assalamu alaikum,
fun gregorian date, today.
So I've been seeing people flashing purple on facecrack and tw.itter to protest the suicides due to bullying of gay teenagers. There have been meetings, support groups on campus for graduate students to talk about homophobia.
t'tell the truth, I'm sure of what I think. What I'm not sure of is where I can say that, except here.
First off, hate has no place in my heart. Where I find it, I do my best to work on it and pull it out. And as with most negativity, if I'm pointing one finger at someone else, I've got 3 coming right back at me.
I think that bullying is wrong, no matter who or where it's done. And I think Noah's Dad has a lot of good ideas on how to face both bullies and victims, by the way.
Gay marriage, 'don't ask, don't tell', and suicides by various kids because they're gay bring homosexuality to mind a lot.
Honestly? I don't think homosexuality should be a topic. So if homosexuality is a reason we're letting kids be bullied, keeping people from setting up house legally with whomever they please, and keeping people who want to serve out of our armed forces, that reason is invalid. Sexuality of any type is healthily only one of many important facets of identity and life.
That's NOT the same thing as saying that I think it's right. Is it right for two men to be spouses? Nope. Should they be able to do so if they want? YES. That's their free choice to do so. I don't think it's prudent. I don't think it falls under the rules and religion I follow with my life. But you know what? I don't think it's right that men and women live together without being married, either; we don't stop them with a law or anything else. People should be able to make and follow through with their own choices. I'm even more hands-off when it comes to sexuality; the parties involved aren't affecting bringing anyone into the act but themselves; they're adults and agreeing and consenting; what they do is NONE of my BUSINESS. And you could probably substitute a lot of concepts with sexuality there.
I think that homosexuality in itself is NOT a reason to withdraw or refuse to love or talk to or treat or work with or smile at or be polite to or live around any person. We used to say it so simply when I was a kid: 'Don't hate the player, hate the game.' So many of us forget that. We are called to love for each other what we love for ourselves; and if they don't love these things for themselves... what? lakum deenukum wa liya deen! To you be your Path, to me mine.
And no use asking if, on their part, gay people will stand up for polygyny or the rights of Muslims to have prayer time at work or to cover properly. No use, because it isn't about reciprocity; it's about being able to inspect and respect myself and what's around me, and still sleep at night.
So no, I didn't wear or show purple today; and yes, it's because I live this out day after day.
_________
Today was the televised debate for my congressional district. Let's just say I want the incumbent to stay in. Last election he beat a congressman who I'd loathed for every one of the 14 years he represented Conservopolis. The old guy wants back in. We're in a conservative area, and he's conservative, so he might actually win (retch). If I were being true to my inclinations I'd go and give the new guy a hand; but 18 credits demand all of my time. Yeah.
And now.
Can I just say I HATE the new Law and Order?! I never watch TV, and now I know why! Did they just put the most unoriginal hater story on the new LA show this week? Why did they just get a child to get in a fictional court and say that she had to obey a man? And have her lie for him? And say that as a conservative muslim she had to obey a man she wasn't even married to?!
I will never watch that show again. I'm so tired of people trying to put an image on my deen that doesn't belong. Really.
Please say a prayer for me; tomorrow is the second of two serious tests in two days, and we have two half-hour presentations next week. And I need to resolve a tax situation with Conservopolis AGAIN (apparently it didn't reach the records the first time). Just... patience. I need some renewed supplies of patience and perseverance. InshaAllah I'll get back to the tests and presentations later.
peace
twennytwo
Showing posts with label vida cotidiana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vida cotidiana. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Don't listen, plus, filling the bucket
assalamu alaikum,
I understand why people don't listen to music, I really do.
I don't want to get into it though. Just sayin' that Chrisette Michelle (perfectly okay lyrics... well. Um.) got me understanding that a bit better. A sound I grew up on, with the synthesized soul. Had my life not gone differently it's how I'd be singing.
I'm doing a 'Filling the Bucket' List. Someone over on FB gave me the idea. What do I want to do before I turn 30?
What would you recommend I do before I turned thurdy? That didn't require a whole lot of specific cooperation from others. (Therefore, marriage and kids and their ilk are out. Keep up the adiyat.)
BAM got married today... and NYC supposedly saw a historic snowstorm. I hereby dedicate all my replays of 'If I Have My Way' to Steven and Megan. I won't make further remark after I say, CONGRATULATIONS!
peace
twenny
I understand why people don't listen to music, I really do.
I don't want to get into it though. Just sayin' that Chrisette Michelle (perfectly okay lyrics... well. Um.) got me understanding that a bit better. A sound I grew up on, with the synthesized soul. Had my life not gone differently it's how I'd be singing.
I'm doing a 'Filling the Bucket' List. Someone over on FB gave me the idea. What do I want to do before I turn 30?
What would you recommend I do before I turned thurdy? That didn't require a whole lot of specific cooperation from others. (Therefore, marriage and kids and their ilk are out. Keep up the adiyat.)
BAM got married today... and NYC supposedly saw a historic snowstorm. I hereby dedicate all my replays of 'If I Have My Way' to Steven and Megan. I won't make further remark after I say, CONGRATULATIONS!
peace
twenny
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Beneficent doesn't mean unbiased; Bias doesn't mean bigot
Assalamu Alaikum,
Funny thing about words. Words can do so much. As kids my siblings and I learned that old chant early: 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.'
Untrue, untrue, my now-self calls back to my childhood. I've forgotten most of the scrapes, cuts, bruises I've had, but I clearly remember words and conversations from when I was three years old. And now the potential energy of words is coming to the face of the consciousness of my community and our country.
So the other night, I stayed up until about 4 AM discussing just such an instance of hurtful words. And during the conversation, my words were twisted, biased generalizations were drawn based on another's perception of who I am, and of course I heard my entire race- and then all of the males in my race- maligned and denigrated. I was told that my viewpoint was hurtful, that I insinuated that another person was racist, that I assumed that anyone against me must be racist- but that another's viewpoint was righteous and of course based in reality.
You could say I had a normal day that lasted into the wee hours, really.
I want to get back to that conversation in a moment. By now, since President Obama so graciously used his valuable time and remarked upon it not once but twice, nearly everyone has heard about the incident of Professor Henry Louis Gates' arrest by Seargeant James Crowley. It has been the topic of direct and indirect discussion around the country for nearly a week, now.
I normally don't watch TV at all, but was perusing various reactions and saw this (yes, I know, CNN. Better for domestic racial commentary than the BBC and other international news.)
Tim Wise makes an excellent point:
I think for the most part Mr. Wise hit the target. What I did not hear him say, is that Black folk have biases, too. Everyone has biases.
I have to say that I knew of Professor Gates before the incident, and in my mind he was (and is, really), one of those 'Famous Black Americans'. Ar-um... how do I explain that? When I was a child, my parents and community really worked to instill a sense of foundation that was based on examples of education, determination, and pride from among Black America. I grew up in the '80s and then the '90s, so I really caught the tail end of being raised 'Black and Proud' in the arms of the survivors and the heroes and the children of the 1950's-60's civil rights movement. I have grown into an adult who knows how very very crucial that foundation was.
So I knew about Dr. Gates who was a great social scientist and researcher, and I heard about the news that he taught at Harvard (though to tell the truth, Dr. Cornell West is more famous in my perception), and I was delighted when I returned to DC from PR (so this would've been 2005 or 2006) to catch the first installment of African American Lives on PBS. I knew that man, and I loved that series. (The second series was just as good. Yes, he had Soledad O'Brien beat before she got started, in my opinion.) So yes, I was astounded to hear about the arrest... and at the same time, yes, part of me was about the least surprised person on earth. You see, I knew that Professor Gates is smart and acccomplished; but I knew he is Black as well.
Reference Tim Wise's quote above.
I know all about inherent biases. Believe me, knowing about inherent bias was a theme wherever grownups were from the time I was still young enough to keep my hand grasped in my mother's skirts (she didn't wear pants until I was twelve), still young enough to peek at my father's spades hand from his lap, not old enough to ask questions and be told to stay out of grown folks' bidness. Inherent bias didn't take that term, though. The theme instead was, 'We have to do twice as much to get half the recognition', or 'Got to walk on water; and still these folks will wonder why you don't make yourself a boat'.
As we grew older my mother would go on and on about the importance of being well-groomed and neat. "You're already taller and more noticeable"- meaning because of our chocolate skin- "so you need to look nicer and be more courteous than most". Heh, but she refused to (and probably couldn't afford to, now that I think on it) buy the Donna Karan, the Coach, the Guess, the Jordans to make us fit in- a clean appearance was what counted... sigh. That was my childhood. Then I became an adult, sat with the grown folks, and listened to my aunts and my grandfather trade stories of how "these white folks" would look for any way to get 'us' out of our own success stories. How paper trails are essential, how evidence is crucial; how the least offence can and will be magnified against you. 'Don't forget, you're smart, you're beautiful, and you're still Black', ran the advice of my elders. And then I had a couple of jobs where I found out the truths behind the family lore for myself.
That's not a story for today. Point is, the guests in the video are educating the uninitiated in something that is not a small fact of minority life (and certainly my life) in this country and heck, in this world. Most people act upon their biases; and if you're on the negative/minority/less empowered side of a bias you will see, eventually, those actions based on bias affect you negatively. You can work hard and avoid most of the craziness, but you will see those biases come out against you. Like it or not. The End.
Because I know all about inherent biases, and because of the frequency of their being acted out in the actions and perceptions of those around me, I become less outraged when I recognize them, and less invested in actively correcting the subtle biases. As my Aunt C would say: "I don't have the time." I see this kind of mess all the time, and it's tiring enough just to ignore the subtle bovine scatulation in my way, and stay about my own business. You train the children in your village accordingly, if you have the foundation I do, suck it up and do better than your best, and leave the rest to God.
Until you need to have the conversations that last all night, as I did the other night.
I overheard a friend of mine, a prospective taxi driver, say into his cell phone, "yeah, and I might have to leave Black people", in the context of his conversation, as if to say he wouldn't be picking up Black people. He didn't qualify the statement, didn't say scary looking Black people or thugs, or black and white crazies. He said what he said.
To be frank, I was stung. I was at the house of a very dear friend, and to hear him say that... took me out of my context, where I was comfortable, and into one where I was in a room with someone with those negative inherent biases who had no problem with putting them into play even though I was in his line of sight. Also, the man in question is a brown-skinned minority himself. So yeah, to have him say that pretty much in my face, if not to me, hurt. It was a very 'what the heck?' moment.
We were lucky to have just gone through Maidan's workshop on 'The Art of Prophetic Communication', so those things were fresh in our minds... yes, we used the concepts, especially those of considering the audience and how THEY hear our words.
What followed was an excellent example of what the entire country is doing and thinking and how we're reacting. Because what I said, when he was off the phone, was that for him to not pick up a Black person for the fact that they're Black, was racist. I immediately clarified- not that I thought HE was racist as a person, but that he needed to face the fact that what he said was racist, and that to take that particular action with no other basis, was wrong.
Ayyayyay. He was very hurt that I had called him racist. And he could never be a racist because people have been racist toward him. And he has Black friends! And then I had to say, no, you obviously didn't hear me say that I DON'T think you're racist. And then it became a discussion of words and how he wasn't into vocabulary. So he didn't see anything wrong with saying what he said the way he said it. And I had to sit down and explain it something like this:
I was exhausted at the end of that conversation, but it was so very necessary.
If life were fair, after that very exhausting conversation, I'd've had a Racism-free Day card or something, but alas. I think it was on Racism 101 on the Resist Racism blog that someone said that people of color literally experience racism daily, and that we let 95% of what happens, we let it go.
So then the next day, I had to explain to one of my fellow students in the Fawa.kih program (we had just completed mid-term evaluations of the program) why it is that I was angry, and why it was that it seemed inherently unfair that I should have to go see the teacher after class, and take advantage of the study time, instead of the other way around. Why it was that a LOT of the time, I just 'shut down' and shut up instead of voicing my opinion. It's because I already know that I am bigger than most; that I'm perceived as louder than most (even when I'm not; I do have a trained voice, won't lie), that I'm darker than most. In the USA, in any given situation, someone is more likely than not to already have some perception of me as negative; as a threat, or a danger, or aggressive, or unintelligent. That last hurts me most because I'm here to learn. And I am not a stupid woman. To be dismissed based on the craziness someone has learned to carry in their heads is insane, and if you see me as vocal, understand that I automatically don't say half of what I could and would and ought.
