peace,
I must've heard about it just as the news was coming out, around 10:45 AM or so.
In the next couple of hours, as the numbers rose, all I could do was make dua'a. Ya, Rabbi, surround those people with your safety and awareness. Keep them connected to You. Touch the heart of the shooter, Lord.
And as the toll went higher: Have mercy on the living and the dead. Mercy, please.
I live not too far from where this young man's parents lived. This is unfortunately the biggest news here. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
get me outta here!
peace,
that last post was long, wasn't it?
Get me outta heeeere!
Sorry, boredom/irritation with work.
peace
that last post was long, wasn't it?
Get me outta heeeere!
Sorry, boredom/irritation with work.
peace
Thursday, April 12, 2007
telephone call
peace,
I don't think this is going to be a very coherent post, but I think it's going to be a very long one. If you know me, you may want to avert your eyes. My natural frankness has been suppressed and I"m letting go.
I wish I had a telephone and a friend to call. I mean, I have both of those things but neither fits the bill, y'know? I guess that's why I blog. I'm not feeling very secure right now, but I am feeling tired and lonely and um. not privileged. Things I need to talk out. I've got so many blog entries stored up in my head it's ridiculous. SO I'm at my job after hours (which I was fussed at severely for doing last week) and instead of doing my taxes (which I've been trying to do since I had all the papers together in FEBRUARY, mind) I'm getting all those entries out in bits and pieces.
I went to the MSA East Zone conference this past weekend. I enjoyed it. Meeting so many young Muslims was very cool, inspiring, etc. So why am I frustrated now? I'm not sure.
We drove down to Florida, mashaAllah while it was snowing up here, I was soaking up some warm sunshine. My executive director essentially told me that I HAD to take a break. I really was stressed out, to the point where I got sick with the phlegmy-congestiony-hoopalahpa on Wednesday, before we left on Thursday.
Ooh, on Wednesday, we had the greatest meeting up at this One Local University (OLU) with a name similar to AlmaMater's. We met with higher-ups in their department of education, to discuss developing our test. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I'm mad excited to see my hard work paying off.
I wish that were the only thing I had to focus on. I'm not happy with my job and REALLY not happy that I had to cancel the interview I'd scheduled for today at another place. Now someone'll come along and tell me to just bear it, that the few fun/fulfilling moments are those I"m lucky to have. I'm not supposed to like my job. Am I crazy for wanting to be happy with my work, even as I work to improve? I think I'm in the wrong field... but definitely in the wrong office.
I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take the loans and go to nursing school or something. I've got to get going on what I KNOW will be what I want. I need a change. I'm restless. I'm not quite depressed but not happy and not normal. Just kinda bleh. I'm not meeting my goals, I feel like I'm marking time.
Back to East Zone. Last time I went to EZ was four years ago, and it seriously inspired me in my pursuit of Islam. SO I was disappointed that I didn't get as much out of it this year. I'm sure that had to do with the fact that I"m four years older and the entire time I was there I was hanging with a crowd of peeps a bit younger than I. While it was fun socially, I feel like it didn't do much for my deen.
It helped me realize something, though: I have got to get married.
Y'all have heard this before. I know. Hell, this thought goes through my head every day. Know how people say folk can think about sex up to every seven minutes or seven seconds or something like that? Well, yeah, that and making my life with another person to learn with and pray with and fight with and live with and love with there by my side. Only the most important drives are enough to take up your consciousness every seven minutes, right? I grew up with the New Testament refrain resounding in my head, "better to marry than to burn" and I'm getting to the point where I feel like burning is an inevitable and immediate part of my future and I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY.
This is a sore point.
One night as we sat on our slippery satin hotel covers, feet swinging between the beds, I was talking to Leila, a roomie at the conference. And we'd had a couple of sessions that day about marriage in Islam and 'assisted marriage' as opposed to arranged marriages (um, the upshot of the "You had me at salaam" session? one, you tell your parents what you want, the other they tell you what you want, but in the end they do the majority of the picking, and NO Dating Allowed as is halal of course. Big waste of time for me, but whatever) as well as "communication between the sexes" (that one was really meant for married couples though they didn't say so until we were all in the room and seated, but I gleaned some helpful things out of it) and I asked Leila, (wow, this paragraph is really train of thought, huh?) "how do you think you'll get married? Traditional, or American (those were the catchphrases we were using)?
She and the other girls had been interested in my question- they wanted to know, what did I want to ask them so badly? See, during the session with Imam Magid (yeah, we went all the way to Florida to hear sessions by Imam Magid, which ended up good in that I got to bend his ear about something that has been bothering me about ADAMS, but why did I have to go to Orlando to do all that?) and Dr. Yasmine, I sat in the front (but I always sit in the front, that's nothing new) and then when the Q/A session came, had my hand allll in the air, waving it around, etc. Finally, when the guys started bringing up questions that they'd written on note cards, I busted out my green pen and wrote my own question. Now, the moderator (and also the daughter in law of Dr. Yasmine the speaker if that mattered) had given me the 'nod' as if to say, "you're next", but then ignored me, and when I took my question to her, they both ignored it as well. The girls sat several rows behind me, so they saw me get up, they saw the other girls get up and take their questions and have them answered, so all these hours later (it must've been 2AM by the time Leila and I got to this question) they wanted to know.
I asked :
I don't give up easy, in fact I'm pretty well known for the way I Keep. Asking. Questions. until I get an answer on the things that matter to me. So I went up to Dr. Yasmine after the session and asked again. Of course, she pointed out the "Adopt an Auntie" suggestion that she'd made early in her speech. My problem is that I've done that, and it hasn't worked. I either ended up with nothing to show for it b/c the 'aunties' were either lazy or very very picky on my behalf , or I got hooked up with the dishonest men who were out for mut'a marriage(ASTAGHFIRULLAH) or second/third wives. Or the former jailbirds.
Man I was so discouraged. I thanked the sister because she did give me her card, and I'm writing her, but...
I'll get back to that in a second.
That night I really envied Leila the ability to respond as she did, in part: " I don't think there's anything wrong with going from my father's house to my husband's house. My dad... Islam is his life," she said, saying that he reinforced with her that it was always her choice, because that's mandated by the Qur'an. Her answer was that she might very well go the traditional route, but that her father (her mother died, may she have peace) told her that if she finds a man who's nice, and they get to know each other in a halal way, then he'll accept that too. Basically she said that she'll be married young, and that while one side of her family wants to push her to do the independent woman, own apartment, make money etc. thing, she's not into it, her dad agrees that she shouldn't have to, and she's lucky to be able to choose that and feel tis a legitimate and acceptable choice.
I... how to explain how I felt? I didn't quite envy her, because I was happy that her situation allowed her to do that even as mine pretty much completely excludes that. But felt a kinship in the certainty that she had that getting married young was going to be her choice and the right choice for her and she was fine with that even if it was against the mainstream. I think she's really lucky to have her father be allll about supporting her in an Islamically correct choice.
I'd told her that the reason I'd asked that question is because my parents are the opposite; my father still mentions the days of when I told him I wanted to graduate college and get married right off with disgust. You know how people kind of save things up to throw at you later during an argument? That's how I know how he views it. And I mean, yeah, for him, secular/Christian him, why go to college if you're going to get married right away? Why waste your brain in your youth by having kids right off? You can have sex anyway, people shack up and no one seems to stop them, so the idea of getting married so early is one that gives disgust. I don't agree but I know how he thinks.
My mother also pulled away from the idea of helping me search for different reasons- I think it's against everything she knows. The idea is foreign and uncomfortable. And yeah, some of it has to do with my issues; when I told her I don't date (still don't, heh, every attempt went disastrously, remind me to tell you about that sometime- let's just say that I dont' like it for now) she asked, "But, Twenny, if you don't date, how will you find someone? How will you know how that person is?"
Typical American argument. I guess I find it illegitimate because I feel if people who know both parties well do the search, and both parties are allowed to know each other well enough to truly consent to the marriage, then, you can get married without sharing a lot of the, what, fitna? that comes with girl/boyfriendhood here in the US dating culture. But later in that conversation she also let me know that I need to open up a little. I am very guarded with men, and with my feelings in general. For some people spending too much, or appearing with a hair out of place in public is their big deal, the thing they guard against- for me, well, I don't like having my trust or my emotions betrayed (yes, no one does, but for me it's that thing, and I'll get over looking crazy in a random picture before I forget exactly the circumstance under which I was hurt. I'm working on it, but at the same time it's been that way as long as i can recall.) Ain't that many people who know me, the real me, and not the images I project. I'm changing that, but what she said was that it was keeping me from getting dates, which is part of the point of my facades.
So, since I've been 19, I've not lived in the same city of my parents, where I grew up, for more than 2 weeks at a time. I only say 19, because I did spend the summer after freshman year there. Which is why I haven't done it again. The problem is probably me, not my parents or the city (it's kind of ridiculous to say a whole city is an issue with you, right?), but at the same time, since that first summer, the acquaintances I did have largely left the area, and I've always reached my limit at about 2 weeks.
SO my question really went... not unanswered but unfulfilled and I'm still asking. All the women (heck, and the men but they have much less of an issue from what I've heard, correct me if I'm wrong, please)
Leila and Reea and I also discussed the lack of an 'Alim (spelling, y'all?) at the MSA EZ conference. This was a picking point for both of them. So I had to ask what an alim is and then I let them explain why this was such a big deal. See, the point of one of the conference sessions went something like, "Americans, and Muslims: making your mark on Islam" or similar, and the speaker there was AMAZING. He was talking bout the infrastructure of the USA and how we as muslims can't do everything our community needs if we only educate ourselves to be doctors and lawyers, because those professions among others feed into some non-islamic conditions already tearing down our people here. His great example was about the doctor who wanted to provide free care. If Islam requires us to give charity and that can and should be time as well as money, then, wow, he was doing a great thing,r ight? He was fired, because American systems are set up to be all about money. Not that that's wrong, but it's not an islamic system, and to build up islamic ideals in this country, we've got to be able to branch out to provide all types of expertise and alternatives that we need. While that was interesting, the point Reea and Leila made was that this brother came with the hardcore evidence from the Qur'an and hadiths. Yes, multiple. The girls said (and I reflected and agreed) that he was really the ONLY speaker on a semi-secular issue who kept what he said Qur'an based and Islam focused, instead of stating an ayah at the beginning or end and tying their professional expertise to it instead of explaining the expertise from the Islamic bases (if they existed). Leila went so far as to say that they should've brought an alim over, which brought my original objection that this is an american conference, don't we have alims (alimeen? alimat?) here? She said yea, there're schools for that, but the point is that the deen-intensive learning wasn't there.
