I don't want to be a grownup sometimes. This is immature, I know. But still.
Mama told me that the twenties aren't easy. I'm starting to think... is ANY age easy? At least I'm still alive. Praise God.
All this comes about b/c I'm at a turning point again. My great aunt said she'd pay for my Praxis, a PITA* test that I have to take to be certified as a teacher in DC. I know that DC has teacher vacancies, because it's the only district that sent me a nice fat letter telling me the fitty-bazillion inane and pointless little steps I have to (voluntarily) go through in order to be a teacher. I want to do this why? What's that? Money and self support and benefits to kids? Oh, ok. I guess that's worth all this PITA*. Oh, yeah, and my family wants me to be able to support myself, which is why I'm letting them push me in this direction s'darn hard.
My mother also said that I'm really...intense nowadays. This is true. She said it b/c I was crying when I talked on the phone to her. I'm noticing this more and more- I don't yell anymore. (This is an improvement. Trust.) I don't scream, I don't whine, I don't throw things. But I cry more than any grownup should. IMO. Which goes back to that first statement.
When I pointed that I'm getting better in the anger/frustration management department,she replied with:
"You know what'll fix that?"
Twenny: "What? Sleep?"
Mama: " Sex."
Twenny: "Pssht. Yeah, right. (pause, thinking on my non-prospects) Not having any of that. Thanks, Mommy."
Mama: "It would. It did it for me. Why you think I was married at 23? You get some sex and you won't be nearly as intense."
Daamn. Now my own MOTHER is rubbing my chastity and um, lack of sexual activity in my face. This is a sad, strange day, y'all. I feel pathetic for real.
I had two job interviews today, and in the interest of getting a job... I took the extreme step of removing my hijab. Of course both employers were suitably enthused about my prospects. They loved me, y'all. That was one for uncertainty- to get such a reaction... but I know it couldn't have just been the hijab. One even went so far as to tell me that I'll start Friday- or as soon as his boss can talk to me. Great.
Then I got on the subway and of course, saw a sister wearing a beautiful blue amira hijab and my heart went "MIIIIINNNNNEEEE!" I felt SO uncomfortable being in the professional world uncovered for the first time in 3 years. Man. I saw a couple of sisters on the street (cause for excitement itself: we ain't in portareeco no more, toto!) and said "Assalamu Alaikum", and they replied quite nicely after giving me the, "Are you for real?" look. I needed hijab! Instant recognition! Instant salaams!
Know what? I don't like not wearing hijab. If I get a job I'm putting it back on, so then if they want to fire me it'll be plain discrimination. How they like 'dem apples. It's on my portareecan ID anyways. I know I'll be fighting with my entire family once I break down and apply for a mainland license (haven't decided which state yet. I have so many options: OH, where the parents live, VA, where my aunt lives, DC, where I want to get an apt, or MD, where I might work. Joy.) over the hijab. I don't know WHY people have to get in a tizzy over headgear. It's. Just. Hair.
Phew. Mashallah I feel better after that. I guess I had a lot to get out there.
Blogging's a little slow this week. I think back-to-school plus Hurricane Katrina has everyone occupied. Not me. Make duas, y'all. Job-and-happiness-and-deen duas. It's the month before Ramadan, as Umm Zaid pointed out, and I want to be ready since I'm sooo unstable right now, so I think I'll fast tomorrow, and every Monday and Thursday until Ramadan. And get all 5 prayers done while fasting, insha'Allah. Didja hear that! I just made intention! Now I'll hold myself to it.
Ok. I'm procrastinating. THere's not much to do, so I think I'll pray and then go to bed at the unprecedented hour of 10 pm. There's an unemployed woman for ya.
*PITA= Pain In The Arse