Monday, April 23, 2007

So now what?

peace,

Okay, no more day job! Whoo-hoo! I put in two weeks' notice dated for Friday. That means I have one more long, big trip- up to Salisbury, MD- and thirteen other days before I'm outta there and looking hardcore for another full time job.

While I feel exhilarated and at the same time peaceful about the decision, it's also scary to take the hit to my income and realize that I'll be out there floating without benefits. That's a doozy just now; I don't yet qualify (as I understand it) for the benefits under my grocery store job.

There's so much to say about the grocery store job. It boils down to this: I'm happy with the work and the people, and it's honest work, but at the same time I feel down deep somewhere that it's not where I'm supposed to be. Not that the work is beneath me, but that I SHOULD feel that it is. It's nagging me and the only thing keeping me from being completely happy with the place. My thing about working there is having to be there half an hour early, because from what I've seen over the past two weeks, I can get there on time- but any little delay with the Metro will trip me. I can't keep coming in late because of the train. So my resolution is to just get to work half an hour early, rather than be even 5 minutes late.

I've got a couple more 'so now what?' questions floating out there. I also wanted to finish/revisit my review of East Zone and your comments. Thanks to SM and Singlemuslimah, by the by, for your comments. I appreciate that you had to read an entire treatise in order to write them! There was a Project Downtown group yesterday, and I got to see Elle and Natiyyah (who I don't think I mentioned earlier, but she was at EZ). Reea wasn't there, which made me kinda sad- I'd wanted to see her again. I also saw Mahmoud, during which time I think I ticked him off by trying to give him my portion of the cash for that $350 ticket I mentioned.

The story is actually funny- we're all in the car, driving up 95 North, and by then I'm deeply absorbed in my Companions of the Prophet book, so much that I keep going, "huh!" and "Oh! Noo! Don't get them!" at various plot points in the story. I think I'd said something like "Oh, wow, that's awesome" while reading the story of the first Companion ever to lead the Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) in the salat. Mahmoud, who'd been going at least 100mph (and gettin' dusted- they don't play in the South) earlier in the drive, looked over to see who I was reading about, and then looked up and went, "astaghfirullah!" - he'd seen the cop turn around. At first I thought he'd missed us, but no. The car was pulled over and assessed at $350 ticket for being 28mph over the speed limit- had Mahmoud been going 2 mph faster the ticket would've been $500; had he been going 3 mph slower the ticket wouldve been $75. Got to be more careful.

Anyway my argument was that I really had distracted him from the road and thus was responsible for half the ticket. He wasn't having it. And I listened to the advice of my little sister who knows more on these things than I; I had to try to give him the cash and if he didn't take it, don't push it. So I tried and he was all, "Sister, you were reading a hadith. So you already get the reward for that. Don't give me this money now, let me get the reward for it in the akhira."
How was I going to argue that?

I like Mahmoud. Singlemuslimah (by the way, I'm waiting for updates, yo!) mentioned in comments that she thought that might have something to do with insecurity around men. So let me explain that I'm not insecure around men- in fact, my quite high comfort level around men is something I've struggled with since I took shahada, because all of my best friends have been (and if I'm truthful many continue to be) men. I'm close with very few women outside of the internet. I'm not sure why that is, but. I have a father, I have brothers, I have guy friends, all are cool. The ONLY exception is with men I'm interested in. So I don't know that it's insecurity so much as it's inexperience plus insecurity in that feeling.

Ech. Hard stuff to think about after a long day.

I didn't want to do this but I'm going to have to be girly for a second while I think about this.

I do know that with my crush from earlier this year, the attraction was more about the whole package, while with Mahmoud it's heavily mental... or cerebral. My crush (I don't know if I ever gave him a name, so let's call him Abdullah which is close) is tall, dark, big and handsome with a deep voice plus smart and funny. D, for comparison, is short (okay, not that short but shorter than me is short in my book), Asian with those stereotypical features, artistic and he's been around for a while (and he's not Muslim). And Mahmoud is short, kinda scrawny, hilariously dry with a wit that left my mouth hanging open several times. I can't figure out what it is that I find attractive. Just that I know it when it hits me. With Abdullah it's obvious (to anyone) and with D it has a lot to do with shared experience and loyalty. With Mahmoud maybe it's the shock factor- I don't think I've ever met a Muslim with a sense of humor like that. Whatever. I like him. I'm okay with that. After the old dude in PR, I began to understand the saying "Para los gustos, colores" (lit. for the tastes are the colors- there's no accounting for taste). That's not my issue.

My issue is getting over wanting something to HAPPEN because of it. That can't happen all the time- can you imagine? Shoot something only needs to happen one good time. My issue is really impatience. Because this is something unlike myself, that I cannot act upon or change. Ah, yes. That's it. The control freak in me goes nuts at being that vulnerable and not being able to either open myself further or close up against the feeling. I guess I feel like since I can control how I feel, if I take that control to stop liking him then at least I've DONE something.

So now what?

Now, nothing. As in, nothing! As in, my focus for the next two weeks at least is going to be keeping God first while finishing up these next couple weeks at the one job and improving at the other and looking for a third. That's enough to be on anyone's plate, much less mine.



Dua'a:

A lot of people say they'll make dua'a and don't; and a lot of people make dua'a without saying anything. When I was in undergrad I actually used to have a whiteboard where I wrote down all the people I'd make dua'a for, so I wouldn't forget. Nowadays, I keep the list in my head, but I wanted to ask you to make dua'a for baby Muhammad (son of The Imam's Daughter over on the left), and for Nzingha (Nzingha's Soapbox) and for Shabana (Koonj) for things that have happened or are ongoing for them all. Let me know if you know of someone I need to be remembering, too. And thank you for the dua'a you have made for me!

wa ma salaama

peace
TwennyTwo

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for this awesome update - and yes, you are in my duas hon.

    XO,
    Baraka

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  2. Awesome update, girl.

    I'm glad you've taken care of the job situation. I know just what you mean when you say that you should feel the work is beneath you. You know what? Don't even worry about it. It's not like you're some slacker or anything. Just do what you feel you need to do. Believe me when I tell you that feeling fades.

    I can't believe you tried to give him his money back. You know how men are about those things. As for "now what" you just have to trust in Allah and let these things happen. After reading this post I can now understand that it's not so much insecurity as, like, wanting to control the situation. I know exactly what you mean with that vulnerable feeling. It's tough and there's nothing you can do except ride it out.

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  3. Love to read your blog. I can't believe I haven't been reading all along! Don't worry, I'm spending my entire day today reading every update :)

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