That's my life.
This is a really long post. It's been a while coming, and I may have something to say later. Comments are open and I welcome your thoughts.
peace
TwennyTwo
Funny thing about words. Words can do so much. As kids my siblings and I learned that old chant early: 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.'
Untrue, untrue, my now-self calls back to my childhood. I've forgotten most of the scrapes, cuts, bruises I've had, but I clearly remember words and conversations from when I was three years old. And now the potential energy of words is coming to the face of the consciousness of my community and our country.
So the other night, I stayed up until about 4 AM discussing just such an instance of hurtful words. And during the conversation, my words were twisted, biased generalizations were drawn based on another's perception of who I am, and of course I heard my entire race- and then all of the males in my race- maligned and denigrated. I was told that my viewpoint was hurtful, that I insinuated that another person was racist, that I assumed that anyone against me must be racist- but that another's viewpoint was righteous and of course based in reality.
You could say I had a normal day that lasted into the wee hours, really.
I want to get back to that conversation in a moment. By now, since President Obama so graciously used his valuable time and remarked upon it not once but twice, nearly everyone has heard about the incident of Professor Henry Louis Gates' arrest by Seargeant James Crowley. It has been the topic of direct and indirect discussion around the country for nearly a week, now.
I normally don't watch TV at all, but was perusing various reactions and saw this (yes, I know, CNN. Better for domestic racial commentary than the BBC and other international news.)
Tim Wise makes an excellent point:
Is it possible that Sgt. Crowley, though he is not by all appearances a bigot in any sense of the word, may have perceived Prof Gates’ behavior as more belligerent than he would have, had this been a white person?...
...White folks whether they’re cops or just average citizens, will oftentimes view the behavior of black people as more negative, more dangerous, more aggressive even more criminal than they would the very same behavior engaged in by a white person. And they don’t do that because they’re bigots or racist or bad people, and they do that because of what are called implicit biases, they don’t make us bad, but they happen. ~ Tim Wise, author of ‘White Like Me’
I think for the most part Mr. Wise hit the target. What I did not hear him say, is that Black folk have biases, too. Everyone has biases.
I have to say that I knew of Professor Gates before the incident, and in my mind he was (and is, really), one of those 'Famous Black Americans'. Ar-um... how do I explain that? When I was a child, my parents and community really worked to instill a sense of foundation that was based on examples of education, determination, and pride from among Black America. I grew up in the '80s and then the '90s, so I really caught the tail end of being raised 'Black and Proud' in the arms of the survivors and the heroes and the children of the 1950's-60's civil rights movement. I have grown into an adult who knows how very very crucial that foundation was.
So I knew about Dr. Gates who was a great social scientist and researcher, and I heard about the news that he taught at Harvard (though to tell the truth, Dr. Cornell West is more famous in my perception), and I was delighted when I returned to DC from PR (so this would've been 2005 or 2006) to catch the first installment of African American Lives on PBS. I knew that man, and I loved that series. (The second series was just as good. Yes, he had Soledad O'Brien beat before she got started, in my opinion.) So yes, I was astounded to hear about the arrest... and at the same time, yes, part of me was about the least surprised person on earth. You see, I knew that Professor Gates is smart and acccomplished; but I knew he is Black as well.
Reference Tim Wise's quote above.
I know all about inherent biases. Believe me, knowing about inherent bias was a theme wherever grownups were from the time I was still young enough to keep my hand grasped in my mother's skirts (she didn't wear pants until I was twelve), still young enough to peek at my father's spades hand from his lap, not old enough to ask questions and be told to stay out of grown folks' bidness. Inherent bias didn't take that term, though. The theme instead was, 'We have to do twice as much to get half the recognition', or 'Got to walk on water; and still these folks will wonder why you don't make yourself a boat'.
As we grew older my mother would go on and on about the importance of being well-groomed and neat. "You're already taller and more noticeable"- meaning because of our chocolate skin- "so you need to look nicer and be more courteous than most". Heh, but she refused to (and probably couldn't afford to, now that I think on it) buy the Donna Karan, the Coach, the Guess, the Jordans to make us fit in- a clean appearance was what counted... sigh. That was my childhood. Then I became an adult, sat with the grown folks, and listened to my aunts and my grandfather trade stories of how "these white folks" would look for any way to get 'us' out of our own success stories. How paper trails are essential, how evidence is crucial; how the least offence can and will be magnified against you. 'Don't forget, you're smart, you're beautiful, and you're still Black', ran the advice of my elders. And then I had a couple of jobs where I found out the truths behind the family lore for myself.
That's not a story for today. Point is, the guests in the video are educating the uninitiated in something that is not a small fact of minority life (and certainly my life) in this country and heck, in this world. Most people act upon their biases; and if you're on the negative/minority/less empowered side of a bias you will see, eventually, those actions based on bias affect you negatively. You can work hard and avoid most of the craziness, but you will see those biases come out against you. Like it or not. The End.
Because I know all about inherent biases, and because of the frequency of their being acted out in the actions and perceptions of those around me, I become less outraged when I recognize them, and less invested in actively correcting the subtle biases. As my Aunt C would say: "I don't have the time." I see this kind of mess all the time, and it's tiring enough just to ignore the subtle bovine scatulation in my way, and stay about my own business. You train the children in your village accordingly, if you have the foundation I do, suck it up and do better than your best, and leave the rest to God.
Until you need to have the conversations that last all night, as I did the other night.
I overheard a friend of mine, a prospective taxi driver, say into his cell phone, "yeah, and I might have to leave Black people", in the context of his conversation, as if to say he wouldn't be picking up Black people. He didn't qualify the statement, didn't say scary looking Black people or thugs, or black and white crazies. He said what he said.
To be frank, I was stung. I was at the house of a very dear friend, and to hear him say that... took me out of my context, where I was comfortable, and into one where I was in a room with someone with those negative inherent biases who had no problem with putting them into play even though I was in his line of sight. Also, the man in question is a brown-skinned minority himself. So yeah, to have him say that pretty much in my face, if not to me, hurt. It was a very 'what the heck?' moment.
We were lucky to have just gone through Maidan's workshop on 'The Art of Prophetic Communication', so those things were fresh in our minds... yes, we used the concepts, especially those of considering the audience and how THEY hear our words.
What followed was an excellent example of what the entire country is doing and thinking and how we're reacting. Because what I said, when he was off the phone, was that for him to not pick up a Black person for the fact that they're Black, was racist. I immediately clarified- not that I thought HE was racist as a person, but that he needed to face the fact that what he said was racist, and that to take that particular action with no other basis, was wrong.
Ayyayyay. He was very hurt that I had called him racist. And he could never be a racist because people have been racist toward him. And he has Black friends! And then I had to say, no, you obviously didn't hear me say that I DON'T think you're racist. And then it became a discussion of words and how he wasn't into vocabulary. So he didn't see anything wrong with saying what he said the way he said it. And I had to sit down and explain it something like this:
Look, I told (my amiga) earlier, that I don't think I could be in the position of a cab driver for exactly that reason; that I KNOW I would have to judge people on their appearance and possibly not give them a ride again based on their appearance. I don't know that I could do that.
But I do know that I have been Black for 28 years now. And I can tell you how it feels to hear you won't pick up a black person. If it weren't for the fact that I wear hijab, I'd STILL never get a cab- I'm bigger and darker than most cab drivers like. And as the lone black person in the room, I have to say that I know that I'm more likely to be the victim of a crime committed by another black person than anyone else here. So yes, I even understand using race as one factor when you look at someone and ask yourself if they're a threat to your safety. I would never ever say that you should do anything against your own safety. You must look out for your safety first and always, and I recognize that.
I also recognize that we must all do that, and we use stereotypes to do so. That's not my problem here.
My issue comes when you don't realize that what you are doing involves racism, and that it's a racist act. One lie does not a liar make; but it's still problematic when a person cannot look at an untruth they've told and know that they told a lie.
AND, when you say for example, that "It's black people's fault that I have to think like that, they've put themselves in that position", first, you're generalizing, and second, you've got your facts incorrect. For you to say that your perception of black people and your acting upon it is the fault of millions of people who don't even know you exist, is racist. Having black friends, black babies, what have you doesn't make what you said any less racist. And when you say it, you're sitting here looking at my skin!
You said, 'It's Black people's fault,' you said, 'Black people put themselves in that position.' But you tell me that it's not the case for me. That's offensive, because my skin is still Black, and I am a part of that group about whom you speak. My skin color didn't change in the last five seconds. If you said 'Black dudes', then okay, great, you exclude me from your racism, but you included my brother and my father. And if you would exclude us, then I'd ask you to stop generalizing based on your stereotypes. And don't delude yourself that what you're doing isn't racist. You have to care about your safety, you have to look out for number one first. But don't tell yourself that just because you're being safe, or even if it is necessary, that you're not doing something that is racist. It is.
You don't have to listen to me, and you don't have to care what I think of you. Because beyond this moment, I don't care- you may very well never see me again, ever. But, I would ask you to take this conversation as a tool and USE your words better. You never know when what we're saying can help you. Because, yeah, I don't think you're a racist person. I also don't want you to believe that because you mean well or don't mean ill, that how you say things doesn't count. It does. And it will. And anything good I have said isn't from me. And if you have taken anything bad from what I have said, it is from me, please accept my sincerest apologies.
I was exhausted at the end of that conversation, but it was so very necessary.
If life were fair, after that very exhausting conversation, I'd've had a Racism-free Day card or something, but alas. I think it was on Racism 101 on the Resist Racism blog that someone said that people of color literally experience racism daily, and that we let 95% of what happens, we let it go.
So then the next day, I had to explain to one of my fellow students in the Fawa.kih program (we had just completed mid-term evaluations of the program) why it is that I was angry, and why it was that it seemed inherently unfair that I should have to go see the teacher after class, and take advantage of the study time, instead of the other way around. Why it was that a LOT of the time, I just 'shut down' and shut up instead of voicing my opinion. It's because I already know that I am bigger than most; that I'm perceived as louder than most (even when I'm not; I do have a trained voice, won't lie), that I'm darker than most. In the USA, in any given situation, someone is more likely than not to already have some perception of me as negative; as a threat, or a danger, or aggressive, or unintelligent. That last hurts me most because I'm here to learn. And I am not a stupid woman. To be dismissed based on the craziness someone has learned to carry in their heads is insane, and if you see me as vocal, understand that I automatically don't say half of what I could and would and ought.
That's my life.
This is a really long post. It's been a while coming, and I may have something to say later. Comments are open and I welcome your thoughts.
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Twenny Ate
assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
I remember on D's last b-day I called and was teasing unmercifully about reaching 28. Teasing based on a faulty premise that I don't subscribe to; mainly that getting older is a bad thing. I have seen enough death and personal tragedy to understand that birthdays are blessings, every single one. They don't have the guarantee that death and entropy do.
Ah, and now it's my turn to reflect on 27.
The other day I was in Rochester, NY for my friend Nene's wedding, which was beautiful, and a lot of fun. I think because I was in a crowd of Black and Latino folk (she's black, he's portareecan) I thought back to my college days. I wouldn't take nothing for my journey, but I still feel the love of the people and culture I met during those days.
My work this year wore me down, but I learned a lot of lessons, mainly that I need to do what I want to do when I want it, based on my own values. You'd think that a 27 year old woman would get that, but ah, the lesson needs drilling. Apparently. I love the children, am grateful to be working with little muslims, but now I know that this is my hatching ground, and that I'm due to fly from it sooner rather than later.
I learned that my body? Is mashaAllah amazing. I finished a half-marathon. I finished slowly. But I finished. I also learned that diabetes is stalking me regardless of all that training... and I'm taking care of myself more. I learned that food isn't my best friend, since I already knew it wasn't my enemy.
I learned that I'm a pig for some love. Family, students, friends- I need affection in doses that others would find smothering. I'm learning to be okay with that.
I remembered skills and joys I had forgotten. I think I'm going to get sick of my gauchos after a while, but the satisfaction of making them with my own hands was wonderful. I can still make killer salted oatmeal cookies, even if I have to eat one and give the rest away. And nothing will ever compare to a long drive in the country and woods at the end of a warm day.