And we all agreed that there needs to be another version of EZ- but this one needs to be deen-intensive. No competition for the Qiyam ulLayl or the doing dhikr outside with Imam Zaid Shakir (I'm Still Mad I missed that one, since I'd've preferred to be there instead of where I was but it was rather hush hush).
There were also some pretty funny things going down. I got called "Mom" by like half the peeps from DC region. Not sure why- I think b/c of my OC tendency to be super prepared, so I had like this huge bag full of food in the car... but also how I had a blanket when we stopped to pray along the way and the gazebo had bird poop all over the floor...and how I'm big enough for Elle to jump all over me and hug me and shriek, "Moooom!" without completely falling over and how it wasn't a thang for me to go up to this guy one of the girls wanted to talk to and be like, "Ey, son, you tryna get married?" (No, I wasn't that ghetto, but yes I did that. He blushed his way through that one, gave me his fb name, so that I could find out there that he's with some girl named M___e- dude, I was straightforward with you, guess you're shy?) Hi-LARIOUS. I also got the same girl to get the info of a guy (Okay, his name was like Munawar? Minabar? I'm terrible!) who caught my eye, but I don't know if he knew it was for me. She was vague about this. Hmm.
Not everything was so focused. I met an amazing woman who is cubana, a convert married to a born muslim, and was there with her three (hiskool/college aged) kids, all of whom were awesome, mashAllah. She's been Muslim for 30 years and married for 22, and she knew EXACTLY what I'm going through. It was such a relief to meet someone like that. You have no idea. I adopted her on the spot, but she lives in Southern FL, boooo. Email shall have to suffice. I can't tell you how awesome it was to meet her though. I don't want to give away too much info , this blog is public, but it was definitely ironic the way I met her. We ended up chit chatting in Spanish- at least until my "child" Elle interrupted. I did some shopping and now officially own enough hijabs to make it through the summer without the pashmina that kept me through the cold winter. Yay! I also bought these books, Companions of the Prophet, that are an amazingly good read. I got pretty absorbed into them on the way back and it's my subway companion now.
The trip up and back was long but rewarding, at least on the way back. On the way down I totally slept most of the way, since I had that hoopalahpa thing going and was drugged up. I figured out about halfway through the first day of the conference that the drugs were hurting more than they helped. So we did the leg down with me (yeah, 6'2" me), Elle, and Leila in the backseat, and Mahmood and Neal in the front driving. Eh. Halfway through I was shrieking and demanding to be let out to stretch my joints- my knees were on fire- but other than that, it was your standard long road trip. I"m almost immune after years of 13-hour trips between Ohio and Alabama as a kid.
On the way back, Talib and the other drivers had done some switching around to allow for those who wanted to get back to DC Metro area earlier and those who wanted to go to Universal Studios. The in-betweens fell in my car: me, Mahmood, and Reea. I started in the backseat, but was so uncomfortable that both Mahmood and Reea suggested that I moved to the front. Mahmood hadn't talked much on the trip down, and I'd arranged my trip in 'his' car by email through a friend of a friend, so I didn't really know him and thought he was a kinda strict but good-hearted person, who cracked crazy jokes in emails, one who didn't socialize with women but was nice enough to give us a ride since we all needed one. Y'know, fisabilillah.
Naturally though I wanted to ride in the front and not be in agony allll the way back to DC, I didn't want to make the driver of the car uncomfortable, so I was cool with staying in the backseat and making him stop ever so often so I could stretch. So I was suprised when he goes, "Well, most girls are more comfortable riding in the back seat..." when Reea said that basically he'd become our driver since Neal went to Disney. HA! I'm not nor have I ever been most girls. I jumped in the front.
I almost wish I hadn't, though. Fifteen hours, eight lecture tapes, a bucket of chicken ,one $350 speeding ticket and countless exchanged words later, I've got a crush on Mahmood. SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Reea was in the car. So so glad.
That hadith about shaitan being the third when a man and woman are alone? Dude, I used to dismiss it, then I believed but academically, but, y'all, Sis. TwennyTwo has seen the light. Especially since this is no one I had even thought about thinking about until we were almost at the end of the trip. Beyond not my type (actually, he's short, dresses like whatever, otherwise he's smart and up on news, knows a lot about Islam, a great qari, even Reea said we share a sense of humor... hey wait! I'm supposed to be convincing myself NOT to like this guy! Gotta stick with the program!) And prolly (inshaAllah) I won't be thinking him about once the memories of the trip fades. And especially since I had the most embarassing and foul... um... breaking of wind... right as I was getting out of the car. HORRIBLE. Horrible. QUE VERGUENZA! After I'd called a male friend for directions from my house to Reea's university in the district at 3AM- (my friend D for those who follow the blog at all) and he answered my call. I imagined that didn't look too good either. Mahmood was all, " Thanks, D, now TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!" in a funny way, of course. And Reea thought I was saying "dad", not "D", but they were both profusely thankful even as I know they were wondering, "What kind of friend answers phone calls at 3AM?"
So ha. No liking of Mahmood.
geesh.
Some of y'all remember the crush of a couple weeks ago. I found out that he was just playing. I still talk to him, but much less than before. Someone said something during one of the conferences- something like,
See? Witness the above. I have my issues- I realize I like someone and then either wait for him to say something or try to convince myself that what I think /feel isn't real, or that I need him to validate it from his side of things. I tell myself that it's not there and it's not that deep if it is.
At the same time, I know what I want- I want to be married. I think I'm sabotaging myself. At least I'm having some fun while doing it, but yo, I'd rather not do it!
Wow, I've been writing for two and a half hours, this is going to be one heckuva post. I didn't even get to tell y'all how I met Baba 'Ali (nope, Ididn't take a picture, but there's now a challenge to me in there) or about how close I am to quitting my day job... yeah, I'm still singing that song. But it'll have to wait, my Lord and 'Isha prayer and then my house call me. Insha'Allah, soon.
peace
TwennyTwo
I don't think this is going to be a very coherent post, but I think it's going to be a very long one. If you know me, you may want to avert your eyes. My natural frankness has been suppressed and I"m letting go.
I wish I had a telephone and a friend to call. I mean, I have both of those things but neither fits the bill, y'know? I guess that's why I blog. I'm not feeling very secure right now, but I am feeling tired and lonely and um. not privileged. Things I need to talk out. I've got so many blog entries stored up in my head it's ridiculous. SO I'm at my job after hours (which I was fussed at severely for doing last week) and instead of doing my taxes (which I've been trying to do since I had all the papers together in FEBRUARY, mind) I'm getting all those entries out in bits and pieces.
I went to the MSA East Zone conference this past weekend. I enjoyed it. Meeting so many young Muslims was very cool, inspiring, etc. So why am I frustrated now? I'm not sure.
We drove down to Florida, mashaAllah while it was snowing up here, I was soaking up some warm sunshine. My executive director essentially told me that I HAD to take a break. I really was stressed out, to the point where I got sick with the phlegmy-congestiony-hoopalahpa on Wednesday, before we left on Thursday.
Ooh, on Wednesday, we had the greatest meeting up at this One Local University (OLU) with a name similar to AlmaMater's. We met with higher-ups in their department of education, to discuss developing our test. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I'm mad excited to see my hard work paying off.
I wish that were the only thing I had to focus on. I'm not happy with my job and REALLY not happy that I had to cancel the interview I'd scheduled for today at another place. Now someone'll come along and tell me to just bear it, that the few fun/fulfilling moments are those I"m lucky to have. I'm not supposed to like my job. Am I crazy for wanting to be happy with my work, even as I work to improve? I think I'm in the wrong field... but definitely in the wrong office.
I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take the loans and go to nursing school or something. I've got to get going on what I KNOW will be what I want. I need a change. I'm restless. I'm not quite depressed but not happy and not normal. Just kinda bleh. I'm not meeting my goals, I feel like I'm marking time.
Back to East Zone. Last time I went to EZ was four years ago, and it seriously inspired me in my pursuit of Islam. SO I was disappointed that I didn't get as much out of it this year. I'm sure that had to do with the fact that I"m four years older and the entire time I was there I was hanging with a crowd of peeps a bit younger than I. While it was fun socially, I feel like it didn't do much for my deen.
It helped me realize something, though: I have got to get married.
Y'all have heard this before. I know. Hell, this thought goes through my head every day. Know how people say folk can think about sex up to every seven minutes or seven seconds or something like that? Well, yeah, that and making my life with another person to learn with and pray with and fight with and live with and love with there by my side. Only the most important drives are enough to take up your consciousness every seven minutes, right? I grew up with the New Testament refrain resounding in my head, "better to marry than to burn" and I'm getting to the point where I feel like burning is an inevitable and immediate part of my future and I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY.
This is a sore point.
One night as we sat on our slippery satin hotel covers, feet swinging between the beds, I was talking to Leila, a roomie at the conference. And we'd had a couple of sessions that day about marriage in Islam and 'assisted marriage' as opposed to arranged marriages (um, the upshot of the "You had me at salaam" session? one, you tell your parents what you want, the other they tell you what you want, but in the end they do the majority of the picking, and NO Dating Allowed as is halal of course. Big waste of time for me, but whatever) as well as "communication between the sexes" (that one was really meant for married couples though they didn't say so until we were all in the room and seated, but I gleaned some helpful things out of it) and I asked Leila, (wow, this paragraph is really train of thought, huh?) "how do you think you'll get married? Traditional, or American (those were the catchphrases we were using)?
She and the other girls had been interested in my question- they wanted to know, what did I want to ask them so badly? See, during the session with Imam Magid (yeah, we went all the way to Florida to hear sessions by Imam Magid, which ended up good in that I got to bend his ear about something that has been bothering me about ADAMS, but why did I have to go to Orlando to do all that?) and Dr. Yasmine, I sat in the front (but I always sit in the front, that's nothing new) and then when the Q/A session came, had my hand allll in the air, waving it around, etc. Finally, when the guys started bringing up questions that they'd written on note cards, I busted out my green pen and wrote my own question. Now, the moderator (and also the daughter in law of Dr. Yasmine the speaker if that mattered) had given me the 'nod' as if to say, "you're next", but then ignored me, and when I took my question to her, they both ignored it as well. The girls sat several rows behind me, so they saw me get up, they saw the other girls get up and take their questions and have them answered, so all these hours later (it must've been 2AM by the time Leila and I got to this question) they wanted to know.
I asked :
"How would you advise young people who really want to get married but have to go through the process "family-free"? I'm a convert, but I'm also thinking of kids who have very little interested family or people who are more practising than their parents."Do y'all know that question was completely ignored in the general session?
I don't give up easy, in fact I'm pretty well known for the way I Keep. Asking. Questions. until I get an answer on the things that matter to me. So I went up to Dr. Yasmine after the session and asked again. Of course, she pointed out the "Adopt an Auntie" suggestion that she'd made early in her speech. My problem is that I've done that, and it hasn't worked. I either ended up with nothing to show for it b/c the 'aunties' were either lazy or very very picky on my behalf , or I got hooked up with the dishonest men who were out for mut'a marriage(ASTAGHFIRULLAH) or second/third wives. Or the former jailbirds.
