Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Back...
assalamu alaikum,
MashaAllah, I'm happy to see you, too! It's been a while, hasn't it?
Today in class we're talking about the CN*L role. CNL means Clin!cal Nur$e Le@der; the program for which I'm studying grants a Master of Science in Nursing degree at the end (please, Lord!), but we also have the option which is pretty strongly pushed to go for the CNL certification.
I was thinking this morning that I really (really) regret not blogging though the beginning of my nursing school career. This is why. I'd love to be able to look back and see how my thinking has changed.
I decided ultimately not to blog, though; partly because I didnt have time, and partly because I didn't want this to become a recording of teh negatives I'm feeling. I really need to be able to look back and remember my 'alhamdulillah' moments.
Next entry: CNM? CNL? MSN? OMG! GMOOH!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Oh man
assalamu alaikum
I have a meeting at 10 for the first time in a month and a half.
I have a curriculum to write and a 40 minute commute in that time.
Hold me.
Good news is, it's the last time I'll be looking at curriculum for that grade, iA. Then I'm off to the big bad world of the older students. And, hey, at least I have a job. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.
... make dua'a for me, please.
peace
TwennyTwo
I have a meeting at 10 for the first time in a month and a half.
I have a curriculum to write and a 40 minute commute in that time.
Hold me.
Good news is, it's the last time I'll be looking at curriculum for that grade, iA. Then I'm off to the big bad world of the older students. And, hey, at least I have a job. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.
... make dua'a for me, please.
peace
TwennyTwo
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
'I want to play by my ownself'
Assalamu Alaikum,
Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Subahallah wa bihamdihi, I enjoy and appreciate my job.
But the last couple weeks got a little hairy, let me tell you. And although the children can be (rarely) trying, no, it is most always an adult who is really working my nerves. I'm looking at you, morning-assistant-who-needs-instruction-as-much-as-any-student.
So, today was bliss. I got to work all by my lonesome.
If you're looking from the outside, it doesn't look like I did much. But for me it was INTEGRAL. My boss and several others have been making comments behind my back about my Achilles' heel: organization. Nevermind that they're pretty happy about how their children are treated and how they learn; nor that they won't bring themselves to say what they say behind my back to my face.
I'm far from the most organized person in the school.
I'm not denying that; I'm working on it. What's annoying is that a) I INHERITED a mess from the several teachers who worked before I did, since the last teacher was tossed out/ left precipitously (depending on who's telling the story) less than a month before I was hired. And she wasn't allowed back into the school to get her things. But that's not my story to tell. The annoying part about that is that I came into a mess and I'm good at tolerating mess and bad at organizing.
b) I TOLD my boss before he hired me that organization was my Achilles' heel. Famous last words.
So instead of listening to whining about the state of my room, today I got to spend time by myself, in my room, going through the files in the room, finding out what exactly is in there, throwing out old stuff. It felt good, to just DO what I needed to do without hearing the peanut gallery, you know? It reminded me of one of my favorite students, who loved to explain to me, "I just want to play by my ownself, Miss Two." Very matter of fact.
So that was good.
But then. Ah, then.
After chilling at the house of my wali, (good news), then praying maghrib-sunnah salah at the masjid (even better news there, which will also wait), I came home to the house, glad to see my parents after they took a trip south to see my aunts and grandfather.
Annnnnnd here is where I ask for dua'a, because JW is relapsing. He's losing it again. I won't go into details, but 2 minutes after I entered the house and my parents clued me in to what was going on, the phone rang...
...and it was the police.
Long story short, alhamdulillah JW is okay and not in custody or anything like that, but only because my parents kept him out. He's refusing to take his medicine. And I... I'm not despairing... but... to have the realization over and over again that this incredibly smart, bright, capable man, my little brother, is not right... hurts. It's bewhildering. Something you never in your wildest imagination think is possible, happens, and, yeah, it throws me for a loop.
... inshaAllah he'll be okay. He's talking about taking a gamble, moving to a city on the other side of the country, maxing out his credit cards, and just living there.
What do you say to that? It'd be fine, except that he isn't right in the head. This is not normal twenny-something stuff, this is insanity. I do not want JW to end up anything but happy, clean, healthy...
I dunno.
I need to go play by my ownself. I've already asked so many people to pray, to sincerely put this before Allah swt, and that was before tonight. I'm doing it still, because, wow. I thought work was pushing me... this is so much bigger. Only God knows what will happen, and only God can fix things ultimately.
I'm off to bed.
masalaama
Twenny
Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Subahallah wa bihamdihi, I enjoy and appreciate my job.
But the last couple weeks got a little hairy, let me tell you. And although the children can be (rarely) trying, no, it is most always an adult who is really working my nerves. I'm looking at you, morning-assistant-who-needs-instruction-as-much-as-any-student.
So, today was bliss. I got to work all by my lonesome.
If you're looking from the outside, it doesn't look like I did much. But for me it was INTEGRAL. My boss and several others have been making comments behind my back about my Achilles' heel: organization. Nevermind that they're pretty happy about how their children are treated and how they learn; nor that they won't bring themselves to say what they say behind my back to my face.
I'm far from the most organized person in the school.
I'm not denying that; I'm working on it. What's annoying is that a) I INHERITED a mess from the several teachers who worked before I did, since the last teacher was tossed out/ left precipitously (depending on who's telling the story) less than a month before I was hired. And she wasn't allowed back into the school to get her things. But that's not my story to tell. The annoying part about that is that I came into a mess and I'm good at tolerating mess and bad at organizing.
b) I TOLD my boss before he hired me that organization was my Achilles' heel. Famous last words.
So instead of listening to whining about the state of my room, today I got to spend time by myself, in my room, going through the files in the room, finding out what exactly is in there, throwing out old stuff. It felt good, to just DO what I needed to do without hearing the peanut gallery, you know? It reminded me of one of my favorite students, who loved to explain to me, "I just want to play by my ownself, Miss Two." Very matter of fact.
So that was good.
But then. Ah, then.
After chilling at the house of my wali, (good news), then praying maghrib-sunnah salah at the masjid (even better news there, which will also wait), I came home to the house, glad to see my parents after they took a trip south to see my aunts and grandfather.
Annnnnnd here is where I ask for dua'a, because JW is relapsing. He's losing it again. I won't go into details, but 2 minutes after I entered the house and my parents clued me in to what was going on, the phone rang...
...and it was the police.
Long story short, alhamdulillah JW is okay and not in custody or anything like that, but only because my parents kept him out. He's refusing to take his medicine. And I... I'm not despairing... but... to have the realization over and over again that this incredibly smart, bright, capable man, my little brother, is not right... hurts. It's bewhildering. Something you never in your wildest imagination think is possible, happens, and, yeah, it throws me for a loop.
... inshaAllah he'll be okay. He's talking about taking a gamble, moving to a city on the other side of the country, maxing out his credit cards, and just living there.
What do you say to that? It'd be fine, except that he isn't right in the head. This is not normal twenny-something stuff, this is insanity. I do not want JW to end up anything but happy, clean, healthy...
I dunno.
I need to go play by my ownself. I've already asked so many people to pray, to sincerely put this before Allah swt, and that was before tonight. I'm doing it still, because, wow. I thought work was pushing me... this is so much bigger. Only God knows what will happen, and only God can fix things ultimately.
I'm off to bed.
masalaama
Twenny
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Un poco perdida
Assalamu Alaikum,
I dunno, my soul feels hispanoparlante, so forgive me if you don't read Spanish.
Me encuentro un poco perdida. No, y más que un poco.
Pero, ¿porqué?
Primero, es que siento traicionada. No solamente por el hecho del casamiento del niño, sino porque, otra vez me encuentro aquí, al medio año, sin casarme y sin prospetos en el área de casamiento. Por más que trato de negarlo, de ignorarlo, eso duele, mano. Duele mucho.
Faltan 30 días para mi vigesimo-octavo cumpleaños.
Tambien me siento apresionada de una manera súbtil, lo que me trae hasta la locura. Cuando yo llegue a mi lugar de empleo, lo dije al jefe bien claro: no soy una mujer sumamente organizada. Limpia, sí; organizada, no. Pero por entonces se le ha occurido no menos que dos veces a la mes condenarme por no ser organizada.
Hasta que, ahora no es que no soy organizada sino que me encuentro evitando, escaseando organizar. Primero porque, no sé cómo hacerlo. Y segundo, una llega a resentir mucho los característicos mas comentados, siento que me han dado hasta que sangra sin decir nada y estoy llegando al grito.
Además, me encantan los lugares organizados. No hay nadie que dé cursos de organizacion en universidad, pero eso es exactamente lo que preciso.
En otros lados, estaba hablando con una amiga el otro dia, y mencionó que un matrimonio que ella conozca estan pasando por problemas. Hasta me hizo hacer duaá por ellos, porque yo si intimamente entiendo lo que estan pasando: la mujer pasará muchas problemas en parir, y por entonces el hombre quiere casarse con otra mujer (son musulmanes y no permanezcan aquí en los EEUU). A ella le dará mucho si él tuviera otra matrimonio a la véz, y tampoco quiere divorciarse; él no quiere pasarse de su derecho de tener hijos y no quiere perjudicarle el salud a su primera mujer.
