Saturday, February 28, 2009

Last minute

assalamu alaikum,

Okay, so I told myself that I wouldn't go for an entire calendar month without blogging. This gives me um... 35 minutes to blog. Yay, I made it.

I began this month waiting for it to be over. Which? Is no way to spend 1/12th of 1/28th of my life. Some great things have happened, though. My brother from another mother reappeared in my life (yay, Facebook!), which was fun.

What else? One of the founders of Bayyinah program came to Conservopolis and did a 3-day lecture on the Balagha of the Qur'an. Twas EXCELLENT and if you ever have the chance to go through one of these courses, I recommend it! I was actually sponsored, so I have to send a huge hug to Baji and Bayya who I suspect were my sponsors, and even if they weren't, they hipped the sponsors to the fact that I needed sponsoring.


In other developments, I'm struggling to complete a lot of things, most important right now being my MSN application. I really really really want to go to school. But you know what? I had a 'come to jesus' moment (which, as some other blogger I can't remember said, involves neither Jesus (alayhi salaam) nor religion) and realized a couple of things about myself:

1) I need physical, intellectual and creative stimulation, the way some people need... um, I dunno, salah? Water? Addictive substances? Yeah, bad analogy but the point remains. I am happiest when I am moving and physically interacting with my world, taking some sort of class and outpouring creativity on a very regular basis.

This comes up because I am miserable realizing that my work is my priority, when I really want to go somewhere and study, then go train for the half marathon I registered for today, finishing the day by whipping up some portareecan food and quilting before bed. Yes, I'm irrational for making myself do so much (okay, not quilting so much... the rest is fair game), but it has worked in the past. ON the other hand, when I realized this, it helped because I came up with some really creative projects to do with the preschoolers, and man, did I feel better after a morning of fingerpainting... and then I followed that with a day of soap and color mixing. Their moms hate me for my addiction to colorants (uniform is white shirt, navy bottoms) and I? Don't care. They'd hate me more if I were miserable and making children miserable as well.

2)I am a night person: nocturnal alerness is my DEFAULT state -of-being. This is problematic because, well, weekends aren't enough time to reset my body clock fully, just enough for me to sleep in, wash clothes and dishes and clean things from midnight to about 4 am, do qiyam, and then sleep in again... thereby throwing me out of all the social things people happen to like to do on weekends. Then I'm grumpy and late to work (and yes I ask Allah to bless my bosses abundantly for overlooking the fact that I hate to be up awake and smiling at a 'normal business hour'), or at work and cynical, until Wednesday or so. And yes, I've fought this, but according to my best sources (my mama), I have ALWAYS been alert at night. Blame my father, it's genetic. This world belongs to diurnes (do you like that? I made it up) and it stinks.

It does make me wonder what I'd've done in the days before incandescent light and personal electronics. I think I'd've been a heckuva astronomer; I loved the stars in Puerto Rico. Where I actually saw them, because, you know, the skies were clearer, and I was still. awake. to see them.

3) I need to get married. Three years on, my touch and love post (go check the archives or search above, I'm too lazy to link) still holds true. I have no idea what kind of man will marry a nocturnal muslimah who craves physical, intellectual, and creative stimulation on a regular. Who wants to be a nurse and doesn't want to work after she has kids. I'm still taking classes at (again, go link yourself), and they are working out the kinks.
I need some perspective, which I suspect won't come until after I'm inshaAllah married. Because the whole 'matching' process in a community/ummah that encourages separation of genders and matchmaking that includes factors like your family (hi, my brother's nuts and the rest of us aren't muslim), your education (Yes I went to the most expensive school in the country and didn't use that degree, why do you ask?), your SKIN TONE (last I checked chocolate don't change) before your deen (alhamdulillah ana nimat al Islam!) is discouraging.

So because of 1, 2, and 3 above I don't even know if getting an MSN is wise.

I also have to say, that I stopped blogging for a while because I don't think anyone is reading... and the ones who are reading, know me in real life. I didn't think that would be as inhibitive as it is. And I need to blog that through... anyhow.

I'm out. See ya'll before April.



  1. Salam sis,
    Believe me, getting married and creating a family has its own set of challenges. Once you have children your mind just changes completely about almost everything in life. Especially if you have strong values that you hope you can instill in your kids. I, for one, feel like I have zilch perspective and my mind is constantly akimbo since I married and had kids.
    I'm just saying that because getting married is not the answer to all your problems. I don't want to feel you despairing of your future because you aren't married (yet). Enjoy your blessings and know that Allah is the best of planners for you.
    Hugs and pecks, Hajar

  2. i'm reading too
    plz dont stop
    i like ur pic :) u remind me of someone i lost touch with
    & inshallah u will be the bride of 2009

  3. As salaam walaikum,

    I get what you mean about being nocturnal. My body clock seems to automatically set itself to night mode. Somehow I've managed to fix it but that means I go to bed early and can't go out with my family at night on weekends. So, I'm trying to convince my parents to change their schedules around my sleep cycle. :P

    Regarding marriage, you forgot the age factor. It's a big issue when you are a girl.

  4. As-Salaamu 'alaikum,

    It's an issue for us guys too. Now I'm the "wrong" side of 30, I keep noticing that a lot of marriage ads from ladies put a maximum age less than that.

    BTW Twenny, I sympathise about the touch issue. As a male convert, it's caused a few moments of difficulty, particularly with female cousins who are really close (we didn't live with them, but we've always seen them at least every week and they live very close by). The hardest time was when my cousin lost her husband in summer 2007; I was one of the few people who couldn't do much for her as giving her a hug (which my mum told me to do) was out of the question.

  5. Hi, I am also reading. well just that one post anyway. I do plan to bookmark your blog though. very interesting.

    I know what you mean about about being nocturnal. :D

    don't worry you'll get married soon inshaAllh. :)


  6. Hey... pardon me for being downright stupid.. but what's this MSN thing you're talking about?

    :) Like your blog!

  7. Hi Uni! MSN means Master of Science in Nursing. It's the degree I've been flirting with for a while now.

    Thanks for the compliment and for stopping by!