peace
invatuations... suck.
That said, I'm in a very happy place right now. Takbeer.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, November 13, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
Things to read, read to know, know to grow
peace,
I've been up and down lately, but I'm still here.
MashaAllah I've come through a really difficult time lately, and I feel like the sun is rising again. Thanks to everyone (Yes, You! Koonj, HijabApprentice, Single Muslimah, Barakah, Umm Ibrahim, I'm sorry anyone else if I left you out, I'll edit you in later!) for your comments. I'm working on a post to reply to some of you (MuslimApple, I replied to you in comments) in detail.
Meanwhile, it's NaBloPoMo as well as NaNoWriMo. I'm not participating in either (if y'all can't tell already, hee hee) but there are EXCELLENT posts out there in keeping with the theme: WRITE this month, even if it's not good.
Well, I'm benefiting from the reading this month :
UmmZaid (SunniSisters), after all she's been through with relocation, 'Eid, etc. found a moment to grace us with this piece on true-if-nonpracticing-belief vs. acting like a muslim. Excellent. I don't know that I agree with everything (but I'm like that) but I do know that I'd love to see her as a speaker one day. Yes, you.
Maliha at Lightness of Being absolutely shines in her piece on being tired of others' view on her own personal hijab. Go you! And I'm NOT being sarcastic. I'm muhejebah and I STILL have days where I could toss it in the mud. For ummah reasons and for nafs reasons. Speak your truth. I defend my right to wear hijab, but also your right not to be badgered about yours.
The New York Times has an article on one of my fave subjects, public health. The topic of the moment? How TOILETS are being underused as a tool for preventing sickness and thus bringing people out of death and poverty. It could be more in-depth, but this is a newspaper, not the stuff I used to read/write in college. Good stuff. Oh, and tis free this week for some promotion, so read while you can.
during Ramadan, I read in the Qur'an that we are put here to be tested. (Actual verse, anyone? I love that, I need to have it in calligraphy on my wall. I digress.) DahGurl, one of those mommy bloggers that I read because I have no life (with my twennysomethin' no kids no husband self) hit it right on the head with her accounting of how the trials of this life are "Not for Entertainment Purposes". This woman speaks the language of comfort for me; this is my mother's voice in my head, the faith that founded my search for Islam. Really, if she were 10 years older she'd be my mama's twin. ANyway, I enjoyed it.
Off to do actual work. Will talk to y'all soon, big hugs!
peace
TwennyTwo
I've been up and down lately, but I'm still here.
MashaAllah I've come through a really difficult time lately, and I feel like the sun is rising again. Thanks to everyone (Yes, You! Koonj, HijabApprentice, Single Muslimah, Barakah, Umm Ibrahim, I'm sorry anyone else if I left you out, I'll edit you in later!) for your comments. I'm working on a post to reply to some of you (MuslimApple, I replied to you in comments) in detail.
Meanwhile, it's NaBloPoMo as well as NaNoWriMo. I'm not participating in either (if y'all can't tell already, hee hee) but there are EXCELLENT posts out there in keeping with the theme: WRITE this month, even if it's not good.
Well, I'm benefiting from the reading this month :
UmmZaid (SunniSisters), after all she's been through with relocation, 'Eid, etc. found a moment to grace us with this piece on true-if-nonpracticing-belief vs. acting like a muslim. Excellent. I don't know that I agree with everything (but I'm like that) but I do know that I'd love to see her as a speaker one day. Yes, you.
Maliha at Lightness of Being absolutely shines in her piece on being tired of others' view on her own personal hijab. Go you! And I'm NOT being sarcastic. I'm muhejebah and I STILL have days where I could toss it in the mud. For ummah reasons and for nafs reasons. Speak your truth. I defend my right to wear hijab, but also your right not to be badgered about yours.
The New York Times has an article on one of my fave subjects, public health. The topic of the moment? How TOILETS are being underused as a tool for preventing sickness and thus bringing people out of death and poverty. It could be more in-depth, but this is a newspaper, not the stuff I used to read/write in college. Good stuff. Oh, and tis free this week for some promotion, so read while you can.
during Ramadan, I read in the Qur'an that we are put here to be tested. (Actual verse, anyone? I love that, I need to have it in calligraphy on my wall. I digress.) DahGurl, one of those mommy bloggers that I read because I have no life (with my twennysomethin' no kids no husband self) hit it right on the head with her accounting of how the trials of this life are "Not for Entertainment Purposes". This woman speaks the language of comfort for me; this is my mother's voice in my head, the faith that founded my search for Islam. Really, if she were 10 years older she'd be my mama's twin. ANyway, I enjoyed it.
Off to do actual work. Will talk to y'all soon, big hugs!
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I voted
peace
I'm young, and I voted.
And I'm officially a Virginian.
Y'all KNOW I feel some kinda gratified right now. What if it all came down to a vote that was mine!
I went through a bunch of guff in order to vote, though. Seems the state DMV hadn't changed my address (why am I not surprised?) and so the pollworker, a woman with a disagreeable expression, tried to send me to the other side of the world. At 6PM. I'd never make it. So I set about asking questions, making phone calls, and got my vote in.
The coworker who sits in front of me, the one who uses incorrect grammar and keeps acting as if his coersion will get me to date him (*shudder*) maintains that it's pointless for "us" to vote. Things are the way "they" want them to be. Have been since "we" got here so many years ago, and what's one little vote going to do? That's reality, we should all just accept it. Needless to say, he admitted to not voting.
Upsetting. Finally I just told him that we should consider the conversation over, since I was disgreed with his point of view.
And I guess it's good he didn't vote.... I feel like I won the argument before I ever opened my mouth. INsha'Allah I'll be voting every. single. year as long as I am physically able.
peace
TwennyTwo
I'm young, and I voted.
And I'm officially a Virginian.
Y'all KNOW I feel some kinda gratified right now. What if it all came down to a vote that was mine!
I went through a bunch of guff in order to vote, though. Seems the state DMV hadn't changed my address (why am I not surprised?) and so the pollworker, a woman with a disagreeable expression, tried to send me to the other side of the world. At 6PM. I'd never make it. So I set about asking questions, making phone calls, and got my vote in.
The coworker who sits in front of me, the one who uses incorrect grammar and keeps acting as if his coersion will get me to date him (*shudder*) maintains that it's pointless for "us" to vote. Things are the way "they" want them to be. Have been since "we" got here so many years ago, and what's one little vote going to do? That's reality, we should all just accept it. Needless to say, he admitted to not voting.
Upsetting. Finally I just told him that we should consider the conversation over, since I was disgreed with his point of view.
And I guess it's good he didn't vote.... I feel like I won the argument before I ever opened my mouth. INsha'Allah I'll be voting every. single. year as long as I am physically able.
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, November 05, 2006
To Exist is to Resist
Raising Yousuf, Unplugged: To Exist is to Resist Thanks to Umm Yousuf, whose blog is on my sidebar, for the update. I'm relying her and others like her for alets. News around here doesn't always focus on what meets MY criteria or needs our attention. Y'know?
Is anybody out there? Are you still watching this?
American eyes have turned to the war in 'Iraq, and to be honest not as many as necessary were ever interested in the Palestinian cause.
Whether or not they were being "used" by others, two women lost their lives today. Are you still watching?
I am.
I think I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I got a "letter" back from Abeer, my dear friend, the one Muslim woman I met who lived in Guayama, and who moved back to Palestine shortly before I left Puerto Rico. Funny thing: the envelope included four pictures- one each of herself and her 3 children, whom I love as if they were my sibs. But I'd written Abeer a LONG long letter in Spanish, and included my email address. There was no written communication in my letter from her- I even checked the inside of the envelope. Nothing. I haven't even had an email (though I understand that Abeer might not have computer access). The letter was sent in July; I got it in October.
I watch every day praying that I don't hear more through the television screen, that they're okay, that the people come through okay.
peace
TwennyTwo
Is anybody out there? Are you still watching this?
American eyes have turned to the war in 'Iraq, and to be honest not as many as necessary were ever interested in the Palestinian cause.
Whether or not they were being "used" by others, two women lost their lives today. Are you still watching?
I am.
I think I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I got a "letter" back from Abeer, my dear friend, the one Muslim woman I met who lived in Guayama, and who moved back to Palestine shortly before I left Puerto Rico. Funny thing: the envelope included four pictures- one each of herself and her 3 children, whom I love as if they were my sibs. But I'd written Abeer a LONG long letter in Spanish, and included my email address. There was no written communication in my letter from her- I even checked the inside of the envelope. Nothing. I haven't even had an email (though I understand that Abeer might not have computer access). The letter was sent in July; I got it in October.
I watch every day praying that I don't hear more through the television screen, that they're okay, that the people come through okay.
peace
TwennyTwo
Friday, November 03, 2006
Back, and MashaAllah, better than ever
The 'Reminder' series by Baba 'Ali and the Ummah Films crew is back. I've seen it. BETTER THAN EVER.
