Thirty from TwennySicks

assalamu alaikum,

As I write this, I'm still 26.

Six and twenty years have passed in my life. And I'm still hoping for thirty.

Thirty, Mama said, is when "I was seriously grown.".
At thirty, according to some voices in Islam, youth has officially passed.

I don't know that maturity has necesarily skipped me, but I do know that I'm not done growing. And there are some years and times I want to call back and savor. Especially twenty four and twenty five. Lawd, 25 was hard from the beginning to the end, quite literally. Almost everyone forgot my 25th birthday; I worked all day and my boss got lost bringing me home in the DC heat. And then I went home and cried because no one loved me. And on my 26th birthday, I was at my grandmother's house... because she wasn't there. She was to be buried the next day.

*sigh*. SubHanAllah. Maybe by 30 I'll have finished sorting out the complex grief-guilt-relief mishmash I feel when I think about the mother of my mother.

Now I feel narcissistic.

That's not what I mean, though. I mean to be forward-thinking. Goal-oriented, even. And somewhere in me is still a little girl who dreams. At twenty-six.

I'm dreaming of a thirty-year old. Woman-me. Secure- more secure than today. Submitting, more than today. Loving- deeply. I dream of a tomorrow (or a not-quite-four-years) better than now. Nowhere near old. But certainly no child. Not even wanting to be, anymore.

Maybe I'll be mama? Wife? Proprietor? Prosperous? A singer. A nurse. A midwife. Professor, crafter. Rich and thin. Rich and fat. Certainly sexy, certainly all covered up.

Maybe I'll not have a dime to my name. Maybe I won't be writing here anymore. Maybe I'll have tasted the true bitterness of the tests we all face. Maybe I'll have become a bleak person. I don't know.

How wondrous and golden is the day I have yet to behold. It amazes me how delicious is something I have yet to taste!

One thing. If (and it won't happen) y'all catch me bemoaning the arrival of my third decade, whop me. Hard! AlHamdulIllah, what if I don't make it? Imette didn't make it. Gabriel didn't make it. Merlin didn't make it. Joy didn't make it. Not to thirty. How many deaths will I see before this day arrives? I am thankful and greatful for every beat of my heart, every action I can make, every wonder and even the atrocities I can see. Who knows? One day this post could be a missive from the grave.

All praise to ALlah for being able to speak, to even hint at His glory. Life is something I will never regret.

Even as I'm reaching for thirty.

hijabi meets a girl wearing tzit tzit and other mysteries

assalamu alaikum

Life continues to be surprising. I'm glad I'm still around.

Today I was in one of my favorite restaurants, one where the people at the service counter do not look twice, but instead love to tease me

"que tipo de frijoles quiere?"
"negros... pero, son habichuelas!"
"quien te dijo? Son frijoles, claro..."

about beans in Spanish.
So anyway, today I stand for several minutes next to a rather overweight person in a baseball cap. Wearing tzit-tzit. And so naturally I thought it was a guy until

she

started talking with a friend about how she was saving to fly to her best friend's wedding in CA this October.

And I just had to ask. I've had enough people ask about my hijab to have a crazy religion question card in my wallet, thanks.

So I did:
"Excuse me... can I ask you a silly question?"
"... Yeah, sure."
"Are those... tzit-tzis you're wearing?"
"Yes, they are!"
"But.. I mean, I've never seen a girl wearing them!"
"I know."
"I just... wow, that's awesome, I don't even know where to start."
"It's pretty cool that you know what they are. I mean, are you Jewish?"
"Nope, I'm Muslim."
"You don't even find many Jews who know what they are."
"I just don't know even where to start! How did you come to wear them?"

And she proceeds to explain that they're a mitzvah that she's always been tied to; and that no, she doesn't attend a Conservative temple; she's Reform.
MashaAllah. In spite of the differences, what I felt was the connection: another woman willingly reaching to take charge of her own spirit and how she shows it.

*****

I'm still excited to be in nursing school; but the last two courses required before I can enter will be trying to kill. me. I KNEW I'd decided never to work and go to school full time again for a reason! Although technically I'm not in school full time (only 8 credits, which means 2 classes and 2 labs, so I'm lucky enough to have Fridays after work free), it FEELS that way. Yesterday afternoon I fell asleep after Asr prayer in the middle of a friend's carpeted floor. I slept for 3 hours right there, past Maghrib. She returned to find me still in the floor. I remarked that I couldn't imagine why I was so tired, and she said, "I know why! You're working and going to school full time, dummy!"

Wait, that makes you tired?!

hee hee.

******

We are officially counting the days until the end of the school year. I know I will miss my students- but we have to finish the year, first. I want to teach Calligraphy and Islamic history in the language arts and Social studies classes, fun stuff that will hold their attention and get me through.

OH SHOOT. I forgot my grades were due today. Oh well, they'll wait until tomorrow.


Ideas welcome.

----------

Lastly, the marriage search is still on, albeit in low-key format. I'm still stewing at Sh. Yaser Birjas and the Practimate team; as far as I'm concerned, they owe me $400. Ask me if you want to know more about that.

SafiyaOutlines has a new post up about Muslim women marrying non-Muslim men; I'm sure she'd appreciate your comments. All 2 of you who still hold out for my blog posts. Bless you both.


peace
twennytwo

Last I've heard from it...

assalamu alaikum,

Alhamdulillah. InshaAllah in about 2 hours, I'll be able to say I made it safely to 1431 AND 2010.

WOW. 2010. No more zero in front of that last number. The people who were born in 1990 are about to be 20 years old! I REMEMBER 1990! How'd that happen?

Seriously? 2009 has not been my best year. Every day that I"m breathing is a good day, alhamdulillah, and another chance. But still, 2009 has stood nearly since the beginning as a year I could not wait to forget.

Positives: I ran a half marathon this year! I moved from pre-k to middle school at my job! ... yeah.

The last year I had that was that bad was 2006 (I know, pessimistic, aren't I?). And you know what? 2007 rocked. Even though it was the year I lost my grandmother, I got so many things I prayed for. It was a bittersweet and memorable year.

So, on to the next! Here we go! Seentcha, 2009! Welcome 2010!

May Allah swt bring blessings, health, happiness, guidance, and PEACE to you, dear reader, and those you love, this year and always.

love,
TwennyTwo

Ramadhan 1430/2009

Alhamdulillah! We made it!

A generous, blessed Ramadhan to you and yours, amin!

Make dua'a for me; make requests of me. You know I'll be praying for you.

peace

Twenny Ate

assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

I remember on D's last b-day I called and was teasing unmercifully about reaching 28. Teasing based on a faulty premise that I don't subscribe to; mainly that getting older is a bad thing. I have seen enough death and personal tragedy to understand that birthdays are blessings, every single one. They don't have the guarantee that death and entropy do.

Ah, and now it's my turn to reflect on 27.

The other day I was in Rochester, NY for my friend Nene's wedding, which was beautiful, and a lot of fun. I think because I was in a crowd of Black and Latino folk (she's black, he's portareecan) I thought back to my college days. I wouldn't take nothing for my journey, but I still feel the love of the people and culture I met during those days.

My work this year wore me down, but I learned a lot of lessons, mainly that I need to do what I want to do when I want it, based on my own values. You'd think that a 27 year old woman would get that, but ah, the lesson needs drilling. Apparently. I love the children, am grateful to be working with little muslims, but now I know that this is my hatching ground, and that I'm due to fly from it sooner rather than later.

I learned that my body? Is mashaAllah amazing. I finished a half-marathon. I finished slowly. But I finished. I also learned that diabetes is stalking me regardless of all that training... and I'm taking care of myself more. I learned that food isn't my best friend, since I already knew it wasn't my enemy.

I learned that I'm a pig for some love. Family, students, friends- I need affection in doses that others would find smothering. I'm learning to be okay with that.

I remembered skills and joys I had forgotten. I think I'm going to get sick of my gauchos after a while, but the satisfaction of making them with my own hands was wonderful. I can still make killer salted oatmeal cookies, even if I have to eat one and give the rest away. And nothing will ever compare to a long drive in the country and woods at the end of a warm day.

I finally realised that even though I am a child of an age of entitlement, I can make my own dreams come true best when I am serving others. I am happy when I learn that a small advice I lent helped another sister find happiness and some self-reflection. I need to lean on other shoulders. I need to be needed.

