assalamu alaikum,
I understand why people don't listen to music, I really do.
I don't want to get into it though. Just sayin' that Chrisette Michelle (perfectly okay lyrics... well. Um.) got me understanding that a bit better. A sound I grew up on, with the synthesized soul. Had my life not gone differently it's how I'd be singing.
I'm doing a 'Filling the Bucket' List. Someone over on FB gave me the idea. What do I want to do before I turn 30?
What would you recommend I do before I turned thurdy? That didn't require a whole lot of specific cooperation from others. (Therefore, marriage and kids and their ilk are out. Keep up the adiyat.)
BAM got married today... and NYC supposedly saw a historic snowstorm. I hereby dedicate all my replays of 'If I Have My Way' to Steven and Megan. I won't make further remark after I say, CONGRATULATIONS!
peace
twenny
Showing posts with label an American Black. Show all posts
Showing posts with label an American Black. Show all posts
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, November 03, 2008
Prayer contemplatioGn etc
Assalamu Alaikum,
Today started out well and ended regrettably. I'm glad I remembrered to blog about it. Yay- 3 days in a row for NaBloPoMo! Let's see how far I go.
Here's my reminder that came of the more stressful things in my day:
1. Males as well as females need to be educated on pregnancy and the choices that lead to and through it. I cannot say more but um just REALLY take that one heavily, okay?
2. Everybody go write a will right now. This is sunnah. Many of the companions of the Prophet, may Allah grant them peace, would go and deliberately take care of their affairs before they went into battle, as the Prophet (saws) directed. In his last days, the Prophet himself went to the masjid and asked if anyone still had a debt upon him.
Write a will and tell SEVERAL people you'd trust with your life about where it is adn the provisions in it. This goes DOUBLY if you have descendants, I don't care if they are of age or not. You need to tell someone how you want your remains disposed, you need to say what should happen to any inheritance you should leave behind, you need to designate your charity portions, you need to HAVE YOUR DEBTS PAID OFF. My friends, when I heard the lesson about how one is not supposed to be buried until his debts are paid, and how if he is then he feels the torture of the grave and the person who has the debt will still have that right over him on the day of judgment, please believe I was chilled.
I don't want to go into the conversation that led to this statement, but know that I have bugged and will continue to bother my halqa leaders until they give us an Islamic will-writing conference; meanwhile I have drawn up papers detailing who and how my remains and any funds (ha!) I leave will be distributed. I'm living for tomorrow, but in cas eI don't live THROUGH tomorrow I'm straight... inshaALlah.
3. Friends who don't let friends unwillingly stay single ROCK.
heh heh- on that note I'm publishing before the day is over!
peace
TwennyTwo
Today started out well and ended regrettably. I'm glad I remembrered to blog about it. Yay- 3 days in a row for NaBloPoMo! Let's see how far I go.
Here's my reminder that came of the more stressful things in my day:
1. Males as well as females need to be educated on pregnancy and the choices that lead to and through it. I cannot say more but um just REALLY take that one heavily, okay?
2. Everybody go write a will right now. This is sunnah. Many of the companions of the Prophet, may Allah grant them peace, would go and deliberately take care of their affairs before they went into battle, as the Prophet (saws) directed. In his last days, the Prophet himself went to the masjid and asked if anyone still had a debt upon him.
Write a will and tell SEVERAL people you'd trust with your life about where it is adn the provisions in it. This goes DOUBLY if you have descendants, I don't care if they are of age or not. You need to tell someone how you want your remains disposed, you need to say what should happen to any inheritance you should leave behind, you need to designate your charity portions, you need to HAVE YOUR DEBTS PAID OFF. My friends, when I heard the lesson about how one is not supposed to be buried until his debts are paid, and how if he is then he feels the torture of the grave and the person who has the debt will still have that right over him on the day of judgment, please believe I was chilled.
I don't want to go into the conversation that led to this statement, but know that I have bugged and will continue to bother my halqa leaders until they give us an Islamic will-writing conference; meanwhile I have drawn up papers detailing who and how my remains and any funds (ha!) I leave will be distributed. I'm living for tomorrow, but in cas eI don't live THROUGH tomorrow I'm straight... inshaALlah.
3. Friends who don't let friends unwillingly stay single ROCK.
heh heh- on that note I'm publishing before the day is over!
peace
TwennyTwo
Friday, October 31, 2008
October 31st Excitement
Assalamu Alaikum,
My students are going on a field trip today, and then returning to the school later tonight for the annual October 31st Game Night. Their parents have been hyping them up for both (which is in the Official Job Description of a parent so I'm not bad), and I'm looking forward to the trip. I love my little ones, and this year as with last I have some joyful as well as challenging personalities, it'll be fun to see them enjoy (or just encounter) a different environment.
Now, I have no problems with Game Night being every year on the same night, even the night that it is. I do have problems with the *ahem* fitna that comes with this particular day, every year. As a teacher, I stand with and actively promote the school policy, which is that there is no celebration of any non-Muslim holiday in the school, and the only Muslim holidays are the two Eids. Anything else we take a break for is federally mandated (e.g. the reason for Thanksgiving and winter breaks). And I truly feel that, even at the age I teach, this is the best thing for my classroom. All the children are happier for it, and no one is left out.
That says, I've had to be really resolved to not condemn the celebration of other holidays, either. I don't want feelngs hurt that way, either, since several of my students have a non-muslim parent or live in families that have more relaxed views of holidays. I ran into this with the celebration of the Prophet's birthday. And um, yeah, I was like- that's not Eid! My assistant at the time had to remind me that, um, some people will try to hurt you if you tell that to their kids! Ohhhh-kay. So the line was that, we don't celebrate birthdays at school- at all. And the children understood that, even if the parents didn't.
I'm not a parent so the issue is pretty much moot on a personal note. I personally will not celebrate it with my children, I don't think. (note the cya I don't think because I have no idear if/who I will marry, that one is still up to Allah.) I'm not exercised about it; I'm just opting to follow what I've been taught of the sunnah and not participating. A family gathering on that day is okay with me, as is Game Night- do something with people of like mind, y'know?
