assalamu alaikum,
I'm so antsy, because I did it; I got the ball rolling with this guy.
I don't even want to give him a blog name, yet. It might be one of those things that fades away until even if I gave him a pseudonym, I wouldn't remember his real name.
It's the possibilities that are making me antsy and itchy and wiggly. What if he says yes? (?!?!!)
So let me backtrack a sec... since my last post, I've had this in the back of my mind; I just didn't have a lot of time to focus on it. Between the mentoring group, plus my time-and-a-half studies, I had like five assignments, a test, and a research critique due last week. As it was, I didn't do as well as I wanted on the test (a B, but I want an A. Yes, I'm one of those people).
But this weekend, Br. Leader and May had a gathering at their house. And at first I asked Leader, okay, so if we don't date... how Do I get to know this man, to see if this is right?
I appreciated the answer, which was... just have people around. The big issues with dating in Islam are that the important questions aren't fully addressed before marriage, and/or the couple being alone together (since, if a man and a woman are alone together, shaitan is the third)- that includes phone calls and internet contact. So he basically said, like go to a restaurant and sit at a table, but have another couple (or parents, depending on how strict the family is) at a different table. I kinda grinned when he said something to the effect that no man is going to try something if her dad is sitting at the next table; totally true! Or, he said, if two people were sitting in his dining room, and others were in another room; since the floor plan is pretty open (no real doors), and people can come and peek in at all times, that's acceptable.
So it really is like courting, back in the day. I like that. I never was a dating person, even back before Islam in high school.
But then he asked, "Anybody I know?" and y'all, I'm so glad I'm a chocolate person because I know I must've blushed like bright red. So I said yes; and he offered to have a gathering at his house, to prevent awkwardness.
I spend so much time protecting myself against blows I think are coming and too often have come. The experience last weekend really got me to the point where I finally started to bring my barriers down. I can't tell you how big that is. I want to be the person who avoids that awkward situation without dreading it or acting to avoid it instead of acting to get what I want... in this. Most times I don't give a rip what anyone thinks.
And May commented on just that. The mentoring group we're all a part of is going to be doing year-long training. "You'll have enough on your plate without that big white elephant in the room." Ain't that the truth.
Leader said something else about how this guy might be ok with marrying older in general, but really might want to marry someone his age or younger. I agreed; and what ran through my head was something similar, but along racial lines. Just last week I had a friend email me some man's profile. When I asked her why she didn't want to keep him for herself, she said, "He's African-American." SO what? I wondered. Turns out she wants a desi guy- she's desi herself. I wonder if this guy is like that. I doubt it; but what do I know?
So, since I finally let someone know who can get the ball rolling, I do feel better about it. Still giddy, still looking forward to seeing him, but better. I'm getting to like this anticipation of GOOD things.
Make dua'a for me, please!
twenny
Showing posts with label ___-a-licious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ___-a-licious. Show all posts
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wait. You're HOW old?
assalamu alaikum
I'm totally paying for the hijinks of my youth.
This weekend we went to a MORE Life weekend. Long story short, there was a man there I totally vibed with. He's from the Conservopolis community, and I've known him for a while but not had the chance to hang with him until now.
Well. I think he's just awesome. Judging from our conversations over the weekend (travel plus convention) he's digging me.
We had this conversation the other night that has me stuck though:
Me: Yeah, so Monday it's back to ExtraCatholic U for class.
Him: Oh, what, so University of Conservopolis isn't good enough for you?
Me: Eh, well, my moms has worked at Ex for a while; I thought she should at least have one kid graduate from there.
Him: Yeah, it's smart to take advantage of tuition remission.
Me: Or, it would be, but I'm too old. You have to be under 26.
Him: *doubletake* wait... you're over 26?
Me:... definitely over 26.
PAUSE
Me: How old did you think I was,[name]?
Him: Well, you hang with my cousin Mari, I was thinking you're like 22, 23 tops like she is.
Me: *laughing* Yeah, I keep slipping and thinking Mari is my age, but no. I'm 23 in my heart, though!
Him: *laughing* Well, I'm 20 in my heart and my body!
*conversation continues to other things*
And I am sooo stuck. Dag. A 10 year difference?! For real? I mean, if I were 40 (ya Allah, please forbid!) it wouldn't be as big a deal.
In his defence, had he not SAID he was that young, I never would've known. Honestly. JW acts five years younger than this guy, and he acts, well, grown. If asked I'd've said he was 25 at the youngest; he's still working toward his BA, otherwise I don't know if I'd've thought him even that young.
I like him a lot.
So the other thing is, now what? Besides my usual moping about. I'm just not going to do that. If I were the dating kind I'd ask him out. Yes, even now I know how young he is. In fact, I feel like I need to spend some time to figure out if his maturity is my crazy perception or if he's just unusually old in his manner.
Since I don't date... now what?
yeah.
peace
twennytwo (who is darn near thurdy)
I'm totally paying for the hijinks of my youth.
This weekend we went to a MORE Life weekend. Long story short, there was a man there I totally vibed with. He's from the Conservopolis community, and I've known him for a while but not had the chance to hang with him until now.
Well. I think he's just awesome. Judging from our conversations over the weekend (travel plus convention) he's digging me.
We had this conversation the other night that has me stuck though:
Me: Yeah, so Monday it's back to ExtraCatholic U for class.
Him: Oh, what, so University of Conservopolis isn't good enough for you?
Me: Eh, well, my moms has worked at Ex for a while; I thought she should at least have one kid graduate from there.
Him: Yeah, it's smart to take advantage of tuition remission.
Me: Or, it would be, but I'm too old. You have to be under 26.
Him: *doubletake* wait... you're over 26?
Me:... definitely over 26.
PAUSE
Me: How old did you think I was,[name]?
Him: Well, you hang with my cousin Mari, I was thinking you're like 22, 23 tops like she is.
Me: *laughing* Yeah, I keep slipping and thinking Mari is my age, but no. I'm 23 in my heart, though!
Him: *laughing* Well, I'm 20 in my heart and my body!
*conversation continues to other things*
And I am sooo stuck. Dag. A 10 year difference?! For real? I mean, if I were 40 (ya Allah, please forbid!) it wouldn't be as big a deal.
In his defence, had he not SAID he was that young, I never would've known. Honestly. JW acts five years younger than this guy, and he acts, well, grown. If asked I'd've said he was 25 at the youngest; he's still working toward his BA, otherwise I don't know if I'd've thought him even that young.
I like him a lot.
So the other thing is, now what? Besides my usual moping about. I'm just not going to do that. If I were the dating kind I'd ask him out. Yes, even now I know how young he is. In fact, I feel like I need to spend some time to figure out if his maturity is my crazy perception or if he's just unusually old in his manner.
Since I don't date... now what?
yeah.
peace
twennytwo (who is darn near thurdy)
Friday, July 24, 2009
And then life got bizz-ayy
assalamu alaikum,
Okay, so the Fawak.ih Intensive has been making life super busy. I'm staying at the home of my most gracious friend, and that has really made it easy. I realized- between Nene's wedding, ISNA/Independence Day in DC, and now this, I haven't been home more than 3 days at a time this summer since the last week in June. I'm cherishing it, too. I think the reason I put up with being a teacher in part is the long summers, my best season, in which to spend my time as I please.
So this summer for one month I've chosen to spend my time learning Arabic in the intensive program. I'm beginning to think that programs like this may not be for me, though. Or, I have to reconfigure how I do them. Since I'm staying with my amiga, who lives in the city but nearly an hour away, we miss a lot just in transportation time. Nearly 2 hours each day goes to riding back and forth on the highway- and of course, it's construction season, so that can suddenly be longer in a flash. If I really wanted to study, I'd see about getting a room in the hotel in front of the institute. However, last year I stayed there and got VERY ill- and a lot of the women staying there are getting sick this time- so I'll take a few missed days/hours and inshaAllah stay healthy.
I love the course. I love languages (BAM and The Muslimah can attest), and though learning this one isn't a cakewalk, it's still a worthwhile pursuit. Of course, I made the intention to learn fisabilillah before I went to the program. Which is good, because this is coming with some tests!
First thing is jobs. Alhamdulillah, I still have a job after what I wouldn't call an excellent year, last year. But. I left the school year extremely frustrated with the school, administration, the way things were left previously... etc. In other words, I was ready for a break. I didn't actually stop working until the last week of June, well after the other teachers left, because I was dealing with a mess that the teachers previously had left, but one that I hadn't taken the time to organize.
Annnnnd... so of course I get calls this week and it stresses me out. I'm glad to be moving to a new position (older kids, in an area where I have more experience, inshaAllah) in the school, and I know that even having a job is a blessing right about now. But OMG. My blood pressure and heart rate are jacked just thinking about it. I need a different job, yo. This is my last year.
Then? Of course, it just so happens that my celebrity crush is one of the lecturers at the Fawa.kih program. I don't know how much I need to say about that. But um, yeah. Glad my skin isn't pale, because I surely was flushed and flustered half the time. That was a nice feeling, though...ah, I don't know how to explain it.
My friend and I came up with a new joke, though: Como es que se baje la vista de un hombre bajo? Ask me in the comments if you don't speak Spanish/can't find a translator/don't get the joke.
And? I've sewed a couple of pairs of pants since I've been here, including one for my amiga, which came out really well. It really does give you a boost when you feel as if you are well dressed, and it's fun to be able to say to the other ladies, yes, I sewed them myself, and it's easy, and I'd be happy to show you! Such a feeling of accomplishment, mashaAllah.
So, that's the update. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I need to go study for an exam... Yay, Arabic!
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, so the Fawak.ih Intensive has been making life super busy. I'm staying at the home of my most gracious friend, and that has really made it easy. I realized- between Nene's wedding, ISNA/Independence Day in DC, and now this, I haven't been home more than 3 days at a time this summer since the last week in June. I'm cherishing it, too. I think the reason I put up with being a teacher in part is the long summers, my best season, in which to spend my time as I please.
So this summer for one month I've chosen to spend my time learning Arabic in the intensive program. I'm beginning to think that programs like this may not be for me, though. Or, I have to reconfigure how I do them. Since I'm staying with my amiga, who lives in the city but nearly an hour away, we miss a lot just in transportation time. Nearly 2 hours each day goes to riding back and forth on the highway- and of course, it's construction season, so that can suddenly be longer in a flash. If I really wanted to study, I'd see about getting a room in the hotel in front of the institute. However, last year I stayed there and got VERY ill- and a lot of the women staying there are getting sick this time- so I'll take a few missed days/hours and inshaAllah stay healthy.
I love the course. I love languages (BAM and The Muslimah can attest), and though learning this one isn't a cakewalk, it's still a worthwhile pursuit. Of course, I made the intention to learn fisabilillah before I went to the program. Which is good, because this is coming with some tests!
First thing is jobs. Alhamdulillah, I still have a job after what I wouldn't call an excellent year, last year. But. I left the school year extremely frustrated with the school, administration, the way things were left previously... etc. In other words, I was ready for a break. I didn't actually stop working until the last week of June, well after the other teachers left, because I was dealing with a mess that the teachers previously had left, but one that I hadn't taken the time to organize.