As a muhejebah who struggles with it, I found moments when I cracked up... and moments when I knew I was the one being *ahem* reminded.
Enjoy! And please stop by ummahfilms.blogspot and leave comments. InshaAllah we can keep this going with our support.
peace
TwennyTwo
The 'Reminder' series by Baba 'Ali and the Ummah Films crew is back. I've seen it. BETTER THAN EVER.
As a muhejebah who struggles with it, I found moments when I cracked up... and moments when I knew I was the one being *ahem* reminded.
Enjoy! And please stop by ummahfilms.blogspot and leave comments. InshaAllah we can keep this going with our support.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Reading myself
peace
So today I spent WAYY TOO MUCH time looking for myself. I wanted to read someone that's like me, you know? I wanted that tingly/sizzly feeling I get when someone hits it right.on.the.head, they feel you, know what you're sayin', have written your day onto the paper.
Most days I can get pretty close. Or at least distracted. Not today.
Boo.
I want to read myself, but I haven't been myself. For so long I've been restrained. Here and in real life.
Days like this, when I'm reflective and full-up with unpretty feelings, days like this I understand why sometimes even my family doesn't like me that much. I don't even like myself. I'm manipulative, lustful, self-pitying, whiny, mean (really mean), incredibly selfish. Today, as much as I WANT to focus on other people, on the beauty of the world, on anything but myself and my horribleness, it's a real task.
I've been holding this inside for so long. The last time I remember not having to fight this feeling in it's spiraling comings and goings was, oh, second grade or so. Can you imagine? Not wanting other people to come in contact with the poisonous parts of me... I've done what I shouldn't and held it in and poisoned myself. All the while hating myself for not being stronger when it bubbles to the surface, for letting it splash onto other people. This is when the slow tears leak. This is when I get scared because I hurt so damned badly and it's not a hurt I can point to, indent my skin with my index and say "Right HERE. THIS IS WHERE IT'S BAD. KISS IT ALL BETTER, NOW." It's a pain that's very privately infernally real, worse now than ever. These are the days when the talismanic prayer never leaves my mind 'cause I think I'm going down, down, down in a storm of lonliness and cold: audhu billahi min ashaitan irrajim. audu billahi min ashaitan irrajim. audhubillahiminashaitanirrajim. I am the child running to hide, clinging in the soft, strong ruchs of His garment, behind The Only One who can possibly save me. If. Possibly. It follows me even in the folds. It circles everywhere in wait.
I just get so scared to let God out of my sight. Are you kidding? That FEARPAIN has already half eaten me alive.
What am I Supposed to do with poison? It seems like examining this state of being is when it is hardest to really pray. It becomes going through the motions, feeling the iciest deepest indigo despair that I'm not loveable, that no one not even I can try, that I'm not even worthy of notice by the One above. I'm deafened, colors blur and blend and mute themselves, my awareness retreats in a last ditch effort to keep "me" for the time when I can come out and feel better days. Tap me on the shoulder, let the phone ring, and my head swings to the side, my eyes in outer space. I'm zoned from the pain and the unbeareable dimness of the Light. Sister asks, "Have you been drinking?" I would, had it a possibility of helping. That door, too, is closed.
al final, here it is, i can read myself. I hope with everything left in me to take nothing from this, from these days, from feeling poisoned and terrified and drunk, gasping for some air. Nothing but the "me" sheltered by some preserving instinct. I don't need a souvenir. The memories are stained in. For all who will look to see and none to understand.
This is the trembling fear after which no one on this earth can tell me Satan is not a reality. These are the days that make me so grateful there is a God.
So today I spent WAYY TOO MUCH time looking for myself. I wanted to read someone that's like me, you know? I wanted that tingly/sizzly feeling I get when someone hits it right.on.the.head, they feel you, know what you're sayin', have written your day onto the paper.
Most days I can get pretty close. Or at least distracted. Not today.
Boo.
I want to read myself, but I haven't been myself. For so long I've been restrained. Here and in real life.
Days like this, when I'm reflective and full-up with unpretty feelings, days like this I understand why sometimes even my family doesn't like me that much. I don't even like myself. I'm manipulative, lustful, self-pitying, whiny, mean (really mean), incredibly selfish. Today, as much as I WANT to focus on other people, on the beauty of the world, on anything but myself and my horribleness, it's a real task.
I've been holding this inside for so long. The last time I remember not having to fight this feeling in it's spiraling comings and goings was, oh, second grade or so. Can you imagine? Not wanting other people to come in contact with the poisonous parts of me... I've done what I shouldn't and held it in and poisoned myself. All the while hating myself for not being stronger when it bubbles to the surface, for letting it splash onto other people. This is when the slow tears leak. This is when I get scared because I hurt so damned badly and it's not a hurt I can point to, indent my skin with my index and say "Right HERE. THIS IS WHERE IT'S BAD. KISS IT ALL BETTER, NOW." It's a pain that's very privately infernally real, worse now than ever. These are the days when the talismanic prayer never leaves my mind 'cause I think I'm going down, down, down in a storm of lonliness and cold: audhu billahi min ashaitan irrajim. audu billahi min ashaitan irrajim. audhubillahiminashaitanirrajim. I am the child running to hide, clinging in the soft, strong ruchs of His garment, behind The Only One who can possibly save me. If. Possibly. It follows me even in the folds. It circles everywhere in wait.
I just get so scared to let God out of my sight. Are you kidding? That FEARPAIN has already half eaten me alive.
What am I Supposed to do with poison? It seems like examining this state of being is when it is hardest to really pray. It becomes going through the motions, feeling the iciest deepest indigo despair that I'm not loveable, that no one not even I can try, that I'm not even worthy of notice by the One above. I'm deafened, colors blur and blend and mute themselves, my awareness retreats in a last ditch effort to keep "me" for the time when I can come out and feel better days. Tap me on the shoulder, let the phone ring, and my head swings to the side, my eyes in outer space. I'm zoned from the pain and the unbeareable dimness of the Light. Sister asks, "Have you been drinking?" I would, had it a possibility of helping. That door, too, is closed.
al final, here it is, i can read myself. I hope with everything left in me to take nothing from this, from these days, from feeling poisoned and terrified and drunk, gasping for some air. Nothing but the "me" sheltered by some preserving instinct. I don't need a souvenir. The memories are stained in. For all who will look to see and none to understand.
This is the trembling fear after which no one on this earth can tell me Satan is not a reality. These are the days that make me so grateful there is a God.
Hace Falta / I miss
peace
(explanation: Hace falta literally means "it makes a lack" in Spanish. Generally you use it like you'd use the word 'missing' in English.)
Hace falta el sol.
Autumn winds come every year and suck the sun away into chilliness. I miss the lightness of being warm.
Easier to fake happiness, when you're warm.
Easier to BE happy when I'm warm. I'm beginning to notice that winter snuffs my ember within.
Hace falta la humedad. It is ALWAYS drier here than on la isla. ALWAYS, even on the most humid of days. No presumen a decir que lleguen a tener humedad aqui. What you have here is an attempt at stickiness, at the feeling that God has kissed you and left a trace of his breath behind.
Searing, the thin cover left on my lips cracks as I sigh.
Hacen falta dias buenos.
(explanation: Hace falta literally means "it makes a lack" in Spanish. Generally you use it like you'd use the word 'missing' in English.)
Hace falta el sol.
Autumn winds come every year and suck the sun away into chilliness. I miss the lightness of being warm.
Easier to fake happiness, when you're warm.
Easier to BE happy when I'm warm. I'm beginning to notice that winter snuffs my ember within.
Hace falta la humedad. It is ALWAYS drier here than on la isla. ALWAYS, even on the most humid of days. No presumen a decir que lleguen a tener humedad aqui. What you have here is an attempt at stickiness, at the feeling that God has kissed you and left a trace of his breath behind.
Searing, the thin cover left on my lips cracks as I sigh.
Hacen falta dias buenos.
Monday, October 30, 2006
/ pity party
peace,
Okay, so now I'm back at work. Pity party is over.
I do that, y'know, get into a snit about whatever and forget my very real blessings. I'm getting paid enough and on time, I'm independent and don't have to ask my family to provide anything for me, I not only have clothes but am in the position to make my clothes for myself, and I have enough to eat. More than that, I have a great job, and am taking a class I enjoy.
Not only are there many who would love to be where I am, but within the past 18 months there were points when I couldn't say any of the above for myself. I need to take a "Thanks, God" (ala Dictator Princess) and chill the companionship issue. Not to say it isn't important, or that it isn't something on my mind, but I can't let the negatives in that area outweigh the positives I've been blessed with EVERYwhere else. Wa subhanAllah al Aziz.
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, so now I'm back at work. Pity party is over.
I do that, y'know, get into a snit about whatever and forget my very real blessings. I'm getting paid enough and on time, I'm independent and don't have to ask my family to provide anything for me, I not only have clothes but am in the position to make my clothes for myself, and I have enough to eat. More than that, I have a great job, and am taking a class I enjoy.