Procrastination might be natural, but Allah swt has given us all tools to work against the worst of our natures- and with the best of it. Still up to me to grasp the tools and get to work, though. And now I know that organization isn't just a luxury, but for me it's something worth the battles with myself. I realised that to love the examples in my deen and to increase my iman and to love the nabi I follow is not shameful, but it's okay.

Companionship, true companionship, is something I pray for; thank God for my friends, the true-blue homies, the ones who are in the mud and the glory with me.

Twenty-seven is a wrap. Alhamdulillah, let the games of twenny eight begin.

fimanillah
Twenny Two

I know dua'a is always answered.

Assalamu Alaikum,

Well, so ISNA was a blast. I loved being back in my old stomping grounds in DC. I didn't stay at the convention hotels (which was a mistake in that I wasn't immersed in the ISNA atmosphere, but which was also great because I wasn't immersed in the ISNA atmosphere and was in my DC 'home' instead), and I missed like half of the lectures and everything. The few lectures I did get into, though, hit me at the right moment with the right message. The psychologist who was a main speaker at the MSA session, 'Fighting Depression with the Light of God'. Imam Khalid Latif (I'm sure I've misspelled that, forgive me), who spoke on singlehood and the questions of a single believer and how we live that life with the words that were so right-on that I started to cry. Tears just ran down my face.

Alhamdulillah. It was the answer to a prayer.

I came very close to doing some things that I really WANTED to do, even though I knew they were things I oughtn't do. And so, because I knew that I was open and vulnerable, that I was tempted to that 'just do it' attitude, I prayed. Y'all, I prayed long and hard. I made sincere dua'a with faith that it would be answered. And above all was the fervent desire to be protected from doing what Allah does not will for me, and that my dua'a be heard and clearly answered.

Every time I go to ISNA or a similar event, I'm reminded of both my similarities and my differences. I cover, but my dress isn't modern fashionista or Arab or Desi in origin. I'm a young convert, but this is my tenth year as a Muslim (can I get an alhamdulillah?)/. I speak Spanish... but not quite so good at the Arabic, and my Urdu is practically nonexistent.

But I know. I believe. I Believe. I have been given the gift and the blessing of faith. I have been able to pray my way to obedience and to independence. Dua'a is truly my weapon, and it has ALWAYS been answered. It is the most precious blessing I have, to see the will of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala worked in my life through my family and friends and even just occurrences that might look, from the outside, like random. I know.


peace
TwennyTwo

When a dream is awesome

Assalamu Alaikum,

Man, it's cold. I only mention it because it was so cold I got off work yesterday. Yes, the schools closed for a COLD DAY.

Mind you we're talking minus 15 wind chill, so it was kinda expected.

It gave me much needed time to rest...

... and to do my Practimate work. Go on, check it out, it's a new initiative by Sheikh Yaser Birjas, of Marriage Revolution fame.

I like the program because it offers training for people before they marry... and even before you meet 'The One'. Training of the sort I've been bugging Bro. Leader about for a while, but he's got bigger better things to do. So I'm in the first batch of people to go through the program, and I like- not because it's asking me to think about things that I've never thought about before. I've actually thought about marriage enough that my answers are substantial. I like the exercises because they're forcing me to focus and clarify my thinking, and my expectations for marriage. And this is just Step One of eight in the program.

My only (teeny weeny) detraction is that I think we need to do more! Faster! Both because I really (really) want to get married already, and because I'm an action oriented person, I need something going on in order to keep working on the program. We discuss a new module every 3-5 days (it's supposed to be 2-4, but 3-5 is more like what I've noticed).

So, yeah. Practimate rocks.

In related but different matters, I had the most awesomest dream yesterday. This was after going out to eat with my family, on my sister's birthday. Happy Birthday Toto! But anyway, so I came home and went to sleep and... dreamt. Of a person I won't name. And I was mad happy when I woke up (before Fajr!).

Because dreams can be suggestive of the future, I don't want to tell the details. But I do have a question. When a dream is awesome, how do you follow it? Do you just wait and see what happens? Or do you act on what you saw? I feel a very strong urge to do a particular thing based on this dream. I mean, I woke up and prayed the urge to go do this was so strong. MashaAllah.

And when is a dream just, you know, a dream?

peace
TwennyTwo

Plain language, clear choices

Assalamu Alaikum,

Alhamdulillah, it has been a great Ramadhan. I can't and won't complain. I've enjoyed iftars and tarawih prayers, and even 'itikaf. I wanted to do that tonight but looks like it won't happen- I'm being tested by a bad cold. Please make dua'a for me.

As a matter of fact, something happened when I made istikhara that I want to share with you. I don't have a lot of time just now (JW is coming with me to iftar (!) and I need to go pick him up), but let's just say that my prayer was answered, clearly, tacitly, and QUICKLY. Like an hour after I made it. I had no doubts, so this is just me being a witness to the glory of Allah, subhana wa ta'ala. I really feel that I've been blessed with more trust this month, and inshaAllah I'm doing what I can so that I build on it through the year. Someone wrote that our deen is a living thing, that it builds and ebbs, and that this is to be expected. I hope and pray, then, that my ebb does not conquer the heights I've reached. I am happy.

Because my istikhara was answered so clearly I was encouraged and made more prayer and asked about Farhan, who's been around a lot more lately. Please make dua'a that Allah's will be made clear.

I wanted to make a comment on the political situation here in the US of A just now. I wish someone would state exactly what is going on in plain language. While I was an international affairs major in college, I did have to take Econ twice. The second time (I never failed, just fell below my school's criteria for IA majors) I was at home and my father took the time to explain everything in everyday, cost, cause and effect terms that I understood.

So I want the same for this whole bailout deal. Someone, please break it down for me. I feel stupid because this is the one area of weakness for me and it's important- or at least, all over the news. Jazak Allah khair in advance for your comments or pointing to clear resources.

The other thing I wanted to share was the title of a book lent to me by Bro. Leader: 15 Ways to Increase Wealth by Abu Ammar Yasir Qadhi. It's the kind of title I'dve' passed right by but he pressed it into my hand as I was leaving his and May's house after an iftar. MashaAllah, it's awesome- talking about halal and haraam income and how these can lead to big results either way. It's opened my eyes, so I'm recommending it... let me know if you've heard of other books like this, financial or not.


I'm making dua'a for you all- please leave any requests, esp. if I know you personally, in the comments or in my email box. May you all find Laylat ul Qadr with increased ibadah and may your fasts and efforts be accepted by our Lord, amin.

peace
TwennyTwo

Yup. Me.

assalamu alaikum,
,
Yes. Me. And what a ride the past couple of weeks have been.

I did get into the Fawakih program, and it is a lot of hard work! I didn't know how much I didn't know until I began. Wa Allahu Alim. I'm sleep deprived already from the studying. I like most of the people there, and the ones who get on my nerves have good intentions, inshaAllah, so I'm making the best of it and working hard to learn, learn learn! I'm happy even as frantic as I've been to study. You know how it's said that doctors are the worst patients? I'm starting to think that teachers are the worst students, wa audhu billah. This is hard!! I've burst into tears twice during tajweed class, and I don't know why it makes me so nervous. I think my perception that I'm the worst in the class isn't helping, especially when we have to listen to everybody else in the class and then recite behind them. I hate the reading in front of a lot of people, esp. the Sheikh- he's really good, I'm embarassed to read so badly when I really do know how to read better- and my roommate, who is excellent. And full of advice. The other teachers are pretty good as well. The program is so accelerated that I feel that's my major hurdle- what for everyone else in my group is review is new material for me and I'm suffering through, studying hard.

I'm making dua'a for one of the sisters there; on the second day her mother in law was put into the hospital because of an accident. She is so nice, and we were sorry to see her family in such pain when she was already struggling just to make it to the program- she has a tiny baby and two other kids. I look at her and learn exactly what dedication to learning is about. mashaAllah.

Because my boss has control and memory issues, and so forgot to tell me until I was 200 miles away at Fawakih, I'm leaving now to go back to Conservopolis and take care of some urgent work business. I'm very frazzled over this. Gas is super high, and now you ask me to make a four-hour round trip? Plus I'm missing the biggest day of f'il conjugations, and I'll have to do the homework and then drive back tomorrow morning. InshaAllah. The good news is that I get to hear Ustadha Noura Shamma give a talk tonight, and I get to sleep in my own bed. This is major. I probably won't get (or take) the chance again to come back during the month, so I'm taking advantage now.

