
Not counting the Qur'an?
Whoo! This is hard! I've loved so many books. In no particular order:
The collected works of Nikki Giovanni
A Tafsir (one bigole volume)
Blessings by Anna Quindlen
Hija de La Fortuna by Isabel Allende
the Logan Family saga by Mildred D. Taylor (hmmm is that a cheat?)
any of the books by any one of these three ladies- Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, Esmeralda Santiago, or Julia Alvarez- preferably in Spanish. I just can't pick and am so happy with them all.
Companions of the Prophet by Abdul Wahid Hamid- this has been an amazingly involving read, yo
any of Diane Mott Davidson's Goldy series (cooking sleuth, gotta love it)
La Sombra del Viento/The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos R. Zafon
Believing as Ourselves- J. Lynn Jones
booo only ten?!
3. What do you think you'll do this summer?
InshaAllah apply to nursing schools and high(er) paying, character-suitable day jobs. Have a birthday. Oh, and work at da Grocery Store nights. Find a way to get to ADAMS or other classes consistently. And pray on my roof under the stars while I have it ( lease is up in October). And maybe even learn Arabic? Hmm. So many possibilities...
4. Do you play games on the computer or regular video games? If so, what are your faves?
I actually don't play games on the computer- blogs are my games, since the only computer I have (okay, had) regular access to is at my day job. But back in the day I loved Zelda on SNES and Castles on the computer. I still play bejeweled and Collapse and Tetris on my cell, very rarely.
5. The state of Muslim youth: What do you see as positives for the future and what do you see as negative (for the community as a whole) in our future? What do you think we should be doing right now?
Beginning with the end, we need to be constantly, steadily getting people invested and involved in working on our educational systems, both what's thought of as 'true' pedagogy- the schools- and the outreach and educational capacities inherent in the gathering spaces that are our masajid.
Islamic schools need to be options that won't break people and are open to the general public, even those who aren't Muslim. They need to grow in enrollment and strength of curriculum every year. They need to be American, not "backhomelandish", since that's where we are and that's who these children are, and prepare them to live as Muslims within an American society, not to ghettoize or isolate ourselves. It's a balancing thing. This is an ideal, remember. And schools need to have people involved from the community as a whole just as GP, not just parents/grandparents, in order to have a further source of investment and push for the future.
As I was raised in the awesome community institution that was a strong black church (though it had its flaws I also know ideals because of it), I have in mind just a hint of what our ummah in the US can become if we utilize these outreach and communication tools properly. This begins with outreach that accepts and encounters people in the places where they are- be they into drugs, teen parents, all about the outer flash, superficial Christianity, etc.- in order to use the rational questioning that is such a basis for Islam to bring them closer to the light, without entering personal judgments into the picture. Become that great, good place with all sorts of people and knowledge of the deen and also area services, where everyone just naturally wants to be all the time because there's something that nourishes them there.
I am NOT saying give up Islamic ideals in order to approach young people; I wouldn't want to see brothers in silk and gold bling around young folks in order to 'do as they do' and make them feel comfortable. Rather, provide charity and examples to them in various ways (food, community fairs? 'Muslims in the Recording Studio/on the Radio events for youth? some sort of latin/northeast asian oriented activities? more things like Project Downtown, which is awesome, MashaAllah? Stoop Group youth meetings that aren't necessarily inside at the masjid, but in a park around where people actually live? Job fairs open to all but heavily recruiting to Muslim business or providing Muslim mentors to young people? I'm sure y'all have more ideas...), and live Islam, while going to find people where they are in order to have them accept where we are and in seeing prosperity and peace, have them want to know about it of their own accord. That's dawah that can change communities, and what I'm talking about is hard work.
I hope that made sense. It's hard to articulate what I see in my head.
Now, as for negatives in the community, from domestic to international- a substantial reason the american youth of the ummah don't have a whole lot of cohesiveness is the divisions and stereotypes fostered by our parents. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Many of us are handed the misconception that Islam cannot be US, cannot be American, cannot speak something besides English and Urdu/Arabic, can be American only if of backhomelandish descent. Not cool. Also? For the lack of the strong Islamic school alternative and parental ability to be everywhere at once, a lot of us are treading very fine lines on societal norms instead of creating them ourselves. And we don't know more about Islam than what's heard in the Khutbah on Fridays, because those of us who do are pushed to be more 'backhomelandish.
I'm not articulating this well, but the speaker at EZ on making our mark on Islam hit it when he said that we need to be useful to our community, to feel as if we're contributing with the uniquenesses that we're allowed to explore in the freedom that growing up in the USA creates, in order to attach ourselves to Islam here, make it our own, and see it grow. The short message was, don't all be doctors and lawyers and marry your own color/race/class/country of origin, because we need to branch out to be truly expanding here. Because right now we're stagnating and from denouncing Islam to being nominal Muslims to raising children as Muslims with haraam norms, it's not okay.
I will say this, though; Islam still has a draw for young people, and the few conferences that I've attended and the people I know bear that out very strongly. We're youthful and find strength in that, and we're of the generation that takes freedoms and uses them, and uses power in a very organic, natural diversity of Islam. I think I said some time ago that I was talking to a 19 year old Muslim at a university, just randomly, and was blown away- he was one of a group of kids in that particular place that not only had ideas but was acting on them. Entrepreneurship is our heritage, as is the willingness to get ahead and pull others up, and when young people aren't actively discouraged we come up with some wonderful ideas AND actions..
Thanks so much for my interview, I enjoyed it and inshaAllah someone will benefit from it. JazakhAllah khair.
Want to play?
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions (so you have to leave a valid email address). I get to pick the questions. And yes: email. Leave your address. I don't use haloscan, so use (at) h@tma!l, or other creative way to say it. I'll delete comments with emails.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
peace
TwennyTwo
Found this on Umm Zaid's page as I was browsing, and enjoyed it. She asks five questions; everyone gets to see the answers. Want in? See below!
1. Puerto Rico: What do you love about it?
Ayyyyy, what a question. This is what I love about Puerto Rico: I love the people. I revel in the humid, tropical, ever-changing, beautiful, warm weather (and lack of deciduous trees with their hyperallergenic pollen). I enjoy "long" drives just drinking in the changes from blue sea to dry desert to lush green cool mountains. It's truly a beautiful place, even in the slums of the city you find beauty and green
things growing everywhere. I love the song of the coqui, something I'll never forget that will always conjure up velvet nights spent talking with some of the brightest, kindest, industrious, most generous people I've ever met. I love the typical boricua accent and the mixture of Caribbean, Africa, USA, and Spain that you can dissect... and yet not... in everything you find there. I can't get over the way the island appears in my dreams. I love Puerto Rico for her revolutionary history and her ripe potential.
I noticed you didn't ask what I don't like, so I will keep this positive. There are so many things that can change, but many many that are wonderful.
2. You're on a desert island. You have 10 books. What are they?
Not counting the Qur'an?
Whoo! This is hard! I've loved so many books. In no particular order:
The collected works of Nikki Giovanni
A Tafsir (one bigole volume)
Blessings by Anna Quindlen
Hija de La Fortuna by Isabel Allende
the Logan Family saga by Mildred D. Taylor (hmmm is that a cheat?)
any of the books by any one of these three ladies- Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, Esmeralda Santiago, or Julia Alvarez- preferably in Spanish. I just can't pick and am so happy with them all.
Companions of the Prophet by Abdul Wahid Hamid- this has been an amazingly involving read, yo
any of Diane Mott Davidson's Goldy series (cooking sleuth, gotta love it)
La Sombra del Viento/The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos R. Zafon
Believing as Ourselves- J. Lynn Jones
booo only ten?!
3. What do you think you'll do this summer?
InshaAllah apply to nursing schools and high(er) paying, character-suitable day jobs. Have a birthday. Oh, and work at da Grocery Store nights. Find a way to get to ADAMS or other classes consistently. And pray on my roof under the stars while I have it ( lease is up in October). And maybe even learn Arabic? Hmm. So many possibilities...
4. Do you play games on the computer or regular video games? If so, what are your faves?
I actually don't play games on the computer- blogs are my games, since the only computer I have (okay, had) regular access to is at my day job. But back in the day I loved Zelda on SNES and Castles on the computer. I still play bejeweled and Collapse and Tetris on my cell, very rarely.
5. The state of Muslim youth: What do you see as positives for the future and what do you see as negative (for the community as a whole) in our future? What do you think we should be doing right now?
Beginning with the end, we need to be constantly, steadily getting people invested and involved in working on our educational systems, both what's thought of as 'true' pedagogy- the schools- and the outreach and educational capacities inherent in the gathering spaces that are our masajid.
Islamic schools need to be options that won't break people and are open to the general public, even those who aren't Muslim. They need to grow in enrollment and strength of curriculum every year. They need to be American, not "backhomelandish", since that's where we are and that's who these children are, and prepare them to live as Muslims within an American society, not to ghettoize or isolate ourselves. It's a balancing thing. This is an ideal, remember. And schools need to have people involved from the community as a whole just as GP, not just parents/grandparents, in order to have a further source of investment and push for the future.
As I was raised in the awesome community institution that was a strong black church (though it had its flaws I also know ideals because of it), I have in mind just a hint of what our ummah in the US can become if we utilize these outreach and communication tools properly. This begins with outreach that accepts and encounters people in the places where they are- be they into drugs, teen parents, all about the outer flash, superficial Christianity, etc.- in order to use the rational questioning that is such a basis for Islam to bring them closer to the light, without entering personal judgments into the picture. Become that great, good place with all sorts of people and knowledge of the deen and also area services, where everyone just naturally wants to be all the time because there's something that nourishes them there.
I am NOT saying give up Islamic ideals in order to approach young people; I wouldn't want to see brothers in silk and gold bling around young folks in order to 'do as they do' and make them feel comfortable. Rather, provide charity and examples to them in various ways (food, community fairs? 'Muslims in the Recording Studio/on the Radio events for youth? some sort of latin/northeast asian oriented activities? more things like Project Downtown, which is awesome, MashaAllah? Stoop Group youth meetings that aren't necessarily inside at the masjid, but in a park around where people actually live? Job fairs open to all but heavily recruiting to Muslim business or providing Muslim mentors to young people? I'm sure y'all have more ideas...), and live Islam, while going to find people where they are in order to have them accept where we are and in seeing prosperity and peace, have them want to know about it of their own accord. That's dawah that can change communities, and what I'm talking about is hard work.
