Friday, January 20, 2006

Touch. And Love.

peace, y'all

Warning: This entry contains whine without cheese. Incoherence and pure emotion are contained within. And girly thoughts, and nafs-y thoughts. You have been warned.

Due to recent events and non-events affecting my emotional life recently, I've done some reading and some thinking about the nature of love.

There are really two places, maybe three, where I get love: my friends, my family, and my students.

That's love as expressed in actions and in words.

And that's good. I like all 3 and I'm aware now that I'm fully dependent on the first two for balance. My family, especially my mother, provide the greatest love I have ever known. My friends, my peers, keep their eyes open and watch my back, and that's crucial, because I have some blind spots that need their watchin' just like theirs need mine. My students rarely show they love me like all that (well, the older ones- the fourth graders let me know that they appreciate my steadiness with them), though I know they do. They're more an outlet where I, with my teaching (I am not some kind of pervert people, just a born teacher), show that I care about them, their spirits, what they do and what happens to them. That's why I teach. It's love.

I keep reminding myself that I have very present love in my life. I take my fingers and pry my mental eyes open to see it, because I live in a world that pushes *ahem* heterosexual romance and regard as love, and recognizes the love that I live with in a very distant second place to that romance. Which is something pretty lacking for me. I have to recognize that love for what it is, legitimate, and pure, and OKay for me to have.

I've mentioned before that I feel the lack of touching with men pretty keenly, especially since I've begun to focus on bringing my understanding of Islam to light in my daily life. (I feel it to a much lesser extent EVERYWHERE, since the aunt and uncle and two of the three cousins I live with are mostly exactly the opposite when it comes to touch, and I live far, far away from the rest of my family.) That's the part of that, um, romantic love that I can dig (My jury is still out of public view on that recklessly lusty stuff). What my mama calls being 'up under' people. Reading newspapers with heads on shoulders, sitting and touching arms or thighs incidentally when you eat, arms wrapped around necks and waists as you walk, elbowing when you tease, hugs and besitos when you run into peeps on the street or at a party or in the library, walking up behind the seated one and rubbing the shoulders and playing in the hair, tag-you're-out on the field. I miss this.

More, I feel starved for it. Touch-starved. To the point that where now when something like that happens, I've caught myself giving a great, long, sigh **whhhhhewww**. An unwilled release of tension present for so long I forgot it was there. I practically deflated like a balloon once. (It was funny then, and now, but now I think back on it as the point where I realized that it was happening.)

Since I'm being out there, why stop with that observation?

The one thing I still resent about Islam the action(and not Islam of the spirit), the one reason I've seen that really just kills about living as a muhejebah and holding myself to being a Muslim, is the removal (without reconciliation, I now realize,) of touch and easiness with men from my life. What I knew and hoped for as romantic love is NOT in my life. I grew up as an American Black with dreams of growing up and getting kissed and gettin' married in a white sleeveless dress with the man I met and stayed with since freshman year in college and got to touch mentally and physically before I married him. Okay, as I grew the dream got revised, but I made a decision that I didn't realize would crush it so neatly and completely.

Call it nafs. I realize this isn't the most pristine thing to admit. But it's reality. Resentful is just the way I feel. I refrain, but, like I said, my reaction to events and non-events make me feel mad about it. This is not joyful acquiescence to the will of God.

That's what's bugging me, and what made me start to think about the other loves that I do have, subhanAllah.

I've also said, and I do believe, that everything is choice. So I'm mad because, wait wait wait. I'm CHOOSING to stick to a POV and way of life that has me resentful and miserable? But it's true. I could be like so many people I know who are Muslim and pray like clockwork and have boyfriends and girlfriends (note intentional pluralization), tight clothes and public TOUCH.

And in the non-events of recent times I've been inching toward that. Listening to the nafs going , "Why not? Does God really care? Can't you be Muslim and still enjoy this? This is a natural normal desire in life!" I was talking to Em about it the other day, because we were talking about our abilities to be part of two different cultures, and other peoples' struggle to accept that. I was aggravated over my current crush, and talking about being both American and Muslim, and she said, "I don't belong to any culture that contradicts or tries to restrain the other. So I don't know how you do that."

At the end of it all, I have to live with myself. Which is why I do have lines that I won't cross, not for what others will think (and unfortunately as an unmarried Muslim convert who hopes for a match from the Ummah, I prudently DO keep others' eyes and opinions in mind), but because everyday when I say 'Astaghfirullah' during Isha prayer I do account for what I've done. I resent mySELF when I've explained to some stranger that yes,within Islam there are Surahs and Hadith that explain that women shouldn't be in closed rooms with strange men, while at the same time I've spent an hour dreaming about being alone with a friend who would qualify as strange.

Help.