Annnnnd... so of course I get calls this week and it stresses me out. I'm glad to be moving to a new position (older kids, in an area where I have more experience, inshaAllah) in the school, and I know that even having a job is a blessing right about now. But OMG. My blood pressure and heart rate are jacked just thinking about it. I need a different job, yo. This is my last year.
Then? Of course, it just so happens that my celebrity crush is one of the lecturers at the Fawa.kih program. I don't know how much I need to say about that. But um, yeah. Glad my skin isn't pale, because I surely was flushed and flustered half the time. That was a nice feeling, though...ah, I don't know how to explain it.
My friend and I came up with a new joke, though: Como es que se baje la vista de un hombre bajo? Ask me in the comments if you don't speak Spanish/can't find a translator/don't get the joke.
And? I've sewed a couple of pairs of pants since I've been here, including one for my amiga, which came out really well. It really does give you a boost when you feel as if you are well dressed, and it's fun to be able to say to the other ladies, yes, I sewed them myself, and it's easy, and I'd be happy to show you! Such a feeling of accomplishment, mashaAllah.
So, that's the update. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I need to go study for an exam... Yay, Arabic!
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Things you don't say aloud
assalamu alaikum,
Sometimes I'm really constrained by the fact that people I know read this. Sometimes I don't care.
But a lot of times what I say here is what I wouldn't say aloud.
I knew Sunny was getting married. Turns out he's marrying the head of the Catty Crew.
BOOYAH, ya NAFS!!! Just when you thought you were SOMETHING SPECIAL!!
No, those feelings don't get any easier to handle as I get older, but my game face does.
Dag, the worst part is that since Catty1 will be May's SIL I can't even confide how much Catty1 gets on my nerves. Well, I guess this IS going to drive me toward better habits. Back to Allah. Silver linings everywhere.
I had 3 different sets of friends either get married or get engaged this week. I wish them all the best of blessings and happiness, in all sincerity. I just as sincerely wish I didn't know anything about all this wedded bliss. My game face is getting a heckuva workout.
And now I'm off tosoak my jainamaz pray.
peace
Sometimes I'm really constrained by the fact that people I know read this. Sometimes I don't care.
But a lot of times what I say here is what I wouldn't say aloud.
I knew Sunny was getting married. Turns out he's marrying the head of the Catty Crew.
BOOYAH, ya NAFS!!! Just when you thought you were SOMETHING SPECIAL!!
No, those feelings don't get any easier to handle as I get older, but my game face does.
Dag, the worst part is that since Catty1 will be May's SIL I can't even confide how much Catty1 gets on my nerves. Well, I guess this IS going to drive me toward better habits. Back to Allah. Silver linings everywhere.
I had 3 different sets of friends either get married or get engaged this week. I wish them all the best of blessings and happiness, in all sincerity. I just as sincerely wish I didn't know anything about all this wedded bliss. My game face is getting a heckuva workout.
And now I'm off to
peace
Sunday, January 04, 2009
My Fairy Tales
Assalamu Alaikum,
Most of my friends- I mean, a good deal- are married (or coupled and nearly married up... lookin' at you, Meke). And all of the women will tell you that the first thing I ask about is how they got together. I call those stories my 'fairy tales'- even if they're no happily ever after story, they're always good for a sigh and a smile.
The story of Michelle Obama is no exception:
My friend A. has warned me, 'Don't go talking about this to everyone! This is private!' And I took her nasiha at first, because she was right in that not all ears are attached to those who are looking out for my best interest. But at the same time, it's just hard for me NOT to talk about the things that interest me; so when you're around me you hear about preschool learning activities, microbiology and midwifery, and marriage. And alhamdulillah, I think that especially in this cuture, in the US, the pot that squeals gets poured. If I don't put it out there that I love my students, that nursing and the whole process of birth interest me, and that I want to get married, how will opportunities make themselves known?
Today at halaqa we talked about Hasad, and jealousy, and the evil eye, and how nothing that happens to us happens, except by permission and will of Allah. And that just as we are working within time with our tools of free will, good deeds, and dua'a to ask Allah to give us good, we can't understand just how fully Allah is outside of time, and created free will, and wants us to ask for what he already gave. It was deep.
And since I was sitting close to Bro. Leader, I looked down at my behennaed hands while he talked. I've found that the American respect of looking people in the eye when they're talking doesn't always translate well into intimate Islamic study circles... and when I looked up, Farhan was sitting across from me. I was startled. And got flustered... could this be the beginning of my own fairy tale? I gazed at my hands again, and made dua'a that Allah's will be made clear. When I looked up again, Farhan was gone. And Bro. Leader had returned to the topic of the goodness of Allah's rizq, in that he has written not only what he willed, but what we ask for.
peace
TwennyTwo
Most of my friends- I mean, a good deal- are married (or coupled and nearly married up... lookin' at you, Meke). And all of the women will tell you that the first thing I ask about is how they got together. I call those stories my 'fairy tales'- even if they're no happily ever after story, they're always good for a sigh and a smile.
The story of Michelle Obama is no exception:
My friend A. has warned me, 'Don't go talking about this to everyone! This is private!' And I took her nasiha at first, because she was right in that not all ears are attached to those who are looking out for my best interest. But at the same time, it's just hard for me NOT to talk about the things that interest me; so when you're around me you hear about preschool learning activities, microbiology and midwifery, and marriage. And alhamdulillah, I think that especially in this cuture, in the US, the pot that squeals gets poured. If I don't put it out there that I love my students, that nursing and the whole process of birth interest me, and that I want to get married, how will opportunities make themselves known?
Today at halaqa we talked about Hasad, and jealousy, and the evil eye, and how nothing that happens to us happens, except by permission and will of Allah. And that just as we are working within time with our tools of free will, good deeds, and dua'a to ask Allah to give us good, we can't understand just how fully Allah is outside of time, and created free will, and wants us to ask for what he already gave. It was deep.
And since I was sitting close to Bro. Leader, I looked down at my behennaed hands while he talked. I've found that the American respect of looking people in the eye when they're talking doesn't always translate well into intimate Islamic study circles... and when I looked up, Farhan was sitting across from me. I was startled. And got flustered... could this be the beginning of my own fairy tale? I gazed at my hands again, and made dua'a that Allah's will be made clear. When I looked up again, Farhan was gone. And Bro. Leader had returned to the topic of the goodness of Allah's rizq, in that he has written not only what he willed, but what we ask for.
peace
TwennyTwo
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Half gone...
Assalamu Alaikum,
Ramadhan has been a blessing as always, though sometimes the blessings come in the form of tests.
Conservopolis got hit with the remnants of Hurricane Ike as it passed through the upper Midwest, leaving not much rain in our area, but wind that knocked trees into roads and houses (!), and leaving schools in 10 counties with holidays. Looks like we'll be back tomorrow, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't benefited from the rest. I took advantage of the time to get a few more things sorted with my science courses at Conservopolis Technical. Just a couple weeks and some FAFSA forms and I'll be on my way to a master's degree. Alhamdulillah.
JW is doing well, actually came to an iftar after being invited by Bro. Leader this past weekend. I always enjoy spending time with their family, and this was no exception. JW invited his (very Christian) 'girlfriend' who shares a name with our sister, and that was interesting. She didn't ask very many questions, just watched with eyes wide open. She's a good girl, as Sis. May noted; and while we all know that no woman can change any man, (that is Allah's power) I hope she sticks around. He likes her; she's a cool person who has calming influence. We'll see.
Speaking of that family, Sonny left for the middle east right after the start of Ramadhan. His sister is mad excited that he'll be closer to her; he's going to study Arabic and the deen and will be gone a year. I'm happy for him (wish for your brother what you wish for yourself is true here) and at the same time glad he'll be gone. InshaAllah he is guided to knowledge. One of my girl friends who is supposed to go study in the same country won't be leaving until December, after all, and I'm glad to have the time with her. May Allah continue to bless her. She's so patient, kind, and such a student of Islam, I'll miss her when she goes.
Hmph and then Bilal said his version of Ramadhan mubarak over the Facebook. Alhamdulillah for being a grownup. It's been 5 years since we all graduated from college. I miss DC, I miss the good times and the good people I met there. Being at ISNA a couple weeks ago, I ran into so many sisters and brothers who were my companions on the way to Islam. Bilal was one of those, as is D, as is Koonj for that matter. Few are the true friends I keep in contact with- so of the others? I thank Allah for them... but I'm purposely putting one foot in front of the other daily, away from them. At least during Ramadhan the straight path doesn't seem as lonely.
*sigh*. I'm trying to be good so I'll move on from that topic (Sonny and crew, Bilal, D), won't I?
It's such an awesome experience to actually keep up with each Juz every day. I've been using Qur'an explorer (script works best with IE, be forewarned) to recite them with the English meaning daily, then going to tarawih when I can, nights. I'm developing a preference for one tarawih; the qari is so deliberate, reciting with feeling, mashaAllah. For a while my funds were low, and I got unexpected benefit from having to visit a certain masjid. There are some awesome sisters there, we're getting to know one another.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm here, and I'm okay, and I hope your Ramadhan is even more blessed than mine, amin.
peace
TwennyTwo
Ramadhan has been a blessing as always, though sometimes the blessings come in the form of tests.
Conservopolis got hit with the remnants of Hurricane Ike as it passed through the upper Midwest, leaving not much rain in our area, but wind that knocked trees into roads and houses (!), and leaving schools in 10 counties with holidays. Looks like we'll be back tomorrow, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't benefited from the rest. I took advantage of the time to get a few more things sorted with my science courses at Conservopolis Technical. Just a couple weeks and some FAFSA forms and I'll be on my way to a master's degree. Alhamdulillah.
JW is doing well, actually came to an iftar after being invited by Bro. Leader this past weekend. I always enjoy spending time with their family, and this was no exception. JW invited his (very Christian) 'girlfriend' who shares a name with our sister, and that was interesting. She didn't ask very many questions, just watched with eyes wide open. She's a good girl, as Sis. May noted; and while we all know that no woman can change any man, (that is Allah's power) I hope she sticks around. He likes her; she's a cool person who has calming influence. We'll see.
Speaking of that family, Sonny left for the middle east right after the start of Ramadhan. His sister is mad excited that he'll be closer to her; he's going to study Arabic and the deen and will be gone a year. I'm happy for him (wish for your brother what you wish for yourself is true here) and at the same time glad he'll be gone. InshaAllah he is guided to knowledge. One of my girl friends who is supposed to go study in the same country won't be leaving until December, after all, and I'm glad to have the time with her. May Allah continue to bless her. She's so patient, kind, and such a student of Islam, I'll miss her when she goes.
Hmph and then Bilal said his version of Ramadhan mubarak over the Facebook. Alhamdulillah for being a grownup. It's been 5 years since we all graduated from college. I miss DC, I miss the good times and the good people I met there. Being at ISNA a couple weeks ago, I ran into so many sisters and brothers who were my companions on the way to Islam. Bilal was one of those, as is D, as is Koonj for that matter. Few are the true friends I keep in contact with- so of the others? I thank Allah for them... but I'm purposely putting one foot in front of the other daily, away from them. At least during Ramadhan the straight path doesn't seem as lonely.