Ayyyyy que caso. Fíjate.
Aprecio mucho que por lo menos mi amiga no mencionó los especificos de la situación, ya que entiendo lo doloroso pueda ser si salga quiénes son.
Lo veo de ambos lados. Me habían dicho alguna vez que no podrìa tener hijos. Imaginate, ser mujer negra, alta, Y¿ esteríl? ¡ NUNCA me casaría! Especialmente en ésta comunidad de musulmanes, tan enfocados en procreación. Estaba muy nerviosa hasta que resolvieron lo que me pasaba. Y, a mi me encantan los niños; siempre he dicho que me gustaría tener a lo menos cinco. (jajaja, y todas mis amigas hasta hoy me dicen... espere hasta que tienes el primero, aver...)
Por eso es que, aunque no soy muy celosa, he caminado en los pasos de la mujer en ese matrimonio, y hice duà que Alá subjanaju wa taàla le resolviera lo que paso entre ella y su esposo.
Tambien lo veo por el ról del esposo. Imagina que te enamoras con un hombre, y tenías posibilidad de casarse con otro a la vez, es decir, tener matrimonio polígamo. Como te casaste "por amor", y amas al primer hombre, no lo quieres dejar. Pero a la vez, quieres cinco hijos- o por lo menos, dos, si Dios quiere- y el amor de tu vida, tu primer hombre, esta planteado a frente del vìa. ¿Què harías? Aunque le dolía mucho a mi esposo, no puedo decir que decidiera a favor de no casarme con hombre que me diera hijo. Y como quiera nadie va salir ileso de la situacion. Tengo que orar por ambos.
¿Qué mas? Aún estoy de recuperación del choque del otro día. De verdad salió que el seguro de la mujer habìa vencido hace tiempo, lo que llevó la compañia a negarlo, y por entonces mis rates van a subir, thanks! Lo que me preocupa es que cuando me cotejaron el nivel de glucosa en mi sangre estaba sumamente alta, indicación nueva que el diabetes genetica de mi familia me caza de nuevo. Cosa es, que cada vez que paso por el examen de ayuno, mis nùmeros y niveles salen bajitos. No lo entiendo, pues hay mas duaá que hacer. Cosa buena que salio del dia pésimo que era mi mièrcoles: actuè como intèrprete por un hombre que estaba alla con su gerente (ambos trabajadores en una compañia de comida muy popular), y no solamente me dieron certificado para comida gratis, pero el doctor y la gerente de su oficina estaban tan impresionados, que me pidieron una tarjeta de informacion, ¡ para llamarme si es que me necesitan de nuevo! ¡Aljamdulilá!
Ahora, tengo que encontrar impresora.... pero finalmente, ¿no es un problema deseable?
peace
TwennyTwo
I dunno, my soul feels hispanoparlante, so forgive me if you don't read Spanish.
Me encuentro un poco perdida. No, y más que un poco.
Pero, ¿porqué?
Primero, es que siento traicionada. No solamente por el hecho del casamiento del niño, sino porque, otra vez me encuentro aquí, al medio año, sin casarme y sin prospetos en el área de casamiento. Por más que trato de negarlo, de ignorarlo, eso duele, mano. Duele mucho.
Faltan 30 días para mi vigesimo-octavo cumpleaños.
Tambien me siento apresionada de una manera súbtil, lo que me trae hasta la locura. Cuando yo llegue a mi lugar de empleo, lo dije al jefe bien claro: no soy una mujer sumamente organizada. Limpia, sí; organizada, no. Pero por entonces se le ha occurido no menos que dos veces a la mes condenarme por no ser organizada.
Hasta que, ahora no es que no soy organizada sino que me encuentro evitando, escaseando organizar. Primero porque, no sé cómo hacerlo. Y segundo, una llega a resentir mucho los característicos mas comentados, siento que me han dado hasta que sangra sin decir nada y estoy llegando al grito.
Además, me encantan los lugares organizados. No hay nadie que dé cursos de organizacion en universidad, pero eso es exactamente lo que preciso.
En otros lados, estaba hablando con una amiga el otro dia, y mencionó que un matrimonio que ella conozca estan pasando por problemas. Hasta me hizo hacer duaá por ellos, porque yo si intimamente entiendo lo que estan pasando: la mujer pasará muchas problemas en parir, y por entonces el hombre quiere casarse con otra mujer (son musulmanes y no permanezcan aquí en los EEUU). A ella le dará mucho si él tuviera otra matrimonio a la véz, y tampoco quiere divorciarse; él no quiere pasarse de su derecho de tener hijos y no quiere perjudicarle el salud a su primera mujer.
Ayyyyy que caso. Fíjate.
Aprecio mucho que por lo menos mi amiga no mencionó los especificos de la situación, ya que entiendo lo doloroso pueda ser si salga quiénes son.
Lo veo de ambos lados. Me habían dicho alguna vez que no podrìa tener hijos. Imaginate, ser mujer negra, alta, Y¿ esteríl? ¡ NUNCA me casaría! Especialmente en ésta comunidad de musulmanes, tan enfocados en procreación. Estaba muy nerviosa hasta que resolvieron lo que me pasaba. Y, a mi me encantan los niños; siempre he dicho que me gustaría tener a lo menos cinco. (jajaja, y todas mis amigas hasta hoy me dicen... espere hasta que tienes el primero, aver...)
Por eso es que, aunque no soy muy celosa, he caminado en los pasos de la mujer en ese matrimonio, y hice duà que Alá subjanaju wa taàla le resolviera lo que paso entre ella y su esposo.
Tambien lo veo por el ról del esposo. Imagina que te enamoras con un hombre, y tenías posibilidad de casarse con otro a la vez, es decir, tener matrimonio polígamo. Como te casaste "por amor", y amas al primer hombre, no lo quieres dejar. Pero a la vez, quieres cinco hijos- o por lo menos, dos, si Dios quiere- y el amor de tu vida, tu primer hombre, esta planteado a frente del vìa. ¿Què harías? Aunque le dolía mucho a mi esposo, no puedo decir que decidiera a favor de no casarme con hombre que me diera hijo. Y como quiera nadie va salir ileso de la situacion. Tengo que orar por ambos.
¿Qué mas? Aún estoy de recuperación del choque del otro día. De verdad salió que el seguro de la mujer habìa vencido hace tiempo, lo que llevó la compañia a negarlo, y por entonces mis rates van a subir, thanks! Lo que me preocupa es que cuando me cotejaron el nivel de glucosa en mi sangre estaba sumamente alta, indicación nueva que el diabetes genetica de mi familia me caza de nuevo. Cosa es, que cada vez que paso por el examen de ayuno, mis nùmeros y niveles salen bajitos. No lo entiendo, pues hay mas duaá que hacer. Cosa buena que salio del dia pésimo que era mi mièrcoles: actuè como intèrprete por un hombre que estaba alla con su gerente (ambos trabajadores en una compañia de comida muy popular), y no solamente me dieron certificado para comida gratis, pero el doctor y la gerente de su oficina estaban tan impresionados, que me pidieron una tarjeta de informacion, ¡ para llamarme si es que me necesitan de nuevo! ¡Aljamdulilá!
Ahora, tengo que encontrar impresora.... pero finalmente, ¿no es un problema deseable?
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, June 01, 2008
It's da firstadda muuunth...
assalamu alaikum,
Yesterday was a great day. The end to a hectic week, really. We went to an amusement park. I hadn't been in like 10 years. I was happy in the car after I dropped off one our MYNA girls. The sun shone. Before that, a couple days ago, I spoke for a couple hours to some very good friends who happen to be parents of students about what's been going on at the school. I've been working so hard that just good reflective adult conversation is such a sweet thing. I don't get it anywhere else. Maybe halqa, but we haven't had that in a couple weeks. Sinan said he'd talk to some friends of Farhan's, but- well, developments and my own changing feelings mean I'm not all that invested in that whole situation. Then he and Baji let me sleep in their awesome guest room. That rocked. The week was long, field day and graduations done, and yesterday evening, I was happy.
This morning, on the way to halaqa, my mood kinda tanked. I'm worried about JW again. His... personal hygiene has slipped recently. At least he's maintained his progress on the deen front- he is not an atheist. I worry that he's slipping. Maybe it's nothing. That's in the back of my head. I make dua'a every time I think about it.
It's the first day of the rest of my life. Today at halqa we were talking about various sahaba, may Allah be pleased with them. One was AbuDarda'. We read the story of how, when Umar went to inspect his province in Damascus, he discovered that AbuDarda''s pillow was only a saddle, and his covering a sheet barely good enough to keep off the chill, that they remembered the hadith of the Prophet (s) about letting your provisions be as much as those of a rider. That was so much food for thought for me. I've made intention to get things together in my house, but. We talked about Abu Bakr, and how he was so worried about the three or four things he left when he died, because the things we leave we will have to account for. I'm getting rid of the junk in my house. I've got to. It's cluttering my mind.
We have so much. Even when people in my life are literally going crazy. I have so much, alhamdulillah.