The only help I have for myself is to turn my head away from the possibility of that romantic love being present for me. I don't know if it's possible, but Lord knows I am trying b/c the one person on earth I want to love more than anything is my own self. I don't like this and I don't want to be resentful anymore. Nor tense and harpy-ish. Prayer works until I go out into the world. And my state of living is not such that withdrawing from the world is an option.

Suggestions?

Anyone know how to give herself a hug as good as any man's? Let me in on the secret.

peace
TwennyTwo

11 comments:

  1. It's 1am so I'm just going to say, I hear you loud and clear. I was 33 when I got married. More later.

    Meantime, a poor substitute - a virtual hug and kiss from a GIRL :)

    Thanks for saying it. It's tough putting it out there.

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  2. Thank you for listening!

    Yeah, I almost didn't write that entry. It's hard to face what you think people are gonna say.

    But tis reality, so there it is.

    Peace
    TwennyTwo

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  3. What a beautiful & honest entry. Thank you for sharing. May you be blessed with fulfillment & sakina today & in what you seek for tomorrow.

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  4. It is hard to say these things and you have a lot of courage. We have our needs and desires and they are natural. Our bodies need touch, our hearts and souls need love, and our libido's crave satisfaction. Marriage is good if it is with a good man and in my experience you can easily make a mistake in your choice if all those needs are too much in the foreground. You can try and relieve them a little, if not with romance, at least with friendship. I find massage very comforting, it makes you feel good, you are touched, and it's healthy. If you have a friend or sister you can exchange foot or head massage with regularly, or you could try Shiatsu massage with a female practitioner. You don't have to remove clothing for a good shiatsu. Visiting close friends and sisters for a good chat, especially if they are like-minded is also helpful. Of course none of this will take away your longing for a relationship with a man but it might help to ease the way a little and lessen the feeling of resentment. I have made mistakes in my life in this respect and I admire you for your perseverence.

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  5. sister girl... join the club.
    My advice to you? a box of chocolate, "sense and sensebility" on dvd followed by another purging blog entry where you line up five reasons to be single.
    Ok...maybe not.. here's a *hug* for you.

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  6. Peace, all-

    Thanks for your comments and contributions.

    I'm looking into the massage, in the meantime it helps to have my little cousins hug me, everything helps a bit.

    Sense and Sensibility? Anything like Pride and Prejudice? I finally just read that (yes, I know, I was given and took the option to skip it in high school to my everlasting shame) and I LOVED it. *sigh* ah, romance...

    Pray. Pray without ceasing, with the fullness of your souls, and know that I am doing the same with you...

    TwennyTwo

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  7. It is definately hard to live in this country and not have a partner, with all the movies, music, books, and public displays of affection that seem to constantly be in your face. In the sunnah , fasting is recommended to help decrease these feelings. But the best antedote is marriage. My advice in this is to attend masjid activities, muslim community activities, conferences. The good men are there, and looking there. You have to put some effort. May Allah help you in this and help us all inshaAllah in His path.

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  8. as-salaam alaykum,

    the following poem just came to mind (as much because of your blog name as this particular post):

    When I was one-and-twenty
    I heard a wise man say,
    ?Give crowns and pounds and guineas
    But not your heart away;

    Give pearls away and rubies
    But keep your fancy free.?
    But I was one-and-twenty,
    No use to talk to me.

    When I was one-and-twenty
    I heard him say again,
    ?The heart out of the bosom
    Was never given in vain;
    ?Tis paid with sighs a plenty
    And sold for endless rue.?
    And I am two-and-twenty,
    And oh, ?tis true, ?tis true.

    (AE Housman)

    ReplyDelete
  9. as-salaam alaykum,

    the following poem just came to mind (as much because of your blog name as this particular post):

    When I was one-and-twenty
    I heard a wise man say,
    "Give crowns and pounds and guineas
    But not your heart away;

    Give pearls away and rubies
    But keep your fancy free."
    But I was one-and-twenty,
    No use to talk to me.

    When I was one-and-twenty
    I heard him say again,
    "The heart out of the bosom
    Was never given in vain;
    'Tis paid with sighs a plenty
    And sold for endless rue."
    And I am two-and-twenty,
    And oh, 'tis true, 'tis true.

    (AE Housman)

    ReplyDelete
  10. What an honest and beautifully written post. May Allah (SWT) make it easy for you.

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  11. Assalamu Alaykum.

    Oh, well. Even guys feel that way. And perhaps you will find comfort in the fact that there are quite many of us (both g&g) out there. This yearning and remaining chaste will earn you plenty of points for the Hereafter. Yearning is not in your control, but remaining chaste is. Try to help a human (and especially a muslim) in dire need, and it will give you solace and comfort from things that you are deprived yourself. In my opinion, striving to make a soul happy causes immense satisfaction and makes one feel light-hearted. Also try to recite the Hizb of Imam Shadhili (Hizbu'l Bahr) and try to read it with a translation - the meanings are very profound and are deeply comforting.

    May Allah grant you a kind, loving and a Mu-min husband.

    ReplyDelete