Not only are there many who would love to be where I am, but within the past 18 months there were points when I couldn't say any of the above for myself. I need to take a "Thanks, God" (ala Dictator Princess) and chill the companionship issue. Not to say it isn't important, or that it isn't something on my mind, but I can't let the negatives in that area outweigh the positives I've been blessed with EVERYwhere else. Wa subhanAllah al Aziz.
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Reprise and (non)Developments: Touch. And Love.
Assalamu Alaikum, peace...
Warning: once again, whine without cheese is served. If you're inclined to be judgmental, just go away. I'm already judging myself exceptionally well, thanks.
A little more than 10 months ago I wrote this entry, titled Touch. And Love. Go on, read it, you need to know what I said then to have the perspective on what I've got to say tonight...
Since then, alhamdulillah, there have been some major improvements in my life. I no longer live with my aunt, and I'm gainfully employed in a place I love that uses my skills. I've bought a gym membership and started taking real steps to feel good- better- about my weight and fitness. I started an Arabic class at Alma Mater in order to finally do something about strengthening my Qur'anic and social skills. I mean, tis tough to be a Muslim around here without speaking 'Arabee. It's like you don't count as a respectable human or something.
This week, though, the feelings that led to my writing the first article reached a crescendo. I'm sure I wasn't the easiest company on Friday nights. I have to thank my remaining roomie S., who put up with me and helped talk me to some conclusions that I want to explore.
(But first, that reminded me- my other roomie went to Idaho for a friend's wedding, and, incidentally, saw her father for the first time in a while. He's terminally ill , and it is very hard for her to talk about it, or see it. She has not and probably won't talk to me about it, but I wanted to ask my ummah and friends inside the computer: Please pray, make du'a for my roomie (R), her father, and her family.)
This weekend is the first full weekend after Ramadan ended. And it was like the dunya just rushed back to whap me in the face. I wrote a post on it earlier, but insha'Allah none of y'all saw it since I took it down a couple hours later when I had cooled off. Basically I was whining. Because I saw that the end of Ramadan was closing a lot of options for me.
I really enjoyed the iftars and taraweeh et cetera at Alma Mater. I saw old friends, women I hadn't seen in a while. I got sooo deep in tarawih that the tears just rushed to the surface. I really read the Qur'an and actually stayed part of the night at the nat'l masjid (I'm horrible, not sure what the formal name is- the one up on Mass Ave.) And let me not front: There were Men! Good Muslim Guys! around. Not even necessarily interacting with me 90% of the time, but they were there. That wasn't so bad, either. Y'all, I fully understood why so many people wait for Ramadhan to come every year. I got an instant COMMUNITY. It was easy to not feel unfulfilled to an uncomfortable degree.
And then I got put back into my everyday. And I felt- and still feel just with less urgency- that I'm stuck having to choose between being Muslim, being 'Everyday American Woman', or fudging an existence out of both. What set my tantrum off on Friday was that, plus finally feeling desirable to ANYone, and not having a clear choice on what to do. I flipped right on out.
*thinks for a while, head in hands*
I keep coming back to the conclusion that I'm wrong. I'm wrong, I'm not doing something right somewhere, I just don't know WHAT. Let me see if I can put the major issues in short sentences.
I want to date.
I want a good man.
I have friends willing to help me get started.
I want to be a good Muslim.
Good Muslims don't "date".
Good Muslim men don't date.
Good God-fearing non-Muslim men date and they're asking me out.
Too often dating = sex around here.
I'm confident that I'm not having sex if I don't want it.
[But who said I trust myself to not want it? (see: grown woman below)]
And, (b/c nothing's simple) I'm struggling with an 'invatuation' with a good man who isn't necessarily good for me.
I want to be good. I do.
I want to not feel so darn badly.
It would be so easy to just be not-good and face the guilt later.
My sense of integrity is in the way. That and "el Que-dir'an".
I'm judgmental by temperament and I'm turning that into a very destructive sense against myself.
*ducks rotten tomatoes and eggs being thrown*
Let me look at that a little more.
Look, I'm a grown woman. A "Black Woman in America" as we used to laugh. I want to Enjoy some Male Attention and going on all these dates that're offered is how that's done. This is the whole purpose of dating. It's also the purpose being married, by the by, and I know that, but...
Look, I'm Muslim by conversion, e.g. by choice. No matter whether I knew that this is what I was signing up for- I asked for the good so I oughtta take the not so good. And God is really good right now. If I didn't like Islam or acting in ways in accordance with Islam, this wouldn't be such a struggle.
Look, I don't do much half-assed. And certainly not something as integral to my state of mind, state of being, as my religion. Or the way I conduct myself concerning men.
I think my standards are too high. I hold myself accountable to a high expectation. I mean, someone mentioned that if it weren't such a problem, that I should just go where the Muslims are- but since the problem is that good Muslims dont' date, and I'd be dating with an eye toward serious, then dating is just wasting time, unless I want to consider a non-Muslim. My thing is that my future husband follows God in his life. However, God and Islam dictate that my husband be a Muslim. So I'm stuck there, unless I want to be majorly disobedient.
Maybe I'm seeing that with too strict an eye. There are tons of Muslim guys who date, right?
But do I want a Muslim guy who dates? The majority of the ones I know personally are sleazeballs, thankyouverymuch. The rest are already taken/spoken for/not allowed or about to date a Black convert. Hmph. Let's not even finish THAT particular conversation.
I feel sometimes like I live two lives, the inner and the outer.
Anyway.
Then there's the whole letting my feelings get hurt by the good guy issue. I promised myself after what-all went on with Imiaz that I would not fall for some random friend. And right now I'm struggling to keep that promise. It'd only lead to me hurting, and I'm doing enough of that without any extra help. *sigh*
At the end of the night, I'll have fasted all day and cried all evening. I want permission from somewhere to relax my standards and just be human and do whatever and not be jealous and not know God is not happy with that and it's not forthcoming. This is so. hard. And I'm mad and I'm sad and I'm lonely and I'm longing and I'm sobbing and I don't have anyone here to help me through any of it. Please make du'as for me. I know, it's a sad reminder at the end of all that but I think that's all anyone can do just now and it'd really help.
peace
TwennyTwo
Warning: once again, whine without cheese is served. If you're inclined to be judgmental, just go away. I'm already judging myself exceptionally well, thanks.
A little more than 10 months ago I wrote this entry, titled Touch. And Love. Go on, read it, you need to know what I said then to have the perspective on what I've got to say tonight...
Since then, alhamdulillah, there have been some major improvements in my life. I no longer live with my aunt, and I'm gainfully employed in a place I love that uses my skills. I've bought a gym membership and started taking real steps to feel good- better- about my weight and fitness. I started an Arabic class at Alma Mater in order to finally do something about strengthening my Qur'anic and social skills. I mean, tis tough to be a Muslim around here without speaking 'Arabee. It's like you don't count as a respectable human or something.
This week, though, the feelings that led to my writing the first article reached a crescendo. I'm sure I wasn't the easiest company on Friday nights. I have to thank my remaining roomie S., who put up with me and helped talk me to some conclusions that I want to explore.
(But first, that reminded me- my other roomie went to Idaho for a friend's wedding, and, incidentally, saw her father for the first time in a while. He's terminally ill , and it is very hard for her to talk about it, or see it. She has not and probably won't talk to me about it, but I wanted to ask my ummah and friends inside the computer: Please pray, make du'a for my roomie (R), her father, and her family.)
This weekend is the first full weekend after Ramadan ended. And it was like the dunya just rushed back to whap me in the face. I wrote a post on it earlier, but insha'Allah none of y'all saw it since I took it down a couple hours later when I had cooled off. Basically I was whining. Because I saw that the end of Ramadan was closing a lot of options for me.
I really enjoyed the iftars and taraweeh et cetera at Alma Mater. I saw old friends, women I hadn't seen in a while. I got sooo deep in tarawih that the tears just rushed to the surface. I really read the Qur'an and actually stayed part of the night at the nat'l masjid (I'm horrible, not sure what the formal name is- the one up on Mass Ave.) And let me not front: There were Men! Good Muslim Guys! around. Not even necessarily interacting with me 90% of the time, but they were there. That wasn't so bad, either. Y'all, I fully understood why so many people wait for Ramadhan to come every year. I got an instant COMMUNITY. It was easy to not feel unfulfilled to an uncomfortable degree.
And then I got put back into my everyday. And I felt- and still feel just with less urgency- that I'm stuck having to choose between being Muslim, being 'Everyday American Woman', or fudging an existence out of both. What set my tantrum off on Friday was that, plus finally feeling desirable to ANYone, and not having a clear choice on what to do. I flipped right on out.
*thinks for a while, head in hands*
I keep coming back to the conclusion that I'm wrong. I'm wrong, I'm not doing something right somewhere, I just don't know WHAT. Let me see if I can put the major issues in short sentences.