Happy June.
peace
TwennyTwo
Yesterday was a great day. The end to a hectic week, really. We went to an amusement park. I hadn't been in like 10 years. I was happy in the car after I dropped off one our MYNA girls. The sun shone. Before that, a couple days ago, I spoke for a couple hours to some very good friends who happen to be parents of students about what's been going on at the school. I've been working so hard that just good reflective adult conversation is such a sweet thing. I don't get it anywhere else. Maybe halqa, but we haven't had that in a couple weeks. Sinan said he'd talk to some friends of Farhan's, but- well, developments and my own changing feelings mean I'm not all that invested in that whole situation. Then he and Baji let me sleep in their awesome guest room. That rocked. The week was long, field day and graduations done, and yesterday evening, I was happy.
This morning, on the way to halaqa, my mood kinda tanked. I'm worried about JW again. His... personal hygiene has slipped recently. At least he's maintained his progress on the deen front- he is not an atheist. I worry that he's slipping. Maybe it's nothing. That's in the back of my head. I make dua'a every time I think about it.
It's the first day of the rest of my life. Today at halqa we were talking about various sahaba, may Allah be pleased with them. One was AbuDarda'. We read the story of how, when Umar went to inspect his province in Damascus, he discovered that AbuDarda''s pillow was only a saddle, and his covering a sheet barely good enough to keep off the chill, that they remembered the hadith of the Prophet (s) about letting your provisions be as much as those of a rider. That was so much food for thought for me. I've made intention to get things together in my house, but. We talked about Abu Bakr, and how he was so worried about the three or four things he left when he died, because the things we leave we will have to account for. I'm getting rid of the junk in my house. I've got to. It's cluttering my mind.
We have so much. Even when people in my life are literally going crazy. I have so much, alhamdulillah.
Happy June.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Belong... y, dudas.
assalamu alaikum,
I used to could hate me some Yahaira. I mean really couldn't stand her. She personified everything about GIRLS in general I don't like.
But that doesn't mean she isn't right.
It has been a day. My 'kids' (I am childless, thank you very much) had their 'graduation' program today. Meaning a little more than half of the morning class was promoted. To kindergarten. And the parents were so complimentary (Alhamdulillah, everything went well and no one tripped and fell off the stage). And my room mothers made sure the food went without a hitch.
You know what my problem really is? Exclusion.
I like to be included in things that catch my interest. It's fun to be a part of a group that promotes my favorite team, for instance. I'm no different from anyone else in that, I hope.
And so it surprises me that I still get heartily, heavily, truthfully and genuinely angry when I am excluded from things. I get furiously upset when I see other groups of people deliberately excluding others. This is the aspect of cliques and such that I was thinking about when I deliberately wrote the title, "I. hate. GIRLS.".
It makes me sad that I even got so angry that I wrote that. I love girls. I see myself in them. I am one. Alhamdulillah. As much as I miss my lifeline circle of guys I do adore being a girl in so many little ways. And men can be clique-ish, too. Lord knows I have seen it.
But this has been characterized as such a feminine trait, and I see it so MUCH in the little (tiny!) girls I work with, that I'm just beyond the anger to wondering. What is this really about?
Why do girls learn to be so darn clique-ish at such an early age? It's annoying. It's infuriating. And it becomes ingrained.
I wish I could exclude myself from that statement. But I've done it to others. In reaction, or hurt, or, may Allah forgive me if it's true, perhaps out of sheer ability to do so, to push the other away.
************************************************************
People get really really angry, sometimes, if you project what you're thinking or your motivations or your skills onto them. It's not the best habit to have.
I wish I could see evidence of people thinking of the opposite, though.
If I don't project some of my very human feelings, motives, and abilities on the people I meet, then I become pretty inconsiderate, incurious, condescending. That's a sociopath in the making, when you take it to the extreme level.
*************************************************************
JW has not said shahadah. I don't know what to do for him. He clings to his dunyawi ways, wants to go to Vegas for his milestone birthday coming up, wants to earn a living on some definitely haraam means. The hope in my heart was so sweet and I'm just sad. Would you exchange akhira for the ability to play poker for cash? Belief can't be forced.
**************************************************************
I was born Black and Female in the United States. Try as I may, I think my culturalization will follow me forever. When I stop and think about it, it's the little insinuations made over my lifetime, the whispers from shaitan and my background in the back of my mind- and then I'm mad about it.
Farhan is Palestinian and fair. Farhan is tall. Farhan is "hot" (my assistant's words, not mine. I was hoping he wasn't as handsome as I thought, but I'm getting to that.) This is pretty inconsequential as far as I'm concerned. That's how he is, right?
The whispers start in my mind. Why is he checking me out? Why me? Is he one of
those?, the ones who chase black girls for no good reason? Does he see my spirit, how much I rejoice in Islam, that I love kids, that I'm a bookworm, that I'm actually a little bit shy? Why me?
Then they continue. Nothing remarkable over here. He should be looking at Wilma, or Sima, they're Palestinian and beautiful. Otherwise, why would everyone tell me they're looking for an African American (never Black) brother for me?
"Don't take it personal. No matter what people say to you, don't take it personal. I't's not about you. It's about them." -Yahaira Liriano
I used to could hate me some Yahaira. I mean really couldn't stand her. She personified everything about GIRLS in general I don't like.
But that doesn't mean she isn't right.
It has been a day. My 'kids' (I am childless, thank you very much) had their 'graduation' program today. Meaning a little more than half of the morning class was promoted. To kindergarten. And the parents were so complimentary (Alhamdulillah, everything went well and no one tripped and fell off the stage). And my room mothers made sure the food went without a hitch.
You know what my problem really is? Exclusion.
I like to be included in things that catch my interest. It's fun to be a part of a group that promotes my favorite team, for instance. I'm no different from anyone else in that, I hope.
And so it surprises me that I still get heartily, heavily, truthfully and genuinely angry when I am excluded from things. I get furiously upset when I see other groups of people deliberately excluding others. This is the aspect of cliques and such that I was thinking about when I deliberately wrote the title, "I. hate. GIRLS.".
It makes me sad that I even got so angry that I wrote that. I love girls. I see myself in them. I am one. Alhamdulillah. As much as I miss my lifeline circle of guys I do adore being a girl in so many little ways. And men can be clique-ish, too. Lord knows I have seen it.
But this has been characterized as such a feminine trait, and I see it so MUCH in the little (tiny!) girls I work with, that I'm just beyond the anger to wondering. What is this really about?
Belonging.
Why do girls learn to be so darn clique-ish at such an early age? It's annoying. It's infuriating. And it becomes ingrained.
I wish I could exclude myself from that statement. But I've done it to others. In reaction, or hurt, or, may Allah forgive me if it's true, perhaps out of sheer ability to do so, to push the other away.
************************************************************
People get really really angry, sometimes, if you project what you're thinking or your motivations or your skills onto them. It's not the best habit to have.
I wish I could see evidence of people thinking of the opposite, though.
If I don't project some of my very human feelings, motives, and abilities on the people I meet, then I become pretty inconsiderate, incurious, condescending. That's a sociopath in the making, when you take it to the extreme level.
*************************************************************
JW has not said shahadah. I don't know what to do for him. He clings to his dunyawi ways, wants to go to Vegas for his milestone birthday coming up, wants to earn a living on some definitely haraam means. The hope in my heart was so sweet and I'm just sad. Would you exchange akhira for the ability to play poker for cash? Belief can't be forced.
**************************************************************
I was born Black and Female in the United States. Try as I may, I think my culturalization will follow me forever. When I stop and think about it, it's the little insinuations made over my lifetime, the whispers from shaitan and my background in the back of my mind- and then I'm mad about it.
Farhan is Palestinian and fair. Farhan is tall. Farhan is "hot" (my assistant's words, not mine. I was hoping he wasn't as handsome as I thought, but I'm getting to that.) This is pretty inconsequential as far as I'm concerned. That's how he is, right?
The whispers start in my mind. Why is he checking me out? Why me? Is he one of
those?, the ones who chase black girls for no good reason? Does he see my spirit, how much I rejoice in Islam, that I love kids, that I'm a bookworm, that I'm actually a little bit shy? Why me?
Then they continue. Nothing remarkable over here. He should be looking at Wilma, or Sima, they're Palestinian and beautiful. Otherwise, why would everyone tell me they're looking for an African American (never Black) brother for me?
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Wants
assalamu alaikum,
I've been lost. I'm trekking my way back. Thanks for reading, really.
****
I tutor several students, off and on, at the middle school and high school levels. Incidentally, they're all boys- not sure why. That's probably just how the community is around here. I don't know nearly as many teenaged girls as I do boys here in Conservopolis. Girls, where are you?
irrelevant.
What I was going to say is that I've had all of these students go through an exercise to build their own goals. It's simple, really: you have someone ask, over and over again, "What do you want?" and write down EVERY answer. Then go through and weed out the things of the moment from the true goals.
Alhamdulillah, one student replied, "I want to go to Jennah alFirdous, inshaAllah, and be in the shade of Allah and the company of the Prophet on the last day." No kidding. A fourteen-year-old told me that (he wasn't trying to impress me).
And then I kept asking.
You want that? What else? What do you want along the way? When do you want it? How do you want it? How do you want to gain the pleasure of Allah (swt) inshaAllah?