I finally realised that even though I am a child of an age of entitlement, I can make my own dreams come true best when I am serving others. I am happy when I learn that a small advice I lent helped another sister find happiness and some self-reflection. I need to lean on other shoulders. I need to be needed.
Procrastination might be natural, but Allah swt has given us all tools to work against the worst of our natures- and with the best of it. Still up to me to grasp the tools and get to work, though. And now I know that organization isn't just a luxury, but for me it's something worth the battles with myself. I realised that to love the examples in my deen and to increase my iman and to love the nabi I follow is not shameful, but it's okay.
Companionship, true companionship, is something I pray for; thank God for my friends, the true-blue homies, the ones who are in the mud and the glory with me.
Twenty-seven is a wrap. Alhamdulillah, let the games of twenny eight begin.
fimanillah
Twenny Two
I remember on D's last b-day I called and was teasing unmercifully about reaching 28. Teasing based on a faulty premise that I don't subscribe to; mainly that getting older is a bad thing. I have seen enough death and personal tragedy to understand that birthdays are blessings, every single one. They don't have the guarantee that death and entropy do.
Ah, and now it's my turn to reflect on 27.
The other day I was in Rochester, NY for my friend Nene's wedding, which was beautiful, and a lot of fun. I think because I was in a crowd of Black and Latino folk (she's black, he's portareecan) I thought back to my college days. I wouldn't take nothing for my journey, but I still feel the love of the people and culture I met during those days.
My work this year wore me down, but I learned a lot of lessons, mainly that I need to do what I want to do when I want it, based on my own values. You'd think that a 27 year old woman would get that, but ah, the lesson needs drilling. Apparently. I love the children, am grateful to be working with little muslims, but now I know that this is my hatching ground, and that I'm due to fly from it sooner rather than later.
I learned that my body? Is mashaAllah amazing. I finished a half-marathon. I finished slowly. But I finished. I also learned that diabetes is stalking me regardless of all that training... and I'm taking care of myself more. I learned that food isn't my best friend, since I already knew it wasn't my enemy.
I learned that I'm a pig for some love. Family, students, friends- I need affection in doses that others would find smothering. I'm learning to be okay with that.
I remembered skills and joys I had forgotten. I think I'm going to get sick of my gauchos after a while, but the satisfaction of making them with my own hands was wonderful. I can still make killer salted oatmeal cookies, even if I have to eat one and give the rest away. And nothing will ever compare to a long drive in the country and woods at the end of a warm day.
I finally realised that even though I am a child of an age of entitlement, I can make my own dreams come true best when I am serving others. I am happy when I learn that a small advice I lent helped another sister find happiness and some self-reflection. I need to lean on other shoulders. I need to be needed.
Procrastination might be natural, but Allah swt has given us all tools to work against the worst of our natures- and with the best of it. Still up to me to grasp the tools and get to work, though. And now I know that organization isn't just a luxury, but for me it's something worth the battles with myself. I realised that to love the examples in my deen and to increase my iman and to love the nabi I follow is not shameful, but it's okay.
Companionship, true companionship, is something I pray for; thank God for my friends, the true-blue homies, the ones who are in the mud and the glory with me.
Twenty-seven is a wrap. Alhamdulillah, let the games of twenny eight begin.
fimanillah
Twenny Two
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Un poco perdida
Assalamu Alaikum,
I dunno, my soul feels hispanoparlante, so forgive me if you don't read Spanish.
Me encuentro un poco perdida. No, y más que un poco.
Pero, ¿porqué?
Primero, es que siento traicionada. No solamente por el hecho del casamiento del niño, sino porque, otra vez me encuentro aquí, al medio año, sin casarme y sin prospetos en el área de casamiento. Por más que trato de negarlo, de ignorarlo, eso duele, mano. Duele mucho.
Faltan 30 días para mi vigesimo-octavo cumpleaños.
Tambien me siento apresionada de una manera súbtil, lo que me trae hasta la locura. Cuando yo llegue a mi lugar de empleo, lo dije al jefe bien claro: no soy una mujer sumamente organizada. Limpia, sí; organizada, no. Pero por entonces se le ha occurido no menos que dos veces a la mes condenarme por no ser organizada.
Hasta que, ahora no es que no soy organizada sino que me encuentro evitando, escaseando organizar. Primero porque, no sé cómo hacerlo. Y segundo, una llega a resentir mucho los característicos mas comentados, siento que me han dado hasta que sangra sin decir nada y estoy llegando al grito.
Además, me encantan los lugares organizados. No hay nadie que dé cursos de organizacion en universidad, pero eso es exactamente lo que preciso.
En otros lados, estaba hablando con una amiga el otro dia, y mencionó que un matrimonio que ella conozca estan pasando por problemas. Hasta me hizo hacer duaá por ellos, porque yo si intimamente entiendo lo que estan pasando: la mujer pasará muchas problemas en parir, y por entonces el hombre quiere casarse con otra mujer (son musulmanes y no permanezcan aquí en los EEUU). A ella le dará mucho si él tuviera otra matrimonio a la véz, y tampoco quiere divorciarse; él no quiere pasarse de su derecho de tener hijos y no quiere perjudicarle el salud a su primera mujer.
Ayyyyy que caso. Fíjate.
Aprecio mucho que por lo menos mi amiga no mencionó los especificos de la situación, ya que entiendo lo doloroso pueda ser si salga quiénes son.
Lo veo de ambos lados. Me habían dicho alguna vez que no podrìa tener hijos. Imaginate, ser mujer negra, alta, Y¿ esteríl? ¡ NUNCA me casaría! Especialmente en ésta comunidad de musulmanes, tan enfocados en procreación. Estaba muy nerviosa hasta que resolvieron lo que me pasaba. Y, a mi me encantan los niños; siempre he dicho que me gustaría tener a lo menos cinco. (jajaja, y todas mis amigas hasta hoy me dicen... espere hasta que tienes el primero, aver...)
Por eso es que, aunque no soy muy celosa, he caminado en los pasos de la mujer en ese matrimonio, y hice duà que Alá subjanaju wa taàla le resolviera lo que paso entre ella y su esposo.
Tambien lo veo por el ról del esposo. Imagina que te enamoras con un hombre, y tenías posibilidad de casarse con otro a la vez, es decir, tener matrimonio polígamo. Como te casaste "por amor", y amas al primer hombre, no lo quieres dejar. Pero a la vez, quieres cinco hijos- o por lo menos, dos, si Dios quiere- y el amor de tu vida, tu primer hombre, esta planteado a frente del vìa. ¿Què harías? Aunque le dolía mucho a mi esposo, no puedo decir que decidiera a favor de no casarme con hombre que me diera hijo. Y como quiera nadie va salir ileso de la situacion. Tengo que orar por ambos.
¿Qué mas? Aún estoy de recuperación del choque del otro día. De verdad salió que el seguro de la mujer habìa vencido hace tiempo, lo que llevó la compañia a negarlo, y por entonces mis rates van a subir, thanks! Lo que me preocupa es que cuando me cotejaron el nivel de glucosa en mi sangre estaba sumamente alta, indicación nueva que el diabetes genetica de mi familia me caza de nuevo. Cosa es, que cada vez que paso por el examen de ayuno, mis nùmeros y niveles salen bajitos. No lo entiendo, pues hay mas duaá que hacer. Cosa buena que salio del dia pésimo que era mi mièrcoles: actuè como intèrprete por un hombre que estaba alla con su gerente (ambos trabajadores en una compañia de comida muy popular), y no solamente me dieron certificado para comida gratis, pero el doctor y la gerente de su oficina estaban tan impresionados, que me pidieron una tarjeta de informacion, ¡ para llamarme si es que me necesitan de nuevo! ¡Aljamdulilá!
Ahora, tengo que encontrar impresora.... pero finalmente, ¿no es un problema deseable?
peace
TwennyTwo
I dunno, my soul feels hispanoparlante, so forgive me if you don't read Spanish.
Me encuentro un poco perdida. No, y más que un poco.
Pero, ¿porqué?
Primero, es que siento traicionada. No solamente por el hecho del casamiento del niño, sino porque, otra vez me encuentro aquí, al medio año, sin casarme y sin prospetos en el área de casamiento. Por más que trato de negarlo, de ignorarlo, eso duele, mano. Duele mucho.
Faltan 30 días para mi vigesimo-octavo cumpleaños.
Tambien me siento apresionada de una manera súbtil, lo que me trae hasta la locura. Cuando yo llegue a mi lugar de empleo, lo dije al jefe bien claro: no soy una mujer sumamente organizada. Limpia, sí; organizada, no. Pero por entonces se le ha occurido no menos que dos veces a la mes condenarme por no ser organizada.
Hasta que, ahora no es que no soy organizada sino que me encuentro evitando, escaseando organizar. Primero porque, no sé cómo hacerlo. Y segundo, una llega a resentir mucho los característicos mas comentados, siento que me han dado hasta que sangra sin decir nada y estoy llegando al grito.
Además, me encantan los lugares organizados. No hay nadie que dé cursos de organizacion en universidad, pero eso es exactamente lo que preciso.
En otros lados, estaba hablando con una amiga el otro dia, y mencionó que un matrimonio que ella conozca estan pasando por problemas. Hasta me hizo hacer duaá por ellos, porque yo si intimamente entiendo lo que estan pasando: la mujer pasará muchas problemas en parir, y por entonces el hombre quiere casarse con otra mujer (son musulmanes y no permanezcan aquí en los EEUU). A ella le dará mucho si él tuviera otra matrimonio a la véz, y tampoco quiere divorciarse; él no quiere pasarse de su derecho de tener hijos y no quiere perjudicarle el salud a su primera mujer.
Ayyyyy que caso. Fíjate.
Aprecio mucho que por lo menos mi amiga no mencionó los especificos de la situación, ya que entiendo lo doloroso pueda ser si salga quiénes son.
Lo veo de ambos lados. Me habían dicho alguna vez que no podrìa tener hijos. Imaginate, ser mujer negra, alta, Y¿ esteríl? ¡ NUNCA me casaría! Especialmente en ésta comunidad de musulmanes, tan enfocados en procreación. Estaba muy nerviosa hasta que resolvieron lo que me pasaba. Y, a mi me encantan los niños; siempre he dicho que me gustaría tener a lo menos cinco. (jajaja, y todas mis amigas hasta hoy me dicen... espere hasta que tienes el primero, aver...)
Por eso es que, aunque no soy muy celosa, he caminado en los pasos de la mujer en ese matrimonio, y hice duà que Alá subjanaju wa taàla le resolviera lo que paso entre ella y su esposo.
Tambien lo veo por el ról del esposo. Imagina que te enamoras con un hombre, y tenías posibilidad de casarse con otro a la vez, es decir, tener matrimonio polígamo. Como te casaste "por amor", y amas al primer hombre, no lo quieres dejar. Pero a la vez, quieres cinco hijos- o por lo menos, dos, si Dios quiere- y el amor de tu vida, tu primer hombre, esta planteado a frente del vìa. ¿Què harías? Aunque le dolía mucho a mi esposo, no puedo decir que decidiera a favor de no casarme con hombre que me diera hijo. Y como quiera nadie va salir ileso de la situacion. Tengo que orar por ambos.
¿Qué mas? Aún estoy de recuperación del choque del otro día. De verdad salió que el seguro de la mujer habìa vencido hace tiempo, lo que llevó la compañia a negarlo, y por entonces mis rates van a subir, thanks! Lo que me preocupa es que cuando me cotejaron el nivel de glucosa en mi sangre estaba sumamente alta, indicación nueva que el diabetes genetica de mi familia me caza de nuevo. Cosa es, que cada vez que paso por el examen de ayuno, mis nùmeros y niveles salen bajitos. No lo entiendo, pues hay mas duaá que hacer. Cosa buena que salio del dia pésimo que era mi mièrcoles: actuè como intèrprete por un hombre que estaba alla con su gerente (ambos trabajadores en una compañia de comida muy popular), y no solamente me dieron certificado para comida gratis, pero el doctor y la gerente de su oficina estaban tan impresionados, que me pidieron una tarjeta de informacion, ¡ para llamarme si es que me necesitan de nuevo! ¡Aljamdulilá!
Ahora, tengo que encontrar impresora.... pero finalmente, ¿no es un problema deseable?
