peace,
I'm moving. Y'all say MashaAllah. And send chocolate to eat when the packing and moving logistics etc. are done. I cannot stand moving.
peace...
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Testimony again
peace
A testimony:
The housing choice was as follows: room with 2 women in Rosslyn, or room with one man in the area where I live now- but even closer to my job; right across the street, in fact. Which was really no choice at all,- I like Rosslyn and it's on the train line, if a bit more expensive- until I got the call that the girls in Rosslyn would need a co-signer, or IF their roomie agreed, she'd stay on the lease and I'd take over her payments. Which meant, that my spot in the room wasn't certain at all. And that if I wanted to know know where I'd be living come next Wednesday, I needed to go with the choice that wasn't a choice, living with non-mahram (very nice christian but NOT MAHRAM, hello) man right across the street from work where I'd never escape.
And I flipped right on out, y'all. Called my mama and flipped out. She was like, "can you meditate? Or pray or something?" My everlasting shame is in my reply which I will NOT relate here. Some of y'all know me in real life.
But anyway, beforehand she'd told me, not understanding the reason for my reluctance, that she'd prefer that I live across the street from my job. When I flipped out I let her know that it's haram to live with a non-mahram man, which she did get when she understood how upset that prospect was making me. "Not proper," she said, "I understand." Because a girl always wants to please her mama deep down somewhere. It killed me when she talked me out of rejecting that option out of hand- I mean, it'd cut out transportation costs, and I'd never have issues getting to work. I just happen to not love my job and also want to really start living all parts of my life the way I'm learning I've been Told To Do.
I have got to remember Who is God and that my best interest is Always to trust GOD always always always. Last night I made istikhara on the housing. I just had to give the choice to Someone else. Today the girls offered me the place again without all the red tape. InshaAllah I'm moving to Rosslyn. God knows best and I know best and now I can do best, too.
Y'all, the relief of that. The inner tension of even considering something that I've NEVER done and that I knew to be haram and feeling forced into the choice by listening to those I trusted. The craziness that comes with not knowing. And the relief of not having to act like I can predict the future. I was so. scared. Looking for other options everywhere, none with the ability to move by next Wednesday. Searching through Muslim friends and ending up with nothing. Trying to "figure it out" myself. Astaghfirullah.
Isha came tonight and saw the tears running down my face. Wow. SubhanAllah. My favorite verse came to mind- Lord willing I'm going to memorize it. Because right now- and always- it speaks to me.
Somebody better say MashaAllah. And even if you don't I'm saying alhamdulIllah for you and all of us. God is worthy, and I will ever turn back and rely on Him. And I don't need to know, as long as Somebody I can trust knows. And that Somebody always knows. Glory. That's my testimony.
peace
me
A testimony:
The housing choice was as follows: room with 2 women in Rosslyn, or room with one man in the area where I live now- but even closer to my job; right across the street, in fact. Which was really no choice at all,- I like Rosslyn and it's on the train line, if a bit more expensive- until I got the call that the girls in Rosslyn would need a co-signer, or IF their roomie agreed, she'd stay on the lease and I'd take over her payments. Which meant, that my spot in the room wasn't certain at all. And that if I wanted to know know where I'd be living come next Wednesday, I needed to go with the choice that wasn't a choice, living with non-mahram (very nice christian but NOT MAHRAM, hello) man right across the street from work where I'd never escape.
And I flipped right on out, y'all. Called my mama and flipped out. She was like, "can you meditate? Or pray or something?" My everlasting shame is in my reply which I will NOT relate here. Some of y'all know me in real life.
But anyway, beforehand she'd told me, not understanding the reason for my reluctance, that she'd prefer that I live across the street from my job. When I flipped out I let her know that it's haram to live with a non-mahram man, which she did get when she understood how upset that prospect was making me. "Not proper," she said, "I understand." Because a girl always wants to please her mama deep down somewhere. It killed me when she talked me out of rejecting that option out of hand- I mean, it'd cut out transportation costs, and I'd never have issues getting to work. I just happen to not love my job and also want to really start living all parts of my life the way I'm learning I've been Told To Do.
I have got to remember Who is God and that my best interest is Always to trust GOD always always always. Last night I made istikhara on the housing. I just had to give the choice to Someone else. Today the girls offered me the place again without all the red tape. InshaAllah I'm moving to Rosslyn. God knows best and I know best and now I can do best, too.
Y'all, the relief of that. The inner tension of even considering something that I've NEVER done and that I knew to be haram and feeling forced into the choice by listening to those I trusted. The craziness that comes with not knowing. And the relief of not having to act like I can predict the future. I was so. scared. Looking for other options everywhere, none with the ability to move by next Wednesday. Searching through Muslim friends and ending up with nothing. Trying to "figure it out" myself. Astaghfirullah.
Isha came tonight and saw the tears running down my face. Wow. SubhanAllah. My favorite verse came to mind- Lord willing I'm going to memorize it. Because right now- and always- it speaks to me.
"Allah! There is no god but He- the Living, the Self-subsisting,
Eternal. No slumber can seize Him nor sleep. His are all things in
the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence
except as He permits? He knows what (appears to His creatures as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass anything of His knowledge except as He wills. His Throne extends over the heavens and the earth, and He feels no fatigue in guarding and preserving them for He is the Most High, the Supreme in glory."
Surah al Baqarah 2:255 (trans. by Abdullah Yusuf Ali)
Somebody better say MashaAllah. And even if you don't I'm saying alhamdulIllah for you and all of us. God is worthy, and I will ever turn back and rely on Him. And I don't need to know, as long as Somebody I can trust knows. And that Somebody always knows. Glory. That's my testimony.
peace
me
Blushes
peace,
Funny. The man is in my office and I'm glad I'm a nice chocolate-y color, because I'M BLUSHING. Word. My sister could probably tell but the general public can't. Cheeks all heated. My goodness.
He sure asks a lot of questions.
And he actually speaks Punjabi better than Urdu or Spanish, for those who are interested. MashaAllah.
tee hee hee!
peace
TwennyTwo
Funny. The man is in my office and I'm glad I'm a nice chocolate-y color, because I'M BLUSHING. Word. My sister could probably tell but the general public can't. Cheeks all heated. My goodness.
He sure asks a lot of questions.
And he actually speaks Punjabi better than Urdu or Spanish, for those who are interested. MashaAllah.
tee hee hee!
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
And then stress hits.
peace,
Ahhhh, thanks to my ladies who got what I was about in that last post. Nothing like a good crush to make you feel giddy.
Seriously, though? I've caught a couple of the dua's headed my way, and thanks to everyone, because it ain't over. The stress of the past week and what's coming up in the next two weeks are requiring serious amounts of prayer already. Please remember me in your duas.
When I took the job I have, I was hired even though I made it plain that I don't own a car. Owning a car was quite clear in the job description. Now, this later caused a brief hubbub later, when I asked my exec director to join Zipcar. She was quite firm in stating that my having a car was part of the job description. She and my then-boss went over it, since they'd hired me knowing I didn't have a car, and Zipcar wouldn't cost anything, and I drew up a proposal to that effect, I ended up with Zipcar and use it to fulfill my business duties.
But seriously? My travel to this point is now such that I'm paying $250 per month just for the privilege of using a car. As my mother exclaimed, "That's a (car) note!" And it is, nearly, but I don't have a down payment for a car, nor the $200 per month that I'd be charged for insurance here (yeah, so much for the gecko). My aunt won't sell me her car, so I'm eating that cost. At this rate I'm barely breaking even since my job pays well... and it costs well over average to live in the DC metro area. Holla if ya hear me.
I'm applying to various and sundry second jobs, and not hearing from any, but I've got to find a way to resolve the car/cash issue quickly.
Also, inshaAllah I'll move on the 28th of Feb. I still don't know where I'm moving, but hey, MashaAllah, I have a couple of options! One is convienient but... would put me in an barely tenable situation islamically; the other would make for a LOT more commuting time and travel and thus cash when I don't have any to spare (or, barely tenable economically), plus the girls there are being mad shady about my papers and credit report, making me think they've got someone else on the line (hey, I have someone else on the line, so I can't blame them, but they need to give me a decision...). There's got to be a way out of this. Please keep on praying, y'all.
So. The crush? Still doing the facebook pattycake. Whatever. It was fun to think about. Still is. I wish I didn't welcome that distraction so much.
Today I miss Puerto Rico fiercely, when the weather here turns 50 degrees, and I forget that this is freezing cold. I miss humid winds plastering my skirt to my calves, the everyday amazement of the sunsets there. I miss being able to hear Frankie Ruiz like it's nothing, meeting friends who show warmth and not just recognition when I see them on the street. Much as I struggled there, it is a place of beauty alhamdulillah. Days like these tell me I'm going back, one day, maybe to pull my husband and family with, maybe not, but I can't stay away.
peace and love
me
Ahhhh, thanks to my ladies who got what I was about in that last post. Nothing like a good crush to make you feel giddy.
Seriously, though? I've caught a couple of the dua's headed my way, and thanks to everyone, because it ain't over. The stress of the past week and what's coming up in the next two weeks are requiring serious amounts of prayer already. Please remember me in your duas.