I hope that made sense. It's hard to articulate what I see in my head.
Now, as for negatives in the community, from domestic to international- a substantial reason the american youth of the ummah don't have a whole lot of cohesiveness is the divisions and stereotypes fostered by our parents. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Many of us are handed the misconception that Islam cannot be US, cannot be American, cannot speak something besides English and Urdu/Arabic, can be American only if of backhomelandish descent. Not cool. Also? For the lack of the strong Islamic school alternative and parental ability to be everywhere at once, a lot of us are treading very fine lines on societal norms instead of creating them ourselves. And we don't know more about Islam than what's heard in the Khutbah on Fridays, because those of us who do are pushed to be more 'backhomelandish.
I'm not articulating this well, but the speaker at EZ on making our mark on Islam hit it when he said that we need to be useful to our community, to feel as if we're contributing with the uniquenesses that we're allowed to explore in the freedom that growing up in the USA creates, in order to attach ourselves to Islam here, make it our own, and see it grow. The short message was, don't all be doctors and lawyers and marry your own color/race/class/country of origin, because we need to branch out to be truly expanding here. Because right now we're stagnating and from denouncing Islam to being nominal Muslims to raising children as Muslims with haraam norms, it's not okay.
I will say this, though; Islam still has a draw for young people, and the few conferences that I've attended and the people I know bear that out very strongly. We're youthful and find strength in that, and we're of the generation that takes freedoms and uses them, and uses power in a very organic, natural diversity of Islam. I think I said some time ago that I was talking to a 19 year old Muslim at a university, just randomly, and was blown away- he was one of a group of kids in that particular place that not only had ideas but was acting on them. Entrepreneurship is our heritage, as is the willingness to get ahead and pull others up, and when young people aren't actively discouraged we come up with some wonderful ideas AND actions..
Thanks so much for my interview, I enjoyed it and inshaAllah someone will benefit from it. JazakhAllah khair.
Want to play?
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions (so you have to leave a valid email address). I get to pick the questions. And yes: email. Leave your address. I don't use haloscan, so use (at) h@tma!l, or other creative way to say it. I'll delete comments with emails.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
He's still there, but I'm not
peace,
Long story short, he got out of it somehow. I think he told the executive director, when she called from vacation to ask what was going on, that he had no idea who that woman was or how she had his number at work. Then called one of his women and cursed her out for calling our exec. director (a call I took) for some reason. You know what? I don't know what is going on... but only God truly does, so I'm trusting Him to resolve it to His will.
And truly? As my sister so succinctly put it, "You've got 3 days left. Why do you care?"
I care because I'm leaving a young intern behind. So, after I warned her what she's up against, and let the executive director know what I've heard about this guy, I can do no more. Except say MashaAllah that I left when I did. Yah.
Meanwhile, there's an interview I got from UmmZ that's been languishing in my drafts since all of this began; time to move on and move up. Please keep me and my job hunt and the general husband search in your dua'a.
peace
TwennyTwo
Long story short, he got out of it somehow. I think he told the executive director, when she called from vacation to ask what was going on, that he had no idea who that woman was or how she had his number at work. Then called one of his women and cursed her out for calling our exec. director (a call I took) for some reason. You know what? I don't know what is going on... but only God truly does, so I'm trusting Him to resolve it to His will.
And truly? As my sister so succinctly put it, "You've got 3 days left. Why do you care?"
I care because I'm leaving a young intern behind. So, after I warned her what she's up against, and let the executive director know what I've heard about this guy, I can do no more. Except say MashaAllah that I left when I did. Yah.
Meanwhile, there's an interview I got from UmmZ that's been languishing in my drafts since all of this began; time to move on and move up. Please keep me and my job hunt and the general husband search in your dua'a.
peace
TwennyTwo
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Dangerous and scary. Dua'a please.
peace,
Okay, I'm trying not to get "Dooced" in my last couple days of work here, but I need to get this out.
Some time back I posted on the man who works in the same office with me who was harassing me, asking me out, wouldn't take no for an answer and apparently (from phone calls and his own accounts) had several women on a string. (And wanted to add me to it, pssht. Astaghfirullah.)
This is the man who wasn't released after that incident (I had email to back it up and was frankly mo' den a lil' creeped out), but we were both oriented as to the situation.
Make dua'a please. Last week, this guy walks in and mentions that he "may have broken someone's heart." As I try to stay well clear of him and his issues outside of work, I didn't ask more; he volunteered that he'd had to 'break up' with a certain woman.
This morning I got to work early in order to have some peace, and got to listen to a scary-licious voicemail from last night, meant for this man, from a woman crying, cursing, saying the police would be looking for him, that he'd beat and raped her and that he was the scum of the earth, obscenities, etc.
Now, I don't care what his excuse is. I don't want to have to work in the same office with him anymore. If that voicemail has anything to do with anything that is true, working with that man is a terrifying prospect. Because I already know that he can't take 'no' for an answer personally. And if it isn't true, then I'm wary of working with someone who associates with people who will lie and leave a voicemail like that at a place of employment.
Here's the kicker: the executive director heard of the voicemail from a co-worker, and therefore, instituted a lockdown on that piece of information. I heard the voicemail... but I'm not supposed to have heard it, in order to protect the co-worker.
That's just great. So what do I do when this guy walks into the office that we share?!
If asked directly, I'm not going to lie about it, but if not asked, I'll act as if I don't know anything. *sigh*. Pray for me please. PLEASE. Even without this I've got a lot on my plate in terms of tasks to finish... I need to just get through these last FOUR days inshaAllah.
A surah comes to mind:
"qul audhubirabbinnas..."
updates later inshaAllah.
Okay, I'm trying not to get "Dooced" in my last couple days of work here, but I need to get this out.
Some time back I posted on the man who works in the same office with me who was harassing me, asking me out, wouldn't take no for an answer and apparently (from phone calls and his own accounts) had several women on a string. (And wanted to add me to it, pssht. Astaghfirullah.)
This is the man who wasn't released after that incident (I had email to back it up and was frankly mo' den a lil' creeped out), but we were both oriented as to the situation.
Make dua'a please. Last week, this guy walks in and mentions that he "may have broken someone's heart." As I try to stay well clear of him and his issues outside of work, I didn't ask more; he volunteered that he'd had to 'break up' with a certain woman.
This morning I got to work early in order to have some peace, and got to listen to a scary-licious voicemail from last night, meant for this man, from a woman crying, cursing, saying the police would be looking for him, that he'd beat and raped her and that he was the scum of the earth, obscenities, etc.
Now, I don't care what his excuse is. I don't want to have to work in the same office with him anymore. If that voicemail has anything to do with anything that is true, working with that man is a terrifying prospect. Because I already know that he can't take 'no' for an answer personally. And if it isn't true, then I'm wary of working with someone who associates with people who will lie and leave a voicemail like that at a place of employment.
Here's the kicker: the executive director heard of the voicemail from a co-worker, and therefore, instituted a lockdown on that piece of information. I heard the voicemail... but I'm not supposed to have heard it, in order to protect the co-worker.
That's just great. So what do I do when this guy walks into the office that we share?!
If asked directly, I'm not going to lie about it, but if not asked, I'll act as if I don't know anything. *sigh*. Pray for me please. PLEASE. Even without this I've got a lot on my plate in terms of tasks to finish... I need to just get through these last FOUR days inshaAllah.
A surah comes to mind:
"qul audhubirabbinnas..."
updates later inshaAllah.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
An Interview by Umm Z.
peace,
Found this on Umm Zaid's page as I was browsing, and enjoyed it. She asks five questions; everyone gets to see the answers. Want in? See below!
1. Puerto Rico: What do you love about it?
Ayyyyy, what a question. This is what I love about Puerto Rico: I love the people. I revel in the humid, tropical, ever-changing, beautiful, warm weather (and lack of deciduous trees with their hyperallergenic pollen). I enjoy "long" drives just drinking in the changes from blue sea to dry desert to lush green cool mountains. It's truly a beautiful place, even in the slums of the city you find beauty and green
things growing everywhere. I love the song of the coqui, something I'll never forget that will always conjure up velvet nights spent talking with some of the brightest, kindest, industrious, most generous people I've ever met. I love the typical boricua accent and the mixture of Caribbean, Africa, USA, and Spain that you can dissect... and yet not... in everything you find there. I can't get over the way the island appears in my dreams. I love Puerto Rico for her revolutionary history and her ripe potential.
I noticed you didn't ask what I don't like, so I will keep this positive. There are so many things that can change, but many many that are wonderful.
2. You're on a desert island. You have 10 books. What are they?
Not counting the Qur'an?
Whoo! This is hard! I've loved so many books. In no particular order:
The collected works of Nikki Giovanni
A Tafsir (one bigole volume)
Blessings by Anna Quindlen
Hija de La Fortuna by Isabel Allende
the Logan Family saga by Mildred D. Taylor (hmmm is that a cheat?)
any of the books by any one of these three ladies- Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, Esmeralda Santiago, or Julia Alvarez- preferably in Spanish. I just can't pick and am so happy with them all.
Companions of the Prophet by Abdul Wahid Hamid- this has been an amazingly involving read, yo
any of Diane Mott Davidson's Goldy series (cooking sleuth, gotta love it)
La Sombra del Viento/The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos R. Zafon
Believing as Ourselves- J. Lynn Jones
booo only ten?!
3. What do you think you'll do this summer?
InshaAllah apply to nursing schools and high(er) paying, character-suitable day jobs. Have a birthday. Oh, and work at da Grocery Store nights. Find a way to get to ADAMS or other classes consistently. And pray on my roof under the stars while I have it ( lease is up in October). And maybe even learn Arabic? Hmm. So many possibilities...
4. Do you play games on the computer or regular video games? If so, what are your faves?
I actually don't play games on the computer- blogs are my games, since the only computer I have (okay, had) regular access to is at my day job. But back in the day I loved Zelda on SNES and Castles on the computer. I still play bejeweled and Collapse and Tetris on my cell, very rarely.
5. The state of Muslim youth: What do you see as positives for the future and what do you see as negative (for the community as a whole) in our future? What do you think we should be doing right now?
Beginning with the end, we need to be constantly, steadily getting people invested and involved in working on our educational systems, both what's thought of as 'true' pedagogy- the schools- and the outreach and educational capacities inherent in the gathering spaces that are our masajid.
