Monday, June 18, 2007

I be thinkin', that's all


InshaAllah y'all are all doing really well.

I've come to the conclusion that I know nothing. It's up to me to be/get motivated in my life, so we'll see where that goes.

I'm also boy-crazy and going through puberty at the great late age of twennyfive. Yeah. Take all the fun symptoms from when you were 12-20 and then start them over at 25. Nuts, I tell you, nuts, and I don't want to get into particulars but this is NOT. Fun.

I've decided to begin marathon training again, in order to run the half-marathon in Cincinnati next May. If, inshaAllah, I make it through that (I've got something to prove) without killing myself, I'll look at either the Marine Corps Marathon or the NYC Marathon but we gotta take this one at a time! Remember, I barely have any sort of income, here.

I've registered (or, begun the registration process, rather) for a taribah (spelling) and ilm camp in Maryland shortly after my birthday. InshaAllah I can find a ride and actually go. I think it'll be a start. if I don't keep Islamic retreats and learning on the forefront of my activities, I'llstart to slide. Not what I want.

I'm working on applying to the position my father sent to me through my mother. And, I'm starting as an independent contractor *sigh* with an ESL school very close to my apt during the week, and working at The Grocery Store for the release and physical work on the weekends. So pray for patience and motivation to prepare properly and prevent piss poor performance at this new position. I've always hated lesson planning, but now I know it's key. I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight, and tomorrow's my first day of class.

Mama always did give me this thought, though: "Don't worry about being the new teacher. As horrible as it could be, you still know more than they do."


I want to get married. I need to get married.

Marriage is a very real thing to me. I'm just going to keep saying that so it's clear. Or until something changes. I've found that to be a very effective way of changing- keeping whatever it is I want to change right out in front of me until I get ticked off and make it change.

On less of an update tip, I've been thinking... on working on myself more. I be boycrazy, it's a fact of life that I've given up hoping will go away. But I also think about things that I want to change and, more importantly, things that I need to learn to accept.

I want a nice house with a partnering, leading husband and lots of kids. But even though I'm clean, I'm not neat and pretty disorganized to the eye at times. How do I work on that?

My finances are a wreck, I'm saving very slowly, a certain freely associated state government owes me money but can't take back the damage already done- and I want to change that. How do I work on that?

I'd love to talk or even communicate better with my family. How do I do that? This is no small matter- my grandmother is in intensive care, and I found out incidentally. WTH? And, I'm very ambivalent about her illness. I want her to be well, to get better so much, and yet... I feel like I don't know her, and what I do know, I don't like. I want to find great depths of compassion for her because she is my grandmother and that's my duty. But I've never had a huge amount of regard for things I should do just because they're my duty. How do I work on that?

I don't own a computer or a car, two very crucial methods of connection for me. How do I change that?

Yeah. Workin' on it.

Please make dua'a for my roomate. She's just broken off an engagement and needs all the support and prayers she can get. It's not the best situation and she's hurting and a real marvel of a woman to be functioning this far, so keep her in mind.

And do drop a comment to let me know you've been by!

ma salaama


  1. Lord, girl, you are having a bit of a struggle. That's okay though, just think of it as a test. Yeah, I've never been good with that either. Moving on....

    LOL at the late puberty. I was pretty boy crazy back in the day. Folks thought I would be fast but I shocked them all by being quite prim and proper.

    Good luck with the teaching job. I'm sure you'll be fantastic. Don't worry.

    "I want to get married. I need to get married." It must be in the water. Unfortunately, getting married is far more difficult that it should be. I feel like it wasn't this hard for my sister and her group. Like all of those girls were just married like that. Granted, they were younger and some of those marriages were arranged but still. I recommend taking a good look at who you are, what you want, what you've done to achieve your goal, and what you can do to get there. As Mariah Carey said "Make It Happen"

    As for bettering yourself; that's always a good thing. I, personally, do not now any men (except one of my uncles) that can abide by a woman that isn't neat and organized. Growing up, my house was always in tip top shape and my father wouldn't have had it any other way. I would start making a true effort to become neater and more organized, not only for a husband, but for yourself and your future. Just think of how hard it will be if you are all disorganized when you have kids. What a nightmare!

    As for finances, mine aren't in the best shape either but if your stressing over that with regard to marriage, I wouldn't. That being said, I would figure out what steps needed to be taken to get my finances in order. I would pick up a book by Suze Orman (she's good) or see what Michelle Singletary has to say. She's also good.

    As for your family, I just don't know. I think all you can do is pray on that and just try. Fake it till you make it. Maybe if you put in enough effort, you will overcome your ambivalence. I wouldn't beat myself up over it. There's a reason why you feel this way.

    I don't have a car and it sucks, big time. I often rent one but it's just not the same. Fortunately, I do get to use the family car sometimes. The only way for you to change that situation is to save your money for a down payment. Same goes for the computer.

    I will definitely make duaa for your roommate. Poor girl.

  2. salaam.
    don't worry you're not alone. i am so--oo messy. i used to think people found it cute. i don't think they think so anymore.
    as for saving, how about giving a certain amount of money to someone each month, say your mother or someone, and they can put it by for you. if they are strict with it and refuse to give in to you, you'll soon have enough money for a computer and car.
    as for the marriage situation, just pray for strength and patience. i'm sure the right guy will come along at the perfect time for you.

  3. i'm still VERY messy.
    as for marriage, i was kinda 'need to' at 33 as well :) it aint easy.
    But if the nice guy don't show up yet, don't waste time with the not-nice guy. no matter how hard it is, that's worse.