assalamu alaikum,
As I write this, I'm still 26.
Six and twenty years have passed in my life. And I'm still hoping for thirty.
Thirty, Mama said, is when "I was seriously grown.".
At thirty, according to some voices in Islam, youth has officially passed.
I don't know that maturity has necesarily skipped me, but I do know that I'm not done growing. And there are some years and times I want to call back and savor. Especially twenty four and twenty five. Lawd, 25 was hard from the beginning to the end, quite literally. Almost everyone forgot my 25th birthday; I worked all day and my boss got lost bringing me home in the DC heat. And then I went home and cried because no one loved me. And on my 26th birthday, I was at my grandmother's house... because she wasn't there. She was to be buried the next day.
*sigh*. SubHanAllah. Maybe by 30 I'll have finished sorting out the complex grief-guilt-relief mishmash I feel when I think about the mother of my mother.
Now I feel narcissistic.
That's not what I mean, though. I mean to be forward-thinking. Goal-oriented, even. And somewhere in me is still a little girl who dreams. At twenty-six.
I'm dreaming of a thirty-year old. Woman-me. Secure- more secure than today. Submitting, more than today. Loving- deeply. I dream of a tomorrow (or a not-quite-four-years) better than now. Nowhere near old. But certainly no child. Not even wanting to be, anymore.
Maybe I'll be mama? Wife? Proprietor? Prosperous? A singer. A nurse. A midwife. Professor, crafter. Rich and thin. Rich and fat. Certainly sexy, certainly all covered up.
Maybe I'll not have a dime to my name. Maybe I won't be writing here anymore. Maybe I'll have tasted the true bitterness of the tests we all face. Maybe I'll have become a bleak person. I don't know.
How wondrous and golden is the day I have yet to behold. It amazes me how delicious is something I have yet to taste!
One thing. If (and it won't happen) y'all catch me bemoaning the arrival of my third decade, whop me. Hard! AlHamdulIllah, what if I don't make it? Imette didn't make it. Gabriel didn't make it. Merlin didn't make it. Joy didn't make it. Not to thirty. How many deaths will I see before this day arrives? I am thankful and greatful for every beat of my heart, every action I can make, every wonder and even the atrocities I can see. Who knows? One day this post could be a missive from the grave.
All praise to ALlah for being able to speak, to even hint at His glory. Life is something I will never regret.
Even as I'm reaching for thirty.
Showing posts with label I like this yo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I like this yo. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Got it started
assalamu alaikum,
I'm so antsy, because I did it; I got the ball rolling with this guy.
I don't even want to give him a blog name, yet. It might be one of those things that fades away until even if I gave him a pseudonym, I wouldn't remember his real name.
It's the possibilities that are making me antsy and itchy and wiggly. What if he says yes? (?!?!!)
So let me backtrack a sec... since my last post, I've had this in the back of my mind; I just didn't have a lot of time to focus on it. Between the mentoring group, plus my time-and-a-half studies, I had like five assignments, a test, and a research critique due last week. As it was, I didn't do as well as I wanted on the test (a B, but I want an A. Yes, I'm one of those people).
But this weekend, Br. Leader and May had a gathering at their house. And at first I asked Leader, okay, so if we don't date... how Do I get to know this man, to see if this is right?
I appreciated the answer, which was... just have people around. The big issues with dating in Islam are that the important questions aren't fully addressed before marriage, and/or the couple being alone together (since, if a man and a woman are alone together, shaitan is the third)- that includes phone calls and internet contact. So he basically said, like go to a restaurant and sit at a table, but have another couple (or parents, depending on how strict the family is) at a different table. I kinda grinned when he said something to the effect that no man is going to try something if her dad is sitting at the next table; totally true! Or, he said, if two people were sitting in his dining room, and others were in another room; since the floor plan is pretty open (no real doors), and people can come and peek in at all times, that's acceptable.
So it really is like courting, back in the day. I like that. I never was a dating person, even back before Islam in high school.
But then he asked, "Anybody I know?" and y'all, I'm so glad I'm a chocolate person because I know I must've blushed like bright red. So I said yes; and he offered to have a gathering at his house, to prevent awkwardness.
I spend so much time protecting myself against blows I think are coming and too often have come. The experience last weekend really got me to the point where I finally started to bring my barriers down. I can't tell you how big that is. I want to be the person who avoids that awkward situation without dreading it or acting to avoid it instead of acting to get what I want... in this. Most times I don't give a rip what anyone thinks.
And May commented on just that. The mentoring group we're all a part of is going to be doing year-long training. "You'll have enough on your plate without that big white elephant in the room." Ain't that the truth.
Leader said something else about how this guy might be ok with marrying older in general, but really might want to marry someone his age or younger. I agreed; and what ran through my head was something similar, but along racial lines. Just last week I had a friend email me some man's profile. When I asked her why she didn't want to keep him for herself, she said, "He's African-American." SO what? I wondered. Turns out she wants a desi guy- she's desi herself. I wonder if this guy is like that. I doubt it; but what do I know?
So, since I finally let someone know who can get the ball rolling, I do feel better about it. Still giddy, still looking forward to seeing him, but better. I'm getting to like this anticipation of GOOD things.
Make dua'a for me, please!
twenny
I'm so antsy, because I did it; I got the ball rolling with this guy.
I don't even want to give him a blog name, yet. It might be one of those things that fades away until even if I gave him a pseudonym, I wouldn't remember his real name.
It's the possibilities that are making me antsy and itchy and wiggly. What if he says yes? (?!?!!)
So let me backtrack a sec... since my last post, I've had this in the back of my mind; I just didn't have a lot of time to focus on it. Between the mentoring group, plus my time-and-a-half studies, I had like five assignments, a test, and a research critique due last week. As it was, I didn't do as well as I wanted on the test (a B, but I want an A. Yes, I'm one of those people).
But this weekend, Br. Leader and May had a gathering at their house. And at first I asked Leader, okay, so if we don't date... how Do I get to know this man, to see if this is right?
I appreciated the answer, which was... just have people around. The big issues with dating in Islam are that the important questions aren't fully addressed before marriage, and/or the couple being alone together (since, if a man and a woman are alone together, shaitan is the third)- that includes phone calls and internet contact. So he basically said, like go to a restaurant and sit at a table, but have another couple (or parents, depending on how strict the family is) at a different table. I kinda grinned when he said something to the effect that no man is going to try something if her dad is sitting at the next table; totally true! Or, he said, if two people were sitting in his dining room, and others were in another room; since the floor plan is pretty open (no real doors), and people can come and peek in at all times, that's acceptable.
So it really is like courting, back in the day. I like that. I never was a dating person, even back before Islam in high school.
But then he asked, "Anybody I know?" and y'all, I'm so glad I'm a chocolate person because I know I must've blushed like bright red. So I said yes; and he offered to have a gathering at his house, to prevent awkwardness.
I spend so much time protecting myself against blows I think are coming and too often have come. The experience last weekend really got me to the point where I finally started to bring my barriers down. I can't tell you how big that is. I want to be the person who avoids that awkward situation without dreading it or acting to avoid it instead of acting to get what I want... in this. Most times I don't give a rip what anyone thinks.
And May commented on just that. The mentoring group we're all a part of is going to be doing year-long training. "You'll have enough on your plate without that big white elephant in the room." Ain't that the truth.
Leader said something else about how this guy might be ok with marrying older in general, but really might want to marry someone his age or younger. I agreed; and what ran through my head was something similar, but along racial lines. Just last week I had a friend email me some man's profile. When I asked her why she didn't want to keep him for herself, she said, "He's African-American." SO what? I wondered. Turns out she wants a desi guy- she's desi herself. I wonder if this guy is like that. I doubt it; but what do I know?
So, since I finally let someone know who can get the ball rolling, I do feel better about it. Still giddy, still looking forward to seeing him, but better. I'm getting to like this anticipation of GOOD things.
Make dua'a for me, please!
twenny
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wait. You're HOW old?
assalamu alaikum
I'm totally paying for the hijinks of my youth.
This weekend we went to a MORE Life weekend. Long story short, there was a man there I totally vibed with. He's from the Conservopolis community, and I've known him for a while but not had the chance to hang with him until now.
Well. I think he's just awesome. Judging from our conversations over the weekend (travel plus convention) he's digging me.
We had this conversation the other night that has me stuck though:
Me: Yeah, so Monday it's back to ExtraCatholic U for class.
Him: Oh, what, so University of Conservopolis isn't good enough for you?
Me: Eh, well, my moms has worked at Ex for a while; I thought she should at least have one kid graduate from there.
Him: Yeah, it's smart to take advantage of tuition remission.
Me: Or, it would be, but I'm too old. You have to be under 26.
Him: *doubletake* wait... you're over 26?
Me:... definitely over 26.
PAUSE
Me: How old did you think I was,[name]?
Him: Well, you hang with my cousin Mari, I was thinking you're like 22, 23 tops like she is.
Me: *laughing* Yeah, I keep slipping and thinking Mari is my age, but no. I'm 23 in my heart, though!
Him: *laughing* Well, I'm 20 in my heart and my body!
*conversation continues to other things*
And I am sooo stuck. Dag. A 10 year difference?! For real? I mean, if I were 40 (ya Allah, please forbid!) it wouldn't be as big a deal.
In his defence, had he not SAID he was that young, I never would've known. Honestly. JW acts five years younger than this guy, and he acts, well, grown. If asked I'd've said he was 25 at the youngest; he's still working toward his BA, otherwise I don't know if I'd've thought him even that young.
I like him a lot.
So the other thing is, now what? Besides my usual moping about. I'm just not going to do that. If I were the dating kind I'd ask him out. Yes, even now I know how young he is. In fact, I feel like I need to spend some time to figure out if his maturity is my crazy perception or if he's just unusually old in his manner.
Since I don't date... now what?
yeah.
peace
twennytwo (who is darn near thurdy)
I'm totally paying for the hijinks of my youth.
This weekend we went to a MORE Life weekend. Long story short, there was a man there I totally vibed with. He's from the Conservopolis community, and I've known him for a while but not had the chance to hang with him until now.
Well. I think he's just awesome. Judging from our conversations over the weekend (travel plus convention) he's digging me.
We had this conversation the other night that has me stuck though:
Me: Yeah, so Monday it's back to ExtraCatholic U for class.
