Sunday, September 18, 2005

Making decisions.

Today, by email, I turned down a position in Boston.

A nice one, though temporary- I'd be paid $750 per week for a little more than 2 weeks of work. Guiding kids and going to conferences. With the potential to stay on if I dazzle.

I had already been interviewed.

The recruiters had already called my references.

They were suitably impressed, and called Friday to offer me the job, pending my passing a background check (no problem).

I accepted. I was uneasy but had no concrete reason not to accept.

Then I had... 'discussions' with my mother and aunt, during which I put the situation out there. I felt like I needed help with making the decision. Because the job is 1)temporary and 2) In Boston, I had some issues. Do I take the well-paying but temporary position, and then keep on in part-time jobs afterward? Or take the two part-time positions I already have lined up and forego the opportunity, until I can find a part time job, and be squeezed to pay my bills? I don't have the money to go to Boston, too- or I do, but BARELY. I'm tired of having to ask for money. The thing is, once I get up there, I'm good. It's a marginality thing.

Then, too, was the part of the discussions about my taking the test requred to be a public school teacher which is paid with benefits, and then grind myself into being a teacher for another year. I think I said before that my great-aunt is paying for the test. Which costs way to flippin' much- I'm BROKE. I don't HAVE money to get transcripts from various schools sent, AND pay for testing and still pay my BILLS plus the actual not-insignificant TRANSPORTATION it costs just to go here and there on interviews both in and out of the public school system.
Anyway, since my great-aunt, aunt, and mother- hell, everyone- wants me to take the test, AND because I do have teaching experience, I figure, what the hey. Just do it, and pray and pray I actually get a job and then don't have to wait for-flippin-ever to be paid a mediocre to poor salary. I'm doing this for the benefits anyway. The emphasis I'm hearing is on health insurance- I don't have any of that right now, so if I get hit by a truck tomorrow I'll be in real deep.

All that isn't what's bugging me so much as that I feel really squeezed by decisions right now. I don't care to ask others for their opinion, but I do have trouble making decisions. It's hard to hear what they say and their opinions on how hard I'm working to get a job (I'm not being aggressive enough on the public school front, for instance- they have NO IDEA how crazy the system is after No Child Left Behind has begun to persecute teachers) when that doesn't HELP ME. I am NOT lazy. I AM broke. There's a difference, something a lot of people apparently don't get. My lack of resources is severely limiting my choices and the time I have to make them. I'm seeing so many parallel situations to my life on a national level right now. Tis ridiculous.

*sigh*. I'm mad at myself for even bringing it up and giving folk the opportunity to come at me like that. I'm just upset. Two days later. And hoping that I made the right decision. Since I've decided that I can't be asking anyone else what to do or how to do it anymore. I've been lucky enough to be able to do so thus far, but it's becoming a big PITA. I'm just not going to ask. If the consequences are rough, then too bad. At least I made the decision myself. It's much easier to live with negative consequences of a decision I made on my own as an adult than to hear negative opinions and options from others because I felt I couldn't make a decision on my own. Ha. There. I feel better now.

ma Salaama


  1. right on lady!

    I get so mad at myself when I allow the negativity of others to influence me and I end up doing nothing or doing the completely wrong thing when if I just would have listened to myself it all would have been ok.

    I also completely agree with you that I would rather have it be my own wrong decision than someone elses.
    I know getting to be a teacher is a pain in the ass- everyone says they need them but there is so much roadblocks and red tape for those who do not have a degree in education that is downright discouraging- but if you are at the level of all you have to do is take a test, at least give it a try. It isn't your money and it would only increase you earning power and credentials. Also if you get p.o-ed you can take your test results and license and head off to an american school in a 3rd world country and live like royalty.
    *oohhh I hear samba in your future*

    Anyway, I hope you get over the stress and it doesn't get you.


    oh ms aleksa's blog is

    if you lose this I have it in my user info on lj.

    HAHAHA she chose livejournal! Die Die!

  2. BAH! Boston is shit... good choice!

  3. boston does suck. I've been to the airport twice and sang the national anthem at a celtics game once and all three times I was not impressed. I wouldn't live there.


  4. Salaams: I LIVE IN BOSTON... Therefore, there is one SPECTACULARLY good reason to come here. (and just one)

    (unless you're really into things like seeing the Old North Church and Paul Revere's house) -- Umm Zaid, the reluctant (and temporary?) Bostonian