*sigh*. I'm trying to be good so I'll move on from that topic (Sonny and crew, Bilal, D), won't I?
It's such an awesome experience to actually keep up with each Juz every day. I've been using Qur'an explorer (script works best with IE, be forewarned) to recite them with the English meaning daily, then going to tarawih when I can, nights. I'm developing a preference for one tarawih; the qari is so deliberate, reciting with feeling, mashaAllah. For a while my funds were low, and I got unexpected benefit from having to visit a certain masjid. There are some awesome sisters there, we're getting to know one another.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm here, and I'm okay, and I hope your Ramadhan is even more blessed than mine, amin.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Open. Your. Eyes.
Assalamu Alaikum,
Oh, man. Yesterday I needed someone to hold me back. I won't say what I did in the privacy of the teacher's lounge, because, well, it doesn't sound very nice. I hit a limit of fury yesterday. It's not good to feel that outdone at your place of employment.
Remember, I've said so many times that it's never the child who causes me problems. It's usually adults who won't act right.
Long story short, there's a female parent of a child who is causing problems because she's kicking up a fuss about her child.
Now, this is, at the root, what every parent wants to do. You all want your child to do well and you'll do what it takes to make that happen. You'll talk to the teachers and ask for extra work. You'll have him do that work, with a lot of help from you, under your very careful and watchful eye. You'll teach your child in the way of Allah. You'll help the child against herself when she needs it.
If this were that and only that, I could fully understand and bring the fullness of my patience to the situation. But it isn't. It's about this woman's refusal to see what her child does and how the child affects others. Like telling me you've enrolled your child in a pretty tough extra-curricular class and then telling me that you know your child, of course your child doesn't hit others. And of course, I should have a gentle and special way to have this child follow instructions, unlike the other children who obey me the first or even the second time I tell them something. Right. Just explain to me how out of 38 children how your child is the only one who is having accidents and being injured so, if your child never disobeys her teachers or hits and taunts the rougher kids until they snap. You seek that information, but when I tell you you don't see. Open your eyes!
I think another thing that bothers me is that there's another mother and another child who DO deserve help and the best of our resources, and I'm missing how both of these situations are being treated equally. And I'm sad that it probably means that neither of the children will be at our school next year. *sigh*. At least I'm not worried I won't be at the school next year.
I'm really sad for the first child I mentioned, because this child is so manipulative and sneaky that the child needs the boundaries that we provide. Really. Child A does so much better when we're firm but loving, that mother's insistence on being gentle and solicitous with this one child drives me wild- that isn't actually what will serve her child best, in my professional opinion. Anyway.
Yesterday we had about a half-hour meeting, and after that, I was through. I'm done. There are 26 school days left this year and I'm just going to work toward getting through all of them well, with smiling kids at the end. I'm also going to have to keep this child separated from certain others. Fine. You'll pay me to do that, it'll get done. And then I hope you go to another school, because that's the only way you'll learn exactly how your child is, and you'll learn to open your eyes.
And that's all I want to say about that.
In other news, I have no idea what I'm doing this summer, and May begins... tomorrow! My Master's application for the University of Conservopolis is due, um, tomorrow. Ask me if I've begun. No, don't. And gasoline is up to $3.65 a gallon here. A friend invited me to stay at her house five minutes from work, and at first I refused, until she made me accept (anyone else have Egyptian friends? I love her so much mashaAllah!), and then when I came out and saw how high gas was I was glad she beat me into it!
And... I think my last crush is off the potential marriage list. We'll see. He's going to Jordan for a year to learn Arabic starting this fall. I still think he's an awesome guy, but at the same time, this past weekend someone made me realize that um, I'm not unique in thinking that. His family is very well known, which I think is a big factor in that. And I want someone who wants me for me, not looking for an ideal social match. Not that he's said that or anything.
Off to work... make dua'a for me!
peace
TwennyTwo
Oh, man. Yesterday I needed someone to hold me back. I won't say what I did in the privacy of the teacher's lounge, because, well, it doesn't sound very nice. I hit a limit of fury yesterday. It's not good to feel that outdone at your place of employment.
Remember, I've said so many times that it's never the child who causes me problems. It's usually adults who won't act right.
Long story short, there's a female parent of a child who is causing problems because she's kicking up a fuss about her child.
Now, this is, at the root, what every parent wants to do. You all want your child to do well and you'll do what it takes to make that happen. You'll talk to the teachers and ask for extra work. You'll have him do that work, with a lot of help from you, under your very careful and watchful eye. You'll teach your child in the way of Allah. You'll help the child against herself when she needs it.
If this were that and only that, I could fully understand and bring the fullness of my patience to the situation. But it isn't. It's about this woman's refusal to see what her child does and how the child affects others. Like telling me you've enrolled your child in a pretty tough extra-curricular class and then telling me that you know your child, of course your child doesn't hit others. And of course, I should have a gentle and special way to have this child follow instructions, unlike the other children who obey me the first or even the second time I tell them something. Right. Just explain to me how out of 38 children how your child is the only one who is having accidents and being injured so, if your child never disobeys her teachers or hits and taunts the rougher kids until they snap. You seek that information, but when I tell you you don't see. Open your eyes!
I think another thing that bothers me is that there's another mother and another child who DO deserve help and the best of our resources, and I'm missing how both of these situations are being treated equally. And I'm sad that it probably means that neither of the children will be at our school next year. *sigh*. At least I'm not worried I won't be at the school next year.
I'm really sad for the first child I mentioned, because this child is so manipulative and sneaky that the child needs the boundaries that we provide. Really. Child A does so much better when we're firm but loving, that mother's insistence on being gentle and solicitous with this one child drives me wild- that isn't actually what will serve her child best, in my professional opinion. Anyway.
Yesterday we had about a half-hour meeting, and after that, I was through. I'm done. There are 26 school days left this year and I'm just going to work toward getting through all of them well, with smiling kids at the end. I'm also going to have to keep this child separated from certain others. Fine. You'll pay me to do that, it'll get done. And then I hope you go to another school, because that's the only way you'll learn exactly how your child is, and you'll learn to open your eyes.
And that's all I want to say about that.
In other news, I have no idea what I'm doing this summer, and May begins... tomorrow! My Master's application for the University of Conservopolis is due, um, tomorrow. Ask me if I've begun. No, don't. And gasoline is up to $3.65 a gallon here. A friend invited me to stay at her house five minutes from work, and at first I refused, until she made me accept (anyone else have Egyptian friends? I love her so much mashaAllah!), and then when I came out and saw how high gas was I was glad she beat me into it!
And... I think my last crush is off the potential marriage list. We'll see. He's going to Jordan for a year to learn Arabic starting this fall. I still think he's an awesome guy, but at the same time, this past weekend someone made me realize that um, I'm not unique in thinking that. His family is very well known, which I think is a big factor in that. And I want someone who wants me for me, not looking for an ideal social match. Not that he's said that or anything.
Off to work... make dua'a for me!
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, March 01, 2008
I don't even know what to call this
assalamu alaikum,
Been a while, huh?
I hope everyone is doing well.
I want to be upbeat, but really, I'm out of sorts.
As positive as I was about staying at the school where I'm currently working, events of the past week have made me seriously reconsider. I think what I'm going to do is find out which classes I'm missing for licensure in this state, and then see if I can take them this summer.
I hate job hunting like fire, second only to moving (and they're really different forms of the same thing), but I'll do and have done both. If I have a teaching license I can work in public school (= much more pay and an environment that, while not islamic, is one I'm used to) or I can stay at the Islamic school but with much more leverage. Because, get this, the admin offered my assistant the lead teacher position last week- the same week they'd both ticked me off royally and then told me that I'd be moving to the upper school next year. While I wasn't thrilled, I was much less sanguine when I heard from my assistant that they'd rescinded the offer because there're no places in the upper school for me to go- a teacher who said she'd move isn't doing so. Great. Aside from the pettier stuff that upset me in the first place, now you're jerking people's positions around publicly. I say, just sit on that stuff until you have contracts up (or not). Argh.
Or, get this suggestion from my mother this morning, I could return to la isla this summer and take the few courses I needed in order to finish a certification or master's degree there. Plus, I mean, summer in portareeco! Sounds like a vacation I could definitely use. I miss my friends and the warmth of that place deeply.
I'll have to figure it out financially, but I should just about be able to swing it. I'm tutoring after school and on weekends now, with children much older than my daily preschool set. I get to work with older students, they get to learn and review what they need for school, and apparently what I charge is a bargain. Works for everyone. Excellent.
My classes had their field trip yesterday, mashaAllah! They had a great time. I think I want to go again- around 6 kids didn't go, and all of the adults agreed that we needed more time there. I took one child who is three handfuls, and while i was dealing with her, one of the others in my group wandered off- twice. The first time I nearly had a heart attack thinking of him and where he was and what I'd tell his mom- and as soon as i reported him missing to the booth, he turned up. Whew! They did have a great time, and that's what counts. I'm sorry I didn't get them to do it earlier.
When, inshaAllah, I run this half-marathon in May, I'll be very undertrained, so much so that I'm already making dua'a just to finish. I'll finish no matter how long it takes me. Things keep popping up, serious stuff that stresses me out and pushes me off-schedule. I really really really want to do this, though. So I may start undertrained and just pray through. I don't want to be in too much pain afterward, though,but I mean... when I was running and training in the full of summer before I had no issues. I just need to get up to a high number of miles in training again.
D called me the other day. He wanted to let me know about the invite he recieved to Rabbit and Bay's wedding. I think he was also fishing to know if I got one. I didn't. I don't know how I feel about that except that I'm still thinking about it, which can't be good. The phone call, and the non-invite. *sigh*. That call was the first time D called me since I left DC. He generally doesn't call me unless something's bothering him (ha- and I thought I wasn't a good listener) or something's going on with our old college crew, Rabbit and Bay included. I said a while ago that the biggest problem with D is that he isn't Muslim, and I mean that, so while I was happy to hear from him... I was almost ambivalent, too. Allahu Alim. I'ont need to be talkin to no mens anyhow. I'm still making dua'a on marriage.
Hee hee hee. Oh man. That reminds me. I went to a seminar/lecture/talk tonight about managing finances islamically. While it was good, it was more about generally how to manage finances, and less about where to actually put your money now that you know what's halal and what's haraam about investing and owning(NOT saving!) especially here in the western part of the world. InshaAllah they're going to have a whole series on this stuff, so my questions'll be answered then.
Yeah, so my crush was there tonight. TOTALLY wasn't expecting that one. I hope I wasn't rude, I tend to be very cool in public to keep my blushes under control. I should've known there was a huge chance he'd be there, his family's big in the particular masjid where the lecture was being held- he's related to the speaker, in fact. But I haven't thought about him in a while. Sooo glad I'm not pale, SubhanAllah, I'd've been tomato red, ya'll. I straight asked his sister if he's 'looking' and found out that he kind of is but not really, since he's thinking about going to the ME soon. Some of y'all may know him so I won't get into it, but. Hmm. Maybe that's my sign to be looking elsewhere.