Islamic schools need to be options that won't break people and are open to the general public, even those who aren't Muslim. They need to grow in enrollment and strength of curriculum every year. They need to be American, not "backhomelandish", since that's where we are and that's who these children are, and prepare them to live as Muslims within an American society, not to ghettoize or isolate ourselves. It's a balancing thing. This is an ideal, remember. And schools need to have people involved from the community as a whole just as GP, not just parents/grandparents, in order to have a further source of investment and push for the future.
As I was raised in the awesome community institution that was a strong black church (though it had its flaws I also know ideals because of it), I have in mind just a hint of what our ummah in the US can become if we utilize these outreach and communication tools properly. This begins with outreach that accepts and encounters people in the places where they are- be they into drugs, teen parents, all about the outer flash, superficial Christianity, etc.- in order to use the rational questioning that is such a basis for Islam to bring them closer to the light, without entering personal judgments into the picture. Become that great, good place with all sorts of people and knowledge of the deen and also area services, where everyone just naturally wants to be all the time because there's something that nourishes them there.
I am NOT saying give up Islamic ideals in order to approach young people; I wouldn't want to see brothers in silk and gold bling around young folks in order to 'do as they do' and make them feel comfortable. Rather, provide charity and examples to them in various ways (food, community fairs? 'Muslims in the Recording Studio/on the Radio events for youth? some sort of latin/northeast asian oriented activities? more things like Project Downtown, which is awesome, MashaAllah? Stoop Group youth meetings that aren't necessarily inside at the masjid, but in a park around where people actually live? Job fairs open to all but heavily recruiting to Muslim business or providing Muslim mentors to young people? I'm sure y'all have more ideas...), and live Islam, while going to find people where they are in order to have them accept where we are and in seeing prosperity and peace, have them want to know about it of their own accord. That's dawah that can change communities, and what I'm talking about is hard work.
I hope that made sense. It's hard to articulate what I see in my head.
Now, as for negatives in the community, from domestic to international- a substantial reason the american youth of the ummah don't have a whole lot of cohesiveness is the divisions and stereotypes fostered by our parents. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Many of us are handed the misconception that Islam cannot be US, cannot be American, cannot speak something besides English and Urdu/Arabic, can be American only if of backhomelandish descent. Not cool. Also? For the lack of the strong Islamic school alternative and parental ability to be everywhere at once, a lot of us are treading very fine lines on societal norms instead of creating them ourselves. And we don't know more about Islam than what's heard in the Khutbah on Fridays, because those of us who do are pushed to be more 'backhomelandish.
I'm not articulating this well, but the speaker at EZ on making our mark on Islam hit it when he said that we need to be useful to our community, to feel as if we're contributing with the uniquenesses that we're allowed to explore in the freedom that growing up in the USA creates, in order to attach ourselves to Islam here, make it our own, and see it grow. The short message was, don't all be doctors and lawyers and marry your own color/race/class/country of origin, because we need to branch out to be truly expanding here. Because right now we're stagnating and from denouncing Islam to being nominal Muslims to raising children as Muslims with haraam norms, it's not okay.
I will say this, though; Islam still has a draw for young people, and the few conferences that I've attended and the people I know bear that out very strongly. We're youthful and find strength in that, and we're of the generation that takes freedoms and uses them, and uses power in a very organic, natural diversity of Islam. I think I said some time ago that I was talking to a 19 year old Muslim at a university, just randomly, and was blown away- he was one of a group of kids in that particular place that not only had ideas but was acting on them. Entrepreneurship is our heritage, as is the willingness to get ahead and pull others up, and when young people aren't actively discouraged we come up with some wonderful ideas AND actions..
Thanks so much for my interview, I enjoyed it and inshaAllah someone will benefit from it. JazakhAllah khair.
Want to play?
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions (so you have to leave a valid email address). I get to pick the questions. And yes: email. Leave your address. I don't use haloscan, so use (at) h@tma!l, or other creative way to say it. I'll delete comments with emails.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
peace
TwennyTwo
Found this on Umm Zaid's page as I was browsing, and enjoyed it. She asks five questions; everyone gets to see the answers. Want in? See below!
1. Puerto Rico: What do you love about it?
Ayyyyy, what a question. This is what I love about Puerto Rico: I love the people. I revel in the humid, tropical, ever-changing, beautiful, warm weather (and lack of deciduous trees with their hyperallergenic pollen). I enjoy "long" drives just drinking in the changes from blue sea to dry desert to lush green cool mountains. It's truly a beautiful place, even in the slums of the city you find beauty and green
things growing everywhere. I love the song of the coqui, something I'll never forget that will always conjure up velvet nights spent talking with some of the brightest, kindest, industrious, most generous people I've ever met. I love the typical boricua accent and the mixture of Caribbean, Africa, USA, and Spain that you can dissect... and yet not... in everything you find there. I can't get over the way the island appears in my dreams. I love Puerto Rico for her revolutionary history and her ripe potential.
I noticed you didn't ask what I don't like, so I will keep this positive. There are so many things that can change, but many many that are wonderful.
2. You're on a desert island. You have 10 books. What are they?
Not counting the Qur'an?
Whoo! This is hard! I've loved so many books. In no particular order:
The collected works of Nikki Giovanni
A Tafsir (one bigole volume)
Blessings by Anna Quindlen
Hija de La Fortuna by Isabel Allende
the Logan Family saga by Mildred D. Taylor (hmmm is that a cheat?)
any of the books by any one of these three ladies- Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, Esmeralda Santiago, or Julia Alvarez- preferably in Spanish. I just can't pick and am so happy with them all.
Companions of the Prophet by Abdul Wahid Hamid- this has been an amazingly involving read, yo
any of Diane Mott Davidson's Goldy series (cooking sleuth, gotta love it)
La Sombra del Viento/The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos R. Zafon
Believing as Ourselves- J. Lynn Jones
booo only ten?!
3. What do you think you'll do this summer?
InshaAllah apply to nursing schools and high(er) paying, character-suitable day jobs. Have a birthday. Oh, and work at da Grocery Store nights. Find a way to get to ADAMS or other classes consistently. And pray on my roof under the stars while I have it ( lease is up in October). And maybe even learn Arabic? Hmm. So many possibilities...
4. Do you play games on the computer or regular video games? If so, what are your faves?
I actually don't play games on the computer- blogs are my games, since the only computer I have (okay, had) regular access to is at my day job. But back in the day I loved Zelda on SNES and Castles on the computer. I still play bejeweled and Collapse and Tetris on my cell, very rarely.
5. The state of Muslim youth: What do you see as positives for the future and what do you see as negative (for the community as a whole) in our future? What do you think we should be doing right now?
Beginning with the end, we need to be constantly, steadily getting people invested and involved in working on our educational systems, both what's thought of as 'true' pedagogy- the schools- and the outreach and educational capacities inherent in the gathering spaces that are our masajid.
Islamic schools need to be options that won't break people and are open to the general public, even those who aren't Muslim. They need to grow in enrollment and strength of curriculum every year. They need to be American, not "backhomelandish", since that's where we are and that's who these children are, and prepare them to live as Muslims within an American society, not to ghettoize or isolate ourselves. It's a balancing thing. This is an ideal, remember. And schools need to have people involved from the community as a whole just as GP, not just parents/grandparents, in order to have a further source of investment and push for the future.
As I was raised in the awesome community institution that was a strong black church (though it had its flaws I also know ideals because of it), I have in mind just a hint of what our ummah in the US can become if we utilize these outreach and communication tools properly. This begins with outreach that accepts and encounters people in the places where they are- be they into drugs, teen parents, all about the outer flash, superficial Christianity, etc.- in order to use the rational questioning that is such a basis for Islam to bring them closer to the light, without entering personal judgments into the picture. Become that great, good place with all sorts of people and knowledge of the deen and also area services, where everyone just naturally wants to be all the time because there's something that nourishes them there.
I am NOT saying give up Islamic ideals in order to approach young people; I wouldn't want to see brothers in silk and gold bling around young folks in order to 'do as they do' and make them feel comfortable. Rather, provide charity and examples to them in various ways (food, community fairs? 'Muslims in the Recording Studio/on the Radio events for youth? some sort of latin/northeast asian oriented activities? more things like Project Downtown, which is awesome, MashaAllah? Stoop Group youth meetings that aren't necessarily inside at the masjid, but in a park around where people actually live? Job fairs open to all but heavily recruiting to Muslim business or providing Muslim mentors to young people? I'm sure y'all have more ideas...), and live Islam, while going to find people where they are in order to have them accept where we are and in seeing prosperity and peace, have them want to know about it of their own accord. That's dawah that can change communities, and what I'm talking about is hard work.
I hope that made sense. It's hard to articulate what I see in my head.
Now, as for negatives in the community, from domestic to international- a substantial reason the american youth of the ummah don't have a whole lot of cohesiveness is the divisions and stereotypes fostered by our parents. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Many of us are handed the misconception that Islam cannot be US, cannot be American, cannot speak something besides English and Urdu/Arabic, can be American only if of backhomelandish descent. Not cool. Also? For the lack of the strong Islamic school alternative and parental ability to be everywhere at once, a lot of us are treading very fine lines on societal norms instead of creating them ourselves. And we don't know more about Islam than what's heard in the Khutbah on Fridays, because those of us who do are pushed to be more 'backhomelandish.
I'm not articulating this well, but the speaker at EZ on making our mark on Islam hit it when he said that we need to be useful to our community, to feel as if we're contributing with the uniquenesses that we're allowed to explore in the freedom that growing up in the USA creates, in order to attach ourselves to Islam here, make it our own, and see it grow. The short message was, don't all be doctors and lawyers and marry your own color/race/class/country of origin, because we need to branch out to be truly expanding here. Because right now we're stagnating and from denouncing Islam to being nominal Muslims to raising children as Muslims with haraam norms, it's not okay.
I will say this, though; Islam still has a draw for young people, and the few conferences that I've attended and the people I know bear that out very strongly. We're youthful and find strength in that, and we're of the generation that takes freedoms and uses them, and uses power in a very organic, natural diversity of Islam. I think I said some time ago that I was talking to a 19 year old Muslim at a university, just randomly, and was blown away- he was one of a group of kids in that particular place that not only had ideas but was acting on them. Entrepreneurship is our heritage, as is the willingness to get ahead and pull others up, and when young people aren't actively discouraged we come up with some wonderful ideas AND actions..