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, June 11, 2009
New Rules!
Assalamu Alaikum,
Yes, new rules, ala Bill Mahr, even though I haven't watched him in YEARS.
10: IF you are driving, you must pay attention to the road. There is no makeup exemption to this rule. This rule applies double during inclement weather.
9: If you hit someone, you must call the police. Failing to hit and run does not exempt you.
8: IF you do not have insurance, do not give an insurance information card that is 3 years old.
7: Your boyfriend cannot call the person YOU hit to intimidate them out of going to the doctor.
6: All people who are represented on household insurance must be spouses.
5: You may not call the person you hit and ask for their insurance information in order to pay the damages.
4: Yellow lights do not mean GO.
3: Never ASSUME anything.
2: Not having your wipers on is ILLEGAL in the rain.
1. RED MEANS STOP.
Anyone want to guess what happened to me yesterday? Alhamdulillah I'm fine; have whiplash, but treatable. The Pimp Car (tm) is also fine, alhamdulillah. But it was a real waste of a Wednesday.
peace
TwennyTwo
Yes, new rules, ala Bill Mahr, even though I haven't watched him in YEARS.
10: IF you are driving, you must pay attention to the road. There is no makeup exemption to this rule. This rule applies double during inclement weather.
9: If you hit someone, you must call the police. Failing to hit and run does not exempt you.
8: IF you do not have insurance, do not give an insurance information card that is 3 years old.
7: Your boyfriend cannot call the person YOU hit to intimidate them out of going to the doctor.
6: All people who are represented on household insurance must be spouses.
5: You may not call the person you hit and ask for their insurance information in order to pay the damages.
4: Yellow lights do not mean GO.
3: Never ASSUME anything.
2: Not having your wipers on is ILLEGAL in the rain.
1. RED MEANS STOP.
Anyone want to guess what happened to me yesterday? Alhamdulillah I'm fine; have whiplash, but treatable. The Pimp Car (tm) is also fine, alhamdulillah. But it was a real waste of a Wednesday.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Oops.
Assalamu Alaikum
The fact that I am eating apple pies and drinking vanilla ice cream shakes at 12AM has nothing to do at all with the fact that I missed posting in March. Hmph.
I think I will go make a bogus post in march just to say I did it.
More on ice cream later. Suffice it to say: Sunny's younger SIL lied, and it might not matter whether or not she did. I hate catty girls.
Hope everyone else's deen is still tight. Shouts to the 6 people following me in Google Reader. Y'all rock.
peace
TwennyTwo
The fact that I am eating apple pies and drinking vanilla ice cream shakes at 12AM has nothing to do at all with the fact that I missed posting in March. Hmph.
I think I will go make a bogus post in march just to say I did it.
More on ice cream later. Suffice it to say: Sunny's younger SIL lied, and it might not matter whether or not she did. I hate catty girls.
Hope everyone else's deen is still tight. Shouts to the 6 people following me in Google Reader. Y'all rock.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Last minute
assalamu alaikum,
Okay, so I told myself that I wouldn't go for an entire calendar month without blogging. This gives me um... 35 minutes to blog. Yay, I made it.
I began this month waiting for it to be over. Which? Is no way to spend 1/12th of 1/28th of my life. Some great things have happened, though. My brother from another mother reappeared in my life (yay, Facebook!), which was fun.
What else? One of the founders of Bayyinah program came to Conservopolis and did a 3-day lecture on the Balagha of the Qur'an. Twas EXCELLENT and if you ever have the chance to go through one of these courses, I recommend it! I was actually sponsored, so I have to send a huge hug to Baji and Bayya who I suspect were my sponsors, and even if they weren't, they hipped the sponsors to the fact that I needed sponsoring.
Yeah.
In other developments, I'm struggling to complete a lot of things, most important right now being my MSN application. I really really really want to go to school. But you know what? I had a 'come to jesus' moment (which, as some other blogger I can't remember said, involves neither Jesus (alayhi salaam) nor religion) and realized a couple of things about myself:
1) I need physical, intellectual and creative stimulation, the way some people need... um, I dunno, salah? Water? Addictive substances? Yeah, bad analogy but the point remains. I am happiest when I am moving and physically interacting with my world, taking some sort of class and outpouring creativity on a very regular basis.
This comes up because I am miserable realizing that my work is my priority, when I really want to go somewhere and study, then go train for the half marathon I registered for today, finishing the day by whipping up some portareecan food and quilting before bed. Yes, I'm irrational for making myself do so much (okay, not quilting so much... the rest is fair game), but it has worked in the past. ON the other hand, when I realized this, it helped because I came up with some really creative projects to do with the preschoolers, and man, did I feel better after a morning of fingerpainting... and then I followed that with a day of soap and color mixing. Their moms hate me for my addiction to colorants (uniform is white shirt, navy bottoms) and I? Don't care. They'd hate me more if I were miserable and making children miserable as well.
2)I am a night person: nocturnal alerness is my DEFAULT state -of-being. This is problematic because, well, weekends aren't enough time to reset my body clock fully, just enough for me to sleep in, wash clothes and dishes and clean things from midnight to about 4 am, do qiyam, and then sleep in again... thereby throwing me out of all the social things people happen to like to do on weekends. Then I'm grumpy and late to work (and yes I ask Allah to bless my bosses abundantly for overlooking the fact that I hate to be up awake and smiling at a 'normal business hour'), or at work and cynical, until Wednesday or so. And yes, I've fought this, but according to my best sources (my mama), I have ALWAYS been alert at night. Blame my father, it's genetic. This world belongs to diurnes (do you like that? I made it up) and it stinks.
It does make me wonder what I'd've done in the days before incandescent light and personal electronics. I think I'd've been a heckuva astronomer; I loved the stars in Puerto Rico. Where I actually saw them, because, you know, the skies were clearer, and I was still. awake. to see them.
3) I need to get married. Three years on, my touch and love post (go check the archives or search above, I'm too lazy to link) still holds true. I have no idea what kind of man will marry a nocturnal muslimah who craves physical, intellectual, and creative stimulation on a regular. Who wants to be a nurse and doesn't want to work after she has kids. I'm still taking classes at practimate.com (again, go link yourself), and they are working out the kinks.
I need some perspective, which I suspect won't come until after I'm inshaAllah married. Because the whole 'matching' process in a community/ummah that encourages separation of genders and matchmaking that includes factors like your family (hi, my brother's nuts and the rest of us aren't muslim), your education (Yes I went to the most expensive school in the country and didn't use that degree, why do you ask?), your SKIN TONE (last I checked chocolate don't change) before your deen (alhamdulillah ana nimat al Islam!) is discouraging.
So because of 1, 2, and 3 above I don't even know if getting an MSN is wise.
I also have to say, that I stopped blogging for a while because I don't think anyone is reading... and the ones who are reading, know me in real life. I didn't think that would be as inhibitive as it is. And I need to blog that through... anyhow.
I'm out. See ya'll before April.
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, so I told myself that I wouldn't go for an entire calendar month without blogging. This gives me um... 35 minutes to blog. Yay, I made it.
I began this month waiting for it to be over. Which? Is no way to spend 1/12th of 1/28th of my life. Some great things have happened, though. My brother from another mother reappeared in my life (yay, Facebook!), which was fun.
What else? One of the founders of Bayyinah program came to Conservopolis and did a 3-day lecture on the Balagha of the Qur'an. Twas EXCELLENT and if you ever have the chance to go through one of these courses, I recommend it! I was actually sponsored, so I have to send a huge hug to Baji and Bayya who I suspect were my sponsors, and even if they weren't, they hipped the sponsors to the fact that I needed sponsoring.
Yeah.
In other developments, I'm struggling to complete a lot of things, most important right now being my MSN application. I really really really want to go to school. But you know what? I had a 'come to jesus' moment (which, as some other blogger I can't remember said, involves neither Jesus (alayhi salaam) nor religion) and realized a couple of things about myself:
1) I need physical, intellectual and creative stimulation, the way some people need... um, I dunno, salah? Water? Addictive substances? Yeah, bad analogy but the point remains. I am happiest when I am moving and physically interacting with my world, taking some sort of class and outpouring creativity on a very regular basis.
This comes up because I am miserable realizing that my work is my priority, when I really want to go somewhere and study, then go train for the half marathon I registered for today, finishing the day by whipping up some portareecan food and quilting before bed. Yes, I'm irrational for making myself do so much (okay, not quilting so much... the rest is fair game), but it has worked in the past. ON the other hand, when I realized this, it helped because I came up with some really creative projects to do with the preschoolers, and man, did I feel better after a morning of fingerpainting... and then I followed that with a day of soap and color mixing. Their moms hate me for my addiction to colorants (uniform is white shirt, navy bottoms) and I? Don't care. They'd hate me more if I were miserable and making children miserable as well.
2)I am a night person: nocturnal alerness is my DEFAULT state -of-being. This is problematic because, well, weekends aren't enough time to reset my body clock fully, just enough for me to sleep in, wash clothes and dishes and clean things from midnight to about 4 am, do qiyam, and then sleep in again... thereby throwing me out of all the social things people happen to like to do on weekends. Then I'm grumpy and late to work (and yes I ask Allah to bless my bosses abundantly for overlooking the fact that I hate to be up awake and smiling at a 'normal business hour'), or at work and cynical, until Wednesday or so. And yes, I've fought this, but according to my best sources (my mama), I have ALWAYS been alert at night. Blame my father, it's genetic. This world belongs to diurnes (do you like that? I made it up) and it stinks.
It does make me wonder what I'd've done in the days before incandescent light and personal electronics. I think I'd've been a heckuva astronomer; I loved the stars in Puerto Rico. Where I actually saw them, because, you know, the skies were clearer, and I was still. awake. to see them.
3) I need to get married. Three years on, my touch and love post (go check the archives or search above, I'm too lazy to link) still holds true. I have no idea what kind of man will marry a nocturnal muslimah who craves physical, intellectual, and creative stimulation on a regular. Who wants to be a nurse and doesn't want to work after she has kids. I'm still taking classes at practimate.com (again, go link yourself), and they are working out the kinks.
I need some perspective, which I suspect won't come until after I'm inshaAllah married. Because the whole 'matching' process in a community/ummah that encourages separation of genders and matchmaking that includes factors like your family (hi, my brother's nuts and the rest of us aren't muslim), your education (Yes I went to the most expensive school in the country and didn't use that degree, why do you ask?), your SKIN TONE (last I checked chocolate don't change) before your deen (alhamdulillah ana nimat al Islam!) is discouraging.
So because of 1, 2, and 3 above I don't even know if getting an MSN is wise.
I also have to say, that I stopped blogging for a while because I don't think anyone is reading... and the ones who are reading, know me in real life. I didn't think that would be as inhibitive as it is. And I need to blog that through... anyhow.
I'm out. See ya'll before April.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Feliz Año 1430... o 2009
Assalamu Alaikum,
So lately I've been thinking about this whole thing of not celebrating anything but Eid. I like it and in reality that's how I roll; but it complicates my life. Because I live with my parents and all. So, for example, this year 1430 and 2009 began relatively closely to each other- which led to this scenario:
Me: Hi, I finally brought back the books! Made it just in time!
Holden the librarian: Oh! Happy New Year!
Me: Oh! Thanks! You know?
Holden: Know what?
Me: Oh, the Islamic New Year began yesterday. But Happy New Year to you, too. (totally embarrassed by that slip)
To add to it I got my own henna powder (and didn't have to sift it, can you believe that?) and so went about the past three days with henna patterns on both hands. I mixed it myself because I was trying to come up with a good recipe (psst... sifted powder, fresh squeezed and strained lemon juice, a little sugar, honey, and my secret ingredients- clove oil {substitute lavender oil for kids and preg. mamas) and eucalyptus oil... my henna is still BLACK looking, yo, it's excellent!) and so now JW is freaking out. "It wierds me out to hand you something when your hand looks like that... does it hurt?" I keep forgetting my hands look weird to other people. MashaAllah, my little islamically enclosed world is well insulated. I don't leave it except to go home and go to class.