Anyway. Got that off my chest. Happy March- inshaAllah I'll write again before the end of the month!
peace
TwennyTwo
Been a while, huh?
I hope everyone is doing well.
I want to be upbeat, but really, I'm out of sorts.
As positive as I was about staying at the school where I'm currently working, events of the past week have made me seriously reconsider. I think what I'm going to do is find out which classes I'm missing for licensure in this state, and then see if I can take them this summer.
I hate job hunting like fire, second only to moving (and they're really different forms of the same thing), but I'll do and have done both. If I have a teaching license I can work in public school (= much more pay and an environment that, while not islamic, is one I'm used to) or I can stay at the Islamic school but with much more leverage. Because, get this, the admin offered my assistant the lead teacher position last week- the same week they'd both ticked me off royally and then told me that I'd be moving to the upper school next year. While I wasn't thrilled, I was much less sanguine when I heard from my assistant that they'd rescinded the offer because there're no places in the upper school for me to go- a teacher who said she'd move isn't doing so. Great. Aside from the pettier stuff that upset me in the first place, now you're jerking people's positions around publicly. I say, just sit on that stuff until you have contracts up (or not). Argh.
Or, get this suggestion from my mother this morning, I could return to la isla this summer and take the few courses I needed in order to finish a certification or master's degree there. Plus, I mean, summer in portareeco! Sounds like a vacation I could definitely use. I miss my friends and the warmth of that place deeply.
I'll have to figure it out financially, but I should just about be able to swing it. I'm tutoring after school and on weekends now, with children much older than my daily preschool set. I get to work with older students, they get to learn and review what they need for school, and apparently what I charge is a bargain. Works for everyone. Excellent.
My classes had their field trip yesterday, mashaAllah! They had a great time. I think I want to go again- around 6 kids didn't go, and all of the adults agreed that we needed more time there. I took one child who is three handfuls, and while i was dealing with her, one of the others in my group wandered off- twice. The first time I nearly had a heart attack thinking of him and where he was and what I'd tell his mom- and as soon as i reported him missing to the booth, he turned up. Whew! They did have a great time, and that's what counts. I'm sorry I didn't get them to do it earlier.
When, inshaAllah, I run this half-marathon in May, I'll be very undertrained, so much so that I'm already making dua'a just to finish. I'll finish no matter how long it takes me. Things keep popping up, serious stuff that stresses me out and pushes me off-schedule. I really really really want to do this, though. So I may start undertrained and just pray through. I don't want to be in too much pain afterward, though,but I mean... when I was running and training in the full of summer before I had no issues. I just need to get up to a high number of miles in training again.
D called me the other day. He wanted to let me know about the invite he recieved to Rabbit and Bay's wedding. I think he was also fishing to know if I got one. I didn't. I don't know how I feel about that except that I'm still thinking about it, which can't be good. The phone call, and the non-invite. *sigh*. That call was the first time D called me since I left DC. He generally doesn't call me unless something's bothering him (ha- and I thought I wasn't a good listener) or something's going on with our old college crew, Rabbit and Bay included. I said a while ago that the biggest problem with D is that he isn't Muslim, and I mean that, so while I was happy to hear from him... I was almost ambivalent, too. Allahu Alim. I'ont need to be talkin to no mens anyhow. I'm still making dua'a on marriage.
Hee hee hee. Oh man. That reminds me. I went to a seminar/lecture/talk tonight about managing finances islamically. While it was good, it was more about generally how to manage finances, and less about where to actually put your money now that you know what's halal and what's haraam about investing and owning(NOT saving!) especially here in the western part of the world. InshaAllah they're going to have a whole series on this stuff, so my questions'll be answered then.
Yeah, so my crush was there tonight. TOTALLY wasn't expecting that one. I hope I wasn't rude, I tend to be very cool in public to keep my blushes under control. I should've known there was a huge chance he'd be there, his family's big in the particular masjid where the lecture was being held- he's related to the speaker, in fact. But I haven't thought about him in a while. Sooo glad I'm not pale, SubhanAllah, I'd've been tomato red, ya'll. I straight asked his sister if he's 'looking' and found out that he kind of is but not really, since he's thinking about going to the ME soon. Some of y'all may know him so I won't get into it, but. Hmm. Maybe that's my sign to be looking elsewhere.
Anyway. Got that off my chest. Happy March- inshaAllah I'll write again before the end of the month!
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, April 23, 2007
So now what?
peace,
Okay, no more day job! Whoo-hoo! I put in two weeks' notice dated for Friday. That means I have one more long, big trip- up to Salisbury, MD- and thirteen other days before I'm outta there and looking hardcore for another full time job.
While I feel exhilarated and at the same time peaceful about the decision, it's also scary to take the hit to my income and realize that I'll be out there floating without benefits. That's a doozy just now; I don't yet qualify (as I understand it) for the benefits under my grocery store job.
There's so much to say about the grocery store job. It boils down to this: I'm happy with the work and the people, and it's honest work, but at the same time I feel down deep somewhere that it's not where I'm supposed to be. Not that the work is beneath me, but that I SHOULD feel that it is. It's nagging me and the only thing keeping me from being completely happy with the place. My thing about working there is having to be there half an hour early, because from what I've seen over the past two weeks, I can get there on time- but any little delay with the Metro will trip me. I can't keep coming in late because of the train. So my resolution is to just get to work half an hour early, rather than be even 5 minutes late.
I've got a couple more 'so now what?' questions floating out there. I also wanted to finish/revisit my review of East Zone and your comments. Thanks to SM and Singlemuslimah, by the by, for your comments. I appreciate that you had to read an entire treatise in order to write them! There was a Project Downtown group yesterday, and I got to see Elle and Natiyyah (who I don't think I mentioned earlier, but she was at EZ). Reea wasn't there, which made me kinda sad- I'd wanted to see her again. I also saw Mahmoud, during which time I think I ticked him off by trying to give him my portion of the cash for that $350 ticket I mentioned.
The story is actually funny- we're all in the car, driving up 95 North, and by then I'm deeply absorbed in my Companions of the Prophet book, so much that I keep going, "huh!" and "Oh! Noo! Don't get them!" at various plot points in the story. I think I'd said something like "Oh, wow, that's awesome" while reading the story of the first Companion ever to lead the Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) in the salat. Mahmoud, who'd been going at least 100mph (and gettin' dusted- they don't play in the South) earlier in the drive, looked over to see who I was reading about, and then looked up and went, "astaghfirullah!" - he'd seen the cop turn around. At first I thought he'd missed us, but no. The car was pulled over and assessed at $350 ticket for being 28mph over the speed limit- had Mahmoud been going 2 mph faster the ticket would've been $500; had he been going 3 mph slower the ticket wouldve been $75. Got to be more careful.
Anyway my argument was that I really had distracted him from the road and thus was responsible for half the ticket. He wasn't having it. And I listened to the advice of my little sister who knows more on these things than I; I had to try to give him the cash and if he didn't take it, don't push it. So I tried and he was all, "Sister, you were reading a hadith. So you already get the reward for that. Don't give me this money now, let me get the reward for it in the akhira."
How was I going to argue that?
I like Mahmoud. Singlemuslimah (by the way, I'm waiting for updates, yo!) mentioned in comments that she thought that might have something to do with insecurity around men. So let me explain that I'm not insecure around men- in fact, my quite high comfort level around men is something I've struggled with since I took shahada, because all of my best friends have been (and if I'm truthful many continue to be) men. I'm close with very few women outside of the internet. I'm not sure why that is, but. I have a father, I have brothers, I have guy friends, all are cool. The ONLY exception is with men I'm interested in. So I don't know that it's insecurity so much as it's inexperience plus insecurity in that feeling.
Ech. Hard stuff to think about after a long day.
I didn't want to do this but I'm going to have to be girly for a second while I think about this.
I do know that with my crush from earlier this year, the attraction was more about the whole package, while with Mahmoud it's heavily mental... or cerebral. My crush (I don't know if I ever gave him a name, so let's call him Abdullah which is close) is tall, dark, big and handsome with a deep voice plus smart and funny. D, for comparison, is short (okay, not that short but shorter than me is short in my book), Asian with those stereotypical features, artistic and he's been around for a while (and he's not Muslim). And Mahmoud is short, kinda scrawny, hilariously dry with a wit that left my mouth hanging open several times. I can't figure out what it is that I find attractive. Just that I know it when it hits me. With Abdullah it's obvious (to anyone) and with D it has a lot to do with shared experience and loyalty. With Mahmoud maybe it's the shock factor- I don't think I've ever met a Muslim with a sense of humor like that. Whatever. I like him. I'm okay with that. After the old dude in PR, I began to understand the saying "Para los gustos, colores" (lit. for the tastes are the colors- there's no accounting for taste). That's not my issue.
My issue is getting over wanting something to HAPPEN because of it. That can't happen all the time- can you imagine? Shoot something only needs to happen one good time. My issue is really impatience. Because this is something unlike myself, that I cannot act upon or change. Ah, yes. That's it. The control freak in me goes nuts at being that vulnerable and not being able to either open myself further or close up against the feeling. I guess I feel like since I can control how I feel, if I take that control to stop liking him then at least I've DONE something.
So now what?
Now, nothing. As in, nothing! As in, my focus for the next two weeks at least is going to be keeping God first while finishing up these next couple weeks at the one job and improving at the other and looking for a third. That's enough to be on anyone's plate, much less mine.
Dua'a:
A lot of people say they'll make dua'a and don't; and a lot of people make dua'a without saying anything. When I was in undergrad I actually used to have a whiteboard where I wrote down all the people I'd make dua'a for, so I wouldn't forget. Nowadays, I keep the list in my head, but I wanted to ask you to make dua'a for baby Muhammad (son of The Imam's Daughter over on the left), and for Nzingha (Nzingha's Soapbox) and for Shabana (Koonj) for things that have happened or are ongoing for them all. Let me know if you know of someone I need to be remembering, too. And thank you for the dua'a you have made for me!
wa ma salaama
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, no more day job! Whoo-hoo! I put in two weeks' notice dated for Friday. That means I have one more long, big trip- up to Salisbury, MD- and thirteen other days before I'm outta there and looking hardcore for another full time job.
While I feel exhilarated and at the same time peaceful about the decision, it's also scary to take the hit to my income and realize that I'll be out there floating without benefits. That's a doozy just now; I don't yet qualify (as I understand it) for the benefits under my grocery store job.
There's so much to say about the grocery store job. It boils down to this: I'm happy with the work and the people, and it's honest work, but at the same time I feel down deep somewhere that it's not where I'm supposed to be. Not that the work is beneath me, but that I SHOULD feel that it is. It's nagging me and the only thing keeping me from being completely happy with the place. My thing about working there is having to be there half an hour early, because from what I've seen over the past two weeks, I can get there on time- but any little delay with the Metro will trip me. I can't keep coming in late because of the train. So my resolution is to just get to work half an hour early, rather than be even 5 minutes late.