Him: Oh, what, so University of Conservopolis isn't good enough for you?
Me: Eh, well, my moms has worked at Ex for a while; I thought she should at least have one kid graduate from there.
Him: Yeah, it's smart to take advantage of tuition remission.
Me: Or, it would be, but I'm too old. You have to be under 26.
Him: *doubletake* wait... you're over 26?
Me:... definitely over 26.
PAUSE
Me: How old did you think I was,[name]?
Him: Well, you hang with my cousin Mari, I was thinking you're like 22, 23 tops like she is.
Me: *laughing* Yeah, I keep slipping and thinking Mari is my age, but no. I'm 23 in my heart, though!
Him: *laughing* Well, I'm 20 in my heart and my body!
*conversation continues to other things*
And I am sooo stuck. Dag. A 10 year difference?! For real? I mean, if I were 40 (ya Allah, please forbid!) it wouldn't be as big a deal.
In his defence, had he not SAID he was that young, I never would've known. Honestly. JW acts five years younger than this guy, and he acts, well, grown. If asked I'd've said he was 25 at the youngest; he's still working toward his BA, otherwise I don't know if I'd've thought him even that young.
I like him a lot.
So the other thing is, now what? Besides my usual moping about. I'm just not going to do that. If I were the dating kind I'd ask him out. Yes, even now I know how young he is. In fact, I feel like I need to spend some time to figure out if his maturity is my crazy perception or if he's just unusually old in his manner.
Since I don't date... now what?
yeah.
peace
twennytwo (who is darn near thurdy)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Disney
assalamu alaikum,
So, without giving away too many details (even though I suspect a great many people who know me in real life read this blog without telling me so...), we went on a field trip to Disney this long weekend.
It was great! The trip began cold and wet- I mean, walking around in 50 degree downpours, cold and wet. But that first day was decent. Or, it would've been, if Delta hadn't lost my bags. At least I didn't have to make up a song ala 'United Breaks Guitars'. But when I got the bag back, it was missing some things.
Eh.
We visited 3 parks: Animal Kingdom (created since I'd last been to the parks... whoo boy, that was 13 years ago!), Epcot, and the Magic Kingdom.
It was interesting to see how many Muslims were at the park (answer: not many). I got so excited and would go, 'Muslim sighting!' every time I saw a group with women in hijab. That was fun, the kids got into that too.
And things were pretty crowded even though it was chilly and, well, February. I figured that the Southern Hemisphere folk were out in force; I heard a lot of Portuguese and Spanish going on around me. That was fun, too.
I miss Florida, miss puerto Rico, love those tropical, moist, warm climates. If 50 degrees is cold, I'll take it! Palm trees and sunshine make me happy. This trip was rejuvenating.
One of the kids gave me a heart attack, though, and it really took the enjoyment out of one of the days. She just walked off without saying where she was going to anyone in the group.
Worst 10 minutes of my life, to date. Indirectly I think I have Imette to thank for that. I now absolutely know what could happen when one person is off by themselves, confidently exploring in a public place. I guess I'm still processing her death, 3 years later.
But anyway.
Point for me is that I need to revisit the parks when I can go and shop and sightsee and ride things as an adult, without having to chaperone the young ones. This trip was all about them; I was so happy to see them enjoying themselves. They got to do their thing (and did it well, I might add), shop, ride (really tame and lame) rollercoasters and see attractions.
May was the point person for this trip. I'm really actively trying to learn more from and about May. She's really an amazing person. My upbringing taught me adult-centrism; it was harsh and showed me exactly how to behave around authority, even though it kept me safe. May's kids are sometimes disobedient, but they are loving and she really does focus on them. It's an interesting way to be, and I feel I need a lot more tenderness to go with my obedience.
So yeah, Disney. It was fun.
peace
twenny
So, without giving away too many details (even though I suspect a great many people who know me in real life read this blog without telling me so...), we went on a field trip to Disney this long weekend.
It was great! The trip began cold and wet- I mean, walking around in 50 degree downpours, cold and wet. But that first day was decent. Or, it would've been, if Delta hadn't lost my bags. At least I didn't have to make up a song ala 'United Breaks Guitars'. But when I got the bag back, it was missing some things.
Eh.
We visited 3 parks: Animal Kingdom (created since I'd last been to the parks... whoo boy, that was 13 years ago!), Epcot, and the Magic Kingdom.
It was interesting to see how many Muslims were at the park (answer: not many). I got so excited and would go, 'Muslim sighting!' every time I saw a group with women in hijab. That was fun, the kids got into that too.
And things were pretty crowded even though it was chilly and, well, February. I figured that the Southern Hemisphere folk were out in force; I heard a lot of Portuguese and Spanish going on around me. That was fun, too.
I miss Florida, miss puerto Rico, love those tropical, moist, warm climates. If 50 degrees is cold, I'll take it! Palm trees and sunshine make me happy. This trip was rejuvenating.
One of the kids gave me a heart attack, though, and it really took the enjoyment out of one of the days. She just walked off without saying where she was going to anyone in the group.
Worst 10 minutes of my life, to date. Indirectly I think I have Imette to thank for that. I now absolutely know what could happen when one person is off by themselves, confidently exploring in a public place. I guess I'm still processing her death, 3 years later.
But anyway.
Point for me is that I need to revisit the parks when I can go and shop and sightsee and ride things as an adult, without having to chaperone the young ones. This trip was all about them; I was so happy to see them enjoying themselves. They got to do their thing (and did it well, I might add), shop, ride (really tame and lame) rollercoasters and see attractions.
May was the point person for this trip. I'm really actively trying to learn more from and about May. She's really an amazing person. My upbringing taught me adult-centrism; it was harsh and showed me exactly how to behave around authority, even though it kept me safe. May's kids are sometimes disobedient, but they are loving and she really does focus on them. It's an interesting way to be, and I feel I need a lot more tenderness to go with my obedience.
So yeah, Disney. It was fun.
peace
twenny
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Don't listen, plus, filling the bucket
assalamu alaikum,
I understand why people don't listen to music, I really do.
I don't want to get into it though. Just sayin' that Chrisette Michelle (perfectly okay lyrics... well. Um.) got me understanding that a bit better. A sound I grew up on, with the synthesized soul. Had my life not gone differently it's how I'd be singing.
I'm doing a 'Filling the Bucket' List. Someone over on FB gave me the idea. What do I want to do before I turn 30?
What would you recommend I do before I turned thurdy? That didn't require a whole lot of specific cooperation from others. (Therefore, marriage and kids and their ilk are out. Keep up the adiyat.)
BAM got married today... and NYC supposedly saw a historic snowstorm. I hereby dedicate all my replays of 'If I Have My Way' to Steven and Megan. I won't make further remark after I say, CONGRATULATIONS!
peace
twenny
I understand why people don't listen to music, I really do.
I don't want to get into it though. Just sayin' that Chrisette Michelle (perfectly okay lyrics... well. Um.) got me understanding that a bit better. A sound I grew up on, with the synthesized soul. Had my life not gone differently it's how I'd be singing.
I'm doing a 'Filling the Bucket' List. Someone over on FB gave me the idea. What do I want to do before I turn 30?
What would you recommend I do before I turned thurdy? That didn't require a whole lot of specific cooperation from others. (Therefore, marriage and kids and their ilk are out. Keep up the adiyat.)
BAM got married today... and NYC supposedly saw a historic snowstorm. I hereby dedicate all my replays of 'If I Have My Way' to Steven and Megan. I won't make further remark after I say, CONGRATULATIONS!
peace
twenny
Sunday, February 07, 2010
When it isn't for you, and when it isn't for you: Building a bridge
assalamu alaikum,
So, my Brother from Another Mother (BAM) is getting married. He clearly is happy about it but also would be just as happy not to get married.
To be writing this mere months after our conversations online and here in person on marriage is... wow. Life: The Great Unexpected Adventure.
I, well, I acted all girly (sue me, it's not my norm) and squeed and such.
Now, let me tell you a secret: way back when adiyat were needed, I said several prayers for BAM. One was for him to find a job. Two was for him to find a job that had all he needed. Three was for him to find a way to keep his love in his life despite the ticking of biological clocks in folk's ears. We had a very deep conversation, and paramount (or at least, very clear to me) were the facts that 1) he loves her to the point of vulnerablility 2) he don't want no kids not no way not no how 3) the intersection of the two might be the point of breakup for them.
So I am happy that they are getting married. Even if it is for the reasons they are getting married. Go read him yourself to find out details.
I'm still praying for him, is all. For them, now. YAY, love! However you come to it and decide it's worth sticking with.
Another of my longtime friends, Bella, not too long ago had her first son. As I consider myself another honorary 'Titi' to this kid since I remember the night of his parents' first date and REALLY liking his dad (as I recall, Bella is one of those I told 'you're going to marry him' years ago), of course I'm over the moon and thrilled for them. MashaAllah.
I've already remarked countless times that finding my husband and settling down to raise a whole bunch of kids is one of my biggest desires/dreams/wishes/things-I-want-but-can't-make-happen-alone. This year, though, call it 2010 or 1431, the only resolution I made was to let that go. I've been so stressed out by and about the great search that when I really had to focus on other things, and let it go, it felt good for the first time. It was okay.
Just okay. But I can live with that. I'm learning to do that.
I took the GRE's the other day and got a 1310, and it was a weight off of my shoulders and another step toward getting out of my less than financially rewarding job and on with a different dream, that of being a nurse-midwife (don't look now, you'll turn around and i'll be a nurse-anesthetist!). It's something I've wanted for a while.
Managing the application while dealing with my job has been tricky though. They pulled out their 'are you working for us next year' form earlier than ever. My first year, as I recall, I had to return that form in March. They sent it in January this time. I just went ahead and marked it yes and returned it.
My understanding is that I might not have my job regardless, but it's good to hedge my bets. Or something. My immediate boss is pretty intimidating, as was noted by my sixth graders the other day in class.
(That was actually HILARIOUS. "Miss Two, do you think Mrs. V is scary?" Me: Oh my goodness, child. What kind of question is that?... Him: "Do you think she's scary, though?" Me, fronting like a mamma-jamma: No, I think she's pretty responsible, she holds you accountable, but I don't think she's scary. Kids: "We do!" Himself: "I think she's really scary. When she looks at you like that. She's mean." ... ol' girl has some work to do on her public persona as a vice-principal when the brashest kids around call her not just mean, which is part of the job, but scary...heh. I should've said yes. But they're also blabbermouths.)