All of the boys do this. Then I make them tape up their goals on a wall or mirror they'll see daily. And put dates on them (well, all but the goals like the one above. That one isn't one I hope to be able to put a time and date on). ANd then review them weekly and monthly and see them daily and determine not only what it is that they want from this life, but to see that they're the ones who determine how this gift of life is spent. Parents do a lot, but they have only so much to work with. Allah has granted us life. We've got to use it.
And yet I've gotten away from that myself.
How often is it that the teacher loses sight of the student for the knowledge? Today I went through and re-made my own goals.
It was humbling and amazing to see how I'm holding myself back from taking advantage. It's scary. *sigh*.
peace
TwennyTwo
I've been lost. I'm trekking my way back. Thanks for reading, really.
****
I tutor several students, off and on, at the middle school and high school levels. Incidentally, they're all boys- not sure why. That's probably just how the community is around here. I don't know nearly as many teenaged girls as I do boys here in Conservopolis. Girls, where are you?
irrelevant.
What I was going to say is that I've had all of these students go through an exercise to build their own goals. It's simple, really: you have someone ask, over and over again, "What do you want?" and write down EVERY answer. Then go through and weed out the things of the moment from the true goals.
Alhamdulillah, one student replied, "I want to go to Jennah alFirdous, inshaAllah, and be in the shade of Allah and the company of the Prophet on the last day." No kidding. A fourteen-year-old told me that (he wasn't trying to impress me).
And then I kept asking.
You want that? What else? What do you want along the way? When do you want it? How do you want it? How do you want to gain the pleasure of Allah (swt) inshaAllah?
All of the boys do this. Then I make them tape up their goals on a wall or mirror they'll see daily. And put dates on them (well, all but the goals like the one above. That one isn't one I hope to be able to put a time and date on). ANd then review them weekly and monthly and see them daily and determine not only what it is that they want from this life, but to see that they're the ones who determine how this gift of life is spent. Parents do a lot, but they have only so much to work with. Allah has granted us life. We've got to use it.
And yet I've gotten away from that myself.
How often is it that the teacher loses sight of the student for the knowledge? Today I went through and re-made my own goals.
It was humbling and amazing to see how I'm holding myself back from taking advantage. It's scary. *sigh*.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, February 11, 2008
Off again
assalamu alaikum,
I had the most horrifying, terrifying, distressing conversation with my brother JW yesterday.
Apparently he is off his meds. And suicidal. And extremely depressed.
Please pray. For his sanity and health. For mine. For my entire family.
It's extremely stressful to know that I feel behind and inadequate at work and to be the one my brother wants to help 'prop' him mentally.
Yesterday was a great day of tutoring for me- until I was talking to JW at one point on my cell phone while driving (which I detest doing- driving on the cell, I mean) the most narrow hair-raisingly constructed highway in the region in the huge Pimp Car (tm) hearing him tell me, after I told him quite forcefully that suicide is not an option and we'll help him work this out, "I wasn't actually asking for permission."
Okay, so what were you doing, giving me notice?!
My response:
"Good, because you aren't getting it!"
Just, please, pray. I need a mental health day and I don't have one. I need reinforcement. Dua'a requested.
peace
TwennyTwo
I had the most horrifying, terrifying, distressing conversation with my brother JW yesterday.
Apparently he is off his meds. And suicidal. And extremely depressed.
Please pray. For his sanity and health. For mine. For my entire family.
It's extremely stressful to know that I feel behind and inadequate at work and to be the one my brother wants to help 'prop' him mentally.
Yesterday was a great day of tutoring for me- until I was talking to JW at one point on my cell phone while driving (which I detest doing- driving on the cell, I mean) the most narrow hair-raisingly constructed highway in the region in the huge Pimp Car (tm) hearing him tell me, after I told him quite forcefully that suicide is not an option and we'll help him work this out, "I wasn't actually asking for permission."
Okay, so what were you doing, giving me notice?!
My response:
"Good, because you aren't getting it!"
Just, please, pray. I need a mental health day and I don't have one. I need reinforcement. Dua'a requested.
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, February 03, 2008
There's assistance and then there's that.
Assalamu alaikum,
Yes, I'm blogging in front of the Super Bowl. I'm on my sister's computer and she's TiVo'd it, so we re-watch the good commercials and kinda zone out on the rest. I'm taking the opportunity to do some blogging. So what?
Besides, the Patriots always win, it's nearly as sickening as those Yankees a couple years ago.
I had a really interesting conversation with "my assistant", the other teacher in my room half a day. I've had some real issues with her attitude, not least because I was given to understand that she was there in part so that I could rely on her greater experience in the early childhood education arena.
Because, while I do believe (alhamdulIllah) I'm capable of teaching children this young, there are things about teaching them that I just don't know, not having experience nor training in ECE and not having had children this age myself. And then when I came, and asked for her help in certain things, I got a lot of pushback from her, outright... insolence, I guess.
What really chapped my buns was that ultimately, I feel that the kids in the room are the ones who pay with an inferior level of education. Then, she was transferred to KG for half a day in the afternoon. While that brought relief on the one hand (no one judging me in my own classroom, refusing to take initiative yet making suggestions after the fact as to how I'm doing things incorrectly), it also upset me that she felt better in the KG room without at least trying to express any problems she had outright. I do NOT tolerate gossipping in the workplace, so I kept that to my family and confidants, but that whole situation wasn't (and isn't , but we've cleared the air... I'm getting there) helping my mental status.
Then I picked up some guts and finally just asked her to work with the older kids in group time with their literacy. I've been trying to do that, especially as some of the older ones can read and need more instruction. I pulled them out 3 times a week, but I know that she had done that sort of thing before. She let me know something that shocked me and made me understand her attitude: she makes less than $16,000 a year. And she does so simply because she doesn't have a bachelor's degree. SHe works the same hours I do, has 5 years of experience in pre-school, but is making less than half what starting teachers are offered.
No wonder.
So, I let her know that I needed her expertise. And further, the kids needed it. I understood, finally, why she had acted the way she did, but I'd gladly take on some things that she had been doing, if she'd apply her great innovative ideas to the older reading group. I said that I needed to be able to watch her, because while it was inspiring to hear her say that they needed to do more manipulative activities and less paperwork, being that all my experience and training is with adults and children at least 9 years old, the ideas are slow coming and hard to put into place. And I told her that I absolutely agree that her pay level is unjust.
It's getting better. I hope. I mean, I still sense that attitude and am much quicker to come out of my mouth and ask her if she's angry about something, but she's working with the kids, and has sent a letter to the parents saying as much, and I'm looking at what she does and learning from her activity. *sigh*.
It makes me realize a couple of things, one being that although I am competent to look after and teach pre-schoolers, it's not where I'm most involved and passionate. That's in part why I've taken so many tutoring spots; it cuts my time, but I LOVE teaching students that age, really showing my passion for learning. Plus, it's easier to help them fully understand what their teachers set them, stretch their minds, and think beyond where they are.
Pre-school- that's possible, especially when we can go outdoors and explore, or plant seeds, or just wonder at the creation of Allah, but it's a whole lot harder for me to wrap my head around indoors. And I have no- ZERO- prep time scheduled into my day, which I finally understand is just flat unfair. Bad enough I'm just now getting to pray dhuhr thanks to an awesome sister who's student-teaching and watches my people for 10 minutes. She's been a godsend, really. Worse that I see that creative materials are needed and that I have to create them- or have time to tell someone else how to create them- and I have to do that on my own scant time. The only non-scheduled time I have during the school day is lunch, for 45 minutes. I'm still training for the marathon and I don't want to give it up for less than life-changing reasons. I tutor and I go to halaqas, I go to the gym and then I go home- when I deviate from that I do things like nearly break my wrist and then have sucky weeks.
Something has to give, and until now the kids haven't been getting the education that I know they could get. I don't think that their education is inadequate, nor is their care. But I've always been one to want to be the absolute best at what I do. To not do so for whatever reason just bothers the mess out of me. It's probably half of my issues now.
Man, where did my positive blog posts go?
Anyway.
peace
Yes, I'm blogging in front of the Super Bowl. I'm on my sister's computer and she's TiVo'd it, so we re-watch the good commercials and kinda zone out on the rest. I'm taking the opportunity to do some blogging. So what?
Besides, the Patriots always win, it's nearly as sickening as those Yankees a couple years ago.
I had a really interesting conversation with "my assistant", the other teacher in my room half a day. I've had some real issues with her attitude, not least because I was given to understand that she was there in part so that I could rely on her greater experience in the early childhood education arena.
Because, while I do believe (alhamdulIllah) I'm capable of teaching children this young, there are things about teaching them that I just don't know, not having experience nor training in ECE and not having had children this age myself. And then when I came, and asked for her help in certain things, I got a lot of pushback from her, outright... insolence, I guess.
What really chapped my buns was that ultimately, I feel that the kids in the room are the ones who pay with an inferior level of education. Then, she was transferred to KG for half a day in the afternoon. While that brought relief on the one hand (no one judging me in my own classroom, refusing to take initiative yet making suggestions after the fact as to how I'm doing things incorrectly), it also upset me that she felt better in the KG room without at least trying to express any problems she had outright. I do NOT tolerate gossipping in the workplace, so I kept that to my family and confidants, but that whole situation wasn't (and isn't , but we've cleared the air... I'm getting there) helping my mental status.