Thanks so much for my interview, I enjoyed it and inshaAllah someone will benefit from it. JazakhAllah khair.
Want to play?
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions (so you have to leave a valid email address). I get to pick the questions. And yes: email. Leave your address. I don't use haloscan, so use (at) h@tma!l, or other creative way to say it. I'll delete comments with emails.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, April 23, 2007
So now what?
peace,
Okay, no more day job! Whoo-hoo! I put in two weeks' notice dated for Friday. That means I have one more long, big trip- up to Salisbury, MD- and thirteen other days before I'm outta there and looking hardcore for another full time job.
While I feel exhilarated and at the same time peaceful about the decision, it's also scary to take the hit to my income and realize that I'll be out there floating without benefits. That's a doozy just now; I don't yet qualify (as I understand it) for the benefits under my grocery store job.
There's so much to say about the grocery store job. It boils down to this: I'm happy with the work and the people, and it's honest work, but at the same time I feel down deep somewhere that it's not where I'm supposed to be. Not that the work is beneath me, but that I SHOULD feel that it is. It's nagging me and the only thing keeping me from being completely happy with the place. My thing about working there is having to be there half an hour early, because from what I've seen over the past two weeks, I can get there on time- but any little delay with the Metro will trip me. I can't keep coming in late because of the train. So my resolution is to just get to work half an hour early, rather than be even 5 minutes late.
I've got a couple more 'so now what?' questions floating out there. I also wanted to finish/revisit my review of East Zone and your comments. Thanks to SM and Singlemuslimah, by the by, for your comments. I appreciate that you had to read an entire treatise in order to write them! There was a Project Downtown group yesterday, and I got to see Elle and Natiyyah (who I don't think I mentioned earlier, but she was at EZ). Reea wasn't there, which made me kinda sad- I'd wanted to see her again. I also saw Mahmoud, during which time I think I ticked him off by trying to give him my portion of the cash for that $350 ticket I mentioned.
The story is actually funny- we're all in the car, driving up 95 North, and by then I'm deeply absorbed in my Companions of the Prophet book, so much that I keep going, "huh!" and "Oh! Noo! Don't get them!" at various plot points in the story. I think I'd said something like "Oh, wow, that's awesome" while reading the story of the first Companion ever to lead the Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) in the salat. Mahmoud, who'd been going at least 100mph (and gettin' dusted- they don't play in the South) earlier in the drive, looked over to see who I was reading about, and then looked up and went, "astaghfirullah!" - he'd seen the cop turn around. At first I thought he'd missed us, but no. The car was pulled over and assessed at $350 ticket for being 28mph over the speed limit- had Mahmoud been going 2 mph faster the ticket would've been $500; had he been going 3 mph slower the ticket wouldve been $75. Got to be more careful.
Anyway my argument was that I really had distracted him from the road and thus was responsible for half the ticket. He wasn't having it. And I listened to the advice of my little sister who knows more on these things than I; I had to try to give him the cash and if he didn't take it, don't push it. So I tried and he was all, "Sister, you were reading a hadith. So you already get the reward for that. Don't give me this money now, let me get the reward for it in the akhira."
How was I going to argue that?
I like Mahmoud. Singlemuslimah (by the way, I'm waiting for updates, yo!) mentioned in comments that she thought that might have something to do with insecurity around men. So let me explain that I'm not insecure around men- in fact, my quite high comfort level around men is something I've struggled with since I took shahada, because all of my best friends have been (and if I'm truthful many continue to be) men. I'm close with very few women outside of the internet. I'm not sure why that is, but. I have a father, I have brothers, I have guy friends, all are cool. The ONLY exception is with men I'm interested in. So I don't know that it's insecurity so much as it's inexperience plus insecurity in that feeling.
Ech. Hard stuff to think about after a long day.
I didn't want to do this but I'm going to have to be girly for a second while I think about this.
I do know that with my crush from earlier this year, the attraction was more about the whole package, while with Mahmoud it's heavily mental... or cerebral. My crush (I don't know if I ever gave him a name, so let's call him Abdullah which is close) is tall, dark, big and handsome with a deep voice plus smart and funny. D, for comparison, is short (okay, not that short but shorter than me is short in my book), Asian with those stereotypical features, artistic and he's been around for a while (and he's not Muslim). And Mahmoud is short, kinda scrawny, hilariously dry with a wit that left my mouth hanging open several times. I can't figure out what it is that I find attractive. Just that I know it when it hits me. With Abdullah it's obvious (to anyone) and with D it has a lot to do with shared experience and loyalty. With Mahmoud maybe it's the shock factor- I don't think I've ever met a Muslim with a sense of humor like that. Whatever. I like him. I'm okay with that. After the old dude in PR, I began to understand the saying "Para los gustos, colores" (lit. for the tastes are the colors- there's no accounting for taste). That's not my issue.
My issue is getting over wanting something to HAPPEN because of it. That can't happen all the time- can you imagine? Shoot something only needs to happen one good time. My issue is really impatience. Because this is something unlike myself, that I cannot act upon or change. Ah, yes. That's it. The control freak in me goes nuts at being that vulnerable and not being able to either open myself further or close up against the feeling. I guess I feel like since I can control how I feel, if I take that control to stop liking him then at least I've DONE something.
So now what?
Now, nothing. As in, nothing! As in, my focus for the next two weeks at least is going to be keeping God first while finishing up these next couple weeks at the one job and improving at the other and looking for a third. That's enough to be on anyone's plate, much less mine.
Dua'a:
A lot of people say they'll make dua'a and don't; and a lot of people make dua'a without saying anything. When I was in undergrad I actually used to have a whiteboard where I wrote down all the people I'd make dua'a for, so I wouldn't forget. Nowadays, I keep the list in my head, but I wanted to ask you to make dua'a for baby Muhammad (son of The Imam's Daughter over on the left), and for Nzingha (Nzingha's Soapbox) and for Shabana (Koonj) for things that have happened or are ongoing for them all. Let me know if you know of someone I need to be remembering, too. And thank you for the dua'a you have made for me!
wa ma salaama
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, no more day job! Whoo-hoo! I put in two weeks' notice dated for Friday. That means I have one more long, big trip- up to Salisbury, MD- and thirteen other days before I'm outta there and looking hardcore for another full time job.
While I feel exhilarated and at the same time peaceful about the decision, it's also scary to take the hit to my income and realize that I'll be out there floating without benefits. That's a doozy just now; I don't yet qualify (as I understand it) for the benefits under my grocery store job.
There's so much to say about the grocery store job. It boils down to this: I'm happy with the work and the people, and it's honest work, but at the same time I feel down deep somewhere that it's not where I'm supposed to be. Not that the work is beneath me, but that I SHOULD feel that it is. It's nagging me and the only thing keeping me from being completely happy with the place. My thing about working there is having to be there half an hour early, because from what I've seen over the past two weeks, I can get there on time- but any little delay with the Metro will trip me. I can't keep coming in late because of the train. So my resolution is to just get to work half an hour early, rather than be even 5 minutes late.
I've got a couple more 'so now what?' questions floating out there. I also wanted to finish/revisit my review of East Zone and your comments. Thanks to SM and Singlemuslimah, by the by, for your comments. I appreciate that you had to read an entire treatise in order to write them! There was a Project Downtown group yesterday, and I got to see Elle and Natiyyah (who I don't think I mentioned earlier, but she was at EZ). Reea wasn't there, which made me kinda sad- I'd wanted to see her again. I also saw Mahmoud, during which time I think I ticked him off by trying to give him my portion of the cash for that $350 ticket I mentioned.
The story is actually funny- we're all in the car, driving up 95 North, and by then I'm deeply absorbed in my Companions of the Prophet book, so much that I keep going, "huh!" and "Oh! Noo! Don't get them!" at various plot points in the story. I think I'd said something like "Oh, wow, that's awesome" while reading the story of the first Companion ever to lead the Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) in the salat. Mahmoud, who'd been going at least 100mph (and gettin' dusted- they don't play in the South) earlier in the drive, looked over to see who I was reading about, and then looked up and went, "astaghfirullah!" - he'd seen the cop turn around. At first I thought he'd missed us, but no. The car was pulled over and assessed at $350 ticket for being 28mph over the speed limit- had Mahmoud been going 2 mph faster the ticket would've been $500; had he been going 3 mph slower the ticket wouldve been $75. Got to be more careful.
Anyway my argument was that I really had distracted him from the road and thus was responsible for half the ticket. He wasn't having it. And I listened to the advice of my little sister who knows more on these things than I; I had to try to give him the cash and if he didn't take it, don't push it. So I tried and he was all, "Sister, you were reading a hadith. So you already get the reward for that. Don't give me this money now, let me get the reward for it in the akhira."
How was I going to argue that?
I like Mahmoud. Singlemuslimah (by the way, I'm waiting for updates, yo!) mentioned in comments that she thought that might have something to do with insecurity around men. So let me explain that I'm not insecure around men- in fact, my quite high comfort level around men is something I've struggled with since I took shahada, because all of my best friends have been (and if I'm truthful many continue to be) men. I'm close with very few women outside of the internet. I'm not sure why that is, but. I have a father, I have brothers, I have guy friends, all are cool. The ONLY exception is with men I'm interested in. So I don't know that it's insecurity so much as it's inexperience plus insecurity in that feeling.
Ech. Hard stuff to think about after a long day.
I didn't want to do this but I'm going to have to be girly for a second while I think about this.
I do know that with my crush from earlier this year, the attraction was more about the whole package, while with Mahmoud it's heavily mental... or cerebral. My crush (I don't know if I ever gave him a name, so let's call him Abdullah which is close) is tall, dark, big and handsome with a deep voice plus smart and funny. D, for comparison, is short (okay, not that short but shorter than me is short in my book), Asian with those stereotypical features, artistic and he's been around for a while (and he's not Muslim). And Mahmoud is short, kinda scrawny, hilariously dry with a wit that left my mouth hanging open several times. I can't figure out what it is that I find attractive. Just that I know it when it hits me. With Abdullah it's obvious (to anyone) and with D it has a lot to do with shared experience and loyalty. With Mahmoud maybe it's the shock factor- I don't think I've ever met a Muslim with a sense of humor like that. Whatever. I like him. I'm okay with that. After the old dude in PR, I began to understand the saying "Para los gustos, colores" (lit. for the tastes are the colors- there's no accounting for taste). That's not my issue.