I feel the same way about the elections coming up. I volunteered a while ago to work in Spanish with a certain candidate. I think it was because I temporarily lost my mind. I'm just refusing to get all exercised about it. I will try to meet up with them since I said I would... but if it continues to be a problem I won't be mad. I know I'm going to VOTE but I'm not screaming about my choice of candidate. And I'm certainly not telling the world who my choice is- that's no one's business but my own. That viewpoint I caught (heh, like a cold) from my parents, who have probably been for a certain party since before I was born. Do you know I have never heard them (I mean EVER) identify with any party? I don't know half of their views because we just don't discuss it. My mother put the point on it the other day: "I remember when we were still fighting to vote. Nobody needs to know what I think either way." One of my colleagues was shocked when she straight asked me, "Are you voting Obama?" and I said it wasn't something I talked about. I must've grown two heads, y'all. I know some people feel they can't vote at all Islamically, and that's bunk too. There's no hadith that says we can't exert our influence to say who will be our leaders- ESPECIALLY since we don't live under a khalifa. (Yes, I just lit that firecracker.)
So yes, I'm excited about today, and yes I'm excited about the vote, but you won't catch me screaming about it. Who'd'a thunk it?
peace
TwennyTwo
My students are going on a field trip today, and then returning to the school later tonight for the annual October 31st Game Night. Their parents have been hyping them up for both (which is in the Official Job Description of a parent so I'm not bad), and I'm looking forward to the trip. I love my little ones, and this year as with last I have some joyful as well as challenging personalities, it'll be fun to see them enjoy (or just encounter) a different environment.
Now, I have no problems with Game Night being every year on the same night, even the night that it is. I do have problems with the *ahem* fitna that comes with this particular day, every year. As a teacher, I stand with and actively promote the school policy, which is that there is no celebration of any non-Muslim holiday in the school, and the only Muslim holidays are the two Eids. Anything else we take a break for is federally mandated (e.g. the reason for Thanksgiving and winter breaks). And I truly feel that, even at the age I teach, this is the best thing for my classroom. All the children are happier for it, and no one is left out.
That says, I've had to be really resolved to not condemn the celebration of other holidays, either. I don't want feelngs hurt that way, either, since several of my students have a non-muslim parent or live in families that have more relaxed views of holidays. I ran into this with the celebration of the Prophet's birthday. And um, yeah, I was like- that's not Eid! My assistant at the time had to remind me that, um, some people will try to hurt you if you tell that to their kids! Ohhhh-kay. So the line was that, we don't celebrate birthdays at school- at all. And the children understood that, even if the parents didn't.
I'm not a parent so the issue is pretty much moot on a personal note. I personally will not celebrate it with my children, I don't think. (note the cya I don't think because I have no idear if/who I will marry, that one is still up to Allah.) I'm not exercised about it; I'm just opting to follow what I've been taught of the sunnah and not participating. A family gathering on that day is okay with me, as is Game Night- do something with people of like mind, y'know?
I feel the same way about the elections coming up. I volunteered a while ago to work in Spanish with a certain candidate. I think it was because I temporarily lost my mind. I'm just refusing to get all exercised about it. I will try to meet up with them since I said I would... but if it continues to be a problem I won't be mad. I know I'm going to VOTE but I'm not screaming about my choice of candidate. And I'm certainly not telling the world who my choice is- that's no one's business but my own. That viewpoint I caught (heh, like a cold) from my parents, who have probably been for a certain party since before I was born. Do you know I have never heard them (I mean EVER) identify with any party? I don't know half of their views because we just don't discuss it. My mother put the point on it the other day: "I remember when we were still fighting to vote. Nobody needs to know what I think either way." One of my colleagues was shocked when she straight asked me, "Are you voting Obama?" and I said it wasn't something I talked about. I must've grown two heads, y'all. I know some people feel they can't vote at all Islamically, and that's bunk too. There's no hadith that says we can't exert our influence to say who will be our leaders- ESPECIALLY since we don't live under a khalifa. (Yes, I just lit that firecracker.)
So yes, I'm excited about today, and yes I'm excited about the vote, but you won't catch me screaming about it. Who'd'a thunk it?
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, August 18, 2008
Race You
Assalamu Alaikum,
So, didn't sleep much last night. This would make up for the fact that I pretty much slept around the prayer times all day yesterday. That's a neat knack to have if it weren't for the fact that I probably should've been up doing things yesterday. I'm not sick, alhamdulillah, but I think a couple things have me a little bit down. One, is a particular man who is exploring the idea of marrying me. The other is the concept of race and how far we've not come on it in this ummah. Sigh.
The man? Was around before that last post of mine. I'm getting a strong 'no' feeling after istikhara and a pretty uneasy and forgettable conversation with him. I don't want to go into it too much here. Just want to note for my own memory that I have this uneasy feeling about him. I'm fighting myself because I don't want to be biased against him without having really met him, when there are a couple of things I could be biased against. I guess I want to give him a fighting chance when something else slightly irrational but true-to-me is saying 'nuh-unh'.
The race thing is, I guess, the flip side of that particular coin. I've been here in Conservopolis a year. And while I've got some friends, they aren't the close-close kind of friends. A very few confidants who are trustworthy. And I trust them because they will make un-politically correct remarks around me. They've let me put my foot in my mouth, too. Certain people, make me think I want to hold them at arms' length, but that isn't the way to maintain friendships, is it? Still. That crew of women who are around my age I find particularly frustrating. One moment they're calling me sweetheart and the next I'm ignoring the fact that there are several gatherings I wasn't invited to being mentioned in my face. Sigh. If I were included I'd have something else to be mad about so I'm gonna stick to the ones who are true: the 30 something moms. For some reason, maybe because they have neither time nor intention to BS me, I'm easier around them.
Then we have the whole dark skin thing. I find it hilarious and at the same time frustrating to be summarily dismissed on first impression because of my skin color and cultural background. Equally funny and maddening to have myself subjected to every stereotype about African Americans simply because I am one. From my teacher at the beginning of the summer to some rude teens at a party the other day, I've seen it and had to have some patience on it.