I've got a couple more 'so now what?' questions floating out there. I also wanted to finish/revisit my review of East Zone and your comments. Thanks to SM and Singlemuslimah, by the by, for your comments. I appreciate that you had to read an entire treatise in order to write them! There was a Project Downtown group yesterday, and I got to see Elle and Natiyyah (who I don't think I mentioned earlier, but she was at EZ). Reea wasn't there, which made me kinda sad- I'd wanted to see her again. I also saw Mahmoud, during which time I think I ticked him off by trying to give him my portion of the cash for that $350 ticket I mentioned.
The story is actually funny- we're all in the car, driving up 95 North, and by then I'm deeply absorbed in my Companions of the Prophet book, so much that I keep going, "huh!" and "Oh! Noo! Don't get them!" at various plot points in the story. I think I'd said something like "Oh, wow, that's awesome" while reading the story of the first Companion ever to lead the Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) in the salat. Mahmoud, who'd been going at least 100mph (and gettin' dusted- they don't play in the South) earlier in the drive, looked over to see who I was reading about, and then looked up and went, "astaghfirullah!" - he'd seen the cop turn around. At first I thought he'd missed us, but no. The car was pulled over and assessed at $350 ticket for being 28mph over the speed limit- had Mahmoud been going 2 mph faster the ticket would've been $500; had he been going 3 mph slower the ticket wouldve been $75. Got to be more careful.
Anyway my argument was that I really had distracted him from the road and thus was responsible for half the ticket. He wasn't having it. And I listened to the advice of my little sister who knows more on these things than I; I had to try to give him the cash and if he didn't take it, don't push it. So I tried and he was all, "Sister, you were reading a hadith. So you already get the reward for that. Don't give me this money now, let me get the reward for it in the akhira."
How was I going to argue that?
I like Mahmoud. Singlemuslimah (by the way, I'm waiting for updates, yo!) mentioned in comments that she thought that might have something to do with insecurity around men. So let me explain that I'm not insecure around men- in fact, my quite high comfort level around men is something I've struggled with since I took shahada, because all of my best friends have been (and if I'm truthful many continue to be) men. I'm close with very few women outside of the internet. I'm not sure why that is, but. I have a father, I have brothers, I have guy friends, all are cool. The ONLY exception is with men I'm interested in. So I don't know that it's insecurity so much as it's inexperience plus insecurity in that feeling.
Ech. Hard stuff to think about after a long day.
I didn't want to do this but I'm going to have to be girly for a second while I think about this.
I do know that with my crush from earlier this year, the attraction was more about the whole package, while with Mahmoud it's heavily mental... or cerebral. My crush (I don't know if I ever gave him a name, so let's call him Abdullah which is close) is tall, dark, big and handsome with a deep voice plus smart and funny. D, for comparison, is short (okay, not that short but shorter than me is short in my book), Asian with those stereotypical features, artistic and he's been around for a while (and he's not Muslim). And Mahmoud is short, kinda scrawny, hilariously dry with a wit that left my mouth hanging open several times. I can't figure out what it is that I find attractive. Just that I know it when it hits me. With Abdullah it's obvious (to anyone) and with D it has a lot to do with shared experience and loyalty. With Mahmoud maybe it's the shock factor- I don't think I've ever met a Muslim with a sense of humor like that. Whatever. I like him. I'm okay with that. After the old dude in PR, I began to understand the saying "Para los gustos, colores" (lit. for the tastes are the colors- there's no accounting for taste). That's not my issue.
My issue is getting over wanting something to HAPPEN because of it. That can't happen all the time- can you imagine? Shoot something only needs to happen one good time. My issue is really impatience. Because this is something unlike myself, that I cannot act upon or change. Ah, yes. That's it. The control freak in me goes nuts at being that vulnerable and not being able to either open myself further or close up against the feeling. I guess I feel like since I can control how I feel, if I take that control to stop liking him then at least I've DONE something.
So now what?
Now, nothing. As in, nothing! As in, my focus for the next two weeks at least is going to be keeping God first while finishing up these next couple weeks at the one job and improving at the other and looking for a third. That's enough to be on anyone's plate, much less mine.
Dua'a:
A lot of people say they'll make dua'a and don't; and a lot of people make dua'a without saying anything. When I was in undergrad I actually used to have a whiteboard where I wrote down all the people I'd make dua'a for, so I wouldn't forget. Nowadays, I keep the list in my head, but I wanted to ask you to make dua'a for baby Muhammad (son of The Imam's Daughter over on the left), and for Nzingha (Nzingha's Soapbox) and for Shabana (Koonj) for things that have happened or are ongoing for them all. Let me know if you know of someone I need to be remembering, too. And thank you for the dua'a you have made for me!
wa ma salaama
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, April 12, 2007
telephone call
peace,
I don't think this is going to be a very coherent post, but I think it's going to be a very long one. If you know me, you may want to avert your eyes. My natural frankness has been suppressed and I"m letting go.
I wish I had a telephone and a friend to call. I mean, I have both of those things but neither fits the bill, y'know? I guess that's why I blog. I'm not feeling very secure right now, but I am feeling tired and lonely and um. not privileged. Things I need to talk out. I've got so many blog entries stored up in my head it's ridiculous. SO I'm at my job after hours (which I was fussed at severely for doing last week) and instead of doing my taxes (which I've been trying to do since I had all the papers together in FEBRUARY, mind) I'm getting all those entries out in bits and pieces.
I went to the MSA East Zone conference this past weekend. I enjoyed it. Meeting so many young Muslims was very cool, inspiring, etc. So why am I frustrated now? I'm not sure.
We drove down to Florida, mashaAllah while it was snowing up here, I was soaking up some warm sunshine. My executive director essentially told me that I HAD to take a break. I really was stressed out, to the point where I got sick with the phlegmy-congestiony-hoopalahpa on Wednesday, before we left on Thursday.
Ooh, on Wednesday, we had the greatest meeting up at this One Local University (OLU) with a name similar to AlmaMater's. We met with higher-ups in their department of education, to discuss developing our test. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I'm mad excited to see my hard work paying off.
I wish that were the only thing I had to focus on. I'm not happy with my job and REALLY not happy that I had to cancel the interview I'd scheduled for today at another place. Now someone'll come along and tell me to just bear it, that the few fun/fulfilling moments are those I"m lucky to have. I'm not supposed to like my job. Am I crazy for wanting to be happy with my work, even as I work to improve? I think I'm in the wrong field... but definitely in the wrong office.
I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take the loans and go to nursing school or something. I've got to get going on what I KNOW will be what I want. I need a change. I'm restless. I'm not quite depressed but not happy and not normal. Just kinda bleh. I'm not meeting my goals, I feel like I'm marking time.
Back to East Zone. Last time I went to EZ was four years ago, and it seriously inspired me in my pursuit of Islam. SO I was disappointed that I didn't get as much out of it this year. I'm sure that had to do with the fact that I"m four years older and the entire time I was there I was hanging with a crowd of peeps a bit younger than I. While it was fun socially, I feel like it didn't do much for my deen.
It helped me realize something, though: I have got to get married.
Y'all have heard this before. I know. Hell, this thought goes through my head every day. Know how people say folk can think about sex up to every seven minutes or seven seconds or something like that? Well, yeah, that and making my life with another person to learn with and pray with and fight with and live with and love with there by my side. Only the most important drives are enough to take up your consciousness every seven minutes, right? I grew up with the New Testament refrain resounding in my head, "better to marry than to burn" and I'm getting to the point where I feel like burning is an inevitable and immediate part of my future and I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY.
This is a sore point.
One night as we sat on our slippery satin hotel covers, feet swinging between the beds, I was talking to Leila, a roomie at the conference. And we'd had a couple of sessions that day about marriage in Islam and 'assisted marriage' as opposed to arranged marriages (um, the upshot of the "You had me at salaam" session? one, you tell your parents what you want, the other they tell you what you want, but in the end they do the majority of the picking, and NO Dating Allowed as is halal of course. Big waste of time for me, but whatever) as well as "communication between the sexes" (that one was really meant for married couples though they didn't say so until we were all in the room and seated, but I gleaned some helpful things out of it) and I asked Leila, (wow, this paragraph is really train of thought, huh?) "how do you think you'll get married? Traditional, or American (those were the catchphrases we were using)?
She and the other girls had been interested in my question- they wanted to know, what did I want to ask them so badly? See, during the session with Imam Magid (yeah, we went all the way to Florida to hear sessions by Imam Magid, which ended up good in that I got to bend his ear about something that has been bothering me about ADAMS, but why did I have to go to Orlando to do all that?) and Dr. Yasmine, I sat in the front (but I always sit in the front, that's nothing new) and then when the Q/A session came, had my hand allll in the air, waving it around, etc. Finally, when the guys started bringing up questions that they'd written on note cards, I busted out my green pen and wrote my own question. Now, the moderator (and also the daughter in law of Dr. Yasmine the speaker if that mattered) had given me the 'nod' as if to say, "you're next", but then ignored me, and when I took my question to her, they both ignored it as well. The girls sat several rows behind me, so they saw me get up, they saw the other girls get up and take their questions and have them answered, so all these hours later (it must've been 2AM by the time Leila and I got to this question) they wanted to know.
I asked :
I don't give up easy, in fact I'm pretty well known for the way I Keep. Asking. Questions. until I get an answer on the things that matter to me. So I went up to Dr. Yasmine after the session and asked again. Of course, she pointed out the "Adopt an Auntie" suggestion that she'd made early in her speech. My problem is that I've done that, and it hasn't worked. I either ended up with nothing to show for it b/c the 'aunties' were either lazy or very very picky on my behalf , or I got hooked up with the dishonest men who were out for mut'a marriage(ASTAGHFIRULLAH) or second/third wives. Or the former jailbirds.
Man I was so discouraged. I thanked the sister because she did give me her card, and I'm writing her, but...
I'll get back to that in a second.
That night I really envied Leila the ability to respond as she did, in part: " I don't think there's anything wrong with going from my father's house to my husband's house. My dad... Islam is his life," she said, saying that he reinforced with her that it was always her choice, because that's mandated by the Qur'an. Her answer was that she might very well go the traditional route, but that her father (her mother died, may she have peace) told her that if she finds a man who's nice, and they get to know each other in a halal way, then he'll accept that too. Basically she said that she'll be married young, and that while one side of her family wants to push her to do the independent woman, own apartment, make money etc. thing, she's not into it, her dad agrees that she shouldn't have to, and she's lucky to be able to choose that and feel tis a legitimate and acceptable choice.
I... how to explain how I felt? I didn't quite envy her, because I was happy that her situation allowed her to do that even as mine pretty much completely excludes that. But felt a kinship in the certainty that she had that getting married young was going to be her choice and the right choice for her and she was fine with that even if it was against the mainstream. I think she's really lucky to have her father be allll about supporting her in an Islamically correct choice.
I'd told her that the reason I'd asked that question is because my parents are the opposite; my father still mentions the days of when I told him I wanted to graduate college and get married right off with disgust. You know how people kind of save things up to throw at you later during an argument? That's how I know how he views it. And I mean, yeah, for him, secular/Christian him, why go to college if you're going to get married right away? Why waste your brain in your youth by having kids right off? You can have sex anyway, people shack up and no one seems to stop them, so the idea of getting married so early is one that gives disgust. I don't agree but I know how he thinks.
