Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Back...
assalamu alaikum,
MashaAllah, I'm happy to see you, too! It's been a while, hasn't it?
Today in class we're talking about the CN*L role. CNL means Clin!cal Nur$e Le@der; the program for which I'm studying grants a Master of Science in Nursing degree at the end (please, Lord!), but we also have the option which is pretty strongly pushed to go for the CNL certification.
I was thinking this morning that I really (really) regret not blogging though the beginning of my nursing school career. This is why. I'd love to be able to look back and see how my thinking has changed.
I decided ultimately not to blog, though; partly because I didnt have time, and partly because I didn't want this to become a recording of teh negatives I'm feeling. I really need to be able to look back and remember my 'alhamdulillah' moments.
Next entry: CNM? CNL? MSN? OMG! GMOOH!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
And A blessed Eid alAdha to you
assalamu alaikum,
So, the day is nearly done. Eid Mubarak! This Eid was much, much happier than the last. Partly because I opened my mouth to May and asked her to call me. "Why?", she asked.
So then I told her about the Eids that I spent crying because I felt lonely and out of touch.
Y'all, I dunno- I feel like people my age don't do a good job of keeping in touch or something. That's a side note. And a stinky thought. *sigh*.
Today was good. We had breakfast together and played word games. We went to the prayer just in time to squeeze in the back. I wore the new grey abaya that I bought at ISNA, plus a LIME GREEN HIJAB. It was that loud. :D
I needed some cheer in my life! Though the day began mildly, it was colder when I left the house than when I woke, and by the time I got back to my car after the prayers, it started to rain. It rained cats, dogs, and flying pigs, y'all. All summer people prayed for rain, and now we've got it.
I miss writing here. I miss being able to talk to myself or to my 'community'. I miss the feeling of sisterhood and brotherhood that was much more present when IzzyMo and UmZayd's blogs were active, when I didn't have so much going on and didn't have a facebook account.
What do I need to talk to myself about?
The Guy.
Job/work needs and prospects
The Year of M.ore work that I'm doing/ not doing
Family schtuff
Old and new friends.
I mean, what DO people blog about?
As I recall, when I first first first started blogging at Sherry's behest, one of my many itentions was to keep a record of what happened. So much is going on.
I took the day off class, though, and so duty to myself calls. I really don't want to have my butt cemented to a chair tomorrow. I guess it'll have to wait. Again.
But Eid Sa'eed! Mine was. Alhamdulillah.
peace
twennytwo
So, the day is nearly done. Eid Mubarak! This Eid was much, much happier than the last. Partly because I opened my mouth to May and asked her to call me. "Why?", she asked.
So then I told her about the Eids that I spent crying because I felt lonely and out of touch.
Y'all, I dunno- I feel like people my age don't do a good job of keeping in touch or something. That's a side note. And a stinky thought. *sigh*.
Today was good. We had breakfast together and played word games. We went to the prayer just in time to squeeze in the back. I wore the new grey abaya that I bought at ISNA, plus a LIME GREEN HIJAB. It was that loud. :D
I needed some cheer in my life! Though the day began mildly, it was colder when I left the house than when I woke, and by the time I got back to my car after the prayers, it started to rain. It rained cats, dogs, and flying pigs, y'all. All summer people prayed for rain, and now we've got it.
I miss writing here. I miss being able to talk to myself or to my 'community'. I miss the feeling of sisterhood and brotherhood that was much more present when IzzyMo and UmZayd's blogs were active, when I didn't have so much going on and didn't have a facebook account.
What do I need to talk to myself about?
The Guy.
Job/work needs and prospects
The Year of M.ore work that I'm doing/ not doing
Family schtuff
Old and new friends.
I mean, what DO people blog about?
As I recall, when I first first first started blogging at Sherry's behest, one of my many itentions was to keep a record of what happened. So much is going on.
I took the day off class, though, and so duty to myself calls. I really don't want to have my butt cemented to a chair tomorrow. I guess it'll have to wait. Again.
But Eid Sa'eed! Mine was. Alhamdulillah.
peace
twennytwo
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Marching on
assalamu alaikum,
ALHAMDULILLAH!
I got into nursing school!
:oD
Yes, that's a bigole grin on my face. So much has been going on that the actual acceptnce was a relief. I'll be doing my master's in nursing at the local Catholic university.
I have wanted this for SO long. It's truly terrifying to be without income (except loans) for 2 years. Y'all know me; I never have just one job.
Still, I promised myself I'd never work and do school again. Right now I'm focusing on scholarships and grants. If I have to take loans, then... Allah knows best. I've busted my backside to get my loans as low as they are now. I suppose I need to take Spring Break and find a summer tutoring position. Or something. If I could clean my credit card completely by the end of the summer I'd feel a lot better. I already have some babysitting/tutoring lined up; it's going to be a full summer! Ramadhan- and the start of school- will feel like a relief.
I turned in my letter of resignation last week; it followed some drama. As one of the other staff members told me, "Girl, you have impeccable timing." I haven't been writing about it, but I put up with a lot of shtuff off of the administrators- either bad management and manners, or complete lack of leadership which is worse in one or two ways- and I did it with the view of school firmly in front of me. The principal took it into his head to yell at me in front of people a few times, and made his apologies as quiet as a mouse. I think for me that's what made my application seriously. I made istikhara on it. I'm not saying it's okay for me to be wrong, and I certainly accept a reprimand when it's due. What's not okay is you losing your professionalism or behaving as if you own me. Which this school certainly does not- they're losing another teacher this year to a $10K raise in salary, in a nicer climate. I'm very happy for everyone who has what they want.
Speaking of which, BAM just had the 'inlaws' walima. I'm really excited for him; can't wait to meet his wife. I wondered, when the healthcare bill passed, if it would have affected whether or not they married; but the fact is, I saw it in his eyes when he talked about his now-wife. He's crazy 'bout that girl. So it's good they're together, for whatever reason.
Which leads me to April being a very busy month, in part because we're going to a matrimonial session in DC. Imam Magid is running it; and a group of us are 'tripping it. That's the third weekend in April; this weekend I'm headed to see my great-grandmother with my sister. That won't be as fun a trip as I'd hoped; we'll be cooking for my grandfather and great-grandmother and making sure they're comfortable... G'mama is nearly 100 years old. Even two or three days with her are precious.
Then, the next week is the Conservopolis version of the Amazing Race. This year we want to win it!
And then the last weekend... well, the last weekend is the weekend before May, when the kids will have Field Day, the last Field Trip, and the annual school fund raiser. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
The hardest part for me- beyond cleaning out that classroom- will be the 4th quarter push. I need to take Spring Break and rest, so I can push through it. The last quarter of the year has always been about yearning for Summer for me, and my birthday, and just generally not wanting to teach. After the 1st week of May it's really over. I'm planning on teaching calligraphy- a few of my kids have terrible handwriting, but most of them are artistic and will enjoy that as much as I do- and doing a lot of reading discussion. They've got to study grammar, too. It's hard to fight my own attitude and realize that this one year is all I've had with them. Just like my years with my kids in PR, and VA. I know I will be asked about what I taught, and what they learned. I can only make dua'a that it's enough.
*sigh* I'm ti-yeerd. iA I'll get back to y'all later...
peace
twennytwo
ALHAMDULILLAH!
I got into nursing school!
:oD
Yes, that's a bigole grin on my face. So much has been going on that the actual acceptnce was a relief. I'll be doing my master's in nursing at the local Catholic university.
I have wanted this for SO long. It's truly terrifying to be without income (except loans) for 2 years. Y'all know me; I never have just one job.
Still, I promised myself I'd never work and do school again. Right now I'm focusing on scholarships and grants. If I have to take loans, then... Allah knows best. I've busted my backside to get my loans as low as they are now. I suppose I need to take Spring Break and find a summer tutoring position. Or something. If I could clean my credit card completely by the end of the summer I'd feel a lot better. I already have some babysitting/tutoring lined up; it's going to be a full summer! Ramadhan- and the start of school- will feel like a relief.
I turned in my letter of resignation last week; it followed some drama. As one of the other staff members told me, "Girl, you have impeccable timing." I haven't been writing about it, but I put up with a lot of shtuff off of the administrators- either bad management and manners, or complete lack of leadership which is worse in one or two ways- and I did it with the view of school firmly in front of me. The principal took it into his head to yell at me in front of people a few times, and made his apologies as quiet as a mouse. I think for me that's what made my application seriously. I made istikhara on it. I'm not saying it's okay for me to be wrong, and I certainly accept a reprimand when it's due. What's not okay is you losing your professionalism or behaving as if you own me. Which this school certainly does not- they're losing another teacher this year to a $10K raise in salary, in a nicer climate. I'm very happy for everyone who has what they want.
Speaking of which, BAM just had the 'inlaws' walima. I'm really excited for him; can't wait to meet his wife. I wondered, when the healthcare bill passed, if it would have affected whether or not they married; but the fact is, I saw it in his eyes when he talked about his now-wife. He's crazy 'bout that girl. So it's good they're together, for whatever reason.
Which leads me to April being a very busy month, in part because we're going to a matrimonial session in DC. Imam Magid is running it; and a group of us are 'tripping it. That's the third weekend in April; this weekend I'm headed to see my great-grandmother with my sister. That won't be as fun a trip as I'd hoped; we'll be cooking for my grandfather and great-grandmother and making sure they're comfortable... G'mama is nearly 100 years old. Even two or three days with her are precious.
Then, the next week is the Conservopolis version of the Amazing Race. This year we want to win it!
And then the last weekend... well, the last weekend is the weekend before May, when the kids will have Field Day, the last Field Trip, and the annual school fund raiser. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
The hardest part for me- beyond cleaning out that classroom- will be the 4th quarter push. I need to take Spring Break and rest, so I can push through it. The last quarter of the year has always been about yearning for Summer for me, and my birthday, and just generally not wanting to teach. After the 1st week of May it's really over. I'm planning on teaching calligraphy- a few of my kids have terrible handwriting, but most of them are artistic and will enjoy that as much as I do- and doing a lot of reading discussion. They've got to study grammar, too. It's hard to fight my own attitude and realize that this one year is all I've had with them. Just like my years with my kids in PR, and VA. I know I will be asked about what I taught, and what they learned. I can only make dua'a that it's enough.
*sigh* I'm ti-yeerd. iA I'll get back to y'all later...
peace
twennytwo
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
5 Things I love
assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah
bismillah
Who can't take time to think about just five things they love? Well, I got the flu, so now I really WANT to. Priorities...! So, in no order at all...
1. Sunshine.
This year I feel as if I'm almost caught up on my sunshine quota. Just sitting in sunlight makes me happy, and I have always been so. These days the light right after Asr time (late afternoon) flows through the old leaky picture windows and creates this warm happy glaze and I'm happy to sit, chin on knees, atop the down staircase for an hour and let it soothe and revive me. (Vitamin D, ya know.) Even the worst of days can contain a little sun!
2. Good Advice.
I love living near my family again for this. And studying personal finance has really given me mental peace, pieces of which were certainly missing last year. But good things tie together. My women's halaqa leader's full of awesome advice, and I've felt better since starting to follow it. I've been creating my own lunches in the school kitchen (since, why not?), and I'm more tickled by my idea of using cheap baby spinach in my sandwiches instead of lettuce, and using instant coffee to make 'iced coffee' at work, than a slew of other things. My mother's advice on letting the kids' grades fall where they may was also excellent. Also? I take that finance course with like 6 couples, one of whom is a cop, who told me to just pay the ticket (and avoid the court fees). Good solid advice just rocks.