Then I picked up some guts and finally just asked her to work with the older kids in group time with their literacy. I've been trying to do that, especially as some of the older ones can read and need more instruction. I pulled them out 3 times a week, but I know that she had done that sort of thing before. She let me know something that shocked me and made me understand her attitude: she makes less than $16,000 a year. And she does so simply because she doesn't have a bachelor's degree. SHe works the same hours I do, has 5 years of experience in pre-school, but is making less than half what starting teachers are offered.
No wonder.
So, I let her know that I needed her expertise. And further, the kids needed it. I understood, finally, why she had acted the way she did, but I'd gladly take on some things that she had been doing, if she'd apply her great innovative ideas to the older reading group. I said that I needed to be able to watch her, because while it was inspiring to hear her say that they needed to do more manipulative activities and less paperwork, being that all my experience and training is with adults and children at least 9 years old, the ideas are slow coming and hard to put into place. And I told her that I absolutely agree that her pay level is unjust.
It's getting better. I hope. I mean, I still sense that attitude and am much quicker to come out of my mouth and ask her if she's angry about something, but she's working with the kids, and has sent a letter to the parents saying as much, and I'm looking at what she does and learning from her activity. *sigh*.
It makes me realize a couple of things, one being that although I am competent to look after and teach pre-schoolers, it's not where I'm most involved and passionate. That's in part why I've taken so many tutoring spots; it cuts my time, but I LOVE teaching students that age, really showing my passion for learning. Plus, it's easier to help them fully understand what their teachers set them, stretch their minds, and think beyond where they are.
Pre-school- that's possible, especially when we can go outdoors and explore, or plant seeds, or just wonder at the creation of Allah, but it's a whole lot harder for me to wrap my head around indoors. And I have no- ZERO- prep time scheduled into my day, which I finally understand is just flat unfair. Bad enough I'm just now getting to pray dhuhr thanks to an awesome sister who's student-teaching and watches my people for 10 minutes. She's been a godsend, really. Worse that I see that creative materials are needed and that I have to create them- or have time to tell someone else how to create them- and I have to do that on my own scant time. The only non-scheduled time I have during the school day is lunch, for 45 minutes. I'm still training for the marathon and I don't want to give it up for less than life-changing reasons. I tutor and I go to halaqas, I go to the gym and then I go home- when I deviate from that I do things like nearly break my wrist and then have sucky weeks.
Something has to give, and until now the kids haven't been getting the education that I know they could get. I don't think that their education is inadequate, nor is their care. But I've always been one to want to be the absolute best at what I do. To not do so for whatever reason just bothers the mess out of me. It's probably half of my issues now.
Man, where did my positive blog posts go?
Anyway.
peace
Monday, December 10, 2007
Lost his ever-loving mind
assalamu alaikum
I've been gone for a while. I know. I've thought about this place like every day. We've really been going through it, so I'm asking for dua'a. Long story short, my brother JW (I've mentioned him here in passing) is in the hospital about an hour north of Conservopolis. He's been there for more than two weeks; he was sent directly from his campus by his counselors and a favorite professor. He's very ill.
It is terrifying and horrifying to see. My brother is losing it. He's been diagnosed with a mental illness. Audhu billah.
It tears at my heart every time we've gone to see him (of the four of us close to him, one of us has been up to see him every day). It's clear that something is wrong. Please make dua'a and pray for his recovery.
JW is a national-class musician, with an amazingly quick mind. I've always said he was the brightest of all of us, even if his grades did not reflect all of that. Yesterday, alhamdulIllah, was the best day of all those he's been there- it was like seeing him again. Because at the first visit... his eyes were wild, and bloodshot. He was stopping to pause and detect the messages that were being transmitted through the hospital television monitor. He kept telling us that people were coming to kill him.
He meant it.
My family was okay before this and inshaAllah we'll be okay afterward. If different. As hard as it will be to pay for treatment, at least we live where there's an option. And thank God someone at that school noticed that something was wrong. I don't know how he'd have made it another three weeks at university without help. By the time they put him in he was clearly... sick.
I know I'm different. I hear myself when I say the word 'crazy' to mean 'weird or out of whack'. I remembered several times how I said the word 'shizo' to mean crazy in front of my friend, S. and how she reproached me. I know what she felt, now. I think the worry is the worst. But I'm ashamed of a lot of my internal reactions to all of this. I cringe at my reaction when I don't want to take the two hour round trip to the hospital after having worked all day. Last Monday I just took a day off and cleaned my mother's house (a bit. It needs like another two days. I just can't take them. Sigh.) instead of going to school like my life is normal and okay.
And since my parents worry whenever I miss a day of work ( like the 2 days my doctora demanded when I had the flu and strep at the same time= yay preschool) I neglected to inform them that I did so. I'm getting to the point where when I actually make a decision instead of dithering I'm extremely disinclined to defend or argue about it. I'd been letting some things slide and I realized that if JW isn't doing so well, I have to step up my game. I don't get the option of being depressed myself. I'd been slowly dissolving myself, letting certain things go, and I know that midwinter is never my best time. I know it was happening, and I was trying to get a hold of myself- and then JW was hospitalized. I got some issues to get out so I'll be blogging by hook or crook soon. I just hope I don't get called out, because the resulting meltdown would not be pretty. I'm glad my sister is here. She's my lifeline right now, as I am hers.
Yeah.
Oh, DP, I saw your comment and will be answering later, inshaAllah. Sisters, brothers, other friends inside the computer, if you read me, please comment. I like my friends inside the internet to be as vocal as I am in real life. And being alone is not what's up right now. Get at me...
peace
TwennyTwo
I've been gone for a while. I know. I've thought about this place like every day. We've really been going through it, so I'm asking for dua'a. Long story short, my brother JW (I've mentioned him here in passing) is in the hospital about an hour north of Conservopolis. He's been there for more than two weeks; he was sent directly from his campus by his counselors and a favorite professor. He's very ill.
It is terrifying and horrifying to see. My brother is losing it. He's been diagnosed with a mental illness. Audhu billah.
It tears at my heart every time we've gone to see him (of the four of us close to him, one of us has been up to see him every day). It's clear that something is wrong. Please make dua'a and pray for his recovery.
JW is a national-class musician, with an amazingly quick mind. I've always said he was the brightest of all of us, even if his grades did not reflect all of that. Yesterday, alhamdulIllah, was the best day of all those he's been there- it was like seeing him again. Because at the first visit... his eyes were wild, and bloodshot. He was stopping to pause and detect the messages that were being transmitted through the hospital television monitor. He kept telling us that people were coming to kill him.
He meant it.
My family was okay before this and inshaAllah we'll be okay afterward. If different. As hard as it will be to pay for treatment, at least we live where there's an option. And thank God someone at that school noticed that something was wrong. I don't know how he'd have made it another three weeks at university without help. By the time they put him in he was clearly... sick.
I know I'm different. I hear myself when I say the word 'crazy' to mean 'weird or out of whack'. I remembered several times how I said the word 'shizo' to mean crazy in front of my friend, S. and how she reproached me. I know what she felt, now. I think the worry is the worst. But I'm ashamed of a lot of my internal reactions to all of this. I cringe at my reaction when I don't want to take the two hour round trip to the hospital after having worked all day. Last Monday I just took a day off and cleaned my mother's house (a bit. It needs like another two days. I just can't take them. Sigh.) instead of going to school like my life is normal and okay.
And since my parents worry whenever I miss a day of work ( like the 2 days my doctora demanded when I had the flu and strep at the same time= yay preschool) I neglected to inform them that I did so. I'm getting to the point where when I actually make a decision instead of dithering I'm extremely disinclined to defend or argue about it. I'd been letting some things slide and I realized that if JW isn't doing so well, I have to step up my game. I don't get the option of being depressed myself. I'd been slowly dissolving myself, letting certain things go, and I know that midwinter is never my best time. I know it was happening, and I was trying to get a hold of myself- and then JW was hospitalized. I got some issues to get out so I'll be blogging by hook or crook soon. I just hope I don't get called out, because the resulting meltdown would not be pretty. I'm glad my sister is here. She's my lifeline right now, as I am hers.
Yeah.
Oh, DP, I saw your comment and will be answering later, inshaAllah. Sisters, brothers, other friends inside the computer, if you read me, please comment. I like my friends inside the internet to be as vocal as I am in real life. And being alone is not what's up right now. Get at me...
peace
TwennyTwo
Friday, July 27, 2007
Right now
peace
so right now i'm throwing my fist up at the sky and hollering,
"where is my sustenance! You promised! where is it?! how am i supposed to make it?!"
in a friendly, loving, obedient and respectful way
of course
and while my head knows i am owed nothing but death i need my heart to be at peace with it
but not so as to hasten that particular debt collector
and all i'm really saying is that i work all day every day and i work alone
(but for You)
so not paying the rent or not eating shouldn't be an option because i work
(for You alone)
if one more person tells me i have to sacrifice they will truly sacrifice themselves for my sake
i know what i have to do
i know how it is (its hard)
i don't know how to be. show me how to be patient. show me how to be frugal. show me how to be friendless. show me how to be homeless.
its not that i dont trust You more like i don't trust me
but i live for You and You, you're up there sending down sustenance
right
and i don't want to miss it so i'm looking real hard
right now
i don't want to make any decisions because they're all bad
except that i still trust You
right now
i need You for real
that's all i'm saying
so right now i'm throwing my fist up at the sky and hollering,
"where is my sustenance! You promised! where is it?! how am i supposed to make it?!"
in a friendly, loving, obedient and respectful way
of course
and while my head knows i am owed nothing but death i need my heart to be at peace with it
but not so as to hasten that particular debt collector
and all i'm really saying is that i work all day every day and i work alone
(but for You)
so not paying the rent or not eating shouldn't be an option because i work
(for You alone)
if one more person tells me i have to sacrifice they will truly sacrifice themselves for my sake
i know what i have to do
i know how it is (its hard)
i don't know how to be. show me how to be patient. show me how to be frugal. show me how to be friendless. show me how to be homeless.
its not that i dont trust You more like i don't trust me
but i live for You and You, you're up there sending down sustenance
right
and i don't want to miss it so i'm looking real hard
right now
i don't want to make any decisions because they're all bad
except that i still trust You
right now
i need You for real
that's all i'm saying
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Allahu Alim, wa alhamdulIllah al haqq.
peace
They got him.
