Making decisions.

Today, by email, I turned down a position in Boston.

A nice one, though temporary- I'd be paid $750 per week for a little more than 2 weeks of work. Guiding kids and going to conferences. With the potential to stay on if I dazzle.

I had already been interviewed.

The recruiters had already called my references.

They were suitably impressed, and called Friday to offer me the job, pending my passing a background check (no problem).

I accepted. I was uneasy but had no concrete reason not to accept.

Then I had... 'discussions' with my mother and aunt, during which I put the situation out there. I felt like I needed help with making the decision. Because the job is 1)temporary and 2) In Boston, I had some issues. Do I take the well-paying but temporary position, and then keep on in part-time jobs afterward? Or take the two part-time positions I already have lined up and forego the opportunity, until I can find a part time job, and be squeezed to pay my bills? I don't have the money to go to Boston, too- or I do, but BARELY. I'm tired of having to ask for money. The thing is, once I get up there, I'm good. It's a marginality thing.

Then, too, was the part of the discussions about my taking the test requred to be a public school teacher which is paid with benefits, and then grind myself into being a teacher for another year. I think I said before that my great-aunt is paying for the test. Which costs way to flippin' much- I'm BROKE. I don't HAVE money to get transcripts from various schools sent, AND pay for testing and still pay my BILLS plus the actual not-insignificant TRANSPORTATION it costs just to go here and there on interviews both in and out of the public school system.
Anyway, since my great-aunt, aunt, and mother- hell, everyone- wants me to take the test, AND because I do have teaching experience, I figure, what the hey. Just do it, and pray and pray I actually get a job and then don't have to wait for-flippin-ever to be paid a mediocre to poor salary. I'm doing this for the benefits anyway. The emphasis I'm hearing is on health insurance- I don't have any of that right now, so if I get hit by a truck tomorrow I'll be in real deep.

All that isn't what's bugging me so much as that I feel really squeezed by decisions right now. I don't care to ask others for their opinion, but I do have trouble making decisions. It's hard to hear what they say and their opinions on how hard I'm working to get a job (I'm not being aggressive enough on the public school front, for instance- they have NO IDEA how crazy the system is after No Child Left Behind has begun to persecute teachers) when that doesn't HELP ME. I am NOT lazy. I AM broke. There's a difference, something a lot of people apparently don't get. My lack of resources is severely limiting my choices and the time I have to make them. I'm seeing so many parallel situations to my life on a national level right now. Tis ridiculous.

*sigh*. I'm mad at myself for even bringing it up and giving folk the opportunity to come at me like that. I'm just upset. Two days later. And hoping that I made the right decision. Since I've decided that I can't be asking anyone else what to do or how to do it anymore. I've been lucky enough to be able to do so thus far, but it's becoming a big PITA. I'm just not going to ask. If the consequences are rough, then too bad. At least I made the decision myself. It's much easier to live with negative consequences of a decision I made on my own as an adult than to hear negative opinions and options from others because I felt I couldn't make a decision on my own. Ha. There. I feel better now.

ma Salaama
TwennyTwo