3. Handiwork.
Until recently, my bed was covered by an old quilt my great-grandmother made. This year I've noticed that as a school team, we tend to connect best over things we produce. I wore a certain green skirt to school and was talking about sewing with other teachers all day- we're going to have another sewing party! The engagement of another teacher here meant bringing desserts for her celebration, and the discussion of buy vs bake and how to make filled the halls with good cheer. Even the male gym teacher made homestyle chutney to go inside an Eid exchange gift bag. We lose a lot of the human touch of craft and care in these professional and service jobs, but for me, crafts and hand work will always be a touchstone.
4. Prepping the night before
Ah, this is not a lifehack. No, no it's not. It's one of the keys to my happiness. I didn't realize until I started doing it again that being ready for the next day before bed is just awesome. It's not just 'ooh, I'm ready, I get 5 more minutes in bed'- though that's plenty nice!- but that I spend 10 minutes ironing and talking to my father. Or cooking and laughing with my mother. I'm not worried about breakfast because it's all ready to go. My picture-day outfit really does look okay. It takes a million sad or stressed moments out of my day, being ready at night. Plus I'm a night owl. Things don't get started for me until sunset. Planning and doing things in the night is another way for me to feel like I'm living my life in the when that I prefer.
5. Henna
I still recall (and have a photo of it!) getting henna for the first time as a new Muslim. I love everything about it: the mixing and sifting and making just the right formula, the flexibility in use from head to toe, how the designs and use are so traditional and even a sunnah. But also that to beautify with henna takes patience and time, even as you can share it with so many. My secret is that I love that henna is a way for me to take Brown back, a beautiful, varied, and natural color that is so often ignored or treated as a non-color. (Don't believe me? What does 'colored' eyes mean to you?) So each time I mix henna personally I make it my mission to get that deep dark near ebony color and spicy, light aroma, like tea, that keep the henna subtly on the wearer's mind.
What 5 things do you love?
UmmLayth tagged me, and I took my sweet time about it, but this was a fun moment in my morning. I tag: Koonj baji, Umm Ibrahim, Yangd, Jo, Nzingha, LuckyFatima, and anyone else who wants it. Not sure if anyone will do it but it was fun doing it, so enjoy.
bismillah
Who can't take time to think about just five things they love? Well, I got the flu, so now I really WANT to. Priorities...! So, in no order at all...
1. Sunshine.
This year I feel as if I'm almost caught up on my sunshine quota. Just sitting in sunlight makes me happy, and I have always been so. These days the light right after Asr time (late afternoon) flows through the old leaky picture windows and creates this warm happy glaze and I'm happy to sit, chin on knees, atop the down staircase for an hour and let it soothe and revive me. (Vitamin D, ya know.) Even the worst of days can contain a little sun!
2. Good Advice.
I love living near my family again for this. And studying personal finance has really given me mental peace, pieces of which were certainly missing last year. But good things tie together. My women's halaqa leader's full of awesome advice, and I've felt better since starting to follow it. I've been creating my own lunches in the school kitchen (since, why not?), and I'm more tickled by my idea of using cheap baby spinach in my sandwiches instead of lettuce, and using instant coffee to make 'iced coffee' at work, than a slew of other things. My mother's advice on letting the kids' grades fall where they may was also excellent. Also? I take that finance course with like 6 couples, one of whom is a cop, who told me to just pay the ticket (and avoid the court fees). Good solid advice just rocks.
3. Handiwork.
Until recently, my bed was covered by an old quilt my great-grandmother made. This year I've noticed that as a school team, we tend to connect best over things we produce. I wore a certain green skirt to school and was talking about sewing with other teachers all day- we're going to have another sewing party! The engagement of another teacher here meant bringing desserts for her celebration, and the discussion of buy vs bake and how to make filled the halls with good cheer. Even the male gym teacher made homestyle chutney to go inside an Eid exchange gift bag. We lose a lot of the human touch of craft and care in these professional and service jobs, but for me, crafts and hand work will always be a touchstone.
4. Prepping the night before
Ah, this is not a lifehack. No, no it's not. It's one of the keys to my happiness. I didn't realize until I started doing it again that being ready for the next day before bed is just awesome. It's not just 'ooh, I'm ready, I get 5 more minutes in bed'- though that's plenty nice!- but that I spend 10 minutes ironing and talking to my father. Or cooking and laughing with my mother. I'm not worried about breakfast because it's all ready to go. My picture-day outfit really does look okay. It takes a million sad or stressed moments out of my day, being ready at night. Plus I'm a night owl. Things don't get started for me until sunset. Planning and doing things in the night is another way for me to feel like I'm living my life in the when that I prefer.
5. Henna
I still recall (and have a photo of it!) getting henna for the first time as a new Muslim. I love everything about it: the mixing and sifting and making just the right formula, the flexibility in use from head to toe, how the designs and use are so traditional and even a sunnah. But also that to beautify with henna takes patience and time, even as you can share it with so many. My secret is that I love that henna is a way for me to take Brown back, a beautiful, varied, and natural color that is so often ignored or treated as a non-color. (Don't believe me? What does 'colored' eyes mean to you?) So each time I mix henna personally I make it my mission to get that deep dark near ebony color and spicy, light aroma, like tea, that keep the henna subtly on the wearer's mind.
What 5 things do you love?
UmmLayth tagged me, and I took my sweet time about it, but this was a fun moment in my morning. I tag: Koonj baji, Umm Ibrahim, Yangd, Jo, Nzingha, LuckyFatima, and anyone else who wants it. Not sure if anyone will do it but it was fun doing it, so enjoy.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Oh man
assalamu alaikum
I have a meeting at 10 for the first time in a month and a half.
I have a curriculum to write and a 40 minute commute in that time.
Hold me.
Good news is, it's the last time I'll be looking at curriculum for that grade, iA. Then I'm off to the big bad world of the older students. And, hey, at least I have a job. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.
... make dua'a for me, please.
peace
TwennyTwo
I have a meeting at 10 for the first time in a month and a half.
I have a curriculum to write and a 40 minute commute in that time.
Hold me.
Good news is, it's the last time I'll be looking at curriculum for that grade, iA. Then I'm off to the big bad world of the older students. And, hey, at least I have a job. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.
... make dua'a for me, please.
peace
TwennyTwo
Friday, July 24, 2009
And then life got bizz-ayy
assalamu alaikum,
Okay, so the Fawak.ih Intensive has been making life super busy. I'm staying at the home of my most gracious friend, and that has really made it easy. I realized- between Nene's wedding, ISNA/Independence Day in DC, and now this, I haven't been home more than 3 days at a time this summer since the last week in June. I'm cherishing it, too. I think the reason I put up with being a teacher in part is the long summers, my best season, in which to spend my time as I please.
So this summer for one month I've chosen to spend my time learning Arabic in the intensive program. I'm beginning to think that programs like this may not be for me, though. Or, I have to reconfigure how I do them. Since I'm staying with my amiga, who lives in the city but nearly an hour away, we miss a lot just in transportation time. Nearly 2 hours each day goes to riding back and forth on the highway- and of course, it's construction season, so that can suddenly be longer in a flash. If I really wanted to study, I'd see about getting a room in the hotel in front of the institute. However, last year I stayed there and got VERY ill- and a lot of the women staying there are getting sick this time- so I'll take a few missed days/hours and inshaAllah stay healthy.
I love the course. I love languages (BAM and The Muslimah can attest), and though learning this one isn't a cakewalk, it's still a worthwhile pursuit. Of course, I made the intention to learn fisabilillah before I went to the program. Which is good, because this is coming with some tests!
First thing is jobs. Alhamdulillah, I still have a job after what I wouldn't call an excellent year, last year. But. I left the school year extremely frustrated with the school, administration, the way things were left previously... etc. In other words, I was ready for a break. I didn't actually stop working until the last week of June, well after the other teachers left, because I was dealing with a mess that the teachers previously had left, but one that I hadn't taken the time to organize.
Annnnnd... so of course I get calls this week and it stresses me out. I'm glad to be moving to a new position (older kids, in an area where I have more experience, inshaAllah) in the school, and I know that even having a job is a blessing right about now. But OMG. My blood pressure and heart rate are jacked just thinking about it. I need a different job, yo. This is my last year.
Then? Of course, it just so happens that my celebrity crush is one of the lecturers at the Fawa.kih program. I don't know how much I need to say about that. But um, yeah. Glad my skin isn't pale, because I surely was flushed and flustered half the time. That was a nice feeling, though...ah, I don't know how to explain it.
My friend and I came up with a new joke, though: Como es que se baje la vista de un hombre bajo? Ask me in the comments if you don't speak Spanish/can't find a translator/don't get the joke.
And? I've sewed a couple of pairs of pants since I've been here, including one for my amiga, which came out really well. It really does give you a boost when you feel as if you are well dressed, and it's fun to be able to say to the other ladies, yes, I sewed them myself, and it's easy, and I'd be happy to show you! Such a feeling of accomplishment, mashaAllah.
So, that's the update. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I need to go study for an exam... Yay, Arabic!
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, so the Fawak.ih Intensive has been making life super busy. I'm staying at the home of my most gracious friend, and that has really made it easy. I realized- between Nene's wedding, ISNA/Independence Day in DC, and now this, I haven't been home more than 3 days at a time this summer since the last week in June. I'm cherishing it, too. I think the reason I put up with being a teacher in part is the long summers, my best season, in which to spend my time as I please.
So this summer for one month I've chosen to spend my time learning Arabic in the intensive program. I'm beginning to think that programs like this may not be for me, though. Or, I have to reconfigure how I do them. Since I'm staying with my amiga, who lives in the city but nearly an hour away, we miss a lot just in transportation time. Nearly 2 hours each day goes to riding back and forth on the highway- and of course, it's construction season, so that can suddenly be longer in a flash. If I really wanted to study, I'd see about getting a room in the hotel in front of the institute. However, last year I stayed there and got VERY ill- and a lot of the women staying there are getting sick this time- so I'll take a few missed days/hours and inshaAllah stay healthy.
I love the course. I love languages (BAM and The Muslimah can attest), and though learning this one isn't a cakewalk, it's still a worthwhile pursuit. Of course, I made the intention to learn fisabilillah before I went to the program. Which is good, because this is coming with some tests!
First thing is jobs. Alhamdulillah, I still have a job after what I wouldn't call an excellent year, last year. But. I left the school year extremely frustrated with the school, administration, the way things were left previously... etc. In other words, I was ready for a break. I didn't actually stop working until the last week of June, well after the other teachers left, because I was dealing with a mess that the teachers previously had left, but one that I hadn't taken the time to organize.
Annnnnd... so of course I get calls this week and it stresses me out. I'm glad to be moving to a new position (older kids, in an area where I have more experience, inshaAllah) in the school, and I know that even having a job is a blessing right about now. But OMG. My blood pressure and heart rate are jacked just thinking about it. I need a different job, yo. This is my last year.
Then? Of course, it just so happens that my celebrity crush is one of the lecturers at the Fawa.kih program. I don't know how much I need to say about that. But um, yeah. Glad my skin isn't pale, because I surely was flushed and flustered half the time. That was a nice feeling, though...ah, I don't know how to explain it.