I'm making dua'a for those we know aren't beginning this year well- I got into such a 'discussion' over on my FB over Gaza. I happen to have studied this in school, it makes me so sad and angry on so many levels. May Allah help the oppressed, and help the Muslims to be on the side of the righteous, may He continue to guide everyone to a resolution of this violence, and may He give comfort and solace to ALL of the grieving families and grant Jennah al Firdous, the highest heaven, to those killed injustly in His time, amin.
Please make dua'a for me. May this be the year that truly increases my iman, and keeps us all on the straight path. A year full of revealed goodness, of blessings and strength and success in all good things.
fimanillah
TwennyTwo
So lately I've been thinking about this whole thing of not celebrating anything but Eid. I like it and in reality that's how I roll; but it complicates my life. Because I live with my parents and all. So, for example, this year 1430 and 2009 began relatively closely to each other- which led to this scenario:
Me: Hi, I finally brought back the books! Made it just in time!
Holden the librarian: Oh! Happy New Year!
Me: Oh! Thanks! You know?
Holden: Know what?
Me: Oh, the Islamic New Year began yesterday. But Happy New Year to you, too. (totally embarrassed by that slip)
To add to it I got my own henna powder (and didn't have to sift it, can you believe that?) and so went about the past three days with henna patterns on both hands. I mixed it myself because I was trying to come up with a good recipe (psst... sifted powder, fresh squeezed and strained lemon juice, a little sugar, honey, and my secret ingredients- clove oil {substitute lavender oil for kids and preg. mamas) and eucalyptus oil... my henna is still BLACK looking, yo, it's excellent!) and so now JW is freaking out. "It wierds me out to hand you something when your hand looks like that... does it hurt?" I keep forgetting my hands look weird to other people. MashaAllah, my little islamically enclosed world is well insulated. I don't leave it except to go home and go to class.
I'm making dua'a for those we know aren't beginning this year well- I got into such a 'discussion' over on my FB over Gaza. I happen to have studied this in school, it makes me so sad and angry on so many levels. May Allah help the oppressed, and help the Muslims to be on the side of the righteous, may He continue to guide everyone to a resolution of this violence, and may He give comfort and solace to ALL of the grieving families and grant Jennah al Firdous, the highest heaven, to those killed injustly in His time, amin.
Please make dua'a for me. May this be the year that truly increases my iman, and keeps us all on the straight path. A year full of revealed goodness, of blessings and strength and success in all good things.
fimanillah
TwennyTwo
Monday, November 03, 2008
Prayer contemplatioGn etc
Assalamu Alaikum,
Today started out well and ended regrettably. I'm glad I remembrered to blog about it. Yay- 3 days in a row for NaBloPoMo! Let's see how far I go.
Here's my reminder that came of the more stressful things in my day:
1. Males as well as females need to be educated on pregnancy and the choices that lead to and through it. I cannot say more but um just REALLY take that one heavily, okay?
2. Everybody go write a will right now. This is sunnah. Many of the companions of the Prophet, may Allah grant them peace, would go and deliberately take care of their affairs before they went into battle, as the Prophet (saws) directed. In his last days, the Prophet himself went to the masjid and asked if anyone still had a debt upon him.
Write a will and tell SEVERAL people you'd trust with your life about where it is adn the provisions in it. This goes DOUBLY if you have descendants, I don't care if they are of age or not. You need to tell someone how you want your remains disposed, you need to say what should happen to any inheritance you should leave behind, you need to designate your charity portions, you need to HAVE YOUR DEBTS PAID OFF. My friends, when I heard the lesson about how one is not supposed to be buried until his debts are paid, and how if he is then he feels the torture of the grave and the person who has the debt will still have that right over him on the day of judgment, please believe I was chilled.
I don't want to go into the conversation that led to this statement, but know that I have bugged and will continue to bother my halqa leaders until they give us an Islamic will-writing conference; meanwhile I have drawn up papers detailing who and how my remains and any funds (ha!) I leave will be distributed. I'm living for tomorrow, but in cas eI don't live THROUGH tomorrow I'm straight... inshaALlah.
3. Friends who don't let friends unwillingly stay single ROCK.
heh heh- on that note I'm publishing before the day is over!
peace
TwennyTwo
Today started out well and ended regrettably. I'm glad I remembrered to blog about it. Yay- 3 days in a row for NaBloPoMo! Let's see how far I go.
Here's my reminder that came of the more stressful things in my day:
1. Males as well as females need to be educated on pregnancy and the choices that lead to and through it. I cannot say more but um just REALLY take that one heavily, okay?
2. Everybody go write a will right now. This is sunnah. Many of the companions of the Prophet, may Allah grant them peace, would go and deliberately take care of their affairs before they went into battle, as the Prophet (saws) directed. In his last days, the Prophet himself went to the masjid and asked if anyone still had a debt upon him.
Write a will and tell SEVERAL people you'd trust with your life about where it is adn the provisions in it. This goes DOUBLY if you have descendants, I don't care if they are of age or not. You need to tell someone how you want your remains disposed, you need to say what should happen to any inheritance you should leave behind, you need to designate your charity portions, you need to HAVE YOUR DEBTS PAID OFF. My friends, when I heard the lesson about how one is not supposed to be buried until his debts are paid, and how if he is then he feels the torture of the grave and the person who has the debt will still have that right over him on the day of judgment, please believe I was chilled.
I don't want to go into the conversation that led to this statement, but know that I have bugged and will continue to bother my halqa leaders until they give us an Islamic will-writing conference; meanwhile I have drawn up papers detailing who and how my remains and any funds (ha!) I leave will be distributed. I'm living for tomorrow, but in cas eI don't live THROUGH tomorrow I'm straight... inshaALlah.
3. Friends who don't let friends unwillingly stay single ROCK.
heh heh- on that note I'm publishing before the day is over!
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Whoo-hoo, day Two
Assalamu Alaikum,
It has been a long day. No, that's not a pun on the time change, but I'm happy about that, too.
My goal for this month (because I have nothing to do, right, what with teaching tutoring halaqas and now classes) on a personal level is to de-clutter- take two things out of my room for every 1 thing I purchase or have to bring in. I'm so tired tonight that I started a load of clothes and just plopped in the bed, but the next several months will require me to push through the tired, so I may as well begin now.
I did clean out my car, though, and that was a major accomplishment.
I'd appreciate your dua'a through this week; I've been sick and now really don't feel well; unfortunately I have to return to work tomorrow instead of staying home as was my inclination because Tuesday are parent-teacher conferences, and wednesday is our state inspection. I've got some cleaning I want to get done on Tuesday and lesson planning for Monday, so between those I don't get a break until Thursday unless I am suddenly paralysed, Allah forbid. inshaAllah khair.
I've got to decide how much pressure I want to put on myself and how much I will keep accepting from outside. I learned as a young child that wanting something was bad- and now I'm fighting both unmotivation (is that a word?) and entitlement. How do you fight those? By just doing it, picking up and setting goals - and by giving back to other people.
So that's what I'm working on starting now...
peace
TwennyTwo
It has been a long day. No, that's not a pun on the time change, but I'm happy about that, too.
My goal for this month (because I have nothing to do, right, what with teaching tutoring halaqas and now classes) on a personal level is to de-clutter- take two things out of my room for every 1 thing I purchase or have to bring in. I'm so tired tonight that I started a load of clothes and just plopped in the bed, but the next several months will require me to push through the tired, so I may as well begin now.
I did clean out my car, though, and that was a major accomplishment.
I'd appreciate your dua'a through this week; I've been sick and now really don't feel well; unfortunately I have to return to work tomorrow instead of staying home as was my inclination because Tuesday are parent-teacher conferences, and wednesday is our state inspection. I've got some cleaning I want to get done on Tuesday and lesson planning for Monday, so between those I don't get a break until Thursday unless I am suddenly paralysed, Allah forbid. inshaAllah khair.
I've got to decide how much pressure I want to put on myself and how much I will keep accepting from outside. I learned as a young child that wanting something was bad- and now I'm fighting both unmotivation (is that a word?) and entitlement. How do you fight those? By just doing it, picking up and setting goals - and by giving back to other people.
So that's what I'm working on starting now...
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Eid Mubarak 1429
Assalamu Alaikum,
Eid Mubarak.
Eid is wonderful, a celebration, a time of joy. A time off the job. A time of respite.
I'm sad and I don't like Eid very much. After the first day I'm bereft. No meal to wait for as the sun's last rays disappear. No tarawih prayers to make the night bright, to lift the heart. No seeing friends and loved ones every day. No special reason for everyone to exercise more patience, more love. Ramadhan is over.
So Eid is bittersweet for me, spiritually. I want Ramadhan to last all year. As a convert I feel that I lose my family, the closeness, for eleven months out of the year. That's not quite true. But the larger sense of community- the people I saw only during Ramadhan will disappear back into their lives agagin. I miss them already.
I know I'm supposed to be happy. I am. I am. I am, I protest.
I hope to find blessings in this Eid, and I wish the same to you.
peace
Eid Mubarak.
Eid is wonderful, a celebration, a time of joy. A time off the job. A time of respite.
I'm sad and I don't like Eid very much. After the first day I'm bereft. No meal to wait for as the sun's last rays disappear. No tarawih prayers to make the night bright, to lift the heart. No seeing friends and loved ones every day. No special reason for everyone to exercise more patience, more love. Ramadhan is over.
So Eid is bittersweet for me, spiritually. I want Ramadhan to last all year. As a convert I feel that I lose my family, the closeness, for eleven months out of the year. That's not quite true. But the larger sense of community- the people I saw only during Ramadhan will disappear back into their lives agagin. I miss them already.
I know I'm supposed to be happy. I am. I am. I am, I protest.
I hope to find blessings in this Eid, and I wish the same to you.
peace
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Half gone...
Assalamu Alaikum,
Ramadhan has been a blessing as always, though sometimes the blessings come in the form of tests.
Conservopolis got hit with the remnants of Hurricane Ike as it passed through the upper Midwest, leaving not much rain in our area, but wind that knocked trees into roads and houses (!), and leaving schools in 10 counties with holidays. Looks like we'll be back tomorrow, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't benefited from the rest. I took advantage of the time to get a few more things sorted with my science courses at Conservopolis Technical. Just a couple weeks and some FAFSA forms and I'll be on my way to a master's degree. Alhamdulillah.
JW is doing well, actually came to an iftar after being invited by Bro. Leader this past weekend. I always enjoy spending time with their family, and this was no exception. JW invited his (very Christian) 'girlfriend' who shares a name with our sister, and that was interesting. She didn't ask very many questions, just watched with eyes wide open. She's a good girl, as Sis. May noted; and while we all know that no woman can change any man, (that is Allah's power) I hope she sticks around. He likes her; she's a cool person who has calming influence. We'll see.
Speaking of that family, Sonny left for the middle east right after the start of Ramadhan. His sister is mad excited that he'll be closer to her; he's going to study Arabic and the deen and will be gone a year. I'm happy for him (wish for your brother what you wish for yourself is true here) and at the same time glad he'll be gone. InshaAllah he is guided to knowledge. One of my girl friends who is supposed to go study in the same country won't be leaving until December, after all, and I'm glad to have the time with her. May Allah continue to bless her. She's so patient, kind, and such a student of Islam, I'll miss her when she goes.
Hmph and then Bilal said his version of Ramadhan mubarak over the Facebook. Alhamdulillah for being a grownup. It's been 5 years since we all graduated from college. I miss DC, I miss the good times and the good people I met there. Being at ISNA a couple weeks ago, I ran into so many sisters and brothers who were my companions on the way to Islam. Bilal was one of those, as is D, as is Koonj for that matter. Few are the true friends I keep in contact with- so of the others? I thank Allah for them... but I'm purposely putting one foot in front of the other daily, away from them. At least during Ramadhan the straight path doesn't seem as lonely.
*sigh*. I'm trying to be good so I'll move on from that topic (Sonny and crew, Bilal, D), won't I?
It's such an awesome experience to actually keep up with each Juz every day. I've been using Qur'an explorer (script works best with IE, be forewarned) to recite them with the English meaning daily, then going to tarawih when I can, nights. I'm developing a preference for one tarawih; the qari is so deliberate, reciting with feeling, mashaAllah. For a while my funds were low, and I got unexpected benefit from having to visit a certain masjid. There are some awesome sisters there, we're getting to know one another.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm here, and I'm okay, and I hope your Ramadhan is even more blessed than mine, amin.
peace
TwennyTwo
Ramadhan has been a blessing as always, though sometimes the blessings come in the form of tests.