Man I was so discouraged. I thanked the sister because she did give me her card, and I'm writing her, but...
I'll get back to that in a second.
That night I really envied Leila the ability to respond as she did, in part: " I don't think there's anything wrong with going from my father's house to my husband's house. My dad... Islam is his life," she said, saying that he reinforced with her that it was always her choice, because that's mandated by the Qur'an. Her answer was that she might very well go the traditional route, but that her father (her mother died, may she have peace) told her that if she finds a man who's nice, and they get to know each other in a halal way, then he'll accept that too. Basically she said that she'll be married young, and that while one side of her family wants to push her to do the independent woman, own apartment, make money etc. thing, she's not into it, her dad agrees that she shouldn't have to, and she's lucky to be able to choose that and feel tis a legitimate and acceptable choice.
I... how to explain how I felt? I didn't quite envy her, because I was happy that her situation allowed her to do that even as mine pretty much completely excludes that. But felt a kinship in the certainty that she had that getting married young was going to be her choice and the right choice for her and she was fine with that even if it was against the mainstream. I think she's really lucky to have her father be allll about supporting her in an Islamically correct choice.
I'd told her that the reason I'd asked that question is because my parents are the opposite; my father still mentions the days of when I told him I wanted to graduate college and get married right off with disgust. You know how people kind of save things up to throw at you later during an argument? That's how I know how he views it. And I mean, yeah, for him, secular/Christian him, why go to college if you're going to get married right away? Why waste your brain in your youth by having kids right off? You can have sex anyway, people shack up and no one seems to stop them, so the idea of getting married so early is one that gives disgust. I don't agree but I know how he thinks.
My mother also pulled away from the idea of helping me search for different reasons- I think it's against everything she knows. The idea is foreign and uncomfortable. And yeah, some of it has to do with my issues; when I told her I don't date (still don't, heh, every attempt went disastrously, remind me to tell you about that sometime- let's just say that I dont' like it for now) she asked, "But, Twenny, if you don't date, how will you find someone? How will you know how that person is?"
Typical American argument. I guess I find it illegitimate because I feel if people who know both parties well do the search, and both parties are allowed to know each other well enough to truly consent to the marriage, then, you can get married without sharing a lot of the, what, fitna? that comes with girl/boyfriendhood here in the US dating culture. But later in that conversation she also let me know that I need to open up a little. I am very guarded with men, and with my feelings in general. For some people spending too much, or appearing with a hair out of place in public is their big deal, the thing they guard against- for me, well, I don't like having my trust or my emotions betrayed (yes, no one does, but for me it's that thing, and I'll get over looking crazy in a random picture before I forget exactly the circumstance under which I was hurt. I'm working on it, but at the same time it's been that way as long as i can recall.) Ain't that many people who know me, the real me, and not the images I project. I'm changing that, but what she said was that it was keeping me from getting dates, which is part of the point of my facades.
So, since I've been 19, I've not lived in the same city of my parents, where I grew up, for more than 2 weeks at a time. I only say 19, because I did spend the summer after freshman year there. Which is why I haven't done it again. The problem is probably me, not my parents or the city (it's kind of ridiculous to say a whole city is an issue with you, right?), but at the same time, since that first summer, the acquaintances I did have largely left the area, and I've always reached my limit at about 2 weeks.
SO my question really went... not unanswered but unfulfilled and I'm still asking. All the women (heck, and the men but they have much less of an issue from what I've heard, correct me if I'm wrong, please)
Leila and Reea and I also discussed the lack of an 'Alim (spelling, y'all?) at the MSA EZ conference. This was a picking point for both of them. So I had to ask what an alim is and then I let them explain why this was such a big deal. See, the point of one of the conference sessions went something like, "Americans, and Muslims: making your mark on Islam" or similar, and the speaker there was AMAZING. He was talking bout the infrastructure of the USA and how we as muslims can't do everything our community needs if we only educate ourselves to be doctors and lawyers, because those professions among others feed into some non-islamic conditions already tearing down our people here. His great example was about the doctor who wanted to provide free care. If Islam requires us to give charity and that can and should be time as well as money, then, wow, he was doing a great thing,r ight? He was fired, because American systems are set up to be all about money. Not that that's wrong, but it's not an islamic system, and to build up islamic ideals in this country, we've got to be able to branch out to provide all types of expertise and alternatives that we need. While that was interesting, the point Reea and Leila made was that this brother came with the hardcore evidence from the Qur'an and hadiths. Yes, multiple. The girls said (and I reflected and agreed) that he was really the ONLY speaker on a semi-secular issue who kept what he said Qur'an based and Islam focused, instead of stating an ayah at the beginning or end and tying their professional expertise to it instead of explaining the expertise from the Islamic bases (if they existed). Leila went so far as to say that they should've brought an alim over, which brought my original objection that this is an american conference, don't we have alims (alimeen? alimat?) here? She said yea, there're schools for that, but the point is that the deen-intensive learning wasn't there.
And we all agreed that there needs to be another version of EZ- but this one needs to be deen-intensive. No competition for the Qiyam ulLayl or the doing dhikr outside with Imam Zaid Shakir (I'm Still Mad I missed that one, since I'd've preferred to be there instead of where I was but it was rather hush hush).
There were also some pretty funny things going down. I got called "Mom" by like half the peeps from DC region. Not sure why- I think b/c of my OC tendency to be super prepared, so I had like this huge bag full of food in the car... but also how I had a blanket when we stopped to pray along the way and the gazebo had bird poop all over the floor...and how I'm big enough for Elle to jump all over me and hug me and shriek, "Moooom!" without completely falling over and how it wasn't a thang for me to go up to this guy one of the girls wanted to talk to and be like, "Ey, son, you tryna get married?" (No, I wasn't that ghetto, but yes I did that. He blushed his way through that one, gave me his fb name, so that I could find out there that he's with some girl named M___e- dude, I was straightforward with you, guess you're shy?) Hi-LARIOUS. I also got the same girl to get the info of a guy (Okay, his name was like Munawar? Minabar? I'm terrible!) who caught my eye, but I don't know if he knew it was for me. She was vague about this. Hmm.
Not everything was so focused. I met an amazing woman who is cubana, a convert married to a born muslim, and was there with her three (hiskool/college aged) kids, all of whom were awesome, mashAllah. She's been Muslim for 30 years and married for 22, and she knew EXACTLY what I'm going through. It was such a relief to meet someone like that. You have no idea. I adopted her on the spot, but she lives in Southern FL, boooo. Email shall have to suffice. I can't tell you how awesome it was to meet her though. I don't want to give away too much info , this blog is public, but it was definitely ironic the way I met her. We ended up chit chatting in Spanish- at least until my "child" Elle interrupted. I did some shopping and now officially own enough hijabs to make it through the summer without the pashmina that kept me through the cold winter. Yay! I also bought these books, Companions of the Prophet, that are an amazingly good read. I got pretty absorbed into them on the way back and it's my subway companion now.
The trip up and back was long but rewarding, at least on the way back. On the way down I totally slept most of the way, since I had that hoopalahpa thing going and was drugged up. I figured out about halfway through the first day of the conference that the drugs were hurting more than they helped. So we did the leg down with me (yeah, 6'2" me), Elle, and Leila in the backseat, and Mahmood and Neal in the front driving. Eh. Halfway through I was shrieking and demanding to be let out to stretch my joints- my knees were on fire- but other than that, it was your standard long road trip. I"m almost immune after years of 13-hour trips between Ohio and Alabama as a kid.
On the way back, Talib and the other drivers had done some switching around to allow for those who wanted to get back to DC Metro area earlier and those who wanted to go to Universal Studios. The in-betweens fell in my car: me, Mahmood, and Reea. I started in the backseat, but was so uncomfortable that both Mahmood and Reea suggested that I moved to the front. Mahmood hadn't talked much on the trip down, and I'd arranged my trip in 'his' car by email through a friend of a friend, so I didn't really know him and thought he was a kinda strict but good-hearted person, who cracked crazy jokes in emails, one who didn't socialize with women but was nice enough to give us a ride since we all needed one. Y'know, fisabilillah.
Naturally though I wanted to ride in the front and not be in agony allll the way back to DC, I didn't want to make the driver of the car uncomfortable, so I was cool with staying in the backseat and making him stop ever so often so I could stretch. So I was suprised when he goes, "Well, most girls are more comfortable riding in the back seat..." when Reea said that basically he'd become our driver since Neal went to Disney. HA! I'm not nor have I ever been most girls. I jumped in the front.
I almost wish I hadn't, though. Fifteen hours, eight lecture tapes, a bucket of chicken ,one $350 speeding ticket and countless exchanged words later, I've got a crush on Mahmood. SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Reea was in the car. So so glad.
That hadith about shaitan being the third when a man and woman are alone? Dude, I used to dismiss it, then I believed but academically, but, y'all, Sis. TwennyTwo has seen the light. Especially since this is no one I had even thought about thinking about until we were almost at the end of the trip. Beyond not my type (actually, he's short, dresses like whatever, otherwise he's smart and up on news, knows a lot about Islam, a great qari, even Reea said we share a sense of humor... hey wait! I'm supposed to be convincing myself NOT to like this guy! Gotta stick with the program!) And prolly (inshaAllah) I won't be thinking him about once the memories of the trip fades. And especially since I had the most embarassing and foul... um... breaking of wind... right as I was getting out of the car. HORRIBLE. Horrible. QUE VERGUENZA! After I'd called a male friend for directions from my house to Reea's university in the district at 3AM- (my friend D for those who follow the blog at all) and he answered my call. I imagined that didn't look too good either. Mahmood was all, " Thanks, D, now TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!" in a funny way, of course. And Reea thought I was saying "dad", not "D", but they were both profusely thankful even as I know they were wondering, "What kind of friend answers phone calls at 3AM?"
So ha. No liking of Mahmood.
geesh.
Some of y'all remember the crush of a couple weeks ago. I found out that he was just playing. I still talk to him, but much less than before. Someone said something during one of the conferences- something like,
See? Witness the above. I have my issues- I realize I like someone and then either wait for him to say something or try to convince myself that what I think /feel isn't real, or that I need him to validate it from his side of things. I tell myself that it's not there and it's not that deep if it is.
At the same time, I know what I want- I want to be married. I think I'm sabotaging myself. At least I'm having some fun while doing it, but yo, I'd rather not do it!