My friend and I came up with a new joke, though: Como es que se baje la vista de un hombre bajo? Ask me in the comments if you don't speak Spanish/can't find a translator/don't get the joke.
And? I've sewed a couple of pairs of pants since I've been here, including one for my amiga, which came out really well. It really does give you a boost when you feel as if you are well dressed, and it's fun to be able to say to the other ladies, yes, I sewed them myself, and it's easy, and I'd be happy to show you! Such a feeling of accomplishment, mashaAllah.
So, that's the update. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I need to go study for an exam... Yay, Arabic!
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Twenny Ate
assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
I remember on D's last b-day I called and was teasing unmercifully about reaching 28. Teasing based on a faulty premise that I don't subscribe to; mainly that getting older is a bad thing. I have seen enough death and personal tragedy to understand that birthdays are blessings, every single one. They don't have the guarantee that death and entropy do.
Ah, and now it's my turn to reflect on 27.
The other day I was in Rochester, NY for my friend Nene's wedding, which was beautiful, and a lot of fun. I think because I was in a crowd of Black and Latino folk (she's black, he's portareecan) I thought back to my college days. I wouldn't take nothing for my journey, but I still feel the love of the people and culture I met during those days.
My work this year wore me down, but I learned a lot of lessons, mainly that I need to do what I want to do when I want it, based on my own values. You'd think that a 27 year old woman would get that, but ah, the lesson needs drilling. Apparently. I love the children, am grateful to be working with little muslims, but now I know that this is my hatching ground, and that I'm due to fly from it sooner rather than later.
I learned that my body? Is mashaAllah amazing. I finished a half-marathon. I finished slowly. But I finished. I also learned that diabetes is stalking me regardless of all that training... and I'm taking care of myself more. I learned that food isn't my best friend, since I already knew it wasn't my enemy.
I learned that I'm a pig for some love. Family, students, friends- I need affection in doses that others would find smothering. I'm learning to be okay with that.
I remembered skills and joys I had forgotten. I think I'm going to get sick of my gauchos after a while, but the satisfaction of making them with my own hands was wonderful. I can still make killer salted oatmeal cookies, even if I have to eat one and give the rest away. And nothing will ever compare to a long drive in the country and woods at the end of a warm day.
I finally realised that even though I am a child of an age of entitlement, I can make my own dreams come true best when I am serving others. I am happy when I learn that a small advice I lent helped another sister find happiness and some self-reflection. I need to lean on other shoulders. I need to be needed.
Procrastination might be natural, but Allah swt has given us all tools to work against the worst of our natures- and with the best of it. Still up to me to grasp the tools and get to work, though. And now I know that organization isn't just a luxury, but for me it's something worth the battles with myself. I realised that to love the examples in my deen and to increase my iman and to love the nabi I follow is not shameful, but it's okay.
Companionship, true companionship, is something I pray for; thank God for my friends, the true-blue homies, the ones who are in the mud and the glory with me.
Twenty-seven is a wrap. Alhamdulillah, let the games of twenny eight begin.
fimanillah
Twenny Two
I remember on D's last b-day I called and was teasing unmercifully about reaching 28. Teasing based on a faulty premise that I don't subscribe to; mainly that getting older is a bad thing. I have seen enough death and personal tragedy to understand that birthdays are blessings, every single one. They don't have the guarantee that death and entropy do.
Ah, and now it's my turn to reflect on 27.
The other day I was in Rochester, NY for my friend Nene's wedding, which was beautiful, and a lot of fun. I think because I was in a crowd of Black and Latino folk (she's black, he's portareecan) I thought back to my college days. I wouldn't take nothing for my journey, but I still feel the love of the people and culture I met during those days.
My work this year wore me down, but I learned a lot of lessons, mainly that I need to do what I want to do when I want it, based on my own values. You'd think that a 27 year old woman would get that, but ah, the lesson needs drilling. Apparently. I love the children, am grateful to be working with little muslims, but now I know that this is my hatching ground, and that I'm due to fly from it sooner rather than later.
I learned that my body? Is mashaAllah amazing. I finished a half-marathon. I finished slowly. But I finished. I also learned that diabetes is stalking me regardless of all that training... and I'm taking care of myself more. I learned that food isn't my best friend, since I already knew it wasn't my enemy.
I learned that I'm a pig for some love. Family, students, friends- I need affection in doses that others would find smothering. I'm learning to be okay with that.
I remembered skills and joys I had forgotten. I think I'm going to get sick of my gauchos after a while, but the satisfaction of making them with my own hands was wonderful. I can still make killer salted oatmeal cookies, even if I have to eat one and give the rest away. And nothing will ever compare to a long drive in the country and woods at the end of a warm day.
I finally realised that even though I am a child of an age of entitlement, I can make my own dreams come true best when I am serving others. I am happy when I learn that a small advice I lent helped another sister find happiness and some self-reflection. I need to lean on other shoulders. I need to be needed.
Procrastination might be natural, but Allah swt has given us all tools to work against the worst of our natures- and with the best of it. Still up to me to grasp the tools and get to work, though. And now I know that organization isn't just a luxury, but for me it's something worth the battles with myself. I realised that to love the examples in my deen and to increase my iman and to love the nabi I follow is not shameful, but it's okay.
Companionship, true companionship, is something I pray for; thank God for my friends, the true-blue homies, the ones who are in the mud and the glory with me.
Twenty-seven is a wrap. Alhamdulillah, let the games of twenny eight begin.
fimanillah
Twenny Two
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Un poco perdida
Assalamu Alaikum,
I dunno, my soul feels hispanoparlante, so forgive me if you don't read Spanish.
Me encuentro un poco perdida. No, y más que un poco.
Pero, ¿porqué?
Primero, es que siento traicionada. No solamente por el hecho del casamiento del niño, sino porque, otra vez me encuentro aquí, al medio año, sin casarme y sin prospetos en el área de casamiento. Por más que trato de negarlo, de ignorarlo, eso duele, mano. Duele mucho.
Faltan 30 días para mi vigesimo-octavo cumpleaños.
Tambien me siento apresionada de una manera súbtil, lo que me trae hasta la locura. Cuando yo llegue a mi lugar de empleo, lo dije al jefe bien claro: no soy una mujer sumamente organizada. Limpia, sí; organizada, no. Pero por entonces se le ha occurido no menos que dos veces a la mes condenarme por no ser organizada.
Hasta que, ahora no es que no soy organizada sino que me encuentro evitando, escaseando organizar. Primero porque, no sé cómo hacerlo. Y segundo, una llega a resentir mucho los característicos mas comentados, siento que me han dado hasta que sangra sin decir nada y estoy llegando al grito.
Además, me encantan los lugares organizados. No hay nadie que dé cursos de organizacion en universidad, pero eso es exactamente lo que preciso.
En otros lados, estaba hablando con una amiga el otro dia, y mencionó que un matrimonio que ella conozca estan pasando por problemas. Hasta me hizo hacer duaá por ellos, porque yo si intimamente entiendo lo que estan pasando: la mujer pasará muchas problemas en parir, y por entonces el hombre quiere casarse con otra mujer (son musulmanes y no permanezcan aquí en los EEUU). A ella le dará mucho si él tuviera otra matrimonio a la véz, y tampoco quiere divorciarse; él no quiere pasarse de su derecho de tener hijos y no quiere perjudicarle el salud a su primera mujer.
Ayyyyy que caso. Fíjate.
Aprecio mucho que por lo menos mi amiga no mencionó los especificos de la situación, ya que entiendo lo doloroso pueda ser si salga quiénes son.
Lo veo de ambos lados. Me habían dicho alguna vez que no podrìa tener hijos. Imaginate, ser mujer negra, alta, Y¿ esteríl? ¡ NUNCA me casaría! Especialmente en ésta comunidad de musulmanes, tan enfocados en procreación. Estaba muy nerviosa hasta que resolvieron lo que me pasaba. Y, a mi me encantan los niños; siempre he dicho que me gustaría tener a lo menos cinco. (jajaja, y todas mis amigas hasta hoy me dicen... espere hasta que tienes el primero, aver...)
Por eso es que, aunque no soy muy celosa, he caminado en los pasos de la mujer en ese matrimonio, y hice duà que Alá subjanaju wa taàla le resolviera lo que paso entre ella y su esposo.
Tambien lo veo por el ról del esposo. Imagina que te enamoras con un hombre, y tenías posibilidad de casarse con otro a la vez, es decir, tener matrimonio polígamo. Como te casaste "por amor", y amas al primer hombre, no lo quieres dejar. Pero a la vez, quieres cinco hijos- o por lo menos, dos, si Dios quiere- y el amor de tu vida, tu primer hombre, esta planteado a frente del vìa. ¿Què harías? Aunque le dolía mucho a mi esposo, no puedo decir que decidiera a favor de no casarme con hombre que me diera hijo. Y como quiera nadie va salir ileso de la situacion. Tengo que orar por ambos.
¿Qué mas? Aún estoy de recuperación del choque del otro día. De verdad salió que el seguro de la mujer habìa vencido hace tiempo, lo que llevó la compañia a negarlo, y por entonces mis rates van a subir, thanks! Lo que me preocupa es que cuando me cotejaron el nivel de glucosa en mi sangre estaba sumamente alta, indicación nueva que el diabetes genetica de mi familia me caza de nuevo. Cosa es, que cada vez que paso por el examen de ayuno, mis nùmeros y niveles salen bajitos. No lo entiendo, pues hay mas duaá que hacer. Cosa buena que salio del dia pésimo que era mi mièrcoles: actuè como intèrprete por un hombre que estaba alla con su gerente (ambos trabajadores en una compañia de comida muy popular), y no solamente me dieron certificado para comida gratis, pero el doctor y la gerente de su oficina estaban tan impresionados, que me pidieron una tarjeta de informacion, ¡ para llamarme si es que me necesitan de nuevo! ¡Aljamdulilá!
Ahora, tengo que encontrar impresora.... pero finalmente, ¿no es un problema deseable?
peace
TwennyTwo
I dunno, my soul feels hispanoparlante, so forgive me if you don't read Spanish.
Me encuentro un poco perdida. No, y más que un poco.
Pero, ¿porqué?
Primero, es que siento traicionada. No solamente por el hecho del casamiento del niño, sino porque, otra vez me encuentro aquí, al medio año, sin casarme y sin prospetos en el área de casamiento. Por más que trato de negarlo, de ignorarlo, eso duele, mano. Duele mucho.
Faltan 30 días para mi vigesimo-octavo cumpleaños.
Tambien me siento apresionada de una manera súbtil, lo que me trae hasta la locura. Cuando yo llegue a mi lugar de empleo, lo dije al jefe bien claro: no soy una mujer sumamente organizada. Limpia, sí; organizada, no. Pero por entonces se le ha occurido no menos que dos veces a la mes condenarme por no ser organizada.
Hasta que, ahora no es que no soy organizada sino que me encuentro evitando, escaseando organizar. Primero porque, no sé cómo hacerlo. Y segundo, una llega a resentir mucho los característicos mas comentados, siento que me han dado hasta que sangra sin decir nada y estoy llegando al grito.
Además, me encantan los lugares organizados. No hay nadie que dé cursos de organizacion en universidad, pero eso es exactamente lo que preciso.