When I took the job I have, I was hired even though I made it plain that I don't own a car. Owning a car was quite clear in the job description. Now, this later caused a brief hubbub later, when I asked my exec director to join Zipcar. She was quite firm in stating that my having a car was part of the job description. She and my then-boss went over it, since they'd hired me knowing I didn't have a car, and Zipcar wouldn't cost anything, and I drew up a proposal to that effect, I ended up with Zipcar and use it to fulfill my business duties.
But seriously? My travel to this point is now such that I'm paying $250 per month just for the privilege of using a car. As my mother exclaimed, "That's a (car) note!" And it is, nearly, but I don't have a down payment for a car, nor the $200 per month that I'd be charged for insurance here (yeah, so much for the gecko). My aunt won't sell me her car, so I'm eating that cost. At this rate I'm barely breaking even since my job pays well... and it costs well over average to live in the DC metro area. Holla if ya hear me.
I'm applying to various and sundry second jobs, and not hearing from any, but I've got to find a way to resolve the car/cash issue quickly.
Also, inshaAllah I'll move on the 28th of Feb. I still don't know where I'm moving, but hey, MashaAllah, I have a couple of options! One is convienient but... would put me in an barely tenable situation islamically; the other would make for a LOT more commuting time and travel and thus cash when I don't have any to spare (or, barely tenable economically), plus the girls there are being mad shady about my papers and credit report, making me think they've got someone else on the line (hey, I have someone else on the line, so I can't blame them, but they need to give me a decision...). There's got to be a way out of this. Please keep on praying, y'all.
So. The crush? Still doing the facebook pattycake. Whatever. It was fun to think about. Still is. I wish I didn't welcome that distraction so much.
Today I miss Puerto Rico fiercely, when the weather here turns 50 degrees, and I forget that this is freezing cold. I miss humid winds plastering my skirt to my calves, the everyday amazement of the sunsets there. I miss being able to hear Frankie Ruiz like it's nothing, meeting friends who show warmth and not just recognition when I see them on the street. Much as I struggled there, it is a place of beauty alhamdulillah. Days like these tell me I'm going back, one day, maybe to pull my husband and family with, maybe not, but I can't stay away.
peace and love
me
Friday, February 16, 2007
Okay, so, like...
peace,
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a negative post.
No, my friends, this is a very positive post.
A pink, girly, giggly post.
See... I was at an MSA Eid ulAdha event (don't start, it was excellent and the only chance I have to socialize with young Muslims), doing me, and I met these new people.
Mind you everyone there but the girl who invited me is younger than I am. And I'm NOT there for men, but for being around other young muslims. So I said my obligatory astaghfirullah, right?
We all ended up at dinner after cleaning up the event mess. The beautiful reciter was there with a couple of his friends. I listened to his conversation and he was very interesting. Now I wish I had blogged it because that night was inspiring and made me realize that MSA was really good while I was in school. I miss having plain conversation with people, without it being all sexualized, just exchanging ideas, without being at work. As I remarked to my girlfriend, "Man, that was awesome. Was I that bright at 19?"
Anyway, one of the friends of the beautiful reciters had caught my eye, but again, I was feeling old and said my astaghfirUllah. Lowering the gaze and nur on faces being what they are, I was straight. I felt good about the night. I ate (twice, but 5 hrs apart so I don't feel bad), talked, and was merry with mah peoples. I felt like I'd regained a bit of the feeling, temporarily, of what I lost when I left Christianity and unknowingly my UMYF youth group culture.
And then at the end of the night, we're all leaving, and I said something about how flippin cold ("Que FRIO, CARAaaaaa!) it was in Spanish. This curly haired deep voiced guy from the group turned around.
Now, meandirectorlady had just told me that she was looking for Spanish speakers to train (long story short, we train interpreters) from the area of MD where this particular gentleman was from. We talked so long outside the restaurant that our respective groups of friends start wandering off. I guess a conversation in a language you don't know between the tallest people in the crowd can be boring from the outside.
So I go, "hey, you want to work for me?!" that being my line of the night. I'd passed out all of my business cards to different sisters and brothers who speak languages we really need. "Yeah, un momentico...," he said, "I'm excited, you're excited, let me call you and make sure that this is something I can do."
Aiight, I thought, whatever.
He ends up calling after calling my cell and getting my voicemail, asking a bro who had got my card for the number there, calling my job, and sending me an email there.
Then began (ahem innocent) the facebook flirtation. Which, by the way, is still up between our walls for those of you who are on my facebook and care to look. Plus he stuttered (and said, can y'all believe this, 'Wow, I'm tonguetied right now, I don't know why') and stammered his way through conducting the official bizness necessary to get him into our training when I talked to him. And I'm all, I need to chill. Astaghfirullah. All that. Y'know?
And now I'm all crushalicious. But in my professional capacity, I still have to work with him, and don't need to be flirting with him. And in my dang-I'm-25 role, I don't need to be flirting with him . And in my muslima fashion, I'm tryna front like I don't like him. And in my single role, I want to know how he treats his mom and can't believe how many people incidenally are like 'that bro is on his stuff' plus? He's a sweetie.
Please excuse my airheadedness for a second:
Had to get that out before I exploded. But that's been the bright part of a coupla horrid weeks, thank you for not puking from the valley-ness of this post.
peace
me
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a negative post.
No, my friends, this is a very positive post.
A pink, girly, giggly post.
See... I was at an MSA Eid ulAdha event (don't start, it was excellent and the only chance I have to socialize with young Muslims), doing me, and I met these new people.
(Okay so picture the obligatorily tall broad brown dark guy, one of a group of similarly young brown guys, spouting 'alhamdulIllahs' after prayer here, and my head sticking out of the crowd of sparkly, squealing girls throwing out 'mashaAllahs'.)
There was one who caught my eye when he was reciting Qur'an before the event, mashaAllah. And there was one who was truly the most beautiful reciter I have ever heard in person mashaAllah.
Mind you everyone there but the girl who invited me is younger than I am. And I'm NOT there for men, but for being around other young muslims. So I said my obligatory astaghfirullah, right?
We all ended up at dinner after cleaning up the event mess. The beautiful reciter was there with a couple of his friends. I listened to his conversation and he was very interesting. Now I wish I had blogged it because that night was inspiring and made me realize that MSA was really good while I was in school. I miss having plain conversation with people, without it being all sexualized, just exchanging ideas, without being at work. As I remarked to my girlfriend, "Man, that was awesome. Was I that bright at 19?"
Anyway, one of the friends of the beautiful reciters had caught my eye, but again, I was feeling old and said my astaghfirUllah. Lowering the gaze and nur on faces being what they are, I was straight. I felt good about the night. I ate (twice, but 5 hrs apart so I don't feel bad), talked, and was merry with mah peoples. I felt like I'd regained a bit of the feeling, temporarily, of what I lost when I left Christianity and unknowingly my UMYF youth group culture.
And then at the end of the night, we're all leaving, and I said something about how flippin cold ("Que FRIO, CARAaaaaa!) it was in Spanish. This curly haired deep voiced guy from the group turned around.
He answered me back in perfect - and I mean spot-on-no-accent-straight-off-the-boat Spanish.I looked at him like "whaaa--?" It must be the same look I get when people hear muhejebah morena ME going off in Spanish. We get to talking.
Turns out he speaks like 4 languages, including Urdu and Spanish. Turns out he's half Puerto Rican. Turns out he's studying at AlmaMater. All very interesting.
Now, meandirectorlady had just told me that she was looking for Spanish speakers to train (long story short, we train interpreters) from the area of MD where this particular gentleman was from. We talked so long outside the restaurant that our respective groups of friends start wandering off. I guess a conversation in a language you don't know between the tallest people in the crowd can be boring from the outside.
So I go, "hey, you want to work for me?!" that being my line of the night. I'd passed out all of my business cards to different sisters and brothers who speak languages we really need. "Yeah, un momentico...," he said, "I'm excited, you're excited, let me call you and make sure that this is something I can do."
Aiight, I thought, whatever.
He ends up calling after calling my cell and getting my voicemail, asking a bro who had got my card for the number there, calling my job, and sending me an email there.
Brotha needed a job, I'm thinking.
Then began (ahem innocent) the facebook flirtation. Which, by the way, is still up between our walls for those of you who are on my facebook and care to look. Plus he stuttered (and said, can y'all believe this, 'Wow, I'm tonguetied right now, I don't know why') and stammered his way through conducting the official bizness necessary to get him into our training when I talked to him. And I'm all, I need to chill. Astaghfirullah. All that. Y'know?
And now I'm all crushalicious. But in my professional capacity, I still have to work with him, and don't need to be flirting with him. And in my dang-I'm-25 role, I don't need to be flirting with him . And in my muslima fashion, I'm tryna front like I don't like him. And in my single role, I want to know how he treats his mom and can't believe how many people incidenally are like 'that bro is on his stuff' plus? He's a sweetie.
Please excuse my airheadedness for a second:
Okay, so, like, ohmygoodness. I, like, know this isn't gonna turn into anything, right? I mean, what is anything, anyway? But, like, what if it does? And like, am I just imagining it? Or does he like me? Ooh mylanta and he's such a chulo! And omygosh, I have got to chill out! And he's like this super-on-the-deen guy, y'know? Yeah, mashaAllah! But he's like sooooo cute! And plus I get to see him at work, but like, my boss will be there? So even if I could say something I wouldn't? But I totally want to, because, ohmygosh, he's like, funny and muslim, and he speaks Spanish and he's sooo cute! Like ohmylanta!