I think, though, that I haven't completed the application because I'm terrified of the what-ifs. What if Allah in his wisdom has decided this thing, that I've finally decided to go for, isn't for me?
And, what to do with a "career" when I decide that it's not for me? What do I do with my dream of companionship when, 10 years later, I realize it's not for me?
I've been dreaming about D and crew (Flint, Day, and Simona especially) lately, to the point that I picked up the phone and called. DC just got slammed by (yet another!) snowmaggeddon, about 20 inches this time. It might've' been the snow. I think it's something else, though. I've known D for 10 years; it took me quite a while to realize the strength of those feelings, and a little while longer to firmly tell myself that I wouldn't let them get out of hand.
I've known Flint for just as long D, though we're not nearly as close. And I had that same feeling when I saw Day; that they would be getting married. I 'called it' if you will. Their wedding's coming up, too. That makes me happy. The prospect of D getting married to Simona makes me happy as well... with a considerable mixture of other more sullen emotions that I don't really care to examine too deeply or publicly.
(I can hear D yelling at me now. "Who said anything about me getting married?" Buddy, if you don't accept by now that I can call them...) I did beg off when D asked me if I sensed the 'you're getting married' aura about Simona in part because I KNOW my radar is off when it comes to D. Let those chips fall where they may, I don't want anything to do with it.
Those feelings are what bother me now, really. I'm actually (really and truly ) okay with laying off the Great Search for this year, since I devoted all of 2009 to it, and it made me weary. I see myself distancing myself from my friends and it hurts. I get quiet so I won't have to think so hard about what I let come out of my mouth. So I can hear what they're saying and be about them for a while.
I don't like feeling jealous of my friends' good times, though; detest feeling that the way I'm thinking about it now makes it about me. I want to get to the place where it's all about happy. I've lost my way about that. I don't know how to recover it. I mean, normally the way to get over jealousy is to wish the person well and then go get your own whatever-it-is-that-finds-the-lost-remote happy.
I'm also scared: fearful of losing my grip on aqidah and haqq in my search for something that might never come my way. Scared I won't get in to school. Scared school won't help me go where I want to go. Scared to invite people over to see my house and the chaos that is my life. And bitter: bitter that I can't just use my own willpower to make what I want happen. Bitter that people I love don't realize how very, very blessed they are. And I don't know where to start to fix it.
Blogging is cheap therapy, if somewhat ineffective.
I'm still feeling my way around things like this, between the confident, responsible young girl I was and the reticent, emotional, disorganized adult. Something happened there after high school. I hope it'll be untangled by the time I'm old and realize it really didn't matter in the first place.
Still reaching for the One.
peace
twenny
So, my Brother from Another Mother (BAM) is getting married. He clearly is happy about it but also would be just as happy not to get married.
To be writing this mere months after our conversations online and here in person on marriage is... wow. Life: The Great Unexpected Adventure.
I, well, I acted all girly (sue me, it's not my norm) and squeed and such.
Now, let me tell you a secret: way back when adiyat were needed, I said several prayers for BAM. One was for him to find a job. Two was for him to find a job that had all he needed. Three was for him to find a way to keep his love in his life despite the ticking of biological clocks in folk's ears. We had a very deep conversation, and paramount (or at least, very clear to me) were the facts that 1) he loves her to the point of vulnerablility 2) he don't want no kids not no way not no how 3) the intersection of the two might be the point of breakup for them.
So I am happy that they are getting married. Even if it is for the reasons they are getting married. Go read him yourself to find out details.
I'm still praying for him, is all. For them, now. YAY, love! However you come to it and decide it's worth sticking with.
Another of my longtime friends, Bella, not too long ago had her first son. As I consider myself another honorary 'Titi' to this kid since I remember the night of his parents' first date and REALLY liking his dad (as I recall, Bella is one of those I told 'you're going to marry him' years ago), of course I'm over the moon and thrilled for them. MashaAllah.
I've already remarked countless times that finding my husband and settling down to raise a whole bunch of kids is one of my biggest desires/dreams/wishes/things-I-want-but-can't-make-happen-alone. This year, though, call it 2010 or 1431, the only resolution I made was to let that go. I've been so stressed out by and about the great search that when I really had to focus on other things, and let it go, it felt good for the first time. It was okay.
Just okay. But I can live with that. I'm learning to do that.
I took the GRE's the other day and got a 1310, and it was a weight off of my shoulders and another step toward getting out of my less than financially rewarding job and on with a different dream, that of being a nurse-midwife (don't look now, you'll turn around and i'll be a nurse-anesthetist!). It's something I've wanted for a while.
Managing the application while dealing with my job has been tricky though. They pulled out their 'are you working for us next year' form earlier than ever. My first year, as I recall, I had to return that form in March. They sent it in January this time. I just went ahead and marked it yes and returned it.
My understanding is that I might not have my job regardless, but it's good to hedge my bets. Or something. My immediate boss is pretty intimidating, as was noted by my sixth graders the other day in class.
(That was actually HILARIOUS. "Miss Two, do you think Mrs. V is scary?" Me: Oh my goodness, child. What kind of question is that?... Him: "Do you think she's scary, though?" Me, fronting like a mamma-jamma: No, I think she's pretty responsible, she holds you accountable, but I don't think she's scary. Kids: "We do!" Himself: "I think she's really scary. When she looks at you like that. She's mean." ... ol' girl has some work to do on her public persona as a vice-principal when the brashest kids around call her not just mean, which is part of the job, but scary...heh. I should've said yes. But they're also blabbermouths.)
I think, though, that I haven't completed the application because I'm terrified of the what-ifs. What if Allah in his wisdom has decided this thing, that I've finally decided to go for, isn't for me?
And, what to do with a "career" when I decide that it's not for me? What do I do with my dream of companionship when, 10 years later, I realize it's not for me?
I've been dreaming about D and crew (Flint, Day, and Simona especially) lately, to the point that I picked up the phone and called. DC just got slammed by (yet another!) snowmaggeddon, about 20 inches this time. It might've' been the snow. I think it's something else, though. I've known D for 10 years; it took me quite a while to realize the strength of those feelings, and a little while longer to firmly tell myself that I wouldn't let them get out of hand.
I've known Flint for just as long D, though we're not nearly as close. And I had that same feeling when I saw Day; that they would be getting married. I 'called it' if you will. Their wedding's coming up, too. That makes me happy. The prospect of D getting married to Simona makes me happy as well... with a considerable mixture of other more sullen emotions that I don't really care to examine too deeply or publicly.
(I can hear D yelling at me now. "Who said anything about me getting married?" Buddy, if you don't accept by now that I can call them...) I did beg off when D asked me if I sensed the 'you're getting married' aura about Simona in part because I KNOW my radar is off when it comes to D. Let those chips fall where they may, I don't want anything to do with it.
Those feelings are what bother me now, really. I'm actually (really and truly ) okay with laying off the Great Search for this year, since I devoted all of 2009 to it, and it made me weary. I see myself distancing myself from my friends and it hurts. I get quiet so I won't have to think so hard about what I let come out of my mouth. So I can hear what they're saying and be about them for a while.
I don't like feeling jealous of my friends' good times, though; detest feeling that the way I'm thinking about it now makes it about me. I want to get to the place where it's all about happy. I've lost my way about that. I don't know how to recover it. I mean, normally the way to get over jealousy is to wish the person well and then go get your own whatever-it-is-that-finds-the-lost-remote happy.
I'm also scared: fearful of losing my grip on aqidah and haqq in my search for something that might never come my way. Scared I won't get in to school. Scared school won't help me go where I want to go. Scared to invite people over to see my house and the chaos that is my life. And bitter: bitter that I can't just use my own willpower to make what I want happen. Bitter that people I love don't realize how very, very blessed they are. And I don't know where to start to fix it.
Blogging is cheap therapy, if somewhat ineffective.
I'm still feeling my way around things like this, between the confident, responsible young girl I was and the reticent, emotional, disorganized adult. Something happened there after high school. I hope it'll be untangled by the time I'm old and realize it really didn't matter in the first place.
Still reaching for the One.
peace
twenny
Friday, January 01, 2010
That's why
assalamu Alaikum,
(My friend Isa sent me a card! I was so happy to hear from her mashaAllah. That sparked this conversation. Just a reminder... everyone has someone who loves them.)
Sister: Aww! Your friends love you!
Me: I dunno why. I can remember some times when I acted very unloveable.
Sister: But you're so endearing when you do it!
InshaAllah blessings of self-awareness and love in 2010.
peace
twennytwo
(My friend Isa sent me a card! I was so happy to hear from her mashaAllah. That sparked this conversation. Just a reminder... everyone has someone who loves them.)
Sister: Aww! Your friends love you!
Me: I dunno why. I can remember some times when I acted very unloveable.
Sister: But you're so endearing when you do it!
InshaAllah blessings of self-awareness and love in 2010.
peace
twennytwo
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Last I've heard from it...
assalamu alaikum,
Alhamdulillah. InshaAllah in about 2 hours, I'll be able to say I made it safely to 1431 AND 2010.
WOW. 2010. No more zero in front of that last number. The people who were born in 1990 are about to be 20 years old! I REMEMBER 1990! How'd that happen?
Seriously? 2009 has not been my best year. Every day that I"m breathing is a good day, alhamdulillah, and another chance. But still, 2009 has stood nearly since the beginning as a year I could not wait to forget.
Positives: I ran a half marathon this year! I moved from pre-k to middle school at my job! ... yeah.
The last year I had that was that bad was 2006 (I know, pessimistic, aren't I?). And you know what? 2007 rocked. Even though it was the year I lost my grandmother, I got so many things I prayed for. It was a bittersweet and memorable year.
So, on to the next! Here we go! Seentcha, 2009! Welcome 2010!
May Allah swt bring blessings, health, happiness, guidance, and PEACE to you, dear reader, and those you love, this year and always.
love,
TwennyTwo
Alhamdulillah. InshaAllah in about 2 hours, I'll be able to say I made it safely to 1431 AND 2010.