En otros lados, estaba hablando con una amiga el otro dia, y mencionó que un matrimonio que ella conozca estan pasando por problemas. Hasta me hizo hacer duaá por ellos, porque yo si intimamente entiendo lo que estan pasando: la mujer pasará muchas problemas en parir, y por entonces el hombre quiere casarse con otra mujer (son musulmanes y no permanezcan aquí en los EEUU). A ella le dará mucho si él tuviera otra matrimonio a la véz, y tampoco quiere divorciarse; él no quiere pasarse de su derecho de tener hijos y no quiere perjudicarle el salud a su primera mujer.
Ayyyyy que caso. Fíjate.
Aprecio mucho que por lo menos mi amiga no mencionó los especificos de la situación, ya que entiendo lo doloroso pueda ser si salga quiénes son.
Lo veo de ambos lados. Me habían dicho alguna vez que no podrìa tener hijos. Imaginate, ser mujer negra, alta, Y¿ esteríl? ¡ NUNCA me casaría! Especialmente en ésta comunidad de musulmanes, tan enfocados en procreación. Estaba muy nerviosa hasta que resolvieron lo que me pasaba. Y, a mi me encantan los niños; siempre he dicho que me gustaría tener a lo menos cinco. (jajaja, y todas mis amigas hasta hoy me dicen... espere hasta que tienes el primero, aver...)
Por eso es que, aunque no soy muy celosa, he caminado en los pasos de la mujer en ese matrimonio, y hice duà que Alá subjanaju wa taàla le resolviera lo que paso entre ella y su esposo.
Tambien lo veo por el ról del esposo. Imagina que te enamoras con un hombre, y tenías posibilidad de casarse con otro a la vez, es decir, tener matrimonio polígamo. Como te casaste "por amor", y amas al primer hombre, no lo quieres dejar. Pero a la vez, quieres cinco hijos- o por lo menos, dos, si Dios quiere- y el amor de tu vida, tu primer hombre, esta planteado a frente del vìa. ¿Què harías? Aunque le dolía mucho a mi esposo, no puedo decir que decidiera a favor de no casarme con hombre que me diera hijo. Y como quiera nadie va salir ileso de la situacion. Tengo que orar por ambos.
¿Qué mas? Aún estoy de recuperación del choque del otro día. De verdad salió que el seguro de la mujer habìa vencido hace tiempo, lo que llevó la compañia a negarlo, y por entonces mis rates van a subir, thanks! Lo que me preocupa es que cuando me cotejaron el nivel de glucosa en mi sangre estaba sumamente alta, indicación nueva que el diabetes genetica de mi familia me caza de nuevo. Cosa es, que cada vez que paso por el examen de ayuno, mis nùmeros y niveles salen bajitos. No lo entiendo, pues hay mas duaá que hacer. Cosa buena que salio del dia pésimo que era mi mièrcoles: actuè como intèrprete por un hombre que estaba alla con su gerente (ambos trabajadores en una compañia de comida muy popular), y no solamente me dieron certificado para comida gratis, pero el doctor y la gerente de su oficina estaban tan impresionados, que me pidieron una tarjeta de informacion, ¡ para llamarme si es que me necesitan de nuevo! ¡Aljamdulilá!
Ahora, tengo que encontrar impresora.... pero finalmente, ¿no es un problema deseable?
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, June 11, 2009
New Rules!
Assalamu Alaikum,
Yes, new rules, ala Bill Mahr, even though I haven't watched him in YEARS.
10: IF you are driving, you must pay attention to the road. There is no makeup exemption to this rule. This rule applies double during inclement weather.
9: If you hit someone, you must call the police. Failing to hit and run does not exempt you.
8: IF you do not have insurance, do not give an insurance information card that is 3 years old.
7: Your boyfriend cannot call the person YOU hit to intimidate them out of going to the doctor.
6: All people who are represented on household insurance must be spouses.
5: You may not call the person you hit and ask for their insurance information in order to pay the damages.
4: Yellow lights do not mean GO.
3: Never ASSUME anything.
2: Not having your wipers on is ILLEGAL in the rain.
1. RED MEANS STOP.
Anyone want to guess what happened to me yesterday? Alhamdulillah I'm fine; have whiplash, but treatable. The Pimp Car (tm) is also fine, alhamdulillah. But it was a real waste of a Wednesday.
peace
TwennyTwo
Yes, new rules, ala Bill Mahr, even though I haven't watched him in YEARS.
10: IF you are driving, you must pay attention to the road. There is no makeup exemption to this rule. This rule applies double during inclement weather.
9: If you hit someone, you must call the police. Failing to hit and run does not exempt you.
8: IF you do not have insurance, do not give an insurance information card that is 3 years old.
7: Your boyfriend cannot call the person YOU hit to intimidate them out of going to the doctor.
6: All people who are represented on household insurance must be spouses.
5: You may not call the person you hit and ask for their insurance information in order to pay the damages.
4: Yellow lights do not mean GO.
3: Never ASSUME anything.
2: Not having your wipers on is ILLEGAL in the rain.
1. RED MEANS STOP.
Anyone want to guess what happened to me yesterday? Alhamdulillah I'm fine; have whiplash, but treatable. The Pimp Car (tm) is also fine, alhamdulillah. But it was a real waste of a Wednesday.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Mrs. Moore- and making it to Spring Break
assalamu alaikum,
Ohmagosh. Y'all, finally arriving at Spring Break was like making it to the end of a long hard workout that you didn't want to do in the first place. That was TOUGH! And I RESENTED it! We went from January to April with no breaks. I'm incensed that even though we're an Islamic school, we have to follow our local public district- and they based their break on the Christian calendar. That just meant that we went two months without a break, is all. That, and our break ends with Easter, so all the kids will be bombarded on their week off with pastel bunnies and candy and egg baskets and I don't know what all. I'm not mad at that; just that I'd be a lot more okay if, at Eid, we couldn't escape the 'Eid Mubaraks' and the 'takabarAllah'greetings, if sarees,and silks, and nice suits went on sale, if 'Eid Candy' were even a prospect.
Eh, part of this is that I'm grumpy because this break isn't long enough. I'm trying to figure out how to make it to see Umm Layth. It's been two months without a break, and my disposition suffered.
Two months is not that long. Unless you don't love your job. Then it's sucky.
Lots to think about. I'm currently typing with my Mac on my lap (I love Apple computers. I wish I had that huge Mac Book, but on the other hand, I love love love my baby and I'm happy I have it) while sitting in my bed, my legs propped on a pile of laundry. Who does this to themselves? I have a huge pile of laundry to do. ANd I really don't want to. Which is why I'm writing this post, to anticipate it being done and being able to do other stuff with my spring break.
I was just looking over my archives, and whoa, have I evolved in the past five years. I remember that chick who used to write here when she lived in portareeco, and she was fun, but having lived through what I did... I'm me. Won't be doing that again.
It surprises me how much more my spirituality comes out in my writing; Islam is definitely a fixed part of my identity. I realized it when I was trying to control my reactions earlier.
My favorite teacher, Mrs. A. Jeanne Moore, died on Sunday. I loved her dearly; it's a testament to her class that my Brotha from Anotha Motha (I'm officially giving im the blogname BAM) over there <--- agrees. (He's a grump-wump about teachers in general. Or he was when we were in high school.) She'd spell out the word 'Conservopolis' and made us learn it- this city's name is NOT a joke, even the national media misspells it occasionally. She taught me to write cursive. She taught me to love my self and enjoyed my wacky writing.
That last was most important for me, especially since Mrs. Moore was my first Black teacher. Now, Conservopolis has a decent educational system (even now one of our high schools is being featured on cable TV), and the program BAM and I began in was spectacular. We had two teachers per day from KG through 4th grade; but it wasn't until 2nd grade that we had Mrs. Moore. What she taught us counted; how she saw us stuck in a lot of ways.
(YES, I remember that this is a story about my spiritual identity creeping up on me everywhere. I'm getting there.)
Now, most of you know that I was raised as a Christian, where my mother was very spiritual and my father noncommittal as far as I could see (nowadays he goes to church regularly etc.), so we'd go to church with Mama. Mrs. Moore also attended the same church as my family. I don't know why I didn't realize this until after 2nd grade, but she did. So she was there to witness my pre-teen bossiness and our choir concerts. She was a Delta, and was so super proud when I did my debut with the Deltas. Yes, I'm a Delta Debutante! She sponsored me and came to my ball.
All that was before Islam.
Well, so yesterday my mother told me she died, and I just started sobbing. And the first thing I said? 'Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un' (From God we come, and to God we return). As I contemplated her life today, I thanked God for sending her to be my teacher- she retired just 3 years after I took her class. Today at the time of her funeral, I prayed for her- not the old prayers of my youth; no, what instinctively came to my mind were the pleas of the 'righteous legacy'. "Oh Lord! Expand her grave for her. Let her benefit from our good deeds. Oh Lord! Make the grave light for her, and let righteous Angels and sweet scents be her company. Oh Lord! Accept her good deeds, and make them outweigh the sins by seven times.". And then I added, to myself, 'She was not a Muslim, but she believed in You'.
Then I went back up to the school. The actual elementary school where we all took Mrs. Moore's class is gone, now; they tore it down and rebuilt it. When I walked in, who should I see but Mrs. C, the secretary from my days there! So I got the chance to let her know about Mrs. Moore.
Y'all, I spent a good 20 minutes reminiscing with Mrs. C., since her son Jason was in my class. But I had to stop myself, because every other word out of my mouth would've been 'MashaAllah!' or , 'SubHanAllah!'
Like when she told me that she has a 9 year old grandson, or when she talked about how my old girlfriends now have kids. I really took notice of how often I had to change my expressions around. And I talk a lot. So for me to incorporate dhikr like that means I've made a good deal of addition to my vocabulary. ... MashaAllah.
Hmph. While I was in the office, another lady was there who remembered Mrs. Moore and happened to know of the church since her cousins (who I also grew up with, small world) go there. First thing she said, was, "Oh, you Muslim?" Second question was, "Oh, some man turned you into that?"
*sigh*.
The irony is, I WISH I'd married some man who insisted that his be an Islamic house.
As much as I have incorporated my praise and worship into my life, it seems I will always be an ambassador for Islam, so I better get a little more in.
I don't have much more to say... or rather, I can't seem to type it over the din of the clothes-pile under my feet. InshaAllah I'll be back before the end of the week.
peace
Ohmagosh. Y'all, finally arriving at Spring Break was like making it to the end of a long hard workout that you didn't want to do in the first place. That was TOUGH! And I RESENTED it! We went from January to April with no breaks. I'm incensed that even though we're an Islamic school, we have to follow our local public district- and they based their break on the Christian calendar. That just meant that we went two months without a break, is all. That, and our break ends with Easter, so all the kids will be bombarded on their week off with pastel bunnies and candy and egg baskets and I don't know what all. I'm not mad at that; just that I'd be a lot more okay if, at Eid, we couldn't escape the 'Eid Mubaraks' and the 'takabarAllah'greetings, if sarees,and silks, and nice suits went on sale, if 'Eid Candy' were even a prospect.
Eh, part of this is that I'm grumpy because this break isn't long enough. I'm trying to figure out how to make it to see Umm Layth. It's been two months without a break, and my disposition suffered.
Two months is not that long. Unless you don't love your job. Then it's sucky.