My mother also pulled away from the idea of helping me search for different reasons- I think it's against everything she knows. The idea is foreign and uncomfortable. And yeah, some of it has to do with my issues; when I told her I don't date (still don't, heh, every attempt went disastrously, remind me to tell you about that sometime- let's just say that I dont' like it for now) she asked, "But, Twenny, if you don't date, how will you find someone? How will you know how that person is?"
Typical American argument. I guess I find it illegitimate because I feel if people who know both parties well do the search, and both parties are allowed to know each other well enough to truly consent to the marriage, then, you can get married without sharing a lot of the, what, fitna? that comes with girl/boyfriendhood here in the US dating culture. But later in that conversation she also let me know that I need to open up a little. I am very guarded with men, and with my feelings in general. For some people spending too much, or appearing with a hair out of place in public is their big deal, the thing they guard against- for me, well, I don't like having my trust or my emotions betrayed (yes, no one does, but for me it's that thing, and I'll get over looking crazy in a random picture before I forget exactly the circumstance under which I was hurt. I'm working on it, but at the same time it's been that way as long as i can recall.) Ain't that many people who know me, the real me, and not the images I project. I'm changing that, but what she said was that it was keeping me from getting dates, which is part of the point of my facades.
So, since I've been 19, I've not lived in the same city of my parents, where I grew up, for more than 2 weeks at a time. I only say 19, because I did spend the summer after freshman year there. Which is why I haven't done it again. The problem is probably me, not my parents or the city (it's kind of ridiculous to say a whole city is an issue with you, right?), but at the same time, since that first summer, the acquaintances I did have largely left the area, and I've always reached my limit at about 2 weeks.
SO my question really went... not unanswered but unfulfilled and I'm still asking. All the women (heck, and the men but they have much less of an issue from what I've heard, correct me if I'm wrong, please)
Leila and Reea and I also discussed the lack of an 'Alim (spelling, y'all?) at the MSA EZ conference. This was a picking point for both of them. So I had to ask what an alim is and then I let them explain why this was such a big deal. See, the point of one of the conference sessions went something like, "Americans, and Muslims: making your mark on Islam" or similar, and the speaker there was AMAZING. He was talking bout the infrastructure of the USA and how we as muslims can't do everything our community needs if we only educate ourselves to be doctors and lawyers, because those professions among others feed into some non-islamic conditions already tearing down our people here. His great example was about the doctor who wanted to provide free care. If Islam requires us to give charity and that can and should be time as well as money, then, wow, he was doing a great thing,r ight? He was fired, because American systems are set up to be all about money. Not that that's wrong, but it's not an islamic system, and to build up islamic ideals in this country, we've got to be able to branch out to provide all types of expertise and alternatives that we need. While that was interesting, the point Reea and Leila made was that this brother came with the hardcore evidence from the Qur'an and hadiths. Yes, multiple. The girls said (and I reflected and agreed) that he was really the ONLY speaker on a semi-secular issue who kept what he said Qur'an based and Islam focused, instead of stating an ayah at the beginning or end and tying their professional expertise to it instead of explaining the expertise from the Islamic bases (if they existed). Leila went so far as to say that they should've brought an alim over, which brought my original objection that this is an american conference, don't we have alims (alimeen? alimat?) here? She said yea, there're schools for that, but the point is that the deen-intensive learning wasn't there.
And we all agreed that there needs to be another version of EZ- but this one needs to be deen-intensive. No competition for the Qiyam ulLayl or the doing dhikr outside with Imam Zaid Shakir (I'm Still Mad I missed that one, since I'd've preferred to be there instead of where I was but it was rather hush hush).
There were also some pretty funny things going down. I got called "Mom" by like half the peeps from DC region. Not sure why- I think b/c of my OC tendency to be super prepared, so I had like this huge bag full of food in the car... but also how I had a blanket when we stopped to pray along the way and the gazebo had bird poop all over the floor...and how I'm big enough for Elle to jump all over me and hug me and shriek, "Moooom!" without completely falling over and how it wasn't a thang for me to go up to this guy one of the girls wanted to talk to and be like, "Ey, son, you tryna get married?" (No, I wasn't that ghetto, but yes I did that. He blushed his way through that one, gave me his fb name, so that I could find out there that he's with some girl named M___e- dude, I was straightforward with you, guess you're shy?) Hi-LARIOUS. I also got the same girl to get the info of a guy (Okay, his name was like Munawar? Minabar? I'm terrible!) who caught my eye, but I don't know if he knew it was for me. She was vague about this. Hmm.
Not everything was so focused. I met an amazing woman who is cubana, a convert married to a born muslim, and was there with her three (hiskool/college aged) kids, all of whom were awesome, mashAllah. She's been Muslim for 30 years and married for 22, and she knew EXACTLY what I'm going through. It was such a relief to meet someone like that. You have no idea. I adopted her on the spot, but she lives in Southern FL, boooo. Email shall have to suffice. I can't tell you how awesome it was to meet her though. I don't want to give away too much info , this blog is public, but it was definitely ironic the way I met her. We ended up chit chatting in Spanish- at least until my "child" Elle interrupted. I did some shopping and now officially own enough hijabs to make it through the summer without the pashmina that kept me through the cold winter. Yay! I also bought these books, Companions of the Prophet, that are an amazingly good read. I got pretty absorbed into them on the way back and it's my subway companion now.
The trip up and back was long but rewarding, at least on the way back. On the way down I totally slept most of the way, since I had that hoopalahpa thing going and was drugged up. I figured out about halfway through the first day of the conference that the drugs were hurting more than they helped. So we did the leg down with me (yeah, 6'2" me), Elle, and Leila in the backseat, and Mahmood and Neal in the front driving. Eh. Halfway through I was shrieking and demanding to be let out to stretch my joints- my knees were on fire- but other than that, it was your standard long road trip. I"m almost immune after years of 13-hour trips between Ohio and Alabama as a kid.
On the way back, Talib and the other drivers had done some switching around to allow for those who wanted to get back to DC Metro area earlier and those who wanted to go to Universal Studios. The in-betweens fell in my car: me, Mahmood, and Reea. I started in the backseat, but was so uncomfortable that both Mahmood and Reea suggested that I moved to the front. Mahmood hadn't talked much on the trip down, and I'd arranged my trip in 'his' car by email through a friend of a friend, so I didn't really know him and thought he was a kinda strict but good-hearted person, who cracked crazy jokes in emails, one who didn't socialize with women but was nice enough to give us a ride since we all needed one. Y'know, fisabilillah.
Naturally though I wanted to ride in the front and not be in agony allll the way back to DC, I didn't want to make the driver of the car uncomfortable, so I was cool with staying in the backseat and making him stop ever so often so I could stretch. So I was suprised when he goes, "Well, most girls are more comfortable riding in the back seat..." when Reea said that basically he'd become our driver since Neal went to Disney. HA! I'm not nor have I ever been most girls. I jumped in the front.
I almost wish I hadn't, though. Fifteen hours, eight lecture tapes, a bucket of chicken ,one $350 speeding ticket and countless exchanged words later, I've got a crush on Mahmood. SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Reea was in the car. So so glad.
That hadith about shaitan being the third when a man and woman are alone? Dude, I used to dismiss it, then I believed but academically, but, y'all, Sis. TwennyTwo has seen the light. Especially since this is no one I had even thought about thinking about until we were almost at the end of the trip. Beyond not my type (actually, he's short, dresses like whatever, otherwise he's smart and up on news, knows a lot about Islam, a great qari, even Reea said we share a sense of humor... hey wait! I'm supposed to be convincing myself NOT to like this guy! Gotta stick with the program!) And prolly (inshaAllah) I won't be thinking him about once the memories of the trip fades. And especially since I had the most embarassing and foul... um... breaking of wind... right as I was getting out of the car. HORRIBLE. Horrible. QUE VERGUENZA! After I'd called a male friend for directions from my house to Reea's university in the district at 3AM- (my friend D for those who follow the blog at all) and he answered my call. I imagined that didn't look too good either. Mahmood was all, " Thanks, D, now TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!" in a funny way, of course. And Reea thought I was saying "dad", not "D", but they were both profusely thankful even as I know they were wondering, "What kind of friend answers phone calls at 3AM?"
So ha. No liking of Mahmood.
geesh.
Some of y'all remember the crush of a couple weeks ago. I found out that he was just playing. I still talk to him, but much less than before. Someone said something during one of the conferences- something like,
See? Witness the above. I have my issues- I realize I like someone and then either wait for him to say something or try to convince myself that what I think /feel isn't real, or that I need him to validate it from his side of things. I tell myself that it's not there and it's not that deep if it is.
At the same time, I know what I want- I want to be married. I think I'm sabotaging myself. At least I'm having some fun while doing it, but yo, I'd rather not do it!
Wow, I've been writing for two and a half hours, this is going to be one heckuva post. I didn't even get to tell y'all how I met Baba 'Ali (nope, Ididn't take a picture, but there's now a challenge to me in there) or about how close I am to quitting my day job... yeah, I'm still singing that song. But it'll have to wait, my Lord and 'Isha prayer and then my house call me. Insha'Allah, soon.
peace
TwennyTwo
I don't think this is going to be a very coherent post, but I think it's going to be a very long one. If you know me, you may want to avert your eyes. My natural frankness has been suppressed and I"m letting go.
I wish I had a telephone and a friend to call. I mean, I have both of those things but neither fits the bill, y'know? I guess that's why I blog. I'm not feeling very secure right now, but I am feeling tired and lonely and um. not privileged. Things I need to talk out. I've got so many blog entries stored up in my head it's ridiculous. SO I'm at my job after hours (which I was fussed at severely for doing last week) and instead of doing my taxes (which I've been trying to do since I had all the papers together in FEBRUARY, mind) I'm getting all those entries out in bits and pieces.
I went to the MSA East Zone conference this past weekend. I enjoyed it. Meeting so many young Muslims was very cool, inspiring, etc. So why am I frustrated now? I'm not sure.
We drove down to Florida, mashaAllah while it was snowing up here, I was soaking up some warm sunshine. My executive director essentially told me that I HAD to take a break. I really was stressed out, to the point where I got sick with the phlegmy-congestiony-hoopalahpa on Wednesday, before we left on Thursday.
Ooh, on Wednesday, we had the greatest meeting up at this One Local University (OLU) with a name similar to AlmaMater's. We met with higher-ups in their department of education, to discuss developing our test. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I'm mad excited to see my hard work paying off.
I wish that were the only thing I had to focus on. I'm not happy with my job and REALLY not happy that I had to cancel the interview I'd scheduled for today at another place. Now someone'll come along and tell me to just bear it, that the few fun/fulfilling moments are those I"m lucky to have. I'm not supposed to like my job. Am I crazy for wanting to be happy with my work, even as I work to improve? I think I'm in the wrong field... but definitely in the wrong office.
I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take the loans and go to nursing school or something. I've got to get going on what I KNOW will be what I want. I need a change. I'm restless. I'm not quite depressed but not happy and not normal. Just kinda bleh. I'm not meeting my goals, I feel like I'm marking time.