I'm no longer working there and the drama is done. I was considering working for this org after everything was finished. I doubt it. Right now I'm just tired.
They got him.
Friday I left the office at 2PM never to return, sad and worried that my intern would have to deal with someone I saw as a predator who doesn't know how to treat women. But after warning her, I could do no more. So I left.
Saturday was my last day working for that organization (I helped with a training that I started). When I talked to my direct supervisor as she came in to relive me (after two sleepless nights, really) she let me know that the reason the alarm had been changed on our building that morning was that they'd had to let that man go. Apparently he'd left some graphic pictures (!!) on the common (!!!) work (!!!) server. They were found, and it had to have been right after I left that he was summarily dismissed.
So thank you to everyone for your dua'a and watchfulness on that situation. I feel as if a weight has left me. I no longer have any problems with leaving that place. And as my former direct supervisor noted, the org. is in a hard place over staffing. It's no longer my problem at all.
peace
TwennyTwo
They got him.
I'm no longer working there and the drama is done. I was considering working for this org after everything was finished. I doubt it. Right now I'm just tired.
They got him.
Friday I left the office at 2PM never to return, sad and worried that my intern would have to deal with someone I saw as a predator who doesn't know how to treat women. But after warning her, I could do no more. So I left.
Saturday was my last day working for that organization (I helped with a training that I started). When I talked to my direct supervisor as she came in to relive me (after two sleepless nights, really) she let me know that the reason the alarm had been changed on our building that morning was that they'd had to let that man go. Apparently he'd left some graphic pictures (!!) on the common (!!!) work (!!!) server. They were found, and it had to have been right after I left that he was summarily dismissed.
So thank you to everyone for your dua'a and watchfulness on that situation. I feel as if a weight has left me. I no longer have any problems with leaving that place. And as my former direct supervisor noted, the org. is in a hard place over staffing. It's no longer my problem at all.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
He's still there, but I'm not
peace,
Long story short, he got out of it somehow. I think he told the executive director, when she called from vacation to ask what was going on, that he had no idea who that woman was or how she had his number at work. Then called one of his women and cursed her out for calling our exec. director (a call I took) for some reason. You know what? I don't know what is going on... but only God truly does, so I'm trusting Him to resolve it to His will.
And truly? As my sister so succinctly put it, "You've got 3 days left. Why do you care?"
I care because I'm leaving a young intern behind. So, after I warned her what she's up against, and let the executive director know what I've heard about this guy, I can do no more. Except say MashaAllah that I left when I did. Yah.
Meanwhile, there's an interview I got from UmmZ that's been languishing in my drafts since all of this began; time to move on and move up. Please keep me and my job hunt and the general husband search in your dua'a.
peace
TwennyTwo
Long story short, he got out of it somehow. I think he told the executive director, when she called from vacation to ask what was going on, that he had no idea who that woman was or how she had his number at work. Then called one of his women and cursed her out for calling our exec. director (a call I took) for some reason. You know what? I don't know what is going on... but only God truly does, so I'm trusting Him to resolve it to His will.
And truly? As my sister so succinctly put it, "You've got 3 days left. Why do you care?"
I care because I'm leaving a young intern behind. So, after I warned her what she's up against, and let the executive director know what I've heard about this guy, I can do no more. Except say MashaAllah that I left when I did. Yah.
Meanwhile, there's an interview I got from UmmZ that's been languishing in my drafts since all of this began; time to move on and move up. Please keep me and my job hunt and the general husband search in your dua'a.
peace
TwennyTwo
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Dangerous and scary. Dua'a please.
peace,
Okay, I'm trying not to get "Dooced" in my last couple days of work here, but I need to get this out.
Some time back I posted on the man who works in the same office with me who was harassing me, asking me out, wouldn't take no for an answer and apparently (from phone calls and his own accounts) had several women on a string. (And wanted to add me to it, pssht. Astaghfirullah.)
This is the man who wasn't released after that incident (I had email to back it up and was frankly mo' den a lil' creeped out), but we were both oriented as to the situation.
Make dua'a please. Last week, this guy walks in and mentions that he "may have broken someone's heart." As I try to stay well clear of him and his issues outside of work, I didn't ask more; he volunteered that he'd had to 'break up' with a certain woman.
This morning I got to work early in order to have some peace, and got to listen to a scary-licious voicemail from last night, meant for this man, from a woman crying, cursing, saying the police would be looking for him, that he'd beat and raped her and that he was the scum of the earth, obscenities, etc.
Now, I don't care what his excuse is. I don't want to have to work in the same office with him anymore. If that voicemail has anything to do with anything that is true, working with that man is a terrifying prospect. Because I already know that he can't take 'no' for an answer personally. And if it isn't true, then I'm wary of working with someone who associates with people who will lie and leave a voicemail like that at a place of employment.
Here's the kicker: the executive director heard of the voicemail from a co-worker, and therefore, instituted a lockdown on that piece of information. I heard the voicemail... but I'm not supposed to have heard it, in order to protect the co-worker.
That's just great. So what do I do when this guy walks into the office that we share?!
If asked directly, I'm not going to lie about it, but if not asked, I'll act as if I don't know anything. *sigh*. Pray for me please. PLEASE. Even without this I've got a lot on my plate in terms of tasks to finish... I need to just get through these last FOUR days inshaAllah.
A surah comes to mind:
"qul audhubirabbinnas..."
updates later inshaAllah.
Okay, I'm trying not to get "Dooced" in my last couple days of work here, but I need to get this out.
Some time back I posted on the man who works in the same office with me who was harassing me, asking me out, wouldn't take no for an answer and apparently (from phone calls and his own accounts) had several women on a string. (And wanted to add me to it, pssht. Astaghfirullah.)
This is the man who wasn't released after that incident (I had email to back it up and was frankly mo' den a lil' creeped out), but we were both oriented as to the situation.
Make dua'a please. Last week, this guy walks in and mentions that he "may have broken someone's heart." As I try to stay well clear of him and his issues outside of work, I didn't ask more; he volunteered that he'd had to 'break up' with a certain woman.
This morning I got to work early in order to have some peace, and got to listen to a scary-licious voicemail from last night, meant for this man, from a woman crying, cursing, saying the police would be looking for him, that he'd beat and raped her and that he was the scum of the earth, obscenities, etc.
Now, I don't care what his excuse is. I don't want to have to work in the same office with him anymore. If that voicemail has anything to do with anything that is true, working with that man is a terrifying prospect. Because I already know that he can't take 'no' for an answer personally. And if it isn't true, then I'm wary of working with someone who associates with people who will lie and leave a voicemail like that at a place of employment.
Here's the kicker: the executive director heard of the voicemail from a co-worker, and therefore, instituted a lockdown on that piece of information. I heard the voicemail... but I'm not supposed to have heard it, in order to protect the co-worker.
That's just great. So what do I do when this guy walks into the office that we share?!
If asked directly, I'm not going to lie about it, but if not asked, I'll act as if I don't know anything. *sigh*. Pray for me please. PLEASE. Even without this I've got a lot on my plate in terms of tasks to finish... I need to just get through these last FOUR days inshaAllah.
A surah comes to mind:
"qul audhubirabbinnas..."
updates later inshaAllah.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
boo, blogger, booo!
peace,
I just wrote an entire post about how it came about that I needed to quit my office job. It was greatly explanatory, went into detail.
You'll have to believe me on that, because blogger just erased it. Boo, blogger, booo!!!
The good thing is that it was also very calming and cathartic. So alhamdulillah even though I'm in a spot that isn't enviable I'm okay with it. I'll explain further after I go into the office to turn in my letter of notice.
There are so many out there who need dua'a; I'm praying for others, too. In the midst of all the craziness and violence it's easy to focus on the outside. But over the past couple months, I've come to realize that it's okay to ask for advice and assistance when I need it- and to take it when I can. So please, keep me in your prayers; the best assistance comes from the Sustainer.
wa alaikum salaam
TwennyTwo
I just wrote an entire post about how it came about that I needed to quit my office job. It was greatly explanatory, went into detail.
You'll have to believe me on that, because blogger just erased it. Boo, blogger, booo!!!