Lots to think about. I'm currently typing with my Mac on my lap (I love Apple computers. I wish I had that huge Mac Book, but on the other hand, I love love love my baby and I'm happy I have it) while sitting in my bed, my legs propped on a pile of laundry. Who does this to themselves? I have a huge pile of laundry to do. ANd I really don't want to. Which is why I'm writing this post, to anticipate it being done and being able to do other stuff with my spring break.
I was just looking over my archives, and whoa, have I evolved in the past five years. I remember that chick who used to write here when she lived in portareeco, and she was fun, but having lived through what I did... I'm me. Won't be doing that again.
It surprises me how much more my spirituality comes out in my writing; Islam is definitely a fixed part of my identity. I realized it when I was trying to control my reactions earlier.
My favorite teacher, Mrs. A. Jeanne Moore, died on Sunday. I loved her dearly; it's a testament to her class that my Brotha from Anotha Motha (I'm officially giving im the blogname BAM) over there <--- agrees. (He's a grump-wump about teachers in general. Or he was when we were in high school.) She'd spell out the word 'Conservopolis' and made us learn it- this city's name is NOT a joke, even the national media misspells it occasionally. She taught me to write cursive. She taught me to love my self and enjoyed my wacky writing.
That last was most important for me, especially since Mrs. Moore was my first Black teacher. Now, Conservopolis has a decent educational system (even now one of our high schools is being featured on cable TV), and the program BAM and I began in was spectacular. We had two teachers per day from KG through 4th grade; but it wasn't until 2nd grade that we had Mrs. Moore. What she taught us counted; how she saw us stuck in a lot of ways.
(YES, I remember that this is a story about my spiritual identity creeping up on me everywhere. I'm getting there.)
Now, most of you know that I was raised as a Christian, where my mother was very spiritual and my father noncommittal as far as I could see (nowadays he goes to church regularly etc.), so we'd go to church with Mama. Mrs. Moore also attended the same church as my family. I don't know why I didn't realize this until after 2nd grade, but she did. So she was there to witness my pre-teen bossiness and our choir concerts. She was a Delta, and was so super proud when I did my debut with the Deltas. Yes, I'm a Delta Debutante! She sponsored me and came to my ball.
All that was before Islam.
Well, so yesterday my mother told me she died, and I just started sobbing. And the first thing I said? 'Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un' (From God we come, and to God we return). As I contemplated her life today, I thanked God for sending her to be my teacher- she retired just 3 years after I took her class. Today at the time of her funeral, I prayed for her- not the old prayers of my youth; no, what instinctively came to my mind were the pleas of the 'righteous legacy'. "Oh Lord! Expand her grave for her. Let her benefit from our good deeds. Oh Lord! Make the grave light for her, and let righteous Angels and sweet scents be her company. Oh Lord! Accept her good deeds, and make them outweigh the sins by seven times.". And then I added, to myself, 'She was not a Muslim, but she believed in You'.
Then I went back up to the school. The actual elementary school where we all took Mrs. Moore's class is gone, now; they tore it down and rebuilt it. When I walked in, who should I see but Mrs. C, the secretary from my days there! So I got the chance to let her know about Mrs. Moore.
Y'all, I spent a good 20 minutes reminiscing with Mrs. C., since her son Jason was in my class. But I had to stop myself, because every other word out of my mouth would've been 'MashaAllah!' or , 'SubHanAllah!'
Like when she told me that she has a 9 year old grandson, or when she talked about how my old girlfriends now have kids. I really took notice of how often I had to change my expressions around. And I talk a lot. So for me to incorporate dhikr like that means I've made a good deal of addition to my vocabulary. ... MashaAllah.
Hmph. While I was in the office, another lady was there who remembered Mrs. Moore and happened to know of the church since her cousins (who I also grew up with, small world) go there. First thing she said, was, "Oh, you Muslim?" Second question was, "Oh, some man turned you into that?"
*sigh*.
The irony is, I WISH I'd married some man who insisted that his be an Islamic house.
As much as I have incorporated my praise and worship into my life, it seems I will always be an ambassador for Islam, so I better get a little more in.
I don't have much more to say... or rather, I can't seem to type it over the din of the clothes-pile under my feet. InshaAllah I'll be back before the end of the week.
peace
Saturday, January 17, 2009
When a dream is awesome
Assalamu Alaikum,
Man, it's cold. I only mention it because it was so cold I got off work yesterday. Yes, the schools closed for a COLD DAY.
Mind you we're talking minus 15 wind chill, so it was kinda expected.
It gave me much needed time to rest...
... and to do my Practimate work. Go on, check it out, it's a new initiative by Sheikh Yaser Birjas, of Marriage Revolution fame.
I like the program because it offers training for people before they marry... and even before you meet 'The One'. Training of the sort I've been bugging Bro. Leader about for a while, but he's got bigger better things to do. So I'm in the first batch of people to go through the program, and I like- not because it's asking me to think about things that I've never thought about before. I've actually thought about marriage enough that my answers are substantial. I like the exercises because they're forcing me to focus and clarify my thinking, and my expectations for marriage. And this is just Step One of eight in the program.
My only (teeny weeny) detraction is that I think we need to do more! Faster! Both because I really (really) want to get married already, and because I'm an action oriented person, I need something going on in order to keep working on the program. We discuss a new module every 3-5 days (it's supposed to be 2-4, but 3-5 is more like what I've noticed).
So, yeah. Practimate rocks.
In related but different matters, I had the most awesomest dream yesterday. This was after going out to eat with my family, on my sister's birthday. Happy Birthday Toto! But anyway, so I came home and went to sleep and... dreamt. Of a person I won't name. And I was mad happy when I woke up (before Fajr!).
Because dreams can be suggestive of the future, I don't want to tell the details. But I do have a question. When a dream is awesome, how do you follow it? Do you just wait and see what happens? Or do you act on what you saw? I feel a very strong urge to do a particular thing based on this dream. I mean, I woke up and prayed the urge to go do this was so strong. MashaAllah.
And when is a dream just, you know, a dream?
peace
TwennyTwo
Man, it's cold. I only mention it because it was so cold I got off work yesterday. Yes, the schools closed for a COLD DAY.
Mind you we're talking minus 15 wind chill, so it was kinda expected.
It gave me much needed time to rest...
... and to do my Practimate work. Go on, check it out, it's a new initiative by Sheikh Yaser Birjas, of Marriage Revolution fame.
I like the program because it offers training for people before they marry... and even before you meet 'The One'. Training of the sort I've been bugging Bro. Leader about for a while, but he's got bigger better things to do. So I'm in the first batch of people to go through the program, and I like- not because it's asking me to think about things that I've never thought about before. I've actually thought about marriage enough that my answers are substantial. I like the exercises because they're forcing me to focus and clarify my thinking, and my expectations for marriage. And this is just Step One of eight in the program.
My only (teeny weeny) detraction is that I think we need to do more! Faster! Both because I really (really) want to get married already, and because I'm an action oriented person, I need something going on in order to keep working on the program. We discuss a new module every 3-5 days (it's supposed to be 2-4, but 3-5 is more like what I've noticed).
So, yeah. Practimate rocks.
In related but different matters, I had the most awesomest dream yesterday. This was after going out to eat with my family, on my sister's birthday. Happy Birthday Toto! But anyway, so I came home and went to sleep and... dreamt. Of a person I won't name. And I was mad happy when I woke up (before Fajr!).
Because dreams can be suggestive of the future, I don't want to tell the details. But I do have a question. When a dream is awesome, how do you follow it? Do you just wait and see what happens? Or do you act on what you saw? I feel a very strong urge to do a particular thing based on this dream. I mean, I woke up and prayed the urge to go do this was so strong. MashaAllah.
And when is a dream just, you know, a dream?
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Nuh-Uh! Me?!
assalamu Alaikum,
Oh my goodness!
I think I got into the Fawakih Program!
Weird, though, I'm not sure. I think I was because I was enrolled into a Sunni Path Arabic course, randomly.
Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I'm so excited, and yet this means a lot of stuff to do- travel and lodging arrangements, somehow get a computer (!)...
I shouldn't be so excited. It might be someone playing around. Still, I don't think SunniPath would send me something if it weren't legit.
Still, I'm mad excited. I hope it's true! Make dua'a for me... takbir!
peace
TwennyTwo
Oh my goodness!
I think I got into the Fawakih Program!
Weird, though, I'm not sure. I think I was because I was enrolled into a Sunni Path Arabic course, randomly.
Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I'm so excited, and yet this means a lot of stuff to do- travel and lodging arrangements, somehow get a computer (!)...
I shouldn't be so excited. It might be someone playing around. Still, I don't think SunniPath would send me something if it weren't legit.
Still, I'm mad excited. I hope it's true! Make dua'a for me... takbir!
peace
TwennyTwo
It's da firstadda muuunth...
assalamu alaikum,
Yesterday was a great day. The end to a hectic week, really. We went to an amusement park. I hadn't been in like 10 years. I was happy in the car after I dropped off one our MYNA girls. The sun shone. Before that, a couple days ago, I spoke for a couple hours to some very good friends who happen to be parents of students about what's been going on at the school. I've been working so hard that just good reflective adult conversation is such a sweet thing. I don't get it anywhere else. Maybe halqa, but we haven't had that in a couple weeks. Sinan said he'd talk to some friends of Farhan's, but- well, developments and my own changing feelings mean I'm not all that invested in that whole situation. Then he and Baji let me sleep in their awesome guest room. That rocked. The week was long, field day and graduations done, and yesterday evening, I was happy.
This morning, on the way to halaqa, my mood kinda tanked. I'm worried about JW again. His... personal hygiene has slipped recently. At least he's maintained his progress on the deen front- he is not an atheist. I worry that he's slipping. Maybe it's nothing. That's in the back of my head. I make dua'a every time I think about it.
It's the first day of the rest of my life. Today at halqa we were talking about various sahaba, may Allah be pleased with them. One was AbuDarda'. We read the story of how, when Umar went to inspect his province in Damascus, he discovered that AbuDarda''s pillow was only a saddle, and his covering a sheet barely good enough to keep off the chill, that they remembered the hadith of the Prophet (s) about letting your provisions be as much as those of a rider. That was so much food for thought for me. I've made intention to get things together in my house, but. We talked about Abu Bakr, and how he was so worried about the three or four things he left when he died, because the things we leave we will have to account for. I'm getting rid of the junk in my house. I've got to. It's cluttering my mind.
We have so much. Even when people in my life are literally going crazy. I have so much, alhamdulillah.
Happy June.
peace
TwennyTwo
Yesterday was a great day. The end to a hectic week, really. We went to an amusement park. I hadn't been in like 10 years. I was happy in the car after I dropped off one our MYNA girls. The sun shone. Before that, a couple days ago, I spoke for a couple hours to some very good friends who happen to be parents of students about what's been going on at the school. I've been working so hard that just good reflective adult conversation is such a sweet thing. I don't get it anywhere else. Maybe halqa, but we haven't had that in a couple weeks. Sinan said he'd talk to some friends of Farhan's, but- well, developments and my own changing feelings mean I'm not all that invested in that whole situation. Then he and Baji let me sleep in their awesome guest room. That rocked. The week was long, field day and graduations done, and yesterday evening, I was happy.
This morning, on the way to halaqa, my mood kinda tanked. I'm worried about JW again. His... personal hygiene has slipped recently. At least he's maintained his progress on the deen front- he is not an atheist. I worry that he's slipping. Maybe it's nothing. That's in the back of my head. I make dua'a every time I think about it.