My issue is getting over wanting something to HAPPEN because of it. That can't happen all the time- can you imagine? Shoot something only needs to happen one good time. My issue is really impatience. Because this is something unlike myself, that I cannot act upon or change. Ah, yes. That's it. The control freak in me goes nuts at being that vulnerable and not being able to either open myself further or close up against the feeling. I guess I feel like since I can control how I feel, if I take that control to stop liking him then at least I've DONE something.
So now what?
Now, nothing. As in, nothing! As in, my focus for the next two weeks at least is going to be keeping God first while finishing up these next couple weeks at the one job and improving at the other and looking for a third. That's enough to be on anyone's plate, much less mine.
Dua'a:
A lot of people say they'll make dua'a and don't; and a lot of people make dua'a without saying anything. When I was in undergrad I actually used to have a whiteboard where I wrote down all the people I'd make dua'a for, so I wouldn't forget. Nowadays, I keep the list in my head, but I wanted to ask you to make dua'a for baby Muhammad (son of The Imam's Daughter over on the left), and for Nzingha (Nzingha's Soapbox) and for Shabana (Koonj) for things that have happened or are ongoing for them all. Let me know if you know of someone I need to be remembering, too. And thank you for the dua'a you have made for me!
wa ma salaama
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, April 19, 2007
boo, blogger, booo!
peace,
I just wrote an entire post about how it came about that I needed to quit my office job. It was greatly explanatory, went into detail.
You'll have to believe me on that, because blogger just erased it. Boo, blogger, booo!!!
The good thing is that it was also very calming and cathartic. So alhamdulillah even though I'm in a spot that isn't enviable I'm okay with it. I'll explain further after I go into the office to turn in my letter of notice.
There are so many out there who need dua'a; I'm praying for others, too. In the midst of all the craziness and violence it's easy to focus on the outside. But over the past couple months, I've come to realize that it's okay to ask for advice and assistance when I need it- and to take it when I can. So please, keep me in your prayers; the best assistance comes from the Sustainer.
wa alaikum salaam
TwennyTwo
I just wrote an entire post about how it came about that I needed to quit my office job. It was greatly explanatory, went into detail.
You'll have to believe me on that, because blogger just erased it. Boo, blogger, booo!!!
The good thing is that it was also very calming and cathartic. So alhamdulillah even though I'm in a spot that isn't enviable I'm okay with it. I'll explain further after I go into the office to turn in my letter of notice.
There are so many out there who need dua'a; I'm praying for others, too. In the midst of all the craziness and violence it's easy to focus on the outside. But over the past couple months, I've come to realize that it's okay to ask for advice and assistance when I need it- and to take it when I can. So please, keep me in your prayers; the best assistance comes from the Sustainer.
wa alaikum salaam
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Virginia Tech
peace,
I must've heard about it just as the news was coming out, around 10:45 AM or so.
In the next couple of hours, as the numbers rose, all I could do was make dua'a. Ya, Rabbi, surround those people with your safety and awareness. Keep them connected to You. Touch the heart of the shooter, Lord.
And as the toll went higher: Have mercy on the living and the dead. Mercy, please.
I live not too far from where this young man's parents lived. This is unfortunately the biggest news here. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
peace
TwennyTwo
I must've heard about it just as the news was coming out, around 10:45 AM or so.
In the next couple of hours, as the numbers rose, all I could do was make dua'a. Ya, Rabbi, surround those people with your safety and awareness. Keep them connected to You. Touch the heart of the shooter, Lord.
And as the toll went higher: Have mercy on the living and the dead. Mercy, please.
I live not too far from where this young man's parents lived. This is unfortunately the biggest news here. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
peace
TwennyTwo
Friday, April 13, 2007
get me outta here!
peace,
that last post was long, wasn't it?
Get me outta heeeere!
Sorry, boredom/irritation with work.
peace
that last post was long, wasn't it?
Get me outta heeeere!
Sorry, boredom/irritation with work.
peace
Thursday, April 12, 2007
telephone call
peace,
I don't think this is going to be a very coherent post, but I think it's going to be a very long one. If you know me, you may want to avert your eyes. My natural frankness has been suppressed and I"m letting go.
I wish I had a telephone and a friend to call. I mean, I have both of those things but neither fits the bill, y'know? I guess that's why I blog. I'm not feeling very secure right now, but I am feeling tired and lonely and um. not privileged. Things I need to talk out. I've got so many blog entries stored up in my head it's ridiculous. SO I'm at my job after hours (which I was fussed at severely for doing last week) and instead of doing my taxes (which I've been trying to do since I had all the papers together in FEBRUARY, mind) I'm getting all those entries out in bits and pieces.
I went to the MSA East Zone conference this past weekend. I enjoyed it. Meeting so many young Muslims was very cool, inspiring, etc. So why am I frustrated now? I'm not sure.
We drove down to Florida, mashaAllah while it was snowing up here, I was soaking up some warm sunshine. My executive director essentially told me that I HAD to take a break. I really was stressed out, to the point where I got sick with the phlegmy-congestiony-hoopalahpa on Wednesday, before we left on Thursday.
Ooh, on Wednesday, we had the greatest meeting up at this One Local University (OLU) with a name similar to AlmaMater's. We met with higher-ups in their department of education, to discuss developing our test. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I'm mad excited to see my hard work paying off.
I wish that were the only thing I had to focus on. I'm not happy with my job and REALLY not happy that I had to cancel the interview I'd scheduled for today at another place. Now someone'll come along and tell me to just bear it, that the few fun/fulfilling moments are those I"m lucky to have. I'm not supposed to like my job. Am I crazy for wanting to be happy with my work, even as I work to improve? I think I'm in the wrong field... but definitely in the wrong office.
I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take the loans and go to nursing school or something. I've got to get going on what I KNOW will be what I want. I need a change. I'm restless. I'm not quite depressed but not happy and not normal. Just kinda bleh. I'm not meeting my goals, I feel like I'm marking time.
Back to East Zone. Last time I went to EZ was four years ago, and it seriously inspired me in my pursuit of Islam. SO I was disappointed that I didn't get as much out of it this year. I'm sure that had to do with the fact that I"m four years older and the entire time I was there I was hanging with a crowd of peeps a bit younger than I. While it was fun socially, I feel like it didn't do much for my deen.
It helped me realize something, though: I have got to get married.
Y'all have heard this before. I know. Hell, this thought goes through my head every day. Know how people say folk can think about sex up to every seven minutes or seven seconds or something like that? Well, yeah, that and making my life with another person to learn with and pray with and fight with and live with and love with there by my side. Only the most important drives are enough to take up your consciousness every seven minutes, right? I grew up with the New Testament refrain resounding in my head, "better to marry than to burn" and I'm getting to the point where I feel like burning is an inevitable and immediate part of my future and I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY.
This is a sore point.
One night as we sat on our slippery satin hotel covers, feet swinging between the beds, I was talking to Leila, a roomie at the conference. And we'd had a couple of sessions that day about marriage in Islam and 'assisted marriage' as opposed to arranged marriages (um, the upshot of the "You had me at salaam" session? one, you tell your parents what you want, the other they tell you what you want, but in the end they do the majority of the picking, and NO Dating Allowed as is halal of course. Big waste of time for me, but whatever) as well as "communication between the sexes" (that one was really meant for married couples though they didn't say so until we were all in the room and seated, but I gleaned some helpful things out of it) and I asked Leila, (wow, this paragraph is really train of thought, huh?) "how do you think you'll get married? Traditional, or American (those were the catchphrases we were using)?
She and the other girls had been interested in my question- they wanted to know, what did I want to ask them so badly? See, during the session with Imam Magid (yeah, we went all the way to Florida to hear sessions by Imam Magid, which ended up good in that I got to bend his ear about something that has been bothering me about ADAMS, but why did I have to go to Orlando to do all that?) and Dr. Yasmine, I sat in the front (but I always sit in the front, that's nothing new) and then when the Q/A session came, had my hand allll in the air, waving it around, etc. Finally, when the guys started bringing up questions that they'd written on note cards, I busted out my green pen and wrote my own question. Now, the moderator (and also the daughter in law of Dr. Yasmine the speaker if that mattered) had given me the 'nod' as if to say, "you're next", but then ignored me, and when I took my question to her, they both ignored it as well. The girls sat several rows behind me, so they saw me get up, they saw the other girls get up and take their questions and have them answered, so all these hours later (it must've been 2AM by the time Leila and I got to this question) they wanted to know.
I asked :
I don't give up easy, in fact I'm pretty well known for the way I Keep. Asking. Questions. until I get an answer on the things that matter to me. So I went up to Dr. Yasmine after the session and asked again. Of course, she pointed out the "Adopt an Auntie" suggestion that she'd made early in her speech. My problem is that I've done that, and it hasn't worked. I either ended up with nothing to show for it b/c the 'aunties' were either lazy or very very picky on my behalf , or I got hooked up with the dishonest men who were out for mut'a marriage(ASTAGHFIRULLAH) or second/third wives. Or the former jailbirds.
Man I was so discouraged. I thanked the sister because she did give me her card, and I'm writing her, but...
I'll get back to that in a second.
That night I really envied Leila the ability to respond as she did, in part: " I don't think there's anything wrong with going from my father's house to my husband's house. My dad... Islam is his life," she said, saying that he reinforced with her that it was always her choice, because that's mandated by the Qur'an. Her answer was that she might very well go the traditional route, but that her father (her mother died, may she have peace) told her that if she finds a man who's nice, and they get to know each other in a halal way, then he'll accept that too. Basically she said that she'll be married young, and that while one side of her family wants to push her to do the independent woman, own apartment, make money etc. thing, she's not into it, her dad agrees that she shouldn't have to, and she's lucky to be able to choose that and feel tis a legitimate and acceptable choice.
I... how to explain how I felt? I didn't quite envy her, because I was happy that her situation allowed her to do that even as mine pretty much completely excludes that. But felt a kinship in the certainty that she had that getting married young was going to be her choice and the right choice for her and she was fine with that even if it was against the mainstream. I think she's really lucky to have her father be allll about supporting her in an Islamically correct choice.
I'd told her that the reason I'd asked that question is because my parents are the opposite; my father still mentions the days of when I told him I wanted to graduate college and get married right off with disgust. You know how people kind of save things up to throw at you later during an argument? That's how I know how he views it. And I mean, yeah, for him, secular/Christian him, why go to college if you're going to get married right away? Why waste your brain in your youth by having kids right off? You can have sex anyway, people shack up and no one seems to stop them, so the idea of getting married so early is one that gives disgust. I don't agree but I know how he thinks.