The good thing is that it was also very calming and cathartic. So alhamdulillah even though I'm in a spot that isn't enviable I'm okay with it. I'll explain further after I go into the office to turn in my letter of notice.
There are so many out there who need dua'a; I'm praying for others, too. In the midst of all the craziness and violence it's easy to focus on the outside. But over the past couple months, I've come to realize that it's okay to ask for advice and assistance when I need it- and to take it when I can. So please, keep me in your prayers; the best assistance comes from the Sustainer.
wa alaikum salaam
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Virginia Tech
peace,
I must've heard about it just as the news was coming out, around 10:45 AM or so.
In the next couple of hours, as the numbers rose, all I could do was make dua'a. Ya, Rabbi, surround those people with your safety and awareness. Keep them connected to You. Touch the heart of the shooter, Lord.
And as the toll went higher: Have mercy on the living and the dead. Mercy, please.
I live not too far from where this young man's parents lived. This is unfortunately the biggest news here. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
peace
TwennyTwo
I must've heard about it just as the news was coming out, around 10:45 AM or so.
In the next couple of hours, as the numbers rose, all I could do was make dua'a. Ya, Rabbi, surround those people with your safety and awareness. Keep them connected to You. Touch the heart of the shooter, Lord.
And as the toll went higher: Have mercy on the living and the dead. Mercy, please.
I live not too far from where this young man's parents lived. This is unfortunately the biggest news here. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Testimony again
peace
A testimony:
The housing choice was as follows: room with 2 women in Rosslyn, or room with one man in the area where I live now- but even closer to my job; right across the street, in fact. Which was really no choice at all,- I like Rosslyn and it's on the train line, if a bit more expensive- until I got the call that the girls in Rosslyn would need a co-signer, or IF their roomie agreed, she'd stay on the lease and I'd take over her payments. Which meant, that my spot in the room wasn't certain at all. And that if I wanted to know know where I'd be living come next Wednesday, I needed to go with the choice that wasn't a choice, living with non-mahram (very nice christian but NOT MAHRAM, hello) man right across the street from work where I'd never escape.
And I flipped right on out, y'all. Called my mama and flipped out. She was like, "can you meditate? Or pray or something?" My everlasting shame is in my reply which I will NOT relate here. Some of y'all know me in real life.
But anyway, beforehand she'd told me, not understanding the reason for my reluctance, that she'd prefer that I live across the street from my job. When I flipped out I let her know that it's haram to live with a non-mahram man, which she did get when she understood how upset that prospect was making me. "Not proper," she said, "I understand." Because a girl always wants to please her mama deep down somewhere. It killed me when she talked me out of rejecting that option out of hand- I mean, it'd cut out transportation costs, and I'd never have issues getting to work. I just happen to not love my job and also want to really start living all parts of my life the way I'm learning I've been Told To Do.
I have got to remember Who is God and that my best interest is Always to trust GOD always always always. Last night I made istikhara on the housing. I just had to give the choice to Someone else. Today the girls offered me the place again without all the red tape. InshaAllah I'm moving to Rosslyn. God knows best and I know best and now I can do best, too.
Y'all, the relief of that. The inner tension of even considering something that I've NEVER done and that I knew to be haram and feeling forced into the choice by listening to those I trusted. The craziness that comes with not knowing. And the relief of not having to act like I can predict the future. I was so. scared. Looking for other options everywhere, none with the ability to move by next Wednesday. Searching through Muslim friends and ending up with nothing. Trying to "figure it out" myself. Astaghfirullah.
Isha came tonight and saw the tears running down my face. Wow. SubhanAllah. My favorite verse came to mind- Lord willing I'm going to memorize it. Because right now- and always- it speaks to me.
Somebody better say MashaAllah. And even if you don't I'm saying alhamdulIllah for you and all of us. God is worthy, and I will ever turn back and rely on Him. And I don't need to know, as long as Somebody I can trust knows. And that Somebody always knows. Glory. That's my testimony.
peace
me
A testimony:
The housing choice was as follows: room with 2 women in Rosslyn, or room with one man in the area where I live now- but even closer to my job; right across the street, in fact. Which was really no choice at all,- I like Rosslyn and it's on the train line, if a bit more expensive- until I got the call that the girls in Rosslyn would need a co-signer, or IF their roomie agreed, she'd stay on the lease and I'd take over her payments. Which meant, that my spot in the room wasn't certain at all. And that if I wanted to know know where I'd be living come next Wednesday, I needed to go with the choice that wasn't a choice, living with non-mahram (very nice christian but NOT MAHRAM, hello) man right across the street from work where I'd never escape.
And I flipped right on out, y'all. Called my mama and flipped out. She was like, "can you meditate? Or pray or something?" My everlasting shame is in my reply which I will NOT relate here. Some of y'all know me in real life.
But anyway, beforehand she'd told me, not understanding the reason for my reluctance, that she'd prefer that I live across the street from my job. When I flipped out I let her know that it's haram to live with a non-mahram man, which she did get when she understood how upset that prospect was making me. "Not proper," she said, "I understand." Because a girl always wants to please her mama deep down somewhere. It killed me when she talked me out of rejecting that option out of hand- I mean, it'd cut out transportation costs, and I'd never have issues getting to work. I just happen to not love my job and also want to really start living all parts of my life the way I'm learning I've been Told To Do.
I have got to remember Who is God and that my best interest is Always to trust GOD always always always. Last night I made istikhara on the housing. I just had to give the choice to Someone else. Today the girls offered me the place again without all the red tape. InshaAllah I'm moving to Rosslyn. God knows best and I know best and now I can do best, too.
Y'all, the relief of that. The inner tension of even considering something that I've NEVER done and that I knew to be haram and feeling forced into the choice by listening to those I trusted. The craziness that comes with not knowing. And the relief of not having to act like I can predict the future. I was so. scared. Looking for other options everywhere, none with the ability to move by next Wednesday. Searching through Muslim friends and ending up with nothing. Trying to "figure it out" myself. Astaghfirullah.
Isha came tonight and saw the tears running down my face. Wow. SubhanAllah. My favorite verse came to mind- Lord willing I'm going to memorize it. Because right now- and always- it speaks to me.
"Allah! There is no god but He- the Living, the Self-subsisting,
Eternal. No slumber can seize Him nor sleep. His are all things in
the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence
except as He permits? He knows what (appears to His creatures as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass anything of His knowledge except as He wills. His Throne extends over the heavens and the earth, and He feels no fatigue in guarding and preserving them for He is the Most High, the Supreme in glory."
Surah al Baqarah 2:255 (trans. by Abdullah Yusuf Ali)
Somebody better say MashaAllah. And even if you don't I'm saying alhamdulIllah for you and all of us. God is worthy, and I will ever turn back and rely on Him. And I don't need to know, as long as Somebody I can trust knows. And that Somebody always knows. Glory. That's my testimony.
peace
me
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
And then stress hits.
peace,
Ahhhh, thanks to my ladies who got what I was about in that last post. Nothing like a good crush to make you feel giddy.
Seriously, though? I've caught a couple of the dua's headed my way, and thanks to everyone, because it ain't over. The stress of the past week and what's coming up in the next two weeks are requiring serious amounts of prayer already. Please remember me in your duas.
When I took the job I have, I was hired even though I made it plain that I don't own a car. Owning a car was quite clear in the job description. Now, this later caused a brief hubbub later, when I asked my exec director to join Zipcar. She was quite firm in stating that my having a car was part of the job description. She and my then-boss went over it, since they'd hired me knowing I didn't have a car, and Zipcar wouldn't cost anything, and I drew up a proposal to that effect, I ended up with Zipcar and use it to fulfill my business duties.
But seriously? My travel to this point is now such that I'm paying $250 per month just for the privilege of using a car. As my mother exclaimed, "That's a (car) note!" And it is, nearly, but I don't have a down payment for a car, nor the $200 per month that I'd be charged for insurance here (yeah, so much for the gecko). My aunt won't sell me her car, so I'm eating that cost. At this rate I'm barely breaking even since my job pays well... and it costs well over average to live in the DC metro area. Holla if ya hear me.
I'm applying to various and sundry second jobs, and not hearing from any, but I've got to find a way to resolve the car/cash issue quickly.
Also, inshaAllah I'll move on the 28th of Feb. I still don't know where I'm moving, but hey, MashaAllah, I have a couple of options! One is convienient but... would put me in an barely tenable situation islamically; the other would make for a LOT more commuting time and travel and thus cash when I don't have any to spare (or, barely tenable economically), plus the girls there are being mad shady about my papers and credit report, making me think they've got someone else on the line (hey, I have someone else on the line, so I can't blame them, but they need to give me a decision...). There's got to be a way out of this. Please keep on praying, y'all.
So. The crush? Still doing the facebook pattycake. Whatever. It was fun to think about. Still is. I wish I didn't welcome that distraction so much.
Today I miss Puerto Rico fiercely, when the weather here turns 50 degrees, and I forget that this is freezing cold. I miss humid winds plastering my skirt to my calves, the everyday amazement of the sunsets there. I miss being able to hear Frankie Ruiz like it's nothing, meeting friends who show warmth and not just recognition when I see them on the street. Much as I struggled there, it is a place of beauty alhamdulillah. Days like these tell me I'm going back, one day, maybe to pull my husband and family with, maybe not, but I can't stay away.
peace and love
me
Ahhhh, thanks to my ladies who got what I was about in that last post. Nothing like a good crush to make you feel giddy.