InshaAllah I'll post again just to talk about what's going on here at Fawakih.

peace
TwennyTwo

InshaAllah, part II

assalamu alaikum,

Okay... so I had said, Ah, well. Marya wouldn't make it to halaqa. It's always a good time learning sooo much mashaAllah.

Still, y'all know I was not trying to miss halaqa on Sunday! I wanted to see if Farhan would make it a record-breaking 3 in a row.

And there I was, laid up with a fever. Feeling TERRIBLE.

So I made dua'a, something akin to, "Please send me down the path You choose, for Your sake.If I need to go, show me how. If I don't, make that the better way to me, amin."

My doctor and my sister had already fussed at me that I didn't need to be out of bed, and I didn't really want to go. I was feeling that bad.
But I didn't want to miss anything good, either. I finally had the new book we're reading at halaqa... and I was starting to be crush-a-licious, all right. Maybe this was a way of telling me to sit my butt down somewhere and chill out. It has happened before.

My fever came down a bit. And then I got up, went into my brother JW's room, and woke him up. "Come with me," I said, "In case I need you to drive because I don't feel good. It's just a movie with lunch at Bro. Leader's house, not the hardcore halaqa like usual." I'd've never been tempted to ask him before, but because he knew I'd been ill...

But JW has been stuck in ahem atheist opinion for some time now. He doesn't like "dealing with religious people", as he puts it; "God is a control mechanism." I've been trying to get him to talk to Bro. Leader or Nerd for a while and he always resists. I thought maybe he'd just enjoy the movie and being around young people. And maybe I really would let him drive the Pimp Car (tm) if I felt really really sick.

This time he got up, took a shower, and came with.

So, yay! I was feeling a bit better, and going to an easy halaqa, and JW was with me.

When we got there, the halaqa was watching an Ahmed Deedat movie, and he's slaying the guest speaker over "Cruci-FICTION" (I actually recommend finding that DVD if you can. It was great. Watching the Christian pastor skate around direct points presented to him every time he spoke. We laughed several times during what could've been a serious, heavy debate). We sat down, and I looked around...Marya hadn't made it. But lo and behold, sitting with the other brothers, Farhan was there.

I don't mean to blow this out of proportion, y'all. Everyone was focused on the movie and what we were supposed to be studying. It's not that I was exchanging burning glances with Farhan across the room. No. It was on the halal. I mean, my little brother and his little brothers were there, with about 7 other people. Including Bro. Leader, who is very very strict about interactions. Nah, it's just that this is very exciting for me. And he Kept Looking At Me. *grin*

At least now I know I wasn't imagining this, because when we got in the car for the first time, JW told me that he knew Farhan was the guy who kept looking at me (I told him to watch on that and see if I was trippin'). And he is like a hawk when it comes to his big sisters. Hmph.

Yes, I did say when we got into the car for the first time. Way to pay attention, you!

Okay, so Farhan and company left early because there was a basketball tournament at the masjid in Conservopolis they didn't want to miss. One of the sisters, the one who said, "You guys look JUST alike, that's amazing" pulled me aside and asked, "Is he (JW) muslim?" And I whispered back, "Not yet! I just want him to get used to the ideas here." Something inspired hope for the day.

JW and I left after the movie was finished. And as we leave, we're chatting, and JW begins with, "I still don't see how you can prove God is real." Ack! And just after we left the halaqa! I tried, I really did, to point out the signs of nature, and the reasons why I believed personally, but then I said, "Wait. I'm not equipped to really really answer your questions, because I don't know enough. But I bet Brother Leader can."

JW proceeded to protest. He doesn't really like to ask 'religious people' these questions. And Brother Leader probably didn't want to deal with him. I countered with the fact that he seemed perfectly fine with letting JW into his house without knowing him. Then I pulled out my phone. "I'm calling him," I said.

So we turned around, after Bro. Leader invited us back to his place to talk things out. I stuck around to hear the beginning of the discussion, about why the universe has to have God in order to hold it together. And the complexity of a single strand of DNA, much less any organized being. And how could any of the things we know come to be without a creator. They were off. Good grief, I'm glad I called Bro. Leader, because he's one of the few that could even keep up with JW's mind.

And then I grabbed (an excellent cup of) tea, and then sacked out on the really comfy couch in the formal-ish living room of their house while the kids played badminton in front of me. I was burning up again, so I took some meds, even as I was so excited. Maybe this would be the day my brother took shahada. I drifted off and one of Bro. Leader's awesome daughters covered me with a blanket and they tip-toed out of the room.


This is real life, and there's no ecstatically happy ending. JW didn't make shahada by the time I awakened... but I'm really praying on it. Maybe he will. I know that he and Bro. Leader talked that second time for a good three hours. JW has a lot to think about.

I know I ended up thinking about several things on the way home in the car, saying, "InshaAllah... inshaAllah..." Only if He Wills it. Regardless, I know I'm okay only with that.

peace,
Twenny Two

Something's up.

assalamu alaikum,

Okay, if you were around here yesterday, please excuse that. If you weren't, don't worry about it.

I woke up at 5:00 this morning feeling wonderful. No, really. I wish I could describe the euphoria I still feel now. It's amazing. I feel good! My body feels good.

I spent a few moments in my bed telling myself that it's okay to feel good. That what has gone on the past few months (!) has been a really rough patch.

I'm glad to feel good. You have no idea. But now I know for sure that something is up.

Don't worry. I don't know what it is. But to go from leaking tears all over the place gloomy fog can't make it through the day without a tantrum to waking up at what should feel like 4am (happy daylight saving to you, too) feeling ecstatic with life requires an explanation.

Day ain't over, as my father loves to say. We'll see what the day brings. Meanwhile I'm glad to be happy.

peace
TwennyTwo

girl that i was

peace,

Sometime last month, I should've noted, was my fourth year blogging. Alhamdulillah.

I just went back and read some of those early posts.

Wow.

What I didn't know. About Islam. About the world. About what I'd learn and who I'd meet.

Anyway, thanks for hanging around.

peace,
TwennyTwo

Therapeutic.

assalamu alaikum,


I've come to just accept the fact that I need to be seeing a therapist- or at least someone I can talk to about various issues etc who has to keep them confidential and can help me identify hitches in my thinking and self-control. Yes, that would be a therapist. I asked my halaqa leader today if he knew of some and he said he'd forward the numbers to me.

When I left DC, I knew that being in Conservopolis would help me solve a lot of my financial issues, those related to the cost of living. I thought that I'd be able to put more of my cash toward bringing down my credit debt, and I was right about that. But certain things are causing me distress, and I don't know how to fix them. I see a repeating pattern that isn't cool. Typical example? Aversion to outward organization. I hate. i. mean. utterly. detest. creating lesson plans- which is a problem seeing as how I earn my living as a teacher. I don't like any sort of paperwork at all. What I live for and thrive on is the actual teaching, the more individualized work.

That plus the feeling of being ill at ease and slightly ill for months now, means that something is up.

Worst is that I don't feel comfortable telling that to my family. We've got enough issues as it is. I just don't have the fortitude to tell my mother, for example, that I think I'm totally depresed, that I don't feel I have the time or inclination to do the things required to do my job well. Keep in mind that naturally my family draws a lot of parallels between me and JW. He just came out of the hospital and is fighting taking his meds still. I know something is not right, and I do talk the day-to-day things out with my mother, which is an absolute lifesaver, but I'm just reluctant to tell her that I think I'm slipping and may need more. She told me today that she's recovering, that she feels better, after years of dealing with various illnesses, her own and my grandmother's. I don't want to pull her down now- she's my rock and my lifeboat and it's good to finally see her feeling well.

When it got really bad in portareeco, I went to see the severely overloaded shrink at the teacher's hospital. I just knew that the thoughts I was thinking were a little out of the bounds, that everything was getting messier and a little less sane daily, that I was way stressed. The shrink told me I'd be okay. She gave me pills. I didn't want to take them but when I did, I declare they saved my life. They were samples, and I don't know that she entered all of that into my medical file, but by the time they ran out I was on summer break, a little more able to deal, only working one job, and (though I didn't know it yet) very close to returning to the mainland, which I thought would help. It did, and it didn't, because though being near the ones who understand me best is crucial, it isn't the ultimate fix. I don't know what is. I do know I have to get out of my head.