Conservopolis got hit with the remnants of Hurricane Ike as it passed through the upper Midwest, leaving not much rain in our area, but wind that knocked trees into roads and houses (!), and leaving schools in 10 counties with holidays. Looks like we'll be back tomorrow, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't benefited from the rest. I took advantage of the time to get a few more things sorted with my science courses at Conservopolis Technical. Just a couple weeks and some FAFSA forms and I'll be on my way to a master's degree. Alhamdulillah.
JW is doing well, actually came to an iftar after being invited by Bro. Leader this past weekend. I always enjoy spending time with their family, and this was no exception. JW invited his (very Christian) 'girlfriend' who shares a name with our sister, and that was interesting. She didn't ask very many questions, just watched with eyes wide open. She's a good girl, as Sis. May noted; and while we all know that no woman can change any man, (that is Allah's power) I hope she sticks around. He likes her; she's a cool person who has calming influence. We'll see.
Speaking of that family, Sonny left for the middle east right after the start of Ramadhan. His sister is mad excited that he'll be closer to her; he's going to study Arabic and the deen and will be gone a year. I'm happy for him (wish for your brother what you wish for yourself is true here) and at the same time glad he'll be gone. InshaAllah he is guided to knowledge. One of my girl friends who is supposed to go study in the same country won't be leaving until December, after all, and I'm glad to have the time with her. May Allah continue to bless her. She's so patient, kind, and such a student of Islam, I'll miss her when she goes.
Hmph and then Bilal said his version of Ramadhan mubarak over the Facebook. Alhamdulillah for being a grownup. It's been 5 years since we all graduated from college. I miss DC, I miss the good times and the good people I met there. Being at ISNA a couple weeks ago, I ran into so many sisters and brothers who were my companions on the way to Islam. Bilal was one of those, as is D, as is Koonj for that matter. Few are the true friends I keep in contact with- so of the others? I thank Allah for them... but I'm purposely putting one foot in front of the other daily, away from them. At least during Ramadhan the straight path doesn't seem as lonely.
*sigh*. I'm trying to be good so I'll move on from that topic (Sonny and crew, Bilal, D), won't I?
It's such an awesome experience to actually keep up with each Juz every day. I've been using Qur'an explorer (script works best with IE, be forewarned) to recite them with the English meaning daily, then going to tarawih when I can, nights. I'm developing a preference for one tarawih; the qari is so deliberate, reciting with feeling, mashaAllah. For a while my funds were low, and I got unexpected benefit from having to visit a certain masjid. There are some awesome sisters there, we're getting to know one another.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm here, and I'm okay, and I hope your Ramadhan is even more blessed than mine, amin.
peace
TwennyTwo
Friday, August 01, 2008
Around
Assalamu Alaikum,
I'm here. Working to get my life back on track, is all. And Sunday I leave for MYNA camp, yay! So inshaAllah you are all well and healthy. I guess perhaps I'll be back to more regular blogging when school is in (and thus my vacation is over, sigh).
peace
TwennyTwo
I'm here. Working to get my life back on track, is all. And Sunday I leave for MYNA camp, yay! So inshaAllah you are all well and healthy. I guess perhaps I'll be back to more regular blogging when school is in (and thus my vacation is over, sigh).
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Yay, meme love!
Assalamu Alaikum,
Yes, I got meme love from Lucky Fatima:
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.
WHOOOHOOO!!!! I love this meme because, well, y'all know how I am about music. Because I am that way, I'm counting multiple songs from the same CD as one song. Sorry. Had to cheat, otherwise a 5 minute meme could take way too much time just for making decisions!
Also, I think all of my songs are old because I'm like Fatima, if it rocks it rocks forever.
1. Outlandish, 'Callin U' and 'Aisha'
2. Alicia Keys, 'Unbreakable'(MTV Unplugged)
3. Mateo, 'Tomorrow' and 'Can't Let Her Go'- shoot, the whole 'Human' LP
4. Sami Yusuf, 'Hasbi Rabbi' and 'Ya RasulUllah'
5. Native Deen, 'Life's Worth'
6. Billy Joel, 'Always a Woman
7. Shakira, 'La Tortura'.
Make of that what you will. InshaAllah people actually see this tag: ummmm
Shoot, who should I tag?
You! Also, I'm tagging some people who know me and others who I just love to read, to see who's looking. Shabana, Y at Joy Unexpected, Nzingha, Safiya. Have fun!
Yes, I got meme love from Lucky Fatima:
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.
WHOOOHOOO!!!! I love this meme because, well, y'all know how I am about music. Because I am that way, I'm counting multiple songs from the same CD as one song. Sorry. Had to cheat, otherwise a 5 minute meme could take way too much time just for making decisions!
Also, I think all of my songs are old because I'm like Fatima, if it rocks it rocks forever.
1. Outlandish, 'Callin U' and 'Aisha'
2. Alicia Keys, 'Unbreakable'(MTV Unplugged)
3. Mateo, 'Tomorrow' and 'Can't Let Her Go'- shoot, the whole 'Human' LP
4. Sami Yusuf, 'Hasbi Rabbi' and 'Ya RasulUllah'
5. Native Deen, 'Life's Worth'
6. Billy Joel, 'Always a Woman
7. Shakira, 'La Tortura'.
Make of that what you will. InshaAllah people actually see this tag: ummmm
Shoot, who should I tag?
You! Also, I'm tagging some people who know me and others who I just love to read, to see who's looking. Shabana, Y at Joy Unexpected, Nzingha, Safiya. Have fun!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Oh. Get somebody else to do it. (warning, ramble ahead)
Assalamu ALaikum,
I want a teaching license. But not badly enough to go through the rigamarole it takes to get one. Apparently.
I'm so sick of the Universidad del Sagrado Heart. My problem is really that they're operating Portareeco style. I should be used to this, but I guess two years away from the island mean I'm again sensitive to and agitated by the way people use and abuse time there. See, I did many of my teaching credits there. In order to get a teaching license, I have to prove that I have a certain number of credits of a certain type in education (thanks a whole bunch, NCLB, you continual pain in my ...ahem. Anyway). Crazy thing is that I have the copies of the UPR transcript, and I have the copies of my Alma Mater transcripts. The people it's hardest for me to get hold of are of course the Sagrado Heart Registrar's office. It's like they take 3 hour lunches and leave 2 hours early. Now, I do exaggerate. By thirty minutes. Tops. Either way.
What that means for busy teacher me is that even though I KNOW USH has scheduled the ONE class I was told I needed for a FT teaching license in PR (and thus a FT teaching license here in midwestern state) and I KNOW they've scheduled it in TWO different summer sessions, and I KNOW that USH has dorms for super cheap during the summer, I haven't been able to CONFIRM that that's STILL the class I need to take. Because I can't get my transcripts out of the place. It drives me mad. I've called on my lunch break for four days straight, and even when I call before the posted noon lunch break hour I can't get through. Boo. Hiss. And they love to claim they're the premiere private university on the island. O-kay. They just can't prove it by me. Long story short, I'm 'bout to send one of my peoples over to the campus to wrangle with them face-to-face. If you can't beat'em, get your army to do it.
So I don't know whether I"ll be here for the summer or not. Even so, I went ahead and applied to the Fawakih program that's starting this summer in Indianapolis. It's an intensive, month-long program to learn Arabic. I've got to get ahead in that struggle, somehow. I've been taking the weekly (free!) basic grammar course as a part of our halqa, and I love that. And I'm very satisfied with the level of tajweed I'm learning with the help of a sister who isn't charging me a dime, may Allah reward her and bless her for her teaching and her forbearance with me.
I just want more. I'm thirsty for the language. I'm thirsty to learn things. And I want to go back to being a student- or I would if I didn't have to pay to do it. I think that's one of the worst things about academia. You have to pay to play, unless you've paid so much you feel it dripping from your veins. Then you go work to get out of hock. Unless you find a different way to do it.
And being a student is something I'm best at. Always have been. Yet again in the Two household we were having the conversation, "what do you want to do?" And in searching for the absolute truth, I said that I wanted to go back to school. I loved being in school. I knew I was on scholarship so I wasn't stressed about the cash it cost. I went to a foo-foo university and I believed (oh, did I ) that my degree from Alma Mater would mean super duper amounts of cash from a nice job when I left. Ha. (Liz, I feel your pain and I don't know what to tell you except that I've been there. Hang in, hon.)
Thing is, now I'm a 'responsible adult' ( or at least, I am when at work) and so I have to pay bills and going back to school for some Master's degree I don't really really want just makes zero sense. That's why I've been resisting (okay, passively. I"m still recovering) her insistence that I get the formal license. I hate education courses, they seem like bunk, and everything EVERYTHING I've learned that I HAD to learn about teaching I really learned from experience. I've had like 3 courses out of maybe 12 that actually taught me something I had to use in my classroom. What a waste. AlHamdulIllah it wasn't my money. I just can't see throwing away my money on more of the same. I need it to get to work. Anyone else see gas hitting $4.00/gal this year?
Speaking of which, I'ma just g'on 'head and be ungrateful because my raise this year? Will cover gas for two months in my car. I either need to get rid of the car or go somewhere to get paid more to do tutoring. Or find a better-paying side gig (and teaching on the side rocks just now). Because I need to get someone to clean my house. I can't do it. I don't have any more sick days. And I can't see letting it stay this way for the other 24 school days in the year. And my weekends? AlHamdulIllah, I'm booked solid for the entire next five weeks. Ha, and at one point I was lonely, imagine. So, since I know that others can do it better, I just need to find some cash and get somebody else to do it. I'm relaxing just thinking about it. Then everybody involved will be happy.
Speaking of gratitude, I need to be more outwardly grateful. See, that's what I mean. At one point you'd've caught me dead before I went a week without sending a thank-you note to someone who'd been especially generous, or considerate, or helpful to me. Now my cheeks burn in shame when I think of all the things people have done for me that I know I haven't properly acknowledged.
I have some amazing friends, y'all. Last week I went to counselor retreat for MYNA camps because I was 'sponsored' by one friend and driven by another; the hour I came back Samina S. opened her home to me on literally 3 minutes notice and gave me clothes to wear; when I went to a banquet that night I really enjoyed the fabulous speakers and dinner and didn't have to pay- and they ended up not needing my volunteer services for which I dined. May Allah bless every single person who has been so gracious to me, I couldn't be working and feeling at least this good without them.
I didn't say that all the house-cleaning I mentioned above needs to be done in order to accomodate JW again. He's back home after being released early from his university. We still don't know if he's been withdrawn or on probation. ALlahu Alim. Please make dua'a for that whole situation.
Since JW hasn't really been at home, I'd closed up the back (drafty) bedroom my sister and I used to share, since it gets freezing cold in the winter, and just used his. So my stuff is all over his room. Now I don't know when I'll stop and get it all up. Because then I couldn't have four blog posts this month, you see. And I feel terrible now because he's home and I'm all sleeping in his room and don't want to go back to mine.
That's it! I'm getting somebody else to do it. THat's the responsible action, after all. Let someone else clean up after me.
Somehow that's not as satisfying in print as it would be in real life, and that means I've made a compromise somewhere. I'll end up doing the cleaning myself, just as I'll end up suffering through every minute of the teaching classes I (hope I don't really) need for a license. I'll grit my teeth and sweettalk the portareecan crew and use the PR version of wasta for everything else. I'll be frustrated and still single and get it all done. But boy wouldn't it be nice to get somebody else to do it for me.
peace
TwennyTwo
I want a teaching license. But not badly enough to go through the rigamarole it takes to get one. Apparently.
I'm so sick of the Universidad del Sagrado Heart. My problem is really that they're operating Portareeco style. I should be used to this, but I guess two years away from the island mean I'm again sensitive to and agitated by the way people use and abuse time there. See, I did many of my teaching credits there. In order to get a teaching license, I have to prove that I have a certain number of credits of a certain type in education (thanks a whole bunch, NCLB, you continual pain in my ...ahem. Anyway). Crazy thing is that I have the copies of the UPR transcript, and I have the copies of my Alma Mater transcripts. The people it's hardest for me to get hold of are of course the Sagrado Heart Registrar's office. It's like they take 3 hour lunches and leave 2 hours early. Now, I do exaggerate. By thirty minutes. Tops. Either way.