The patience is always rewarded when the children of the community, my students, no matter what color they are, run and tackle my knees as soon as they see me. Some of these children have begun parroting the 'you're darker, not pretty' belief at me, but their love belies the indoctrination. To have to interrupt my conversation with an adult to direct my attention three feet lower to a (non-African American, paper-bag test passing) child gleefully screeching, "Miss Two! Miss Two!" and watching the adult's expression 'lighten' is better than any fight I could fight.
I wish I could convey that through the internet.
I have to go to work, or I'd finish this. There's another telling thing: I do NOT want to go back to work under one of the admins at my school (no point in singling one of them out). And I don't want to go back, period. This'll change, I'm sure, when I"m in the middle of selecting shiny new posters, laminating borders and arabic cards, making nametags and cubby pictures for my students. Teaching at this level is a very fun line of work; but it is a line of work. InshaAllah I'll be one of those who either finds work that isn't like working, things I think about late at night and can't wait to get to in the morning, or I'll be finally able to make my home that work, and I'll only have to account to my Lord for my days. That? Would be awesome.
peace
TwennyTwo
So, didn't sleep much last night. This would make up for the fact that I pretty much slept around the prayer times all day yesterday. That's a neat knack to have if it weren't for the fact that I probably should've been up doing things yesterday. I'm not sick, alhamdulillah, but I think a couple things have me a little bit down. One, is a particular man who is exploring the idea of marrying me. The other is the concept of race and how far we've not come on it in this ummah. Sigh.
The man? Was around before that last post of mine. I'm getting a strong 'no' feeling after istikhara and a pretty uneasy and forgettable conversation with him. I don't want to go into it too much here. Just want to note for my own memory that I have this uneasy feeling about him. I'm fighting myself because I don't want to be biased against him without having really met him, when there are a couple of things I could be biased against. I guess I want to give him a fighting chance when something else slightly irrational but true-to-me is saying 'nuh-unh'.
The race thing is, I guess, the flip side of that particular coin. I've been here in Conservopolis a year. And while I've got some friends, they aren't the close-close kind of friends. A very few confidants who are trustworthy. And I trust them because they will make un-politically correct remarks around me. They've let me put my foot in my mouth, too. Certain people, make me think I want to hold them at arms' length, but that isn't the way to maintain friendships, is it? Still. That crew of women who are around my age I find particularly frustrating. One moment they're calling me sweetheart and the next I'm ignoring the fact that there are several gatherings I wasn't invited to being mentioned in my face. Sigh. If I were included I'd have something else to be mad about so I'm gonna stick to the ones who are true: the 30 something moms. For some reason, maybe because they have neither time nor intention to BS me, I'm easier around them.
Then we have the whole dark skin thing. I find it hilarious and at the same time frustrating to be summarily dismissed on first impression because of my skin color and cultural background. Equally funny and maddening to have myself subjected to every stereotype about African Americans simply because I am one. From my teacher at the beginning of the summer to some rude teens at a party the other day, I've seen it and had to have some patience on it.
The patience is always rewarded when the children of the community, my students, no matter what color they are, run and tackle my knees as soon as they see me. Some of these children have begun parroting the 'you're darker, not pretty' belief at me, but their love belies the indoctrination. To have to interrupt my conversation with an adult to direct my attention three feet lower to a (non-African American, paper-bag test passing) child gleefully screeching, "Miss Two! Miss Two!" and watching the adult's expression 'lighten' is better than any fight I could fight.
I wish I could convey that through the internet.
I have to go to work, or I'd finish this. There's another telling thing: I do NOT want to go back to work under one of the admins at my school (no point in singling one of them out). And I don't want to go back, period. This'll change, I'm sure, when I"m in the middle of selecting shiny new posters, laminating borders and arabic cards, making nametags and cubby pictures for my students. Teaching at this level is a very fun line of work; but it is a line of work. InshaAllah I'll be one of those who either finds work that isn't like working, things I think about late at night and can't wait to get to in the morning, or I'll be finally able to make my home that work, and I'll only have to account to my Lord for my days. That? Would be awesome.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Yup. Me.
assalamu alaikum,
,
Yes. Me. And what a ride the past couple of weeks have been.
I did get into the Fawakih program, and it is a lot of hard work! I didn't know how much I didn't know until I began. Wa Allahu Alim. I'm sleep deprived already from the studying. I like most of the people there, and the ones who get on my nerves have good intentions, inshaAllah, so I'm making the best of it and working hard to learn, learn learn! I'm happy even as frantic as I've been to study. You know how it's said that doctors are the worst patients? I'm starting to think that teachers are the worst students, wa audhu billah. This is hard!! I've burst into tears twice during tajweed class, and I don't know why it makes me so nervous. I think my perception that I'm the worst in the class isn't helping, especially when we have to listen to everybody else in the class and then recite behind them. I hate the reading in front of a lot of people, esp. the Sheikh- he's really good, I'm embarassed to read so badly when I really do know how to read better- and my roommate, who is excellent. And full of advice. The other teachers are pretty good as well. The program is so accelerated that I feel that's my major hurdle- what for everyone else in my group is review is new material for me and I'm suffering through, studying hard.
I'm making dua'a for one of the sisters there; on the second day her mother in law was put into the hospital because of an accident. She is so nice, and we were sorry to see her family in such pain when she was already struggling just to make it to the program- she has a tiny baby and two other kids. I look at her and learn exactly what dedication to learning is about. mashaAllah.
Because my boss has control and memory issues, and so forgot to tell me until I was 200 miles away at Fawakih, I'm leaving now to go back to Conservopolis and take care of some urgent work business. I'm very frazzled over this. Gas is super high, and now you ask me to make a four-hour round trip? Plus I'm missing the biggest day of f'il conjugations, and I'll have to do the homework and then drive back tomorrow morning. InshaAllah. The good news is that I get to hear Ustadha Noura Shamma give a talk tonight, and I get to sleep in my own bed. This is major. I probably won't get (or take) the chance again to come back during the month, so I'm taking advantage now.