This blog started as an experiment, on a dare from Sherry, who I don't think even blogs anymore. Come to think of it, she pulled me through when I was going through major blues even in college. She and Anita. Anyway, the point I was going to make is that it quickly became therapeutic. When I was physically isolated from the familiar, I had my friends inside the computer to pull me through. I still had horizons to explore. It helped to just talk stuff out, even if it was inside the computer. No matter how cautious you are and how stiff the boundary with those you don't know, caring comes through. It was very necessary to speak up, let my 'self' be free, examine myself and what's going on and yeah, get to know other people and care for them too. I sometimes felt- and feel- that what keeps me hanging on is knowing that someone out there really truly needs me, cares for me, wants to see me every day. Hmm.

No matter where, when I start shutting down, going inside my head, and talking noticeably less, something is up. I'm working on getting it together. And getting it out a bit more. Of course I'm making dua'a. And asking for more, because of course this is when my level of iman is ebbing. It suffers.

peace

TwennyTwo

"Eid Mubarak!"

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh...

... Eid Mubarak was my reply to the smart cashier at the Tar-jay who wished my a Merry Christmas as a well-thought-out 'afterthought' on 'Eid day. And I wish all of you an Eid Sa'eed as well.

It has been doom and gloom around here for a while, sigh. I'm hoping to pick up the tone. Today gave me hope- it was my mother's birthday (she hit a milestone today, alhamdulIllah!), but was one of the warmest Winter solstice days I've ever seen- we hit 61 degrees! It was beautiful. And the moon shone brightly through hazy dark clouds as we drove back from dinner. InshaAllah better days are coming, and we won't be living in sorrow as much. My brother is well, all praises to God for that.

Me? I'm baking cookies. I'm on break from the academy until the 2nd of January, and from day 1 I've been resting and alternately cleaning. And MYNA camp begins on December 26th! This will be my first time as a counselor, so I'm making dua'a for a good experience.

Now, I promised this to Dictator Princess a while back, please indulge me. I love memes! Gank away if you like this one- you have to answer five questions, and then others can ask for an Interview in comments. Let me know if you want in, and I promise to think up some good questions, inshaAllah.


1. A repeat of a previous question:What do you know now that you wish you had known before you converted? I am not talking about "big bad Islam", I mean like what do you know now that could have made the journey easier?

On a practical level- I wish I'd waited to start observing hijab. That's only because I think I'd've ended up wearing it regardless, but to do it when I did did NOT make my life any easier. Yeah. I really wish that I'd remembered that the most beautiful part of Islam is what occurs inside as a result of what I do outside. I lost track of that. This is a hard question- rarely do I take stock of what I've learned like that.

2. Children scare me to death. You teach several. What would you tell me to be more at ease in their presence?

Honey, be easy! They're sturdier than they look- you won't break them! ;o) Be the adult you always wanted to be around- loving and playful, thoughtful, considerate, listening, yet with limitations and boundaries. Have in your mind the image of each child as an interesting person that you want to know and to show love and affection, and watch how they open to you and you to them. Someone had to remind me not to hide the love I had for my preschoolers- for adolescents, the way to be around them is to still be at ease with yourself, but also be thoughtful and principled. They see adults as examples.

3. Speaking of small children, what do you like about teaching preschoolers versus teaching junior high kids (besides avoiding major 'tude)?

Oh, hmm, I guess I started to answer this in my last answer. I love that the world is so shiny and new with the little ones. I mean... words that rhyme are a big deal to a four-year-old. Snowflakes and rainbows are awesome to them. They wonder if Allah mixed in extra chocolate when He made black people. That kind of thing. I get to revive my sense of wonder in the Creation of Allah with preschoolers. That, and they are pure love, not afraid to hug or say hi, they rarely hide their emotions and they aren't deceptive at all. Jr. high kids are just getting into being adults, thinking, and taking action, so you have to think in steps ahead of them in ways that you don't need to do with pre-school.

I love them all for different reasons.

4. I know why it was important to me to find a French-speaking Hombre. In this post you mentioned you would like to have a Spanish-speaking Hombre. Why?

Well, I need to start off saying that's not an ABSOLUTE UNCHANGING REQUIREMENT or anything. But yes, I think a Spanish-speaking Hombre would be nice. I'm a Hispanophile, raised speaking the language and tasting and incorporating the culture into my manner and way of thinking (to a degree). It'd be nice to find someone who understands that part of me- that I'd want my children to learn Spanish as well as English and Arabic as home languages, that I can and do pronounce the rolled r and accents flawlessly, that I fix some mean arroz con habichuelas but still can't make coquito. Spanish language and the attending cultures are my first acquired love, and my huband would be number 2 in there, so it'd be nice if they could mix. *sigh*. Ojala... Too, Spain is a jumping block between the Islamic and the Western, or it was. I felt the connection was natural.

5. One month all expenses paid vacation anywhere in the world. Where would you go and why?

I'd commandeer a passenger jet and end up in Brasil, after first making stops in Culebra, Puerto Rico (or another similar PRIVATE beach), Malaysia, and Central Asia. Brasil is a passion of mine especially after I didn't go in undergrad for reasons I will not speak of here. Brasil received the biggest portion of the African diaspora and has a good number of Muslims. I speak the language and love the music etc. Culebra is this gorgeous teeny tiny island in the PR archipelago with crystal clear blue water and powdery-sanded beaches that are deserted in many places. I'd like to visit a private island and go swimming in the ocean freely again. Malaysia and Central Asia because they spark my imagination and the people I've met from those places have been some of the happiest and most centered I've ever known. And of course, they're all-expenses-paid- when would I get to do that again in my lifetime?

Thank you for the interview!

Eid Mubarak, y'all!!

peace
TwennyTwo

Still light

assalamu alaikum,


I think that's the biggest change yet. I've gotten so used to saying Assalamu Alaikum that I forget the greeting is for Muslims and wanna go say it to everyone. AlhamdulIllah.

I've been popping in over at Shabana's and Dictator Princess's and UmIbrahim's and Umm Zaid's and Izzy Mo's spots but wanted to let y'all know that not only am I still alive but kickin' and being blessed by Allah subhana wa ta'ala. The months of adjustment have passed. I wanted to blog. I let exhaustion and a promise I made to myself not to complain get in my way.

Case in point: The other day I was up in arms b/c the director of the school told me I can't go to Juma'a at the masjid (RIGHT. ACROSS. THE LOT. not complain'in but dag how close can I be and not go?) because of my responsibility to the kids... even if I got a substitute. I pointed out that no, it's not obligatory on women but at the same time... girls have to miss certain weeks anyway; and as preschool teacher I don't get opportunities to prayin jama'at much anyway (the rest of the school prays dhuhr together daily), and I really benefited from the khutba the day I did go. Then resisted the urge to come up in the twennytwo spot and complain.

SO alhamdulillah today the director copied the khutbah and put it in my box. Every little blessing I can get. Glad I didn't complain.

By the way TAKBIR I have a car! It's huge and white and qualifies for historical plates and alhamdulillah it starts. It drinks gas, but I'm working a 2nd job for that (y'all didn't really think I'd stop working multiple jobs, did you?). I'm hanging out with my sister on a regular, I'm getting to work on time. I won't put the complaints out yet. Y'all will hear them but now it's all about the praise...

Welcome to those in my new community I've invited here. This is me, the real unadulterated deep down thing; inshaAllah we'll talk. To my old friends in the computer, I miss you and iA will be popping in soon.

peace
TwennyTwo

then He answered

peace,

You know, if I were to hear this from anyone else, I'd think it was a lie. It's incredible. Also awesomely true.

Okay, so go back and read the last to understand the attitude of uncertainty and fear I had going on.

This is what has happened since:

Thursday, I attend the opening night of the MAS Maryland Tarbiya and Ilm summer camp. The one I paid for early, even though it put me right at the edge, financially. I'm beginning to understand that I need an Islamic immersion every couple months or so, and this was the way I chose to do it this time.