Wow, I've been writing for two and a half hours, this is going to be one heckuva post. I didn't even get to tell y'all how I met Baba 'Ali (nope, Ididn't take a picture, but there's now a challenge to me in there) or about how close I am to quitting my day job... yeah, I'm still singing that song. But it'll have to wait, my Lord and 'Isha prayer and then my house call me. Insha'Allah, soon.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, April 02, 2007
there's frustration and then there's this
Peace,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh man it has been a while, huh?
InshaAllah all two of y'all who're still reading are in the best of health and happy. I've wanted to write so many times and didn't know where to begin. I guess I was waiting for things to be worked out.
Here's the upshot: I want to be a nurse-midwife, a wife, a mother, a servant of Allah.
I'm just barely one of those things, and so in the midst of working toward the goals, I get frustrated. VERY. FRUSTRATED. Y'know? And I'm working a minimum of 40 hours a week and not being compensated. I don't like doing this. I guess I've been doing the adult equivalent of alternately being good and throwing tantrums for the past 3 weeks. Not pretty. Y'all don't need to see that.
Plus, I don't own my own computer.
So, hello to everyone. I miss you, I'm still reading you, I'm here. Happy April.
peace,
TwennyTwo
A Jasmine: recibi tu email, ya mismo, pero ahora blogger esta diciendo q. no estoy invitada. Que hago?
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh man it has been a while, huh?
InshaAllah all two of y'all who're still reading are in the best of health and happy. I've wanted to write so many times and didn't know where to begin. I guess I was waiting for things to be worked out.
Here's the upshot: I want to be a nurse-midwife, a wife, a mother, a servant of Allah.
I'm just barely one of those things, and so in the midst of working toward the goals, I get frustrated. VERY. FRUSTRATED. Y'know? And I'm working a minimum of 40 hours a week and not being compensated. I don't like doing this. I guess I've been doing the adult equivalent of alternately being good and throwing tantrums for the past 3 weeks. Not pretty. Y'all don't need to see that.
Plus, I don't own my own computer.
So, hello to everyone. I miss you, I'm still reading you, I'm here. Happy April.
peace,
TwennyTwo
A Jasmine: recibi tu email, ya mismo, pero ahora blogger esta diciendo q. no estoy invitada. Que hago?
Monday, March 19, 2007
What does it look like?
What does a cry for help look like?
Poor performance at work?
Staying out of contact with friends and family?
Sudden quitting on the job?
Is it the homeless person on the street?
Or the girl sitting next to you with the vacant stare?
Or the man who can't sit still?
What does it look like?
What if you see it? What will you do?
What if you make one? Do you get through?
What does it look like?
Poor performance at work?
Staying out of contact with friends and family?
Sudden quitting on the job?
Is it the homeless person on the street?
Or the girl sitting next to you with the vacant stare?
Or the man who can't sit still?
What does it look like?
What if you see it? What will you do?
What if you make one? Do you get through?
What does it look like?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
"Everyday is a great day"
peace,
I'm still alive, alHamdulIllah. Shabana made a comment that this American enthusiasm is such a great thing.... Shoot, don't you know I'm frontin' hard din' a mug?** I've been pretty down, but on those days I just don't write. I figured out some time ago that for whatever reason, I've got to be more self reliant and others take my kvetching as complaining instead of venting. *sigh*. So much for blogging being a release. That's a topic that comes up kinda often around the Isblogosphere, huh? Funny how sometimes I care and others I don't give a blip.
I have a friend who replies, "Alhamdulillah. Every day is a great day" whenever I ask how she's doing. It ALWAYS catches me off guard- because of how rote it is, yet unexpected. And true. I think I'm'a steal that line. All of the death and destruction of the past years need to serve as my reminder every single day.
I've got that second job I prayed so hard for, Alhamdulillah, and it's kicking my butt. I do like it though, and it's a great change from sitting all day to hauling and restocking groceries all night. I've lost another 5 lbs already, mashaAllah! The people are all nice, and normal; not a lot of teeny boppers work the night shift, which is when I work. The store is in Old Town, so let me know if you're headed that way and I'll tell you where. Lord knows I'd love to see even more friendly faces.
My day job... requires lots and lots of dua's. I'm at work and further just am too weary of the situation to go into it, but I'm so serious: I'm looking for another full-time professional position, so let a sister know if you know of one in the inside-395 DC area. ( Don't you love my specifics? I'm making istikhara on this one- hey, if I got one job that way...God always provides, wa Allahu Alim.)
calmingly,
twennytwo
* *(sorry, that means "I'm working hard on putting on a great face", for those who didn't grow up code-switching between English, Southern, and Ghettospeak.)
I'm still alive, alHamdulIllah. Shabana made a comment that this American enthusiasm is such a great thing.... Shoot, don't you know I'm frontin' hard din' a mug?** I've been pretty down, but on those days I just don't write. I figured out some time ago that for whatever reason, I've got to be more self reliant and others take my kvetching as complaining instead of venting. *sigh*. So much for blogging being a release. That's a topic that comes up kinda often around the Isblogosphere, huh? Funny how sometimes I care and others I don't give a blip.
I have a friend who replies, "Alhamdulillah. Every day is a great day" whenever I ask how she's doing. It ALWAYS catches me off guard- because of how rote it is, yet unexpected. And true. I think I'm'a steal that line. All of the death and destruction of the past years need to serve as my reminder every single day.
I've got that second job I prayed so hard for, Alhamdulillah, and it's kicking my butt. I do like it though, and it's a great change from sitting all day to hauling and restocking groceries all night. I've lost another 5 lbs already, mashaAllah! The people are all nice, and normal; not a lot of teeny boppers work the night shift, which is when I work. The store is in Old Town, so let me know if you're headed that way and I'll tell you where. Lord knows I'd love to see even more friendly faces.
My day job... requires lots and lots of dua's. I'm at work and further just am too weary of the situation to go into it, but I'm so serious: I'm looking for another full-time professional position, so let a sister know if you know of one in the inside-395 DC area. ( Don't you love my specifics? I'm making istikhara on this one- hey, if I got one job that way...God always provides, wa Allahu Alim.)
calmingly,
twennytwo
* *(sorry, that means "I'm working hard on putting on a great face", for those who didn't grow up code-switching between English, Southern, and Ghettospeak.)
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Yeah, it's a lot...
peace,
I went down the list of things that I did in the past 48-hour period yesterday with one of my friends.
And she said (bug-eyed) "Wow, isn't that a lot? How are you going to do it?"
Fiimanillah. Because around about 8 PM last night I was ready to throw a tantrum worthy of a two-year old.
Amongst other things, I moved with the help of my uncle, and I began a training. I'm gonna get screamed on for my mistakes in the training.
I was sitting in the (expensive Zip)car when I realized that through all of this, when everything is hectic, I'm content. I'm nuts, but I know what's going on, I can prioritize more easily. Turning to God is the easiest of all now.... I might just be a borderline adrenaline junkie, thus why I enjoyed EMT training so much and why I want to be a nurse. It's just something to think about.
Yeah, it's a lot, but I think I need a lot in order to do well. Hmm.
peace
I went down the list of things that I did in the past 48-hour period yesterday with one of my friends.
And she said (bug-eyed) "Wow, isn't that a lot? How are you going to do it?"
Fiimanillah. Because around about 8 PM last night I was ready to throw a tantrum worthy of a two-year old.
Amongst other things, I moved with the help of my uncle, and I began a training. I'm gonna get screamed on for my mistakes in the training.
I was sitting in the (expensive Zip)car when I realized that through all of this, when everything is hectic, I'm content. I'm nuts, but I know what's going on, I can prioritize more easily. Turning to God is the easiest of all now.... I might just be a borderline adrenaline junkie, thus why I enjoyed EMT training so much and why I want to be a nurse. It's just something to think about.
Yeah, it's a lot, but I think I need a lot in order to do well. Hmm.
peace
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Moving
peace,
I'm moving. Y'all say MashaAllah. And send chocolate to eat when the packing and moving logistics etc. are done. I cannot stand moving.
peace...
I'm moving. Y'all say MashaAllah. And send chocolate to eat when the packing and moving logistics etc. are done. I cannot stand moving.
peace...
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Testimony again
peace
A testimony:
The housing choice was as follows: room with 2 women in Rosslyn, or room with one man in the area where I live now- but even closer to my job; right across the street, in fact. Which was really no choice at all,- I like Rosslyn and it's on the train line, if a bit more expensive- until I got the call that the girls in Rosslyn would need a co-signer, or IF their roomie agreed, she'd stay on the lease and I'd take over her payments. Which meant, that my spot in the room wasn't certain at all. And that if I wanted to know know where I'd be living come next Wednesday, I needed to go with the choice that wasn't a choice, living with non-mahram (very nice christian but NOT MAHRAM, hello) man right across the street from work where I'd never escape.
And I flipped right on out, y'all. Called my mama and flipped out. She was like, "can you meditate? Or pray or something?" My everlasting shame is in my reply which I will NOT relate here. Some of y'all know me in real life.
But anyway, beforehand she'd told me, not understanding the reason for my reluctance, that she'd prefer that I live across the street from my job. When I flipped out I let her know that it's haram to live with a non-mahram man, which she did get when she understood how upset that prospect was making me. "Not proper," she said, "I understand." Because a girl always wants to please her mama deep down somewhere. It killed me when she talked me out of rejecting that option out of hand- I mean, it'd cut out transportation costs, and I'd never have issues getting to work. I just happen to not love my job and also want to really start living all parts of my life the way I'm learning I've been Told To Do.
I have got to remember Who is God and that my best interest is Always to trust GOD always always always. Last night I made istikhara on the housing. I just had to give the choice to Someone else. Today the girls offered me the place again without all the red tape. InshaAllah I'm moving to Rosslyn. God knows best and I know best and now I can do best, too.
Y'all, the relief of that. The inner tension of even considering something that I've NEVER done and that I knew to be haram and feeling forced into the choice by listening to those I trusted. The craziness that comes with not knowing. And the relief of not having to act like I can predict the future. I was so. scared. Looking for other options everywhere, none with the ability to move by next Wednesday. Searching through Muslim friends and ending up with nothing. Trying to "figure it out" myself. Astaghfirullah.
Isha came tonight and saw the tears running down my face. Wow. SubhanAllah. My favorite verse came to mind- Lord willing I'm going to memorize it. Because right now- and always- it speaks to me.
Somebody better say MashaAllah. And even if you don't I'm saying alhamdulIllah for you and all of us. God is worthy, and I will ever turn back and rely on Him. And I don't need to know, as long as Somebody I can trust knows. And that Somebody always knows. Glory. That's my testimony.
peace
me
A testimony:
The housing choice was as follows: room with 2 women in Rosslyn, or room with one man in the area where I live now- but even closer to my job; right across the street, in fact. Which was really no choice at all,- I like Rosslyn and it's on the train line, if a bit more expensive- until I got the call that the girls in Rosslyn would need a co-signer, or IF their roomie agreed, she'd stay on the lease and I'd take over her payments. Which meant, that my spot in the room wasn't certain at all. And that if I wanted to know know where I'd be living come next Wednesday, I needed to go with the choice that wasn't a choice, living with non-mahram (very nice christian but NOT MAHRAM, hello) man right across the street from work where I'd never escape.