InshaAllah I'll post again just to talk about what's going on here at Fawakih.
peace
TwennyTwo
,
Yes. Me. And what a ride the past couple of weeks have been.
I did get into the Fawakih program, and it is a lot of hard work! I didn't know how much I didn't know until I began. Wa Allahu Alim. I'm sleep deprived already from the studying. I like most of the people there, and the ones who get on my nerves have good intentions, inshaAllah, so I'm making the best of it and working hard to learn, learn learn! I'm happy even as frantic as I've been to study. You know how it's said that doctors are the worst patients? I'm starting to think that teachers are the worst students, wa audhu billah. This is hard!! I've burst into tears twice during tajweed class, and I don't know why it makes me so nervous. I think my perception that I'm the worst in the class isn't helping, especially when we have to listen to everybody else in the class and then recite behind them. I hate the reading in front of a lot of people, esp. the Sheikh- he's really good, I'm embarassed to read so badly when I really do know how to read better- and my roommate, who is excellent. And full of advice. The other teachers are pretty good as well. The program is so accelerated that I feel that's my major hurdle- what for everyone else in my group is review is new material for me and I'm suffering through, studying hard.
I'm making dua'a for one of the sisters there; on the second day her mother in law was put into the hospital because of an accident. She is so nice, and we were sorry to see her family in such pain when she was already struggling just to make it to the program- she has a tiny baby and two other kids. I look at her and learn exactly what dedication to learning is about. mashaAllah.
Because my boss has control and memory issues, and so forgot to tell me until I was 200 miles away at Fawakih, I'm leaving now to go back to Conservopolis and take care of some urgent work business. I'm very frazzled over this. Gas is super high, and now you ask me to make a four-hour round trip? Plus I'm missing the biggest day of f'il conjugations, and I'll have to do the homework and then drive back tomorrow morning. InshaAllah. The good news is that I get to hear Ustadha Noura Shamma give a talk tonight, and I get to sleep in my own bed. This is major. I probably won't get (or take) the chance again to come back during the month, so I'm taking advantage now.
InshaAllah I'll post again just to talk about what's going on here at Fawakih.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, May 24, 2008
dua's para dudas
Assalamu Alaikum,
i find myself facing doubts, las dudas, otra vez.
i'm not smart enough, not skilled enough, not learned enough.
not patient enough, not forbearing enough.
llego a condenarme de nuevo. no soy la suficiente aceptable.
me? nowhere near pale enough or pretty enough, not short enough or thin enough.
not smooth enough, not plucked enough. not attractive- enough.
ni suficiente humilde, ni discreta, ni domestica
not motivated enough, not hardworking enough, not impartial enough, not logical- enough.
not organized enough or forward-looking enough; not brave nor innovative enough.
not careful enough. not consistent enough.
And the mirror I see shows the truth.
puede ser que las dudas son la realidad?
I need my reality and all i can do is hit the floor, on my face, wondering if I'm acceptable yet again. This isn't pretty.
pray, please.
i find myself facing doubts, las dudas, otra vez.
i'm not smart enough, not skilled enough, not learned enough.
not patient enough, not forbearing enough.
llego a condenarme de nuevo. no soy la suficiente aceptable.
me? nowhere near pale enough or pretty enough, not short enough or thin enough.
not smooth enough, not plucked enough. not attractive- enough.
ni suficiente humilde, ni discreta, ni domestica
not motivated enough, not hardworking enough, not impartial enough, not logical- enough.
not organized enough or forward-looking enough; not brave nor innovative enough.
not careful enough. not consistent enough.
And the mirror I see shows the truth.
puede ser que las dudas son la realidad?
I need my reality and all i can do is hit the floor, on my face, wondering if I'm acceptable yet again. This isn't pretty.
pray, please.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Hues
assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh
The upside of not having been all about the blog this month is that I've been living. Downside? I miss all the goings-on, all the fun stuff. It's Thanksgiving Day here, and while giving thanks liberally I also had the time to peruse various blogs. Yay!
I stopped over at DP's spot, which led me to Safiya at Outlines, which led me to Umar Lee, and all of them talked in some way about spouses and husbands and interracial relationships etc. So now, my turn to think a lil bit about all of this. And I've been avoiding the topic for such a time as would lend itself to my being open and vulnerable about it.
Y'all know I'm not married. Most of the people who've read this blog came to notice it because of a post that was basically whining about options for young unmarried Muslimas. Or making valid points on the options for unmarried muslimahs, depending on your paradigm. I'm not actively searching; rather making a lot of dua'a after fruitless searches. My eyes are out there but not much else.
In reading the responses to Umar Lee's posts on the topic I've seen a lot of hateration going around, especially when it comes to American Black Women being marriageable. I've seen it so much that I've had to catch myself; at one point I had absorbed the viewpoint that my being Black made me less desireable to Muslims of other races and cultures. I actively have had to reject that inside my own head. Now, you all know that I am intensely glad that Allah saw fit to make me Black, and thankful that I am an educated professional in this country. wa Astaghfirullah. It was abhor-ably easy for me to detect that 'don't bring one of Them home' attitude through the computer screen as well as through my everyday encounters, the chance remarks, the sideways looks and the non-looks. Audhu biIllah. Shaitan is really sneaky on this one.
As for the looking- I've just stopped looking and started making dua'a instead. It's funny that when I mention that I want to get married to some of the sisters who ask about my marital status in this city (I'm new to a lot of people here), they inevitably ask what kind of brother I'm looking for. To which I reply: A good, educated man. Aisha looked at me askance when I gave her my off-the-cuff answer that I didn't care as long as he was educated and spoke Spanish. "Spanish? " she cocked her head at me, really puzzled. "When I stub my toe or yell that's the language I tend to work in," I answered half seriously.