Had to get that out before I exploded. But that's been the bright part of a coupla horrid weeks, thank you for not puking from the valley-ness of this post.
peace
me
Friday, February 09, 2007
Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.
peace,
Okay, so I have issues.
I didn't realize this until I had a panic attack after speaking to my father when he called my job, because he asked me, "How many jobs do you have?"
Because he called me at work.
Because he's in town.
Because he wants to see me.
Because I (only) have one job.
Because I'm nearly out of money.
Because he wants to come to my house.
Because I don't know how I'm going to move from one house to another without any money.
Because I need to be able to leave this job after experiencing the harrassment of the other day.
Because. Just because.
Panic attack. I'm talking racing heart, funny stomach pit, shaking fingers panic attack.
So I've decided to turn this around:
I'm GRATEFUL.
I'm grateful to the One true God, the Most High, the Provider.
I'm grateful that I have a job.
I'm grateful that I have telephone access at my job.
I'm grateful that my father is alive to call me.
I'm grateful that my father wants to see me and loves me.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to see my father when he lives 600 miles away.
I'm grateful that I can work more than one job.
I'm grateful that I'm open to take any evening or work job I can.
I'm grateful that I have access to a computer to "talk" myself out of panicking when nothing else is available.
I'm grateful that I'll have choices when it comes to housing. InshaAllah.
I'm grateful there's always tomorrow to look forward to; even when things are getting worse they'll eventually be better. SubhanAllah.
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, so I have issues.
I didn't realize this until I had a panic attack after speaking to my father when he called my job, because he asked me, "How many jobs do you have?"
Because he called me at work.
Because he's in town.
Because he wants to see me.
Because I (only) have one job.
Because I'm nearly out of money.
Because he wants to come to my house.
Because I don't know how I'm going to move from one house to another without any money.
Because I need to be able to leave this job after experiencing the harrassment of the other day.
Because. Just because.
Panic attack. I'm talking racing heart, funny stomach pit, shaking fingers panic attack.
So I've decided to turn this around:
I'm GRATEFUL.
I'm grateful to the One true God, the Most High, the Provider.
I'm grateful that I have a job.
I'm grateful that I have telephone access at my job.
I'm grateful that my father is alive to call me.
I'm grateful that my father wants to see me and loves me.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to see my father when he lives 600 miles away.
I'm grateful that I can work more than one job.
I'm grateful that I'm open to take any evening or work job I can.
I'm grateful that I have access to a computer to "talk" myself out of panicking when nothing else is available.
I'm grateful that I'll have choices when it comes to housing. InshaAllah.
I'm grateful there's always tomorrow to look forward to; even when things are getting worse they'll eventually be better. SubhanAllah.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Put a Prayer on'er!
peace,
DUDE. That same director who embarrassed me wrongly is now coming at me again. She's "upset" about a process again. I'm not. interested. in dealing with her at all today.
Please put a dua'a on me. I'm serious. Pray for sabr, forbearance, diligence, and peace. I'm doing the same.
peace
TwennyTwo
DUDE. That same director who embarrassed me wrongly is now coming at me again. She's "upset" about a process again. I'm not. interested. in dealing with her at all today.
Please put a dua'a on me. I'm serious. Pray for sabr, forbearance, diligence, and peace. I'm doing the same.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, February 05, 2007
plus...
peace,
plus, think of the homeless in these days, offer warm food, a blanket or even the number of a shelter if you can. The HIGH temp here is 23 deg. Fahrenheit, and the wind is so fierce that it feels like 7.
I so want to slap myself for every one of the few times I complained about the wet warmth of puerto rico...
peace
TwennyTwo
plus, think of the homeless in these days, offer warm food, a blanket or even the number of a shelter if you can. The HIGH temp here is 23 deg. Fahrenheit, and the wind is so fierce that it feels like 7.
I so want to slap myself for every one of the few times I complained about the wet warmth of puerto rico...
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, February 04, 2007
We belong to Allah
peace,
... and to Allah we return.
Nzingha's mother has passed away. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. I like the translation of the English that says We belong to God, and to God we return. So true.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my passive aggressive roomie, R, without resulting to passive aggression myself. Please make dua'a for me. The main problem is facing what I see as willful inconsideration toward me. I'm praying on it, and I'll ask you to do the same. The latest incident involves her telling an untruth, and I believe it was pointed at controlling my actions in a certain way, thus, so far my reaction has been to not react. But that won't last long.
I've had no luck in the house search either, or in the job search, which means at this point that I won't have enough money (1 mo plus deposit) to move to a place equal to where I live. I'm not worried, though. Just asking for patience and guidance. I keep thinking of that poem (please remind me if you know who wrote it):
The past week has been a series of steps, and i'm afraid... have to remember that reaching the edge only means I'll fly. We belong to Allah always.
peace
TwennyTwo
... and to Allah we return.
Nzingha's mother has passed away. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. I like the translation of the English that says We belong to God, and to God we return. So true.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my passive aggressive roomie, R, without resulting to passive aggression myself. Please make dua'a for me. The main problem is facing what I see as willful inconsideration toward me. I'm praying on it, and I'll ask you to do the same. The latest incident involves her telling an untruth, and I believe it was pointed at controlling my actions in a certain way, thus, so far my reaction has been to not react. But that won't last long.
I've had no luck in the house search either, or in the job search, which means at this point that I won't have enough money (1 mo plus deposit) to move to a place equal to where I live. I'm not worried, though. Just asking for patience and guidance. I keep thinking of that poem (please remind me if you know who wrote it):
come to the edge he said
no we are afraid
come to the edge he said
no we are afraid
come to the edge he said
they came
he pushed them
they flew
The past week has been a series of steps, and i'm afraid... have to remember that reaching the edge only means I'll fly. We belong to Allah always.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, February 03, 2007
UmmahFilms needs your love!
peace, y'all,
Oh, the busy day inshaAllah I have in front of me today. And yet here I am blogging.
Why? Well at 8AM on a Saturday, it's a good reason!
Ummah Films (home of Mahdi Ahmad, Baba 'Ali, and the Ankabut Baby) is working on its first short film. They've made the process pretty transparent by blogging it for the world to see, first so other new filmmakers can follow their footsteps and learn from their experience, but also in order to do some da'wah, get some positive messages out about Islam, and also, as their motto says, to remind us "Just in Case You Forgot." (ya'll say MashaAllah!)
In order to do this, they need funds, and they're raising them by selling their T-shirts, glow-in-the-dark MUSLIM wristbands, and the popular Mecca to Medina board game online. I cannot be happier with the service I've received from this company; the T-shirt I got was awesome. And hey- a halal way to raise money! And we get to see the results! Yay!
Last month they put out more t-shirts with the 'reminder' logo... and had the nerve to not put out long-sleeved XL shirts! Ack! But I (and some other sisters) let them know in a comment (without my usual acerbic working, fijate) that I really am muhejebah and appreciate the larger size for covering and... mashaAllah they now have both the black shirt with white lettering and the white shirt with black lettering in larger sizes with long sleeves!
Point: Please check out the link above, even if you don't buy anything at the moment, if you think the cause worthy, pass it along. As a young'n, I know the ever greater role media and video portrayal of muslims and Islam have in shaping how we're perceived and the thousands and millions who are making the choice to become muslim. I think this deserves our support!
Thanks.
Also, Ms. Koonj: inshaAllah your trip went well last night and you're gonna give some long lasting knowledge at this talk. Go you! I'm praying for you...
peace
TwennyTwo
Oh, the busy day inshaAllah I have in front of me today. And yet here I am blogging.
Why? Well at 8AM on a Saturday, it's a good reason!
Ummah Films (home of Mahdi Ahmad, Baba 'Ali, and the Ankabut Baby) is working on its first short film. They've made the process pretty transparent by blogging it for the world to see, first so other new filmmakers can follow their footsteps and learn from their experience, but also in order to do some da'wah, get some positive messages out about Islam, and also, as their motto says, to remind us "Just in Case You Forgot." (ya'll say MashaAllah!)
In order to do this, they need funds, and they're raising them by selling their T-shirts, glow-in-the-dark MUSLIM wristbands, and the popular Mecca to Medina board game online. I cannot be happier with the service I've received from this company; the T-shirt I got was awesome. And hey- a halal way to raise money! And we get to see the results! Yay!
Last month they put out more t-shirts with the 'reminder' logo... and had the nerve to not put out long-sleeved XL shirts! Ack! But I (and some other sisters) let them know in a comment (without my usual acerbic working, fijate) that I really am muhejebah and appreciate the larger size for covering and... mashaAllah they now have both the black shirt with white lettering and the white shirt with black lettering in larger sizes with long sleeves!
Point: Please check out the link above, even if you don't buy anything at the moment, if you think the cause worthy, pass it along. As a young'n, I know the ever greater role media and video portrayal of muslims and Islam have in shaping how we're perceived and the thousands and millions who are making the choice to become muslim. I think this deserves our support!
Thanks.
Also, Ms. Koonj: inshaAllah your trip went well last night and you're gonna give some long lasting knowledge at this talk. Go you! I'm praying for you...
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Unfinished list
peace,
okay, I had to do this. It isn't a meme but more like acting on an inspiration.
First, go read A Winnebago and World Peace at Heather's spot. Then read this, a beautiful continuation of what she said and what she'd do.
Ready?
I've had that desire to tell things to people.