It's the first day of the rest of my life. Today at halqa we were talking about various sahaba, may Allah be pleased with them. One was AbuDarda'. We read the story of how, when Umar went to inspect his province in Damascus, he discovered that AbuDarda''s pillow was only a saddle, and his covering a sheet barely good enough to keep off the chill, that they remembered the hadith of the Prophet (s) about letting your provisions be as much as those of a rider. That was so much food for thought for me. I've made intention to get things together in my house, but. We talked about Abu Bakr, and how he was so worried about the three or four things he left when he died, because the things we leave we will have to account for. I'm getting rid of the junk in my house. I've got to. It's cluttering my mind.
We have so much. Even when people in my life are literally going crazy. I have so much, alhamdulillah.
Happy June.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Wants
assalamu alaikum,
I've been lost. I'm trekking my way back. Thanks for reading, really.
****
I tutor several students, off and on, at the middle school and high school levels. Incidentally, they're all boys- not sure why. That's probably just how the community is around here. I don't know nearly as many teenaged girls as I do boys here in Conservopolis. Girls, where are you?
irrelevant.
What I was going to say is that I've had all of these students go through an exercise to build their own goals. It's simple, really: you have someone ask, over and over again, "What do you want?" and write down EVERY answer. Then go through and weed out the things of the moment from the true goals.
Alhamdulillah, one student replied, "I want to go to Jennah alFirdous, inshaAllah, and be in the shade of Allah and the company of the Prophet on the last day." No kidding. A fourteen-year-old told me that (he wasn't trying to impress me).
And then I kept asking.
You want that? What else? What do you want along the way? When do you want it? How do you want it? How do you want to gain the pleasure of Allah (swt) inshaAllah?
All of the boys do this. Then I make them tape up their goals on a wall or mirror they'll see daily. And put dates on them (well, all but the goals like the one above. That one isn't one I hope to be able to put a time and date on). ANd then review them weekly and monthly and see them daily and determine not only what it is that they want from this life, but to see that they're the ones who determine how this gift of life is spent. Parents do a lot, but they have only so much to work with. Allah has granted us life. We've got to use it.
And yet I've gotten away from that myself.
How often is it that the teacher loses sight of the student for the knowledge? Today I went through and re-made my own goals.
It was humbling and amazing to see how I'm holding myself back from taking advantage. It's scary. *sigh*.
peace
TwennyTwo
I've been lost. I'm trekking my way back. Thanks for reading, really.
****
I tutor several students, off and on, at the middle school and high school levels. Incidentally, they're all boys- not sure why. That's probably just how the community is around here. I don't know nearly as many teenaged girls as I do boys here in Conservopolis. Girls, where are you?
irrelevant.
What I was going to say is that I've had all of these students go through an exercise to build their own goals. It's simple, really: you have someone ask, over and over again, "What do you want?" and write down EVERY answer. Then go through and weed out the things of the moment from the true goals.
Alhamdulillah, one student replied, "I want to go to Jennah alFirdous, inshaAllah, and be in the shade of Allah and the company of the Prophet on the last day." No kidding. A fourteen-year-old told me that (he wasn't trying to impress me).
And then I kept asking.
You want that? What else? What do you want along the way? When do you want it? How do you want it? How do you want to gain the pleasure of Allah (swt) inshaAllah?
All of the boys do this. Then I make them tape up their goals on a wall or mirror they'll see daily. And put dates on them (well, all but the goals like the one above. That one isn't one I hope to be able to put a time and date on). ANd then review them weekly and monthly and see them daily and determine not only what it is that they want from this life, but to see that they're the ones who determine how this gift of life is spent. Parents do a lot, but they have only so much to work with. Allah has granted us life. We've got to use it.
And yet I've gotten away from that myself.
How often is it that the teacher loses sight of the student for the knowledge? Today I went through and re-made my own goals.
It was humbling and amazing to see how I'm holding myself back from taking advantage. It's scary. *sigh*.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, March 10, 2008
Something's up.
assalamu alaikum,
Okay, if you were around here yesterday, please excuse that. If you weren't, don't worry about it.
I woke up at 5:00 this morning feeling wonderful. No, really. I wish I could describe the euphoria I still feel now. It's amazing. I feel good! My body feels good.
I spent a few moments in my bed telling myself that it's okay to feel good. That what has gone on the past few months (!) has been a really rough patch.
I'm glad to feel good. You have no idea. But now I know for sure that something is up.
Don't worry. I don't know what it is. But to go from leaking tears all over the place gloomy fog can't make it through the day without a tantrum to waking up at what should feel like 4am (happy daylight saving to you, too) feeling ecstatic with life requires an explanation.
Day ain't over, as my father loves to say. We'll see what the day brings. Meanwhile I'm glad to be happy.
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, if you were around here yesterday, please excuse that. If you weren't, don't worry about it.
I woke up at 5:00 this morning feeling wonderful. No, really. I wish I could describe the euphoria I still feel now. It's amazing. I feel good! My body feels good.
I spent a few moments in my bed telling myself that it's okay to feel good. That what has gone on the past few months (!) has been a really rough patch.
I'm glad to feel good. You have no idea. But now I know for sure that something is up.
Don't worry. I don't know what it is. But to go from leaking tears all over the place gloomy fog can't make it through the day without a tantrum to waking up at what should feel like 4am (happy daylight saving to you, too) feeling ecstatic with life requires an explanation.
Day ain't over, as my father loves to say. We'll see what the day brings. Meanwhile I'm glad to be happy.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, March 01, 2008
girl that i was
peace,
Sometime last month, I should've noted, was my fourth year blogging. Alhamdulillah.
I just went back and read some of those early posts.
Wow.
What I didn't know. About Islam. About the world. About what I'd learn and who I'd meet.
Anyway, thanks for hanging around.
peace,
TwennyTwo
Sometime last month, I should've noted, was my fourth year blogging. Alhamdulillah.
I just went back and read some of those early posts.
Wow.
What I didn't know. About Islam. About the world. About what I'd learn and who I'd meet.
Anyway, thanks for hanging around.
peace,
TwennyTwo
Sunday, February 03, 2008
There's assistance and then there's that.
Assalamu alaikum,
Yes, I'm blogging in front of the Super Bowl. I'm on my sister's computer and she's TiVo'd it, so we re-watch the good commercials and kinda zone out on the rest. I'm taking the opportunity to do some blogging. So what?
Besides, the Patriots always win, it's nearly as sickening as those Yankees a couple years ago.
I had a really interesting conversation with "my assistant", the other teacher in my room half a day. I've had some real issues with her attitude, not least because I was given to understand that she was there in part so that I could rely on her greater experience in the early childhood education arena.
Because, while I do believe (alhamdulIllah) I'm capable of teaching children this young, there are things about teaching them that I just don't know, not having experience nor training in ECE and not having had children this age myself. And then when I came, and asked for her help in certain things, I got a lot of pushback from her, outright... insolence, I guess.
What really chapped my buns was that ultimately, I feel that the kids in the room are the ones who pay with an inferior level of education. Then, she was transferred to KG for half a day in the afternoon. While that brought relief on the one hand (no one judging me in my own classroom, refusing to take initiative yet making suggestions after the fact as to how I'm doing things incorrectly), it also upset me that she felt better in the KG room without at least trying to express any problems she had outright. I do NOT tolerate gossipping in the workplace, so I kept that to my family and confidants, but that whole situation wasn't (and isn't , but we've cleared the air... I'm getting there) helping my mental status.
Then I picked up some guts and finally just asked her to work with the older kids in group time with their literacy. I've been trying to do that, especially as some of the older ones can read and need more instruction. I pulled them out 3 times a week, but I know that she had done that sort of thing before. She let me know something that shocked me and made me understand her attitude: she makes less than $16,000 a year. And she does so simply because she doesn't have a bachelor's degree. SHe works the same hours I do, has 5 years of experience in pre-school, but is making less than half what starting teachers are offered.
No wonder.
So, I let her know that I needed her expertise. And further, the kids needed it. I understood, finally, why she had acted the way she did, but I'd gladly take on some things that she had been doing, if she'd apply her great innovative ideas to the older reading group. I said that I needed to be able to watch her, because while it was inspiring to hear her say that they needed to do more manipulative activities and less paperwork, being that all my experience and training is with adults and children at least 9 years old, the ideas are slow coming and hard to put into place. And I told her that I absolutely agree that her pay level is unjust.
It's getting better. I hope. I mean, I still sense that attitude and am much quicker to come out of my mouth and ask her if she's angry about something, but she's working with the kids, and has sent a letter to the parents saying as much, and I'm looking at what she does and learning from her activity. *sigh*.
It makes me realize a couple of things, one being that although I am competent to look after and teach pre-schoolers, it's not where I'm most involved and passionate. That's in part why I've taken so many tutoring spots; it cuts my time, but I LOVE teaching students that age, really showing my passion for learning. Plus, it's easier to help them fully understand what their teachers set them, stretch their minds, and think beyond where they are.
Pre-school- that's possible, especially when we can go outdoors and explore, or plant seeds, or just wonder at the creation of Allah, but it's a whole lot harder for me to wrap my head around indoors. And I have no- ZERO- prep time scheduled into my day, which I finally understand is just flat unfair. Bad enough I'm just now getting to pray dhuhr thanks to an awesome sister who's student-teaching and watches my people for 10 minutes. She's been a godsend, really. Worse that I see that creative materials are needed and that I have to create them- or have time to tell someone else how to create them- and I have to do that on my own scant time. The only non-scheduled time I have during the school day is lunch, for 45 minutes. I'm still training for the marathon and I don't want to give it up for less than life-changing reasons. I tutor and I go to halaqas, I go to the gym and then I go home- when I deviate from that I do things like nearly break my wrist and then have sucky weeks.
Something has to give, and until now the kids haven't been getting the education that I know they could get. I don't think that their education is inadequate, nor is their care. But I've always been one to want to be the absolute best at what I do. To not do so for whatever reason just bothers the mess out of me. It's probably half of my issues now.
Man, where did my positive blog posts go?
Anyway.
peace
Yes, I'm blogging in front of the Super Bowl. I'm on my sister's computer and she's TiVo'd it, so we re-watch the good commercials and kinda zone out on the rest. I'm taking the opportunity to do some blogging. So what?
Besides, the Patriots always win, it's nearly as sickening as those Yankees a couple years ago.
I had a really interesting conversation with "my assistant", the other teacher in my room half a day. I've had some real issues with her attitude, not least because I was given to understand that she was there in part so that I could rely on her greater experience in the early childhood education arena.
Because, while I do believe (alhamdulIllah) I'm capable of teaching children this young, there are things about teaching them that I just don't know, not having experience nor training in ECE and not having had children this age myself. And then when I came, and asked for her help in certain things, I got a lot of pushback from her, outright... insolence, I guess.
What really chapped my buns was that ultimately, I feel that the kids in the room are the ones who pay with an inferior level of education. Then, she was transferred to KG for half a day in the afternoon. While that brought relief on the one hand (no one judging me in my own classroom, refusing to take initiative yet making suggestions after the fact as to how I'm doing things incorrectly), it also upset me that she felt better in the KG room without at least trying to express any problems she had outright. I do NOT tolerate gossipping in the workplace, so I kept that to my family and confidants, but that whole situation wasn't (and isn't , but we've cleared the air... I'm getting there) helping my mental status.