And I flipped right on out, y'all. Called my mama and flipped out. She was like, "can you meditate? Or pray or something?" My everlasting shame is in my reply which I will NOT relate here. Some of y'all know me in real life.
But anyway, beforehand she'd told me, not understanding the reason for my reluctance, that she'd prefer that I live across the street from my job. When I flipped out I let her know that it's haram to live with a non-mahram man, which she did get when she understood how upset that prospect was making me. "Not proper," she said, "I understand." Because a girl always wants to please her mama deep down somewhere. It killed me when she talked me out of rejecting that option out of hand- I mean, it'd cut out transportation costs, and I'd never have issues getting to work. I just happen to not love my job and also want to really start living all parts of my life the way I'm learning I've been Told To Do.
I have got to remember Who is God and that my best interest is Always to trust GOD always always always. Last night I made istikhara on the housing. I just had to give the choice to Someone else. Today the girls offered me the place again without all the red tape. InshaAllah I'm moving to Rosslyn. God knows best and I know best and now I can do best, too.
Y'all, the relief of that. The inner tension of even considering something that I've NEVER done and that I knew to be haram and feeling forced into the choice by listening to those I trusted. The craziness that comes with not knowing. And the relief of not having to act like I can predict the future. I was so. scared. Looking for other options everywhere, none with the ability to move by next Wednesday. Searching through Muslim friends and ending up with nothing. Trying to "figure it out" myself. Astaghfirullah.
Isha came tonight and saw the tears running down my face. Wow. SubhanAllah. My favorite verse came to mind- Lord willing I'm going to memorize it. Because right now- and always- it speaks to me.
"Allah! There is no god but He- the Living, the Self-subsisting,
Eternal. No slumber can seize Him nor sleep. His are all things in
the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence
except as He permits? He knows what (appears to His creatures as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass anything of His knowledge except as He wills. His Throne extends over the heavens and the earth, and He feels no fatigue in guarding and preserving them for He is the Most High, the Supreme in glory."
Surah al Baqarah 2:255 (trans. by Abdullah Yusuf Ali)
Somebody better say MashaAllah. And even if you don't I'm saying alhamdulIllah for you and all of us. God is worthy, and I will ever turn back and rely on Him. And I don't need to know, as long as Somebody I can trust knows. And that Somebody always knows. Glory. That's my testimony.
peace
me
Blushes
peace,
Funny. The man is in my office and I'm glad I'm a nice chocolate-y color, because I'M BLUSHING. Word. My sister could probably tell but the general public can't. Cheeks all heated. My goodness.
He sure asks a lot of questions.
And he actually speaks Punjabi better than Urdu or Spanish, for those who are interested. MashaAllah.
tee hee hee!
peace
TwennyTwo
Funny. The man is in my office and I'm glad I'm a nice chocolate-y color, because I'M BLUSHING. Word. My sister could probably tell but the general public can't. Cheeks all heated. My goodness.
He sure asks a lot of questions.
And he actually speaks Punjabi better than Urdu or Spanish, for those who are interested. MashaAllah.
tee hee hee!
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
And then stress hits.
peace,
Ahhhh, thanks to my ladies who got what I was about in that last post. Nothing like a good crush to make you feel giddy.
Seriously, though? I've caught a couple of the dua's headed my way, and thanks to everyone, because it ain't over. The stress of the past week and what's coming up in the next two weeks are requiring serious amounts of prayer already. Please remember me in your duas.
When I took the job I have, I was hired even though I made it plain that I don't own a car. Owning a car was quite clear in the job description. Now, this later caused a brief hubbub later, when I asked my exec director to join Zipcar. She was quite firm in stating that my having a car was part of the job description. She and my then-boss went over it, since they'd hired me knowing I didn't have a car, and Zipcar wouldn't cost anything, and I drew up a proposal to that effect, I ended up with Zipcar and use it to fulfill my business duties.
But seriously? My travel to this point is now such that I'm paying $250 per month just for the privilege of using a car. As my mother exclaimed, "That's a (car) note!" And it is, nearly, but I don't have a down payment for a car, nor the $200 per month that I'd be charged for insurance here (yeah, so much for the gecko). My aunt won't sell me her car, so I'm eating that cost. At this rate I'm barely breaking even since my job pays well... and it costs well over average to live in the DC metro area. Holla if ya hear me.
I'm applying to various and sundry second jobs, and not hearing from any, but I've got to find a way to resolve the car/cash issue quickly.
Also, inshaAllah I'll move on the 28th of Feb. I still don't know where I'm moving, but hey, MashaAllah, I have a couple of options! One is convienient but... would put me in an barely tenable situation islamically; the other would make for a LOT more commuting time and travel and thus cash when I don't have any to spare (or, barely tenable economically), plus the girls there are being mad shady about my papers and credit report, making me think they've got someone else on the line (hey, I have someone else on the line, so I can't blame them, but they need to give me a decision...). There's got to be a way out of this. Please keep on praying, y'all.
So. The crush? Still doing the facebook pattycake. Whatever. It was fun to think about. Still is. I wish I didn't welcome that distraction so much.
Today I miss Puerto Rico fiercely, when the weather here turns 50 degrees, and I forget that this is freezing cold. I miss humid winds plastering my skirt to my calves, the everyday amazement of the sunsets there. I miss being able to hear Frankie Ruiz like it's nothing, meeting friends who show warmth and not just recognition when I see them on the street. Much as I struggled there, it is a place of beauty alhamdulillah. Days like these tell me I'm going back, one day, maybe to pull my husband and family with, maybe not, but I can't stay away.
peace and love
me
Ahhhh, thanks to my ladies who got what I was about in that last post. Nothing like a good crush to make you feel giddy.
Seriously, though? I've caught a couple of the dua's headed my way, and thanks to everyone, because it ain't over. The stress of the past week and what's coming up in the next two weeks are requiring serious amounts of prayer already. Please remember me in your duas.
When I took the job I have, I was hired even though I made it plain that I don't own a car. Owning a car was quite clear in the job description. Now, this later caused a brief hubbub later, when I asked my exec director to join Zipcar. She was quite firm in stating that my having a car was part of the job description. She and my then-boss went over it, since they'd hired me knowing I didn't have a car, and Zipcar wouldn't cost anything, and I drew up a proposal to that effect, I ended up with Zipcar and use it to fulfill my business duties.
But seriously? My travel to this point is now such that I'm paying $250 per month just for the privilege of using a car. As my mother exclaimed, "That's a (car) note!" And it is, nearly, but I don't have a down payment for a car, nor the $200 per month that I'd be charged for insurance here (yeah, so much for the gecko). My aunt won't sell me her car, so I'm eating that cost. At this rate I'm barely breaking even since my job pays well... and it costs well over average to live in the DC metro area. Holla if ya hear me.
I'm applying to various and sundry second jobs, and not hearing from any, but I've got to find a way to resolve the car/cash issue quickly.
Also, inshaAllah I'll move on the 28th of Feb. I still don't know where I'm moving, but hey, MashaAllah, I have a couple of options! One is convienient but... would put me in an barely tenable situation islamically; the other would make for a LOT more commuting time and travel and thus cash when I don't have any to spare (or, barely tenable economically), plus the girls there are being mad shady about my papers and credit report, making me think they've got someone else on the line (hey, I have someone else on the line, so I can't blame them, but they need to give me a decision...). There's got to be a way out of this. Please keep on praying, y'all.
So. The crush? Still doing the facebook pattycake. Whatever. It was fun to think about. Still is. I wish I didn't welcome that distraction so much.
Today I miss Puerto Rico fiercely, when the weather here turns 50 degrees, and I forget that this is freezing cold. I miss humid winds plastering my skirt to my calves, the everyday amazement of the sunsets there. I miss being able to hear Frankie Ruiz like it's nothing, meeting friends who show warmth and not just recognition when I see them on the street. Much as I struggled there, it is a place of beauty alhamdulillah. Days like these tell me I'm going back, one day, maybe to pull my husband and family with, maybe not, but I can't stay away.
peace and love
me
Friday, February 16, 2007
Okay, so, like...
peace,
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a negative post.
No, my friends, this is a very positive post.
A pink, girly, giggly post.
See... I was at an MSA Eid ulAdha event (don't start, it was excellent and the only chance I have to socialize with young Muslims), doing me, and I met these new people.
Mind you everyone there but the girl who invited me is younger than I am. And I'm NOT there for men, but for being around other young muslims. So I said my obligatory astaghfirullah, right?
We all ended up at dinner after cleaning up the event mess. The beautiful reciter was there with a couple of his friends. I listened to his conversation and he was very interesting. Now I wish I had blogged it because that night was inspiring and made me realize that MSA was really good while I was in school. I miss having plain conversation with people, without it being all sexualized, just exchanging ideas, without being at work. As I remarked to my girlfriend, "Man, that was awesome. Was I that bright at 19?"
Anyway, one of the friends of the beautiful reciters had caught my eye, but again, I was feeling old and said my astaghfirUllah. Lowering the gaze and nur on faces being what they are, I was straight. I felt good about the night. I ate (twice, but 5 hrs apart so I don't feel bad), talked, and was merry with mah peoples. I felt like I'd regained a bit of the feeling, temporarily, of what I lost when I left Christianity and unknowingly my UMYF youth group culture.
And then at the end of the night, we're all leaving, and I said something about how flippin cold ("Que FRIO, CARAaaaaa!) it was in Spanish. This curly haired deep voiced guy from the group turned around.
Now, meandirectorlady had just told me that she was looking for Spanish speakers to train (long story short, we train interpreters) from the area of MD where this particular gentleman was from. We talked so long outside the restaurant that our respective groups of friends start wandering off. I guess a conversation in a language you don't know between the tallest people in the crowd can be boring from the outside.
So I go, "hey, you want to work for me?!" that being my line of the night. I'd passed out all of my business cards to different sisters and brothers who speak languages we really need. "Yeah, un momentico...," he said, "I'm excited, you're excited, let me call you and make sure that this is something I can do."
Aiight, I thought, whatever.
He ends up calling after calling my cell and getting my voicemail, asking a bro who had got my card for the number there, calling my job, and sending me an email there.
Then began (ahem innocent) the facebook flirtation. Which, by the way, is still up between our walls for those of you who are on my facebook and care to look. Plus he stuttered (and said, can y'all believe this, 'Wow, I'm tonguetied right now, I don't know why') and stammered his way through conducting the official bizness necessary to get him into our training when I talked to him. And I'm all, I need to chill. Astaghfirullah. All that. Y'know?