WOW. 2010. No more zero in front of that last number. The people who were born in 1990 are about to be 20 years old! I REMEMBER 1990! How'd that happen?
Seriously? 2009 has not been my best year. Every day that I"m breathing is a good day, alhamdulillah, and another chance. But still, 2009 has stood nearly since the beginning as a year I could not wait to forget.
Positives: I ran a half marathon this year! I moved from pre-k to middle school at my job! ... yeah.
The last year I had that was that bad was 2006 (I know, pessimistic, aren't I?). And you know what? 2007 rocked. Even though it was the year I lost my grandmother, I got so many things I prayed for. It was a bittersweet and memorable year.
So, on to the next! Here we go! Seentcha, 2009! Welcome 2010!
May Allah swt bring blessings, health, happiness, guidance, and PEACE to you, dear reader, and those you love, this year and always.
love,
TwennyTwo
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
5 Things I love
assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah
bismillah
Who can't take time to think about just five things they love? Well, I got the flu, so now I really WANT to. Priorities...! So, in no order at all...
1. Sunshine.
This year I feel as if I'm almost caught up on my sunshine quota. Just sitting in sunlight makes me happy, and I have always been so. These days the light right after Asr time (late afternoon) flows through the old leaky picture windows and creates this warm happy glaze and I'm happy to sit, chin on knees, atop the down staircase for an hour and let it soothe and revive me. (Vitamin D, ya know.) Even the worst of days can contain a little sun!
2. Good Advice.
I love living near my family again for this. And studying personal finance has really given me mental peace, pieces of which were certainly missing last year. But good things tie together. My women's halaqa leader's full of awesome advice, and I've felt better since starting to follow it. I've been creating my own lunches in the school kitchen (since, why not?), and I'm more tickled by my idea of using cheap baby spinach in my sandwiches instead of lettuce, and using instant coffee to make 'iced coffee' at work, than a slew of other things. My mother's advice on letting the kids' grades fall where they may was also excellent. Also? I take that finance course with like 6 couples, one of whom is a cop, who told me to just pay the ticket (and avoid the court fees). Good solid advice just rocks.
3. Handiwork.
Until recently, my bed was covered by an old quilt my great-grandmother made. This year I've noticed that as a school team, we tend to connect best over things we produce. I wore a certain green skirt to school and was talking about sewing with other teachers all day- we're going to have another sewing party! The engagement of another teacher here meant bringing desserts for her celebration, and the discussion of buy vs bake and how to make filled the halls with good cheer. Even the male gym teacher made homestyle chutney to go inside an Eid exchange gift bag. We lose a lot of the human touch of craft and care in these professional and service jobs, but for me, crafts and hand work will always be a touchstone.
4. Prepping the night before
Ah, this is not a lifehack. No, no it's not. It's one of the keys to my happiness. I didn't realize until I started doing it again that being ready for the next day before bed is just awesome. It's not just 'ooh, I'm ready, I get 5 more minutes in bed'- though that's plenty nice!- but that I spend 10 minutes ironing and talking to my father. Or cooking and laughing with my mother. I'm not worried about breakfast because it's all ready to go. My picture-day outfit really does look okay. It takes a million sad or stressed moments out of my day, being ready at night. Plus I'm a night owl. Things don't get started for me until sunset. Planning and doing things in the night is another way for me to feel like I'm living my life in the when that I prefer.
5. Henna
I still recall (and have a photo of it!) getting henna for the first time as a new Muslim. I love everything about it: the mixing and sifting and making just the right formula, the flexibility in use from head to toe, how the designs and use are so traditional and even a sunnah. But also that to beautify with henna takes patience and time, even as you can share it with so many. My secret is that I love that henna is a way for me to take Brown back, a beautiful, varied, and natural color that is so often ignored or treated as a non-color. (Don't believe me? What does 'colored' eyes mean to you?) So each time I mix henna personally I make it my mission to get that deep dark near ebony color and spicy, light aroma, like tea, that keep the henna subtly on the wearer's mind.
What 5 things do you love?
UmmLayth tagged me, and I took my sweet time about it, but this was a fun moment in my morning. I tag: Koonj baji, Umm Ibrahim, Yangd, Jo, Nzingha, LuckyFatima, and anyone else who wants it. Not sure if anyone will do it but it was fun doing it, so enjoy.
bismillah
Who can't take time to think about just five things they love? Well, I got the flu, so now I really WANT to. Priorities...! So, in no order at all...
1. Sunshine.
This year I feel as if I'm almost caught up on my sunshine quota. Just sitting in sunlight makes me happy, and I have always been so. These days the light right after Asr time (late afternoon) flows through the old leaky picture windows and creates this warm happy glaze and I'm happy to sit, chin on knees, atop the down staircase for an hour and let it soothe and revive me. (Vitamin D, ya know.) Even the worst of days can contain a little sun!
2. Good Advice.
I love living near my family again for this. And studying personal finance has really given me mental peace, pieces of which were certainly missing last year. But good things tie together. My women's halaqa leader's full of awesome advice, and I've felt better since starting to follow it. I've been creating my own lunches in the school kitchen (since, why not?), and I'm more tickled by my idea of using cheap baby spinach in my sandwiches instead of lettuce, and using instant coffee to make 'iced coffee' at work, than a slew of other things. My mother's advice on letting the kids' grades fall where they may was also excellent. Also? I take that finance course with like 6 couples, one of whom is a cop, who told me to just pay the ticket (and avoid the court fees). Good solid advice just rocks.
3. Handiwork.
Until recently, my bed was covered by an old quilt my great-grandmother made. This year I've noticed that as a school team, we tend to connect best over things we produce. I wore a certain green skirt to school and was talking about sewing with other teachers all day- we're going to have another sewing party! The engagement of another teacher here meant bringing desserts for her celebration, and the discussion of buy vs bake and how to make filled the halls with good cheer. Even the male gym teacher made homestyle chutney to go inside an Eid exchange gift bag. We lose a lot of the human touch of craft and care in these professional and service jobs, but for me, crafts and hand work will always be a touchstone.
4. Prepping the night before
Ah, this is not a lifehack. No, no it's not. It's one of the keys to my happiness. I didn't realize until I started doing it again that being ready for the next day before bed is just awesome. It's not just 'ooh, I'm ready, I get 5 more minutes in bed'- though that's plenty nice!- but that I spend 10 minutes ironing and talking to my father. Or cooking and laughing with my mother. I'm not worried about breakfast because it's all ready to go. My picture-day outfit really does look okay. It takes a million sad or stressed moments out of my day, being ready at night. Plus I'm a night owl. Things don't get started for me until sunset. Planning and doing things in the night is another way for me to feel like I'm living my life in the when that I prefer.
5. Henna
I still recall (and have a photo of it!) getting henna for the first time as a new Muslim. I love everything about it: the mixing and sifting and making just the right formula, the flexibility in use from head to toe, how the designs and use are so traditional and even a sunnah. But also that to beautify with henna takes patience and time, even as you can share it with so many. My secret is that I love that henna is a way for me to take Brown back, a beautiful, varied, and natural color that is so often ignored or treated as a non-color. (Don't believe me? What does 'colored' eyes mean to you?) So each time I mix henna personally I make it my mission to get that deep dark near ebony color and spicy, light aroma, like tea, that keep the henna subtly on the wearer's mind.
What 5 things do you love?
UmmLayth tagged me, and I took my sweet time about it, but this was a fun moment in my morning. I tag: Koonj baji, Umm Ibrahim, Yangd, Jo, Nzingha, LuckyFatima, and anyone else who wants it. Not sure if anyone will do it but it was fun doing it, so enjoy.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Halal, Organic, Pasture-fed TURKEY for Eid
Assalamu Alaikum,
Long time no see, I know. Believe it or not, I posted several times in September... and took them down. Who needs to show their not-so-hot side all the time? I do it enough here.
I did want to pass on a link, in time for the Eid holidays: Halal Zabiha Organic Turkey.
I know I've got plenty of friends who only eat zabiha, or are trying to increase their animal-friendly eating; this combines both. I happen to know the family that runs Green Zabiha, so I know they're trustworthy. And, well, since I actually can spend the cash (not cheap but in line with what zabiha meat is out here in the Midwest), I want to give my whole family an Eid gift of wholesome food. They're not Muslim but they can still benefit.
Is anyone else geeked out and excited over the fact that Eid falls near Thanksgiving this year? Dude! I'm so happy to have a day off with my mother and sister again. It'll be a while before the day falls concurrently with a gregorian holiday again.
I'll be back. Got a post brewing on marriage advice, oh boy, just what we all want to hear.
peace
So yeah, get over to Green Zabiha if you want that turkey.
Long time no see, I know. Believe it or not, I posted several times in September... and took them down. Who needs to show their not-so-hot side all the time? I do it enough here.
I did want to pass on a link, in time for the Eid holidays: Halal Zabiha Organic Turkey.
I know I've got plenty of friends who only eat zabiha, or are trying to increase their animal-friendly eating; this combines both. I happen to know the family that runs Green Zabiha, so I know they're trustworthy. And, well, since I actually can spend the cash (not cheap but in line with what zabiha meat is out here in the Midwest), I want to give my whole family an Eid gift of wholesome food. They're not Muslim but they can still benefit.
Is anyone else geeked out and excited over the fact that Eid falls near Thanksgiving this year? Dude! I'm so happy to have a day off with my mother and sister again. It'll be a while before the day falls concurrently with a gregorian holiday again.
I'll be back. Got a post brewing on marriage advice, oh boy, just what we all want to hear.
peace
So yeah, get over to Green Zabiha if you want that turkey.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Ramadhan 1430/2009
Alhamdulillah! We made it!
A generous, blessed Ramadhan to you and yours, amin!
Make dua'a for me; make requests of me. You know I'll be praying for you.
peace
A generous, blessed Ramadhan to you and yours, amin!
Make dua'a for me; make requests of me. You know I'll be praying for you.
peace
Friday, July 24, 2009
And then life got bizz-ayy
assalamu alaikum,
Okay, so the Fawak.ih Intensive has been making life super busy. I'm staying at the home of my most gracious friend, and that has really made it easy. I realized- between Nene's wedding, ISNA/Independence Day in DC, and now this, I haven't been home more than 3 days at a time this summer since the last week in June. I'm cherishing it, too. I think the reason I put up with being a teacher in part is the long summers, my best season, in which to spend my time as I please.