This is my unfinished list:
to be continued. Boy does that feel good!
okay, I had to do this. It isn't a meme but more like acting on an inspiration.
First, go read A Winnebago and World Peace at Heather's spot. Then read this, a beautiful continuation of what she said and what she'd do.
Ready?
I've had that desire to tell things to people.
This is my unfinished list:
I don't have children, but I can almost see being a parent when I look at you. You're wonderful and you make me outrageously proud all the time. All the time.
I still think about you, and I alternately curse you and pray for your wellbeing.
You're a selfish, childish, manipulative bitch, and you deserve the way he first acted when you told him.
How on earth do you just give away your children? Are you mad? The part of themselves that is you can't ever be replaced by anyone else. You might not deserve them, but they deserve even a little of you.
The best christmas ever was having you open hastily picked presents as if they were gold. I'm angry we didn't share more and I love you through the absences.
YES, I CAN and WILL finish a half marathon, asshole, and when I do, I'm letting someone else tell you about it. You won't ever hear it from me.
I adore you: your character, your art, your caring, your friendliness, your loyalty, the fact that you're never angry with me no matter how hard I work to piss you off. Thank you.
Humility is something I know I lack, and you're my shining inspiration in reaching for it. You're a muslim in christian skin, perhaps the best one i know.
First place goes to... you! You're a class act. The best, hard to top, and you don't even realize!
You're the best listener I know. Dont let money stop you from being the best your community will ever have. You can do it- and though I'm not so great, you've got an ear on me somewhere, always.
I care. I do. I just don't call/email/see you because drama then makes it harder to care for you. But I love you for your quirks. Real love, my friend.
The fact that the finding was so easy just proves that people belong to everyone. You're wrong and you know it.
That ass-whoopin you're going to wear is a good time waiting for me to happen, dearie.
You are worth all the hard work, all the effort, all the screaming and the self-discipline, the crazy looks and the misunderstandings it takes to get there. Worth. Every. Bit. Worthy: that's you.
Warrior! Where've you been?!
Push- they need it! Yes, like that! Again! Don't back down.
SO glad that friendship ended the way it did. Of course your inferiority and jealousy come before your friends. That's why you have none.
You're the one person I'd still do anything for after all this time. You proved it, so give me that chance.
Your ass isn't flat. It had nothing to do with you. I'm sorry.
I see God through you, do you know that? When I was lost and thinking about atheism, you were just yourself, a shining light to the Way. You're talented, gorgeous- always making me think that I'm not too old, after all.
You are the best thing that will ever happen to me, but your fear is poisonous, I beg you, don't pass that to me.
Shut me up, then!
Why not? You can never say that. Why the hell not? Just tell me, it can't hurt more than your NOT talking does.
I cannot stand your haircut. Please, for the love of God, don't cut it like that again, your head is round and doesn't need angles!
Your new wife is sweet and funny mashaAllah, and I wish you the best.
Honey, I never ever ever wanted him. Not even for a second. Don't flatter yourself, or him.
to be continued. Boy does that feel good!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Gotta space?
peace,
So, I went and looked over the past 5 or 6 entries here, and they're pretty negative, with the exception of my sister's graduation. I did notice that vaguely before I just kinda took a break. I needed to. I didn't start this blog with the purpose of negativity- although God knows it's turned into a source of barakah and support I didn't anticipate either.
One last entry of negative, downers. I promise. From the end of this entry, I'm going to be able to show the positive outlook I've been able to finally grasp, bit by bit, MashaAllah.
In order of importance, then:
I'm looking for a place to live, as close to Alexandria, VA as possible. Please, leave me a comment if you know of a place that is under $700/mo. I don't mind sharing a house, that's the situation I'm in now.
How this happened:
A while back I said here that my situation at home was not peaceful, that my two roomies were fighting. One of them eventually moved out (M). M was generally the nice one. The one who remained (R)is also nice when she's not being immature or not nice. Nuff Said.
My lease was supposed to be up at the beginning of February. Last week, before she left for her sister's graduation, R mentioned that she wanted to just have two roomies in the house. I was pretty straight about the fact that I couldn't afford it. And she asked when my lease was up.
Fast forward to today, when she walked into my room and mentioned that she didn't want to renew my lease. I asked why, she said, "I need peace in my home. And I think we'd be better friends if we lived apart." I didn't feel like exercising my credibility-meter (I'll leave it up to Someone Else on whether or not to believe that, since I haven't fought with anyone here), so I just said, "You know, that leaves me three days to find a place to stay." She offered me until the middle of the month to move, I said I wanted until the end of the month, which I thought quite fair. Deal struck. I'm outta here no later than 28 February. This is where I turn to those of you who read this blog and know/live in the DC metro area.
I'm now looking for a place to stay, and I'd really say SubhanAllah if I found it in the next 10 days. Living here now that that conversation took place... I'm making dua right now for patience and love for my fellow human beings at all times. I don't want anything from here to take with me, emotionally. Funny that I was just thinking that I needed to be looking into places to stay right before R walked into my room. I have no bed, just dresser, mirror, bookcase, so I'm looking into getting a second job in order to be able to move. Please also let me know if you know of a place that could use a worker after 6pm- I'm tall, I don't mind physical stuff.
The other thing is that Joy M., a friend that I went to high school with, just died. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
She was only 28. So within the space of a year two friends I went to school with have died, suddenly and unexpectedly.
It's reminders of death. And that caught me hard. It made me turn more toward God. I had been reading Purification of the Heart by Sheik Hamza Yusuf, and it kept talking about remembering death, how close it is, how fast the akhira is coming.
This particular friend was one of my "double friends". When I was in middle school and high school, my routine involved school, home, church, and community activities. MashaAllah I never had a chance to get into real trouble. My parents really made it their focus to keep us involved and grounded and working for others. I actually miss that which is another post. Point is, if I knew people, it was from one of those things, and they rarely mixed. Joy, her sister Jessica, my sister, and I all went to the same high school as well as church, and we ended up doing community events together as well. We all sang in the choir together. I'm so sad for her sister, they were so close, and now Jessica only has her mother left- her dad died at the beginning of her sr. year of high school, and her other siblings are waaaay older ( like minimum 15 years older) than she is. I made dua. But it's still sad.
Also: Things are getting stressful at my job. I'm working to improve my performance, because I want to give it my all. Please make dua for me in that, too.
I keep remembering the dua Shabana taught that one time: " I know this is from You. And it is to test me. And it is to try me. And I will be patient on it. And I will be patient on it as long as You want me to be patient on it." Over and over and over again we'll be tried. Right now I just hope I'm doing well on His tests. Ya Latif! Ya Aziz! I still firmly absolutely believe, even when it's hard.
Okay. One last negative is done. InshaAllah things will be better.
peace
TwennyTwo
So, I went and looked over the past 5 or 6 entries here, and they're pretty negative, with the exception of my sister's graduation. I did notice that vaguely before I just kinda took a break. I needed to. I didn't start this blog with the purpose of negativity- although God knows it's turned into a source of barakah and support I didn't anticipate either.
One last entry of negative, downers. I promise. From the end of this entry, I'm going to be able to show the positive outlook I've been able to finally grasp, bit by bit, MashaAllah.
In order of importance, then:
I'm looking for a place to live, as close to Alexandria, VA as possible. Please, leave me a comment if you know of a place that is under $700/mo. I don't mind sharing a house, that's the situation I'm in now.
How this happened:
A while back I said here that my situation at home was not peaceful, that my two roomies were fighting. One of them eventually moved out (M). M was generally the nice one. The one who remained (R)is also nice when she's not being immature or not nice. Nuff Said.
My lease was supposed to be up at the beginning of February. Last week, before she left for her sister's graduation, R mentioned that she wanted to just have two roomies in the house. I was pretty straight about the fact that I couldn't afford it. And she asked when my lease was up.
Fast forward to today, when she walked into my room and mentioned that she didn't want to renew my lease. I asked why, she said, "I need peace in my home. And I think we'd be better friends if we lived apart." I didn't feel like exercising my credibility-meter (I'll leave it up to Someone Else on whether or not to believe that, since I haven't fought with anyone here), so I just said, "You know, that leaves me three days to find a place to stay." She offered me until the middle of the month to move, I said I wanted until the end of the month, which I thought quite fair. Deal struck. I'm outta here no later than 28 February. This is where I turn to those of you who read this blog and know/live in the DC metro area.
I'm now looking for a place to stay, and I'd really say SubhanAllah if I found it in the next 10 days. Living here now that that conversation took place... I'm making dua right now for patience and love for my fellow human beings at all times. I don't want anything from here to take with me, emotionally. Funny that I was just thinking that I needed to be looking into places to stay right before R walked into my room. I have no bed, just dresser, mirror, bookcase, so I'm looking into getting a second job in order to be able to move. Please also let me know if you know of a place that could use a worker after 6pm- I'm tall, I don't mind physical stuff.
The other thing is that Joy M., a friend that I went to high school with, just died. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
She was only 28. So within the space of a year two friends I went to school with have died, suddenly and unexpectedly.
It's reminders of death. And that caught me hard. It made me turn more toward God. I had been reading Purification of the Heart by Sheik Hamza Yusuf, and it kept talking about remembering death, how close it is, how fast the akhira is coming.