I want to date.
I want a good man.
I have friends willing to help me get started.
I want to be a good Muslim.
Good Muslims don't "date".
Good Muslim men don't date.
Good God-fearing non-Muslim men date and they're asking me out.
Too often dating = sex around here.
I'm confident that I'm not having sex if I don't want it.
[But who said I trust myself to not want it? (see: grown woman below)]
And, (b/c nothing's simple) I'm struggling with an 'invatuation' with a good man who isn't necessarily good for me.
I want to be good. I do.
I want to not feel so darn badly.
It would be so easy to just be not-good and face the guilt later.
My sense of integrity is in the way. That and "el Que-dir'an".
I'm judgmental by temperament and I'm turning that into a very destructive sense against myself.
*ducks rotten tomatoes and eggs being thrown*
Let me look at that a little more.
Look, I'm a grown woman. A "Black Woman in America" as we used to laugh. I want to Enjoy some Male Attention and going on all these dates that're offered is how that's done. This is the whole purpose of dating. It's also the purpose being married, by the by, and I know that, but...
Look, I'm Muslim by conversion, e.g. by choice. No matter whether I knew that this is what I was signing up for- I asked for the good so I oughtta take the not so good. And God is really good right now. If I didn't like Islam or acting in ways in accordance with Islam, this wouldn't be such a struggle.
Look, I don't do much half-assed. And certainly not something as integral to my state of mind, state of being, as my religion. Or the way I conduct myself concerning men.
I think my standards are too high. I hold myself accountable to a high expectation. I mean, someone mentioned that if it weren't such a problem, that I should just go where the Muslims are- but since the problem is that good Muslims dont' date, and I'd be dating with an eye toward serious, then dating is just wasting time, unless I want to consider a non-Muslim. My thing is that my future husband follows God in his life. However, God and Islam dictate that my husband be a Muslim. So I'm stuck there, unless I want to be majorly disobedient.
Maybe I'm seeing that with too strict an eye. There are tons of Muslim guys who date, right?
But do I want a Muslim guy who dates? The majority of the ones I know personally are sleazeballs, thankyouverymuch. The rest are already taken/spoken for/not allowed or about to date a Black convert. Hmph. Let's not even finish THAT particular conversation.
I feel sometimes like I live two lives, the inner and the outer.
Anyway.
Then there's the whole letting my feelings get hurt by the good guy issue. I promised myself after what-all went on with Imiaz that I would not fall for some random friend. And right now I'm struggling to keep that promise. It'd only lead to me hurting, and I'm doing enough of that without any extra help. *sigh*
At the end of the night, I'll have fasted all day and cried all evening. I want permission from somewhere to relax my standards and just be human and do whatever and not be jealous and not know God is not happy with that and it's not forthcoming. This is so. hard. And I'm mad and I'm sad and I'm lonely and I'm longing and I'm sobbing and I don't have anyone here to help me through any of it. Please make du'as for me. I know, it's a sad reminder at the end of all that but I think that's all anyone can do just now and it'd really help.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Day to re-meet
peace,
MashaAllah what a day!
I feel like I haven't blogged about what's going on around me much lately. This is bad. I did, after all, start this blog with the intention of recording the days, since I happen to have a faulty memory sometimes of how I felt and what really went down.
Today was a good day. Today I had occasion to do a lot of thinking, not all about positive things.
I started off by waking up supa-dupa early to make sweet potato pies from scratch, for my roomie to take with her back to her mama in Idaho. Her mother visited us about 5 weeks ago, with her younger sister. They were very very nice, and I was in an unhappy place at that point, so I didn't feel that I gave them the best reception. But the other day I made pies (which were gobbled up by us all) and so had the fabulous idea of making pies just for B.'s mama. Yay.
The reason pies are such a big deal is because I made them 1) completely by hand (no blenders and beaters for me, thanks) 2) completely from scratch, 3) without a recipe (that's right, I just did it by memory- and I haven't made potato pies in like a year) 4) using a technique that I just thought might turn out better. So MashaAllah pies, because I used a stick less butter, more eggs, and made a custard-like mix on the stove before mixing in the potatoes (if you've made potato pie before, you understand this) instead of just mixing it all together. It cut my baking time in half, resulted in a much flakier and less soggy crust, with no other noticeable effects on the taste. I did toss a lot of egg whites, but whacha gonna do. (Now that I think of it, I should've saved them for angel food cake. Bah!) Not to mention it was so tasty B. ate half a pie herself, several increments of which she ate for breakfast at different times. I'm happy about that.
Not so happy about the fact that I asked my mother for her recipe several times before, during, and after Ramadan, called HER several times, emailed her, and somehow never got it. No big deal except that this is one of a number of symptoms I've been noticing lately of something that I want to write about when it's not so late and I don't have to be up so early the next day: parent burnout. When your parents are as supportive as mine (and they're 'bout average), this is something you don't think of as a possibility, but man, between me and my youngest brother I think my moms is worn out. Like I said, I've been thinking about this, and this is just a reminder to myself to write about it later. It really is a whole post in itself.
But anyway.
I then proceeded to go do an interpretation. That gave me another chance to think. I was interpreting for a speech therapist and the mother of two young boys, the oldest of whom wasn't speaking at just over 2 years old. In any language. Eeeeechhh so much legalese went down in there- I seriously spent half the session reading documents to the mother so she could sign them. She didn't have a SSN, neither did the child's father, and the mother guarded the kids' ss cards like solid gold, yo. She didn't want to list any addresses on the forms. And her second child was clearly more advanced than her first in terms of vocalization and social interactions. Meanwhile, she's in a subsistence level apartment that, while picked up, had filthy carpet, a bed in the living room, and no color at all. It wasn't that I felt pity for this woman, because there really wasn't room for that. More like, I felt the precariousness of the situation- I mean, I was there because she'd managed to obtain care for her child, and it wasn't even in a language she spoke, read, or understood- and I know that she's one of the lucky ones.
It reinforced my feeling that I need to be a Educator-Midwife (CNM, of course, just because they're treated better by institutions in this region), that it's soooo needed, especially from someone with my linguistic skills.
Spent the day at work but thinking more than working.
Annnnnd then I got to Alma Mater just in time to miss my Arabic class. Not to worry, though, my teacher and the founder of the (free, revolutionary) language program ran into me as I decided to eat and then go pray at the musallah, so we had a good conversation. I want to go into this in more detail, but it's soooo late... tomorrow, insha'Allah. Suffice it to say that when I knew I was walking onto campus late, and as I have lately, I just had this feeling that I was going to be more anonymous than I had been since my first days as freshman. Totally false feeling, even these years later I still ran into some familiar faces, including EBrowne, who was part of WordUp!, this student group that was a very cool Christian equivalent to MSA but with more scripture and less social issues (I digress...), and talked to her. That got me thinking some more. About what, I'll have to say later.
But, yeah, so, I'm still here, still thinking, and I have a lot to discuss. I'll be back. 'Eid Mubarak to those I haven't seen or talked to since, man how fast the month went! I hope you had excellent celebrations, and I'm looking forward to hearing allllll about them. And congrats to Sherry- she's posted vid of her very cute nephew, masha'Allah.
peace
TwennyTwo
MashaAllah what a day!
I feel like I haven't blogged about what's going on around me much lately. This is bad. I did, after all, start this blog with the intention of recording the days, since I happen to have a faulty memory sometimes of how I felt and what really went down.
Today was a good day. Today I had occasion to do a lot of thinking, not all about positive things.
I started off by waking up supa-dupa early to make sweet potato pies from scratch, for my roomie to take with her back to her mama in Idaho. Her mother visited us about 5 weeks ago, with her younger sister. They were very very nice, and I was in an unhappy place at that point, so I didn't feel that I gave them the best reception. But the other day I made pies (which were gobbled up by us all) and so had the fabulous idea of making pies just for B.'s mama. Yay.
The reason pies are such a big deal is because I made them 1) completely by hand (no blenders and beaters for me, thanks) 2) completely from scratch, 3) without a recipe (that's right, I just did it by memory- and I haven't made potato pies in like a year) 4) using a technique that I just thought might turn out better. So MashaAllah pies, because I used a stick less butter, more eggs, and made a custard-like mix on the stove before mixing in the potatoes (if you've made potato pie before, you understand this) instead of just mixing it all together. It cut my baking time in half, resulted in a much flakier and less soggy crust, with no other noticeable effects on the taste. I did toss a lot of egg whites, but whacha gonna do. (Now that I think of it, I should've saved them for angel food cake. Bah!) Not to mention it was so tasty B. ate half a pie herself, several increments of which she ate for breakfast at different times. I'm happy about that.
Not so happy about the fact that I asked my mother for her recipe several times before, during, and after Ramadan, called HER several times, emailed her, and somehow never got it. No big deal except that this is one of a number of symptoms I've been noticing lately of something that I want to write about when it's not so late and I don't have to be up so early the next day: parent burnout. When your parents are as supportive as mine (and they're 'bout average), this is something you don't think of as a possibility, but man, between me and my youngest brother I think my moms is worn out. Like I said, I've been thinking about this, and this is just a reminder to myself to write about it later. It really is a whole post in itself.