Seriously, though? I've caught a couple of the dua's headed my way, and thanks to everyone, because it ain't over. The stress of the past week and what's coming up in the next two weeks are requiring serious amounts of prayer already. Please remember me in your duas.
When I took the job I have, I was hired even though I made it plain that I don't own a car. Owning a car was quite clear in the job description. Now, this later caused a brief hubbub later, when I asked my exec director to join Zipcar. She was quite firm in stating that my having a car was part of the job description. She and my then-boss went over it, since they'd hired me knowing I didn't have a car, and Zipcar wouldn't cost anything, and I drew up a proposal to that effect, I ended up with Zipcar and use it to fulfill my business duties.
But seriously? My travel to this point is now such that I'm paying $250 per month just for the privilege of using a car. As my mother exclaimed, "That's a (car) note!" And it is, nearly, but I don't have a down payment for a car, nor the $200 per month that I'd be charged for insurance here (yeah, so much for the gecko). My aunt won't sell me her car, so I'm eating that cost. At this rate I'm barely breaking even since my job pays well... and it costs well over average to live in the DC metro area. Holla if ya hear me.
I'm applying to various and sundry second jobs, and not hearing from any, but I've got to find a way to resolve the car/cash issue quickly.
Also, inshaAllah I'll move on the 28th of Feb. I still don't know where I'm moving, but hey, MashaAllah, I have a couple of options! One is convienient but... would put me in an barely tenable situation islamically; the other would make for a LOT more commuting time and travel and thus cash when I don't have any to spare (or, barely tenable economically), plus the girls there are being mad shady about my papers and credit report, making me think they've got someone else on the line (hey, I have someone else on the line, so I can't blame them, but they need to give me a decision...). There's got to be a way out of this. Please keep on praying, y'all.
So. The crush? Still doing the facebook pattycake. Whatever. It was fun to think about. Still is. I wish I didn't welcome that distraction so much.
Today I miss Puerto Rico fiercely, when the weather here turns 50 degrees, and I forget that this is freezing cold. I miss humid winds plastering my skirt to my calves, the everyday amazement of the sunsets there. I miss being able to hear Frankie Ruiz like it's nothing, meeting friends who show warmth and not just recognition when I see them on the street. Much as I struggled there, it is a place of beauty alhamdulillah. Days like these tell me I'm going back, one day, maybe to pull my husband and family with, maybe not, but I can't stay away.
peace and love
me
Friday, February 09, 2007
Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.
peace,
Okay, so I have issues.
I didn't realize this until I had a panic attack after speaking to my father when he called my job, because he asked me, "How many jobs do you have?"
Because he called me at work.
Because he's in town.
Because he wants to see me.
Because I (only) have one job.
Because I'm nearly out of money.
Because he wants to come to my house.
Because I don't know how I'm going to move from one house to another without any money.
Because I need to be able to leave this job after experiencing the harrassment of the other day.
Because. Just because.
Panic attack. I'm talking racing heart, funny stomach pit, shaking fingers panic attack.
So I've decided to turn this around:
I'm GRATEFUL.
I'm grateful to the One true God, the Most High, the Provider.
I'm grateful that I have a job.
I'm grateful that I have telephone access at my job.
I'm grateful that my father is alive to call me.
I'm grateful that my father wants to see me and loves me.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to see my father when he lives 600 miles away.
I'm grateful that I can work more than one job.
I'm grateful that I'm open to take any evening or work job I can.
I'm grateful that I have access to a computer to "talk" myself out of panicking when nothing else is available.
I'm grateful that I'll have choices when it comes to housing. InshaAllah.
I'm grateful there's always tomorrow to look forward to; even when things are getting worse they'll eventually be better. SubhanAllah.
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, so I have issues.
I didn't realize this until I had a panic attack after speaking to my father when he called my job, because he asked me, "How many jobs do you have?"
Because he called me at work.
Because he's in town.
Because he wants to see me.
Because I (only) have one job.
Because I'm nearly out of money.
Because he wants to come to my house.
Because I don't know how I'm going to move from one house to another without any money.
Because I need to be able to leave this job after experiencing the harrassment of the other day.
Because. Just because.
Panic attack. I'm talking racing heart, funny stomach pit, shaking fingers panic attack.
So I've decided to turn this around:
I'm GRATEFUL.
I'm grateful to the One true God, the Most High, the Provider.
I'm grateful that I have a job.
I'm grateful that I have telephone access at my job.
I'm grateful that my father is alive to call me.
I'm grateful that my father wants to see me and loves me.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to see my father when he lives 600 miles away.
I'm grateful that I can work more than one job.
I'm grateful that I'm open to take any evening or work job I can.
I'm grateful that I have access to a computer to "talk" myself out of panicking when nothing else is available.
I'm grateful that I'll have choices when it comes to housing. InshaAllah.
I'm grateful there's always tomorrow to look forward to; even when things are getting worse they'll eventually be better. SubhanAllah.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, February 07, 2004
on being tall and uninsured
Submitted to the Radical Women of Color Carnival : RadicalWoC2
If you don't like gross stuff, please skip the next paragraph or two.
What a world, what a day. My toenail fell off today, which is the next step in a long, long scary healthcare-free journey that started when I busted my big toe wide open on December 30th. I remember this quite acutely, because it was the day before my health insurance got cut off. (There, gross stuff done, you can read on now and see what happened.)
See, I was walking into this little tiendita (really like, a small bar, I guess) en Mayaguez, which is a gorgeous city on the eastern side of portareeco, because it was blazin' hot and I wanted a bottle of water. Being that I am over 6 feet tall, I sometimes miss little things on the ground. Like the quarter-inch difference between the outside and the inside floors of the bar. So I slide my sandaled foot right into the tile as I enter, and damaged my poor, pitiful, absolutely gorgeous toe that had done nothing to deserve such ill treatment. Dangit. OooooWEEEE that hurt.
Now, I'm in Mayaguez with a toe that is wide open, and I have to make a decision which I realize is more common than I thought: do I go to the Hospital, or not?
Today, looking back, I can understand why healthcare isn't a bigger issue on the presidential candidates's radar. Until you don't have any kind of health insurance, you don't understand just how crucial it is. Betcha hardly any of those there candidates have had insurance and then lost it. I have a Public Health minor, so insurance is something I'd thought quite a lot about, but not so much until I was injured on the point of not having any. It really changed my thinking.
My particular situation probably isn't uncommon. Last December was the sixth month after I graduated college, and my mother's insurance was going to drop me on the last day of the year. Being that I'm twennytwo and an official grownup and all.
I even had a job at that point, a relatively good one. I'm a teacher at a public middle school. But no health insurance. I had to ask about it for months, and no one really came up with a satisfactory answer. Should I have had a benefits orientation when I was hired? Certainly. Did I ask the teachers union representative at my school about it? Yup. I had to stay after the man for two months before he passed me a phone number. That phone number led to more hours of frustration before someone got around to telling me that that particular bureau handled the free healthcare for which I don't qualify. Did I spend enough time looking for private insurance? Of course. It was too expensive. The irony was that I earn too much, according to government calculations, to qualify for the puerto rican health care card, and I earned too little to afford most private insurance. Suing the people who own the bar was out of the question for me; THAT STEP SHOULD HAVE BEEN MARKED, but I should've been looking where I was going. I could see on their faces, while the woman offered to put isopropyl on it, that they were terrified I would sue. I couldn't be the typical lawsuit-hungry american in that situation. It was as much my fault as theirs. But no lawsuit and not registering with the police meant I was on my own if my toe fell off or got infected. As it did.
How many other people have passed this very way?
Shout if you can testify!
I called my mother way back in Cincinnati to tell her the news; she wanted me to visit the hospital. Me being my twennytwo year old stubborn self, decided not to. I wasn't dead, just bleeding and in pain. I wanted to fully taste the vagaries of life without health insurance. My friends Isabel and Pedro took me back to their house, where I cleaned my foot in a tub of cold water, slathered it with neosporin (with the pain killer in), and dosed myself with panadol and coquito. Dont worry, the coquito was alcohol free and darn good.
I managed to shake and salsa my way across the dance floor three days later at Isa and Pedro's wedding, bum foot and all. And for the next 5 weeks I kept up with my toes myself, with no insurance. I'm still alive, and most days I forgot all about it. Until today, when I'm rocking in my garden underneath a beautiful bright white moon and look down to see my toenail isn't there. Then, I thank God I eventually did find health insurance (Much love and strength to Nilda and Fernando G. for hooking me up with the right people to do so), so I don't have to freak out about losing some body part more important to my health.
And I don't have kids, don't have parents to care for, I'm not responsible for anybody but myself. Can you imagine if I had had that happen to a five year old child? I have plenty of twennytwo year old friends with kids older than that. i Imaginate !
I made it without healthcare insurance. The uncertainty and consequences of not having it are something I wouldn't wish on anyone, anywhere in the world. Especially not the twennysomethings who are just starting to take responsibility for the world. Not anyone whose situation could end up so much worse, way worse than me.
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