Back to East Zone. Last time I went to EZ was four years ago, and it seriously inspired me in my pursuit of Islam. SO I was disappointed that I didn't get as much out of it this year. I'm sure that had to do with the fact that I"m four years older and the entire time I was there I was hanging with a crowd of peeps a bit younger than I. While it was fun socially, I feel like it didn't do much for my deen.
It helped me realize something, though: I have got to get married.
Y'all have heard this before. I know. Hell, this thought goes through my head every day. Know how people say folk can think about sex up to every seven minutes or seven seconds or something like that? Well, yeah, that and making my life with another person to learn with and pray with and fight with and live with and love with there by my side. Only the most important drives are enough to take up your consciousness every seven minutes, right? I grew up with the New Testament refrain resounding in my head, "better to marry than to burn" and I'm getting to the point where I feel like burning is an inevitable and immediate part of my future and I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY.
This is a sore point.
One night as we sat on our slippery satin hotel covers, feet swinging between the beds, I was talking to Leila, a roomie at the conference. And we'd had a couple of sessions that day about marriage in Islam and 'assisted marriage' as opposed to arranged marriages (um, the upshot of the "You had me at salaam" session? one, you tell your parents what you want, the other they tell you what you want, but in the end they do the majority of the picking, and NO Dating Allowed as is halal of course. Big waste of time for me, but whatever) as well as "communication between the sexes" (that one was really meant for married couples though they didn't say so until we were all in the room and seated, but I gleaned some helpful things out of it) and I asked Leila, (wow, this paragraph is really train of thought, huh?) "how do you think you'll get married? Traditional, or American (those were the catchphrases we were using)?
She and the other girls had been interested in my question- they wanted to know, what did I want to ask them so badly? See, during the session with Imam Magid (yeah, we went all the way to Florida to hear sessions by Imam Magid, which ended up good in that I got to bend his ear about something that has been bothering me about ADAMS, but why did I have to go to Orlando to do all that?) and Dr. Yasmine, I sat in the front (but I always sit in the front, that's nothing new) and then when the Q/A session came, had my hand allll in the air, waving it around, etc. Finally, when the guys started bringing up questions that they'd written on note cards, I busted out my green pen and wrote my own question. Now, the moderator (and also the daughter in law of Dr. Yasmine the speaker if that mattered) had given me the 'nod' as if to say, "you're next", but then ignored me, and when I took my question to her, they both ignored it as well. The girls sat several rows behind me, so they saw me get up, they saw the other girls get up and take their questions and have them answered, so all these hours later (it must've been 2AM by the time Leila and I got to this question) they wanted to know.
I asked :
"How would you advise young people who really want to get married but have to go through the process "family-free"? I'm a convert, but I'm also thinking of kids who have very little interested family or people who are more practising than their parents."Do y'all know that question was completely ignored in the general session?
I don't give up easy, in fact I'm pretty well known for the way I Keep. Asking. Questions. until I get an answer on the things that matter to me. So I went up to Dr. Yasmine after the session and asked again. Of course, she pointed out the "Adopt an Auntie" suggestion that she'd made early in her speech. My problem is that I've done that, and it hasn't worked. I either ended up with nothing to show for it b/c the 'aunties' were either lazy or very very picky on my behalf , or I got hooked up with the dishonest men who were out for mut'a marriage(ASTAGHFIRULLAH) or second/third wives. Or the former jailbirds.
Man I was so discouraged. I thanked the sister because she did give me her card, and I'm writing her, but...
I'll get back to that in a second.
That night I really envied Leila the ability to respond as she did, in part: " I don't think there's anything wrong with going from my father's house to my husband's house. My dad... Islam is his life," she said, saying that he reinforced with her that it was always her choice, because that's mandated by the Qur'an. Her answer was that she might very well go the traditional route, but that her father (her mother died, may she have peace) told her that if she finds a man who's nice, and they get to know each other in a halal way, then he'll accept that too. Basically she said that she'll be married young, and that while one side of her family wants to push her to do the independent woman, own apartment, make money etc. thing, she's not into it, her dad agrees that she shouldn't have to, and she's lucky to be able to choose that and feel tis a legitimate and acceptable choice.
I... how to explain how I felt? I didn't quite envy her, because I was happy that her situation allowed her to do that even as mine pretty much completely excludes that. But felt a kinship in the certainty that she had that getting married young was going to be her choice and the right choice for her and she was fine with that even if it was against the mainstream. I think she's really lucky to have her father be allll about supporting her in an Islamically correct choice.
I'd told her that the reason I'd asked that question is because my parents are the opposite; my father still mentions the days of when I told him I wanted to graduate college and get married right off with disgust. You know how people kind of save things up to throw at you later during an argument? That's how I know how he views it. And I mean, yeah, for him, secular/Christian him, why go to college if you're going to get married right away? Why waste your brain in your youth by having kids right off? You can have sex anyway, people shack up and no one seems to stop them, so the idea of getting married so early is one that gives disgust. I don't agree but I know how he thinks.
My mother also pulled away from the idea of helping me search for different reasons- I think it's against everything she knows. The idea is foreign and uncomfortable. And yeah, some of it has to do with my issues; when I told her I don't date (still don't, heh, every attempt went disastrously, remind me to tell you about that sometime- let's just say that I dont' like it for now) she asked, "But, Twenny, if you don't date, how will you find someone? How will you know how that person is?"
Typical American argument. I guess I find it illegitimate because I feel if people who know both parties well do the search, and both parties are allowed to know each other well enough to truly consent to the marriage, then, you can get married without sharing a lot of the, what, fitna? that comes with girl/boyfriendhood here in the US dating culture. But later in that conversation she also let me know that I need to open up a little. I am very guarded with men, and with my feelings in general. For some people spending too much, or appearing with a hair out of place in public is their big deal, the thing they guard against- for me, well, I don't like having my trust or my emotions betrayed (yes, no one does, but for me it's that thing, and I'll get over looking crazy in a random picture before I forget exactly the circumstance under which I was hurt. I'm working on it, but at the same time it's been that way as long as i can recall.) Ain't that many people who know me, the real me, and not the images I project. I'm changing that, but what she said was that it was keeping me from getting dates, which is part of the point of my facades.
So, since I've been 19, I've not lived in the same city of my parents, where I grew up, for more than 2 weeks at a time. I only say 19, because I did spend the summer after freshman year there. Which is why I haven't done it again. The problem is probably me, not my parents or the city (it's kind of ridiculous to say a whole city is an issue with you, right?), but at the same time, since that first summer, the acquaintances I did have largely left the area, and I've always reached my limit at about 2 weeks.
SO my question really went... not unanswered but unfulfilled and I'm still asking. All the women (heck, and the men but they have much less of an issue from what I've heard, correct me if I'm wrong, please)
Leila and Reea and I also discussed the lack of an 'Alim (spelling, y'all?) at the MSA EZ conference. This was a picking point for both of them. So I had to ask what an alim is and then I let them explain why this was such a big deal. See, the point of one of the conference sessions went something like, "Americans, and Muslims: making your mark on Islam" or similar, and the speaker there was AMAZING. He was talking bout the infrastructure of the USA and how we as muslims can't do everything our community needs if we only educate ourselves to be doctors and lawyers, because those professions among others feed into some non-islamic conditions already tearing down our people here. His great example was about the doctor who wanted to provide free care. If Islam requires us to give charity and that can and should be time as well as money, then, wow, he was doing a great thing,r ight? He was fired, because American systems are set up to be all about money. Not that that's wrong, but it's not an islamic system, and to build up islamic ideals in this country, we've got to be able to branch out to provide all types of expertise and alternatives that we need. While that was interesting, the point Reea and Leila made was that this brother came with the hardcore evidence from the Qur'an and hadiths. Yes, multiple. The girls said (and I reflected and agreed) that he was really the ONLY speaker on a semi-secular issue who kept what he said Qur'an based and Islam focused, instead of stating an ayah at the beginning or end and tying their professional expertise to it instead of explaining the expertise from the Islamic bases (if they existed). Leila went so far as to say that they should've brought an alim over, which brought my original objection that this is an american conference, don't we have alims (alimeen? alimat?) here? She said yea, there're schools for that, but the point is that the deen-intensive learning wasn't there.
And we all agreed that there needs to be another version of EZ- but this one needs to be deen-intensive. No competition for the Qiyam ulLayl or the doing dhikr outside with Imam Zaid Shakir (I'm Still Mad I missed that one, since I'd've preferred to be there instead of where I was but it was rather hush hush).
There were also some pretty funny things going down. I got called "Mom" by like half the peeps from DC region. Not sure why- I think b/c of my OC tendency to be super prepared, so I had like this huge bag full of food in the car... but also how I had a blanket when we stopped to pray along the way and the gazebo had bird poop all over the floor...and how I'm big enough for Elle to jump all over me and hug me and shriek, "Moooom!" without completely falling over and how it wasn't a thang for me to go up to this guy one of the girls wanted to talk to and be like, "Ey, son, you tryna get married?" (No, I wasn't that ghetto, but yes I did that. He blushed his way through that one, gave me his fb name, so that I could find out there that he's with some girl named M___e- dude, I was straightforward with you, guess you're shy?) Hi-LARIOUS. I also got the same girl to get the info of a guy (Okay, his name was like Munawar? Minabar? I'm terrible!) who caught my eye, but I don't know if he knew it was for me. She was vague about this. Hmm.
Not everything was so focused. I met an amazing woman who is cubana, a convert married to a born muslim, and was there with her three (hiskool/college aged) kids, all of whom were awesome, mashAllah. She's been Muslim for 30 years and married for 22, and she knew EXACTLY what I'm going through. It was such a relief to meet someone like that. You have no idea. I adopted her on the spot, but she lives in Southern FL, boooo. Email shall have to suffice. I can't tell you how awesome it was to meet her though. I don't want to give away too much info , this blog is public, but it was definitely ironic the way I met her. We ended up chit chatting in Spanish- at least until my "child" Elle interrupted. I did some shopping and now officially own enough hijabs to make it through the summer without the pashmina that kept me through the cold winter. Yay! I also bought these books, Companions of the Prophet, that are an amazingly good read. I got pretty absorbed into them on the way back and it's my subway companion now.
The trip up and back was long but rewarding, at least on the way back. On the way down I totally slept most of the way, since I had that hoopalahpa thing going and was drugged up. I figured out about halfway through the first day of the conference that the drugs were hurting more than they helped. So we did the leg down with me (yeah, 6'2" me), Elle, and Leila in the backseat, and Mahmood and Neal in the front driving. Eh. Halfway through I was shrieking and demanding to be let out to stretch my joints- my knees were on fire- but other than that, it was your standard long road trip. I"m almost immune after years of 13-hour trips between Ohio and Alabama as a kid.
On the way back, Talib and the other drivers had done some switching around to allow for those who wanted to get back to DC Metro area earlier and those who wanted to go to Universal Studios. The in-betweens fell in my car: me, Mahmood, and Reea. I started in the backseat, but was so uncomfortable that both Mahmood and Reea suggested that I moved to the front. Mahmood hadn't talked much on the trip down, and I'd arranged my trip in 'his' car by email through a friend of a friend, so I didn't really know him and thought he was a kinda strict but good-hearted person, who cracked crazy jokes in emails, one who didn't socialize with women but was nice enough to give us a ride since we all needed one. Y'know, fisabilillah.