My mother also pulled away from the idea of helping me search for different reasons- I think it's against everything she knows. The idea is foreign and uncomfortable. And yeah, some of it has to do with my issues; when I told her I don't date (still don't, heh, every attempt went disastrously, remind me to tell you about that sometime- let's just say that I dont' like it for now) she asked, "But, Twenny, if you don't date, how will you find someone? How will you know how that person is?"
Typical American argument. I guess I find it illegitimate because I feel if people who know both parties well do the search, and both parties are allowed to know each other well enough to truly consent to the marriage, then, you can get married without sharing a lot of the, what, fitna? that comes with girl/boyfriendhood here in the US dating culture. But later in that conversation she also let me know that I need to open up a little. I am very guarded with men, and with my feelings in general. For some people spending too much, or appearing with a hair out of place in public is their big deal, the thing they guard against- for me, well, I don't like having my trust or my emotions betrayed (yes, no one does, but for me it's that thing, and I'll get over looking crazy in a random picture before I forget exactly the circumstance under which I was hurt. I'm working on it, but at the same time it's been that way as long as i can recall.) Ain't that many people who know me, the real me, and not the images I project. I'm changing that, but what she said was that it was keeping me from getting dates, which is part of the point of my facades.
So, since I've been 19, I've not lived in the same city of my parents, where I grew up, for more than 2 weeks at a time. I only say 19, because I did spend the summer after freshman year there. Which is why I haven't done it again. The problem is probably me, not my parents or the city (it's kind of ridiculous to say a whole city is an issue with you, right?), but at the same time, since that first summer, the acquaintances I did have largely left the area, and I've always reached my limit at about 2 weeks.
SO my question really went... not unanswered but unfulfilled and I'm still asking. All the women (heck, and the men but they have much less of an issue from what I've heard, correct me if I'm wrong, please)
Leila and Reea and I also discussed the lack of an 'Alim (spelling, y'all?) at the MSA EZ conference. This was a picking point for both of them. So I had to ask what an alim is and then I let them explain why this was such a big deal. See, the point of one of the conference sessions went something like, "Americans, and Muslims: making your mark on Islam" or similar, and the speaker there was AMAZING. He was talking bout the infrastructure of the USA and how we as muslims can't do everything our community needs if we only educate ourselves to be doctors and lawyers, because those professions among others feed into some non-islamic conditions already tearing down our people here. His great example was about the doctor who wanted to provide free care. If Islam requires us to give charity and that can and should be time as well as money, then, wow, he was doing a great thing,r ight? He was fired, because American systems are set up to be all about money. Not that that's wrong, but it's not an islamic system, and to build up islamic ideals in this country, we've got to be able to branch out to provide all types of expertise and alternatives that we need. While that was interesting, the point Reea and Leila made was that this brother came with the hardcore evidence from the Qur'an and hadiths. Yes, multiple. The girls said (and I reflected and agreed) that he was really the ONLY speaker on a semi-secular issue who kept what he said Qur'an based and Islam focused, instead of stating an ayah at the beginning or end and tying their professional expertise to it instead of explaining the expertise from the Islamic bases (if they existed). Leila went so far as to say that they should've brought an alim over, which brought my original objection that this is an american conference, don't we have alims (alimeen? alimat?) here? She said yea, there're schools for that, but the point is that the deen-intensive learning wasn't there.
And we all agreed that there needs to be another version of EZ- but this one needs to be deen-intensive. No competition for the Qiyam ulLayl or the doing dhikr outside with Imam Zaid Shakir (I'm Still Mad I missed that one, since I'd've preferred to be there instead of where I was but it was rather hush hush).
There were also some pretty funny things going down. I got called "Mom" by like half the peeps from DC region. Not sure why- I think b/c of my OC tendency to be super prepared, so I had like this huge bag full of food in the car... but also how I had a blanket when we stopped to pray along the way and the gazebo had bird poop all over the floor...and how I'm big enough for Elle to jump all over me and hug me and shriek, "Moooom!" without completely falling over and how it wasn't a thang for me to go up to this guy one of the girls wanted to talk to and be like, "Ey, son, you tryna get married?" (No, I wasn't that ghetto, but yes I did that. He blushed his way through that one, gave me his fb name, so that I could find out there that he's with some girl named M___e- dude, I was straightforward with you, guess you're shy?) Hi-LARIOUS. I also got the same girl to get the info of a guy (Okay, his name was like Munawar? Minabar? I'm terrible!) who caught my eye, but I don't know if he knew it was for me. She was vague about this. Hmm.
Not everything was so focused. I met an amazing woman who is cubana, a convert married to a born muslim, and was there with her three (hiskool/college aged) kids, all of whom were awesome, mashAllah. She's been Muslim for 30 years and married for 22, and she knew EXACTLY what I'm going through. It was such a relief to meet someone like that. You have no idea. I adopted her on the spot, but she lives in Southern FL, boooo. Email shall have to suffice. I can't tell you how awesome it was to meet her though. I don't want to give away too much info , this blog is public, but it was definitely ironic the way I met her. We ended up chit chatting in Spanish- at least until my "child" Elle interrupted. I did some shopping and now officially own enough hijabs to make it through the summer without the pashmina that kept me through the cold winter. Yay! I also bought these books, Companions of the Prophet, that are an amazingly good read. I got pretty absorbed into them on the way back and it's my subway companion now.
The trip up and back was long but rewarding, at least on the way back. On the way down I totally slept most of the way, since I had that hoopalahpa thing going and was drugged up. I figured out about halfway through the first day of the conference that the drugs were hurting more than they helped. So we did the leg down with me (yeah, 6'2" me), Elle, and Leila in the backseat, and Mahmood and Neal in the front driving. Eh. Halfway through I was shrieking and demanding to be let out to stretch my joints- my knees were on fire- but other than that, it was your standard long road trip. I"m almost immune after years of 13-hour trips between Ohio and Alabama as a kid.
On the way back, Talib and the other drivers had done some switching around to allow for those who wanted to get back to DC Metro area earlier and those who wanted to go to Universal Studios. The in-betweens fell in my car: me, Mahmood, and Reea. I started in the backseat, but was so uncomfortable that both Mahmood and Reea suggested that I moved to the front. Mahmood hadn't talked much on the trip down, and I'd arranged my trip in 'his' car by email through a friend of a friend, so I didn't really know him and thought he was a kinda strict but good-hearted person, who cracked crazy jokes in emails, one who didn't socialize with women but was nice enough to give us a ride since we all needed one. Y'know, fisabilillah.
Naturally though I wanted to ride in the front and not be in agony allll the way back to DC, I didn't want to make the driver of the car uncomfortable, so I was cool with staying in the backseat and making him stop ever so often so I could stretch. So I was suprised when he goes, "Well, most girls are more comfortable riding in the back seat..." when Reea said that basically he'd become our driver since Neal went to Disney. HA! I'm not nor have I ever been most girls. I jumped in the front.
I almost wish I hadn't, though. Fifteen hours, eight lecture tapes, a bucket of chicken ,one $350 speeding ticket and countless exchanged words later, I've got a crush on Mahmood. SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Reea was in the car. So so glad.
That hadith about shaitan being the third when a man and woman are alone? Dude, I used to dismiss it, then I believed but academically, but, y'all, Sis. TwennyTwo has seen the light. Especially since this is no one I had even thought about thinking about until we were almost at the end of the trip. Beyond not my type (actually, he's short, dresses like whatever, otherwise he's smart and up on news, knows a lot about Islam, a great qari, even Reea said we share a sense of humor... hey wait! I'm supposed to be convincing myself NOT to like this guy! Gotta stick with the program!) And prolly (inshaAllah) I won't be thinking him about once the memories of the trip fades. And especially since I had the most embarassing and foul... um... breaking of wind... right as I was getting out of the car. HORRIBLE. Horrible. QUE VERGUENZA! After I'd called a male friend for directions from my house to Reea's university in the district at 3AM- (my friend D for those who follow the blog at all) and he answered my call. I imagined that didn't look too good either. Mahmood was all, " Thanks, D, now TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!" in a funny way, of course. And Reea thought I was saying "dad", not "D", but they were both profusely thankful even as I know they were wondering, "What kind of friend answers phone calls at 3AM?"
So ha. No liking of Mahmood.
geesh.
Some of y'all remember the crush of a couple weeks ago. I found out that he was just playing. I still talk to him, but much less than before. Someone said something during one of the conferences- something like,
See? Witness the above. I have my issues- I realize I like someone and then either wait for him to say something or try to convince myself that what I think /feel isn't real, or that I need him to validate it from his side of things. I tell myself that it's not there and it's not that deep if it is.
At the same time, I know what I want- I want to be married. I think I'm sabotaging myself. At least I'm having some fun while doing it, but yo, I'd rather not do it!
Wow, I've been writing for two and a half hours, this is going to be one heckuva post. I didn't even get to tell y'all how I met Baba 'Ali (nope, Ididn't take a picture, but there's now a challenge to me in there) or about how close I am to quitting my day job... yeah, I'm still singing that song. But it'll have to wait, my Lord and 'Isha prayer and then my house call me. Insha'Allah, soon.
peace
TwennyTwo
I don't think this is going to be a very coherent post, but I think it's going to be a very long one. If you know me, you may want to avert your eyes. My natural frankness has been suppressed and I"m letting go.
I wish I had a telephone and a friend to call. I mean, I have both of those things but neither fits the bill, y'know? I guess that's why I blog. I'm not feeling very secure right now, but I am feeling tired and lonely and um. not privileged. Things I need to talk out. I've got so many blog entries stored up in my head it's ridiculous. SO I'm at my job after hours (which I was fussed at severely for doing last week) and instead of doing my taxes (which I've been trying to do since I had all the papers together in FEBRUARY, mind) I'm getting all those entries out in bits and pieces.
I went to the MSA East Zone conference this past weekend. I enjoyed it. Meeting so many young Muslims was very cool, inspiring, etc. So why am I frustrated now? I'm not sure.
We drove down to Florida, mashaAllah while it was snowing up here, I was soaking up some warm sunshine. My executive director essentially told me that I HAD to take a break. I really was stressed out, to the point where I got sick with the phlegmy-congestiony-hoopalahpa on Wednesday, before we left on Thursday.