My ride to camp? Mahmood, he of the speeding foot and fascinating mind. I embarassed myself by keeping him waiting. And then hugging one of my friends while he waited. I don't wanna talk about it. I'll get there.
The relief of camp in part had to do with being in a practically all-female environment, too.

Thursday through Sunday- a whole weekend- camp was focused on self-knowledge and being close to Allah, and featured camp bunks, great (I mean ALHAMDULILLAH great) food, nature walks, and lots of learning and reading. And praying. Learning new dua'a, learning the reasons and protections from them, and praying every prayer plus sunnah plus qiyam on time. It was marvelous. And my personal prayer theme was Trusting Allah. I just wanted/want to get to the point where all that I do is what He wants me to do and all that I want is His way, His will, His light, His love. That was my prayer.

Of course, y'all know me- so I'm sure some of that came out in "Just tell me what to do for You!" format. Anyway.

At the end of Sunday when we're all leaving and turning our phones back on, I've got 10 missed calls. Turns out a director for a private school where my parents live wants me to interview.

I called him back: "I can't interview. My grandmother just died and then I went to a Tarbiya and Ilm retreat; it would be incredibly irresponsible for me to miss any more time, especially for something like this."

His response? "We can meet you on a Saturday."
Yes. Yes, we ended up meeting on the following Saturday after 'Asr (around 5:30 local time at this point).

Those of you familiar with the educational world know that this isn't done. Interviewing a teacher on a Saturday?

So I rent (with many attempted interventions from shaytan- remind me to let y'all know why you shouldn't use Pric.eline EVER for car rentals) a car and drive the 520 miles to my parents' house, shower, and meet the director and the vice principal at the school.

This is when I bust the superduper list of questions/reasons why I can't and shouldn't take this job.

"I had a license in Puerto Rico, but it wasn't for this state. I no longer have it; and I've never worked with pre-schoolers before. I don't know if I could take this position without licensing prospects."

Response? "There are four $35, reimbursed classes you need to take in order to get the preschool provider title. As a former EMT, you already are familiar with 3 of them, and the fourth on child abuse recognition is part of your previous training as well. The school holds that license. In addition, if you get a master's degree in education, since you already have many of the credits, we can fast-track you to the private school license. If you want the full state license, and still need some courses after you check that out at the local university, we offer up to 50% of tuition reimbursement for your courses with a limit of a certain amount, of course."

Yeah. That took me a sec to get. But then...


"I don't have the money to move on the spot, especially if you want me to be here and teaching in three weeks. I give a final exam in two weeks, and I"m obligated until then. "

Response? " We've given you top salary for a new teacher, with insurance beginning the day you'd arrive in the city, plus full relocation expenses. We'll give you a day or two around the first date, we understand you'd be moving and all."

RELOCATION EXPENSES? From a SCHOOL?! Y'all better say mashaAllah.

"I don't have a car. And after the bereavement and burial of my grandmother, plus all the travel before her death, my fam won't be in position to help me get one. My getting here daily might involve my being here at the masjid as early as 6:30 AM and then as late as 6:30 PM every day. I don't want to take this job knowing that I may not be able to get here on time every day. What you're paying wouldn't quite be enough for me to handle a car payment."

Response? " Well, let's look through the teacher files and see if anyone is close to you, who ought to be able to carpool... 12312...12345-"

"Wait, 12345? That's my parents' zipcode! What street?"

The street the director reads is the one right behind my parents' house. He offers to call that teacher and ask her about carpool arrangements. We're all pretty sanguine at that point- if she wants, she doesn't even have to pick me up. I can walk to her house even if there's a foot of snow outside, no problem. And I can help with gas, too.

We go to visit the classroom and I ask a ton of questions, all which are answered by the vice director, who's awesome- she's leaving to move to Jordan. She tells me quite enthusiastically how great life as a muslim is in my parents' town, and reassures me that I'd have a connection to the youth through one of the teachers at the school, who's big into MAS and knows a lot of other young ladies.

The director reminds me that he'd love to meet my parents, esp. my mother, as I leave the school. He's given me a printed copy of my contract outlining all the terms including salary and the expected amount of relocation expenses, pre-signed by the director of the masjid's school board.
I'm dazed.

I go home and discuss with my parents. My father isn't thrilled that I'd be back- but on the other hand, as I let him know, my primary purpose in moving would be to teach, while living such that I can knock out the Puerto Rico debt once and for all. Then I'd be off to nursing school with the advantage of not having to work and being able to live on scholarships/loans if I need to do that.

The kicker? After I'm back in DC, exhaustedly teaching 3 sessions per day at the little English school that could, I get a call from the director of the school. He's offering me a position with a woman who'd pay me $25 per hour for about 2 hours of tutoring for her kids in English daily. With that, he says, about $500 per month over my salary, I could actually afford a car. He goes so far to say that his goal is to have me possibly driving before school starts the last week of August.

And to me, that means I could potentially begin education classes at the city's state school. With a car in working order- and $400/month would get me a great used car, inshaAllah, not to mention new (but I refuse to finance that much if at all possible)- I could get to and from night classes without running my parents nuts.

That's when I said subhanAllah. I was praising God from the minute I got the calls at camp, but this has been one pointer after another, leaving me no choice but to choose this. I mean, I'd be working at a recognized Islamic school, with children at an awesome developmental age. I'd be given the chance to knock out an oppressive amount of debt and live with my family while I do so. I'd be near my mother, who has just lost her mother and craves family. I've been given the chance to redeem and renew myself.

SubHanAllah.

There are still kinks to be worked out; everything is not hunky dory. I had just found a Qur'an teacher in a sister (ummm okay I'll call her Sis H.) I met at camp; so many friends I have are here. I dont' know what's up with Mahmood. ( when I asked sis. H. about being crush-a-licious, she agreed to ask the fam if he's looking to get married...!!!) Issues with taxes from PR are still trying to follow me around; I have to clean my room tonight (yeah) and find someone to take over my lease, lest I be stuck with $650 rent for a place I wouldn't be using and can't afford to hold. But after the blessing of this week... I refuse to be worried. I will just do everything in my power to be responsible enough to get to Ohio and start working for Him there.

I mean... I yelled a question. I asked. And I got a definite answer to act on. How real and good and true and awesome is God!! Takbir!

Allahu Alim, wa alhamdulIllah al haqq.

peace

They got him.

I'm no longer working there and the drama is done. I was considering working for this org after everything was finished. I doubt it. Right now I'm just tired.


They got him.

Friday I left the office at 2PM never to return, sad and worried that my intern would have to deal with someone I saw as a predator who doesn't know how to treat women. But after warning her, I could do no more. So I left.

Saturday was my last day working for that organization (I helped with a training that I started). When I talked to my direct supervisor as she came in to relive me (after two sleepless nights, really) she let me know that the reason the alarm had been changed on our building that morning was that they'd had to let that man go. Apparently he'd left some graphic pictures (!!) on the common (!!!) work (!!!) server. They were found, and it had to have been right after I left that he was summarily dismissed.

So thank you to everyone for your dua'a and watchfulness on that situation. I feel as if a weight has left me. I no longer have any problems with leaving that place. And as my former direct supervisor noted, the org. is in a hard place over staffing. It's no longer my problem at all.

peace
TwennyTwo

peace,
Found this on Umm Zaid's page as I was browsing, and enjoyed it. She asks five questions; everyone gets to see the answers. Want in? See below!

1. Puerto Rico: What do you love about it?

Ayyyyy, what a question. This is what I love about Puerto Rico: I love the people. I revel in the humid, tropical, ever-changing, beautiful, warm weather (and lack of deciduous trees with their hyperallergenic pollen). I enjoy "long" drives just drinking in the changes from blue sea to dry desert to lush green cool mountains. It's truly a beautiful place, even in the slums of the city you find beauty and green
things growing everywhere. I love the song of the coqui, something I'll never forget that will always conjure up velvet nights spent talking with some of the brightest, kindest, industrious, most generous people I've ever met. I love the typical boricua accent and the mixture of Caribbean, Africa, USA, and Spain that you can dissect... and yet not... in everything you find there. I can't get over the way the island appears in my dreams. I love Puerto Rico for her revolutionary history and her ripe potential.

I noticed you didn't ask what I don't like, so I will keep this positive. There are so many things that can change, but many many that are wonderful.