The truth is that I... almost... I want to say 'I don't care', in that peculiarly American way that I have of using that phrase, but that's not specific enough. I don't care- about the small stuff. Or rather, I don't have a picture all prettily painted in my mind, waiting for Allah to *poof* make Optimal Husband appear and ride me into the sunset. I guess somewhere in here I've grown up, because even the idea doesn't appeal any more. Reality sneaks into my dreams daily.
No picture in my mind, hence, I can no longer reel off a gigundo list of qualities, attributes, characteristics, and assets that my future husband MUST have in order to even have a chance at my hand. Used to be ol' boy would be oh, 6'5 1/2" tall (exactly), have a Ph.D or an M.D. in his field of choice, and have impeccable manners, and love his mama to distraction. Now, though, my criteria have been way simplified after I've lived a while and done some praying and contemplating and had some of those loonnnng discussions with people I trust over cups of na'na' late at night. He has to be able to answer these questions:
1) What is your understanding of God, the Qur'an, Salat, the prophets, and the hereafter?
2) How do you feel about children?
3) Describe your relationship with your family, especially your brothers, sisters, and mother.
4) What are your goals?
5) What do you see as your and my responsibilities as Muslims, spouses, and citizens?
6) How do you handle your financial responsibilities?
And before everyone and their wali jumps all over my case, should a brother actually be serious about his suit, I'm prepared to answer those questions as well as other similar ones.
What infuriates and disturbs me is that this whole practice and permissiveness of turning down potential mates based on their skin hue and nationality and other cultural stereotypes is on a real jahiliyah tip, one that Allah and his Prophet alayi salatu wa salaam warned us about... some people need to go read surat al Asr, for real! One of our halaqa leaders always (always) ends dua'a with that- and the reasons are evident. I guess because I've done my share of crushing on various people (and that's all I need to say about that, ain't it?) I know that men of all hues can be mentally and physically attractive. How dare ANYONE lump all of that spark potential into the thin little layers of epidermis and throw away what Allah has given us? It's just taking the easy way out to separate and categorize and stigmatize on skin and culture. It's a lot harder to say, hey, this brother has good adab, appears to all who know him to be trying to get some taqwa, let's look at him a little more, oh, and he's of a brighter/darker hue. No, that's getting too deep into this selection thing. Audhu billah.
Also, it annoys me that the colorstruck members of the American Black ummah, especially brothers, are the ones who are being pointed out in all of this. What is that supposed to mean? Is it supposed to bother me that men of my own hue will search outside of their native country for women with features unlike mine? Or perhaps I'm meant to feel (even more) inferior based on the choices of those who assign no value to me? I love Black men. I was raised by and with Black men. I am thus beloved of Black men. And that's all that means. It takes little away from me to have a Black man love a non-Black woman unless I make it so. I get to choose whether or not to drink the cup of haterade. If Allah has willed an African wife for an African American man, then great for him, and if He hasn't, then great, too. Our trials are assigned, designed, and tailored just for the individual. Don't let me stand in your way.
And too, it annoys me that people automatically assume that I will only accept a Black man for a husband. Sisters come back with, "Well, I don't know of any African American brothers who are single...", I guess immediately discounting other brothers. Why would that be? Anyone who knows even a little about me realizes that I'm very open-minded in my preferences. I am positively Black for myself, that's something that radiates in the air around me, but I can't say that it means everything around me must be Black! Come on, now. It comes back to being put into boxes again on a scale so grand it boggles the mind. If Allah has decided that the best mate for me is not of my hue, then I'd be an outlandishly crazy fool to turn Him down and hunt for what my dunyawi mind and nafs tells me I ought to want. Beyond that, I've been GIVEN criteria to search for what I SHOULD want, so why not let Him lead me to what will make everyone involved happy? Plus be pleasing to Allah? I don't understand how people don't get this.
Or, to put it into a simpler metaphor: I wanted a car. I Asked (made istikara) for a car (and a computer and a husband but let's stick to the car...). And then when people asked, I said I wanted a foreign, youngish, manual trans, dark colored car with just enough leg room. And as I was about to buy that style of car (using riba'a no less, may Allah forgive me) with about 110K miles on it, the deal fell through. And I was led instead to a light colored, domestic, 20 year old, huge car that I paid for cash.
It is impossible for me to be any happier with what I have. I am exstatic. I have a car! It's distinctive and it runs well and I avoided something I KNOW causes the displeasure of the One who loves me most. Good thing I wasn't blinded by all the hues of trouble I could've gotten into.
peace
TwennyTwo
The upside of not having been all about the blog this month is that I've been living. Downside? I miss all the goings-on, all the fun stuff. It's Thanksgiving Day here, and while giving thanks liberally I also had the time to peruse various blogs. Yay!
I stopped over at DP's spot, which led me to Safiya at Outlines, which led me to Umar Lee, and all of them talked in some way about spouses and husbands and interracial relationships etc. So now, my turn to think a lil bit about all of this. And I've been avoiding the topic for such a time as would lend itself to my being open and vulnerable about it.
Y'all know I'm not married. Most of the people who've read this blog came to notice it because of a post that was basically whining about options for young unmarried Muslimas. Or making valid points on the options for unmarried muslimahs, depending on your paradigm. I'm not actively searching; rather making a lot of dua'a after fruitless searches. My eyes are out there but not much else.
In reading the responses to Umar Lee's posts on the topic I've seen a lot of hateration going around, especially when it comes to American Black Women being marriageable. I've seen it so much that I've had to catch myself; at one point I had absorbed the viewpoint that my being Black made me less desireable to Muslims of other races and cultures. I actively have had to reject that inside my own head. Now, you all know that I am intensely glad that Allah saw fit to make me Black, and thankful that I am an educated professional in this country. wa Astaghfirullah. It was abhor-ably easy for me to detect that 'don't bring one of Them home' attitude through the computer screen as well as through my everyday encounters, the chance remarks, the sideways looks and the non-looks. Audhu biIllah. Shaitan is really sneaky on this one.