This particular friend was one of my "double friends". When I was in middle school and high school, my routine involved school, home, church, and community activities. MashaAllah I never had a chance to get into real trouble. My parents really made it their focus to keep us involved and grounded and working for others. I actually miss that which is another post. Point is, if I knew people, it was from one of those things, and they rarely mixed. Joy, her sister Jessica, my sister, and I all went to the same high school as well as church, and we ended up doing community events together as well. We all sang in the choir together. I'm so sad for her sister, they were so close, and now Jessica only has her mother left- her dad died at the beginning of her sr. year of high school, and her other siblings are waaaay older ( like minimum 15 years older) than she is. I made dua. But it's still sad.
Also: Things are getting stressful at my job. I'm working to improve my performance, because I want to give it my all. Please make dua for me in that, too.
I keep remembering the dua Shabana taught that one time: " I know this is from You. And it is to test me. And it is to try me. And I will be patient on it. And I will be patient on it as long as You want me to be patient on it." Over and over and over again we'll be tried. Right now I just hope I'm doing well on His tests. Ya Latif! Ya Aziz! I still firmly absolutely believe, even when it's hard.
Okay. One last negative is done. InshaAllah things will be better.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, January 13, 2007
She's even on MY ISLAND now
peace,
Happy New Year to you all.
Haven't felt like writing, much. And I will probably continue my hiatus after this. But I'm just so mad right now.
For some reason, today I decided to check on the news in PR. The only newspaper that's widely read there and is on the internet is El Nuevo DÃa. I didn't like El Nuevo DÃa when I was ON the island, but now- well, you have to keep up on things somehow.
So, first- on the front page, the news that there have been 47 murders on the island in 2007.
A many of those dead died in balaceras, what we think of as drive-by shootings, but has the connotation of "rain of bullets". Yeah. There are pictures on the site but I don't recommend looking. Sad. They always show the suspects. These particular shootings happened on the Expreso De Diego, the parkway that I rode on all of the time, in broad daylight. I looked at the suspects, who always put their heads down to hide from the shame of a camera. I prayed none of them were my students. And yes, unfortunately, I know that a couple of my students have the potential to be in front of that camera. It makes me furious. It makes me incredibly sad.
But then?!
THEN?!
Guess who's featured this week as part of the Vidas Unicas ("Unique Lives") series of articles?! None other than Ayaan Hirsan Ali.
I thought I was furious before.
When I lived in Puerto Rico, I experienced the gamut of reactions to Islam and my choice to live as a single, professional muhejebah. Many of those who became my closest friends understood because they were very religious and observant Christians, some Catholic others Protestant. They got my devotion to God, how much I needed it, and the love I showed by keeping hijab in that hot, humid climate I so enjoyed. Others didn't care.
But there were more. Stereotypes were wild there- there was a telenovela out of BrasÃl that ran as I arrived on the island, that showed women who had been circumsized in hijab gossipping, fighting in jealousy over various men, locked in houses with no way to leave without express permission... you know the images I'm talking about. So I was always fighting that. I remember so clearly the time I was carrying my friend Tajani's daughter Danya through Plaza Las Amèricas, the biggest, nicest mall in the Caribbean, and was stopped by a huge crowd of people, staring at my hijab, insisting that I was kidnapping her. The crazy remarks from parents and well-meaning acquaintances. One guy straight asking me if I was circumsized, how did I like freedom after being oppressed for so long. Craziness.
And now she's spreading it, they're enabling her, in a Spanish-language article delaring my beautiful Islam a cage, to trap and kill women. My island doesn't need that. Where are the articles and the people promoting the beauty of Islam? Because I'll tell you, I remember calling the masjid and getting a person with such a disdainful attitude that I never called back. This after I was on my feet, was actually trying to find help for a sister who ended up giving up 3 of her 5 children to the state because she couldn't feed them and her husband wasn't around. Yes, everyone is human. I know that. But as a Black woman, I know that when you're part of a very small minority, what you do and how you treat everyone is scrutinized and homogenized and taken as representative of a whole. And unfortunately, that homogenized image in Puerto Rico is of Muslim men as gruff and uncaring and Arab, and women as covered, hot and sweating, with no opportunities, caged by men and a too-demanding, terrorising religion. We're not helping our own case. And then, here comes that woman, giving interviews that make it worse and flitting back to Lord knows where she lives. I don't hate anyone, but how close I could get...
Puerto Rico already has so few Muslims, yo, and even fewer who cover (of my friends on the island, only Tajani rigorously observed hijab; the rest don't regard it as necessary, and yes, one admitted to me that without hijab, because of her coloring, her family blends into the society without a hitch). Obviously the editor who allowed that article to be written has a viewpoint that sees Islam just this way, and the opinions of Ms. Ali as completely valid. I just think it's crazy that no one EVER wrote an article on the Muslims of Puerto Rico while I was there that didn't have a political spin, that didn't portray the woman as lesser.
God bless'em all. Much as I want to return, I guess it's good I'm not in Puerto Rico any more.
peace
TwennyTwo
Happy New Year to you all.
Haven't felt like writing, much. And I will probably continue my hiatus after this. But I'm just so mad right now.
For some reason, today I decided to check on the news in PR. The only newspaper that's widely read there and is on the internet is El Nuevo DÃa. I didn't like El Nuevo DÃa when I was ON the island, but now- well, you have to keep up on things somehow.
So, first- on the front page, the news that there have been 47 murders on the island in 2007.
Wait. 47 people dead? IN THIRTEEN DAYS?! Que diablos está pasando en mi isla querida?! (what the heck is going down on my beloved island?!)
A many of those dead died in balaceras, what we think of as drive-by shootings, but has the connotation of "rain of bullets". Yeah. There are pictures on the site but I don't recommend looking. Sad. They always show the suspects. These particular shootings happened on the Expreso De Diego, the parkway that I rode on all of the time, in broad daylight. I looked at the suspects, who always put their heads down to hide from the shame of a camera. I prayed none of them were my students. And yes, unfortunately, I know that a couple of my students have the potential to be in front of that camera. It makes me furious. It makes me incredibly sad.
But then?!
THEN?!
Guess who's featured this week as part of the Vidas Unicas ("Unique Lives") series of articles?! None other than Ayaan Hirsan Ali.
I thought I was furious before.
When I lived in Puerto Rico, I experienced the gamut of reactions to Islam and my choice to live as a single, professional muhejebah. Many of those who became my closest friends understood because they were very religious and observant Christians, some Catholic others Protestant. They got my devotion to God, how much I needed it, and the love I showed by keeping hijab in that hot, humid climate I so enjoyed. Others didn't care.
But there were more. Stereotypes were wild there- there was a telenovela out of BrasÃl that ran as I arrived on the island, that showed women who had been circumsized in hijab gossipping, fighting in jealousy over various men, locked in houses with no way to leave without express permission... you know the images I'm talking about. So I was always fighting that. I remember so clearly the time I was carrying my friend Tajani's daughter Danya through Plaza Las Amèricas, the biggest, nicest mall in the Caribbean, and was stopped by a huge crowd of people, staring at my hijab, insisting that I was kidnapping her. The crazy remarks from parents and well-meaning acquaintances. One guy straight asking me if I was circumsized, how did I like freedom after being oppressed for so long. Craziness.
And now she's spreading it, they're enabling her, in a Spanish-language article delaring my beautiful Islam a cage, to trap and kill women. My island doesn't need that. Where are the articles and the people promoting the beauty of Islam? Because I'll tell you, I remember calling the masjid and getting a person with such a disdainful attitude that I never called back. This after I was on my feet, was actually trying to find help for a sister who ended up giving up 3 of her 5 children to the state because she couldn't feed them and her husband wasn't around. Yes, everyone is human. I know that. But as a Black woman, I know that when you're part of a very small minority, what you do and how you treat everyone is scrutinized and homogenized and taken as representative of a whole. And unfortunately, that homogenized image in Puerto Rico is of Muslim men as gruff and uncaring and Arab, and women as covered, hot and sweating, with no opportunities, caged by men and a too-demanding, terrorising religion. We're not helping our own case. And then, here comes that woman, giving interviews that make it worse and flitting back to Lord knows where she lives. I don't hate anyone, but how close I could get...
Puerto Rico already has so few Muslims, yo, and even fewer who cover (of my friends on the island, only Tajani rigorously observed hijab; the rest don't regard it as necessary, and yes, one admitted to me that without hijab, because of her coloring, her family blends into the society without a hitch). Obviously the editor who allowed that article to be written has a viewpoint that sees Islam just this way, and the opinions of Ms. Ali as completely valid. I just think it's crazy that no one EVER wrote an article on the Muslims of Puerto Rico while I was there that didn't have a political spin, that didn't portray the woman as lesser.
God bless'em all. Much as I want to return, I guess it's good I'm not in Puerto Rico any more.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, December 18, 2006
Mabrook and Congrats, Sister!
peace,
My sister has graduated from college. Magna cum laude, masha'Allah!
I spent the past weekend getting to and then attending her graduation, eating with her, meeting her beau (and man, the moment when he met our father- PRICELESS!), meeting all the friends she'd talked about for five years. I'll never forget the moment she walked across the stage, when they called her name.
It was good to be able to see her, talk to her, tell her I'm proud of her and I love her. Any and all drama that took place is secondary to that, so that is where I'll leave it. Congratulations, Sister!
in other observations,
Can I join this group? It sounds like a great idea not only ecologically but also financially. To have a valid justification for not buying things, one that makes me feel valiant instead of depressed and sacrificial, is a good idea. Hmm.