2. You're on a desert island. You have 10 books. What are they?

Not counting the Qur'an?


Whoo! This is hard! I've loved so many books. In no particular order:

The collected works of Nikki Giovanni

A Tafsir (one bigole volume)

Blessings by Anna Quindlen

Hija de La Fortuna by Isabel Allende

the Logan Family saga by Mildred D. Taylor (hmmm is that a cheat?)

any of the books by any one of these three ladies- Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, Esmeralda Santiago, or Julia Alvarez- preferably in Spanish. I just can't pick and am so happy with them all.

Companions of the Prophet by Abdul Wahid Hamid- this has been an amazingly involving read, yo

any of Diane Mott Davidson's Goldy series (cooking sleuth, gotta love it)

La Sombra del Viento/The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos R. Zafon

Believing as Ourselves- J. Lynn Jones

booo only ten?!

3. What do you think you'll do this summer?
InshaAllah apply to nursing schools and high(er) paying, character-suitable day jobs. Have a birthday. Oh, and work at da Grocery Store nights. Find a way to get to ADAMS or other classes consistently. And pray on my roof under the stars while I have it ( lease is up in October). And maybe even learn Arabic? Hmm. So many possibilities...


4. Do you play games on the computer or regular video games? If so, what are your faves?

I actually don't play games on the computer- blogs are my games, since the only computer I have (okay, had) regular access to is at my day job. But back in the day I loved Zelda on SNES and Castles on the computer. I still play bejeweled and Collapse and Tetris on my cell, very rarely.


5. The state of Muslim youth: What do you see as positives for the future and what do you see as negative (for the community as a whole) in our future? What do you think we should be doing right now?

Beginning with the end, we need to be constantly, steadily getting people invested and involved in working on our educational systems, both what's thought of as 'true' pedagogy- the schools- and the outreach and educational capacities inherent in the gathering spaces that are our masajid.

Islamic schools need to be options that won't break people and are open to the general public, even those who aren't Muslim. They need to grow in enrollment and strength of curriculum every year. They need to be American, not "backhomelandish", since that's where we are and that's who these children are, and prepare them to live as Muslims within an American society, not to ghettoize or isolate ourselves. It's a balancing thing. This is an ideal, remember. And schools need to have people involved from the community as a whole just as GP, not just parents/grandparents, in order to have a further source of investment and push for the future.

As I was raised in the awesome community institution that was a strong black church (though it had its flaws I also know ideals because of it), I have in mind just a hint of what our ummah in the US can become if we utilize these outreach and communication tools properly. This begins with outreach that accepts and encounters people in the places where they are- be they into drugs, teen parents, all about the outer flash, superficial Christianity, etc.- in order to use the rational questioning that is such a basis for Islam to bring them closer to the light, without entering personal judgments into the picture. Become that great, good place with all sorts of people and knowledge of the deen and also area services, where everyone just naturally wants to be all the time because there's something that nourishes them there.

I am NOT saying give up Islamic ideals in order to approach young people; I wouldn't want to see brothers in silk and gold bling around young folks in order to 'do as they do' and make them feel comfortable. Rather, provide charity and examples to them in various ways (food, community fairs? 'Muslims in the Recording Studio/on the Radio events for youth? some sort of latin/northeast asian oriented activities? more things like Project Downtown, which is awesome, MashaAllah? Stoop Group youth meetings that aren't necessarily inside at the masjid, but in a park around where people actually live? Job fairs open to all but heavily recruiting to Muslim business or providing Muslim mentors to young people? I'm sure y'all have more ideas...), and live Islam, while going to find people where they are in order to have them accept where we are and in seeing prosperity and peace, have them want to know about it of their own accord. That's dawah that can change communities, and what I'm talking about is hard work.

I hope that made sense. It's hard to articulate what I see in my head.

Now, as for negatives in the community, from domestic to international- a substantial reason the american youth of the ummah don't have a whole lot of cohesiveness is the divisions and stereotypes fostered by our parents. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Many of us are handed the misconception that Islam cannot be US, cannot be American, cannot speak something besides English and Urdu/Arabic, can be American only if of backhomelandish descent. Not cool. Also? For the lack of the strong Islamic school alternative and parental ability to be everywhere at once, a lot of us are treading very fine lines on societal norms instead of creating them ourselves. And we don't know more about Islam than what's heard in the Khutbah on Fridays, because those of us who do are pushed to be more 'backhomelandish.

I'm not articulating this well, but the speaker at EZ on making our mark on Islam hit it when he said that we need to be useful to our community, to feel as if we're contributing with the uniquenesses that we're allowed to explore in the freedom that growing up in the USA creates, in order to attach ourselves to Islam here, make it our own, and see it grow. The short message was, don't all be doctors and lawyers and marry your own color/race/class/country of origin, because we need to branch out to be truly expanding here. Because right now we're stagnating and from denouncing Islam to being nominal Muslims to raising children as Muslims with haraam norms, it's not okay.

I will say this, though; Islam still has a draw for young people, and the few conferences that I've attended and the people I know bear that out very strongly. We're youthful and find strength in that, and we're of the generation that takes freedoms and uses them, and uses power in a very organic, natural diversity of Islam. I think I said some time ago that I was talking to a 19 year old Muslim at a university, just randomly, and was blown away- he was one of a group of kids in that particular place that not only had ideas but was acting on them. Entrepreneurship is our heritage, as is the willingness to get ahead and pull others up, and when young people aren't actively discouraged we come up with some wonderful ideas AND actions..


Thanks so much for my interview, I enjoyed it and inshaAllah someone will benefit from it. JazakhAllah khair.


Want to play?
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions (so you have to leave a valid email address). I get to pick the questions. And yes: email. Leave your address. I don't use haloscan, so use (at) h@tma!l, or other creative way to say it. I'll delete comments with emails.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

peace
TwennyTwo

telephone call

peace,

I don't think this is going to be a very coherent post, but I think it's going to be a very long one. If you know me, you may want to avert your eyes. My natural frankness has been suppressed and I"m letting go.

I wish I had a telephone and a friend to call. I mean, I have both of those things but neither fits the bill, y'know? I guess that's why I blog. I'm not feeling very secure right now, but I am feeling tired and lonely and um. not privileged. Things I need to talk out. I've got so many blog entries stored up in my head it's ridiculous. SO I'm at my job after hours (which I was fussed at severely for doing last week) and instead of doing my taxes (which I've been trying to do since I had all the papers together in FEBRUARY, mind) I'm getting all those entries out in bits and pieces.

I went to the MSA East Zone conference this past weekend. I enjoyed it. Meeting so many young Muslims was very cool, inspiring, etc. So why am I frustrated now? I'm not sure.

We drove down to Florida, mashaAllah while it was snowing up here, I was soaking up some warm sunshine. My executive director essentially told me that I HAD to take a break. I really was stressed out, to the point where I got sick with the phlegmy-congestiony-hoopalahpa on Wednesday, before we left on Thursday.

Ooh, on Wednesday, we had the greatest meeting up at this One Local University (OLU) with a name similar to AlmaMater's. We met with higher-ups in their department of education, to discuss developing our test. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I'm mad excited to see my hard work paying off.

I wish that were the only thing I had to focus on. I'm not happy with my job and REALLY not happy that I had to cancel the interview I'd scheduled for today at another place. Now someone'll come along and tell me to just bear it, that the few fun/fulfilling moments are those I"m lucky to have. I'm not supposed to like my job. Am I crazy for wanting to be happy with my work, even as I work to improve? I think I'm in the wrong field... but definitely in the wrong office.

I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take the loans and go to nursing school or something. I've got to get going on what I KNOW will be what I want. I need a change. I'm restless. I'm not quite depressed but not happy and not normal. Just kinda bleh. I'm not meeting my goals, I feel like I'm marking time.

Back to East Zone. Last time I went to EZ was four years ago, and it seriously inspired me in my pursuit of Islam. SO I was disappointed that I didn't get as much out of it this year. I'm sure that had to do with the fact that I"m four years older and the entire time I was there I was hanging with a crowd of peeps a bit younger than I. While it was fun socially, I feel like it didn't do much for my deen.

It helped me realize something, though: I have got to get married.