As for the looking- I've just stopped looking and started making dua'a instead. It's funny that when I mention that I want to get married to some of the sisters who ask about my marital status in this city (I'm new to a lot of people here), they inevitably ask what kind of brother I'm looking for. To which I reply: A good, educated man. Aisha looked at me askance when I gave her my off-the-cuff answer that I didn't care as long as he was educated and spoke Spanish. "Spanish? " she cocked her head at me, really puzzled. "When I stub my toe or yell that's the language I tend to work in," I answered half seriously.
The truth is that I... almost... I want to say 'I don't care', in that peculiarly American way that I have of using that phrase, but that's not specific enough. I don't care- about the small stuff. Or rather, I don't have a picture all prettily painted in my mind, waiting for Allah to *poof* make Optimal Husband appear and ride me into the sunset. I guess somewhere in here I've grown up, because even the idea doesn't appeal any more. Reality sneaks into my dreams daily.
No picture in my mind, hence, I can no longer reel off a gigundo list of qualities, attributes, characteristics, and assets that my future husband MUST have in order to even have a chance at my hand. Used to be ol' boy would be oh, 6'5 1/2" tall (exactly), have a Ph.D or an M.D. in his field of choice, and have impeccable manners, and love his mama to distraction. Now, though, my criteria have been way simplified after I've lived a while and done some praying and contemplating and had some of those loonnnng discussions with people I trust over cups of na'na' late at night. He has to be able to answer these questions:
1) What is your understanding of God, the Qur'an, Salat, the prophets, and the hereafter?
2) How do you feel about children?
3) Describe your relationship with your family, especially your brothers, sisters, and mother.
4) What are your goals?
5) What do you see as your and my responsibilities as Muslims, spouses, and citizens?
6) How do you handle your financial responsibilities?
And before everyone and their wali jumps all over my case, should a brother actually be serious about his suit, I'm prepared to answer those questions as well as other similar ones.
What infuriates and disturbs me is that this whole practice and permissiveness of turning down potential mates based on their skin hue and nationality and other cultural stereotypes is on a real jahiliyah tip, one that Allah and his Prophet alayi salatu wa salaam warned us about... some people need to go read surat al Asr, for real! One of our halaqa leaders always (always) ends dua'a with that- and the reasons are evident. I guess because I've done my share of crushing on various people (and that's all I need to say about that, ain't it?) I know that men of all hues can be mentally and physically attractive. How dare ANYONE lump all of that spark potential into the thin little layers of epidermis and throw away what Allah has given us? It's just taking the easy way out to separate and categorize and stigmatize on skin and culture. It's a lot harder to say, hey, this brother has good adab, appears to all who know him to be trying to get some taqwa, let's look at him a little more, oh, and he's of a brighter/darker hue. No, that's getting too deep into this selection thing. Audhu billah.
Also, it annoys me that the colorstruck members of the American Black ummah, especially brothers, are the ones who are being pointed out in all of this. What is that supposed to mean? Is it supposed to bother me that men of my own hue will search outside of their native country for women with features unlike mine? Or perhaps I'm meant to feel (even more) inferior based on the choices of those who assign no value to me? I love Black men. I was raised by and with Black men. I am thus beloved of Black men. And that's all that means. It takes little away from me to have a Black man love a non-Black woman unless I make it so. I get to choose whether or not to drink the cup of haterade. If Allah has willed an African wife for an African American man, then great for him, and if He hasn't, then great, too. Our trials are assigned, designed, and tailored just for the individual. Don't let me stand in your way.
And too, it annoys me that people automatically assume that I will only accept a Black man for a husband. Sisters come back with, "Well, I don't know of any African American brothers who are single...", I guess immediately discounting other brothers. Why would that be? Anyone who knows even a little about me realizes that I'm very open-minded in my preferences. I am positively Black for myself, that's something that radiates in the air around me, but I can't say that it means everything around me must be Black! Come on, now. It comes back to being put into boxes again on a scale so grand it boggles the mind. If Allah has decided that the best mate for me is not of my hue, then I'd be an outlandishly crazy fool to turn Him down and hunt for what my dunyawi mind and nafs tells me I ought to want. Beyond that, I've been GIVEN criteria to search for what I SHOULD want, so why not let Him lead me to what will make everyone involved happy? Plus be pleasing to Allah? I don't understand how people don't get this.
Or, to put it into a simpler metaphor: I wanted a car. I Asked (made istikara) for a car (and a computer and a husband but let's stick to the car...). And then when people asked, I said I wanted a foreign, youngish, manual trans, dark colored car with just enough leg room. And as I was about to buy that style of car (using riba'a no less, may Allah forgive me) with about 110K miles on it, the deal fell through. And I was led instead to a light colored, domestic, 20 year old, huge car that I paid for cash.
It is impossible for me to be any happier with what I have. I am exstatic. I have a car! It's distinctive and it runs well and I avoided something I KNOW causes the displeasure of the One who loves me most. Good thing I wasn't blinded by all the hues of trouble I could've gotten into.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Oh, and can somebody tell me...
peace
... why there is a big butter-colored statue of a man supposed to be the Prophet Jesus peace be upon him not 20 miles up the road from the biggest masjid on I-75?! Madness. Y'know, as crazy as it got in portareeco they never had that.
I'm just sayin'.
peace
... why there is a big butter-colored statue of a man supposed to be the Prophet Jesus peace be upon him not 20 miles up the road from the biggest masjid on I-75?! Madness. Y'know, as crazy as it got in portareeco they never had that.
I'm just sayin'.
peace
Thursday, July 12, 2007
What's with the fifth degree from Saudi? - and other questions
peace,
It's going to be a looooong weekend.
I'm riding down to my parents' birthplace with my Aunt C. inshaAllah. I actually don't anticipate drama. I think Allah is testing me with this one. I think patience and love will be key. I also plan to enjoy my time with my cousins, especially the one whose birthday is Monday. She's also the youngest and smartest and most sensitive of the bunch, and I miss her. The rest of the time I'll be reading or sleeping- I doubt Aunt C. would unbend enough for me to help them drive, and it's between 9 and 12 hours driving. Which means I'm headed out of here soon. Praying for mercy the entire way.