I officially took the day off, but I have errands to do, and I really should pop into the office for a couple hours so I can meet my new 'boss' on her first day. She'll be back for a couple weeks starting in Jan.
peace
TwennyTwo
My sister has graduated from college. Magna cum laude, masha'Allah!
I spent the past weekend getting to and then attending her graduation, eating with her, meeting her beau (and man, the moment when he met our father- PRICELESS!), meeting all the friends she'd talked about for five years. I'll never forget the moment she walked across the stage, when they called her name.
It was good to be able to see her, talk to her, tell her I'm proud of her and I love her. Any and all drama that took place is secondary to that, so that is where I'll leave it. Congratulations, Sister!
in other observations,
Can I join this group? It sounds like a great idea not only ecologically but also financially. To have a valid justification for not buying things, one that makes me feel valiant instead of depressed and sacrificial, is a good idea. Hmm.
I officially took the day off, but I have errands to do, and I really should pop into the office for a couple hours so I can meet my new 'boss' on her first day. She'll be back for a couple weeks starting in Jan.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Straight from my background- since you asked
peace,
Ms. Koonj asked about Proverbs 15.
From bible gateway dot com:
Proverbs 15
It's still a great reminder and good wisdom by which to live.
Sherry: Briefly, Love ya, too! I have no phone right now, I think I explained earlier, so I'll have to call you later. But thank you for your kind words on my capability, I really really really needed to hear that just then.
Oh, btw Shabana, I can't pull up your blog. Any reason?
peace to all
TwennyTwo
Ms. Koonj asked about Proverbs 15.
From bible gateway dot com:
Proverbs 15
1A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
2The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.
3The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
4A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.
5A fool despiseth his father's instruction: but he that regardeth reproof is prudent.
6In the house of the righteous is much treasure: but in the revenues of the wicked is trouble.
7The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth not so.
8The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the LORD: but the prayer of the upright is his delight.
9The way of the wicked is an abomination unto the LORD: but he loveth him that followeth after righteousness.
10Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die.
11Hell and destruction are before the LORD: how much more then the hearts of the children of men?
12A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise.
13A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.
14The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness.
15All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.
16Better is little with the fear of the LORD than great treasure and trouble therewith.
17Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.
18A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
19The way of the slothful man is as an hedge of thorns: but the way of the righteous is made plain.
20A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish man despiseth his mother.
21Folly is joy to him that is destitute of wisdom: but a man of understanding walketh uprightly.
22Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.
23A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!
24The way of life is above to the wise, that he may depart from hell beneath.
25The LORD will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow.
26The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the LORD: but the words of the pure are pleasant words.
27He that is greedy of gain troubleth his own house; but he that hateth gifts shall live.
28The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.
29The LORD is far from the wicked: but he heareth the prayer of the righteous.
30The light of the eyes rejoiceth the heart: and a good report maketh the bones fat.
31The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise.
32He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul: but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding.
33The fear of the LORD is the instruction of wisdom; and before honour is humility.
It's still a great reminder and good wisdom by which to live.
Sherry: Briefly, Love ya, too! I have no phone right now, I think I explained earlier, so I'll have to call you later. But thank you for your kind words on my capability, I really really really needed to hear that just then.
Oh, btw Shabana, I can't pull up your blog. Any reason?
peace to all
TwennyTwo
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Fine! Be like that!
peace,
I am, at heart, both stubborn and sensitive, loving and judgmental, strong and fragile. I've always been this way. I have great armor. Can't get through it all that easily. And that's good sometimes, because gee, I bleed so easily when I am hurt. I'm a warrior. I'm a woman.
Right now I GUESS (because I don't know) I'm fighting myself as much as someone else.
So many times during my childhood I was told that it wasn't necessarily What I Said, but How I Said it that counted. Because I'm pretty straightforward, I don't mince words. If I have something to say, I say it. And sometimes I'm misunderstood, because the passion behind my words is seen as malice. My moms always had to bust out the Proverbs 15 on me, especially those first 3 verses.
But anyway, I'm fighting a fight where the other wields silence, a lack of communication that turns me back on myself, and makes me hurt anyway. And I find myself calming myself down from irritation ten or fifteen times a day. I just want to get all up on them and say, "FINE! BE that way!" and mean it. I mean it. I don't CARE that you can't do what I want you to. I just need you to understand that I accept you as you are. Really.
But how can I do that if you won't even talk to me?!
I hate this.
audubillah.
I am, at heart, both stubborn and sensitive, loving and judgmental, strong and fragile. I've always been this way. I have great armor. Can't get through it all that easily. And that's good sometimes, because gee, I bleed so easily when I am hurt. I'm a warrior. I'm a woman.
Right now I GUESS (because I don't know) I'm fighting myself as much as someone else.
So many times during my childhood I was told that it wasn't necessarily What I Said, but How I Said it that counted. Because I'm pretty straightforward, I don't mince words. If I have something to say, I say it. And sometimes I'm misunderstood, because the passion behind my words is seen as malice. My moms always had to bust out the Proverbs 15 on me, especially those first 3 verses.
But anyway, I'm fighting a fight where the other wields silence, a lack of communication that turns me back on myself, and makes me hurt anyway. And I find myself calming myself down from irritation ten or fifteen times a day. I just want to get all up on them and say, "FINE! BE that way!" and mean it. I mean it. I don't CARE that you can't do what I want you to. I just need you to understand that I accept you as you are. Really.
But how can I do that if you won't even talk to me?!
I hate this.
audubillah.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Need cheese please
peace,
For all this whine, of course.
I don't want anyone to be worried, or anything. I'm here, I'm alive, physically well (and for those who are with me, I've lost 5 more lbs! Yay! Bad news: it's because I'm not eating much, I'm stressed out. But it's 5 lbs, which for me isn't all that much...).
The time between my last post and now has been some of the most emotionally and financially hard time I have ever. Ever. been through. I think only my first week in the house in Puerto Rico tops it. I went to see my Grandma and the rest of my families in the South a couple weeks ago. My father's family made me relax. Unfortunately I saw my mother's family last and left that house for Atlanta crying unconsolably. I hate that I feel like I can't talk to a lot of people in my family. My grandmother is not doing well and that's putting it diplomatically. I'd love to be able to help, but I've been told in so many words that that is NOT what is wanted. Gee, thanks. And I don't want to get into it in any more detail. The internet can be the village square when people know you. Anyone know of a good counselor here in the "urrea"?
The weeks since have been pretty bad as well, my roomates are fighting, alternately slamming things, screaming at each other, and talking isht about the situation. I came home one night to find a note on my front door letting the world know exactly what was going on in the house. That wasn't the intention of my roomie who left the note, just as the person who cursed and slammed out the door wasn't caring about the reaction of our other roomie, but it makes for nice amounts of tension. There was a point when I felt I had no peace, anywhere.
And my job? I've been so off-balance elsewhere that it's affecting my work. I had a director pull me into her office and read me the riot act with the door open, thus ensuring that the ENTIRE office heard every. word. Then, this week, after working hard to redeem myself, and "ensuring" that I'd get to a crucial course I was to teach early by leaving my house an hour and 15 minutes early, I STILL ARRIVED 20 MINUTES LATE thereby starting on a horrible note and later finding that the instructor whose class I was covering, the one who said everything I needed was in the box? Lied, everything wasn't in the box, and of course since I hadn't checked the box thouroughly enough, it was my fault.
Alllllll Myyyyyy FAUUUUULT.
I keep asking God what I am doing wrong, here. I know up in my head somewhere life isn't supposed to be easy but daggone!
And. Last night, I went to this public event with a bunch of friends. Two of those friends began to PICK ON MY CLOTHES (those who've been around enough KNOW my clothing situation) and I totally blew up at them. I maintain they deserved to know that mess wasn't acceptable, but I blew it out of proportion because one of them was the invatuation I was talking about earlier. Hmm.
So. That's Home, Work, Family, and Friends. God is going great here. Make du'a for me in everything.
Thanks, peace, and love
TwennyTwo
For all this whine, of course.
I don't want anyone to be worried, or anything. I'm here, I'm alive, physically well (and for those who are with me, I've lost 5 more lbs! Yay! Bad news: it's because I'm not eating much, I'm stressed out. But it's 5 lbs, which for me isn't all that much...).
The time between my last post and now has been some of the most emotionally and financially hard time I have ever. Ever. been through. I think only my first week in the house in Puerto Rico tops it. I went to see my Grandma and the rest of my families in the South a couple weeks ago. My father's family made me relax. Unfortunately I saw my mother's family last and left that house for Atlanta crying unconsolably. I hate that I feel like I can't talk to a lot of people in my family. My grandmother is not doing well and that's putting it diplomatically. I'd love to be able to help, but I've been told in so many words that that is NOT what is wanted. Gee, thanks. And I don't want to get into it in any more detail. The internet can be the village square when people know you. Anyone know of a good counselor here in the "urrea"?
The weeks since have been pretty bad as well, my roomates are fighting, alternately slamming things, screaming at each other, and talking isht about the situation. I came home one night to find a note on my front door letting the world know exactly what was going on in the house. That wasn't the intention of my roomie who left the note, just as the person who cursed and slammed out the door wasn't caring about the reaction of our other roomie, but it makes for nice amounts of tension. There was a point when I felt I had no peace, anywhere.