But anyway.
I then proceeded to go do an interpretation. That gave me another chance to think. I was interpreting for a speech therapist and the mother of two young boys, the oldest of whom wasn't speaking at just over 2 years old. In any language. Eeeeechhh so much legalese went down in there- I seriously spent half the session reading documents to the mother so she could sign them. She didn't have a SSN, neither did the child's father, and the mother guarded the kids' ss cards like solid gold, yo. She didn't want to list any addresses on the forms. And her second child was clearly more advanced than her first in terms of vocalization and social interactions. Meanwhile, she's in a subsistence level apartment that, while picked up, had filthy carpet, a bed in the living room, and no color at all. It wasn't that I felt pity for this woman, because there really wasn't room for that. More like, I felt the precariousness of the situation- I mean, I was there because she'd managed to obtain care for her child, and it wasn't even in a language she spoke, read, or understood- and I know that she's one of the lucky ones.
It reinforced my feeling that I need to be a Educator-Midwife (CNM, of course, just because they're treated better by institutions in this region), that it's soooo needed, especially from someone with my linguistic skills.
Spent the day at work but thinking more than working.
Annnnnd then I got to Alma Mater just in time to miss my Arabic class. Not to worry, though, my teacher and the founder of the (free, revolutionary) language program ran into me as I decided to eat and then go pray at the musallah, so we had a good conversation. I want to go into this in more detail, but it's soooo late... tomorrow, insha'Allah. Suffice it to say that when I knew I was walking onto campus late, and as I have lately, I just had this feeling that I was going to be more anonymous than I had been since my first days as freshman. Totally false feeling, even these years later I still ran into some familiar faces, including EBrowne, who was part of WordUp!, this student group that was a very cool Christian equivalent to MSA but with more scripture and less social issues (I digress...), and talked to her. That got me thinking some more. About what, I'll have to say later.
But, yeah, so, I'm still here, still thinking, and I have a lot to discuss. I'll be back. 'Eid Mubarak to those I haven't seen or talked to since, man how fast the month went! I hope you had excellent celebrations, and I'm looking forward to hearing allllll about them. And congrats to Sherry- she's posted vid of her very cute nephew, masha'Allah.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, October 23, 2006
'Eid Mubarak, 'Eid Saeed, 'Eid Kareem!
assalamu alaikum wa ramatullah wa barakatuh
HAPPY 'EID!
May the blessings of Ramadan sustain you throughout the year.
May your fasts and deeds be accepted by the Most High.
May the joy of the One be with you now and evermore, amin!
peace
TwennyTwo
HAPPY 'EID!
May the blessings of Ramadan sustain you throughout the year.
May your fasts and deeds be accepted by the Most High.
May the joy of the One be with you now and evermore, amin!
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, October 12, 2006
The Sevens Meme- again
peace,
okay, time for a breaky-break. It'll be interesting to see how things have changed...:
Seven Things
Seven things I hope to do before I die: InshaAllah,
1. Memorize and understand AND recite the Qur'an. In Arabic.
2. Get married.
3. Travel to Brazil, China, London, Canada, Australia, Hawai'i and spend a good amount of time in each.
4. Cut an album that sells internationally.
5. Work on a quilt that my great-grandmother has also worked.
6. Wear dreadfully expensive, good-smelling perfume...just for salat.
7. Really, truly, aid another person in a way that positively affects their life... without them ever knowing my name.
Seven things I cannot do: (or don't want to- y'all know how I am about that 'c'-word.)
1. Get into an automobile accident ever again.
2. Comb my "hurr" (don't look at me crazy, it's 'done', just not 'comb-able'.)
3. Keep a room spotless for more than an hour. I don't know why.
4. Speak to another person without imitating their accent, if only in my head.
5. Speak a non-roman language. *sigh*.
6. Follow most TV shows for very long.
7. Ever Ever forget what God has and will do for me.
Seven things that attract me to my spouse (Ooh! A chance to describe him before we meet?):
1. His constant contact with the One.
2. Sense of humor.
3. Extraordinary consideration.
4. Smarts!
5. His cooking (hey, I can dream!)
6. Linguistic abilities that leave me humbled.
7. His care for his family.
Seven things I say often:
1. Diiiaaaaaaaa-ntre! (If you're a boricua, I know you get it. If you're not, sorry, you prolly won't.)
2. Daswasup!
3. SubHAN Allah!
4. Yes, ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir...
5. Do what, now?
6. Sure, no problem.
7. Thank you!
Seven(teen) books or authors I love:
1. God (takbir if ya hear me!)
2. Hamza Yusuf (this SURPRISED me!)
3. Nikki Giovanni
4. Anne McCaffrey
5. Jack Canfield
6. Terry Goodkind
7. Dale Carnegie
8. Diane Mott Davidson(The Goldy food mysteries)
9. Christy
10. Baby-Sitters Club (yes, I'm an 80's child, sue me)
11. the Nomusa series by Reba Paeff Mirsky deserve a comeback
12. Madeleine L?Engle
13. Zora Neale Hurston
14. Sandra Cisneros
15. Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez (not for the faint at heart)
16. Esmeralda Santiago
17. alll the old school mags- Jet, Ebony, Essence. Foundations of my childhood, y'all...
Seven movies I could watch over and over again:
1. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
2. The Sound of Music
3. Brown Sugar
4. Love &Basketball
5. Sixth Sense
6. Chicago
7. It?s a Wonderful Life
Seven people I want to join in this ?Seven Sevens? meme:
You... I'd better tag people so they'll know I mean them: Khandi, Shabana, Heather, DictatorPrincess, SingleMuslima, AbuMuhammad.
okay, time for a breaky-break. It'll be interesting to see how things have changed...:
Seven Things
Seven things I hope to do before I die: InshaAllah,
1. Memorize and understand AND recite the Qur'an. In Arabic.
2. Get married.
3. Travel to Brazil, China, London, Canada, Australia, Hawai'i and spend a good amount of time in each.
4. Cut an album that sells internationally.
5. Work on a quilt that my great-grandmother has also worked.
6. Wear dreadfully expensive, good-smelling perfume...just for salat.
7. Really, truly, aid another person in a way that positively affects their life... without them ever knowing my name.
Seven things I cannot do: (or don't want to- y'all know how I am about that 'c'-word.)
1. Get into an automobile accident ever again.
2. Comb my "hurr" (don't look at me crazy, it's 'done', just not 'comb-able'.)
3. Keep a room spotless for more than an hour. I don't know why.
4. Speak to another person without imitating their accent, if only in my head.
5. Speak a non-roman language. *sigh*.
6. Follow most TV shows for very long.
7. Ever Ever forget what God has and will do for me.
Seven things that attract me to my spouse (Ooh! A chance to describe him before we meet?):
1. His constant contact with the One.
2. Sense of humor.
3. Extraordinary consideration.
4. Smarts!
5. His cooking (hey, I can dream!)
6. Linguistic abilities that leave me humbled.
7. His care for his family.
Seven things I say often:
1. Diiiaaaaaaaa-ntre! (If you're a boricua, I know you get it. If you're not, sorry, you prolly won't.)
2. Daswasup!
3. SubHAN Allah!
4. Yes, ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir...
5. Do what, now?
6. Sure, no problem.
7. Thank you!
Seven(teen) books or authors I love:
1. God (takbir if ya hear me!)
2. Hamza Yusuf (this SURPRISED me!)
3. Nikki Giovanni
4. Anne McCaffrey
5. Jack Canfield
6. Terry Goodkind
7. Dale Carnegie
8. Diane Mott Davidson(The Goldy food mysteries)
9. Christy
10. Baby-Sitters Club (yes, I'm an 80's child, sue me)
11. the Nomusa series by Reba Paeff Mirsky deserve a comeback
12. Madeleine L?Engle
13. Zora Neale Hurston
14. Sandra Cisneros
15. Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez (not for the faint at heart)
16. Esmeralda Santiago
17. alll the old school mags- Jet, Ebony, Essence. Foundations of my childhood, y'all...
Seven movies I could watch over and over again:
1. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
2. The Sound of Music
3. Brown Sugar
4. Love &Basketball
5. Sixth Sense
6. Chicago
7. It?s a Wonderful Life
Seven people I want to join in this ?Seven Sevens? meme:
You... I'd better tag people so they'll know I mean them: Khandi, Shabana, Heather, DictatorPrincess, SingleMuslima, AbuMuhammad.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Patience. Patience. Inni s3aim...
peace,
I haven't had time to blog it, but my first couple weeks of Ramadan have been interesting and filled with learning, masha'Allah.