So this summer for one month I've chosen to spend my time learning Arabic in the intensive program. I'm beginning to think that programs like this may not be for me, though. Or, I have to reconfigure how I do them. Since I'm staying with my amiga, who lives in the city but nearly an hour away, we miss a lot just in transportation time. Nearly 2 hours each day goes to riding back and forth on the highway- and of course, it's construction season, so that can suddenly be longer in a flash. If I really wanted to study, I'd see about getting a room in the hotel in front of the institute. However, last year I stayed there and got VERY ill- and a lot of the women staying there are getting sick this time- so I'll take a few missed days/hours and inshaAllah stay healthy.
I love the course. I love languages (BAM and The Muslimah can attest), and though learning this one isn't a cakewalk, it's still a worthwhile pursuit. Of course, I made the intention to learn fisabilillah before I went to the program. Which is good, because this is coming with some tests!
First thing is jobs. Alhamdulillah, I still have a job after what I wouldn't call an excellent year, last year. But. I left the school year extremely frustrated with the school, administration, the way things were left previously... etc. In other words, I was ready for a break. I didn't actually stop working until the last week of June, well after the other teachers left, because I was dealing with a mess that the teachers previously had left, but one that I hadn't taken the time to organize.
Annnnnd... so of course I get calls this week and it stresses me out. I'm glad to be moving to a new position (older kids, in an area where I have more experience, inshaAllah) in the school, and I know that even having a job is a blessing right about now. But OMG. My blood pressure and heart rate are jacked just thinking about it. I need a different job, yo. This is my last year.
Then? Of course, it just so happens that my celebrity crush is one of the lecturers at the Fawa.kih program. I don't know how much I need to say about that. But um, yeah. Glad my skin isn't pale, because I surely was flushed and flustered half the time. That was a nice feeling, though...ah, I don't know how to explain it.
My friend and I came up with a new joke, though: Como es que se baje la vista de un hombre bajo? Ask me in the comments if you don't speak Spanish/can't find a translator/don't get the joke.
And? I've sewed a couple of pairs of pants since I've been here, including one for my amiga, which came out really well. It really does give you a boost when you feel as if you are well dressed, and it's fun to be able to say to the other ladies, yes, I sewed them myself, and it's easy, and I'd be happy to show you! Such a feeling of accomplishment, mashaAllah.
So, that's the update. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I need to go study for an exam... Yay, Arabic!
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, so the Fawak.ih Intensive has been making life super busy. I'm staying at the home of my most gracious friend, and that has really made it easy. I realized- between Nene's wedding, ISNA/Independence Day in DC, and now this, I haven't been home more than 3 days at a time this summer since the last week in June. I'm cherishing it, too. I think the reason I put up with being a teacher in part is the long summers, my best season, in which to spend my time as I please.
So this summer for one month I've chosen to spend my time learning Arabic in the intensive program. I'm beginning to think that programs like this may not be for me, though. Or, I have to reconfigure how I do them. Since I'm staying with my amiga, who lives in the city but nearly an hour away, we miss a lot just in transportation time. Nearly 2 hours each day goes to riding back and forth on the highway- and of course, it's construction season, so that can suddenly be longer in a flash. If I really wanted to study, I'd see about getting a room in the hotel in front of the institute. However, last year I stayed there and got VERY ill- and a lot of the women staying there are getting sick this time- so I'll take a few missed days/hours and inshaAllah stay healthy.
I love the course. I love languages (BAM and The Muslimah can attest), and though learning this one isn't a cakewalk, it's still a worthwhile pursuit. Of course, I made the intention to learn fisabilillah before I went to the program. Which is good, because this is coming with some tests!
First thing is jobs. Alhamdulillah, I still have a job after what I wouldn't call an excellent year, last year. But. I left the school year extremely frustrated with the school, administration, the way things were left previously... etc. In other words, I was ready for a break. I didn't actually stop working until the last week of June, well after the other teachers left, because I was dealing with a mess that the teachers previously had left, but one that I hadn't taken the time to organize.
Annnnnd... so of course I get calls this week and it stresses me out. I'm glad to be moving to a new position (older kids, in an area where I have more experience, inshaAllah) in the school, and I know that even having a job is a blessing right about now. But OMG. My blood pressure and heart rate are jacked just thinking about it. I need a different job, yo. This is my last year.
Then? Of course, it just so happens that my celebrity crush is one of the lecturers at the Fawa.kih program. I don't know how much I need to say about that. But um, yeah. Glad my skin isn't pale, because I surely was flushed and flustered half the time. That was a nice feeling, though...ah, I don't know how to explain it.
My friend and I came up with a new joke, though: Como es que se baje la vista de un hombre bajo? Ask me in the comments if you don't speak Spanish/can't find a translator/don't get the joke.
And? I've sewed a couple of pairs of pants since I've been here, including one for my amiga, which came out really well. It really does give you a boost when you feel as if you are well dressed, and it's fun to be able to say to the other ladies, yes, I sewed them myself, and it's easy, and I'd be happy to show you! Such a feeling of accomplishment, mashaAllah.
So, that's the update. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I need to go study for an exam... Yay, Arabic!
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Twenny Ate
assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
I remember on D's last b-day I called and was teasing unmercifully about reaching 28. Teasing based on a faulty premise that I don't subscribe to; mainly that getting older is a bad thing. I have seen enough death and personal tragedy to understand that birthdays are blessings, every single one. They don't have the guarantee that death and entropy do.
Ah, and now it's my turn to reflect on 27.
The other day I was in Rochester, NY for my friend Nene's wedding, which was beautiful, and a lot of fun. I think because I was in a crowd of Black and Latino folk (she's black, he's portareecan) I thought back to my college days. I wouldn't take nothing for my journey, but I still feel the love of the people and culture I met during those days.
My work this year wore me down, but I learned a lot of lessons, mainly that I need to do what I want to do when I want it, based on my own values. You'd think that a 27 year old woman would get that, but ah, the lesson needs drilling. Apparently. I love the children, am grateful to be working with little muslims, but now I know that this is my hatching ground, and that I'm due to fly from it sooner rather than later.
I learned that my body? Is mashaAllah amazing. I finished a half-marathon. I finished slowly. But I finished. I also learned that diabetes is stalking me regardless of all that training... and I'm taking care of myself more. I learned that food isn't my best friend, since I already knew it wasn't my enemy.
I learned that I'm a pig for some love. Family, students, friends- I need affection in doses that others would find smothering. I'm learning to be okay with that.
I remembered skills and joys I had forgotten. I think I'm going to get sick of my gauchos after a while, but the satisfaction of making them with my own hands was wonderful. I can still make killer salted oatmeal cookies, even if I have to eat one and give the rest away. And nothing will ever compare to a long drive in the country and woods at the end of a warm day.
I finally realised that even though I am a child of an age of entitlement, I can make my own dreams come true best when I am serving others. I am happy when I learn that a small advice I lent helped another sister find happiness and some self-reflection. I need to lean on other shoulders. I need to be needed.
Procrastination might be natural, but Allah swt has given us all tools to work against the worst of our natures- and with the best of it. Still up to me to grasp the tools and get to work, though. And now I know that organization isn't just a luxury, but for me it's something worth the battles with myself. I realised that to love the examples in my deen and to increase my iman and to love the nabi I follow is not shameful, but it's okay.
Companionship, true companionship, is something I pray for; thank God for my friends, the true-blue homies, the ones who are in the mud and the glory with me.
Twenty-seven is a wrap. Alhamdulillah, let the games of twenny eight begin.
fimanillah
Twenny Two
I remember on D's last b-day I called and was teasing unmercifully about reaching 28. Teasing based on a faulty premise that I don't subscribe to; mainly that getting older is a bad thing. I have seen enough death and personal tragedy to understand that birthdays are blessings, every single one. They don't have the guarantee that death and entropy do.
Ah, and now it's my turn to reflect on 27.
The other day I was in Rochester, NY for my friend Nene's wedding, which was beautiful, and a lot of fun. I think because I was in a crowd of Black and Latino folk (she's black, he's portareecan) I thought back to my college days. I wouldn't take nothing for my journey, but I still feel the love of the people and culture I met during those days.
My work this year wore me down, but I learned a lot of lessons, mainly that I need to do what I want to do when I want it, based on my own values. You'd think that a 27 year old woman would get that, but ah, the lesson needs drilling. Apparently. I love the children, am grateful to be working with little muslims, but now I know that this is my hatching ground, and that I'm due to fly from it sooner rather than later.
I learned that my body? Is mashaAllah amazing. I finished a half-marathon. I finished slowly. But I finished. I also learned that diabetes is stalking me regardless of all that training... and I'm taking care of myself more. I learned that food isn't my best friend, since I already knew it wasn't my enemy.
I learned that I'm a pig for some love. Family, students, friends- I need affection in doses that others would find smothering. I'm learning to be okay with that.
I remembered skills and joys I had forgotten. I think I'm going to get sick of my gauchos after a while, but the satisfaction of making them with my own hands was wonderful. I can still make killer salted oatmeal cookies, even if I have to eat one and give the rest away. And nothing will ever compare to a long drive in the country and woods at the end of a warm day.
I finally realised that even though I am a child of an age of entitlement, I can make my own dreams come true best when I am serving others. I am happy when I learn that a small advice I lent helped another sister find happiness and some self-reflection. I need to lean on other shoulders. I need to be needed.
Procrastination might be natural, but Allah swt has given us all tools to work against the worst of our natures- and with the best of it. Still up to me to grasp the tools and get to work, though. And now I know that organization isn't just a luxury, but for me it's something worth the battles with myself. I realised that to love the examples in my deen and to increase my iman and to love the nabi I follow is not shameful, but it's okay.
Companionship, true companionship, is something I pray for; thank God for my friends, the true-blue homies, the ones who are in the mud and the glory with me.
Twenty-seven is a wrap. Alhamdulillah, let the games of twenny eight begin.
fimanillah
Twenny Two
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Music
Assalamu Alaikum,
So I've been thinking about the music thing. First, I went to visit UmmLayth (yes, she of TheMuslimah.com, may Allah bless her); as it turns out, she doesn't live that far from Conservopolis. Since I'd left my laptop at her house I went to retrieve it and stayed the night. It was so good to see her!