And now I'm all crushalicious. But in my professional capacity, I still have to work with him, and don't need to be flirting with him. And in my dang-I'm-25 role, I don't need to be flirting with him . And in my muslima fashion, I'm tryna front like I don't like him. And in my single role, I want to know how he treats his mom and can't believe how many people incidenally are like 'that bro is on his stuff' plus? He's a sweetie.
Please excuse my airheadedness for a second:
Had to get that out before I exploded. But that's been the bright part of a coupla horrid weeks, thank you for not puking from the valley-ness of this post.
peace
me
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a negative post.
No, my friends, this is a very positive post.
A pink, girly, giggly post.
See... I was at an MSA Eid ulAdha event (don't start, it was excellent and the only chance I have to socialize with young Muslims), doing me, and I met these new people.
(Okay so picture the obligatorily tall broad brown dark guy, one of a group of similarly young brown guys, spouting 'alhamdulIllahs' after prayer here, and my head sticking out of the crowd of sparkly, squealing girls throwing out 'mashaAllahs'.)
There was one who caught my eye when he was reciting Qur'an before the event, mashaAllah. And there was one who was truly the most beautiful reciter I have ever heard in person mashaAllah.
Mind you everyone there but the girl who invited me is younger than I am. And I'm NOT there for men, but for being around other young muslims. So I said my obligatory astaghfirullah, right?
We all ended up at dinner after cleaning up the event mess. The beautiful reciter was there with a couple of his friends. I listened to his conversation and he was very interesting. Now I wish I had blogged it because that night was inspiring and made me realize that MSA was really good while I was in school. I miss having plain conversation with people, without it being all sexualized, just exchanging ideas, without being at work. As I remarked to my girlfriend, "Man, that was awesome. Was I that bright at 19?"
Anyway, one of the friends of the beautiful reciters had caught my eye, but again, I was feeling old and said my astaghfirUllah. Lowering the gaze and nur on faces being what they are, I was straight. I felt good about the night. I ate (twice, but 5 hrs apart so I don't feel bad), talked, and was merry with mah peoples. I felt like I'd regained a bit of the feeling, temporarily, of what I lost when I left Christianity and unknowingly my UMYF youth group culture.
And then at the end of the night, we're all leaving, and I said something about how flippin cold ("Que FRIO, CARAaaaaa!) it was in Spanish. This curly haired deep voiced guy from the group turned around.
He answered me back in perfect - and I mean spot-on-no-accent-straight-off-the-boat Spanish.I looked at him like "whaaa--?" It must be the same look I get when people hear muhejebah morena ME going off in Spanish. We get to talking.
Turns out he speaks like 4 languages, including Urdu and Spanish. Turns out he's half Puerto Rican. Turns out he's studying at AlmaMater. All very interesting.
Now, meandirectorlady had just told me that she was looking for Spanish speakers to train (long story short, we train interpreters) from the area of MD where this particular gentleman was from. We talked so long outside the restaurant that our respective groups of friends start wandering off. I guess a conversation in a language you don't know between the tallest people in the crowd can be boring from the outside.
So I go, "hey, you want to work for me?!" that being my line of the night. I'd passed out all of my business cards to different sisters and brothers who speak languages we really need. "Yeah, un momentico...," he said, "I'm excited, you're excited, let me call you and make sure that this is something I can do."
Aiight, I thought, whatever.
He ends up calling after calling my cell and getting my voicemail, asking a bro who had got my card for the number there, calling my job, and sending me an email there.
Brotha needed a job, I'm thinking.
Then began (ahem innocent) the facebook flirtation. Which, by the way, is still up between our walls for those of you who are on my facebook and care to look. Plus he stuttered (and said, can y'all believe this, 'Wow, I'm tonguetied right now, I don't know why') and stammered his way through conducting the official bizness necessary to get him into our training when I talked to him. And I'm all, I need to chill. Astaghfirullah. All that. Y'know?
And now I'm all crushalicious. But in my professional capacity, I still have to work with him, and don't need to be flirting with him. And in my dang-I'm-25 role, I don't need to be flirting with him . And in my muslima fashion, I'm tryna front like I don't like him. And in my single role, I want to know how he treats his mom and can't believe how many people incidenally are like 'that bro is on his stuff' plus? He's a sweetie.
Please excuse my airheadedness for a second:
Okay, so, like, ohmygoodness. I, like, know this isn't gonna turn into anything, right? I mean, what is anything, anyway? But, like, what if it does? And like, am I just imagining it? Or does he like me? Ooh mylanta and he's such a chulo! And omygosh, I have got to chill out! And he's like this super-on-the-deen guy, y'know? Yeah, mashaAllah! But he's like sooooo cute! And plus I get to see him at work, but like, my boss will be there? So even if I could say something I wouldn't? But I totally want to, because, ohmygosh, he's like, funny and muslim, and he speaks Spanish and he's sooo cute! Like ohmylanta!
Had to get that out before I exploded. But that's been the bright part of a coupla horrid weeks, thank you for not puking from the valley-ness of this post.
peace
me
Friday, February 09, 2007
Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.
peace,
Okay, so I have issues.
I didn't realize this until I had a panic attack after speaking to my father when he called my job, because he asked me, "How many jobs do you have?"
Because he called me at work.
Because he's in town.
Because he wants to see me.
Because I (only) have one job.
Because I'm nearly out of money.
Because he wants to come to my house.
Because I don't know how I'm going to move from one house to another without any money.
Because I need to be able to leave this job after experiencing the harrassment of the other day.
Because. Just because.
Panic attack. I'm talking racing heart, funny stomach pit, shaking fingers panic attack.
So I've decided to turn this around:
I'm GRATEFUL.
I'm grateful to the One true God, the Most High, the Provider.
I'm grateful that I have a job.
I'm grateful that I have telephone access at my job.
I'm grateful that my father is alive to call me.
I'm grateful that my father wants to see me and loves me.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to see my father when he lives 600 miles away.
I'm grateful that I can work more than one job.
I'm grateful that I'm open to take any evening or work job I can.
I'm grateful that I have access to a computer to "talk" myself out of panicking when nothing else is available.
I'm grateful that I'll have choices when it comes to housing. InshaAllah.
I'm grateful there's always tomorrow to look forward to; even when things are getting worse they'll eventually be better. SubhanAllah.
peace
TwennyTwo
Okay, so I have issues.
I didn't realize this until I had a panic attack after speaking to my father when he called my job, because he asked me, "How many jobs do you have?"
Because he called me at work.
Because he's in town.
Because he wants to see me.
Because I (only) have one job.
Because I'm nearly out of money.
Because he wants to come to my house.
Because I don't know how I'm going to move from one house to another without any money.
Because I need to be able to leave this job after experiencing the harrassment of the other day.
Because. Just because.
Panic attack. I'm talking racing heart, funny stomach pit, shaking fingers panic attack.
So I've decided to turn this around:
I'm GRATEFUL.
I'm grateful to the One true God, the Most High, the Provider.
I'm grateful that I have a job.
I'm grateful that I have telephone access at my job.
I'm grateful that my father is alive to call me.
I'm grateful that my father wants to see me and loves me.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to see my father when he lives 600 miles away.
I'm grateful that I can work more than one job.
I'm grateful that I'm open to take any evening or work job I can.
I'm grateful that I have access to a computer to "talk" myself out of panicking when nothing else is available.
I'm grateful that I'll have choices when it comes to housing. InshaAllah.
I'm grateful there's always tomorrow to look forward to; even when things are getting worse they'll eventually be better. SubhanAllah.
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Put a Prayer on'er!
peace,
DUDE. That same director who embarrassed me wrongly is now coming at me again. She's "upset" about a process again. I'm not. interested. in dealing with her at all today.
Please put a dua'a on me. I'm serious. Pray for sabr, forbearance, diligence, and peace. I'm doing the same.
peace
TwennyTwo
DUDE. That same director who embarrassed me wrongly is now coming at me again. She's "upset" about a process again. I'm not. interested. in dealing with her at all today.
Please put a dua'a on me. I'm serious. Pray for sabr, forbearance, diligence, and peace. I'm doing the same.
peace
TwennyTwo
Monday, February 05, 2007
plus...
peace,
plus, think of the homeless in these days, offer warm food, a blanket or even the number of a shelter if you can. The HIGH temp here is 23 deg. Fahrenheit, and the wind is so fierce that it feels like 7.
I so want to slap myself for every one of the few times I complained about the wet warmth of puerto rico...
peace
TwennyTwo
plus, think of the homeless in these days, offer warm food, a blanket or even the number of a shelter if you can. The HIGH temp here is 23 deg. Fahrenheit, and the wind is so fierce that it feels like 7.
I so want to slap myself for every one of the few times I complained about the wet warmth of puerto rico...
peace
TwennyTwo
Sunday, February 04, 2007
We belong to Allah
peace,
... and to Allah we return.
Nzingha's mother has passed away. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. I like the translation of the English that says We belong to God, and to God we return. So true.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my passive aggressive roomie, R, without resulting to passive aggression myself. Please make dua'a for me. The main problem is facing what I see as willful inconsideration toward me. I'm praying on it, and I'll ask you to do the same. The latest incident involves her telling an untruth, and I believe it was pointed at controlling my actions in a certain way, thus, so far my reaction has been to not react. But that won't last long.
I've had no luck in the house search either, or in the job search, which means at this point that I won't have enough money (1 mo plus deposit) to move to a place equal to where I live. I'm not worried, though. Just asking for patience and guidance. I keep thinking of that poem (please remind me if you know who wrote it):
The past week has been a series of steps, and i'm afraid... have to remember that reaching the edge only means I'll fly. We belong to Allah always.
peace
TwennyTwo
... and to Allah we return.
Nzingha's mother has passed away. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. I like the translation of the English that says We belong to God, and to God we return. So true.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my passive aggressive roomie, R, without resulting to passive aggression myself. Please make dua'a for me. The main problem is facing what I see as willful inconsideration toward me. I'm praying on it, and I'll ask you to do the same. The latest incident involves her telling an untruth, and I believe it was pointed at controlling my actions in a certain way, thus, so far my reaction has been to not react. But that won't last long.
I've had no luck in the house search either, or in the job search, which means at this point that I won't have enough money (1 mo plus deposit) to move to a place equal to where I live. I'm not worried, though. Just asking for patience and guidance. I keep thinking of that poem (please remind me if you know who wrote it):
come to the edge he said
no we are afraid
come to the edge he said
no we are afraid
come to the edge he said
they came
he pushed them
they flew
The past week has been a series of steps, and i'm afraid... have to remember that reaching the edge only means I'll fly. We belong to Allah always.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, February 03, 2007
UmmahFilms needs your love!
peace, y'all,
Oh, the busy day inshaAllah I have in front of me today. And yet here I am blogging.