Ooh, on Wednesday, we had the greatest meeting up at this One Local University (OLU) with a name similar to AlmaMater's. We met with higher-ups in their department of education, to discuss developing our test. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I'm mad excited to see my hard work paying off.
I wish that were the only thing I had to focus on. I'm not happy with my job and REALLY not happy that I had to cancel the interview I'd scheduled for today at another place. Now someone'll come along and tell me to just bear it, that the few fun/fulfilling moments are those I"m lucky to have. I'm not supposed to like my job. Am I crazy for wanting to be happy with my work, even as I work to improve? I think I'm in the wrong field... but definitely in the wrong office.
I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take the loans and go to nursing school or something. I've got to get going on what I KNOW will be what I want. I need a change. I'm restless. I'm not quite depressed but not happy and not normal. Just kinda bleh. I'm not meeting my goals, I feel like I'm marking time.
Back to East Zone. Last time I went to EZ was four years ago, and it seriously inspired me in my pursuit of Islam. SO I was disappointed that I didn't get as much out of it this year. I'm sure that had to do with the fact that I"m four years older and the entire time I was there I was hanging with a crowd of peeps a bit younger than I. While it was fun socially, I feel like it didn't do much for my deen.
It helped me realize something, though: I have got to get married.
Y'all have heard this before. I know. Hell, this thought goes through my head every day. Know how people say folk can think about sex up to every seven minutes or seven seconds or something like that? Well, yeah, that and making my life with another person to learn with and pray with and fight with and live with and love with there by my side. Only the most important drives are enough to take up your consciousness every seven minutes, right? I grew up with the New Testament refrain resounding in my head, "better to marry than to burn" and I'm getting to the point where I feel like burning is an inevitable and immediate part of my future and I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY.
This is a sore point.
One night as we sat on our slippery satin hotel covers, feet swinging between the beds, I was talking to Leila, a roomie at the conference. And we'd had a couple of sessions that day about marriage in Islam and 'assisted marriage' as opposed to arranged marriages (um, the upshot of the "You had me at salaam" session? one, you tell your parents what you want, the other they tell you what you want, but in the end they do the majority of the picking, and NO Dating Allowed as is halal of course. Big waste of time for me, but whatever) as well as "communication between the sexes" (that one was really meant for married couples though they didn't say so until we were all in the room and seated, but I gleaned some helpful things out of it) and I asked Leila, (wow, this paragraph is really train of thought, huh?) "how do you think you'll get married? Traditional, or American (those were the catchphrases we were using)?
She and the other girls had been interested in my question- they wanted to know, what did I want to ask them so badly? See, during the session with Imam Magid (yeah, we went all the way to Florida to hear sessions by Imam Magid, which ended up good in that I got to bend his ear about something that has been bothering me about ADAMS, but why did I have to go to Orlando to do all that?) and Dr. Yasmine, I sat in the front (but I always sit in the front, that's nothing new) and then when the Q/A session came, had my hand allll in the air, waving it around, etc. Finally, when the guys started bringing up questions that they'd written on note cards, I busted out my green pen and wrote my own question. Now, the moderator (and also the daughter in law of Dr. Yasmine the speaker if that mattered) had given me the 'nod' as if to say, "you're next", but then ignored me, and when I took my question to her, they both ignored it as well. The girls sat several rows behind me, so they saw me get up, they saw the other girls get up and take their questions and have them answered, so all these hours later (it must've been 2AM by the time Leila and I got to this question) they wanted to know.
I asked :
"How would you advise young people who really want to get married but have to go through the process "family-free"? I'm a convert, but I'm also thinking of kids who have very little interested family or people who are more practising than their parents."Do y'all know that question was completely ignored in the general session?
I don't give up easy, in fact I'm pretty well known for the way I Keep. Asking. Questions. until I get an answer on the things that matter to me. So I went up to Dr. Yasmine after the session and asked again. Of course, she pointed out the "Adopt an Auntie" suggestion that she'd made early in her speech. My problem is that I've done that, and it hasn't worked. I either ended up with nothing to show for it b/c the 'aunties' were either lazy or very very picky on my behalf , or I got hooked up with the dishonest men who were out for mut'a marriage(ASTAGHFIRULLAH) or second/third wives. Or the former jailbirds.
Man I was so discouraged. I thanked the sister because she did give me her card, and I'm writing her, but...
I'll get back to that in a second.
That night I really envied Leila the ability to respond as she did, in part: " I don't think there's anything wrong with going from my father's house to my husband's house. My dad... Islam is his life," she said, saying that he reinforced with her that it was always her choice, because that's mandated by the Qur'an. Her answer was that she might very well go the traditional route, but that her father (her mother died, may she have peace) told her that if she finds a man who's nice, and they get to know each other in a halal way, then he'll accept that too. Basically she said that she'll be married young, and that while one side of her family wants to push her to do the independent woman, own apartment, make money etc. thing, she's not into it, her dad agrees that she shouldn't have to, and she's lucky to be able to choose that and feel tis a legitimate and acceptable choice.
I... how to explain how I felt? I didn't quite envy her, because I was happy that her situation allowed her to do that even as mine pretty much completely excludes that. But felt a kinship in the certainty that she had that getting married young was going to be her choice and the right choice for her and she was fine with that even if it was against the mainstream. I think she's really lucky to have her father be allll about supporting her in an Islamically correct choice.
I'd told her that the reason I'd asked that question is because my parents are the opposite; my father still mentions the days of when I told him I wanted to graduate college and get married right off with disgust. You know how people kind of save things up to throw at you later during an argument? That's how I know how he views it. And I mean, yeah, for him, secular/Christian him, why go to college if you're going to get married right away? Why waste your brain in your youth by having kids right off? You can have sex anyway, people shack up and no one seems to stop them, so the idea of getting married so early is one that gives disgust. I don't agree but I know how he thinks.
My mother also pulled away from the idea of helping me search for different reasons- I think it's against everything she knows. The idea is foreign and uncomfortable. And yeah, some of it has to do with my issues; when I told her I don't date (still don't, heh, every attempt went disastrously, remind me to tell you about that sometime- let's just say that I dont' like it for now) she asked, "But, Twenny, if you don't date, how will you find someone? How will you know how that person is?"
Typical American argument. I guess I find it illegitimate because I feel if people who know both parties well do the search, and both parties are allowed to know each other well enough to truly consent to the marriage, then, you can get married without sharing a lot of the, what, fitna? that comes with girl/boyfriendhood here in the US dating culture. But later in that conversation she also let me know that I need to open up a little. I am very guarded with men, and with my feelings in general. For some people spending too much, or appearing with a hair out of place in public is their big deal, the thing they guard against- for me, well, I don't like having my trust or my emotions betrayed (yes, no one does, but for me it's that thing, and I'll get over looking crazy in a random picture before I forget exactly the circumstance under which I was hurt. I'm working on it, but at the same time it's been that way as long as i can recall.) Ain't that many people who know me, the real me, and not the images I project. I'm changing that, but what she said was that it was keeping me from getting dates, which is part of the point of my facades.
So, since I've been 19, I've not lived in the same city of my parents, where I grew up, for more than 2 weeks at a time. I only say 19, because I did spend the summer after freshman year there. Which is why I haven't done it again. The problem is probably me, not my parents or the city (it's kind of ridiculous to say a whole city is an issue with you, right?), but at the same time, since that first summer, the acquaintances I did have largely left the area, and I've always reached my limit at about 2 weeks.
SO my question really went... not unanswered but unfulfilled and I'm still asking. All the women (heck, and the men but they have much less of an issue from what I've heard, correct me if I'm wrong, please)
Leila and Reea and I also discussed the lack of an 'Alim (spelling, y'all?) at the MSA EZ conference. This was a picking point for both of them. So I had to ask what an alim is and then I let them explain why this was such a big deal. See, the point of one of the conference sessions went something like, "Americans, and Muslims: making your mark on Islam" or similar, and the speaker there was AMAZING. He was talking bout the infrastructure of the USA and how we as muslims can't do everything our community needs if we only educate ourselves to be doctors and lawyers, because those professions among others feed into some non-islamic conditions already tearing down our people here. His great example was about the doctor who wanted to provide free care. If Islam requires us to give charity and that can and should be time as well as money, then, wow, he was doing a great thing,r ight? He was fired, because American systems are set up to be all about money. Not that that's wrong, but it's not an islamic system, and to build up islamic ideals in this country, we've got to be able to branch out to provide all types of expertise and alternatives that we need. While that was interesting, the point Reea and Leila made was that this brother came with the hardcore evidence from the Qur'an and hadiths. Yes, multiple. The girls said (and I reflected and agreed) that he was really the ONLY speaker on a semi-secular issue who kept what he said Qur'an based and Islam focused, instead of stating an ayah at the beginning or end and tying their professional expertise to it instead of explaining the expertise from the Islamic bases (if they existed). Leila went so far as to say that they should've brought an alim over, which brought my original objection that this is an american conference, don't we have alims (alimeen? alimat?) here? She said yea, there're schools for that, but the point is that the deen-intensive learning wasn't there.
And we all agreed that there needs to be another version of EZ- but this one needs to be deen-intensive. No competition for the Qiyam ulLayl or the doing dhikr outside with Imam Zaid Shakir (I'm Still Mad I missed that one, since I'd've preferred to be there instead of where I was but it was rather hush hush).
There were also some pretty funny things going down. I got called "Mom" by like half the peeps from DC region. Not sure why- I think b/c of my OC tendency to be super prepared, so I had like this huge bag full of food in the car... but also how I had a blanket when we stopped to pray along the way and the gazebo had bird poop all over the floor...and how I'm big enough for Elle to jump all over me and hug me and shriek, "Moooom!" without completely falling over and how it wasn't a thang for me to go up to this guy one of the girls wanted to talk to and be like, "Ey, son, you tryna get married?" (No, I wasn't that ghetto, but yes I did that. He blushed his way through that one, gave me his fb name, so that I could find out there that he's with some girl named M___e- dude, I was straightforward with you, guess you're shy?) Hi-LARIOUS. I also got the same girl to get the info of a guy (Okay, his name was like Munawar? Minabar? I'm terrible!) who caught my eye, but I don't know if he knew it was for me. She was vague about this. Hmm.