We got to talking about many different things, and music was one of them. Alhamdulillah I'm not going to talk about her house here, except to say that she doesn't have a television, and the stereos I saw were not on once. Ya'll say mashaAllah.
She asked me if I listened to music... and then added that she doesn't judge on it. I guess she understood the look on my face.
See, whenever the subject of music and Islam, and living with or without it comes up, I feel pushed. I'd already converted when one of the sisters in MSA, I think she was a vp at the time, made some remark about how a certain person was so extreme, that they put all the pictures in the house face-down, and 'didn't even listen to music!'. And I immediately asked her, "Wait- music isn't allowed in Islam?" She refused to answer, and quickly changed the subject.
So even then I understood this to be something that involved a definite difference of opinions.
Fast forward a couple years, past the MSA East Zone convention where I started wearing hijab, to living in Puerto Rico. By then I was in full immersion mode, and riding in the car with my friend Abeer.
I love Abeer for many reasons, not least of which is that during one lonely Ramadhan after learning that I was fasting by myself, she piled her kids into her rusty blue'89 Chevy wagon, came to my house and bullied me into the car, and did not leave me alone henceforth. I truly believe she not only saved my sanity, but she maintained my link to Islam. This was shortly before I got my first laptop and started this blog.
Anyway, so we were winding through the streets of Guayama, and Abeer asked me:" Pues, cuando mueres, quieres musica, o quieres Qur'an?"- did I want music, or Qur'an playing at my funeral? I forget what brought that on, I think maybe someone famous had died in PR recently.
"Qur'an," I replied firmly.
My brainwashing was nearly complete.
Something brought me back from the brink, though.
It's because of the extremity of actively avoiding music. Not only is it everywhere, but I operated for the longest in a world that moved to its direction. And, I can't see evil just in the existence of melody and harmony. I'm sorry- the Qur'an has too much of those beautiful sisters for me to dislike them for their own sake.
I fully understand the reasons for the dislike of music, really. It takes away from study of Qur'an, it occupies the mind with other things- and certain of these things can be undesirable. There's a hadith involved.
But I also know that I've been brought closer to understanding how to love Rasulullah (saws) and his example through music. Native Deen, Sami Yusuf, and Outlandish have all inspired me to learn more about certain hadiths and ayahs. I still feel the transcendance when music and a deft lyric can say more than all the speeches anyone could write.
And beyond that? As they said in the video, this is something that my mother does, that my grandmother did, that her father did. I know the songs used to tune the hoes in the fields. I know the weariness on my mother's shoulders by the tune she chooses while she scrubs a dish. I can tell you what grade I was in when given hip-hop tunes came out, and who was my friend, and who was my teacher, and what happened to make I was taught as a child that music was something we used to praise God. What do you mean, God doesn't like it? This hit me about as much as not wearing shoes inside peoples' houses- my father insisted that we wear shoes inside the house if we were awake. It's that kind of training. I'm a classically trained musician, and my siblings have won gold medals in performance. How do I turn away? I just don't see first that it's wrong, and second, how to fight it.
I do know that the way forward is through strengthening faith. The more I memorize Qur'an, the more I want to learn more, the less time I do spend with music. I do miss composing though, and spoken word. So that's the part of hip-hop I feel connected to. As it is, I rarely listen to music unless I'm working out.
Gotta go- just one more point. As part of the Practimate training, we're invited to express our opinions on marriage and potential partners in a variety of ways. One brother expressed his disdain for a sister who- among other things- listened to music. I really wonder how many of these brothers listen to absolutely no music (I mean, no anasheed? Sami Yusuf but without strings? What?) and how to portray the fact that I'm okay with filtered music right now, though inshaAllah I'm definitely open to decreasing my usage. How intolerant are we as an ummah to something where there is a known difference of opinion?
Okay, I'm off my soapbox. Salaamu Alaikum.
peace
TwennyTwo
So I've been thinking about the music thing. First, I went to visit UmmLayth (yes, she of TheMuslimah.com, may Allah bless her); as it turns out, she doesn't live that far from Conservopolis. Since I'd left my laptop at her house I went to retrieve it and stayed the night. It was so good to see her!
We got to talking about many different things, and music was one of them. Alhamdulillah I'm not going to talk about her house here, except to say that she doesn't have a television, and the stereos I saw were not on once. Ya'll say mashaAllah.
She asked me if I listened to music... and then added that she doesn't judge on it. I guess she understood the look on my face.
See, whenever the subject of music and Islam, and living with or without it comes up, I feel pushed. I'd already converted when one of the sisters in MSA, I think she was a vp at the time, made some remark about how a certain person was so extreme, that they put all the pictures in the house face-down, and 'didn't even listen to music!'. And I immediately asked her, "Wait- music isn't allowed in Islam?" She refused to answer, and quickly changed the subject.
So even then I understood this to be something that involved a definite difference of opinions.
Fast forward a couple years, past the MSA East Zone convention where I started wearing hijab, to living in Puerto Rico. By then I was in full immersion mode, and riding in the car with my friend Abeer.
I love Abeer for many reasons, not least of which is that during one lonely Ramadhan after learning that I was fasting by myself, she piled her kids into her rusty blue'89 Chevy wagon, came to my house and bullied me into the car, and did not leave me alone henceforth. I truly believe she not only saved my sanity, but she maintained my link to Islam. This was shortly before I got my first laptop and started this blog.
Anyway, so we were winding through the streets of Guayama, and Abeer asked me:" Pues, cuando mueres, quieres musica, o quieres Qur'an?"- did I want music, or Qur'an playing at my funeral? I forget what brought that on, I think maybe someone famous had died in PR recently.
"Qur'an," I replied firmly.
My brainwashing was nearly complete.
Something brought me back from the brink, though.
It's because of the extremity of actively avoiding music. Not only is it everywhere, but I operated for the longest in a world that moved to its direction. And, I can't see evil just in the existence of melody and harmony. I'm sorry- the Qur'an has too much of those beautiful sisters for me to dislike them for their own sake.
I fully understand the reasons for the dislike of music, really. It takes away from study of Qur'an, it occupies the mind with other things- and certain of these things can be undesirable. There's a hadith involved.
But I also know that I've been brought closer to understanding how to love Rasulullah (saws) and his example through music. Native Deen, Sami Yusuf, and Outlandish have all inspired me to learn more about certain hadiths and ayahs. I still feel the transcendance when music and a deft lyric can say more than all the speeches anyone could write.
And beyond that? As they said in the video, this is something that my mother does, that my grandmother did, that her father did. I know the songs used to tune the hoes in the fields. I know the weariness on my mother's shoulders by the tune she chooses while she scrubs a dish. I can tell you what grade I was in when given hip-hop tunes came out, and who was my friend, and who was my teacher, and what happened to make I was taught as a child that music was something we used to praise God. What do you mean, God doesn't like it? This hit me about as much as not wearing shoes inside peoples' houses- my father insisted that we wear shoes inside the house if we were awake. It's that kind of training. I'm a classically trained musician, and my siblings have won gold medals in performance. How do I turn away? I just don't see first that it's wrong, and second, how to fight it.
I do know that the way forward is through strengthening faith. The more I memorize Qur'an, the more I want to learn more, the less time I do spend with music. I do miss composing though, and spoken word. So that's the part of hip-hop I feel connected to. As it is, I rarely listen to music unless I'm working out.
Gotta go- just one more point. As part of the Practimate training, we're invited to express our opinions on marriage and potential partners in a variety of ways. One brother expressed his disdain for a sister who- among other things- listened to music. I really wonder how many of these brothers listen to absolutely no music (I mean, no anasheed? Sami Yusuf but without strings? What?) and how to portray the fact that I'm okay with filtered music right now, though inshaAllah I'm definitely open to decreasing my usage. How intolerant are we as an ummah to something where there is a known difference of opinion?
Okay, I'm off my soapbox. Salaamu Alaikum.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, January 17, 2009
When a dream is awesome
Assalamu Alaikum,
Man, it's cold. I only mention it because it was so cold I got off work yesterday. Yes, the schools closed for a COLD DAY.
Mind you we're talking minus 15 wind chill, so it was kinda expected.
It gave me much needed time to rest...
... and to do my Practimate work. Go on, check it out, it's a new initiative by Sheikh Yaser Birjas, of Marriage Revolution fame.
I like the program because it offers training for people before they marry... and even before you meet 'The One'. Training of the sort I've been bugging Bro. Leader about for a while, but he's got bigger better things to do. So I'm in the first batch of people to go through the program, and I like- not because it's asking me to think about things that I've never thought about before. I've actually thought about marriage enough that my answers are substantial. I like the exercises because they're forcing me to focus and clarify my thinking, and my expectations for marriage. And this is just Step One of eight in the program.
My only (teeny weeny) detraction is that I think we need to do more! Faster! Both because I really (really) want to get married already, and because I'm an action oriented person, I need something going on in order to keep working on the program. We discuss a new module every 3-5 days (it's supposed to be 2-4, but 3-5 is more like what I've noticed).
So, yeah. Practimate rocks.
In related but different matters, I had the most awesomest dream yesterday. This was after going out to eat with my family, on my sister's birthday. Happy Birthday Toto! But anyway, so I came home and went to sleep and... dreamt. Of a person I won't name. And I was mad happy when I woke up (before Fajr!).
Because dreams can be suggestive of the future, I don't want to tell the details. But I do have a question. When a dream is awesome, how do you follow it? Do you just wait and see what happens? Or do you act on what you saw? I feel a very strong urge to do a particular thing based on this dream. I mean, I woke up and prayed the urge to go do this was so strong. MashaAllah.
And when is a dream just, you know, a dream?
peace
TwennyTwo
Man, it's cold. I only mention it because it was so cold I got off work yesterday. Yes, the schools closed for a COLD DAY.
Mind you we're talking minus 15 wind chill, so it was kinda expected.
It gave me much needed time to rest...
... and to do my Practimate work. Go on, check it out, it's a new initiative by Sheikh Yaser Birjas, of Marriage Revolution fame.