Why? Well at 8AM on a Saturday, it's a good reason!
Ummah Films (home of Mahdi Ahmad, Baba 'Ali, and the Ankabut Baby) is working on its first short film. They've made the process pretty transparent by blogging it for the world to see, first so other new filmmakers can follow their footsteps and learn from their experience, but also in order to do some da'wah, get some positive messages out about Islam, and also, as their motto says, to remind us "Just in Case You Forgot." (ya'll say MashaAllah!)
In order to do this, they need funds, and they're raising them by selling their T-shirts, glow-in-the-dark MUSLIM wristbands, and the popular Mecca to Medina board game online. I cannot be happier with the service I've received from this company; the T-shirt I got was awesome. And hey- a halal way to raise money! And we get to see the results! Yay!
Last month they put out more t-shirts with the 'reminder' logo... and had the nerve to not put out long-sleeved XL shirts! Ack! But I (and some other sisters) let them know in a comment (without my usual acerbic working, fijate) that I really am muhejebah and appreciate the larger size for covering and... mashaAllah they now have both the black shirt with white lettering and the white shirt with black lettering in larger sizes with long sleeves!
Point: Please check out the link above, even if you don't buy anything at the moment, if you think the cause worthy, pass it along. As a young'n, I know the ever greater role media and video portrayal of muslims and Islam have in shaping how we're perceived and the thousands and millions who are making the choice to become muslim. I think this deserves our support!
Thanks.
Also, Ms. Koonj: inshaAllah your trip went well last night and you're gonna give some long lasting knowledge at this talk. Go you! I'm praying for you...
peace
TwennyTwo
Oh, the busy day inshaAllah I have in front of me today. And yet here I am blogging.
Why? Well at 8AM on a Saturday, it's a good reason!
Ummah Films (home of Mahdi Ahmad, Baba 'Ali, and the Ankabut Baby) is working on its first short film. They've made the process pretty transparent by blogging it for the world to see, first so other new filmmakers can follow their footsteps and learn from their experience, but also in order to do some da'wah, get some positive messages out about Islam, and also, as their motto says, to remind us "Just in Case You Forgot." (ya'll say MashaAllah!)
In order to do this, they need funds, and they're raising them by selling their T-shirts, glow-in-the-dark MUSLIM wristbands, and the popular Mecca to Medina board game online. I cannot be happier with the service I've received from this company; the T-shirt I got was awesome. And hey- a halal way to raise money! And we get to see the results! Yay!
Last month they put out more t-shirts with the 'reminder' logo... and had the nerve to not put out long-sleeved XL shirts! Ack! But I (and some other sisters) let them know in a comment (without my usual acerbic working, fijate) that I really am muhejebah and appreciate the larger size for covering and... mashaAllah they now have both the black shirt with white lettering and the white shirt with black lettering in larger sizes with long sleeves!
Point: Please check out the link above, even if you don't buy anything at the moment, if you think the cause worthy, pass it along. As a young'n, I know the ever greater role media and video portrayal of muslims and Islam have in shaping how we're perceived and the thousands and millions who are making the choice to become muslim. I think this deserves our support!
Thanks.
Also, Ms. Koonj: inshaAllah your trip went well last night and you're gonna give some long lasting knowledge at this talk. Go you! I'm praying for you...
peace
TwennyTwo
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Unfinished list
peace,
okay, I had to do this. It isn't a meme but more like acting on an inspiration.
First, go read A Winnebago and World Peace at Heather's spot. Then read this, a beautiful continuation of what she said and what she'd do.
Ready?
I've had that desire to tell things to people.
This is my unfinished list:
to be continued. Boy does that feel good!
okay, I had to do this. It isn't a meme but more like acting on an inspiration.
First, go read A Winnebago and World Peace at Heather's spot. Then read this, a beautiful continuation of what she said and what she'd do.
Ready?
I've had that desire to tell things to people.
This is my unfinished list:
I don't have children, but I can almost see being a parent when I look at you. You're wonderful and you make me outrageously proud all the time. All the time.
I still think about you, and I alternately curse you and pray for your wellbeing.
You're a selfish, childish, manipulative bitch, and you deserve the way he first acted when you told him.
How on earth do you just give away your children? Are you mad? The part of themselves that is you can't ever be replaced by anyone else. You might not deserve them, but they deserve even a little of you.
The best christmas ever was having you open hastily picked presents as if they were gold. I'm angry we didn't share more and I love you through the absences.
YES, I CAN and WILL finish a half marathon, asshole, and when I do, I'm letting someone else tell you about it. You won't ever hear it from me.
I adore you: your character, your art, your caring, your friendliness, your loyalty, the fact that you're never angry with me no matter how hard I work to piss you off. Thank you.
Humility is something I know I lack, and you're my shining inspiration in reaching for it. You're a muslim in christian skin, perhaps the best one i know.
First place goes to... you! You're a class act. The best, hard to top, and you don't even realize!
You're the best listener I know. Dont let money stop you from being the best your community will ever have. You can do it- and though I'm not so great, you've got an ear on me somewhere, always.
I care. I do. I just don't call/email/see you because drama then makes it harder to care for you. But I love you for your quirks. Real love, my friend.
The fact that the finding was so easy just proves that people belong to everyone. You're wrong and you know it.
That ass-whoopin you're going to wear is a good time waiting for me to happen, dearie.
You are worth all the hard work, all the effort, all the screaming and the self-discipline, the crazy looks and the misunderstandings it takes to get there. Worth. Every. Bit. Worthy: that's you.
Warrior! Where've you been?!
Push- they need it! Yes, like that! Again! Don't back down.
SO glad that friendship ended the way it did. Of course your inferiority and jealousy come before your friends. That's why you have none.
You're the one person I'd still do anything for after all this time. You proved it, so give me that chance.
Your ass isn't flat. It had nothing to do with you. I'm sorry.
I see God through you, do you know that? When I was lost and thinking about atheism, you were just yourself, a shining light to the Way. You're talented, gorgeous- always making me think that I'm not too old, after all.
You are the best thing that will ever happen to me, but your fear is poisonous, I beg you, don't pass that to me.
Shut me up, then!
Why not? You can never say that. Why the hell not? Just tell me, it can't hurt more than your NOT talking does.
I cannot stand your haircut. Please, for the love of God, don't cut it like that again, your head is round and doesn't need angles!
Your new wife is sweet and funny mashaAllah, and I wish you the best.
Honey, I never ever ever wanted him. Not even for a second. Don't flatter yourself, or him.
to be continued. Boy does that feel good!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Gotta space?
peace,
So, I went and looked over the past 5 or 6 entries here, and they're pretty negative, with the exception of my sister's graduation. I did notice that vaguely before I just kinda took a break. I needed to. I didn't start this blog with the purpose of negativity- although God knows it's turned into a source of barakah and support I didn't anticipate either.
One last entry of negative, downers. I promise. From the end of this entry, I'm going to be able to show the positive outlook I've been able to finally grasp, bit by bit, MashaAllah.
In order of importance, then:
I'm looking for a place to live, as close to Alexandria, VA as possible. Please, leave me a comment if you know of a place that is under $700/mo. I don't mind sharing a house, that's the situation I'm in now.
How this happened:
A while back I said here that my situation at home was not peaceful, that my two roomies were fighting. One of them eventually moved out (M). M was generally the nice one. The one who remained (R)is also nice when she's not being immature or not nice. Nuff Said.
My lease was supposed to be up at the beginning of February. Last week, before she left for her sister's graduation, R mentioned that she wanted to just have two roomies in the house. I was pretty straight about the fact that I couldn't afford it. And she asked when my lease was up.
Fast forward to today, when she walked into my room and mentioned that she didn't want to renew my lease. I asked why, she said, "I need peace in my home. And I think we'd be better friends if we lived apart." I didn't feel like exercising my credibility-meter (I'll leave it up to Someone Else on whether or not to believe that, since I haven't fought with anyone here), so I just said, "You know, that leaves me three days to find a place to stay." She offered me until the middle of the month to move, I said I wanted until the end of the month, which I thought quite fair. Deal struck. I'm outta here no later than 28 February. This is where I turn to those of you who read this blog and know/live in the DC metro area.
I'm now looking for a place to stay, and I'd really say SubhanAllah if I found it in the next 10 days. Living here now that that conversation took place... I'm making dua right now for patience and love for my fellow human beings at all times. I don't want anything from here to take with me, emotionally. Funny that I was just thinking that I needed to be looking into places to stay right before R walked into my room. I have no bed, just dresser, mirror, bookcase, so I'm looking into getting a second job in order to be able to move. Please also let me know if you know of a place that could use a worker after 6pm- I'm tall, I don't mind physical stuff.
The other thing is that Joy M., a friend that I went to high school with, just died. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
She was only 28. So within the space of a year two friends I went to school with have died, suddenly and unexpectedly.
It's reminders of death. And that caught me hard. It made me turn more toward God. I had been reading Purification of the Heart by Sheik Hamza Yusuf, and it kept talking about remembering death, how close it is, how fast the akhira is coming.
This particular friend was one of my "double friends". When I was in middle school and high school, my routine involved school, home, church, and community activities. MashaAllah I never had a chance to get into real trouble. My parents really made it their focus to keep us involved and grounded and working for others. I actually miss that which is another post. Point is, if I knew people, it was from one of those things, and they rarely mixed. Joy, her sister Jessica, my sister, and I all went to the same high school as well as church, and we ended up doing community events together as well. We all sang in the choir together. I'm so sad for her sister, they were so close, and now Jessica only has her mother left- her dad died at the beginning of her sr. year of high school, and her other siblings are waaaay older ( like minimum 15 years older) than she is. I made dua. But it's still sad.
Also: Things are getting stressful at my job. I'm working to improve my performance, because I want to give it my all. Please make dua for me in that, too.
I keep remembering the dua Shabana taught that one time: " I know this is from You. And it is to test me. And it is to try me. And I will be patient on it. And I will be patient on it as long as You want me to be patient on it." Over and over and over again we'll be tried. Right now I just hope I'm doing well on His tests. Ya Latif! Ya Aziz! I still firmly absolutely believe, even when it's hard.
Okay. One last negative is done. InshaAllah things will be better.
peace
TwennyTwo
So, I went and looked over the past 5 or 6 entries here, and they're pretty negative, with the exception of my sister's graduation. I did notice that vaguely before I just kinda took a break. I needed to. I didn't start this blog with the purpose of negativity- although God knows it's turned into a source of barakah and support I didn't anticipate either.
One last entry of negative, downers. I promise. From the end of this entry, I'm going to be able to show the positive outlook I've been able to finally grasp, bit by bit, MashaAllah.
In order of importance, then:
I'm looking for a place to live, as close to Alexandria, VA as possible. Please, leave me a comment if you know of a place that is under $700/mo. I don't mind sharing a house, that's the situation I'm in now.