Then I picked up some guts and finally just asked her to work with the older kids in group time with their literacy. I've been trying to do that, especially as some of the older ones can read and need more instruction. I pulled them out 3 times a week, but I know that she had done that sort of thing before. She let me know something that shocked me and made me understand her attitude: she makes less than $16,000 a year. And she does so simply because she doesn't have a bachelor's degree. SHe works the same hours I do, has 5 years of experience in pre-school, but is making less than half what starting teachers are offered.
No wonder.
So, I let her know that I needed her expertise. And further, the kids needed it. I understood, finally, why she had acted the way she did, but I'd gladly take on some things that she had been doing, if she'd apply her great innovative ideas to the older reading group. I said that I needed to be able to watch her, because while it was inspiring to hear her say that they needed to do more manipulative activities and less paperwork, being that all my experience and training is with adults and children at least 9 years old, the ideas are slow coming and hard to put into place. And I told her that I absolutely agree that her pay level is unjust.
It's getting better. I hope. I mean, I still sense that attitude and am much quicker to come out of my mouth and ask her if she's angry about something, but she's working with the kids, and has sent a letter to the parents saying as much, and I'm looking at what she does and learning from her activity. *sigh*.
It makes me realize a couple of things, one being that although I am competent to look after and teach pre-schoolers, it's not where I'm most involved and passionate. That's in part why I've taken so many tutoring spots; it cuts my time, but I LOVE teaching students that age, really showing my passion for learning. Plus, it's easier to help them fully understand what their teachers set them, stretch their minds, and think beyond where they are.
Pre-school- that's possible, especially when we can go outdoors and explore, or plant seeds, or just wonder at the creation of Allah, but it's a whole lot harder for me to wrap my head around indoors. And I have no- ZERO- prep time scheduled into my day, which I finally understand is just flat unfair. Bad enough I'm just now getting to pray dhuhr thanks to an awesome sister who's student-teaching and watches my people for 10 minutes. She's been a godsend, really. Worse that I see that creative materials are needed and that I have to create them- or have time to tell someone else how to create them- and I have to do that on my own scant time. The only non-scheduled time I have during the school day is lunch, for 45 minutes. I'm still training for the marathon and I don't want to give it up for less than life-changing reasons. I tutor and I go to halaqas, I go to the gym and then I go home- when I deviate from that I do things like nearly break my wrist and then have sucky weeks.
Something has to give, and until now the kids haven't been getting the education that I know they could get. I don't think that their education is inadequate, nor is their care. But I've always been one to want to be the absolute best at what I do. To not do so for whatever reason just bothers the mess out of me. It's probably half of my issues now.
Man, where did my positive blog posts go?
Anyway.
peace
Friday, November 02, 2007
Still light
assalamu alaikum,
I think that's the biggest change yet. I've gotten so used to saying Assalamu Alaikum that I forget the greeting is for Muslims and wanna go say it to everyone. AlhamdulIllah.
I've been popping in over at Shabana's and Dictator Princess's and UmIbrahim's and Umm Zaid's and Izzy Mo's spots but wanted to let y'all know that not only am I still alive but kickin' and being blessed by Allah subhana wa ta'ala. The months of adjustment have passed. I wanted to blog. I let exhaustion and a promise I made to myself not to complain get in my way.
Case in point: The other day I was up in arms b/c the director of the school told me I can't go to Juma'a at the masjid (RIGHT. ACROSS. THE LOT. not complain'in but dag how close can I be and not go?) because of my responsibility to the kids... even if I got a substitute. I pointed out that no, it's not obligatory on women but at the same time... girls have to miss certain weeks anyway; and as preschool teacher I don't get opportunities to prayin jama'at much anyway (the rest of the school prays dhuhr together daily), and I really benefited from the khutba the day I did go. Then resisted the urge to come up in the twennytwo spot and complain.
SO alhamdulillah today the director copied the khutbah and put it in my box. Every little blessing I can get. Glad I didn't complain.
By the way TAKBIR I have a car! It's huge and white and qualifies for historical plates and alhamdulillah it starts. It drinks gas, but I'm working a 2nd job for that (y'all didn't really think I'd stop working multiple jobs, did you?). I'm hanging out with my sister on a regular, I'm getting to work on time. I won't put the complaints out yet. Y'all will hear them but now it's all about the praise...
Welcome to those in my new community I've invited here. This is me, the real unadulterated deep down thing; inshaAllah we'll talk. To my old friends in the computer, I miss you and iA will be popping in soon.
peace
TwennyTwo
I think that's the biggest change yet. I've gotten so used to saying Assalamu Alaikum that I forget the greeting is for Muslims and wanna go say it to everyone. AlhamdulIllah.
I've been popping in over at Shabana's and Dictator Princess's and UmIbrahim's and Umm Zaid's and Izzy Mo's spots but wanted to let y'all know that not only am I still alive but kickin' and being blessed by Allah subhana wa ta'ala. The months of adjustment have passed. I wanted to blog. I let exhaustion and a promise I made to myself not to complain get in my way.
Case in point: The other day I was up in arms b/c the director of the school told me I can't go to Juma'a at the masjid (RIGHT. ACROSS. THE LOT. not complain'in but dag how close can I be and not go?) because of my responsibility to the kids... even if I got a substitute. I pointed out that no, it's not obligatory on women but at the same time... girls have to miss certain weeks anyway; and as preschool teacher I don't get opportunities to prayin jama'at much anyway (the rest of the school prays dhuhr together daily), and I really benefited from the khutba the day I did go. Then resisted the urge to come up in the twennytwo spot and complain.
SO alhamdulillah today the director copied the khutbah and put it in my box. Every little blessing I can get. Glad I didn't complain.
By the way TAKBIR I have a car! It's huge and white and qualifies for historical plates and alhamdulillah it starts. It drinks gas, but I'm working a 2nd job for that (y'all didn't really think I'd stop working multiple jobs, did you?). I'm hanging out with my sister on a regular, I'm getting to work on time. I won't put the complaints out yet. Y'all will hear them but now it's all about the praise...
Welcome to those in my new community I've invited here. This is me, the real unadulterated deep down thing; inshaAllah we'll talk. To my old friends in the computer, I miss you and iA will be popping in soon.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Ramadan Mubarak- Guess I got some catchin' up t'do
peace,
Okayyyy... tis late. I love Ramadan! I missed it! I waited all year for it! And now it feels like work, isn't that funny? I've been reading everyone, just no time for my own piece.
First of all, I have to say that this lil'ol ball of ardh is really really small. I was invited to an iftar at the home of the in-laws of one of my co-workers. Turns out that one of the women there knows Umm Zaid. TINY TINY SMALL WORLD. I couldn't believe it. SO that was cool.
Second, it's unimaginably harder and yet easier living with my parents. Like, easier, in that if I ask for things I can get them. As in, if I don't want to cook for iftar, my mama will cook for me (and that is mad cool after being up and working since before fajr, y'all). But also? I have this hugely hard painful knot of tension in my back from an off-hand remark someone made this morning. *sigh* Allahu Alim. I am here for a reason and I REFUSE TO COMPLAIN further. Y'all tell me if you catch me complaining, I mean it.
Third: I am in love with teaching pre-school, which is good. The re-learning I have to do is gi-normous, but the rewards are great. I mean, I get to teach kids dua'a! I get to teach them to blow their noses! I get to teach them that people have spit, not spitted. And then when I'm tired of teaching come the sweet ones under my guard. I get to pick them up. I get to give hugs and reassure them that everything is okay. I get the one who says, so softly... "Miss Two? Miss Two? Miss Two?" ... "Yes, hon? What is it?" "I love you, Miss Two."
Dude, do I deserve this?
Regardless, I'm here.
ma salaama, peace
oh yeah. PS. Please make dua'a, as I am making istikhara to buy a car. By Friday inshaAllah.
peace
Okayyyy... tis late. I love Ramadan! I missed it! I waited all year for it! And now it feels like work, isn't that funny? I've been reading everyone, just no time for my own piece.
First of all, I have to say that this lil'ol ball of ardh is really really small. I was invited to an iftar at the home of the in-laws of one of my co-workers. Turns out that one of the women there knows Umm Zaid. TINY TINY SMALL WORLD. I couldn't believe it. SO that was cool.
Second, it's unimaginably harder and yet easier living with my parents. Like, easier, in that if I ask for things I can get them. As in, if I don't want to cook for iftar, my mama will cook for me (and that is mad cool after being up and working since before fajr, y'all). But also? I have this hugely hard painful knot of tension in my back from an off-hand remark someone made this morning. *sigh* Allahu Alim. I am here for a reason and I REFUSE TO COMPLAIN further. Y'all tell me if you catch me complaining, I mean it.
Third: I am in love with teaching pre-school, which is good. The re-learning I have to do is gi-normous, but the rewards are great. I mean, I get to teach kids dua'a! I get to teach them to blow their noses! I get to teach them that people have spit, not spitted. And then when I'm tired of teaching come the sweet ones under my guard. I get to pick them up. I get to give hugs and reassure them that everything is okay. I get the one who says, so softly... "Miss Two? Miss Two? Miss Two?" ... "Yes, hon? What is it?" "I love you, Miss Two."
Dude, do I deserve this?
Regardless, I'm here.
ma salaama, peace
oh yeah. PS. Please make dua'a, as I am making istikhara to buy a car. By Friday inshaAllah.
peace
Saturday, August 04, 2007
then He answered
peace,
You know, if I were to hear this from anyone else, I'd think it was a lie. It's incredible. Also awesomely true.
Okay, so go back and read the last to understand the attitude of uncertainty and fear I had going on.
This is what has happened since:
Thursday, I attend the opening night of the MAS Maryland Tarbiya and Ilm summer camp. The one I paid for early, even though it put me right at the edge, financially. I'm beginning to understand that I need an Islamic immersion every couple months or so, and this was the way I chose to do it this time.
My ride to camp? Mahmood, he of the speeding foot and fascinating mind. I embarassed myself by keeping him waiting. And then hugging one of my friends while he waited. I don't wanna talk about it. I'll get there.
The relief of camp in part had to do with being in a practically all-female environment, too.
Thursday through Sunday- a whole weekend- camp was focused on self-knowledge and being close to Allah, and featured camp bunks, great (I mean ALHAMDULILLAH great) food, nature walks, and lots of learning and reading. And praying. Learning new dua'a, learning the reasons and protections from them, and praying every prayer plus sunnah plus qiyam on time. It was marvelous. And my personal prayer theme was Trusting Allah. I just wanted/want to get to the point where all that I do is what He wants me to do and all that I want is His way, His will, His light, His love. That was my prayer.
Of course, y'all know me- so I'm sure some of that came out in "Just tell me what to do for You!" format. Anyway.
At the end of Sunday when we're all leaving and turning our phones back on, I've got 10 missed calls. Turns out a director for a private school where my parents live wants me to interview.
I called him back: "I can't interview. My grandmother just died and then I went to a Tarbiya and Ilm retreat; it would be incredibly irresponsible for me to miss any more time, especially for something like this."
His response? "We can meet you on a Saturday."
Yes. Yes, we ended up meeting on the following Saturday after 'Asr (around 5:30 local time at this point).
Those of you familiar with the educational world know that this isn't done. Interviewing a teacher on a Saturday?