Not everything was so focused. I met an amazing woman who is cubana, a convert married to a born muslim, and was there with her three (hiskool/college aged) kids, all of whom were awesome, mashAllah. She's been Muslim for 30 years and married for 22, and she knew EXACTLY what I'm going through. It was such a relief to meet someone like that. You have no idea. I adopted her on the spot, but she lives in Southern FL, boooo. Email shall have to suffice. I can't tell you how awesome it was to meet her though. I don't want to give away too much info , this blog is public, but it was definitely ironic the way I met her. We ended up chit chatting in Spanish- at least until my "child" Elle interrupted. I did some shopping and now officially own enough hijabs to make it through the summer without the pashmina that kept me through the cold winter. Yay! I also bought these books, Companions of the Prophet, that are an amazingly good read. I got pretty absorbed into them on the way back and it's my subway companion now.
The trip up and back was long but rewarding, at least on the way back. On the way down I totally slept most of the way, since I had that hoopalahpa thing going and was drugged up. I figured out about halfway through the first day of the conference that the drugs were hurting more than they helped. So we did the leg down with me (yeah, 6'2" me), Elle, and Leila in the backseat, and Mahmood and Neal in the front driving. Eh. Halfway through I was shrieking and demanding to be let out to stretch my joints- my knees were on fire- but other than that, it was your standard long road trip. I"m almost immune after years of 13-hour trips between Ohio and Alabama as a kid.
On the way back, Talib and the other drivers had done some switching around to allow for those who wanted to get back to DC Metro area earlier and those who wanted to go to Universal Studios. The in-betweens fell in my car: me, Mahmood, and Reea. I started in the backseat, but was so uncomfortable that both Mahmood and Reea suggested that I moved to the front. Mahmood hadn't talked much on the trip down, and I'd arranged my trip in 'his' car by email through a friend of a friend, so I didn't really know him and thought he was a kinda strict but good-hearted person, who cracked crazy jokes in emails, one who didn't socialize with women but was nice enough to give us a ride since we all needed one. Y'know, fisabilillah.
Naturally though I wanted to ride in the front and not be in agony allll the way back to DC, I didn't want to make the driver of the car uncomfortable, so I was cool with staying in the backseat and making him stop ever so often so I could stretch. So I was suprised when he goes, "Well, most girls are more comfortable riding in the back seat..." when Reea said that basically he'd become our driver since Neal went to Disney. HA! I'm not nor have I ever been most girls. I jumped in the front.
I almost wish I hadn't, though. Fifteen hours, eight lecture tapes, a bucket of chicken ,one $350 speeding ticket and countless exchanged words later, I've got a crush on Mahmood. SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Reea was in the car. So so glad.
That hadith about shaitan being the third when a man and woman are alone? Dude, I used to dismiss it, then I believed but academically, but, y'all, Sis. TwennyTwo has seen the light. Especially since this is no one I had even thought about thinking about until we were almost at the end of the trip. Beyond not my type (actually, he's short, dresses like whatever, otherwise he's smart and up on news, knows a lot about Islam, a great qari, even Reea said we share a sense of humor... hey wait! I'm supposed to be convincing myself NOT to like this guy! Gotta stick with the program!) And prolly (inshaAllah) I won't be thinking him about once the memories of the trip fades. And especially since I had the most embarassing and foul... um... breaking of wind... right as I was getting out of the car. HORRIBLE. Horrible. QUE VERGUENZA! After I'd called a male friend for directions from my house to Reea's university in the district at 3AM- (my friend D for those who follow the blog at all) and he answered my call. I imagined that didn't look too good either. Mahmood was all, " Thanks, D, now TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!" in a funny way, of course. And Reea thought I was saying "dad", not "D", but they were both profusely thankful even as I know they were wondering, "What kind of friend answers phone calls at 3AM?"
So ha. No liking of Mahmood.
geesh.
Some of y'all remember the crush of a couple weeks ago. I found out that he was just playing. I still talk to him, but much less than before. Someone said something during one of the conferences- something like,
See? Witness the above. I have my issues- I realize I like someone and then either wait for him to say something or try to convince myself that what I think /feel isn't real, or that I need him to validate it from his side of things. I tell myself that it's not there and it's not that deep if it is.
At the same time, I know what I want- I want to be married. I think I'm sabotaging myself. At least I'm having some fun while doing it, but yo, I'd rather not do it!
Wow, I've been writing for two and a half hours, this is going to be one heckuva post. I didn't even get to tell y'all how I met Baba 'Ali (nope, Ididn't take a picture, but there's now a challenge to me in there) or about how close I am to quitting my day job... yeah, I'm still singing that song. But it'll have to wait, my Lord and 'Isha prayer and then my house call me. Insha'Allah, soon.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, April 02, 2007
there's frustration and then there's this
Peace,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh man it has been a while, huh?
InshaAllah all two of y'all who're still reading are in the best of health and happy. I've wanted to write so many times and didn't know where to begin. I guess I was waiting for things to be worked out.
Here's the upshot: I want to be a nurse-midwife, a wife, a mother, a servant of Allah.
I'm just barely one of those things, and so in the midst of working toward the goals, I get frustrated. VERY. FRUSTRATED. Y'know? And I'm working a minimum of 40 hours a week and not being compensated. I don't like doing this. I guess I've been doing the adult equivalent of alternately being good and throwing tantrums for the past 3 weeks. Not pretty. Y'all don't need to see that.
Plus, I don't own my own computer.
So, hello to everyone. I miss you, I'm still reading you, I'm here. Happy April.
peace,
TwennyTwo
A Jasmine: recibi tu email, ya mismo, pero ahora blogger esta diciendo q. no estoy invitada. Que hago?
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh man it has been a while, huh?
InshaAllah all two of y'all who're still reading are in the best of health and happy. I've wanted to write so many times and didn't know where to begin. I guess I was waiting for things to be worked out.
Here's the upshot: I want to be a nurse-midwife, a wife, a mother, a servant of Allah.
I'm just barely one of those things, and so in the midst of working toward the goals, I get frustrated. VERY. FRUSTRATED. Y'know? And I'm working a minimum of 40 hours a week and not being compensated. I don't like doing this. I guess I've been doing the adult equivalent of alternately being good and throwing tantrums for the past 3 weeks. Not pretty. Y'all don't need to see that.
Plus, I don't own my own computer.
So, hello to everyone. I miss you, I'm still reading you, I'm here. Happy April.
peace,
TwennyTwo
A Jasmine: recibi tu email, ya mismo, pero ahora blogger esta diciendo q. no estoy invitada. Que hago?
Monday, March 19, 2007
What does it look like?
What does a cry for help look like?
Poor performance at work?
Staying out of contact with friends and family?
Sudden quitting on the job?
Is it the homeless person on the street?
Or the girl sitting next to you with the vacant stare?
Or the man who can't sit still?
What does it look like?
What if you see it? What will you do?
What if you make one? Do you get through?
What does it look like?
Poor performance at work?
Staying out of contact with friends and family?
Sudden quitting on the job?
Is it the homeless person on the street?
Or the girl sitting next to you with the vacant stare?
Or the man who can't sit still?
What does it look like?
What if you see it? What will you do?
What if you make one? Do you get through?
What does it look like?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
"Everyday is a great day"
peace,
I'm still alive, alHamdulIllah. Shabana made a comment that this American enthusiasm is such a great thing.... Shoot, don't you know I'm frontin' hard din' a mug?** I've been pretty down, but on those days I just don't write. I figured out some time ago that for whatever reason, I've got to be more self reliant and others take my kvetching as complaining instead of venting. *sigh*. So much for blogging being a release. That's a topic that comes up kinda often around the Isblogosphere, huh? Funny how sometimes I care and others I don't give a blip.
I have a friend who replies, "Alhamdulillah. Every day is a great day" whenever I ask how she's doing. It ALWAYS catches me off guard- because of how rote it is, yet unexpected. And true. I think I'm'a steal that line. All of the death and destruction of the past years need to serve as my reminder every single day.
I've got that second job I prayed so hard for, Alhamdulillah, and it's kicking my butt. I do like it though, and it's a great change from sitting all day to hauling and restocking groceries all night. I've lost another 5 lbs already, mashaAllah! The people are all nice, and normal; not a lot of teeny boppers work the night shift, which is when I work. The store is in Old Town, so let me know if you're headed that way and I'll tell you where. Lord knows I'd love to see even more friendly faces.
My day job... requires lots and lots of dua's. I'm at work and further just am too weary of the situation to go into it, but I'm so serious: I'm looking for another full-time professional position, so let a sister know if you know of one in the inside-395 DC area. ( Don't you love my specifics? I'm making istikhara on this one- hey, if I got one job that way...God always provides, wa Allahu Alim.)
calmingly,
twennytwo
* *(sorry, that means "I'm working hard on putting on a great face", for those who didn't grow up code-switching between English, Southern, and Ghettospeak.)
I'm still alive, alHamdulIllah. Shabana made a comment that this American enthusiasm is such a great thing.... Shoot, don't you know I'm frontin' hard din' a mug?** I've been pretty down, but on those days I just don't write. I figured out some time ago that for whatever reason, I've got to be more self reliant and others take my kvetching as complaining instead of venting. *sigh*. So much for blogging being a release. That's a topic that comes up kinda often around the Isblogosphere, huh? Funny how sometimes I care and others I don't give a blip.
I have a friend who replies, "Alhamdulillah. Every day is a great day" whenever I ask how she's doing. It ALWAYS catches me off guard- because of how rote it is, yet unexpected. And true. I think I'm'a steal that line. All of the death and destruction of the past years need to serve as my reminder every single day.
I've got that second job I prayed so hard for, Alhamdulillah, and it's kicking my butt. I do like it though, and it's a great change from sitting all day to hauling and restocking groceries all night. I've lost another 5 lbs already, mashaAllah! The people are all nice, and normal; not a lot of teeny boppers work the night shift, which is when I work. The store is in Old Town, so let me know if you're headed that way and I'll tell you where. Lord knows I'd love to see even more friendly faces.
My day job... requires lots and lots of dua's. I'm at work and further just am too weary of the situation to go into it, but I'm so serious: I'm looking for another full-time professional position, so let a sister know if you know of one in the inside-395 DC area. ( Don't you love my specifics? I'm making istikhara on this one- hey, if I got one job that way...God always provides, wa Allahu Alim.)
calmingly,
twennytwo
* *(sorry, that means "I'm working hard on putting on a great face", for those who didn't grow up code-switching between English, Southern, and Ghettospeak.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)