D. moved to Syracuse, to start his master's studies bootcamp for journalists. I'm definitely going to miss D's presence. I think what confused me so about him is the fact that he's a one in a million friend; one that makes me feel confident, smart, and safe at the same time. I finally figured out that while he's not my future husband, the one for me will have those same qualities times about a hundred and BE MUSLIM. So there. Question resolved. He's enjoying his time in bootcamp and I'm glad; that's something he's wanted to do for a very long time, and I'm glad he's happy with that choice. I also know that that's the end of an era, since I most likely won't be in DC by the time he finishes his studies.
Speaking of DC, yesterday I took my accent seminar students for a field trip to the Capitol and the House Gallery. I think the trip itself went pretty well; But I've got some serious questions. If the congresspeople and the Capitol are supposed to be freely accessible to the people, then why do you have to have separate passes to get to the House galleries, Senate galleries, and the Rotunda? Why do you have to have a Capitol staffer with you to see all three at the same time? One red-shirted guide nearly ticked me off by quite loudly explaining that I didn't have the right pass for the rotunda. I let my students see it anyway (this is MY government, too!), and they snapped photos before the red-shirt controlfreak used a walkie talkie to call a Capitol guard to escort us away. Humph.
And, oh, yeah, we got to see the vote on the bill to support education and decrease in student loan debt. Steve Chabot, I am severely disappointed in you! How dare you vote no on a bill that would help so many of your constituents in Cincinnati to excape from the burdens placed in front of higher ed in this country! One of only 5 who did so as well. I'll be writing a formal letter. So yeah, it was def cool to see my past and present representatives on the floor. When the vote was first called, the floor was empty. My students asked, "Is this it?" and wondered exactly how many people would get to vote... and then they started trickling in. I personally found it fun to see how they were dressed, who they talked to, and how they made the vote- they took these little cards and placed them into a slot, then pushed the button to make their choice; at the end they were asked if they wanted to change their vote, I guess to prevent mistakes. One rep was awesome- she wore a white jacket, black skirt, had her hair elaborately braded into a crown, and a long flowing red scarf over her shoulder. I remember thinking that'd be a killer hijab. It was a thrill to see John Conyers and Charlie Dingel as well as Ambassador Wilson, too. Very cool. I hadn't seen that scene since I left my lobby position my sophomore year.
And then I returned to the school to teach my night class. I met two very nice sisters named Samiya and Fatema, from Jubeid (sp?) in Saudi. They proceeded to ask me fiftyleven questions: Oh, you're Muslim? Where are you from? And your family? No, I mean, are your whole family Muslim? Do you speak Arabic? Oh, so that's what you know? How did you come to Islam?
That last one... geesh. I answer that question so much, yo, after the impromptu interview It was a bit much. But when I gave a general answer "Oh, I took shahada at college, when I was 18", she was all, "But, HOW?!".
Okay. Que rude. Luckily the bell rang and I went to teach my class. My student Ishmael had seen them crowd me in the lobby and said, "I know, they interviewed me, too." It's hilarious, but at the same time, makes me kinda mad. What's up with that?!
Anyhow, I'm off on a journey. Please make dua'a for my grandmother, and for me, and for my family. InshaAllah I'll talk to you all after I get back.
peace
TwennyTwo
It's going to be a looooong weekend.
I'm riding down to my parents' birthplace with my Aunt C. inshaAllah. I actually don't anticipate drama. I think Allah is testing me with this one. I think patience and love will be key. I also plan to enjoy my time with my cousins, especially the one whose birthday is Monday. She's also the youngest and smartest and most sensitive of the bunch, and I miss her. The rest of the time I'll be reading or sleeping- I doubt Aunt C. would unbend enough for me to help them drive, and it's between 9 and 12 hours driving. Which means I'm headed out of here soon. Praying for mercy the entire way.
D. moved to Syracuse, to start his master's studies bootcamp for journalists. I'm definitely going to miss D's presence. I think what confused me so about him is the fact that he's a one in a million friend; one that makes me feel confident, smart, and safe at the same time. I finally figured out that while he's not my future husband, the one for me will have those same qualities times about a hundred and BE MUSLIM. So there. Question resolved. He's enjoying his time in bootcamp and I'm glad; that's something he's wanted to do for a very long time, and I'm glad he's happy with that choice. I also know that that's the end of an era, since I most likely won't be in DC by the time he finishes his studies.
Speaking of DC, yesterday I took my accent seminar students for a field trip to the Capitol and the House Gallery. I think the trip itself went pretty well; But I've got some serious questions. If the congresspeople and the Capitol are supposed to be freely accessible to the people, then why do you have to have separate passes to get to the House galleries, Senate galleries, and the Rotunda? Why do you have to have a Capitol staffer with you to see all three at the same time? One red-shirted guide nearly ticked me off by quite loudly explaining that I didn't have the right pass for the rotunda. I let my students see it anyway (this is MY government, too!), and they snapped photos before the red-shirt controlfreak used a walkie talkie to call a Capitol guard to escort us away. Humph.
And, oh, yeah, we got to see the vote on the bill to support education and decrease in student loan debt. Steve Chabot, I am severely disappointed in you! How dare you vote no on a bill that would help so many of your constituents in Cincinnati to excape from the burdens placed in front of higher ed in this country! One of only 5 who did so as well. I'll be writing a formal letter. So yeah, it was def cool to see my past and present representatives on the floor. When the vote was first called, the floor was empty. My students asked, "Is this it?" and wondered exactly how many people would get to vote... and then they started trickling in. I personally found it fun to see how they were dressed, who they talked to, and how they made the vote- they took these little cards and placed them into a slot, then pushed the button to make their choice; at the end they were asked if they wanted to change their vote, I guess to prevent mistakes. One rep was awesome- she wore a white jacket, black skirt, had her hair elaborately braded into a crown, and a long flowing red scarf over her shoulder. I remember thinking that'd be a killer hijab. It was a thrill to see John Conyers and Charlie Dingel as well as Ambassador Wilson, too. Very cool. I hadn't seen that scene since I left my lobby position my sophomore year.