How this happened:
A while back I said here that my situation at home was not peaceful, that my two roomies were fighting. One of them eventually moved out (M). M was generally the nice one. The one who remained (R)is also nice when she's not being immature or not nice. Nuff Said.
My lease was supposed to be up at the beginning of February. Last week, before she left for her sister's graduation, R mentioned that she wanted to just have two roomies in the house. I was pretty straight about the fact that I couldn't afford it. And she asked when my lease was up.
Fast forward to today, when she walked into my room and mentioned that she didn't want to renew my lease. I asked why, she said, "I need peace in my home. And I think we'd be better friends if we lived apart." I didn't feel like exercising my credibility-meter (I'll leave it up to Someone Else on whether or not to believe that, since I haven't fought with anyone here), so I just said, "You know, that leaves me three days to find a place to stay." She offered me until the middle of the month to move, I said I wanted until the end of the month, which I thought quite fair. Deal struck. I'm outta here no later than 28 February. This is where I turn to those of you who read this blog and know/live in the DC metro area.
I'm now looking for a place to stay, and I'd really say SubhanAllah if I found it in the next 10 days. Living here now that that conversation took place... I'm making dua right now for patience and love for my fellow human beings at all times. I don't want anything from here to take with me, emotionally. Funny that I was just thinking that I needed to be looking into places to stay right before R walked into my room. I have no bed, just dresser, mirror, bookcase, so I'm looking into getting a second job in order to be able to move. Please also let me know if you know of a place that could use a worker after 6pm- I'm tall, I don't mind physical stuff.
The other thing is that Joy M., a friend that I went to high school with, just died. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.
She was only 28. So within the space of a year two friends I went to school with have died, suddenly and unexpectedly.
It's reminders of death. And that caught me hard. It made me turn more toward God. I had been reading Purification of the Heart by Sheik Hamza Yusuf, and it kept talking about remembering death, how close it is, how fast the akhira is coming.
This particular friend was one of my "double friends". When I was in middle school and high school, my routine involved school, home, church, and community activities. MashaAllah I never had a chance to get into real trouble. My parents really made it their focus to keep us involved and grounded and working for others. I actually miss that which is another post. Point is, if I knew people, it was from one of those things, and they rarely mixed. Joy, her sister Jessica, my sister, and I all went to the same high school as well as church, and we ended up doing community events together as well. We all sang in the choir together. I'm so sad for her sister, they were so close, and now Jessica only has her mother left- her dad died at the beginning of her sr. year of high school, and her other siblings are waaaay older ( like minimum 15 years older) than she is. I made dua. But it's still sad.
Also: Things are getting stressful at my job. I'm working to improve my performance, because I want to give it my all. Please make dua for me in that, too.
I keep remembering the dua Shabana taught that one time: " I know this is from You. And it is to test me. And it is to try me. And I will be patient on it. And I will be patient on it as long as You want me to be patient on it." Over and over and over again we'll be tried. Right now I just hope I'm doing well on His tests. Ya Latif! Ya Aziz! I still firmly absolutely believe, even when it's hard.
Okay. One last negative is done. InshaAllah things will be better.
peace
TwennyTwo
Saturday, January 13, 2007
She's even on MY ISLAND now
peace,
Happy New Year to you all.
Haven't felt like writing, much. And I will probably continue my hiatus after this. But I'm just so mad right now.
For some reason, today I decided to check on the news in PR. The only newspaper that's widely read there and is on the internet is El Nuevo Día. I didn't like El Nuevo Día when I was ON the island, but now- well, you have to keep up on things somehow.
So, first- on the front page, the news that there have been 47 murders on the island in 2007.
A many of those dead died in balaceras, what we think of as drive-by shootings, but has the connotation of "rain of bullets". Yeah. There are pictures on the site but I don't recommend looking. Sad. They always show the suspects. These particular shootings happened on the Expreso De Diego, the parkway that I rode on all of the time, in broad daylight. I looked at the suspects, who always put their heads down to hide from the shame of a camera. I prayed none of them were my students. And yes, unfortunately, I know that a couple of my students have the potential to be in front of that camera. It makes me furious. It makes me incredibly sad.
But then?!
THEN?!
Guess who's featured this week as part of the Vidas Unicas ("Unique Lives") series of articles?! None other than Ayaan Hirsan Ali.
I thought I was furious before.
When I lived in Puerto Rico, I experienced the gamut of reactions to Islam and my choice to live as a single, professional muhejebah. Many of those who became my closest friends understood because they were very religious and observant Christians, some Catholic others Protestant. They got my devotion to God, how much I needed it, and the love I showed by keeping hijab in that hot, humid climate I so enjoyed. Others didn't care.
But there were more. Stereotypes were wild there- there was a telenovela out of Brasíl that ran as I arrived on the island, that showed women who had been circumsized in hijab gossipping, fighting in jealousy over various men, locked in houses with no way to leave without express permission... you know the images I'm talking about. So I was always fighting that. I remember so clearly the time I was carrying my friend Tajani's daughter Danya through Plaza Las Amèricas, the biggest, nicest mall in the Caribbean, and was stopped by a huge crowd of people, staring at my hijab, insisting that I was kidnapping her. The crazy remarks from parents and well-meaning acquaintances. One guy straight asking me if I was circumsized, how did I like freedom after being oppressed for so long. Craziness.
And now she's spreading it, they're enabling her, in a Spanish-language article delaring my beautiful Islam a cage, to trap and kill women. My island doesn't need that. Where are the articles and the people promoting the beauty of Islam? Because I'll tell you, I remember calling the masjid and getting a person with such a disdainful attitude that I never called back. This after I was on my feet, was actually trying to find help for a sister who ended up giving up 3 of her 5 children to the state because she couldn't feed them and her husband wasn't around. Yes, everyone is human. I know that. But as a Black woman, I know that when you're part of a very small minority, what you do and how you treat everyone is scrutinized and homogenized and taken as representative of a whole. And unfortunately, that homogenized image in Puerto Rico is of Muslim men as gruff and uncaring and Arab, and women as covered, hot and sweating, with no opportunities, caged by men and a too-demanding, terrorising religion. We're not helping our own case. And then, here comes that woman, giving interviews that make it worse and flitting back to Lord knows where she lives. I don't hate anyone, but how close I could get...
Puerto Rico already has so few Muslims, yo, and even fewer who cover (of my friends on the island, only Tajani rigorously observed hijab; the rest don't regard it as necessary, and yes, one admitted to me that without hijab, because of her coloring, her family blends into the society without a hitch). Obviously the editor who allowed that article to be written has a viewpoint that sees Islam just this way, and the opinions of Ms. Ali as completely valid. I just think it's crazy that no one EVER wrote an article on the Muslims of Puerto Rico while I was there that didn't have a political spin, that didn't portray the woman as lesser.
God bless'em all. Much as I want to return, I guess it's good I'm not in Puerto Rico any more.
peace
TwennyTwo
Happy New Year to you all.
Haven't felt like writing, much. And I will probably continue my hiatus after this. But I'm just so mad right now.
For some reason, today I decided to check on the news in PR. The only newspaper that's widely read there and is on the internet is El Nuevo Día. I didn't like El Nuevo Día when I was ON the island, but now- well, you have to keep up on things somehow.
So, first- on the front page, the news that there have been 47 murders on the island in 2007.
Wait. 47 people dead? IN THIRTEEN DAYS?! Que diablos está pasando en mi isla querida?! (what the heck is going down on my beloved island?!)
A many of those dead died in balaceras, what we think of as drive-by shootings, but has the connotation of "rain of bullets". Yeah. There are pictures on the site but I don't recommend looking. Sad. They always show the suspects. These particular shootings happened on the Expreso De Diego, the parkway that I rode on all of the time, in broad daylight. I looked at the suspects, who always put their heads down to hide from the shame of a camera. I prayed none of them were my students. And yes, unfortunately, I know that a couple of my students have the potential to be in front of that camera. It makes me furious. It makes me incredibly sad.
But then?!
THEN?!
Guess who's featured this week as part of the Vidas Unicas ("Unique Lives") series of articles?! None other than Ayaan Hirsan Ali.
I thought I was furious before.
When I lived in Puerto Rico, I experienced the gamut of reactions to Islam and my choice to live as a single, professional muhejebah. Many of those who became my closest friends understood because they were very religious and observant Christians, some Catholic others Protestant. They got my devotion to God, how much I needed it, and the love I showed by keeping hijab in that hot, humid climate I so enjoyed. Others didn't care.
But there were more. Stereotypes were wild there- there was a telenovela out of Brasíl that ran as I arrived on the island, that showed women who had been circumsized in hijab gossipping, fighting in jealousy over various men, locked in houses with no way to leave without express permission... you know the images I'm talking about. So I was always fighting that. I remember so clearly the time I was carrying my friend Tajani's daughter Danya through Plaza Las Amèricas, the biggest, nicest mall in the Caribbean, and was stopped by a huge crowd of people, staring at my hijab, insisting that I was kidnapping her. The crazy remarks from parents and well-meaning acquaintances. One guy straight asking me if I was circumsized, how did I like freedom after being oppressed for so long. Craziness.
And now she's spreading it, they're enabling her, in a Spanish-language article delaring my beautiful Islam a cage, to trap and kill women. My island doesn't need that. Where are the articles and the people promoting the beauty of Islam? Because I'll tell you, I remember calling the masjid and getting a person with such a disdainful attitude that I never called back. This after I was on my feet, was actually trying to find help for a sister who ended up giving up 3 of her 5 children to the state because she couldn't feed them and her husband wasn't around. Yes, everyone is human. I know that. But as a Black woman, I know that when you're part of a very small minority, what you do and how you treat everyone is scrutinized and homogenized and taken as representative of a whole. And unfortunately, that homogenized image in Puerto Rico is of Muslim men as gruff and uncaring and Arab, and women as covered, hot and sweating, with no opportunities, caged by men and a too-demanding, terrorising religion. We're not helping our own case. And then, here comes that woman, giving interviews that make it worse and flitting back to Lord knows where she lives. I don't hate anyone, but how close I could get...
Puerto Rico already has so few Muslims, yo, and even fewer who cover (of my friends on the island, only Tajani rigorously observed hijab; the rest don't regard it as necessary, and yes, one admitted to me that without hijab, because of her coloring, her family blends into the society without a hitch). Obviously the editor who allowed that article to be written has a viewpoint that sees Islam just this way, and the opinions of Ms. Ali as completely valid. I just think it's crazy that no one EVER wrote an article on the Muslims of Puerto Rico while I was there that didn't have a political spin, that didn't portray the woman as lesser.
God bless'em all. Much as I want to return, I guess it's good I'm not in Puerto Rico any more.
peace
TwennyTwo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)