I am fat.
I hate being fat.
I was losing the fat.
I felt good (as early as this morning, y'all).
Then, I let it slide- and a friend of mine who refuses to believe how much I hate pictures of myself and so and KEEPS TAKING THEM did her worst and EMAILED them to me.
I wanted to lose all sense of God, y'all. I reeeeeeallllly did. I wanted to not compliment her on the nice pictures she did take in favor of lambasting her with, "Do you hate me? You MUST HATE ME with a fury you reserve for your worst enemies, because look! you have sent me Photographs! of Myself! Full-Length! And FAT! YOU ARE SHOWING THAT YOU HATE ME!! YOU PASSIVE AGRESSIVE WOMAN,YOU! Do you want me to start crying and moping again? Don't you know I HATE PICTURES OF MYSELF and plus LOOK I'M GETTING FAT AGAIN? AHHHHHGGGHGHGHGHGGHGHHHHH!!!???!!!"
I have done none of that last. You should be proud.
I let Someone turn that emotion into something more positive.
I know that the only way to get the body I had when I was 18 and on the crew team is to act as if I were 18 and on the crew team again, PLUS eat the calories of a 25-year old woman (which I am) during Ramadan (which is isn't, anymore). That's the ONLY WAY the extra XX lbs I'm carrying will come off.
The hardest part of all of that is controlling what I eat. This is why Ramadan is great for me. My lack of willpower becomes something I strengthen for the sake of God. I just need to extend that into the rest of the year. I can't be eating like this anymore.
But that's not all.
My problem isn't so much (it is but not so much) that I eat too much, it's that I sit at a desk all day and my body Lurrrves the pounds I can put on then. I'm a little fat storing machine. None of the fat goes where I want it, either.
*From now on I will go to the gym at least once a day. Everyday that it's open and not an Islamic holiday. EVERY DAY, for at least half an hour. An hour is optimal, but if there's any way to fit in even 20 minutes I MUST go.
*I will say a prayer over every. single. thing that goes in my mouth. Everything. This will make sure that I "realize" that I'm eating it, and stop me if I'm eating it unnecessarily.
*I will stop eating when I'm no longer hungry, and literally put the food out of my reach. If I want leftovers for lunch, I'll fix them at the same time I fix my supper plate. No more eating because it's accessible.
I'm sick and tired of being fat and I'm not taking it anymore.