I like the program because it offers training for people before they marry... and even before you meet 'The One'. Training of the sort I've been bugging Bro. Leader about for a while, but he's got bigger better things to do. So I'm in the first batch of people to go through the program, and I like- not because it's asking me to think about things that I've never thought about before. I've actually thought about marriage enough that my answers are substantial. I like the exercises because they're forcing me to focus and clarify my thinking, and my expectations for marriage. And this is just Step One of eight in the program.
My only (teeny weeny) detraction is that I think we need to do more! Faster! Both because I really (really) want to get married already, and because I'm an action oriented person, I need something going on in order to keep working on the program. We discuss a new module every 3-5 days (it's supposed to be 2-4, but 3-5 is more like what I've noticed).
So, yeah. Practimate rocks.
In related but different matters, I had the most awesomest dream yesterday. This was after going out to eat with my family, on my sister's birthday. Happy Birthday Toto! But anyway, so I came home and went to sleep and... dreamt. Of a person I won't name. And I was mad happy when I woke up (before Fajr!).
Because dreams can be suggestive of the future, I don't want to tell the details. But I do have a question. When a dream is awesome, how do you follow it? Do you just wait and see what happens? Or do you act on what you saw? I feel a very strong urge to do a particular thing based on this dream. I mean, I woke up and prayed the urge to go do this was so strong. MashaAllah.
And when is a dream just, you know, a dream?
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, September 01, 2008
Ramadhan Mubarak!
Assalamu Alaikum,
Well. Little time to say it, lots to say.
This year was my unique opportunity to bring in Ramadhan at ISNA. I love me some ISNA. When I was a teen I did the NAACP national Convention every year; I have graduated to the ISNA-itis. I was there, you probably saw me if you were there, and just didn't know it.
And, I met UmmZaid! That was mad cool. She could've been all shady and acted like she didnt' know me, and she didn't , we hugged, and I'm glad to see the face in front of the mind I love to read. InshaAllah we'll meet again.
I also met HijabMan, he's funny. I meant to go back to his booth and just ran out of cash (ISNA bazaar is not a joke, ya'll) so when I get paid (inshaAllah) I'll be over there pestering him to send me merch through the internet. I want the shirt that says Muslims love Jesus, too. So to the point.
I had the opportunity to explain just that to one of the workers at the convention center. He asked me, do ya'll have Jesus? And I really enjoyed the 10 minutes we took to speak. InshaAllah he'll be guided.
I also feel so loved after that convention. There was a point where I couldn't walk from one end of the hall to the other, for meeting someone I knew and hadn't seen in years. I needed that boost. It was sooo good to see my friends, my peoples I loved so well while in school, the forgiving and the loving. Man. When we get it right we Muslims really are trying to be closer to Allah and it shows.
I'm begininng to understand this about myself: that I need to feel loved like other people need to look good, or other people need to eat good food, or other people need to seek Allah. How I connect that to Islam and taqwa is my challenge moving forward.
I found a Qur'an that suffices. It doesn't have the fancy notches, but it does have the large print. Alhamdulillah!
It's back to earth now. I've been up too long; and I"m investing in some eye cream because this Ramadhan, with school starting tomorrow, promises to be short on that sleep stuff *groan*. May your fasts and deeds be accepted, may you be guided to remain on the straight path, may Allah bless you and your loved ones in all you do,amin. Ramadhan Kareem!
peace
TwennyTwo
Well. Little time to say it, lots to say.
This year was my unique opportunity to bring in Ramadhan at ISNA. I love me some ISNA. When I was a teen I did the NAACP national Convention every year; I have graduated to the ISNA-itis. I was there, you probably saw me if you were there, and just didn't know it.
And, I met UmmZaid! That was mad cool. She could've been all shady and acted like she didnt' know me, and she didn't , we hugged, and I'm glad to see the face in front of the mind I love to read. InshaAllah we'll meet again.
I also met HijabMan, he's funny. I meant to go back to his booth and just ran out of cash (ISNA bazaar is not a joke, ya'll) so when I get paid (inshaAllah) I'll be over there pestering him to send me merch through the internet. I want the shirt that says Muslims love Jesus, too. So to the point.
I had the opportunity to explain just that to one of the workers at the convention center. He asked me, do ya'll have Jesus? And I really enjoyed the 10 minutes we took to speak. InshaAllah he'll be guided.
I also feel so loved after that convention. There was a point where I couldn't walk from one end of the hall to the other, for meeting someone I knew and hadn't seen in years. I needed that boost. It was sooo good to see my friends, my peoples I loved so well while in school, the forgiving and the loving. Man. When we get it right we Muslims really are trying to be closer to Allah and it shows.
I'm begininng to understand this about myself: that I need to feel loved like other people need to look good, or other people need to eat good food, or other people need to seek Allah. How I connect that to Islam and taqwa is my challenge moving forward.
I found a Qur'an that suffices. It doesn't have the fancy notches, but it does have the large print. Alhamdulillah!
It's back to earth now. I've been up too long; and I"m investing in some eye cream because this Ramadhan, with school starting tomorrow, promises to be short on that sleep stuff *groan*. May your fasts and deeds be accepted, may you be guided to remain on the straight path, may Allah bless you and your loved ones in all you do,amin. Ramadhan Kareem!
peace
TwennyTwo
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Qur'an help! Okay Internets- your turn!
Assalamu Alaikum,
Where can I find a 'large-print'(NOT just large Size) Uthmanic Arabic-only Qur'an? I saw one at the masjid the other day that made me drool. Let me explain:
One of the hardest things for me this past summer at Fawakih was struggling to read the Qur'an, both aloud and to myself, consistently. Our tajweed class literally drove me to tears.
It did help when we sisters were allowed to take the course from a sister who has ijaza instead of in front of the whole world. But I figured out that my real problem had more to do with the whole struggle itself to SEE and capture what I was reading.
See, Arabic script in nearly every Qur'an I've seen has been MUCH smaller than comparable typeface. SO not only do I have to remember the sounds that go with the letters and how to string them together properly, and THEN read with the proper hukm/rules (ha ha, sorry, just remembered the way our Algerian sheikh would ask us, 'Wha' tha hukm?'), I also have to fight just to SEE what I'm reading with every dot and haraka correct. In Arabic, the dots make a difference. It's not like leaving the dot off a lower-case letter I in English. Beyond the ordinary frustration, reading and missing dots and having to concentrate intensely on every. single. word-it's extraordinarily tiring.
And the ordinary frustration is great- I'm one of those people who read whole lines at a time in Latin script (English, Spanish, Portuguese- doesn't matter). Arabic flipped the script for me because I can't 'capture' and understand the words, because I don't know vocab. I don't understand what I'm reading. So it flies right out of my head until I get it explained. I find it a lot easier to memorize Qur'an while driving and repeating back what a passenger recites to me, for example, than reading it or sitting in front of a computer listening to it.
So I end up asking a ton of questions. My teacher would ask me to 'just memorize it, it doesn't matter if you understand it'. Huh? That's a poor and last-ditch way to retain knowledge if you ask me. Sure, if all you're trying to do is preserve the way the sounds go through the generations, that's what you do. Anyway.
Since it's rare that I actually have someone in the car to recite the Qur'an to me and then explain what it's about (Thanks, Emad and Waheed), I've been trying to take time out of my day to read it to myself. I have Qur'an translations as well as a transliteration (which I don't like to use), so I'm okay with meaning. My problem is reading the actual arabic.
So then, the other day at the masjid I saw a musHaf that made me drool. I COULD READ THE SCRIPT. The words were relatively large (I'd say about a 14 pt font?) and uncrowded on the page. It had colored tajweed script (not the highlight blocks that drive me nuts). The top and sides were color-notched and labeled according to Surah AND Juz. And it was hardback. It was one of those moments when you can almost see the beam of light shining down from the heavens- THIS! This was exactly what I needed! It was so easy to read! And to find the surahs I already knew in English! MashaAllah! I spent an hour in the masjid just reciting with that mushaf.
Of course, it belongs to the masjid.
So. Does anyone know where I can get my hands on a Qur'an of this sort? I'm willing to forego the (awesomely excellent) juz and surah notching, and even the tajweed rules. But a Qur'an of this type, for someone whose eyes aren't that good/a beginner in reading Arabic is something I'm willing to pay for. I've searched a lot of web sites, and what I've found are large SIZED mushafs, with script the same as everywhere else, not helpful. Please lend me your expertise!
Also, I'll be at ISNA, so if you know for a fact that there's a certain vendor there who'll have these or know of them, let me know.
Thanks!
peace,
TwennyTwo
Where can I find a 'large-print'(NOT just large Size) Uthmanic Arabic-only Qur'an? I saw one at the masjid the other day that made me drool. Let me explain:
One of the hardest things for me this past summer at Fawakih was struggling to read the Qur'an, both aloud and to myself, consistently. Our tajweed class literally drove me to tears.
It did help when we sisters were allowed to take the course from a sister who has ijaza instead of in front of the whole world. But I figured out that my real problem had more to do with the whole struggle itself to SEE and capture what I was reading.
See, Arabic script in nearly every Qur'an I've seen has been MUCH smaller than comparable typeface. SO not only do I have to remember the sounds that go with the letters and how to string them together properly, and THEN read with the proper hukm/rules (ha ha, sorry, just remembered the way our Algerian sheikh would ask us, 'Wha' tha hukm?'), I also have to fight just to SEE what I'm reading with every dot and haraka correct. In Arabic, the dots make a difference. It's not like leaving the dot off a lower-case letter I in English. Beyond the ordinary frustration, reading and missing dots and having to concentrate intensely on every. single. word-it's extraordinarily tiring.
And the ordinary frustration is great- I'm one of those people who read whole lines at a time in Latin script (English, Spanish, Portuguese- doesn't matter). Arabic flipped the script for me because I can't 'capture' and understand the words, because I don't know vocab. I don't understand what I'm reading. So it flies right out of my head until I get it explained. I find it a lot easier to memorize Qur'an while driving and repeating back what a passenger recites to me, for example, than reading it or sitting in front of a computer listening to it.
So I end up asking a ton of questions. My teacher would ask me to 'just memorize it, it doesn't matter if you understand it'. Huh? That's a poor and last-ditch way to retain knowledge if you ask me. Sure, if all you're trying to do is preserve the way the sounds go through the generations, that's what you do. Anyway.
