Well, we're definitely into the time of winter that I did NOT miss when I was in portareeco. Snow is forecasted for tomorrow and I own neither boots nor thick pants. Ay por un dia bajo el sol de la isla otra vez.
Anyway, Umm Zaid made a point earlier that I wanted to touch upon, that of losing voice.
I, for one, could really relate to what she said just because the more I tell people about my blog, or say EXACTLY what I think, the more I self-censor. It's part of what I feel is part of being a female in society, to please others and also to grease the wheels of what I say. It has to stop, of course; otherwise I'm not being true to myself in the purest sense of what that truth is supposed to be. And I am the only one to stop the pandering, the mask wearing. I have to talk as if the only audience is myself.
That's painful, though, and one reason I have self-censored or just not said anything about what's on my mind. It's a reason I haven't blogged nearly as much in the past month as I had in the previous months. It's because I know I'm a decent writer; and when I look at myself while I'm writing, and talk out the wrongs and the few rights, it hurts, yo. I'm acting as a mirror but one that magnifies things that I normally shy away from seeing.
Incidentally, I don't look in real mirrors all that much. That started when I was a teenager. And there are very few pictures of myself that I really enjoy seeing. Read into that what you will- I know for a fact that some of my friends think that that dislike of pictures and mirrors is a lack of self-esteem.
Please. It's not that, but a sort of distancing and enhancing of reality. I don't like most pictures of myself because they don't fit the way I see myself. It's startling to see a quick, non-careful snapshot of myself (in Any mood). It literally takes me a second to figure out who the heck that person is. That's supposed to be ME? But I don't feel like the way that chick looks...
And yet, though it is painful mirrors- real reflections, not distorted or amplified but just there- are very necessary to improvement. A glance leading to a real long view in a floor-to-ceiling mirror convinced me to get on the road to physical fitness and (heck, I'm honest here) easier fashion. My friends have acted the same way. I'll never forget the one who said, "Man, for a Southern belle, you sure don't say 'please' very much." Which was a shock to me but true in that I didn't say please to that person hardly at all, even though I say it to just about everyone else. It helped me see what I was doing in real time and then decide to fix it.
Mirrors- clear sight- some kind of way to see reality without too much distortion, are real and needed in order to see what's there, appreciate the good, and find out that I need to work with the bad. In a way, this blog has been the only journal I've had since I filled my last written one in early 2004. And I've slowly let it slip into mist and fog. But a clear mirror is essential, no matter what someone else may think of me when they see it. It is what it is.
So. I'm taking some time to clean the smog off, and then I'll be back to reflecting what's real.