And my job? I've been so off-balance elsewhere that it's affecting my work. I had a director pull me into her office and read me the riot act with the door open, thus ensuring that the ENTIRE office heard every. word. Then, this week, after working hard to redeem myself, and "ensuring" that I'd get to a crucial course I was to teach early by leaving my house an hour and 15 minutes early, I STILL ARRIVED 20 MINUTES LATE thereby starting on a horrible note and later finding that the instructor whose class I was covering, the one who said everything I needed was in the box? Lied, everything wasn't in the box, and of course since I hadn't checked the box thouroughly enough, it was my fault.
Alllllll Myyyyyy FAUUUUULT.
I keep asking God what I am doing wrong, here. I know up in my head somewhere life isn't supposed to be easy but daggone!
And. Last night, I went to this public event with a bunch of friends. Two of those friends began to PICK ON MY CLOTHES (those who've been around enough KNOW my clothing situation) and I totally blew up at them. I maintain they deserved to know that mess wasn't acceptable, but I blew it out of proportion because one of them was the invatuation I was talking about earlier. Hmm.
So. That's Home, Work, Family, and Friends. God is going great here. Make du'a for me in everything.
Thanks, peace, and love
TwennyTwo
Friday, November 17, 2006
Never thought I'd be "that" woman
peace,
Little ambivalent right now.
I think I mentioned earlier a coworker who sits in front of me and keeps asking me out. And that it made me shudder.
Haven't been talking about that much here. I very much took Heather's warning on that subject- blogging about your job will and can get you fired, and that would be a scary little situation for me. I mentioned it to some other girls in the office, but never anyone who had direct ...jurisdiction? over this guy. Today I make an exception that insha'Allah won't have a high cost.
Today I traveled for work and got to see my old, awesome, boss. He knew something was up, something was bothering me, and finally just asked and waited for me to give up the answers. So I told him (in a room full of people, mind you- they just weren't paying attention to our particular conversation, alhamdullIllah).
He said I was being way too nice. That he'd have said something a long time ago. Then he named some people that he hoped I'd talk to.
I said, "I just didn't think it was that bad. I mean, he wasn't... violent. And I don't want to be responsible for him losing his job over this."
Bossguy looked at me and said, "Twenny, it is. It is violent. You shouldn't have to put up with that. You're being too humane for what the situation warrants. And I won't say anything, because I understand you're asking me for advice, you don't report to me anymore. But I think you should talk to (another boss). He should be... that's totally against the policy of (the place where we work)."
I nearly cried. Didn't, by the grace of the One. I felt so. relieved. That I wasn't over-reacting. That I really should have said something a while ago. To have it off of my mind. I felt guilty for not saying something earlier and guilty for being the object of this man's attentions. I made my clothes baggier, avoided talking to this man. And I'm muhejebah. Someone (this week- who was that? Please comment) mentioned that hijab is supposed to be the great protector. And I, in my way, went right along with the perception. I'm covered, I act modestly around this man, so this can't be harrassment. Audhubillah alHaqq al Aziz.
This has been bothering me. I've been coming in to work either really late or really early because of wanting to avoid this guy- but not on purpose. I've been beating myself up and wondering what was wrong with me- I'm NEVER like this, I'm just not. I didn't realize, myself, until I told. This has been a weight on me. Thank GOD the folk at my (small) office are so responsive, so supportive.
When I was younger, in high school, there was this commercial where this guy was being blatantly smarmy, and the woman goes, "That's sexual harassment, and I don't have to take it!" We used to burst into giggles at that commercial. It seemed so unrealistic. And it was- though I did end up, um, letting the man have what for (we used to say 'cussin' out' but I didn't cuss...again subhanAllah), I didn't report him as I should have. That's my fault.
I need to think about why I let that situation go on for so long.
Part of me now has a whole new level of appreciation for women who undergo any sort of discomfort at all just because someone else is giving them inappropriate attention.
I know and have said before that we women are socialized to "be nice". For the most part, I believed that I had escaped that snare, that I speak my mind and say what I want, and act according to a situation. My eyes have been opened and I'm more aware of just how hard it is to get away from being the "nice girl" for my own good. It took being pushed for me to seek help, but I finally did so. I've been promised (and I believe) that I won't have to deal with this situation again. So. The man will undoubtedly be disciplined and possibly fired. It's not my fault, but I spoke up. I will never stand to hear a whistleblower or woman criticized for their voices again.
I just never thought I'd be 'that' woman.
peace
TwennyTwo
Little ambivalent right now.
I think I mentioned earlier a coworker who sits in front of me and keeps asking me out. And that it made me shudder.
Haven't been talking about that much here. I very much took Heather's warning on that subject- blogging about your job will and can get you fired, and that would be a scary little situation for me. I mentioned it to some other girls in the office, but never anyone who had direct ...jurisdiction? over this guy. Today I make an exception that insha'Allah won't have a high cost.
Today I traveled for work and got to see my old, awesome, boss. He knew something was up, something was bothering me, and finally just asked and waited for me to give up the answers. So I told him (in a room full of people, mind you- they just weren't paying attention to our particular conversation, alhamdullIllah).
He said I was being way too nice. That he'd have said something a long time ago. Then he named some people that he hoped I'd talk to.
I said, "I just didn't think it was that bad. I mean, he wasn't... violent. And I don't want to be responsible for him losing his job over this."
Bossguy looked at me and said, "Twenny, it is. It is violent. You shouldn't have to put up with that. You're being too humane for what the situation warrants. And I won't say anything, because I understand you're asking me for advice, you don't report to me anymore. But I think you should talk to (another boss). He should be... that's totally against the policy of (the place where we work)."
I nearly cried. Didn't, by the grace of the One. I felt so. relieved. That I wasn't over-reacting. That I really should have said something a while ago. To have it off of my mind. I felt guilty for not saying something earlier and guilty for being the object of this man's attentions. I made my clothes baggier, avoided talking to this man. And I'm muhejebah. Someone (this week- who was that? Please comment) mentioned that hijab is supposed to be the great protector. And I, in my way, went right along with the perception. I'm covered, I act modestly around this man, so this can't be harrassment. Audhubillah alHaqq al Aziz.
This has been bothering me. I've been coming in to work either really late or really early because of wanting to avoid this guy- but not on purpose. I've been beating myself up and wondering what was wrong with me- I'm NEVER like this, I'm just not. I didn't realize, myself, until I told. This has been a weight on me. Thank GOD the folk at my (small) office are so responsive, so supportive.
When I was younger, in high school, there was this commercial where this guy was being blatantly smarmy, and the woman goes, "That's sexual harassment, and I don't have to take it!" We used to burst into giggles at that commercial. It seemed so unrealistic. And it was- though I did end up, um, letting the man have what for (we used to say 'cussin' out' but I didn't cuss...again subhanAllah), I didn't report him as I should have. That's my fault.
I need to think about why I let that situation go on for so long.
Part of me now has a whole new level of appreciation for women who undergo any sort of discomfort at all just because someone else is giving them inappropriate attention.
For anyone who reads this, woman OR man: It is ESSENTIAL to take action. Stand up. Speak out. Don't wait. Even about something as petty and retarded and guilt-generating as having someone repeatedly asking you out. If you deal with fallout, it's better than dealing with the effects internally. Let there be light shed on EVERY situation like this.
THAT GOES Seven TIMES FOR MY LADIES.
I know and have said before that we women are socialized to "be nice". For the most part, I believed that I had escaped that snare, that I speak my mind and say what I want, and act according to a situation. My eyes have been opened and I'm more aware of just how hard it is to get away from being the "nice girl" for my own good. It took being pushed for me to seek help, but I finally did so. I've been promised (and I believe) that I won't have to deal with this situation again. So. The man will undoubtedly be disciplined and possibly fired. It's not my fault, but I spoke up. I will never stand to hear a whistleblower or woman criticized for their voices again.
I just never thought I'd be 'that' woman.
peace
TwennyTwo
two-fiddy... wait,.... WHAT?!
peace,
247!!!!
Two flippin' forty seven pounds, y'all!!
WHOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This is GOOD NEWS!
Let me explain.
First of all, this isn't going to become a blog all about weight loss. No, it is all about me. Therefore there will be occasional focus on more dunyaishness like, um, getting my cute body back and the frustrations/motivations/machinations involved therein. Okay? Okay. Consider yourself warned.
I went to the girly doc the other day since I FINALLY HAVE INSURANCE (TAKBIR!!)and lo and behold, the FIRST thing the nurse did was ask me to get on the scale.
You know the heavier bars on the scale, underneath, that start the initial weight set in 50-lb increments? Go check out the scale at your gym. Yeah, those.
WELL, for the last, oh, 5 years or so, when I get on that scale, I have had to push the bar UP to 250, and start from there.
When I started going to the gym during Ramadhan, my weight was higher than 270.
Que. VerGUENza! (how embarrassing!)
So, back to girly doc's office. I was chit chatting nervously away, and so I stepped on the scale mid sentence, "Yeah, this isn't gonna be fun, and you'll need to push tha-- subHANallah!!"
She left the bar on 200 and pushed it all the way to the end AND THE SCALE FELL DOWN!
Yes, people, I WAS OFFICALLY UNDER 250 pounds! Two forty seven, even!
Two flippin forty seven! This is a miracle! This is awesome! In such a short time- a month... I nearly cried right there.