And then I returned to the school to teach my night class. I met two very nice sisters named Samiya and Fatema, from Jubeid (sp?) in Saudi. They proceeded to ask me fiftyleven questions: Oh, you're Muslim? Where are you from? And your family? No, I mean, are your whole family Muslim? Do you speak Arabic? Oh, so that's what you know? How did you come to Islam?
That last one... geesh. I answer that question so much, yo, after the impromptu interview It was a bit much. But when I gave a general answer "Oh, I took shahada at college, when I was 18", she was all, "But, HOW?!".
Okay. Que rude. Luckily the bell rang and I went to teach my class. My student Ishmael had seen them crowd me in the lobby and said, "I know, they interviewed me, too." It's hilarious, but at the same time, makes me kinda mad. What's up with that?!
Anyhow, I'm off on a journey. Please make dua'a for my grandmother, and for me, and for my family. InshaAllah I'll talk to you all after I get back.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Supreme Court takes Race Out Of Schools...
peace,
Now, posting every 10 days or so...
Sorry. The important thing: Are y'all watching?
ARE YOU WATCHING?!!
It'd be extremist to say that next Brown vs. Board will be overturned. On the other hand, what measures will be used to make sure that the intent of the Brown v. Board rulings will be upheld?
Check whatever news outlet you use to see. This isn't a joke. And if we're not careful no one will even see any segregation and inequality as a problem.
Are you watching?
peace
TwennyTwo
Now, posting every 10 days or so...
Sorry. The important thing: Are y'all watching?
ARE YOU WATCHING?!!
It'd be extremist to say that next Brown vs. Board will be overturned. On the other hand, what measures will be used to make sure that the intent of the Brown v. Board rulings will be upheld?
Check whatever news outlet you use to see. This isn't a joke. And if we're not careful no one will even see any segregation and inequality as a problem.
Are you watching?
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, February 07, 2004
on being tall and uninsured
Submitted to the Radical Women of Color Carnival : RadicalWoC2
If you don't like gross stuff, please skip the next paragraph or two.
What a world, what a day. My toenail fell off today, which is the next step in a long, long scary healthcare-free journey that started when I busted my big toe wide open on December 30th. I remember this quite acutely, because it was the day before my health insurance got cut off. (There, gross stuff done, you can read on now and see what happened.)
See, I was walking into this little tiendita (really like, a small bar, I guess) en Mayaguez, which is a gorgeous city on the eastern side of portareeco, because it was blazin' hot and I wanted a bottle of water. Being that I am over 6 feet tall, I sometimes miss little things on the ground. Like the quarter-inch difference between the outside and the inside floors of the bar. So I slide my sandaled foot right into the tile as I enter, and damaged my poor, pitiful, absolutely gorgeous toe that had done nothing to deserve such ill treatment. Dangit. OooooWEEEE that hurt.
Now, I'm in Mayaguez with a toe that is wide open, and I have to make a decision which I realize is more common than I thought: do I go to the Hospital, or not?
Today, looking back, I can understand why healthcare isn't a bigger issue on the presidential candidates's radar. Until you don't have any kind of health insurance, you don't understand just how crucial it is. Betcha hardly any of those there candidates have had insurance and then lost it. I have a Public Health minor, so insurance is something I'd thought quite a lot about, but not so much until I was injured on the point of not having any. It really changed my thinking.
My particular situation probably isn't uncommon. Last December was the sixth month after I graduated college, and my mother's insurance was going to drop me on the last day of the year. Being that I'm twennytwo and an official grownup and all.
I even had a job at that point, a relatively good one. I'm a teacher at a public middle school. But no health insurance. I had to ask about it for months, and no one really came up with a satisfactory answer. Should I have had a benefits orientation when I was hired? Certainly. Did I ask the teachers union representative at my school about it? Yup. I had to stay after the man for two months before he passed me a phone number. That phone number led to more hours of frustration before someone got around to telling me that that particular bureau handled the free healthcare for which I don't qualify. Did I spend enough time looking for private insurance? Of course. It was too expensive. The irony was that I earn too much, according to government calculations, to qualify for the puerto rican health care card, and I earned too little to afford most private insurance. Suing the people who own the bar was out of the question for me; THAT STEP SHOULD HAVE BEEN MARKED, but I should've been looking where I was going. I could see on their faces, while the woman offered to put isopropyl on it, that they were terrified I would sue. I couldn't be the typical lawsuit-hungry american in that situation. It was as much my fault as theirs. But no lawsuit and not registering with the police meant I was on my own if my toe fell off or got infected. As it did.
How many other people have passed this very way?
Shout if you can testify!
I called my mother way back in Cincinnati to tell her the news; she wanted me to visit the hospital. Me being my twennytwo year old stubborn self, decided not to. I wasn't dead, just bleeding and in pain. I wanted to fully taste the vagaries of life without health insurance. My friends Isabel and Pedro took me back to their house, where I cleaned my foot in a tub of cold water, slathered it with neosporin (with the pain killer in), and dosed myself with panadol and coquito. Dont worry, the coquito was alcohol free and darn good.
I managed to shake and salsa my way across the dance floor three days later at Isa and Pedro's wedding, bum foot and all. And for the next 5 weeks I kept up with my toes myself, with no insurance. I'm still alive, and most days I forgot all about it. Until today, when I'm rocking in my garden underneath a beautiful bright white moon and look down to see my toenail isn't there. Then, I thank God I eventually did find health insurance (Much love and strength to Nilda and Fernando G. for hooking me up with the right people to do so), so I don't have to freak out about losing some body part more important to my health.
And I don't have kids, don't have parents to care for, I'm not responsible for anybody but myself. Can you imagine if I had had that happen to a five year old child? I have plenty of twennytwo year old friends with kids older than that. i Imaginate !
I made it without healthcare insurance. The uncertainty and consequences of not having it are something I wouldn't wish on anyone, anywhere in the world. Especially not the twennysomethings who are just starting to take responsibility for the world. Not anyone whose situation could end up so much worse, way worse than me.
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