Naturally though I wanted to ride in the front and not be in agony allll the way back to DC, I didn't want to make the driver of the car uncomfortable, so I was cool with staying in the backseat and making him stop ever so often so I could stretch. So I was suprised when he goes, "Well, most girls are more comfortable riding in the back seat..." when Reea said that basically he'd become our driver since Neal went to Disney. HA! I'm not nor have I ever been most girls. I jumped in the front.
I almost wish I hadn't, though. Fifteen hours, eight lecture tapes, a bucket of chicken ,one $350 speeding ticket and countless exchanged words later, I've got a crush on Mahmood. SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Reea was in the car. So so glad.
That hadith about shaitan being the third when a man and woman are alone? Dude, I used to dismiss it, then I believed but academically, but, y'all, Sis. TwennyTwo has seen the light. Especially since this is no one I had even thought about thinking about until we were almost at the end of the trip. Beyond not my type (actually, he's short, dresses like whatever, otherwise he's smart and up on news, knows a lot about Islam, a great qari, even Reea said we share a sense of humor... hey wait! I'm supposed to be convincing myself NOT to like this guy! Gotta stick with the program!) And prolly (inshaAllah) I won't be thinking him about once the memories of the trip fades. And especially since I had the most embarassing and foul... um... breaking of wind... right as I was getting out of the car. HORRIBLE. Horrible. QUE VERGUENZA! After I'd called a male friend for directions from my house to Reea's university in the district at 3AM- (my friend D for those who follow the blog at all) and he answered my call. I imagined that didn't look too good either. Mahmood was all, " Thanks, D, now TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!" in a funny way, of course. And Reea thought I was saying "dad", not "D", but they were both profusely thankful even as I know they were wondering, "What kind of friend answers phone calls at 3AM?"
So ha. No liking of Mahmood.
geesh.
Some of y'all remember the crush of a couple weeks ago. I found out that he was just playing. I still talk to him, but much less than before. Someone said something during one of the conferences- something like,
See? Witness the above. I have my issues- I realize I like someone and then either wait for him to say something or try to convince myself that what I think /feel isn't real, or that I need him to validate it from his side of things. I tell myself that it's not there and it's not that deep if it is.
At the same time, I know what I want- I want to be married. I think I'm sabotaging myself. At least I'm having some fun while doing it, but yo, I'd rather not do it!
Wow, I've been writing for two and a half hours, this is going to be one heckuva post. I didn't even get to tell y'all how I met Baba 'Ali (nope, Ididn't take a picture, but there's now a challenge to me in there) or about how close I am to quitting my day job... yeah, I'm still singing that song. But it'll have to wait, my Lord and 'Isha prayer and then my house call me. Insha'Allah, soon.
peace
TwennyTwo
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Blushes
peace,
Funny. The man is in my office and I'm glad I'm a nice chocolate-y color, because I'M BLUSHING. Word. My sister could probably tell but the general public can't. Cheeks all heated. My goodness.
He sure asks a lot of questions.
And he actually speaks Punjabi better than Urdu or Spanish, for those who are interested. MashaAllah.
tee hee hee!
peace
TwennyTwo
Funny. The man is in my office and I'm glad I'm a nice chocolate-y color, because I'M BLUSHING. Word. My sister could probably tell but the general public can't. Cheeks all heated. My goodness.
He sure asks a lot of questions.
And he actually speaks Punjabi better than Urdu or Spanish, for those who are interested. MashaAllah.
tee hee hee!
peace
TwennyTwo
Friday, February 16, 2007
Okay, so, like...
peace,
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a negative post.
No, my friends, this is a very positive post.
A pink, girly, giggly post.
See... I was at an MSA Eid ulAdha event (don't start, it was excellent and the only chance I have to socialize with young Muslims), doing me, and I met these new people.
Mind you everyone there but the girl who invited me is younger than I am. And I'm NOT there for men, but for being around other young muslims. So I said my obligatory astaghfirullah, right?
We all ended up at dinner after cleaning up the event mess. The beautiful reciter was there with a couple of his friends. I listened to his conversation and he was very interesting. Now I wish I had blogged it because that night was inspiring and made me realize that MSA was really good while I was in school. I miss having plain conversation with people, without it being all sexualized, just exchanging ideas, without being at work. As I remarked to my girlfriend, "Man, that was awesome. Was I that bright at 19?"
Anyway, one of the friends of the beautiful reciters had caught my eye, but again, I was feeling old and said my astaghfirUllah. Lowering the gaze and nur on faces being what they are, I was straight. I felt good about the night. I ate (twice, but 5 hrs apart so I don't feel bad), talked, and was merry with mah peoples. I felt like I'd regained a bit of the feeling, temporarily, of what I lost when I left Christianity and unknowingly my UMYF youth group culture.
And then at the end of the night, we're all leaving, and I said something about how flippin cold ("Que FRIO, CARAaaaaa!) it was in Spanish. This curly haired deep voiced guy from the group turned around.
Now, meandirectorlady had just told me that she was looking for Spanish speakers to train (long story short, we train interpreters) from the area of MD where this particular gentleman was from. We talked so long outside the restaurant that our respective groups of friends start wandering off. I guess a conversation in a language you don't know between the tallest people in the crowd can be boring from the outside.
So I go, "hey, you want to work for me?!" that being my line of the night. I'd passed out all of my business cards to different sisters and brothers who speak languages we really need. "Yeah, un momentico...," he said, "I'm excited, you're excited, let me call you and make sure that this is something I can do."
Aiight, I thought, whatever.
He ends up calling after calling my cell and getting my voicemail, asking a bro who had got my card for the number there, calling my job, and sending me an email there.
Then began (ahem innocent) the facebook flirtation. Which, by the way, is still up between our walls for those of you who are on my facebook and care to look. Plus he stuttered (and said, can y'all believe this, 'Wow, I'm tonguetied right now, I don't know why') and stammered his way through conducting the official bizness necessary to get him into our training when I talked to him. And I'm all, I need to chill. Astaghfirullah. All that. Y'know?
And now I'm all crushalicious. But in my professional capacity, I still have to work with him, and don't need to be flirting with him. And in my dang-I'm-25 role, I don't need to be flirting with him . And in my muslima fashion, I'm tryna front like I don't like him. And in my single role, I want to know how he treats his mom and can't believe how many people incidenally are like 'that bro is on his stuff' plus? He's a sweetie.
Please excuse my airheadedness for a second:
Had to get that out before I exploded. But that's been the bright part of a coupla horrid weeks, thank you for not puking from the valley-ness of this post.
peace
me
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a negative post.
No, my friends, this is a very positive post.
A pink, girly, giggly post.
See... I was at an MSA Eid ulAdha event (don't start, it was excellent and the only chance I have to socialize with young Muslims), doing me, and I met these new people.
(Okay so picture the obligatorily tall broad brown dark guy, one of a group of similarly young brown guys, spouting 'alhamdulIllahs' after prayer here, and my head sticking out of the crowd of sparkly, squealing girls throwing out 'mashaAllahs'.)
There was one who caught my eye when he was reciting Qur'an before the event, mashaAllah. And there was one who was truly the most beautiful reciter I have ever heard in person mashaAllah.
Mind you everyone there but the girl who invited me is younger than I am. And I'm NOT there for men, but for being around other young muslims. So I said my obligatory astaghfirullah, right?
We all ended up at dinner after cleaning up the event mess. The beautiful reciter was there with a couple of his friends. I listened to his conversation and he was very interesting. Now I wish I had blogged it because that night was inspiring and made me realize that MSA was really good while I was in school. I miss having plain conversation with people, without it being all sexualized, just exchanging ideas, without being at work. As I remarked to my girlfriend, "Man, that was awesome. Was I that bright at 19?"
Anyway, one of the friends of the beautiful reciters had caught my eye, but again, I was feeling old and said my astaghfirUllah. Lowering the gaze and nur on faces being what they are, I was straight. I felt good about the night. I ate (twice, but 5 hrs apart so I don't feel bad), talked, and was merry with mah peoples. I felt like I'd regained a bit of the feeling, temporarily, of what I lost when I left Christianity and unknowingly my UMYF youth group culture.
And then at the end of the night, we're all leaving, and I said something about how flippin cold ("Que FRIO, CARAaaaaa!) it was in Spanish. This curly haired deep voiced guy from the group turned around.
He answered me back in perfect - and I mean spot-on-no-accent-straight-off-the-boat Spanish.I looked at him like "whaaa--?" It must be the same look I get when people hear muhejebah morena ME going off in Spanish. We get to talking.
Turns out he speaks like 4 languages, including Urdu and Spanish. Turns out he's half Puerto Rican. Turns out he's studying at AlmaMater. All very interesting.
Now, meandirectorlady had just told me that she was looking for Spanish speakers to train (long story short, we train interpreters) from the area of MD where this particular gentleman was from. We talked so long outside the restaurant that our respective groups of friends start wandering off. I guess a conversation in a language you don't know between the tallest people in the crowd can be boring from the outside.
So I go, "hey, you want to work for me?!" that being my line of the night. I'd passed out all of my business cards to different sisters and brothers who speak languages we really need. "Yeah, un momentico...," he said, "I'm excited, you're excited, let me call you and make sure that this is something I can do."
Aiight, I thought, whatever.
He ends up calling after calling my cell and getting my voicemail, asking a bro who had got my card for the number there, calling my job, and sending me an email there.
Brotha needed a job, I'm thinking.
Then began (ahem innocent) the facebook flirtation. Which, by the way, is still up between our walls for those of you who are on my facebook and care to look. Plus he stuttered (and said, can y'all believe this, 'Wow, I'm tonguetied right now, I don't know why') and stammered his way through conducting the official bizness necessary to get him into our training when I talked to him. And I'm all, I need to chill. Astaghfirullah. All that. Y'know?
And now I'm all crushalicious. But in my professional capacity, I still have to work with him, and don't need to be flirting with him. And in my dang-I'm-25 role, I don't need to be flirting with him . And in my muslima fashion, I'm tryna front like I don't like him. And in my single role, I want to know how he treats his mom and can't believe how many people incidenally are like 'that bro is on his stuff' plus? He's a sweetie.
Please excuse my airheadedness for a second:
Okay, so, like, ohmygoodness. I, like, know this isn't gonna turn into anything, right? I mean, what is anything, anyway? But, like, what if it does? And like, am I just imagining it? Or does he like me? Ooh mylanta and he's such a chulo! And omygosh, I have got to chill out! And he's like this super-on-the-deen guy, y'know? Yeah, mashaAllah! But he's like sooooo cute! And plus I get to see him at work, but like, my boss will be there? So even if I could say something I wouldn't? But I totally want to, because, ohmygosh, he's like, funny and muslim, and he speaks Spanish and he's sooo cute! Like ohmylanta!
Had to get that out before I exploded. But that's been the bright part of a coupla horrid weeks, thank you for not puking from the valley-ness of this post.
peace
me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)