Now, I know that someone is out there going, Omylord she weighs how much? They are the ones that don't matter.
What matters is, it's goin' DOWN, baybay! It's goin DOOOOOWWWWWNNN!
I figured if I lose 2 lbs a week, which is reasonable and healthy, esp. allowing for thanksgiving meals and cookie-age in the next couple of weeks, then... by my next birthday (27 weeks- I know, that fast!) I'll be down to what the docs say is my "Ideal" weight. I remember a doc back in PR telling me I needed to lose 90 pounds, and I was QUITE indignant. Now it seems possible,... and right,... and I'm going to do it InshaAllah. InshaAllah.
My problem hasn't ever really been not being active, so much as it has been not eating properly. My insurance offers these extra-curricular programs that help you focus on what you want to do. I need to not be eating because food is there. In addition to the steps I took in my last post, I'm also keeping a regular journal. Not tracking every bit of food that enters my mouth, but about how I eat (time, feelings, etc) and why. I think that's going to be the key here. That and a lot of prayer, Ramadan style, concentrated. Once I started focusing on Something other than myself, the weight slipped off without my knowing it. SubhanAllah.
So, after the nurse made my week and the doc depressed me (not going there, thanks) I decided to keep going. I did 60 mins of cardio yesterday at the gym, plus a nautilus program set up for me for free (I know! Now all I have to do is follow directions. I'm a directions kinda girl) and will be doing 30 more per day. I'll ride the crest of that feeling- 247?!- as far as it takes me... and man, what if I lose more? The goal for next weighing is 243. InshaAllah.
Hang onto your khimars, ladies. Here we go...
peace
TwennyTwo
247!!!!
Two flippin' forty seven pounds, y'all!!
WHOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This is GOOD NEWS!
Let me explain.
First of all, this isn't going to become a blog all about weight loss. No, it is all about me. Therefore there will be occasional focus on more dunyaishness like, um, getting my cute body back and the frustrations/motivations/machinations involved therein. Okay? Okay. Consider yourself warned.
I went to the girly doc the other day since I FINALLY HAVE INSURANCE (TAKBIR!!)and lo and behold, the FIRST thing the nurse did was ask me to get on the scale.
You know the heavier bars on the scale, underneath, that start the initial weight set in 50-lb increments? Go check out the scale at your gym. Yeah, those.
WELL, for the last, oh, 5 years or so, when I get on that scale, I have had to push the bar UP to 250, and start from there.
When I started going to the gym during Ramadhan, my weight was higher than 270.
Que. VerGUENza! (how embarrassing!)
So, back to girly doc's office. I was chit chatting nervously away, and so I stepped on the scale mid sentence, "Yeah, this isn't gonna be fun, and you'll need to push tha-- subHANallah!!"
She left the bar on 200 and pushed it all the way to the end AND THE SCALE FELL DOWN!
Yes, people, I WAS OFFICALLY UNDER 250 pounds! Two forty seven, even!
Two flippin forty seven! This is a miracle! This is awesome! In such a short time- a month... I nearly cried right there.
Now, I know that someone is out there going, Omylord she weighs how much? They are the ones that don't matter.
What matters is, it's goin' DOWN, baybay! It's goin DOOOOOWWWWWNNN!
I figured if I lose 2 lbs a week, which is reasonable and healthy, esp. allowing for thanksgiving meals and cookie-age in the next couple of weeks, then... by my next birthday (27 weeks- I know, that fast!) I'll be down to what the docs say is my "Ideal" weight. I remember a doc back in PR telling me I needed to lose 90 pounds, and I was QUITE indignant. Now it seems possible,... and right,... and I'm going to do it InshaAllah. InshaAllah.
My problem hasn't ever really been not being active, so much as it has been not eating properly. My insurance offers these extra-curricular programs that help you focus on what you want to do. I need to not be eating because food is there. In addition to the steps I took in my last post, I'm also keeping a regular journal. Not tracking every bit of food that enters my mouth, but about how I eat (time, feelings, etc) and why. I think that's going to be the key here. That and a lot of prayer, Ramadan style, concentrated. Once I started focusing on Something other than myself, the weight slipped off without my knowing it. SubhanAllah.
So, after the nurse made my week and the doc depressed me (not going there, thanks) I decided to keep going. I did 60 mins of cardio yesterday at the gym, plus a nautilus program set up for me for free (I know! Now all I have to do is follow directions. I'm a directions kinda girl) and will be doing 30 more per day. I'll ride the crest of that feeling- 247?!- as far as it takes me... and man, what if I lose more? The goal for next weighing is 243. InshaAllah.
Hang onto your khimars, ladies. Here we go...
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, November 13, 2006
fat / back
peace,
I am fat.
I hate being fat.
I was losing the fat.
I felt good (as early as this morning, y'all).
Then, I let it slide- and a friend of mine who refuses to believe how much I hate pictures of myself and so and KEEPS TAKING THEM did her worst and EMAILED them to me.
I wanted to lose all sense of God, y'all. I reeeeeeallllly did. I wanted to not compliment her on the nice pictures she did take in favor of lambasting her with, "Do you hate me? You MUST HATE ME with a fury you reserve for your worst enemies, because look! you have sent me Photographs! of Myself! Full-Length! And FAT! YOU ARE SHOWING THAT YOU HATE ME!! YOU PASSIVE AGRESSIVE WOMAN,YOU! Do you want me to start crying and moping again? Don't you know I HATE PICTURES OF MYSELF and plus LOOK I'M GETTING FAT AGAIN? AHHHHHGGGHGHGHGHGGHGHHHHH!!!???!!!"
I have done none of that last. You should be proud.
I let Someone turn that emotion into something more positive.
I know that the only way to get the body I had when I was 18 and on the crew team is to act as if I were 18 and on the crew team again, PLUS eat the calories of a 25-year old woman (which I am) during Ramadan (which is isn't, anymore). That's the ONLY WAY the extra XX lbs I'm carrying will come off.
The hardest part of all of that is controlling what I eat. This is why Ramadan is great for me. My lack of willpower becomes something I strengthen for the sake of God. I just need to extend that into the rest of the year. I can't be eating like this anymore.
But that's not all.
My problem isn't so much (it is but not so much) that I eat too much, it's that I sit at a desk all day and my body Lurrrves the pounds I can put on then. I'm a little fat storing machine. None of the fat goes where I want it, either.
so:
Resolved:
*From now on I will go to the gym at least once a day. Everyday that it's open and not an Islamic holiday. EVERY DAY, for at least half an hour. An hour is optimal, but if there's any way to fit in even 20 minutes I MUST go.
*I will say a prayer over every. single. thing that goes in my mouth. Everything. This will make sure that I "realize" that I'm eating it, and stop me if I'm eating it unnecessarily.
*I will stop eating when I'm no longer hungry, and literally put the food out of my reach. If I want leftovers for lunch, I'll fix them at the same time I fix my supper plate. No more eating because it's accessible.
I'm sick and tired of being fat and I'm not taking it anymore.
peace
TwennyTwo
I am fat.
I hate being fat.
I was losing the fat.
I felt good (as early as this morning, y'all).
Then, I let it slide- and a friend of mine who refuses to believe how much I hate pictures of myself and so and KEEPS TAKING THEM did her worst and EMAILED them to me.
I wanted to lose all sense of God, y'all. I reeeeeeallllly did. I wanted to not compliment her on the nice pictures she did take in favor of lambasting her with, "Do you hate me? You MUST HATE ME with a fury you reserve for your worst enemies, because look! you have sent me Photographs! of Myself! Full-Length! And FAT! YOU ARE SHOWING THAT YOU HATE ME!! YOU PASSIVE AGRESSIVE WOMAN,YOU! Do you want me to start crying and moping again? Don't you know I HATE PICTURES OF MYSELF and plus LOOK I'M GETTING FAT AGAIN? AHHHHHGGGHGHGHGHGGHGHHHHH!!!???!!!"
I have done none of that last. You should be proud.
I let Someone turn that emotion into something more positive.
I know that the only way to get the body I had when I was 18 and on the crew team is to act as if I were 18 and on the crew team again, PLUS eat the calories of a 25-year old woman (which I am) during Ramadan (which is isn't, anymore). That's the ONLY WAY the extra XX lbs I'm carrying will come off.
The hardest part of all of that is controlling what I eat. This is why Ramadan is great for me. My lack of willpower becomes something I strengthen for the sake of God. I just need to extend that into the rest of the year. I can't be eating like this anymore.
But that's not all.
My problem isn't so much (it is but not so much) that I eat too much, it's that I sit at a desk all day and my body Lurrrves the pounds I can put on then. I'm a little fat storing machine. None of the fat goes where I want it, either.
so:
Resolved:
*From now on I will go to the gym at least once a day. Everyday that it's open and not an Islamic holiday. EVERY DAY, for at least half an hour. An hour is optimal, but if there's any way to fit in even 20 minutes I MUST go.
*I will say a prayer over every. single. thing that goes in my mouth. Everything. This will make sure that I "realize" that I'm eating it, and stop me if I'm eating it unnecessarily.
*I will stop eating when I'm no longer hungry, and literally put the food out of my reach. If I want leftovers for lunch, I'll fix them at the same time I fix my supper plate. No more eating because it's accessible.
I'm sick and tired of being fat and I'm not taking it anymore.
peace
TwennyTwo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)