I be thinkin', that's all

peace,

InshaAllah y'all are all doing really well.


I've come to the conclusion that I know nothing. It's up to me to be/get motivated in my life, so we'll see where that goes.

I'm also boy-crazy and going through puberty at the great late age of twennyfive. Yeah. Take all the fun symptoms from when you were 12-20 and then start them over at 25. Nuts, I tell you, nuts, and I don't want to get into particulars but this is NOT. Fun.

I've decided to begin marathon training again, in order to run the half-marathon in Cincinnati next May. If, inshaAllah, I make it through that (I've got something to prove) without killing myself, I'll look at either the Marine Corps Marathon or the NYC Marathon but we gotta take this one at a time! Remember, I barely have any sort of income, here.

I've registered (or, begun the registration process, rather) for a taribah (spelling) and ilm camp in Maryland shortly after my birthday. InshaAllah I can find a ride and actually go. I think it'll be a start. if I don't keep Islamic retreats and learning on the forefront of my activities, I'llstart to slide. Not what I want.

I'm working on applying to the position my father sent to me through my mother. And, I'm starting as an independent contractor *sigh* with an ESL school very close to my apt during the week, and working at The Grocery Store for the release and physical work on the weekends. So pray for patience and motivation to prepare properly and prevent piss poor performance at this new position. I've always hated lesson planning, but now I know it's key. I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight, and tomorrow's my first day of class.

Mama always did give me this thought, though: "Don't worry about being the new teacher. As horrible as it could be, you still know more than they do."

***

I want to get married. I need to get married.

Marriage is a very real thing to me. I'm just going to keep saying that so it's clear. Or until something changes. I've found that to be a very effective way of changing- keeping whatever it is I want to change right out in front of me until I get ticked off and make it change.

On less of an update tip, I've been thinking... on working on myself more. I be boycrazy, it's a fact of life that I've given up hoping will go away. But I also think about things that I want to change and, more importantly, things that I need to learn to accept.

I want a nice house with a partnering, leading husband and lots of kids. But even though I'm clean, I'm not neat and pretty disorganized to the eye at times. How do I work on that?

My finances are a wreck, I'm saving very slowly, a certain freely associated state government owes me money but can't take back the damage already done- and I want to change that. How do I work on that?

I'd love to talk or even communicate better with my family. How do I do that? This is no small matter- my grandmother is in intensive care, and I found out incidentally. WTH? And, I'm very ambivalent about her illness. I want her to be well, to get better so much, and yet... I feel like I don't know her, and what I do know, I don't like. I want to find great depths of compassion for her because she is my grandmother and that's my duty. But I've never had a huge amount of regard for things I should do just because they're my duty. How do I work on that?

I don't own a computer or a car, two very crucial methods of connection for me. How do I change that?

Yeah. Workin' on it.

Please make dua'a for my roomate. She's just broken off an engagement and needs all the support and prayers she can get. It's not the best situation and she's hurting and a real marvel of a woman to be functioning this far, so keep her in mind.

And do drop a comment to let me know you've been by!

ma salaama
TwennyTwo