What that means for busy teacher me is that even though I KNOW USH has scheduled the ONE class I was told I needed for a FT teaching license in PR (and thus a FT teaching license here in midwestern state) and I KNOW they've scheduled it in TWO different summer sessions, and I KNOW that USH has dorms for super cheap during the summer, I haven't been able to CONFIRM that that's STILL the class I need to take. Because I can't get my transcripts out of the place. It drives me mad. I've called on my lunch break for four days straight, and even when I call before the posted noon lunch break hour I can't get through. Boo. Hiss. And they love to claim they're the premiere private university on the island. O-kay. They just can't prove it by me. Long story short, I'm 'bout to send one of my peoples over to the campus to wrangle with them face-to-face. If you can't beat'em, get your army to do it.
So I don't know whether I"ll be here for the summer or not. Even so, I went ahead and applied to the Fawakih program that's starting this summer in Indianapolis. It's an intensive, month-long program to learn Arabic. I've got to get ahead in that struggle, somehow. I've been taking the weekly (free!) basic grammar course as a part of our halqa, and I love that. And I'm very satisfied with the level of tajweed I'm learning with the help of a sister who isn't charging me a dime, may Allah reward her and bless her for her teaching and her forbearance with me.
I just want more. I'm thirsty for the language. I'm thirsty to learn things. And I want to go back to being a student- or I would if I didn't have to pay to do it. I think that's one of the worst things about academia. You have to pay to play, unless you've paid so much you feel it dripping from your veins. Then you go work to get out of hock. Unless you find a different way to do it.
And being a student is something I'm best at. Always have been. Yet again in the Two household we were having the conversation, "what do you want to do?" And in searching for the absolute truth, I said that I wanted to go back to school. I loved being in school. I knew I was on scholarship so I wasn't stressed about the cash it cost. I went to a foo-foo university and I believed (oh, did I ) that my degree from Alma Mater would mean super duper amounts of cash from a nice job when I left. Ha. (Liz, I feel your pain and I don't know what to tell you except that I've been there. Hang in, hon.)
Thing is, now I'm a 'responsible adult' ( or at least, I am when at work) and so I have to pay bills and going back to school for some Master's degree I don't really really want just makes zero sense. That's why I've been resisting (okay, passively. I"m still recovering) her insistence that I get the formal license. I hate education courses, they seem like bunk, and everything EVERYTHING I've learned that I HAD to learn about teaching I really learned from experience. I've had like 3 courses out of maybe 12 that actually taught me something I had to use in my classroom. What a waste. AlHamdulIllah it wasn't my money. I just can't see throwing away my money on more of the same. I need it to get to work. Anyone else see gas hitting $4.00/gal this year?
Speaking of which, I'ma just g'on 'head and be ungrateful because my raise this year? Will cover gas for two months in my car. I either need to get rid of the car or go somewhere to get paid more to do tutoring. Or find a better-paying side gig (and teaching on the side rocks just now). Because I need to get someone to clean my house. I can't do it. I don't have any more sick days. And I can't see letting it stay this way for the other 24 school days in the year. And my weekends? AlHamdulIllah, I'm booked solid for the entire next five weeks. Ha, and at one point I was lonely, imagine. So, since I know that others can do it better, I just need to find some cash and get somebody else to do it. I'm relaxing just thinking about it. Then everybody involved will be happy.
Speaking of gratitude, I need to be more outwardly grateful. See, that's what I mean. At one point you'd've caught me dead before I went a week without sending a thank-you note to someone who'd been especially generous, or considerate, or helpful to me. Now my cheeks burn in shame when I think of all the things people have done for me that I know I haven't properly acknowledged.
I have some amazing friends, y'all. Last week I went to counselor retreat for MYNA camps because I was 'sponsored' by one friend and driven by another; the hour I came back Samina S. opened her home to me on literally 3 minutes notice and gave me clothes to wear; when I went to a banquet that night I really enjoyed the fabulous speakers and dinner and didn't have to pay- and they ended up not needing my volunteer services for which I dined. May Allah bless every single person who has been so gracious to me, I couldn't be working and feeling at least this good without them.
I didn't say that all the house-cleaning I mentioned above needs to be done in order to accomodate JW again. He's back home after being released early from his university. We still don't know if he's been withdrawn or on probation. ALlahu Alim. Please make dua'a for that whole situation.
Since JW hasn't really been at home, I'd closed up the back (drafty) bedroom my sister and I used to share, since it gets freezing cold in the winter, and just used his. So my stuff is all over his room. Now I don't know when I'll stop and get it all up. Because then I couldn't have four blog posts this month, you see. And I feel terrible now because he's home and I'm all sleeping in his room and don't want to go back to mine.
That's it! I'm getting somebody else to do it. THat's the responsible action, after all. Let someone else clean up after me.
Somehow that's not as satisfying in print as it would be in real life, and that means I've made a compromise somewhere. I'll end up doing the cleaning myself, just as I'll end up suffering through every minute of the teaching classes I (hope I don't really) need for a license. I'll grit my teeth and sweettalk the portareecan crew and use the PR version of wasta for everything else. I'll be frustrated and still single and get it all done. But boy wouldn't it be nice to get somebody else to do it for me.
peace
TwennyTwo
Open. Your. Eyes.
Assalamu Alaikum,
Oh, man. Yesterday I needed someone to hold me back. I won't say what I did in the privacy of the teacher's lounge, because, well, it doesn't sound very nice. I hit a limit of fury yesterday. It's not good to feel that outdone at your place of employment.
Remember, I've said so many times that it's never the child who causes me problems. It's usually adults who won't act right.
Long story short, there's a female parent of a child who is causing problems because she's kicking up a fuss about her child.
Now, this is, at the root, what every parent wants to do. You all want your child to do well and you'll do what it takes to make that happen. You'll talk to the teachers and ask for extra work. You'll have him do that work, with a lot of help from you, under your very careful and watchful eye. You'll teach your child in the way of Allah. You'll help the child against herself when she needs it.
If this were that and only that, I could fully understand and bring the fullness of my patience to the situation. But it isn't. It's about this woman's refusal to see what her child does and how the child affects others. Like telling me you've enrolled your child in a pretty tough extra-curricular class and then telling me that you know your child, of course your child doesn't hit others. And of course, I should have a gentle and special way to have this child follow instructions, unlike the other children who obey me the first or even the second time I tell them something. Right. Just explain to me how out of 38 children how your child is the only one who is having accidents and being injured so, if your child never disobeys her teachers or hits and taunts the rougher kids until they snap. You seek that information, but when I tell you you don't see. Open your eyes!
I think another thing that bothers me is that there's another mother and another child who DO deserve help and the best of our resources, and I'm missing how both of these situations are being treated equally. And I'm sad that it probably means that neither of the children will be at our school next year. *sigh*. At least I'm not worried I won't be at the school next year.
I'm really sad for the first child I mentioned, because this child is so manipulative and sneaky that the child needs the boundaries that we provide. Really. Child A does so much better when we're firm but loving, that mother's insistence on being gentle and solicitous with this one child drives me wild- that isn't actually what will serve her child best, in my professional opinion. Anyway.
Yesterday we had about a half-hour meeting, and after that, I was through. I'm done. There are 26 school days left this year and I'm just going to work toward getting through all of them well, with smiling kids at the end. I'm also going to have to keep this child separated from certain others. Fine. You'll pay me to do that, it'll get done. And then I hope you go to another school, because that's the only way you'll learn exactly how your child is, and you'll learn to open your eyes.
And that's all I want to say about that.
In other news, I have no idea what I'm doing this summer, and May begins... tomorrow! My Master's application for the University of Conservopolis is due, um, tomorrow. Ask me if I've begun. No, don't. And gasoline is up to $3.65 a gallon here. A friend invited me to stay at her house five minutes from work, and at first I refused, until she made me accept (anyone else have Egyptian friends? I love her so much mashaAllah!), and then when I came out and saw how high gas was I was glad she beat me into it!
And... I think my last crush is off the potential marriage list. We'll see. He's going to Jordan for a year to learn Arabic starting this fall. I still think he's an awesome guy, but at the same time, this past weekend someone made me realize that um, I'm not unique in thinking that. His family is very well known, which I think is a big factor in that. And I want someone who wants me for me, not looking for an ideal social match. Not that he's said that or anything.
Off to work... make dua'a for me!
peace
TwennyTwo
Oh, man. Yesterday I needed someone to hold me back. I won't say what I did in the privacy of the teacher's lounge, because, well, it doesn't sound very nice. I hit a limit of fury yesterday. It's not good to feel that outdone at your place of employment.
Remember, I've said so many times that it's never the child who causes me problems. It's usually adults who won't act right.
Long story short, there's a female parent of a child who is causing problems because she's kicking up a fuss about her child.
Now, this is, at the root, what every parent wants to do. You all want your child to do well and you'll do what it takes to make that happen. You'll talk to the teachers and ask for extra work. You'll have him do that work, with a lot of help from you, under your very careful and watchful eye. You'll teach your child in the way of Allah. You'll help the child against herself when she needs it.
If this were that and only that, I could fully understand and bring the fullness of my patience to the situation. But it isn't. It's about this woman's refusal to see what her child does and how the child affects others. Like telling me you've enrolled your child in a pretty tough extra-curricular class and then telling me that you know your child, of course your child doesn't hit others. And of course, I should have a gentle and special way to have this child follow instructions, unlike the other children who obey me the first or even the second time I tell them something. Right. Just explain to me how out of 38 children how your child is the only one who is having accidents and being injured so, if your child never disobeys her teachers or hits and taunts the rougher kids until they snap. You seek that information, but when I tell you you don't see. Open your eyes!
I think another thing that bothers me is that there's another mother and another child who DO deserve help and the best of our resources, and I'm missing how both of these situations are being treated equally. And I'm sad that it probably means that neither of the children will be at our school next year. *sigh*. At least I'm not worried I won't be at the school next year.
I'm really sad for the first child I mentioned, because this child is so manipulative and sneaky that the child needs the boundaries that we provide. Really. Child A does so much better when we're firm but loving, that mother's insistence on being gentle and solicitous with this one child drives me wild- that isn't actually what will serve her child best, in my professional opinion. Anyway.
Yesterday we had about a half-hour meeting, and after that, I was through. I'm done. There are 26 school days left this year and I'm just going to work toward getting through all of them well, with smiling kids at the end. I'm also going to have to keep this child separated from certain others. Fine. You'll pay me to do that, it'll get done. And then I hope you go to another school, because that's the only way you'll learn exactly how your child is, and you'll learn to open your eyes.
And that's all I want to say about that.
In other news, I have no idea what I'm doing this summer, and May begins... tomorrow! My Master's application for the University of Conservopolis is due, um, tomorrow. Ask me if I've begun. No, don't. And gasoline is up to $3.65 a gallon here. A friend invited me to stay at her house five minutes from work, and at first I refused, until she made me accept (anyone else have Egyptian friends? I love her so much mashaAllah!), and then when I came out and saw how high gas was I was glad she beat me into it!
And... I think my last crush is off the potential marriage list. We'll see. He's going to Jordan for a year to learn Arabic starting this fall. I still think he's an awesome guy, but at the same time, this past weekend someone made me realize that um, I'm not unique in thinking that. His family is very well known, which I think is a big factor in that. And I want someone who wants me for me, not looking for an ideal social match. Not that he's said that or anything.
Off to work... make dua'a for me!
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Wants
assalamu alaikum,
I've been lost. I'm trekking my way back. Thanks for reading, really.
****
I tutor several students, off and on, at the middle school and high school levels. Incidentally, they're all boys- not sure why. That's probably just how the community is around here. I don't know nearly as many teenaged girls as I do boys here in Conservopolis. Girls, where are you?
irrelevant.
What I was going to say is that I've had all of these students go through an exercise to build their own goals. It's simple, really: you have someone ask, over and over again, "What do you want?" and write down EVERY answer. Then go through and weed out the things of the moment from the true goals.
Alhamdulillah, one student replied, "I want to go to Jennah alFirdous, inshaAllah, and be in the shade of Allah and the company of the Prophet on the last day." No kidding. A fourteen-year-old told me that (he wasn't trying to impress me).
And then I kept asking.