I was invited to an iftar up at Alma Mater by an old friend (who's still there, go you!), and I ended up going back to the sisters' place after taraweeh. Which meant that I got to taraweeh first. Excellent experience, that. Ima start looking for a small copy of the Qur'an, though, in English and Arabic, one that I can pray with easily in my hand (good idea, Shabana!). I saw one sister with one later, but hers was all Arabic. Maybe the resolution should be to learn the Arabic by next year, but that's a task that Allah would have to bless. I know people spend YEARS learning qur'anic arabic. I can already read the script, but with the exception of words that I've already picked up from that one class my junior year- mostly pronouns and basic nouns, not so many verbs- I don't understand what it's saying.
There was a halaqa one day by one of the assistant Imams from ADAMS, I want to say his name was Lainti, Lainfi... I'm horrible. But it was good, talking about the fast and how Allah trains us to patience, because human nature is to be grumpy when you're hungry and the fast also trains us to obey Allah and be patient and forebearing even when hungry, so that after the fast we are a ummah with patience and understanding. The imam also talked about how there are 3 different fasts, the body, the tongue, and the mind. All are brought into submission by obeying the command to fast, and all can then testify the providence of Allah, and can more fully trust that He provides all and is merciful.
He also pointed out that the command to say, 'inni s3aim' twice to yourself is FOR YOU, not for the person irritating you. You can't be like, "Yo, I'm fasting! I'M FASTING! If I wadn't fasting, I'd do..." to a person, because that effectively breaks your fast. He told the story of Maryam, and how she was told NOT to speak even when the people would be like,' Yo daddy was honorable and yo mama wadn't a ho, so how you gonna be having a baby without bein' married?' And she kept her fast to Allah, and he worked it out so that she didn't have to speak, but the prophet 'Eisa (upon him peace) did, thus both showing her obedience to God and also that 'Eisa was chosen by God. Subhan'Allah.
I'm sure I've heard all of those things in some way or another before, but this brother was funny, and he put it plainly. Masha'Allah because not all lectures are like that. I guess lecturing to young students will teach you to get to the point and make it memorable.
The imam's wife was with him, and she was veeeery pregnant. It was golden to see how he treats her and pampers her and relies upon her, to the point where when one older brother who came just for the halaqa asked how long he'd been in the USA, the imam said, turn to my wife, she knows more than I do, etc. It was great.
Anyhoo.
I've been practising patience with respect to living with other people. So, please make du'a that I can be reinforced in forebearance. Now that I've written this whole post I don't want to get into specifics. Just that I've been annoyed and insulted several times, and have been letting it go when my instinct has always been to give the annoyance/insult a piece of my mind. I know that it's better to let it go, but at the same time I don't think it's right to let someone feel they can treat others any kinda way. And it's nothing severe, just everyday things that point out a person's IGNORANCE. Please pray that these situations will be put in the proper perspective for me. I'm doing the same. wa Allahu Alim.
Onnnn another note- my job is going well, masha'Allah. I'm working out my personal rebellions. My mother knows about that (smile for mommy). My boss is leaving but will be around at several points because he still has some work to do for the organization. Therefore, I was given more responsibility, including being out of the office on testings and interpretations twice last week. The testings involved me going out to the western side of nowhere, and sitting (reading Qur'an, hey, I know an opportunity when I see one) for half a day while no candidates showed. The blessing from that day came from driving. I was extremely nervous about driving after not having done so for a year. The first time I got into the car *Zipcar rocks, btw* I just said, 'Allah, YOU are driving this car! Because I trust You like I don't quite trust myself'. And I got through a good 5-6 hours of driving that day with NO incidents, not even near misses, alhamdullilah. That's my testimony for the month, ya'll. Next I will bite the bullet and take a Zipcar the near-hour from my house to ADAMS. ALthough I may have to consult on directions, because Mapquest stinks. They took me an hour outta my way going to the testings. If that happened when I was tryna make taraweeh I'd miss it. Everyone I know who's been has said ADAMS is great. I like the imams I've met from there, but most importantly, I need to be in a steady group of folk my age who are Muslims. I know that I have some good friends and a husband out there to meet, so I have to do my part (as Shabana noted) and put myself in the path of His means.
Aiight. Off to not be annoyed by people. May your fasts be accepted and blessed by the Most High, ameen.
peace
I haven't had time to blog it, but my first couple weeks of Ramadan have been interesting and filled with learning, masha'Allah.
I was invited to an iftar up at Alma Mater by an old friend (who's still there, go you!), and I ended up going back to the sisters' place after taraweeh. Which meant that I got to taraweeh first. Excellent experience, that. Ima start looking for a small copy of the Qur'an, though, in English and Arabic, one that I can pray with easily in my hand (good idea, Shabana!). I saw one sister with one later, but hers was all Arabic. Maybe the resolution should be to learn the Arabic by next year, but that's a task that Allah would have to bless. I know people spend YEARS learning qur'anic arabic. I can already read the script, but with the exception of words that I've already picked up from that one class my junior year- mostly pronouns and basic nouns, not so many verbs- I don't understand what it's saying.
There was a halaqa one day by one of the assistant Imams from ADAMS, I want to say his name was Lainti, Lainfi... I'm horrible. But it was good, talking about the fast and how Allah trains us to patience, because human nature is to be grumpy when you're hungry and the fast also trains us to obey Allah and be patient and forebearing even when hungry, so that after the fast we are a ummah with patience and understanding. The imam also talked about how there are 3 different fasts, the body, the tongue, and the mind. All are brought into submission by obeying the command to fast, and all can then testify the providence of Allah, and can more fully trust that He provides all and is merciful.
He also pointed out that the command to say, 'inni s3aim' twice to yourself is FOR YOU, not for the person irritating you. You can't be like, "Yo, I'm fasting! I'M FASTING! If I wadn't fasting, I'd do..." to a person, because that effectively breaks your fast. He told the story of Maryam, and how she was told NOT to speak even when the people would be like,' Yo daddy was honorable and yo mama wadn't a ho, so how you gonna be having a baby without bein' married?' And she kept her fast to Allah, and he worked it out so that she didn't have to speak, but the prophet 'Eisa (upon him peace) did, thus both showing her obedience to God and also that 'Eisa was chosen by God. Subhan'Allah.
I'm sure I've heard all of those things in some way or another before, but this brother was funny, and he put it plainly. Masha'Allah because not all lectures are like that. I guess lecturing to young students will teach you to get to the point and make it memorable.
The imam's wife was with him, and she was veeeery pregnant. It was golden to see how he treats her and pampers her and relies upon her, to the point where when one older brother who came just for the halaqa asked how long he'd been in the USA, the imam said, turn to my wife, she knows more than I do, etc. It was great.
Anyhoo.
I've been practising patience with respect to living with other people. So, please make du'a that I can be reinforced in forebearance. Now that I've written this whole post I don't want to get into specifics. Just that I've been annoyed and insulted several times, and have been letting it go when my instinct has always been to give the annoyance/insult a piece of my mind. I know that it's better to let it go, but at the same time I don't think it's right to let someone feel they can treat others any kinda way. And it's nothing severe, just everyday things that point out a person's IGNORANCE. Please pray that these situations will be put in the proper perspective for me. I'm doing the same. wa Allahu Alim.
Onnnn another note- my job is going well, masha'Allah. I'm working out my personal rebellions. My mother knows about that (smile for mommy). My boss is leaving but will be around at several points because he still has some work to do for the organization. Therefore, I was given more responsibility, including being out of the office on testings and interpretations twice last week. The testings involved me going out to the western side of nowhere, and sitting (reading Qur'an, hey, I know an opportunity when I see one) for half a day while no candidates showed. The blessing from that day came from driving. I was extremely nervous about driving after not having done so for a year. The first time I got into the car *Zipcar rocks, btw* I just said, 'Allah, YOU are driving this car! Because I trust You like I don't quite trust myself'. And I got through a good 5-6 hours of driving that day with NO incidents, not even near misses, alhamdullilah. That's my testimony for the month, ya'll. Next I will bite the bullet and take a Zipcar the near-hour from my house to ADAMS. ALthough I may have to consult on directions, because Mapquest stinks. They took me an hour outta my way going to the testings. If that happened when I was tryna make taraweeh I'd miss it. Everyone I know who's been has said ADAMS is great. I like the imams I've met from there, but most importantly, I need to be in a steady group of folk my age who are Muslims. I know that I have some good friends and a husband out there to meet, so I have to do my part (as Shabana noted) and put myself in the path of His means.
Aiight. Off to not be annoyed by people. May your fasts be accepted and blessed by the Most High, ameen.
peace
Friday, September 29, 2006
HELP I work in an office where non Muslims offer me food out of KINDNESS!
peace,
It's Ramadan! Yay! I await this month every year with sooooo much hope. That squirming anticipation. No, really. I love Ramadan.
I think it's the challenge of it. The feeling of growing closer to the One, plus the accomplishment of serving him with my fast.
It's not really the social stuff because I seem to be socially isolated every year since I left GW around Ramadan. Boo.