Since it's rare that I actually have someone in the car to recite the Qur'an to me and then explain what it's about (Thanks, Emad and Waheed), I've been trying to take time out of my day to read it to myself. I have Qur'an translations as well as a transliteration (which I don't like to use), so I'm okay with meaning. My problem is reading the actual arabic.
So then, the other day at the masjid I saw a musHaf that made me drool. I COULD READ THE SCRIPT. The words were relatively large (I'd say about a 14 pt font?) and uncrowded on the page. It had colored tajweed script (not the highlight blocks that drive me nuts). The top and sides were color-notched and labeled according to Surah AND Juz. And it was hardback. It was one of those moments when you can almost see the beam of light shining down from the heavens- THIS! This was exactly what I needed! It was so easy to read! And to find the surahs I already knew in English! MashaAllah! I spent an hour in the masjid just reciting with that mushaf.
Of course, it belongs to the masjid.
So. Does anyone know where I can get my hands on a Qur'an of this sort? I'm willing to forego the (awesomely excellent) juz and surah notching, and even the tajweed rules. But a Qur'an of this type, for someone whose eyes aren't that good/a beginner in reading Arabic is something I'm willing to pay for. I've searched a lot of web sites, and what I've found are large SIZED mushafs, with script the same as everywhere else, not helpful. Please lend me your expertise!
Also, I'll be at ISNA, so if you know for a fact that there's a certain vendor there who'll have these or know of them, let me know.
Thanks!
peace,
TwennyTwo
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
YOU are now officially everyone and their mama
Salaam Alaikum,
Rejection stinks. This is true. It happened when I was surrounded by about 100 teenagers, 9 of whom I was responsible for. Know what? That helped me get over it all the quicker. It wasn't easy, but the kids gave me a great excuse to not be around them for a couple of hours (they played a prank on the counselors, so I needed to go change my clothes) and I got in the pimp car (which, btw, had been scraped earlier by one of the campers' cars that week- now I have to paint it) and drove in it and stopped in the dark and thought dark thoughts and talked to God before returning to see the girls to sleep. When I was done I was raw, when I woke the next morning I was absolutely okay with the whole thing. Whew.
Moving along- someone else has asked about me. Most obvious draw: he's definitely established in life, has worked a couple of careers, and people I trust know him pretty well. Most obvious drawback? He's around 16 years older than I am.
*sigh* make dua'a please. Really. I'm serious. Even just a 'Allah, please give that sister who calls herself Twenny guidance amin' will help greatly.
That, and um if I haven't stated it baldly enough, I am pretty serious about getting married. So if you know me and you know somebody, mention me. All suggestions will be entertained.
Yeah, this guy said it pretty well, entertain yourself for 9 minutes of your life:
MYNA Camp was wonderful, mashaAllah. I had a relatively small cabin, with roughly the same age group- a little younger. There were challenging personalities and deep personalities. My assistant, A, was the head counselor for the girls, and another very good friend was also counselor. And really, I get along pretty well with all of the counselors who were there. There are certain ladies with whom I have ... an ambivalent relationship. And all of these women are pretty prominent, or rather from prominent and established families in the Conservopolis community.
The ones I don't mix well with were not there. You know I said alhamdulillah for that, and made dua'a for them as well since the reasons for their absences were very sad. It's weird. Just because we don't get along doesn't mean I don't wish them the best. This grownup thing takes getting used to.
The theme of the camp meant that we spent a LOT of time talking about the characteristics of Jennah and Jehennam. There were a couple of repeat speakers, including one of the organizers and one of the coordinators of the Fawakih program. Plus, people from the program itself came to visit, a welcome surprise.
The highlights of my week, besides community prayer all day every day, were the swim sessions (yay all-girls swimming, TWICE), being able to float and really listen to all of the kids responses and ideas in the various programming workshops, and the calligraphy workshops. InshaAllah men are really as oblivious as we think because Sonny's brother was the calligraphy teacher. (Now that I think on it, his wife may have told him I was interested anyhow. I don't want to ponder that anymore.) He didn't have ijaza, just experience in the past, but I enjoyed his very straightforward approach to teaching and positive criticism. Alhamdulillah I learned a lot, though, and it's something I may actually want to pursue. Conservopolis doesn't have any teachers, so that'll take doing. We'll see.
ISNA is coming, and I go back to teaching next week. This year, how it has flown!
peace
TwennyTwo
Rejection stinks. This is true. It happened when I was surrounded by about 100 teenagers, 9 of whom I was responsible for. Know what? That helped me get over it all the quicker. It wasn't easy, but the kids gave me a great excuse to not be around them for a couple of hours (they played a prank on the counselors, so I needed to go change my clothes) and I got in the pimp car (which, btw, had been scraped earlier by one of the campers' cars that week- now I have to paint it) and drove in it and stopped in the dark and thought dark thoughts and talked to God before returning to see the girls to sleep. When I was done I was raw, when I woke the next morning I was absolutely okay with the whole thing. Whew.
Moving along- someone else has asked about me. Most obvious draw: he's definitely established in life, has worked a couple of careers, and people I trust know him pretty well. Most obvious drawback? He's around 16 years older than I am.
*sigh* make dua'a please. Really. I'm serious. Even just a 'Allah, please give that sister who calls herself Twenny guidance amin' will help greatly.
That, and um if I haven't stated it baldly enough, I am pretty serious about getting married. So if you know me and you know somebody, mention me. All suggestions will be entertained.
Yeah, this guy said it pretty well, entertain yourself for 9 minutes of your life:
MYNA Camp was wonderful, mashaAllah. I had a relatively small cabin, with roughly the same age group- a little younger. There were challenging personalities and deep personalities. My assistant, A, was the head counselor for the girls, and another very good friend was also counselor. And really, I get along pretty well with all of the counselors who were there. There are certain ladies with whom I have ... an ambivalent relationship. And all of these women are pretty prominent, or rather from prominent and established families in the Conservopolis community.
The ones I don't mix well with were not there. You know I said alhamdulillah for that, and made dua'a for them as well since the reasons for their absences were very sad. It's weird. Just because we don't get along doesn't mean I don't wish them the best. This grownup thing takes getting used to.
The theme of the camp meant that we spent a LOT of time talking about the characteristics of Jennah and Jehennam. There were a couple of repeat speakers, including one of the organizers and one of the coordinators of the Fawakih program. Plus, people from the program itself came to visit, a welcome surprise.
The highlights of my week, besides community prayer all day every day, were the swim sessions (yay all-girls swimming, TWICE), being able to float and really listen to all of the kids responses and ideas in the various programming workshops, and the calligraphy workshops. InshaAllah men are really as oblivious as we think because Sonny's brother was the calligraphy teacher. (Now that I think on it, his wife may have told him I was interested anyhow. I don't want to ponder that anymore.) He didn't have ijaza, just experience in the past, but I enjoyed his very straightforward approach to teaching and positive criticism. Alhamdulillah I learned a lot, though, and it's something I may actually want to pursue. Conservopolis doesn't have any teachers, so that'll take doing. We'll see.
ISNA is coming, and I go back to teaching next week. This year, how it has flown!
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Yay, meme love!
Assalamu Alaikum,
Yes, I got meme love from Lucky Fatima:
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.
WHOOOHOOO!!!! I love this meme because, well, y'all know how I am about music. Because I am that way, I'm counting multiple songs from the same CD as one song. Sorry. Had to cheat, otherwise a 5 minute meme could take way too much time just for making decisions!
Also, I think all of my songs are old because I'm like Fatima, if it rocks it rocks forever.
1. Outlandish, 'Callin U' and 'Aisha'
2. Alicia Keys, 'Unbreakable'(MTV Unplugged)
3. Mateo, 'Tomorrow' and 'Can't Let Her Go'- shoot, the whole 'Human' LP
4. Sami Yusuf, 'Hasbi Rabbi' and 'Ya RasulUllah'
5. Native Deen, 'Life's Worth'
6. Billy Joel, 'Always a Woman
7. Shakira, 'La Tortura'.
Make of that what you will. InshaAllah people actually see this tag: ummmm
Shoot, who should I tag?
You! Also, I'm tagging some people who know me and others who I just love to read, to see who's looking. Shabana, Y at Joy Unexpected, Nzingha, Safiya. Have fun!
Yes, I got meme love from Lucky Fatima:
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.
WHOOOHOOO!!!! I love this meme because, well, y'all know how I am about music. Because I am that way, I'm counting multiple songs from the same CD as one song. Sorry. Had to cheat, otherwise a 5 minute meme could take way too much time just for making decisions!
Also, I think all of my songs are old because I'm like Fatima, if it rocks it rocks forever.
1. Outlandish, 'Callin U' and 'Aisha'
2. Alicia Keys, 'Unbreakable'(MTV Unplugged)
3. Mateo, 'Tomorrow' and 'Can't Let Her Go'- shoot, the whole 'Human' LP
4. Sami Yusuf, 'Hasbi Rabbi' and 'Ya RasulUllah'
5. Native Deen, 'Life's Worth'
6. Billy Joel, 'Always a Woman
7. Shakira, 'La Tortura'.
Make of that what you will. InshaAllah people actually see this tag: ummmm
Shoot, who should I tag?
You! Also, I'm tagging some people who know me and others who I just love to read, to see who's looking. Shabana, Y at Joy Unexpected, Nzingha, Safiya. Have fun!
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Nuh-Uh! Me?!
assalamu Alaikum,
Oh my goodness!
I think I got into the Fawakih Program!
Weird, though, I'm not sure. I think I was because I was enrolled into a Sunni Path Arabic course, randomly.
Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I'm so excited, and yet this means a lot of stuff to do- travel and lodging arrangements, somehow get a computer (!)...
I shouldn't be so excited. It might be someone playing around. Still, I don't think SunniPath would send me something if it weren't legit.
Still, I'm mad excited. I hope it's true! Make dua'a for me... takbir!
peace
TwennyTwo
Oh my goodness!
I think I got into the Fawakih Program!
Weird, though, I'm not sure. I think I was because I was enrolled into a Sunni Path Arabic course, randomly.
Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I'm so excited, and yet this means a lot of stuff to do- travel and lodging arrangements, somehow get a computer (!)...
I shouldn't be so excited. It might be someone playing around. Still, I don't think SunniPath would send me something if it weren't legit.
Still, I'm mad excited. I hope it's true! Make dua'a for me... takbir!
peace
TwennyTwo
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