You want that? What else? What do you want along the way? When do you want it? How do you want it? How do you want to gain the pleasure of Allah (swt) inshaAllah?
All of the boys do this. Then I make them tape up their goals on a wall or mirror they'll see daily. And put dates on them (well, all but the goals like the one above. That one isn't one I hope to be able to put a time and date on). ANd then review them weekly and monthly and see them daily and determine not only what it is that they want from this life, but to see that they're the ones who determine how this gift of life is spent. Parents do a lot, but they have only so much to work with. Allah has granted us life. We've got to use it.
And yet I've gotten away from that myself.
How often is it that the teacher loses sight of the student for the knowledge? Today I went through and re-made my own goals.
It was humbling and amazing to see how I'm holding myself back from taking advantage. It's scary. *sigh*.
peace
TwennyTwo
I've been lost. I'm trekking my way back. Thanks for reading, really.
****
I tutor several students, off and on, at the middle school and high school levels. Incidentally, they're all boys- not sure why. That's probably just how the community is around here. I don't know nearly as many teenaged girls as I do boys here in Conservopolis. Girls, where are you?
irrelevant.
What I was going to say is that I've had all of these students go through an exercise to build their own goals. It's simple, really: you have someone ask, over and over again, "What do you want?" and write down EVERY answer. Then go through and weed out the things of the moment from the true goals.
Alhamdulillah, one student replied, "I want to go to Jennah alFirdous, inshaAllah, and be in the shade of Allah and the company of the Prophet on the last day." No kidding. A fourteen-year-old told me that (he wasn't trying to impress me).
And then I kept asking.
You want that? What else? What do you want along the way? When do you want it? How do you want it? How do you want to gain the pleasure of Allah (swt) inshaAllah?
All of the boys do this. Then I make them tape up their goals on a wall or mirror they'll see daily. And put dates on them (well, all but the goals like the one above. That one isn't one I hope to be able to put a time and date on). ANd then review them weekly and monthly and see them daily and determine not only what it is that they want from this life, but to see that they're the ones who determine how this gift of life is spent. Parents do a lot, but they have only so much to work with. Allah has granted us life. We've got to use it.
And yet I've gotten away from that myself.
How often is it that the teacher loses sight of the student for the knowledge? Today I went through and re-made my own goals.
It was humbling and amazing to see how I'm holding myself back from taking advantage. It's scary. *sigh*.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, March 10, 2008
Something's up.
assalamu alaikum,
Okay, if you were around here yesterday, please excuse that. If you weren't, don't worry about it.
I woke up at 5:00 this morning feeling wonderful. No, really. I wish I could describe the euphoria I still feel now. It's amazing. I feel good! My body feels good.
I spent a few moments in my bed telling myself that it's okay to feel good. That what has gone on the past few months (!) has been a really rough patch.
I'm glad to feel good. You have no idea. But now I know for sure that something is up.
Don't worry. I don't know what it is. But to go from leaking tears all over the place gloomy fog can't make it through the day without a tantrum to waking up at what should feel like 4am (happy daylight saving to you, too) feeling ecstatic with life requires an explanation.
Day ain't over, as my father loves to say. We'll see what the day brings. Meanwhile I'm glad to be happy.
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, if you were around here yesterday, please excuse that. If you weren't, don't worry about it.
I woke up at 5:00 this morning feeling wonderful. No, really. I wish I could describe the euphoria I still feel now. It's amazing. I feel good! My body feels good.
I spent a few moments in my bed telling myself that it's okay to feel good. That what has gone on the past few months (!) has been a really rough patch.
I'm glad to feel good. You have no idea. But now I know for sure that something is up.
Don't worry. I don't know what it is. But to go from leaking tears all over the place gloomy fog can't make it through the day without a tantrum to waking up at what should feel like 4am (happy daylight saving to you, too) feeling ecstatic with life requires an explanation.
Day ain't over, as my father loves to say. We'll see what the day brings. Meanwhile I'm glad to be happy.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, March 01, 2008
I don't even know what to call this
assalamu alaikum,
Been a while, huh?
I hope everyone is doing well.
I want to be upbeat, but really, I'm out of sorts.
As positive as I was about staying at the school where I'm currently working, events of the past week have made me seriously reconsider. I think what I'm going to do is find out which classes I'm missing for licensure in this state, and then see if I can take them this summer.
I hate job hunting like fire, second only to moving (and they're really different forms of the same thing), but I'll do and have done both. If I have a teaching license I can work in public school (= much more pay and an environment that, while not islamic, is one I'm used to) or I can stay at the Islamic school but with much more leverage. Because, get this, the admin offered my assistant the lead teacher position last week- the same week they'd both ticked me off royally and then told me that I'd be moving to the upper school next year. While I wasn't thrilled, I was much less sanguine when I heard from my assistant that they'd rescinded the offer because there're no places in the upper school for me to go- a teacher who said she'd move isn't doing so. Great. Aside from the pettier stuff that upset me in the first place, now you're jerking people's positions around publicly. I say, just sit on that stuff until you have contracts up (or not). Argh.
Or, get this suggestion from my mother this morning, I could return to la isla this summer and take the few courses I needed in order to finish a certification or master's degree there. Plus, I mean, summer in portareeco! Sounds like a vacation I could definitely use. I miss my friends and the warmth of that place deeply.
I'll have to figure it out financially, but I should just about be able to swing it. I'm tutoring after school and on weekends now, with children much older than my daily preschool set. I get to work with older students, they get to learn and review what they need for school, and apparently what I charge is a bargain. Works for everyone. Excellent.
My classes had their field trip yesterday, mashaAllah! They had a great time. I think I want to go again- around 6 kids didn't go, and all of the adults agreed that we needed more time there. I took one child who is three handfuls, and while i was dealing with her, one of the others in my group wandered off- twice. The first time I nearly had a heart attack thinking of him and where he was and what I'd tell his mom- and as soon as i reported him missing to the booth, he turned up. Whew! They did have a great time, and that's what counts. I'm sorry I didn't get them to do it earlier.
When, inshaAllah, I run this half-marathon in May, I'll be very undertrained, so much so that I'm already making dua'a just to finish. I'll finish no matter how long it takes me. Things keep popping up, serious stuff that stresses me out and pushes me off-schedule. I really really really want to do this, though. So I may start undertrained and just pray through. I don't want to be in too much pain afterward, though,but I mean... when I was running and training in the full of summer before I had no issues. I just need to get up to a high number of miles in training again.
D called me the other day. He wanted to let me know about the invite he recieved to Rabbit and Bay's wedding. I think he was also fishing to know if I got one. I didn't. I don't know how I feel about that except that I'm still thinking about it, which can't be good. The phone call, and the non-invite. *sigh*. That call was the first time D called me since I left DC. He generally doesn't call me unless something's bothering him (ha- and I thought I wasn't a good listener) or something's going on with our old college crew, Rabbit and Bay included. I said a while ago that the biggest problem with D is that he isn't Muslim, and I mean that, so while I was happy to hear from him... I was almost ambivalent, too. Allahu Alim. I'ont need to be talkin to no mens anyhow. I'm still making dua'a on marriage.
Hee hee hee. Oh man. That reminds me. I went to a seminar/lecture/talk tonight about managing finances islamically. While it was good, it was more about generally how to manage finances, and less about where to actually put your money now that you know what's halal and what's haraam about investing and owning(NOT saving!) especially here in the western part of the world. InshaAllah they're going to have a whole series on this stuff, so my questions'll be answered then.
Yeah, so my crush was there tonight. TOTALLY wasn't expecting that one. I hope I wasn't rude, I tend to be very cool in public to keep my blushes under control. I should've known there was a huge chance he'd be there, his family's big in the particular masjid where the lecture was being held- he's related to the speaker, in fact. But I haven't thought about him in a while. Sooo glad I'm not pale, SubhanAllah, I'd've been tomato red, ya'll. I straight asked his sister if he's 'looking' and found out that he kind of is but not really, since he's thinking about going to the ME soon. Some of y'all may know him so I won't get into it, but. Hmm. Maybe that's my sign to be looking elsewhere.
Anyway. Got that off my chest. Happy March- inshaAllah I'll write again before the end of the month!
peace
TwennyTwo
Been a while, huh?
I hope everyone is doing well.
I want to be upbeat, but really, I'm out of sorts.
As positive as I was about staying at the school where I'm currently working, events of the past week have made me seriously reconsider. I think what I'm going to do is find out which classes I'm missing for licensure in this state, and then see if I can take them this summer.
I hate job hunting like fire, second only to moving (and they're really different forms of the same thing), but I'll do and have done both. If I have a teaching license I can work in public school (= much more pay and an environment that, while not islamic, is one I'm used to) or I can stay at the Islamic school but with much more leverage. Because, get this, the admin offered my assistant the lead teacher position last week- the same week they'd both ticked me off royally and then told me that I'd be moving to the upper school next year. While I wasn't thrilled, I was much less sanguine when I heard from my assistant that they'd rescinded the offer because there're no places in the upper school for me to go- a teacher who said she'd move isn't doing so. Great. Aside from the pettier stuff that upset me in the first place, now you're jerking people's positions around publicly. I say, just sit on that stuff until you have contracts up (or not). Argh.
Or, get this suggestion from my mother this morning, I could return to la isla this summer and take the few courses I needed in order to finish a certification or master's degree there. Plus, I mean, summer in portareeco! Sounds like a vacation I could definitely use. I miss my friends and the warmth of that place deeply.
I'll have to figure it out financially, but I should just about be able to swing it. I'm tutoring after school and on weekends now, with children much older than my daily preschool set. I get to work with older students, they get to learn and review what they need for school, and apparently what I charge is a bargain. Works for everyone. Excellent.
My classes had their field trip yesterday, mashaAllah! They had a great time. I think I want to go again- around 6 kids didn't go, and all of the adults agreed that we needed more time there. I took one child who is three handfuls, and while i was dealing with her, one of the others in my group wandered off- twice. The first time I nearly had a heart attack thinking of him and where he was and what I'd tell his mom- and as soon as i reported him missing to the booth, he turned up. Whew! They did have a great time, and that's what counts. I'm sorry I didn't get them to do it earlier.
When, inshaAllah, I run this half-marathon in May, I'll be very undertrained, so much so that I'm already making dua'a just to finish. I'll finish no matter how long it takes me. Things keep popping up, serious stuff that stresses me out and pushes me off-schedule. I really really really want to do this, though. So I may start undertrained and just pray through. I don't want to be in too much pain afterward, though,but I mean... when I was running and training in the full of summer before I had no issues. I just need to get up to a high number of miles in training again.
D called me the other day. He wanted to let me know about the invite he recieved to Rabbit and Bay's wedding. I think he was also fishing to know if I got one. I didn't. I don't know how I feel about that except that I'm still thinking about it, which can't be good. The phone call, and the non-invite. *sigh*. That call was the first time D called me since I left DC. He generally doesn't call me unless something's bothering him (ha- and I thought I wasn't a good listener) or something's going on with our old college crew, Rabbit and Bay included. I said a while ago that the biggest problem with D is that he isn't Muslim, and I mean that, so while I was happy to hear from him... I was almost ambivalent, too. Allahu Alim. I'ont need to be talkin to no mens anyhow. I'm still making dua'a on marriage.
Hee hee hee. Oh man. That reminds me. I went to a seminar/lecture/talk tonight about managing finances islamically. While it was good, it was more about generally how to manage finances, and less about where to actually put your money now that you know what's halal and what's haraam about investing and owning(NOT saving!) especially here in the western part of the world. InshaAllah they're going to have a whole series on this stuff, so my questions'll be answered then.
Yeah, so my crush was there tonight. TOTALLY wasn't expecting that one. I hope I wasn't rude, I tend to be very cool in public to keep my blushes under control. I should've known there was a huge chance he'd be there, his family's big in the particular masjid where the lecture was being held- he's related to the speaker, in fact. But I haven't thought about him in a while. Sooo glad I'm not pale, SubhanAllah, I'd've been tomato red, ya'll. I straight asked his sister if he's 'looking' and found out that he kind of is but not really, since he's thinking about going to the ME soon. Some of y'all may know him so I won't get into it, but. Hmm. Maybe that's my sign to be looking elsewhere.
Anyway. Got that off my chest. Happy March- inshaAllah I'll write again before the end of the month!
peace
TwennyTwo
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