But this is the first year I'm fasting while working somewhere I LOVE, masha'Allah! And it's great!... Except that the people are nice here.
My boss (who'll be leaving soon, he's already packed up his things, I'm sad but I digress) has had to make me eat in the past. This is because I'll be all focused on my work or whatever and just forget to eat. Then I turn into a very polite crankypot. And he found out early on that the way to turn me back into non-spinning-head-fire-breathing-Twenny was to ORDER me out of the office to get food, order it for me, or otherwise force me to focus on nothing but food.
So, Boss has had to quit doing that. He's such a nice guy that he keeps coming into the office at 'lunchtime' and being like, "I'm going for food, d'you,... oh, wait. Never mind."
At which point I say sweetly, "Buen provecho" (enjoy your meal) and let it pass.
But Today.
Oh.
Today they have Dunkin Donuts. Sitting on the desk across from me. I cannot leave. The donuts may have to go in the trash. This is the challenge for me.
For the past hour and a half (at least) I've been telling myself allllll the reasons I fast. That I'm leaving my urges for the Sake of Allah. That the smell of my breath is sweeter than musk to Allah right now. That hellfire is not worth a donut that will undermine all my efforts to slim down on top of breaking my fast. Oh, help.
Insha'llah just 2 hours and change to go.
peace
TwennyTwo
It's Ramadan! Yay! I await this month every year with sooooo much hope. That squirming anticipation. No, really. I love Ramadan.
I think it's the challenge of it. The feeling of growing closer to the One, plus the accomplishment of serving him with my fast.
It's not really the social stuff because I seem to be socially isolated every year since I left GW around Ramadan. Boo.
But this is the first year I'm fasting while working somewhere I LOVE, masha'Allah! And it's great!... Except that the people are nice here.
My boss (who'll be leaving soon, he's already packed up his things, I'm sad but I digress) has had to make me eat in the past. This is because I'll be all focused on my work or whatever and just forget to eat. Then I turn into a very polite crankypot. And he found out early on that the way to turn me back into non-spinning-head-fire-breathing-Twenny was to ORDER me out of the office to get food, order it for me, or otherwise force me to focus on nothing but food.
So, Boss has had to quit doing that. He's such a nice guy that he keeps coming into the office at 'lunchtime' and being like, "I'm going for food, d'you,... oh, wait. Never mind."
At which point I say sweetly, "Buen provecho" (enjoy your meal) and let it pass.
But Today.
Oh.
Today they have Dunkin Donuts. Sitting on the desk across from me. I cannot leave. The donuts may have to go in the trash. This is the challenge for me.
For the past hour and a half (at least) I've been telling myself allllll the reasons I fast. That I'm leaving my urges for the Sake of Allah. That the smell of my breath is sweeter than musk to Allah right now. That hellfire is not worth a donut that will undermine all my efforts to slim down on top of breaking my fast. Oh, help.
Insha'llah just 2 hours and change to go.
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Thank you, Michelle Singletary
peace,
THANK YOU, MS. SINGLETARY.
I love reading 'The Color of Money'.
This week's Sunday article is about student loan debt.
It's nice to have an outside source back up my internal feelings.
I'd love to get the degree I want. Love it love it love it.
And in fact, a bachelor's degree in this country is pretty much necessary to live any sort of comfortable lifestyle.
HOWEVER: debt. is. BAD.
I've chosen at times to believe that it's okay to have student loans. But I can say 'no' to having any more. This means that I have to be one of the top in my field in order to pull a scholarship to become a nurse-midwife (and I'm STILL telling my fans that is my goal insha'Allah), but at this point... so glad I didn't go to Columbia. I might be 50 years old when I reach that goal, but I'll do it without debt. Insha'Allah. and Amin ya Latif.
peace
TwennyTwo
THANK YOU, MS. SINGLETARY.
I love reading 'The Color of Money'.
This week's Sunday article is about student loan debt.
It's nice to have an outside source back up my internal feelings.
I'd love to get the degree I want. Love it love it love it.
And in fact, a bachelor's degree in this country is pretty much necessary to live any sort of comfortable lifestyle.
HOWEVER: debt. is. BAD.
I've chosen at times to believe that it's okay to have student loans. But I can say 'no' to having any more. This means that I have to be one of the top in my field in order to pull a scholarship to become a nurse-midwife (and I'm STILL telling my fans that is my goal insha'Allah), but at this point... so glad I didn't go to Columbia. I might be 50 years old when I reach that goal, but I'll do it without debt. Insha'Allah. and Amin ya Latif.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, September 23, 2006
I Broked It :(
peace,
So. I'm all ecstatic that Ramadan begins.
And I get up for suhoor really early, then I GO TO THE GYM after Fajr and before the 'lack of food' kicks in. Just as I would if it were a normal saturday, except earlier.
That accomplished, I completed my day, break fast (with soy milk and a fig instead of the dates I never did get), made daal and greens, etc, feeling great. Remembered to drink water.
SO. Then I decide that I want to listen to the 1st section of Qur'an. I happily pop my limited edition-King Faad-Arabic-English-Malay-Indonesian-got-it-from-a-friend-Qur'an CD into my roomie's computer.
Now, I've had this CD for months, and though I've been meaning to replace it, I haven't since every CD of the Qur'an that I've ever seen runs like $100. I can't see spending that when I have Qur'an I can read on paper for free; it's just that on nights (ok, every night so far but I digress) that I can't go to the night prayers or otherwise HEAR recitation, I can pop this CD into the computer, hear the arabic, read along in arabic and english on the screen, and be happy listening to Qur'an.
But tonight, the correct screen with the 'cover' of the qur'an came on screen. I heard, "Bismillah irRahman irRaheeeeeeeem" as usual.
Then *POP*.
I nearly jumped out of my skin; the night's been mad windy so at first I thought a fuse or an electrical line blew.
But NOW. The screen gave an error. I pushed the button to release the CD, my heart sinking because... the port opened to reveal a Qur'an CD in pieces.
"I broked it!" I wailed.
Now, I did remove all the pieces I could, but just piecing them together on a paper, I didn't get the whole CD. The machine is apparently digesting the rest. So now I'm upset on two fronts: I've potentially wrecked my roomie's very nice computer, and I have no Qur'an recitation.
I'll have to tell her in the morning, since she's gone out for the night. I guess I'll go read from the Qur'an Translation (as so many have so nicely pointed to me.
*sigh*. Subhan'Allah.
peace
TwennyTwo
So. I'm all ecstatic that Ramadan begins.
And I get up for suhoor really early, then I GO TO THE GYM after Fajr and before the 'lack of food' kicks in. Just as I would if it were a normal saturday, except earlier.
That accomplished, I completed my day, break fast (with soy milk and a fig instead of the dates I never did get), made daal and greens, etc, feeling great. Remembered to drink water.
SO. Then I decide that I want to listen to the 1st section of Qur'an. I happily pop my limited edition-King Faad-Arabic-English-Malay-Indonesian-got-it-from-a-friend-Qur'an CD into my roomie's computer.
Now, I've had this CD for months, and though I've been meaning to replace it, I haven't since every CD of the Qur'an that I've ever seen runs like $100. I can't see spending that when I have Qur'an I can read on paper for free; it's just that on nights (ok, every night so far but I digress) that I can't go to the night prayers or otherwise HEAR recitation, I can pop this CD into the computer, hear the arabic, read along in arabic and english on the screen, and be happy listening to Qur'an.
But tonight, the correct screen with the 'cover' of the qur'an came on screen. I heard, "Bismillah irRahman irRaheeeeeeeem" as usual.
Then *POP*.
I nearly jumped out of my skin; the night's been mad windy so at first I thought a fuse or an electrical line blew.
But NOW. The screen gave an error. I pushed the button to release the CD, my heart sinking because... the port opened to reveal a Qur'an CD in pieces.
"I broked it!" I wailed.
Now, I did remove all the pieces I could, but just piecing them together on a paper, I didn't get the whole CD. The machine is apparently digesting the rest. So now I'm upset on two fronts: I've potentially wrecked my roomie's very nice computer, and I have no Qur'an recitation.
I'll have to tell her in the morning, since she's gone out for the night. I guess I'll go read from the Qur'an Translation (as so many have so nicely pointed to me.
*sigh*. Subhan'Allah.
peace
TwennyTwo
Ramadan Mubarak! Shana Tova! Blessings on us all!
assalamu alaikum
shalom aleichem
peace be unto you
May your fasts be accepted, may your year be blessed, may we all live with the blessings of The Most High, amin.
shalom aleichem
peace be unto you
May your fasts be accepted, may your year be blessed, may we all live with the blessings of The Most High, amin.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Dates, and recipes. DC locals, comment please!