Y'all have heard this before. I know. Hell, this thought goes through my head every day. Know how people say folk can think about sex up to every seven minutes or seven seconds or something like that? Well, yeah, that and making my life with another person to learn with and pray with and fight with and live with and love with there by my side. Only the most important drives are enough to take up your consciousness every seven minutes, right? I grew up with the New Testament refrain resounding in my head, "better to marry than to burn" and I'm getting to the point where I feel like burning is an inevitable and immediate part of my future and I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY.

This is a sore point.


One night as we sat on our slippery satin hotel covers, feet swinging between the beds, I was talking to Leila, a roomie at the conference. And we'd had a couple of sessions that day about marriage in Islam and 'assisted marriage' as opposed to arranged marriages (um, the upshot of the "You had me at salaam" session? one, you tell your parents what you want, the other they tell you what you want, but in the end they do the majority of the picking, and NO Dating Allowed as is halal of course. Big waste of time for me, but whatever) as well as "communication between the sexes" (that one was really meant for married couples though they didn't say so until we were all in the room and seated, but I gleaned some helpful things out of it) and I asked Leila, (wow, this paragraph is really train of thought, huh?) "how do you think you'll get married? Traditional, or American (those were the catchphrases we were using)?

She and the other girls had been interested in my question- they wanted to know, what did I want to ask them so badly? See, during the session with Imam Magid (yeah, we went all the way to Florida to hear sessions by Imam Magid, which ended up good in that I got to bend his ear about something that has been bothering me about ADAMS, but why did I have to go to Orlando to do all that?) and Dr. Yasmine, I sat in the front (but I always sit in the front, that's nothing new) and then when the Q/A session came, had my hand allll in the air, waving it around, etc. Finally, when the guys started bringing up questions that they'd written on note cards, I busted out my green pen and wrote my own question. Now, the moderator (and also the daughter in law of Dr. Yasmine the speaker if that mattered) had given me the 'nod' as if to say, "you're next", but then ignored me, and when I took my question to her, they both ignored it as well. The girls sat several rows behind me, so they saw me get up, they saw the other girls get up and take their questions and have them answered, so all these hours later (it must've been 2AM by the time Leila and I got to this question) they wanted to know.

I asked :

"How would you advise young people who really want to get married but have to go through the process "family-free"? I'm a convert, but I'm also thinking of kids who have very little interested family or people who are more practising than their parents."

Do y'all know that question was completely ignored in the general session?

I don't give up easy, in fact I'm pretty well known for the way I Keep. Asking. Questions. until I get an answer on the things that matter to me. So I went up to Dr. Yasmine after the session and asked again. Of course, she pointed out the "Adopt an Auntie" suggestion that she'd made early in her speech. My problem is that I've done that, and it hasn't worked. I either ended up with nothing to show for it b/c the 'aunties' were either lazy or very very picky on my behalf , or I got hooked up with the dishonest men who were out for mut'a marriage(ASTAGHFIRULLAH) or second/third wives. Or the former jailbirds.

Man I was so discouraged. I thanked the sister because she did give me her card, and I'm writing her, but...
I'll get back to that in a second.

That night I really envied Leila the ability to respond as she did, in part: " I don't think there's anything wrong with going from my father's house to my husband's house. My dad... Islam is his life," she said, saying that he reinforced with her that it was always her choice, because that's mandated by the Qur'an. Her answer was that she might very well go the traditional route, but that her father (her mother died, may she have peace) told her that if she finds a man who's nice, and they get to know each other in a halal way, then he'll accept that too. Basically she said that she'll be married young, and that while one side of her family wants to push her to do the independent woman, own apartment, make money etc. thing, she's not into it, her dad agrees that she shouldn't have to, and she's lucky to be able to choose that and feel tis a legitimate and acceptable choice.

I... how to explain how I felt? I didn't quite envy her, because I was happy that her situation allowed her to do that even as mine pretty much completely excludes that. But felt a kinship in the certainty that she had that getting married young was going to be her choice and the right choice for her and she was fine with that even if it was against the mainstream. I think she's really lucky to have her father be allll about supporting her in an Islamically correct choice.

I'd told her that the reason I'd asked that question is because my parents are the opposite; my father still mentions the days of when I told him I wanted to graduate college and get married right off with disgust. You know how people kind of save things up to throw at you later during an argument? That's how I know how he views it. And I mean, yeah, for him, secular/Christian him, why go to college if you're going to get married right away? Why waste your brain in your youth by having kids right off? You can have sex anyway, people shack up and no one seems to stop them, so the idea of getting married so early is one that gives disgust. I don't agree but I know how he thinks.

My mother also pulled away from the idea of helping me search for different reasons- I think it's against everything she knows. The idea is foreign and uncomfortable. And yeah, some of it has to do with my issues; when I told her I don't date (still don't, heh, every attempt went disastrously, remind me to tell you about that sometime- let's just say that I dont' like it for now) she asked, "But, Twenny, if you don't date, how will you find someone? How will you know how that person is?"

Typical American argument. I guess I find it illegitimate because I feel if people who know both parties well do the search, and both parties are allowed to know each other well enough to truly consent to the marriage, then, you can get married without sharing a lot of the, what, fitna? that comes with girl/boyfriendhood here in the US dating culture. But later in that conversation she also let me know that I need to open up a little. I am very guarded with men, and with my feelings in general. For some people spending too much, or appearing with a hair out of place in public is their big deal, the thing they guard against- for me, well, I don't like having my trust or my emotions betrayed (yes, no one does, but for me it's that thing, and I'll get over looking crazy in a random picture before I forget exactly the circumstance under which I was hurt. I'm working on it, but at the same time it's been that way as long as i can recall.) Ain't that many people who know me, the real me, and not the images I project. I'm changing that, but what she said was that it was keeping me from getting dates, which is part of the point of my facades.

So, since I've been 19, I've not lived in the same city of my parents, where I grew up, for more than 2 weeks at a time. I only say 19, because I did spend the summer after freshman year there. Which is why I haven't done it again. The problem is probably me, not my parents or the city (it's kind of ridiculous to say a whole city is an issue with you, right?), but at the same time, since that first summer, the acquaintances I did have largely left the area, and I've always reached my limit at about 2 weeks.

SO my question really went... not unanswered but unfulfilled and I'm still asking. All the women (heck, and the men but they have much less of an issue from what I've heard, correct me if I'm wrong, please)

Leila and Reea and I also discussed the lack of an 'Alim (spelling, y'all?) at the MSA EZ conference. This was a picking point for both of them. So I had to ask what an alim is and then I let them explain why this was such a big deal. See, the point of one of the conference sessions went something like, "Americans, and Muslims: making your mark on Islam" or similar, and the speaker there was AMAZING. He was talking bout the infrastructure of the USA and how we as muslims can't do everything our community needs if we only educate ourselves to be doctors and lawyers, because those professions among others feed into some non-islamic conditions already tearing down our people here. His great example was about the doctor who wanted to provide free care. If Islam requires us to give charity and that can and should be time as well as money, then, wow, he was doing a great thing,r ight? He was fired, because American systems are set up to be all about money. Not that that's wrong, but it's not an islamic system, and to build up islamic ideals in this country, we've got to be able to branch out to provide all types of expertise and alternatives that we need. While that was interesting, the point Reea and Leila made was that this brother came with the hardcore evidence from the Qur'an and hadiths. Yes, multiple. The girls said (and I reflected and agreed) that he was really the ONLY speaker on a semi-secular issue who kept what he said Qur'an based and Islam focused, instead of stating an ayah at the beginning or end and tying their professional expertise to it instead of explaining the expertise from the Islamic bases (if they existed). Leila went so far as to say that they should've brought an alim over, which brought my original objection that this is an american conference, don't we have alims (alimeen? alimat?) here? She said yea, there're schools for that, but the point is that the deen-intensive learning wasn't there.

And we all agreed that there needs to be another version of EZ- but this one needs to be deen-intensive. No competition for the Qiyam ulLayl or the doing dhikr outside with Imam Zaid Shakir (I'm Still Mad I missed that one, since I'd've preferred to be there instead of where I was but it was rather hush hush).