So I rent (with many attempted interventions from shaytan- remind me to let y'all know why you shouldn't use Pric.eline EVER for car rentals) a car and drive the 520 miles to my parents' house, shower, and meet the director and the vice principal at the school.
This is when I bust the superduper list of questions/reasons why I can't and shouldn't take this job.
"I had a license in Puerto Rico, but it wasn't for this state. I no longer have it; and I've never worked with pre-schoolers before. I don't know if I could take this position without licensing prospects."
Response? "There are four $35, reimbursed classes you need to take in order to get the preschool provider title. As a former EMT, you already are familiar with 3 of them, and the fourth on child abuse recognition is part of your previous training as well. The school holds that license. In addition, if you get a master's degree in education, since you already have many of the credits, we can fast-track you to the private school license. If you want the full state license, and still need some courses after you check that out at the local university, we offer up to 50% of tuition reimbursement for your courses with a limit of a certain amount, of course."
Yeah. That took me a sec to get. But then...
"I don't have the money to move on the spot, especially if you want me to be here and teaching in three weeks. I give a final exam in two weeks, and I"m obligated until then. "
Response? " We've given you top salary for a new teacher, with insurance beginning the day you'd arrive in the city, plus full relocation expenses. We'll give you a day or two around the first date, we understand you'd be moving and all."
RELOCATION EXPENSES? From a SCHOOL?! Y'all better say mashaAllah.
"I don't have a car. And after the bereavement and burial of my grandmother, plus all the travel before her death, my fam won't be in position to help me get one. My getting here daily might involve my being here at the masjid as early as 6:30 AM and then as late as 6:30 PM every day. I don't want to take this job knowing that I may not be able to get here on time every day. What you're paying wouldn't quite be enough for me to handle a car payment."
Response? " Well, let's look through the teacher files and see if anyone is close to you, who ought to be able to carpool... 12312...12345-"
"Wait, 12345? That's my parents' zipcode! What street?"
The street the director reads is the one right behind my parents' house. He offers to call that teacher and ask her about carpool arrangements. We're all pretty sanguine at that point- if she wants, she doesn't even have to pick me up. I can walk to her house even if there's a foot of snow outside, no problem. And I can help with gas, too.
We go to visit the classroom and I ask a ton of questions, all which are answered by the vice director, who's awesome- she's leaving to move to Jordan. She tells me quite enthusiastically how great life as a muslim is in my parents' town, and reassures me that I'd have a connection to the youth through one of the teachers at the school, who's big into MAS and knows a lot of other young ladies.
The director reminds me that he'd love to meet my parents, esp. my mother, as I leave the school. He's given me a printed copy of my contract outlining all the terms including salary and the expected amount of relocation expenses, pre-signed by the director of the masjid's school board.
I'm dazed.
I go home and discuss with my parents. My father isn't thrilled that I'd be back- but on the other hand, as I let him know, my primary purpose in moving would be to teach, while living such that I can knock out the Puerto Rico debt once and for all. Then I'd be off to nursing school with the advantage of not having to work and being able to live on scholarships/loans if I need to do that.
The kicker? After I'm back in DC, exhaustedly teaching 3 sessions per day at the little English school that could, I get a call from the director of the school. He's offering me a position with a woman who'd pay me $25 per hour for about 2 hours of tutoring for her kids in English daily. With that, he says, about $500 per month over my salary, I could actually afford a car. He goes so far to say that his goal is to have me possibly driving before school starts the last week of August.
And to me, that means I could potentially begin education classes at the city's state school. With a car in working order- and $400/month would get me a great used car, inshaAllah, not to mention new (but I refuse to finance that much if at all possible)- I could get to and from night classes without running my parents nuts.
That's when I said subhanAllah. I was praising God from the minute I got the calls at camp, but this has been one pointer after another, leaving me no choice but to choose this. I mean, I'd be working at a recognized Islamic school, with children at an awesome developmental age. I'd be given the chance to knock out an oppressive amount of debt and live with my family while I do so. I'd be near my mother, who has just lost her mother and craves family. I've been given the chance to redeem and renew myself.
SubHanAllah.
There are still kinks to be worked out; everything is not hunky dory. I had just found a Qur'an teacher in a sister (ummm okay I'll call her Sis H.) I met at camp; so many friends I have are here. I dont' know what's up with Mahmood. ( when I asked sis. H. about being crush-a-licious, she agreed to ask the fam if he's looking to get married...!!!) Issues with taxes from PR are still trying to follow me around; I have to clean my room tonight (yeah) and find someone to take over my lease, lest I be stuck with $650 rent for a place I wouldn't be using and can't afford to hold. But after the blessing of this week... I refuse to be worried. I will just do everything in my power to be responsible enough to get to Ohio and start working for Him there.
I mean... I yelled a question. I asked. And I got a definite answer to act on. How real and good and true and awesome is God!! Takbir!
You know, if I were to hear this from anyone else, I'd think it was a lie. It's incredible. Also awesomely true.
Okay, so go back and read the last to understand the attitude of uncertainty and fear I had going on.
This is what has happened since:
Thursday, I attend the opening night of the MAS Maryland Tarbiya and Ilm summer camp. The one I paid for early, even though it put me right at the edge, financially. I'm beginning to understand that I need an Islamic immersion every couple months or so, and this was the way I chose to do it this time.
My ride to camp? Mahmood, he of the speeding foot and fascinating mind. I embarassed myself by keeping him waiting. And then hugging one of my friends while he waited. I don't wanna talk about it. I'll get there.
The relief of camp in part had to do with being in a practically all-female environment, too.
Thursday through Sunday- a whole weekend- camp was focused on self-knowledge and being close to Allah, and featured camp bunks, great (I mean ALHAMDULILLAH great) food, nature walks, and lots of learning and reading. And praying. Learning new dua'a, learning the reasons and protections from them, and praying every prayer plus sunnah plus qiyam on time. It was marvelous. And my personal prayer theme was Trusting Allah. I just wanted/want to get to the point where all that I do is what He wants me to do and all that I want is His way, His will, His light, His love. That was my prayer.
Of course, y'all know me- so I'm sure some of that came out in "Just tell me what to do for You!" format. Anyway.
At the end of Sunday when we're all leaving and turning our phones back on, I've got 10 missed calls. Turns out a director for a private school where my parents live wants me to interview.
I called him back: "I can't interview. My grandmother just died and then I went to a Tarbiya and Ilm retreat; it would be incredibly irresponsible for me to miss any more time, especially for something like this."
His response? "We can meet you on a Saturday."
Yes. Yes, we ended up meeting on the following Saturday after 'Asr (around 5:30 local time at this point).
Those of you familiar with the educational world know that this isn't done. Interviewing a teacher on a Saturday?
So I rent (with many attempted interventions from shaytan- remind me to let y'all know why you shouldn't use Pric.eline EVER for car rentals) a car and drive the 520 miles to my parents' house, shower, and meet the director and the vice principal at the school.
This is when I bust the superduper list of questions/reasons why I can't and shouldn't take this job.
"I had a license in Puerto Rico, but it wasn't for this state. I no longer have it; and I've never worked with pre-schoolers before. I don't know if I could take this position without licensing prospects."
Response? "There are four $35, reimbursed classes you need to take in order to get the preschool provider title. As a former EMT, you already are familiar with 3 of them, and the fourth on child abuse recognition is part of your previous training as well. The school holds that license. In addition, if you get a master's degree in education, since you already have many of the credits, we can fast-track you to the private school license. If you want the full state license, and still need some courses after you check that out at the local university, we offer up to 50% of tuition reimbursement for your courses with a limit of a certain amount, of course."
Yeah. That took me a sec to get. But then...
"I don't have the money to move on the spot, especially if you want me to be here and teaching in three weeks. I give a final exam in two weeks, and I"m obligated until then. "
Response? " We've given you top salary for a new teacher, with insurance beginning the day you'd arrive in the city, plus full relocation expenses. We'll give you a day or two around the first date, we understand you'd be moving and all."
RELOCATION EXPENSES? From a SCHOOL?! Y'all better say mashaAllah.
"I don't have a car. And after the bereavement and burial of my grandmother, plus all the travel before her death, my fam won't be in position to help me get one. My getting here daily might involve my being here at the masjid as early as 6:30 AM and then as late as 6:30 PM every day. I don't want to take this job knowing that I may not be able to get here on time every day. What you're paying wouldn't quite be enough for me to handle a car payment."
Response? " Well, let's look through the teacher files and see if anyone is close to you, who ought to be able to carpool... 12312...12345-"
"Wait, 12345? That's my parents' zipcode! What street?"
The street the director reads is the one right behind my parents' house. He offers to call that teacher and ask her about carpool arrangements. We're all pretty sanguine at that point- if she wants, she doesn't even have to pick me up. I can walk to her house even if there's a foot of snow outside, no problem. And I can help with gas, too.
We go to visit the classroom and I ask a ton of questions, all which are answered by the vice director, who's awesome- she's leaving to move to Jordan. She tells me quite enthusiastically how great life as a muslim is in my parents' town, and reassures me that I'd have a connection to the youth through one of the teachers at the school, who's big into MAS and knows a lot of other young ladies.
The director reminds me that he'd love to meet my parents, esp. my mother, as I leave the school. He's given me a printed copy of my contract outlining all the terms including salary and the expected amount of relocation expenses, pre-signed by the director of the masjid's school board.
I'm dazed.
I go home and discuss with my parents. My father isn't thrilled that I'd be back- but on the other hand, as I let him know, my primary purpose in moving would be to teach, while living such that I can knock out the Puerto Rico debt once and for all. Then I'd be off to nursing school with the advantage of not having to work and being able to live on scholarships/loans if I need to do that.
The kicker? After I'm back in DC, exhaustedly teaching 3 sessions per day at the little English school that could, I get a call from the director of the school. He's offering me a position with a woman who'd pay me $25 per hour for about 2 hours of tutoring for her kids in English daily. With that, he says, about $500 per month over my salary, I could actually afford a car. He goes so far to say that his goal is to have me possibly driving before school starts the last week of August.
And to me, that means I could potentially begin education classes at the city's state school. With a car in working order- and $400/month would get me a great used car, inshaAllah, not to mention new (but I refuse to finance that much if at all possible)- I could get to and from night classes without running my parents nuts.
That's when I said subhanAllah. I was praising God from the minute I got the calls at camp, but this has been one pointer after another, leaving me no choice but to choose this. I mean, I'd be working at a recognized Islamic school, with children at an awesome developmental age. I'd be given the chance to knock out an oppressive amount of debt and live with my family while I do so. I'd be near my mother, who has just lost her mother and craves family. I've been given the chance to redeem and renew myself.
SubHanAllah.
There are still kinks to be worked out; everything is not hunky dory. I had just found a Qur'an teacher in a sister (ummm okay I'll call her Sis H.) I met at camp; so many friends I have are here. I dont' know what's up with Mahmood. ( when I asked sis. H. about being crush-a-licious, she agreed to ask the fam if he's looking to get married...!!!) Issues with taxes from PR are still trying to follow me around; I have to clean my room tonight (yeah) and find someone to take over my lease, lest I be stuck with $650 rent for a place I wouldn't be using and can't afford to hold. But after the blessing of this week... I refuse to be worried. I will just do everything in my power to be responsible enough to get to Ohio and start working for Him there.
I mean... I yelled a question. I asked. And I got a definite answer to act on. How real and good and true and awesome is God!! Takbir!
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