***Dictator Princess*** gets on finishing those fasts...
peace,
*My grandmother is coming out of intensive care by Monday, insha'Allah. One of her daughters managed to be there for every day of her hospitalization masha'Allah, although not all of them at any time. She had to have a more intense surgery to correct some problems but she's done and recovering, all praise to the Most High.*
Okay, so now I'm flippin' out about not having dates.
yes, Ramadhan will start by the end of this week, insha'Allah. This area happens to be FULL OF MUSLIMS so I'm not crazy- I just don't do California Dates. (Appropriately, I said this in front of mad people on a Saturday at a PX. Must be losing my mind. However, in spite of the glares I did not relent. I like the sticky medjool dates, pref. with pits so I can make my mouth work around them. Yes. Yes. Date-y goodness.)
So if you know where to get good dates the week before Ramadhan in the DC Metro (as in, I can ask my roomies to drive about 30 miles before rebellion- no, my loan papers haven't come in yet), SPILL THE BEANS!
This year I'm all about recipes that I can cook ahead. Like DP as well, for a lot of this month I'll still have some time to go when I get off work, but I know myself. While I like my roomies, unfortunately they will not be out of my way when I need to get home and get in the kitchen and cook some food. Thus the need for crockpot and other food goodness that can be made ahead and frozen, or even just partially prepared.
Bring on the recipes!
I'm also excited the fact that I may actually be able to make it out to ADAMS for the night prayers, AND Insha'Allah I'll be able to keep going after the fast ends. So none of your sniping about being a Ramadhan Muslim, Baba 'Ali. Just worked out that way. Masha'Allah. There's supposedly an Islamic Center close to me, in Alexandria. I just keep hearing about ADAMS so I'm mad curious. Lots of folk my age go there. And you know the motive for being around folk my age.
The other thing I'm excited for is that I got a membership to a gym. Rather excited about this. But since suhoor is so early, I don't know if it's prudent to go early in the morning, or instead to break fast, eat light, go to gym, and then come back home and eat 'real food'. Experienced readers are invited to post. And none of this 'skip the gym', I'll be paying for it either way and this is a good month to be starting excellent habits. I wouldn't be going long, just half an hour, but insha'Allah I'd like to go nearly every day.
One last thing: who's taking the 3-day 'Eid? I've never done this before BUT I'm working at a great place now, and since I'll be working during the week of Christmas and 'Eidul Adha may insha'Allah fall on New year's Eve, I can swing the longer holiday. Anyone know the Islamic (ahem, religious not cultural) precedent for that? Please advise.
peace,
*My grandmother is coming out of intensive care by Monday, insha'Allah. One of her daughters managed to be there for every day of her hospitalization masha'Allah, although not all of them at any time. She had to have a more intense surgery to correct some problems but she's done and recovering, all praise to the Most High.*
Okay, so now I'm flippin' out about not having dates.
yes, Ramadhan will start by the end of this week, insha'Allah. This area happens to be FULL OF MUSLIMS so I'm not crazy- I just don't do California Dates. (Appropriately, I said this in front of mad people on a Saturday at a PX. Must be losing my mind. However, in spite of the glares I did not relent. I like the sticky medjool dates, pref. with pits so I can make my mouth work around them. Yes. Yes. Date-y goodness.)
So if you know where to get good dates the week before Ramadhan in the DC Metro (as in, I can ask my roomies to drive about 30 miles before rebellion- no, my loan papers haven't come in yet), SPILL THE BEANS!
This year I'm all about recipes that I can cook ahead. Like DP as well, for a lot of this month I'll still have some time to go when I get off work, but I know myself. While I like my roomies, unfortunately they will not be out of my way when I need to get home and get in the kitchen and cook some food. Thus the need for crockpot and other food goodness that can be made ahead and frozen, or even just partially prepared.
Bring on the recipes!
I'm also excited the fact that I may actually be able to make it out to ADAMS for the night prayers, AND Insha'Allah I'll be able to keep going after the fast ends. So none of your sniping about being a Ramadhan Muslim, Baba 'Ali. Just worked out that way. Masha'Allah. There's supposedly an Islamic Center close to me, in Alexandria. I just keep hearing about ADAMS so I'm mad curious. Lots of folk my age go there. And you know the motive for being around folk my age.
The other thing I'm excited for is that I got a membership to a gym. Rather excited about this. But since suhoor is so early, I don't know if it's prudent to go early in the morning, or instead to break fast, eat light, go to gym, and then come back home and eat 'real food'. Experienced readers are invited to post. And none of this 'skip the gym', I'll be paying for it either way and this is a good month to be starting excellent habits. I wouldn't be going long, just half an hour, but insha'Allah I'd like to go nearly every day.
One last thing: who's taking the 3-day 'Eid? I've never done this before BUT I'm working at a great place now, and since I'll be working during the week of Christmas and 'Eidul Adha may insha'Allah fall on New year's Eve, I can swing the longer holiday. Anyone know the Islamic (ahem, religious not cultural) precedent for that? Please advise.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Duas please.
peace,
Wow, just as I wrote the below post, the next day my grandmother went back into the hospital. I got a call from my mother saying she was flying down, and that grandma is in intensive care. Scary scary. I find myself reaching for God not for myself but for my mother and her sisters and my grandfather.
please make Du'a that Allah's will be done in this. I want her to recover but I also don't want her to suffer. Does that make sense?
~twennytwo
Wow, just as I wrote the below post, the next day my grandmother went back into the hospital. I got a call from my mother saying she was flying down, and that grandma is in intensive care. Scary scary. I find myself reaching for God not for myself but for my mother and her sisters and my grandfather.
please make Du'a that Allah's will be done in this. I want her to recover but I also don't want her to suffer. Does that make sense?
~twennytwo
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Gettin' in the groove
peace,
Sorry it's been a while.
I'm still alive.
Still loving my job, and loving that I live close to it.
I saw my great-grandmother the other day. She's fine. In fact, when she left this area she was going to take care of my grandmother, her daughter in law. No worries there. Masha'Allah, my grandmother is getting much better. She was "low sick", in G'mama's opinion.
Few other things:
UmmZ: The USA'll miss you, but I'm sure you'll make the most of life and living wherever you are. Looking forward to hearing about 'Amman adventures.
Shabana: You're hitting it on the spot lately with your posts. And you could look at your 'not having an identity' this way: you came to being a mother as your own person, fuly formed after 30+ years. Many mothers don't get that. If you're worried about it, I don't see you wallowing around in the worry. You'll be back to your identity-affirming self rather soon. That's how I met you, remember?
Enjoy your baby, she's precious and even my own mother says my baby days went too fast. And we talk at least once a week no matter how many oceans separate us. One day at a time, mama.
Sherry: Congrats on your new nephew! And enough with the snarky comments by phone and commentbox, or I'll think you don't love me anymore. I still love you, I'm just busy enjoying (FINALLY) the upswing in my fortunes.
I can't promise that I'll be over here more often, but Ramadhan is coming, and I'm getting settled in for some long days of fasting, praying, reading, listening, and writing. So maybe I'll be here more. I've found that each year my anticipation of Ramadhan grows. It's like a sort of month-long retreat-in-place for me. Thanks to the Dictator Princess for her tips on anticipating the month, I've already started.
In the meantime, do check out IzzyMo, who generally has good stuff up; the DictatorPrincess, because often I find myself saying, "Yeah, what she said", and Baraka, just to name a few highlights from my sidebar.
and i'm out like shout.
peace
TwennyTwo
Sorry it's been a while.
I'm still alive.
Still loving my job, and loving that I live close to it.
I saw my great-grandmother the other day. She's fine. In fact, when she left this area she was going to take care of my grandmother, her daughter in law. No worries there. Masha'Allah, my grandmother is getting much better. She was "low sick", in G'mama's opinion.
Few other things:
UmmZ: The USA'll miss you, but I'm sure you'll make the most of life and living wherever you are. Looking forward to hearing about 'Amman adventures.
Shabana: You're hitting it on the spot lately with your posts. And you could look at your 'not having an identity' this way: you came to being a mother as your own person, fuly formed after 30+ years. Many mothers don't get that. If you're worried about it, I don't see you wallowing around in the worry. You'll be back to your identity-affirming self rather soon. That's how I met you, remember?
Enjoy your baby, she's precious and even my own mother says my baby days went too fast. And we talk at least once a week no matter how many oceans separate us. One day at a time, mama.
Sherry: Congrats on your new nephew! And enough with the snarky comments by phone and commentbox, or I'll think you don't love me anymore. I still love you, I'm just busy enjoying (FINALLY) the upswing in my fortunes.
I can't promise that I'll be over here more often, but Ramadhan is coming, and I'm getting settled in for some long days of fasting, praying, reading, listening, and writing. So maybe I'll be here more. I've found that each year my anticipation of Ramadhan grows. It's like a sort of month-long retreat-in-place for me. Thanks to the Dictator Princess for her tips on anticipating the month, I've already started.
In the meantime, do check out IzzyMo, who generally has good stuff up; the DictatorPrincess, because often I find myself saying, "Yeah, what she said", and Baraka, just to name a few highlights from my sidebar.
and i'm out like shout.
peace
TwennyTwo
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