There were also some pretty funny things going down. I got called "Mom" by like half the peeps from DC region. Not sure why- I think b/c of my OC tendency to be super prepared, so I had like this huge bag full of food in the car... but also how I had a blanket when we stopped to pray along the way and the gazebo had bird poop all over the floor...and how I'm big enough for Elle to jump all over me and hug me and shriek, "Moooom!" without completely falling over and how it wasn't a thang for me to go up to this guy one of the girls wanted to talk to and be like, "Ey, son, you tryna get married?" (No, I wasn't that ghetto, but yes I did that. He blushed his way through that one, gave me his fb name, so that I could find out there that he's with some girl named M___e- dude, I was straightforward with you, guess you're shy?) Hi-LARIOUS. I also got the same girl to get the info of a guy (Okay, his name was like Munawar? Minabar? I'm terrible!) who caught my eye, but I don't know if he knew it was for me. She was vague about this. Hmm.

Not everything was so focused. I met an amazing woman who is cubana, a convert married to a born muslim, and was there with her three (hiskool/college aged) kids, all of whom were awesome, mashAllah. She's been Muslim for 30 years and married for 22, and she knew EXACTLY what I'm going through. It was such a relief to meet someone like that. You have no idea. I adopted her on the spot, but she lives in Southern FL, boooo. Email shall have to suffice. I can't tell you how awesome it was to meet her though. I don't want to give away too much info , this blog is public, but it was definitely ironic the way I met her. We ended up chit chatting in Spanish- at least until my "child" Elle interrupted. I did some shopping and now officially own enough hijabs to make it through the summer without the pashmina that kept me through the cold winter. Yay! I also bought these books, Companions of the Prophet, that are an amazingly good read. I got pretty absorbed into them on the way back and it's my subway companion now.

The trip up and back was long but rewarding, at least on the way back. On the way down I totally slept most of the way, since I had that hoopalahpa thing going and was drugged up. I figured out about halfway through the first day of the conference that the drugs were hurting more than they helped. So we did the leg down with me (yeah, 6'2" me), Elle, and Leila in the backseat, and Mahmood and Neal in the front driving. Eh. Halfway through I was shrieking and demanding to be let out to stretch my joints- my knees were on fire- but other than that, it was your standard long road trip. I"m almost immune after years of 13-hour trips between Ohio and Alabama as a kid.

On the way back, Talib and the other drivers had done some switching around to allow for those who wanted to get back to DC Metro area earlier and those who wanted to go to Universal Studios. The in-betweens fell in my car: me, Mahmood, and Reea. I started in the backseat, but was so uncomfortable that both Mahmood and Reea suggested that I moved to the front. Mahmood hadn't talked much on the trip down, and I'd arranged my trip in 'his' car by email through a friend of a friend, so I didn't really know him and thought he was a kinda strict but good-hearted person, who cracked crazy jokes in emails, one who didn't socialize with women but was nice enough to give us a ride since we all needed one. Y'know, fisabilillah.

Naturally though I wanted to ride in the front and not be in agony allll the way back to DC, I didn't want to make the driver of the car uncomfortable, so I was cool with staying in the backseat and making him stop ever so often so I could stretch. So I was suprised when he goes, "Well, most girls are more comfortable riding in the back seat..." when Reea said that basically he'd become our driver since Neal went to Disney. HA! I'm not nor have I ever been most girls. I jumped in the front.

I almost wish I hadn't, though. Fifteen hours, eight lecture tapes, a bucket of chicken ,one $350 speeding ticket and countless exchanged words later, I've got a crush on Mahmood. SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Reea was in the car. So so glad.

That hadith about shaitan being the third when a man and woman are alone? Dude, I used to dismiss it, then I believed but academically, but, y'all, Sis. TwennyTwo has seen the light. Especially since this is no one I had even thought about thinking about until we were almost at the end of the trip. Beyond not my type (actually, he's short, dresses like whatever, otherwise he's smart and up on news, knows a lot about Islam, a great qari, even Reea said we share a sense of humor... hey wait! I'm supposed to be convincing myself NOT to like this guy! Gotta stick with the program!) And prolly (inshaAllah) I won't be thinking him about once the memories of the trip fades. And especially since I had the most embarassing and foul... um... breaking of wind... right as I was getting out of the car. HORRIBLE. Horrible. QUE VERGUENZA! After I'd called a male friend for directions from my house to Reea's university in the district at 3AM- (my friend D for those who follow the blog at all) and he answered my call. I imagined that didn't look too good either. Mahmood was all, " Thanks, D, now TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!" in a funny way, of course. And Reea thought I was saying "dad", not "D", but they were both profusely thankful even as I know they were wondering, "What kind of friend answers phone calls at 3AM?"


So ha. No liking of Mahmood.

geesh.

Some of y'all remember the crush of a couple weeks ago. I found out that he was just playing. I still talk to him, but much less than before. Someone said something during one of the conferences- something like,

See? Witness the above. I have my issues- I realize I like someone and then either wait for him to say something or try to convince myself that what I think /feel isn't real, or that I need him to validate it from his side of things. I tell myself that it's not there and it's not that deep if it is.

At the same time, I know what I want- I want to be married. I think I'm sabotaging myself. At least I'm having some fun while doing it, but yo, I'd rather not do it!


Wow, I've been writing for two and a half hours, this is going to be one heckuva post. I didn't even get to tell y'all how I met Baba 'Ali (nope, Ididn't take a picture, but there's now a challenge to me in there) or about how close I am to quitting my day job... yeah, I'm still singing that song. But it'll have to wait, my Lord and 'Isha prayer and then my house call me. Insha'Allah, soon.

peace
TwennyTwo

Testimony again

peace

A testimony:

The housing choice was as follows: room with 2 women in Rosslyn, or room with one man in the area where I live now- but even closer to my job; right across the street, in fact. Which was really no choice at all,- I like Rosslyn and it's on the train line, if a bit more expensive- until I got the call that the girls in Rosslyn would need a co-signer, or IF their roomie agreed, she'd stay on the lease and I'd take over her payments. Which meant, that my spot in the room wasn't certain at all. And that if I wanted to know know where I'd be living come next Wednesday, I needed to go with the choice that wasn't a choice, living with non-mahram (very nice christian but NOT MAHRAM, hello) man right across the street from work where I'd never escape.

And I flipped right on out, y'all. Called my mama and flipped out. She was like, "can you meditate? Or pray or something?" My everlasting shame is in my reply which I will NOT relate here. Some of y'all know me in real life.

But anyway, beforehand she'd told me, not understanding the reason for my reluctance, that she'd prefer that I live across the street from my job. When I flipped out I let her know that it's haram to live with a non-mahram man, which she did get when she understood how upset that prospect was making me. "Not proper," she said, "I understand." Because a girl always wants to please her mama deep down somewhere. It killed me when she talked me out of rejecting that option out of hand- I mean, it'd cut out transportation costs, and I'd never have issues getting to work. I just happen to not love my job and also want to really start living all parts of my life the way I'm learning I've been Told To Do.

I have got to remember Who is God and that my best interest is Always to trust GOD always always always. Last night I made istikhara on the housing. I just had to give the choice to Someone else. Today the girls offered me the place again without all the red tape. InshaAllah I'm moving to Rosslyn. God knows best and I know best and now I can do best, too.

Y'all, the relief of that. The inner tension of even considering something that I've NEVER done and that I knew to be haram and feeling forced into the choice by listening to those I trusted. The craziness that comes with not knowing. And the relief of not having to act like I can predict the future. I was so. scared. Looking for other options everywhere, none with the ability to move by next Wednesday. Searching through Muslim friends and ending up with nothing. Trying to "figure it out" myself. Astaghfirullah.

Isha came tonight and saw the tears running down my face. Wow. SubhanAllah. My favorite verse came to mind- Lord willing I'm going to memorize it. Because right now- and always- it speaks to me.

"Allah! There is no god but He- the Living, the Self-subsisting,
Eternal. No slumber can seize Him nor sleep. His are all things in
the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence
except as He permits? He knows what (appears to His creatures as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass anything of His knowledge except as He wills. His Throne extends over the heavens and the earth, and He feels no fatigue in guarding and preserving them for He is the Most High, the Supreme in glory."
Surah al Baqarah 2:255 (trans. by Abdullah Yusuf Ali)

Somebody better say MashaAllah. And even if you don't I'm saying alhamdulIllah for you and all of us. God is worthy, and I will ever turn back and rely on Him. And I don't need to know, as long as Somebody I can trust knows. And that Somebody always knows. Glory. That's my testimony.

peace
me